Here’s a final post from yours truly before a week of vacation:
Well, lah-dee-dah.
Minneapolis is one of the most literate cities in America.
According to an annual survey cited in USA Today, Minneapolis ranks near the top in six major categories: newspaper circulation, number of bookstores, library resources, periodical publishing resources, educational attainment and Internet resources.
Sorry to sound like a party-pooper, but I’m not impressed.
If Minneapolisans are so smart, how come they live in a place where you can get frostbite checking the mail — in March?
If Minneapolisans are so smart, how come they let the North Stars slip away to Dallas? Hockey is the national sport of Canada and other cold places, for cryin’ out loud. … You’d never see the Cowboys flee Big D for the Great White North.
If Minneapolisans are so smart, how come they live in a state that still hasn’t elected a senator nearly two months after the rest of us yokels managed to pull that off?
If Minneapolisans are so smart, how come they held the GOP National Convention the same day Hurricane Gustav was battering New Orleans and taking away all the national coverage?
Don’t get me wrong; literacy is a nice thing. But who wants to visit Minneapolis to tour its libraries?
You can -- and should -- read anywhere. I’d much rather live in place with a warm beach, a neat zoo or a pro team that actually wins.
Taking a few days off now; see ya on Jan. 5. Be good — or at least don’t get caught.
Friday, December 26, 2008
One last post, then vacation
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas, Nazi style
May you enjoy a wonderful Christmas and appreciate the true meaning of this special time of year.
I will try to do that with my family and give thanks for God’s blessings.
Then, in a time-honored tradition to celebrate the birth of Prince of Peace, we’ll load up the ol’ wagon and head off to the mall for a movie about the most evil man who ever lived.
(Not Tom Cruise. Adolf Hitler.)
If you get close enough to smell the popcorn this month, there’s a good chance you’ll be watching snarling Nazis and heroic Allies too.
There are six — six, count ’em six! — World War II films out this month. Hollywood’s motto seems to be, “When in doubt, show a Kraut.” The list includes:
-- “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas,” about a strange friendship between the son of a Nazi officer and a Jewish boy in a concentration camp.
-- “The Reader," starring Kate Winslet as a former concentration-camp guard on trial after the war.
-- “Adam Resurrected,” about a Holocaust survivor (Jeff Goldblum) in a mental institution.
They will soon be followed by:
-- “Defiance,” about two brothers fighting the Nazis from a secret hideout in the woods.
-- “Good,” starring Viggo Mortensen as an intellectual lured into the SS.
Then, of course, there’s “Valkyrie,” opening on Christmas Day. Tom Cruise plays the German officer who tried to kill Hitler.
(The one time you wanted the Teutonic types to be as efficient as their stereotypes, they dropped the strudel. Way to go, Claus!)
So far, the reviews of “Valkyrie” seem to range from “stunningly bad” to “not too bad.”
What more endorsement could you want?
See you at the multi-plex, schweinhund!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Shop/drop
So what’s the perfect bookend to “Black Friday” (BF), the shopping marathon that kicks off the Christmas retail season?
You guessed it: All-Night Wednesday (ANW).
That’s right, consumers. As the Associated Press put it:
“The nation’s stores are pulling all-nighters and deepening discounts in the final hours before Christmas, trying to draw in all the shoppers they can as they face dismal sales in what will likely end up as the worst holiday season in decades.”
It seems like a waste of time and priorities to me, but at least ANW makes a little more sense than BF — similar to the way death by explosion makes more sense than death by fire.
Some harried shoppers might not get any time off from their jobs until Wednesday. For them, a last-minute all-nighter is justifiable.
And unlike the “campers” who wait outside stores on Thanksgiving night to be first in line for Black Friday Madness, at least you’re inside for ANW. If Nature calls, you can answer.
And you might get some good deals by waiting until the very final hours. Some retailers will be desperate to move merchandise off their shelves and cash into their registers.
Personally, I’ve copped out with gift cards and envelopes containing pictures of dead presidents.
It doesn’t show much imagination, I’ll admit. But I do get to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with my family.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Ralph, again
It wasn’t exactly the political story of the year: A judge dismissed a lawsuit by perennial candidate Ralph Nader that accused the Democratic Party of conspiring to keep him off the ballot in the presidential election.
Boring, you say? Irrelevant to life as we know it?
Absolutely. Even more so because Ralphie’s lawsuit was about the 2004 election, not the one we had in November.
How could this thing linger in the courts for four long years? How much money was spent on lawyers kicking this can down the road month after month?
Please go away, Ralph.
99 percent of Americans have never voted for you.
The 1 percent who did will never admit it.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Inmate of the Year
Our nominee for Inmate of the Year is … Jimmy Folsom.
And who can be surprised, with a last name like that?
Anyway, Jimmy is a guest of the state in Huntsville.
But he had bigger ambitions. He wanted to serve his time in New Hampshire.
Why? Well,’cause Jimmy heard that the Granite State state pen was pretty snazzy.
But how to get from here to there?
Simple. Mail death threats to the New Hampshire attorney general.
Jimmy did that, pleaded guilty to the crime, and got all set to move out.
Alas, mailing death threats is a federal crime, and tiny New Hampshire doesn’t have a federal prison.
So all Jimmy will do is spend more time in Texas, which is exactly where he doesn’t want to be!
... I said Jimmy was Inmate of the Year. I didn’t say he was smart.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Orderly?
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Why? Because President Bush is planning an “orderly” bankruptcy for the U.S. auto industry.
I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem to me that much good can come from that.
How would you like to hear your pilot say, “Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and return your tray tables to an upright position. ... I’m going to execute an orderly crash landing in about, oh, three minutes.”
Or your boss say, “Pat, we’re going to arrange an orderly layoff for your tomorrow. Please pack your stuff so this will go smoothly.”
Or your banker say, “Hey, we’ve got that orderly repossession planned for 9 a.m. Saturday. ... Is that a good time for you?”
I tell ya, I’m worried about Detroit.
Though not as worried as the poor S.O.B. who six months ago bought an expensive lifetime warranty on his American-made car.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
JoePa, forever
Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has been given a new three-year contract extension.
How many times have sports fans read that headline?
Well, considering that “JoePa,” to use his charming nickname, is incredibly old, I’m guessing that sports fans have read that sentence many, many times.
In fact, JoePa will turn 82 on Sunday. I’m not sure that his life on this earth will be extended three more years.
He’s already been at Penn State for a lifetime or two.
For 16 years, he was an assistant coach. He took over the top spot in 1966, when a war in a place called Vietnam was starting to heat up.
If he makes it through next season, that would be 60 full years on the Nittany Lion coaching staff.
And he’s not easing out the door, either.
When asked how much longer he would keep holding the university hostage, I mean, coaching the football team, he said. “There’s no reason for me not to think that I can go for a while. Now how long is a while? I don’t know.”
Here’s a hint, Joe: When you start coaching the grandchildren of kids you coached years ago, it’s time to hang it up.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Who are these people?
The latest Ipsos/McClatchy poll said 95 percent of adults in Illinois think that Gov. Rod Blagojevich should resign.
No problem; that a slam dunk.
But who are the other 5 percent? Who in the Land of Lincoln actually doesn’t think that Blago must go-go?
Are these the same people who think that O.J. didn’t murder his ex-wife and Ron Goldman?
Are these the same people who think that Mark McGwire didn’t use steroids?
Are these the same people who think that 9/11 was an inside job hatched by our own government?
Are these the same people who think that Detroit has a carburetor that will get 90 miles to the gallon but is keeping it hidden so people will buy more gas?
Are these the same people who think that Michael Jackson isn’t too friendly with kids?
... Just wonderin'.
FEEDBACK: Are these the same people who think that (FILL IN THE BLANK WITH YOUR COMMENT).
Monday, December 15, 2008
Guns, greed
So here’s the story: Mexican drug gangs find “straw buyers” in the states, people who can buy guns legally for them.
As a result, all kinds of weapons used in Mexico’s increasingly gruesome gunplay and turf wars are being traced back to the US of A.
One such cog in the machine is Raul Alvarez, 28, of Laredo. He said he bought some guns legally and was test-firing them on a range. A stranger walked up and offered him $5,000 for the bunch.
Being greedy, and stupid, Alvarez agreed, saying, “I needed the money.”
That’s bad enough, but here comes the worse part.
When Alvarez was told that the guns were used in crimes in Mexico, he actually said, “I can’t read minds like a psychic. If I knew he was going to use guns to get me in trouble, I wouldn’t have sold them.”
Aaarrrggghhh!
What did he think a sleazeball at a gun range with a pocketful of cash was going to do with the shooters? Use them as paperweights in a church office?
If there’s a God in heaven and justice in the courts, Alibi Alvarez will spend the near future sleeping on a prison cot, taking group showers and eating baloney sandwiches … for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Drama does Dallas
Everything is fine with the Dallas Cowboys.
Annoying media reports that the team is split with dissension because of the egomaniac Terrell Owens are completely untrue.
OK. T.O. is ticked about “secret meetings” that QB Tony Romo and TE Jason Witten are having, resulting in — horrors! — fewer balls thrown to T.O.
And Romo and Whitten are denying that the secret meetings take place … on Wednesdays at 2:45 in the film room.
And cornerback Terence Newman is saying it’s about time for coaches to ’fess up to their mistakes just like players do all the time.
And the egomaniac owner Jerry Jones is insisting that even though he met with T.O. for about 10 minutes the other day, it wasn’t, well, you know, a “meeting.”
Meanwhile, poor Wade Phillips tries to ringmaster this circus and figure out a way to deal with the latest insult from Jones that undercuts his authority as head coach.
Other than those things, all is well with this team.
In fact, because of all the harmony and goodwill, they’ll probably go on to beat the Giants Sunday night and make the playoffs.
Not.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Let it snow!
By now most of it is gone. But it was a blast while it was here!
I actually got up for a while last night/this morning at 2 a.m. I looked out the window and couldn’t believe the white before my eyes.
I’ve lived here since ’83 and the most I ever saw was flurries, with zero accumulation. Finally some white stuff you can make a snowball or a snowman with! And lots of kids did just that!
Everybody should experience snow at least once in their lives. As a former Midwesterner, I saw it all the time as a kid. Still have a small wooden sled in my garage we used back in the day. To us, snow was regular weather.
But I gotta be honest with you: Snow is pretty to look at and hell to deal with. Shoveling snow off a sidewalk or driveway is fun once – and an annoying chore after that. (Unless you're an entrepreneurial kid who wants to make a quick buck shoveling snow.) Ditto for scraping snow off your car before you can drive it somewhere.
This snowfall was the right kind; light enough to look pretty on your lawn (or pile of hurricane debris) but quickly melting on streets.
If we ever get enough snow to stick on the roads, I’ll give y’all a free lecture on how to drive over it without having to make a call to your insurance agent afterward.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Is nothing sacred?
So it’s come to this: The traditional Nativity scene now has to go high-tech.
To protect Baby Jesus from low-lifes who are looking for a free Christmas gift or politically correct types who don’t want your religion in their city, churches, local governments and ordinary people are fighting back.
In Wellington, Fla., city officials put a GPS device inside their life-sized ceramic figurine of the infant Jesus. When the statue was stolen, they simply followed the GPS signal to the apartment where the thief had taken it.
A family in North Richland Hills, Texas, set up surveillance cameras to protect their Nativity scene. Sure enough, Jesus was “adopted” by some teenage girl. Police have the tape and will pay her a visit if they can I.D. her. Maybe they could ask her if she has suddenly become a mother of sorts.
Gosh, this seems like a lot of trouble.
Has anybody thought about wiring their Jesus figurine to about 500 volts of thief-deterring electricity?
OK, I know that’s not a very Godly thought, and you’d probably get sued for insensitivity.
Still, you gotta admit it would be fun to see one of these creeps jump about five feet into the air and wonder if the Lord was sending him a message.
Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Blago-nomics
Wow! We always knew that politics were a little rough-n-tumble in Chi-town, but …
Can you believe Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich?
Or to put it in terms he -- and Tony Soprano --- might understand, “Can you freakin’ believe this (expletive deleted)?”
This is the craziest political story since Larry Craig wen’t cruising for some action in an airport restroom. It would have been more discreet for Blago to put the U.S. Senate seat up for sale on eBay.
He makes Edwin Edwards look like a monk. He makes Richard Daley (the first, not the second) look suave. Yeccchhh.
And he's mega-stupid, too. Blago already knew he was under investigation for suspicion (apparently well-founded) of corruption. He thought his phone was tapped.
Yet he still gabbed away and said incredibly incriminating things — while at the same time warning the person on the other end to be careful about what he said! What a putz!
It’s going to be a long, long time before we hear a politician say anything more sleazy and disgusting than, “I’ve got this thing and it’s (F-word) golden, and I’m just not giving it up for (F-word) nothing. I’m not gonna do it.”
... That’s all for now. I have to go wash my hands.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Car Czar?
Well, I feel a lot better now.
Ya see, Congress has sent the White House a $15 billion bailout package to save U.S. automakers. And it includes the appointment of a “car czar” to help the industry “re-invent” itself.
OK, Congress, here are Three Big Thoughts on your latest plan to save the Big Three:
1) Instead of one “car czar” to oversee three huge and different organizations, how about finding CEOs for each company who actually know what they are doing?
2) It would be easier to steal the operational plans from Nissan, Toyota or Honda than “re-invent” American automakers.
3) Finally, and most importantly, Detroit does understand that this is a one-time deal, right? As in, should they come back in a few years (or months) and say they need a few more billion to tide 'em over, the answer will, uh, not be favorable.
… Henry Ford must be turning in his grave.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Overexposed underwear
Guys, we gotta draw a line in the sand. No “man girdles,” no matter how much poundage in our paunches.
And we must act quickly. An Australian company called Equmen plans to sell “a body-slimming Core Precision Undershirt designed to squeeze a few inches off a man’s beer belly and improve his posture.”
In other words, a man girdle. Or as it’s being called in the trade, a “mirdle.”
This is not the way things were meant to be — no matter how much blather you hear.
Like the comment from Corie Chung, one of the founders of Equmen:
“This is a garment designed to physiologically and visibly improve men’s bodies. Men these days are concerned about their appearance, and they also want to feel healthy and supported.”
Nonsense! A lady’s undergarment does not “improve men’s bodies.” And any man who wants to feel “supported” just needs to buy underwear in a size too small.
Over the years, the fashion gurus have tried to foist “man purses” and “man skirts” on us. And we have stoutly resisted, as real men are supposed to.
Mark my words: If real men start wearing “mirdles,” it’s only a matter of time before “Monday Night Football” is replaced by “The View” and war movies get ruined by the hero’s “love interest.”
Be afraid; be very afraid.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
O.J. in jail -- finally!
Yesterday’s blog asked the burning question, “Who’s a bigger idiot, Michael Vick or Plaxico Burress?” The results are still rolling, er, dribbling, in.
Today we consider the case of another Athlete In Trouble — O.J. Simpson — and we shout … YESSSS!!!
Why? Because finally this butcher will look at the world from behind bars.
Who can forget that he murdered his ex-wife and her friend in 1995?
And then, incredibly, inexplicably, his team of high-priced shysters squeezed a “not guilty” verdict out of a befuddled jury.
It was a verdict that defied any sense of decency or fairness.
O.J. was as guilty as sin. All that other crap about Mark Furman being a racist and jurors wanting revenge for the case that sparked the L.A. riots had nothing to do with him.
He was a cold-blooded killer, pure and simple.
And he beat the rap, pure and simple.
Until the fool pulled off a small-time robbery and kidnapping in Vegas in a dispute over some of his memorabilia. And today he is scheduled to be sentenced to many, many years in the clink -- at least 18 by one account!
Sweet! He could have stayed on the outside, playing golf, swilling martinis, banging groupies. But because of his own greed and stupidity, he gave society a chance to put him in the hole he belonged in all along.
Finally, Nicole and Ron Goldman have been avenged.
Good riddance, Juice. I hope you rot in that cell.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Burress in distress
It’s a debate that will occupy football fans for years to come: Who’s the bigger idiot, Michael Vick or Plaxico Burress?
For a while it looked as if Vick had retired this trophy. He’s in prison and broke. It’s hard to fall much further from the glamor of the NFL.
But Vick is probably going to get out from behind bars next year. And you know some wacky owner — like Jerry Jones — will be itching to sign him to another juicy contract.
Burress, on the other hand, is facing a mandatory minimum of 3½ years in the slammer for illegally possessing a handgun in New York City.
It will be verrrrry interesting to watch this drama play out. As in, he clearly had a gun without a permit, and the sentence for that violation is clear.
There doesn’t seem to be any way he could avoid getting at least 3½ inside. Then again, sometimes the law treats one defendant more equally than others.
In retrospect, Burress was a disaster waiting to happen. A few weeks ago, it was revealed that the New York Giants had fined him 20 to 30 times for various violations of team rules since he was signed in 2005.
Are you freakin’ kidding me?! 20 to 30 times?!
How can a clown like that stay in uniform? Don’t the coaches know that completely undermines the concept of discipline and teamwork?
Oh, that’s right. He can catch a football ball pretty good.
So unless or until he chops off the head of a toddler — and somebody videotapes it — it’s business as usual on Sunday.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Bullet Brain's battle
The great Bullet Brain saga is finally over.
The only conclusion a logical person can reach is that Joshua Bush gamed the system.
He had charge after charge hanging over him. He faced years behind bars. His future looked as bleak as that of a Big Three CEO.
In the end, after a plea deal and some dropped charges and a mountain of legal wrangling, he gets two years in state jail.
And because he’s served about that much time while this soap opera drags on, he’ll be a free man any day now.
If Bullet Brain learns from this ordeal and becomes a productive member of society, I’ll be thrilled.
If he chooses a different path, I won’t be surprised.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Money madness
If you’re still trying to figure out the stock market, stop. It’s officially crazy.
Take the news Monday that the national economy has probably been in a recession since last December.
No big surprise there, although the old definition of a recession was two quarters of no growth. I thought the quarter we are in now is the first one with negative numbers. The first quarter of ’09 almost certainly will share the same dubious distinction, so shouldn’t that pairing officially begin our recession?
Whatever. The bigger surprise about that report from the National Bureau of Economic Research was that it hit Wall Street like a ton of gold bricks.
The cigar-smokin’ yellow-tie-wearin’ suspender-snappin’ hotshots were so taken aback by the news that the Dow Jones plunged nearly 680 points.
We’ll ignore the fact that the stock market has been up and down in the past month like a roller coaster on steroids.
The real puzzler is why this news threw the financial wizards into such a tizzy.
It was about the past — not the present or the future. As such, it really shouldn’t affect stock prices any more than your Aunt Helen’s hunches.
It’s like buying a life insurance policy after learning that you almost got on a plane that crashed.
At least this fits in with the rest of the crazy financial news. Once mighty GM is headed for bankruptcy. Gas prices are down to last year’s levels, and nobody is noticing. Washington’s solution to all the problems is to keep printing more money.
My parents used to talk a lot about the Depression. I always wondered what it was like. Guess I’ll find out.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Campers
Hope you survived Black Friday … not to mention Scary Saturday and Shocking Sunday.
Every year about this time, you read about people who camp out at certain stores the day before Black Friday — which happens to be Thanksgiving Thursday.
One lady in Beaumont started camping out on WEDNESDAY in front of the Best Buy on Eastex Freeway. She brought a tent, an air mattress and a lawn chair for the two-day ordeal. She even brought her dog, a German shepherd named Rin Tin Tin (a name for a shepherd you don’t see so much anymore).
Last year she camped out at Target. The year before, Best Buy again.
Some folks think these shopper/campers are tenacious consumers who show great fortitude.
I feel a little sorry for them.
Giving up a special day with your family and friends so you can buy more stuff shows the wrong priorities.
Sure, you can get a great deal at that Big Box onwhat used to be called a “loss leader,” an item the store sells below cost just to get customers inside. And there usually aren’t more than a handful of these special goodies. Everything else is available for its usual sale price, which might not be a sale at all.
Christmas gifts are nice, but people are more important than presents.
A cold night on a parking lot is a bad dream, not a holiday memory.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Gratitude
Most holidays have been twisted beyond recognition by someone or something.
Christmas has often turned into a consumer frenzy. Halloween has often been re-branded as a Satanic plot. New Year's Eve is an excuse to get loaded.
Thanksgiving is different. Thank God.
It’s hard to be cynical about the simple act of giving thanks. This is not about getting more or envying others. It’s about being grateful for what you have in life, even if your life isn’t perfect.
Here’s a tip: It never will be. You will never have the looks, the loot or the love life of an Action Movie Hero.
We should never stop trying to improve our lives — in meaningful ways. But we should be truly grateful we live in this country and have things that many other people on the globe can only dream about.
Give thanks on Thanksgiving … and every day.
FEEDBACK: What are you thankful for?
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Mere words
Gee, whiz. We haven’t even enjoyed Thanksgiving — and the frenzied dash into overcrowded shopping malls — and folks are already doing end-of-year stuff.
Like the eggheads at Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, who have decided “bailout” is the word of the year.
Why? Because more people looked it up online than any other.
I demand a recount.
First of all, how can you be older than 12 and not know what “bailout” means?
Second, “bailout” is not even a particularly glamorous word. It’s just in the paper or on your newscast every five minutes, as in, “Another big Wall Street firm begged President-Elect Obama for a reallllly big bailout.”
The only good thing you can say about “bailout” is that it beat out even lamer words, like “trepidation,” “precipice” and “turmoil.”
(A gold star goes to the first commenter on this blog who uses all three in a sentence.)
What about “maverick” or “surge”? Now there are some words with some heft in ’08.
Last year’s choice of “truthiness” was superb. That, of course, came from Comedy Central Stephen Colbert.
The brainiacs at the New Oxford American Dictionary chose “hypermiling” as their word of the year.
That’s the practice of squeezing maximum MPGs out of your car’s gas tank with stunts like shutting off the engine to coast downhill.
I call such people “cheapskates” or “morons,” particularly if I'm driving behind them.
For his W.O.T.Y., wordsmith William Safire chose “frugalista,” which means someone who practices The New Frugality with flair.
Or what we used to call in the old days, “cheapskates.”
FEEDBACK: What’s your word of the year?
Monday, November 24, 2008
Parking lot justice
Is this a great country or what?
A carjacker in North Carolina was discouraged from practicing his profession by onlookers. They saw him beating the car’s owner in a grocery store parking lot just south of Raleigh as he tried to steal the wheels.
Fortunately, they didn’t just stand around and say, “My, my. Isn’t that a shame.”
They commenced to open up a can of whup-ass on the carjacker — including one Good Samaritan who … here it comes …
Beat the carjacker with a frozen turkey!
Despite their best efforts, the carjacker jacked the car and drove away. (Darn!)
But the cops caught him a short time later. (Hooray!)
And better still, he had serious head injuries and had to be hospitalized! (Double hooray!)
No word on the turkey’s condition.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Pacman, once again
So Adam “Pacman” Jones is going to get another chance to play football.
It’s about time!
Sure, the guy has messed up once or twice ... or a dozen times.
But he deserves a second chance … and a third chance … and a fourth chance … etc.
Jerry Jones, Cowboys owner and chief enabler, even said it was his fault that Pacman got into a fight with a security guard hired by the team in a vain attempt to keep him out of trouble.
Jerry, who clearly did not major in English at Arkansas, mumbled, “Yes, I do take responsibility for the fact that it was my own security that the issue was part of. Because it was my guy there that created the problem. ... The way that it was supposed to work in my mind, to some degree, we wouldn’t have had that problem.”
Clear enough for ya?
This time, Pacman will be freed of the heavy hand of team security and will be able to make his own decisions about what to do, who to hang out with and what to consume.
Look out, Big D!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Toilet troubles
Look, I know there’s a global environmental crisis and all that, but do we really have to give up … flush toilets?
That’s exactly what one expert, Jack Sims, said at the World Toilet Summit in Macau on World Toilet Day.
(Don't worry. I won’t ask how you become a toilet expert, or what you do at a Toilet Summit, or even how to "celebrate" World Toilet Day.)
Sims believes flush toilets consume too much fresh water that folks could use for drinking or crop irrigation (but not at the same time).
“This ‘flush and forget’ attitude creates a new problem which we have to revisit,” Sims said sagely.
Crap, I say! This is getting serious. Some “experts” in Australia have even called for a “toilet tax” based on how many times you flush.
A professor at Adelaide University said, “Some people may go as far as not flushing their toilet as often, as the less sewage you produce the less the rate you pay.”
Wow; wouldn’t that be great.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t want to bid good-bye to flush toilets.
I don’t want to live in a world where a question about where the restroom is located is answered by someone pointing outside and saying, “Third tree on the left.”
I don’t want to go to bed at night wondering where I will go if I get up to go.
I don’t want to go natural when Nature calls.
… Give me porcelain, or give me death!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Cheerleader hazing?
Seven former high school varsity cheerleaders in suburban Houston face charges for … severely hazing other girls who simply wanted to shake pom-poms with them.
The ex-cheerleaders from Morton Ranch High School in Katy supposedly restrained several junior varsity cheerleaders, blindfolded them, tied their hands and pushed them into a swimming pool.
Three questions:
1) How desperate are students to get onto this cheerleading squad if they have to go through something like that?
2) Do these cheerleaders have chants like, “Smack ’em, jack ’em, put ’em in the coffin!”
3) If this is what the cheerleader hazing is like at this school, what in God’s name do their big, beefy football players do?
... I don’t wanna know, and I wouldn’t want to play that school's team.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Big 3 beg
The Big 3 auto makers have come a-beggin’ in Washington, D.C.
They want $25 billion to tide them over until, well, until things turn around.
And if they don’t get it, they warn of dire consequences.
Without a quick infusion of cash, they predict a deeper economic catastrophe and millions of layoffs as the nightmare of layoffs ripple through our teetering economy.
And that’s not all. In addition:
1) Their retirement bonuses could be slashed to just five figures.
2) Shareholders would ask annoying questions like, “Why did you run this company into the ground?”
3) The home office might stop paying their annual dues at the country club and yacht club — where they conduct important business by mingling with important people.
and worst of all ...
4) People might just buy cars from other companies and forget they even existed.
… Scary stuff, isn’t it. Kinda makes you want to hold a telethon for them, or something.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Cabinetry
So Hillary Clinton could be Barack Obama's secretary of state.
It’s not a bad consolation prize, but she was hopin’ to be doin’ the pickin’.
Maybe she could take along Bill for some road trips. It will keep him out of, ahem, trouble back home, and he can renew old friendships abroad with world leaders.
If Hillary does stake out State, John Kerry will be mighty ticked off.
He had his eyes on that plum job, too, and he thinks he’s paid his dues much longer than her.
Personally, I think Obama is right to choose her and reject him. Kerry, more so than most senators, is an arrogant windbag.
That job needs someone who can get things done, not look good at those endless international conferences making endless international speeches.
We shall see. In the meantime, I’m pretty sure that for attorney general, we can rule out … Eliot Spitzer and John Edwards.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tough luck Chuck
You gotta feel sorry for Prince Charles.
He has big ears, he divorced one of the world’s most beautiful women for one of the, um, least beautiful, and as he turns 60 today, he’s still an apprentice.
That’s right, commoners. His title remains “prince,” not “king.”
And even though mom — a.k.a. Queen Elizabeth II — is 82, she wears that crown like she’s 62. And Liz could live a long time; her mother didn’t “drop the scepter” until she was 101!
You would think that mumsy would’ve given Chuck the title years ago. But noooooo. She just keeps hanging on and humiliating her oldest son.
You have to conclude she doesn’t think he’s up to the job; talk about an embarrassing vote of no confidence!
Why can’t she just quit and hand over the throne to Charles? I would think that being a retired queen is pretty easy. Hey, let’s face it; being an active queen isn’t that tough either.
Some day, I suppose, Charles will become king.
Let’s just hope he’s not too senile then to realize it.
FEEDBACK: Do you feel sorry for Prince Charles?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Secret Service secrets
I hope Osama bin Laden doesn’t read the papers over here. ’Cause if he did, he would find out that the new Secret Service code names for Barack and Michelle Obama are Renegade and Renaissance. Heck, for that matter, First Daughters Sasha and Malia will be Rosebud and Radiance.
Call me old-fashioned, but shouldn’t Secret Service code names be, well, secret? Seems like a security slip to me.
And why do all the Obama code names have to begin with the letter R. Why not O — as in Obama? All the Bush code names began with T — again, making no sense whatsoever.
On top of everything, the Online Etymology Dictionary says that Renegade’s earliest meanings referred to deserting one’s religion, coming from the Spanish word “renegado,” which originally meant “Christian turned Muslim.”
Wow; talk about “Don’t go there!”
The Bushes should get new code names since they won’t be in the White House anymore. For W, I’m thinking, “The Guy Who Left a Truckload of Problems for his Successor.” And of course, Laura would be “The Wife of the Guy Who Left a Truckload of Problems for his Successor.”
As for the Bush daughters, maybe something like “Reformed Party Animal I” and “Reformed Party Animal II.”
That’s all from me -- or as I’m known these days, “Tapped Out.”
... FEEDBACK: What should Barack Obama's new code name be?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Pirates
Texas Tech coach Mike Leach has been getting a lot of attention lately for his fascination with pirates — and because his football team could be closing out one of the greatest college seasons in years.
I’m a Texas fan, but you have to admire small schools like Boise State that take on the football factories of the NCAA. Kudos to Leach and Tech on that point.
I’m not so keen on pirates. Most were smelly, drunken murderers and rapists, not like the Johnny Depp caricature in recent films.
And though not everyone knows it, pirates still roam the Seven Seas. Or at least parts of the African coast by Somalia. They regularly hijack merchant ships and offer to return the cargo and crew for a hefty donation, which most shipping companies quickly pay.
But not everyone in the Pirate Community is smart. One gang recently got into a firefight with two British navy ships packed with seasoned commandos and lotsa high-tech weaponry.
After a brief but deadly gun battle — for the pirates, that is — the bad guys had reconsidered their hasty decision.
As the London Times Online put it, "By the time the Royal Marines boarded the pirates’ vessel, the enemy had lost the will to fight and surrendered quietly. The Royal Navy described the boarding as 'compliant'."
I think we’ve all learned a lesson here.
First, if you’re growing up in Somalia, or just about anywhere, pick a nice trade like plumbing or dentistry. Don’t pursue pirating.
Second, if you do become a pirate anyway, don’t get into a shootout with a group of highly trained professional soldiers who have, oh, I’d say about 100 times the firepower that you do.
If you do, you won’t live to enjoy the Pirate Retirement Plan.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Vote early, but not often
It’s official, and it’s no surprise to Texans. We’ve got the best system — for voting, that is.
Two-thirds of all Texans who voted in the last election didn’t show up on Election Day. They voted during the two-week early voting period.
This is one of the best rates in the nation. Only a few other states had better records for early voting, and most of them vote by mail.
Every election, we hear all kinds of people pleading, threatening and persuading us to vote.
Not all voters will respond, of course, but at least we should make it as easy as possible.
Texas, once again, is showing the rest of the nation how.
Whether they follow our lead is another matter.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Poor but posh
Finally, somebody is giving real help to the poor.
But don’t get your hopes up, poor Americans, ’cause it’s happening in Brazil.
In that great South American nation, plastic surgeons have decided to offer free beauty treatments to the economically deprived.
And not just an old tube of lipstick or a half-empty bottle of hair gel. We’re talking chemical skin peels, laser hair removal and even Botox injections.
It’s about time!
There’s nothing worse than being poor and hungry and homeless and looking like hell at the same time.
Finally, the poor can adopt that haughty, sneering look that the rich have perfected.
And since most poor people don’t get enough to eat, they’re already slim and don’t have to diet!
Why hasn’t somebody thought of something this spiffy over here?
Hey, the poor will always be with us.
But if the son-of-a-guns looked better, working folks wouldn’t mind them so much.
Friday, November 07, 2008
The Nobel Prize in Beer
News item: Researchers at Rice University are trying to genetically alter beer so that it can help your body fight ailments such as cancer, heart disease or Type 2 diabetes.
If you must know, the guys in the white coats are genetically modifying the yeast in beer so that it will produce resveratrol.
That, of course, is a naturally occurring compound in red wine and other foods believed to have cancer-fighting and cardiovascular benefits.
Sometime in the future:
“Honey, could you grab me another cold one as long as you’re in the kitchen? … Hey, I’m just tryin’ to stay healthy for you and the kids.”
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Name games
Antigua, which is one of those countries you’ve never heard of, wants to rename its highest mountain peak “Mount Obama” in honor of the new American president-elect.
That’s nice, even though Barack Obama has no connection whatsoever with Antigua, wherever that is.
But I can see why the Antiguans (is that what they’re called?) want to rename their country’s highest mountain. It is currently known as Boggy Peak, and that’s not exactly a tourist draw.
The "mountain" is also only a little more than 1,300 feet high, which is frankly not much. In Central Texas, something like that is known as a “hill.”
Whatever. In related news, Californians are considering renaming Death Valley the McCain Plains.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Unity government?
This is probably crazy, but ...
President-Elect Obama wants to start off strong.
He says he wants to unite the country, and there are several ways he can do that.
How about this one:
Offering John McCain the job of defense secretary.
That post suits McCain's abilities. It would help inoculate Obama against the inevitable charges that he is a wuss of a liberal who won't stand up to the bad guys.
Obama doesn't have to worry about McCain not getting along with him and other Cabinet members.
If he doesn't, he can can him and say he tried to reach out.
It's a good deal for McCain too.
Instead of going back to a Senate where he's part of a weak minority, he becomes a player for the next four years.
Think about it, Barack, and John.
Polls and predictions
So the polls were right after all.
It's an Obamarathon.
The Arizona senator has become John McCan't.
We all like to confound the experts, but polling today is a lot different than it was in '48 when Truman beat Dewey. It's more accurate, and there's more of it.
Some Web sites like RealClearPolitics.com averaged together all the major polls.
When you looked at all the numbers, it was clear what was happening.
Individual polls can be off, but not all of them.
John McCain needed a miracle tonight to overcome the odds.
He didn't get it, and it was virtually undoable.
Get used to saying "President Obama."
Ohio and out
The networks just called Ohio for Barack Obama.
If you can think of a way that John McCain can still win the presidency, you get an A+ in creative math.
It's basically over; everything else is after-the-fact.
Frankly, McCain's only decision now is when to give his concession speech.
Election electricity
There is nothing like the atmosphere inside a newsroom on election night.
The usual hectic pace is ramped up several notches. It's exciting and exasperating at the same time. For journalists, it's the Super Bowl or the World Series.
Tonight I'm over at the KBMT12 studio chipping in with political commentary from time to time.
News flash: TV is different from newspapers.
The time elements are shorter, and it's live. There are no rewrites or corrections.
If you say something dumb, it's out there forever.
So as a newbie to the TV biz, I'm hoping to keep my foot out of my mouth tonight.
So far, so good ... but the night is young.
Online and on the air
If you want to get the latest news about today's election -- and who wouldn't -- may I humbly recommend The Enterprise Web site.
It's chock full o' political goodies, about the area and the nation. Check it out -- repeatedly.
I'll also be doing a stint on KBMT12 tonight, chipping in political commentary when it makes sense. I hope that happens a lot.
I'll also be blogging from the studio as time permits, right here on Back on Earth.
Stay in touch; history is happening before your very eyes tonight.
You want to be able to tell the grandkids all about it.
Showtime
Sunday was the Day of the Dead in Mexico. Today is the Day of Decision in the United States. Cynics would say different countries, same holiday. Whatever.
The polls say Barack Obama is headed for history and John McCain is headed for retirement in Arizona. (Actually, McCain already lives in Arizona, so he's halfway there.)
It's fashionable to say the polls are wrong, and sometimes they are. We don't like to feel that we are predictable.
This time, put your money on the polls.
Obama will win -- by a landslide in the Electoral College, by a smaller margin in the popular vote.
Republicans shouldn't blame McCain. He faced long odds, and the financial meltdown sealed his fate.
Ever since Obama won the Democratic nomination, this race was his to lose. He didn't, and he won't.
When someone calls him "Mr. President" tonight for the first time, it will be a goosebump moment.
However, you voted, you should wish him luck. He will need it.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Disorder in the court
The corruption trial of Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens could play a big role in determining whether Democrats get 60 votes in the U.S. Senate in this election.
If they do, Republicans won’t be able to stop things they don’t like. They won’t be able to prevent a final vote on bills by continuing to filibuster against them.
Good thing the trial wasn’t affected by one nutty juror.
Juror No. 4, otherwise known as Marian Hinnant, stopped the jury’s deliberations the day after they started. She said she had to go to California because her father had died.
No problem. The court understood and told her to take off a few days. When she wouldn’t return telephone calls later on, she was replaced by an alternate juror.
Good thing, ’cause Marian’s dad hadn’t died after all. Turns out she wanted to attend a horse race -- the Breeders’ Cup in Arcadia, Calif.
When she was finally hauled before the judge and asked to explain her bizarre behavior, she “started a long rambling story about horses, which included references to horse breeding, the Breeders’ Cup, drugs, President Ford’s son Steven and her condo in Florida being bugged.”
Good grief; what a loon.
Someone like this was chosen to be a juror in the most important political trial of the year.
Apparently, no one noticed in the long jury-selection process and trial THAT SHE WAS A COMPLETE NUT JOB.
What if this clown had hung on and thrown the case into a mistrial?
It’s like I always said: The only thing wrong with democracy is people.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday Night Lights
Both are appearing on halftime of “Monday Night Football” with ESPN’s Chris Berman.
Is this a great country or what? Are you ready for some politickin’?
The segments will be taped earlier and played at halftime. Due to my deep contacts in the news media, I have obtained an advance snippet of each interview:
CHRIS BERMAN: So, Sen. McCain, what do you think we’ll see in the second half? Is it time to throw the bomb?
JOHN McCAIN: Yes it is Chris. As the Beach Boys used to sing, “Bomb, bomb, bomb — bomb, bomb, Iran.” … Hey, I’m just joking, Chris. I wouldn’t light up Teheran … unless I had a good reason.
***************
CHRIS BERMAN: Well, Sen. Obama, it’s been quite a game so far. You look like an athletic guy; did you ever want to play football?
BARACK OBAMA: Yes, Chris, I wanted to be a strong safety. … And speaking of that, I want to provide a strong safety net for the millions of Americans who have gotten the shaft from greedy CEOs on Wall Street …
…
I think it’s time to punt.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Great Debate!
Quick, the campaign event you have been waiting for is finally on!
It’s true, lucky voters. At 3:30 p.m. today, Libertarian Party presidential nominee Bob Barr, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader and Pastor Chuck Baldwin, the presidential nominee for the Constitution Party, will face off!
I know; you’re saying to yourself, “Finally we have a chance to hear from these important national leaders about major issues 'n stuff.”
OK, that was sarcasm.
What you’re probably saying is, “Why would I want to waste precious minutes on this earth listening to those clowns?”
That's understandable.
Barr is a right-wing windbag from Georgia who warmed a chair in the U.S. House from 1995-2003.
Nader is a consumer-rights windbag who has annoyed people ever since the Corvair was phased out in the ’60s.
Baldwin is a boring windbag from an obscure party. But I do know that he is not related to the famous Baldwin family of actors.
The Event of ’08 will take place at the City Club of Cleveland. Now you know why that town is referred to as, “The Mistake on the Lake.”
If you have nothing else to do, or you are sitting on Death Row waiting for that final walk, you can follow the, uh, action on the ’Net at http://fms.uakron.edu/applications/city_club_of_cleveland/live.htm
Be afraid; be very afraid.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Art/Life
It’s a free country, and you can vote for whoever you want. In fact, you should.
But please, please, please: Don’t be swayed by what some celebrity says.
Barack Obama has some solid endorsements, including a few Republicans, and that’s great for him.
He is also backed by about 95 percent of the Hollywood crowd. The list includes Robert DeNiro, Usher, Chris Rock, Ed Norton, Scarlett Johansson, Herbie Hancock, etc.
These people are famous for making movies or records. They may not have a coherent thought on anything else. They also come from a place that has a distinctly different — and warped — view of drugs, marriage and faith.
The best thing to come out of Tinseltown in this election was Paris Hilton’s spoof video. It was funny and creative. The rest of the Limousine Liberals have little or nothing to say to you that’s worthwhile.
And this applies to the handful of conservatives in Hollywood backing John McCain, like Kelsey Grammer and, well, I can't think of anyone else.
If you’re gonna be influenced by someone’s endorsement, make sure it’s something truly insightful and brilliant.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
McCain wanes
The election will be held in one week. Everybody in America seems to realize that Barack Obama will make history by becoming the first black president.
Well, everybody but one. John McCain, the other guy running, still thinks he’s gonna end up on top.
“Those polls have consistently shown me much further behind than we actually are,” he told NBC’s Tom Brokaw on Sunday, “We’re doing fine. We have closed (the gap) in the last week.”
John, John, John. It’s reality check time. You’re a great guy, a war hero and you’re married to a beautiful brewery heiress.
But you are falling like the stock exchange on a bad day. (Which has been most of the past month.)
Your chances of ending up in the White House are only slightly larger than Paris Hilton’s. (And she’s better looking, in a trampy sort of way.)
The only way you win is if the entire Electoral College flunks Math 101.
Face it; you’re going back to the Senate. (Which is more than we can say for your buddy, Ted Stevens. He going to prison.)
Your claims of impending victory are like saying, ... well, like saying the lowly Tampa Bay Rays would end up in the World Series!
… Hey, wait a minute! Maybe people should vote after all.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Relentless Ralph
You knew Ralph Nader would go down in history. And not just for SCREWING UP THE 2000 ELECTION!
No, Ralphie has found his niche in the Guinness Book of World Records. And not just for SCREWING UP THE 2000 ELECTION!
It seems that the Prince of Futility has officially made more political speeches in one day than anyone else. He uncorked nearly 300 minutes of air time at 21 separate towns in Massachusetts the other day.
First, what did those poor cities do to deserve the Ralph marathon?
I don’t know about you, but I would rather be waterboarded for 300 minutes than listen for that long to that smug, self-proclaimed expert WHO SCREWED UP THE 2000 ELECTION!
I know, I know. We shouldn’t hold grudges. If Al Gore had run a better campaign in 2000, he would have won anyway despite Nader’s kamikaze mission.
Still, he’s annoying, he keeps running for president every four years and HE SCREWED UP THE 2000 ELECTION!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Bush-whacked
The place: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
The setting: Breakfast, earlier this morning.
The participants: A married couple you are familiar with:
Husband: “Good grief, Laura! First Colin Powell, my original secretary of state, stabs me in the back and endorses Barack Obama. Now Scott McClellan, my last press secretary, has done the same.
“It’s not right, I tell ya. Whatever happened to loyalty?
“Oh, well. At least I can still count on you and the girls. … Laura? … Laura? … Where’d you go!?”
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Prisoner power II
My previous blog noted that inmates in Vermont and Maine can vote. Michigan might do them one better; it has a congressional candidate in prison.
I didn’t say one who belongs in prison (as many of them do). I said one who is already there.
The inmate/candidate is Edward Pinkney, who’s also a reverend, by the way. And I guess he doesn’t have much chance of winning Michigan’s 6th Congressional District since he’s only the candidate of the Green Party, not a Dem or Repub.
Still, it’s not your average race.
Pinkney first got five years probation for voter fraud — paying people to vote absentee and improperly handling absentee ballots. Then the dumb-ass violated that probation by threatening a judge. That got him 10 years inside.
On top of everything, his prison isn’t even in the district he wants to represent.
Geez, you’d think that even the Greens could find a better candidate. This clown makes Ralph Nader look statesmanlike.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Prisoner power
If you’re gonna go to prison, I recommend Vermont or Maine.
I don’t know if the chow or movies are better there, but you can vote.
That’s right, taxpayers. Those two states allow prison inmates to help choose our leaders — even murderers. In Vermont, the only crime that can keep you from getting a ballot is … election fraud.
You might think that inmates would be grateful for this perk, but you would be wrong.
“A lot of guys feel, being in jail, we get treated beneath other people when in fact we can be treated as equals,” said Elliot Russell, serving an eight-month sentence for aggravated assault.
Right, Elliot. You’re just like responsible people who obey the law, except you don’t. And on top of it, society discriminates against you for your lousy felony!
It ain’t fair. Then again, lots of politicians end up in prison for graft and corruption, so I guess it completes the cycle after all.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Hisses and misses
Boy, show-and-tell has changed over the years. And some kids are paying the price.
Take the Big Sandy school district in East Texas. Two high school students there were taken to a hospital on Monday … after being bitten by a cottonmouth snake in science class!
Seems that the teacher had mistakenly identified the critter as non-venomous. Can you flunk a teacher?
And this may just be a coincidence, but the district's Web site notes that this month's character trait is ... forgiveness. How convenient.
Big Sandy Superintendent Scott Beene, stating the obvious, said the district would review its policies about bringing animals on campus.
Good idea, Scottie. How'd you like to make that call to their parents?
"Uh, Mrs. Jones, Timmy will be getting home a little late today. ... What happened? ... Well, you'll never believe it, but ... "
I think we can safely assume that in the future, poisonous snakes are out in Big Sandy. Just to be on the safe side, I’d throw in wolves, bears and lions.
Oh, and I’d review the district’s comprehensive insurance policy too.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Dallas Drama II
As semi-predicted in this blog on Friday, the Dallas Cowboys were upset by the St. Louis Rams on Sunday.
OK, maybe it’s more accurate to say they were crushed like a bug or fed into the shredder, but you get the point.
So now Cowboys fans are wailing and gnashing their teeth. They wonder what went wrong. They wonder how to fix it.
The first part is easy. The second isn’t.
The problem with the Cowboys can be laid squarely on the shoulders of J.J.
And no, those initials don’t stand for Jimmy Johnson. If you’ll recall he won two Super Bowls in a row when he was rewarded by being fired. By the other J.J. Jerry Jones.
That is where the Cowboys’ problems reside.
Jones thinks he knows football, and he doesn’t. He wants to draft players, sign players, cut players and coach a little.
Because he doesn’t know what he is doing, the Cowboys haven’t been an elite team since the players that Jimmy Johnson assembled faded away. Remember, the ’Boys haven’t won a playoff game since forever.
On top of all his faults, Jones like thugs. He signs players who were dumped by other teams because they couldn’t get along, people like Terrell Owens, Tank Johnson and Adam “Pacman” Jones. These players don’t have the character to carry the team to the heights needed to win a Super Bowl.
So what to do? Well, wait, I guess.
As long as Jerry Jones runs the team and interferes with his coaches, it will continue to resemble a soap opera instead of a dynasty.
Maybe when he turns the team over to his son Stephen, the turnaround can begin.
Until then, look for a team that continues to make news for what it does off the field, not on. And teams like that don't win championships.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Dallas drama
If the St. Louis Rams upset the Dallas Cowboys this Sunday — hey, I’m just sayin’ it could happen — do you think:
Jerry Jones will say, “I need to stop interfering with Wade and keep my big nose out of the clubhouse!”
Terrell Owens will say, “I need to stop being so selfish and remember that this is a team sport!”
Tony Romo will say, “Playing quarterback in this franchise is like being ringmaster in a circus!”
Naw, I didn’t either.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Animal crackers
There’s wacky, and then there’s really wacky.
Take Jennifer Thornburg of Asheville, N.C. Or as she is now known after legally changing her name, “CutoutDissection.com.”
That’s right. Jenn’s an animal rights nut, and she thinks that cutting up critters (even if they’re dead and provide invaluable insight to students and doctors) is icky. Hence the name change.
One reason why Jenny may have gone over the edge at just 19 years of age is her super-tolerant parents.
Her daddy, Duane Thornburg of Daytona Beach, Fla., said, “I understand why she’s done it. Believe it or not, I totally respect it.”
Gee, Duane. If my daughter did something absurd like that, I don’t think I’d say, “I totally respect it.”
I think I’d say something like, “YOU %#@& IDIOT!!! WHAT THE %#@& WERE YOU THINKING!!!”
But that’s just me.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Ringo no mo'
So Ringo doesn’t want to be bothered anymore by the people who made him rich ’n’ famous.
The former Beatles drummer posted a bizarre rant on his Web site telling fans that after Monday, he won’t give any more autographs or answer fan mail.
“It’s going to be tossed. I’m warning you with peace and love, I have too much to do. So no more fan mail. Thank you, thank you. And no objects to be signed. Nothing. Anyway, peace and love, peace and love.”
Leaving aside the inane and repetitive “peace and love” blather, this is a serious turnaround for Ringo.
When he did a guest spot on “The Simpsons” in 1991, his cartoon character was shown to be particularly sensitive to fan requests.
“They took the time to write to me, and I don’t care if it takes 20 years, I’m going to answer every one of them,” Ringo said then.
Now, as Homer Simpson might say, “D’oh!”
Whatever. A decree is a decree. I hereby vow to never again ask Ringo to scribble a little something on this or that.
(OK, technically I never did before, and no plans to do so in the future, but you know what I mean.)
Peace and love.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Pacman benched again!
Poor Pacman.
All that Adam Jones wants to do is be a football player by day and a thug at night, and mean ol’ commissioner Roger Goodell keeps raining on his parade.
Pacman was suspended yet again for yet another “incident,” as they are usually called in news reports.
This time — and he does get more creative each time — Pacman got into a fight with his own bodyguard hired by the Dallas Cowboys to keep him in line.
(Amazing. I don’t recall Bill Clinton or George Bush ever getting into a scuffle with a Secret Service agent.)
Now Grumpy Goodell has suspended Pacman for four games in this season. His latest problem came only six weeks after he was reinstated following a 17-month suspension.
If you’re keeping score at home, Pacman has been suspended for about as many games as he has actually played. I think that's some kind of NFL record.
Enabler-in-chief Jerry Jones, the Cowboys owner who eagerly signed Pacman over the offseason, mumbled the usual excuses. “I do agree with the commissioner in that he needs to address some things and show that he’s aware of that and address those things.”
Yeah right, Jerry. Get ready to say something like that the next time another chronic trouble-maker -- Terrell Owens -- goes off the deep end.
T.O. has been getting closer to another temper tantrum as the Cowboys founder, having lost two of three games. If the Rams knock them off in St. Louis this Sunday, look for fireworks.
Meanwhile, Michael Vick sits in a prison cell patiently (does he have any other choice?) and waits for the day when he will don the blue-and-white uniform of what was once called “America’s team.”
Monday, October 13, 2008
Atlanta, we have a problem
News item: One in three recent graduates of the Atlanta Police Academy has a criminal record.
Please note the word “graduates” in that sentence.
We’re not talking about morons who stumbled in off the street and applied for a cop job, maybe to win a bar bet.
We’re talking graduates, as in people who went through some type of vetting process and were determined to be the best candidates to be given guns ’n’ badges.
And of that sterling bunch, a third of them were rejected by other law enforcement agencies where they applied.
“Sorry, son. You’re not good enough to be a part-time constable here in Podunk. But you might try applying in Atlanta; I hear they’ll hire anyone.”
The Atlanta Police Department’s chief excuse-maker, Lt. Elder Dancy, who heads up recruiting, wasn’t bothered by the stats.
“We would like, in an ideal world, to see every applicant with a clean record, but obviously that’s not reality. I don’t think you’ll find any departments who hire only applicants with squeaky-clean records.”
The lieutenant is right; high standards make it hard to fill those vacancies and put someone — anyone — behind the wheel of a police car.
All I know is that if I ever cruise through Atlanta, I’ll be on the lookout for unsavory characters … and cops!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Strange Days
It’s official: We live in really strange times.
It’s weird enough that the Tampa Bay (not anymore “Devil”) Rays are in the playoffs, the stock market is plunging toward numbers last seen in the ’80s and a war hero is losing to a rookie senator.
Now Britney Spears is starting to make sense.
You read that correctly.
Britney, the original “pop tart,” said in an interview that will air on MTV on Nov. 30 that she was kind of wacky there for a while.
“I sit there and I look back and I’m like, ‘I’m a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?’ ”
That is truly odd.
If Donald Trump starts acting humble and Madonna endorses abstinence-only sex education and Manny Ramirez says he needs to straighten up, I’m outta here.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
You can't teach stupid -- Part II
Whether the old guy or the young guy wins a seat in the Oval Office for the next four years, he should nominate Paul Lenz to fill the next vacancy on the Supreme Court.
Why him? Well, Lenz, a judge in Eau Claire County, Wis., recently presided over the trial of one Shane McQuillan, 22.
Shane, who comes from the shallow end of his family’s gene pool, was convicted of ramming his car into a closed gate at a waste water treatment plant.
Maybe he didn’t quite get the difference between “open gate” and “closed gate.”
And yes, he admitted that he had been drinking before the March incident. (Surprise!)
Anyway, Lenz could have sentenced McQuillan to a day in jail. But he offered him an alternative, which he accepted:
Spending a day outside the waste water treatment plant holding a sign that reads, “I was stupid.”
Like I said, Lenz has Supreme Court material written all over him.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
You can't teach stupid
So what kind of an idiot would put garbage in a recycling bin?
Dunno, since you’d have to be an idiot to figure it out.
But I guess it’s the same type of idiot who would screw up a dozen other things while remaining blissfully ignorant of all the crap-trails he was leaving behind him.
Case in point: The temporary recycling center at the Market Basket grocery on Phelan Boulevard in Beaumont had to be closed right after Ike.
Why? Well, more than one extremely stupid person was putting garbage into bins designated for paper, glass, etc.
“People were throwing different food products in there, including spoiled meat,” said City Manager Kyle Hayes.
Jeez.
People like that need to evacuate during hurricanes so they won’t bother anyone else here.
And I’m talking far, far away.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Back in the saddle
I’m back, and Barry Bonds isn’t. Both things are good.
Yours truly returned to work and bloggerdom after a “hurrication.” A “hurrication,” of course, is a hurricane vacation.
That’s when you take off a week or two from work to fix up the ol’ homestead after a hurricane — so you can earn more money for next year’s hurricane repairs!
(I believe that’s what scientists call a “closed loop.” Or a sucker’s game. Whatever.)
Barry “BALCO” Bonds is in the news again, too.
The steroid slugger made a rare public appearance this week in San Fran, where he has been named the honorary chairman of that city’s Macy’s Christmas tree lighting.
I will ignore the fact that there has to be a better chairman no matter how much money Bonds has raised for the charity involved … and isn’t it a little early to be talking about Christmas (before Halloween!) … and I thought Macy’s was in New York.
No, my friends, the tasty morsel of this news brief was the claim from The Lyin’ King that he didn’t want to play baseball again.
“I’m happy now that I have more time,” Barry bleated. “I had fun. But I like my freedom.”
What a crock!
He wanted to play so desperately this year that he was begging any team to sign him for a rookie’s minimum salary, which barely covers his pharmaceutical bill.
And when he appeared at an event in in the Giants ballpark this summer, he pointedly declared, “I haven't retired.”
Whatever else happened in baseball this year, the season was a resounding success. Why? Because the free-agent home-run leader was not signed by any other team since A) he has a federal indictment hanging over him, and B) he is a loathsome person.
If the conclusion of his trial next spring ends with a guilty verdict, next year will be off to a great start too!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Be back in a week ... thanks to Ike
This will be my last post until Monday, Oct. 6.
I’m taking a “hurrication.”
What is a “hurrication,” you ask?
Well, a “hurricane vacation,” or a “hurrication,” is when you take time off from work to fix up your house after a blow-by so you can go back to work and earn money for the next tropical storm/hurricane/End of Days.
Three things I have learned about hurricanes:
1) They love to tear down those wooden plank fences all over the region. With Rita and Ike, I’ve had 4-by-4 posts snapped by the force of those winds piling up against the planks like a stiff breeze in a sail. But if the planks are screwed in and not just nailed in, they will not going flying off like missiles.
2) Speaking of flying missiles, it pays to clear your property of flower pots, lawn chairs, picnic tables, etc. before the winds perk up. If you put them in the garage, they’ll be there when you get back and not in your kitchen or living room. Strip that yard!
3) Trees are nice to look at and the subject of a famous poem by Joyce Kilmer (who was a guy, by the way, despite that first name), but they are a pain in the neck in hurricane country. I have one big tree left after several storms. It is going to get a major haircut as soon as I scrape up some cash.
See ya soon.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Palin/Obama debate needed
The presidential campaign has become so mixed up that it’s still not clear if Friday’s debate will come off in Oxford, Miss.
John McCain says the financial meltdown is more important. Barack Obama says talking about ways to freeze the meltdown is more important.
Whatever.
I say scrap the format and reorganize it like this:
Let the two old guys — McCain and Biden — square off against each other. They can both ramble on and on about the good ol’ days and make factual/historical mistakes until one of them gives up.
That leaves the two young and enthusiastic ones to face off — Palin and Obama. That’s who voters care about in this election, and they’d probably have the most interesting things to say.
If the debate ends in a tie, let ’em settle it on a basketball court.
It will be Palin’s feisty defensive skills (as displayed at a high school in Alaska) vs. Obama’s offensive shooting abilities (as displayed at a college in Hawaii).
Now that’s something that would not be ignored by voters.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Delay the debate ... sort of
John McCain is right. The first presidential debate planned for Friday night in Oxford, Miss., should be delayed because of the financial meltdown oozing through Wall Street.
But Barack Obama is right too. He says the debate should go on because voters deserve to hear from their next president how he would fix this mess -- and avoid the next one.
I know; you’re saying that both of them can’t be right, and you are right.
The solution? Delay the debate … for one day.
As my previous blog noted, on a Friday night in the fall, millions of Americans are not going to be at home. They are going to be at their local high school football field — or that of a rival.
With a one-day delay, the televised debate will be seen by far more people, and voters can decide which candidate is the better economist — or blame-shifter.
Any maybe one of them can explain why cigar-smokin'/helicopter-flyin' CEOs deserve “bailouts” that aren’t available to real people who work for a living and find themselves in dire straits.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Friday night ... conflict
Surely I can’t be the only person in the country to notice this:
Why in God’s name are Barack Obama and John McCain holding their first debate … on a Friday night in the fall? (This Friday, in Oxford, Miss.)
You don’t have to be a sports fan to realize that Friday nights in the fall are when high school football is played.
If your child isn’t on the team, he or she might be a cheerleader or in the band or on a drill team.
If not, he or she is probably going to go to the game anyway — to socialize if nothing else.
And many, many parents of high school kids revere “Friday Night Lights” as well.
So again I ask, why did this scheduling conflict have to happen?
If the candidates didn’t realize the importance of Friday night football, they don’t deserve to be elected.
If they think that parents will record the debate and watch it later, they are even worse off.
Incredible. I wonder if their next option was Sunday morning.
Monday, September 22, 2008
After Ike
Bye, Ike. Hello, recovery.
Yours Truly is back a’bloggin’ — after an unplanned trip to Mississippi thanks to a certain hurricane.
Our family’s stay in a church friend’s home outside Vicksburg was nice.
Coming back to property damage you hoped to avoid was not.
You can’t complain though. You know that thousands of people in Bridge City and the Bolivar Peninsula got hit harder.
They need help, and fortunately there’s another way for folks to do it.
It’s called the Texas Disaster Relief Fund, and it has already received more than $4 million in pledges.
If anyone has some cash to spare, this is the place to put it.
By the way, Wednesday is the third anniversary of Hurricane Rita.
Pardon us for not celebrating.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Irked by Ike
This could be my last post for a while.
Ike has intervened, just when it looked as if we might dodge the artillery shell.
Hang in there and stay dry; we'll all reconnect when the winds die down.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Ike's strike
New York journalist Horace Greeley in 1865: “Go west, young man.”
Texas journalist (me) in 2008: “Go west, young hurricane.”
Fortunately — for us, at least — Hurricane Ike seems to be following the setting sun.
That means he probably won’t slam into us … but will slam into something around Corpus Christi or Port Lavaca.
I know the folks down there aren’t too happy with that, but it’s the best possible outcome for Ike.
There are parts of the southern Gulf Coast that are lightly populated. If Ike could make landfall in one of them, the damage would be minimal.
All I know is that we have had our share of hurricane pain. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but it’s someone else’s turn.
As for Ike doing what Rita did in ’05 — heading west and veering north — don’t even think about it.
I have a good feeling about Ike. I think that as with Gustav, we’re gonna dodge this bullet.
Thank God.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Ike? Yikes!
Say it ain’t so! Please tell me I'm having a bad dream about … Ike!
Ike. That’s the nickname for a beloved war hero and president. How did it turn into another fear-fest?
Most of us have barely finished unpacking from the last bugout or putting the potted plants back out on the patio. Now we have to go through the same drill all over again. Are we having fun yet?
I know that living on the Gulf Coast means living with the threat of killer ’canes. But we were hammered by Rita in ’05 and had Humberto last year and Edouard this year — not to mention our little scare from Gustav.
What I’m trying to say is … enough is enough!
It’s somebody else’s turn. I know that whoever is in the zone will be praying for a break, but we’ve had our share of tropical trauma.
Ike needs to find a lightly populated stretch of coast and bring some gentle rain inland.
But whatever happens, please, Lord, not us this time.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Quentin/cretin
You are Carlos Quentin, one of the hottest hitters in baseball.
You started this season as a part-time player, hoping to get off the bench.
You were ending this season as the near-consensus MVP in the American League.
That’s because you put up monster numbers, like 36 home runs and 100 RBIs with nearly a full month yet to play.
You have propelled your team, the White Sox, to first place in the tough AL Central.
So what do you do Monday night?
Well, you’re batting against the Indians’ Cliff Lee, the best pitcher in the American League.
You foul off a pitch, so in frustration, you hit the bat you are holding by your left hand with your right hand.
And you break your right wrist.
In one incredibly stupid move, you trash your best season, throw away the MVP award and threaten to keep your team out of the playoffs.
… Jeez, talk about being dumber ’n a box of rocks.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
What should we call Chad?
It’s getting harder and harder for eccentric athletes/actors to get noticed. Take Chad Johnson, for example.
Chad is a receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, and a good one. He is also an immature, unstable egomaniac, as proved by countless episodes and outbursts.
In his latest stunt, he legally changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco. In case your Spanish is rusty, ocho cinco means “eight five.” Not “eighty five,” which is his uniform number, and which he is what he means, but “eight five.”
Now charming Chad gets to display “Ocho Cinco” on the back of his jersey.
I think he should have legally changed his last name to something else. Something like:
1) Moron
2) Loser
3) Immature, unstable egomaniac. (OK, that's too long for the back of the jersey, so forget that one.)
Good grief; is it any wonder that fans turn to high school or college sports to get away from spoiled brats like that?
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Looters, shooters
Two things didn’t happen with the latest hurricane:
Texas didn’t get hit. (Always a big positive.)
New Orleans didn’t get looted. (Also very nice.)
The lack of looting almost got overlooked, until some thieves in Ville Platte in south Louisiana revived bad memories. It seems that a few low-lifes were trying to help themselves to a supply truck loaded with food and water for Hurricane Gustav victims.
When National Guard soldiers approached, gunfire broke out. But it’s not what you think: The looters were the shooters, too.
The Guard troopers returned the fire, but none of the thieves were hit. Or were hit bad enough to be lying on the ground when the Guard secured the truck.
You’ve got to be pretty stupid to shoot at a National Guard patrol.
Those guys are armed with fully automatic M-16s, and know how to use them.
You, being a punk looter, probably have a Saturday Night Special, and you couldn’t hit a Holstein from 20 yards.
But if you’re a looter, your day job isn’t brain surgeon, so you don’t know these things or care about them.
Not to worry, though. I have to believe that natural selection takes care of these little problems eventually. I’m guessing that few looters die peacefully in their old age.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Duckin' Gus
If you left and regret it, don’t.
If you stayed and want to gloat, don’t.
Yeah, we ducked Gus. But we came about as close as you can come to missing a big ’cane without actually getting hit. A minor shift by Gustav would have brought major headaches here.
Most of my family relocated to San Antone.
I stayed and prayed. I was hoping the storm would follow the path predicted by the experts, ready to bug out if we became the bull’s eye.
All the while, I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Storms almost never follow the path predicted by the experts.
This time, it did. Thank God for us — though the folks in Louisiana who got hammered are wondering why they couldn’t catch a break with a veer one way or another.
Now they say Ike and Josephine are patiently standing in line, ready to bring new worries to someone on the coast.
I don’t even know where that will be, but I can’t wait for hurricane season to end.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Gustav's gusts
Gustav, Gustav, go away
Ruin someone else’s day.
OK, so it’s not great poetry.
But it’s hard to be inspired as we once again eye a monster hurricane heading toward us — or near us.
The eggheads say it won’t be until Monday before we have a decent idea of where Gustav will go to ground. Happy Labor Day.
I though Rita was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Humberto and Edouard must not have gotten the memo.
I’m in the same boat as a lot of folks: Too many people and animals to evacuate vs. a strong desire to avoid 90 mph winds followed by loss of power and water.
I hate to see anyone gutted by Gustav. But since it’s going to hit somewhere on the Gulf Coast, it needs to pick a relatively unpopulated part, like south-central Louisiana.
Please, Lord, send it there.
One more time,
spare me and mine.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
VPrediction II
Despite missing my earlier prediction about who Barack Obama would select as his VP, I shall nonetheless charge forward boldly and tell you who John McCain will choose.
Hey, there’s room in cyberspace for this sort of thing.
McCain should grab a woman (not literally, of course) to give his campaign some pizazz and pick up disgruntled Hillaryites. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin or former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina would be excellent choices.
Some pundits have suggested our own Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, but A) she wants to be governor instead, and B) she is a Texan. That last point would make it hard for McCain to claim that his term would not be Bush III.
Sen. Joe Liebermann of Connecticut would be nifty, mostly because it would be ironic in the extreme for him to go from the Demo VP nominee in ’00 to the GOP’s in ’08.
That leave’s two frontrunners -- current Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney.
My prediction is that McCain will … pick Mitt.
He is a Mormon, and that makes Christian righties uneasy. But if he could deliver the state his dad governed years ago — Michigan — that could win the thing in November.
We shall see. But it looks like both candidates will make safe, conventional choices instead of swinging for the fences. Pity.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Swiss witch
It’s never too late to say, “I’m sorry.”
Take the Swiss state of Glarus. It’s in the east-central part of that country, kinda like our Tennessee — but with less moonshine and more yodeling. (Though if you drink enough moonshine, you will start to yodel.)
Anyhow, the powers-that-be in Glarus have exonerated Anna Goeldi.
And who is this Swiss Miss, you ask?
Well, she was a maidservant beheaded in 1782 for witchcraft. And not just your average riding-a-broom witchcraft. Anna supposedly caused a girl to spit pins, sort of an early version of a Black & Decker nail gun.
And like they say on the game shows, “Wait! There’s more!”
Anna also had an affair with her boss, one Johann Jakob Tschudi, a doctor and magistrate. Maybe he wanted to avoid being exposed, so to speak, so he got rid of the evidence.
At any rate, Anna was the last of thousands of “witches” executed in Europe between the 14th and 18th centuries. That makes her sort of famous. Her hometown of Mollis even has a museum in her honor.
That’s nice. If I ever visit Mollis, I will check it out.
But I gotta wonder, “Isn’t there anything else going on in Mollis? Maybe an exhibit of cheeses or a chocolate factory?”
Guess not.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Be like Mike
Finally, an athlete who actually stays retired.
And Michael Strahan actually had an owner begging him to come back.
The scenario: The N.Y. Giants just lost Pro Bowl defensive end Osi Umenyiora to a season-ending knee injury. So they offered Strahan — a former D.E. — $8 million to put on the pads one more year.
Tempting.
Strahan, 36, thought long and hard about it. But in the end, he decided that he would do what he said he would do.
“This has been one of the toughest nights of my life,” Strahan told FoxSports.com. “But after long deliberation and throwing around a million scenarios in my head for the past day, I think it’s just best if I stay retired. … I really love my life now.”
Bravo, Mike.
It didn’t hurt that he actually had another job lined up — not that he needed the money — to appear on the FOX pre-game show for $2 million.
Contrast Strahan’s classy restraint with the circus surrounding Brett Favre, who cynically jerked around the franchise he supposedly loved.
More aging jocks should be like Mike. Quit when you’re old — especially if you can go out a world champion.
It’s pathetic when they keep changing their minds … usually because they don’t know what else to do with their lives.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Oly-over
It’s always bittersweet to see the Olympics close out. You know it’s coming, but for a couple of weeks you get drawn into that special world. Other sports don’t matter so much. The same goes for a lot of other things that you normally follow — or obsess over.
It’s hard to imagine that we will ever again see a performance like the one Michael Phelps turned in. Records are supposedly made to be broken, but eight golds for one athlete is mind-boggling. Even the three lopsided wins by Usain “Lightning” Bolt don’t compare.
In the short run, China seemed to have gotten more from the games than it gave.
In exchange for the honor of hosting the games and the world recognizing it a major power, China was supposed to relax the police state for a few days.
It didn’t. It didn’t allow any demonstrations at the three Orwellian “official protest zones.” It kept journalists on a tight leash with none of those annoying interviews with dissidents.
That’s frustrating. But maybe in the long run, China was affected by the games in subtle ways it can’t control, in ways that will undermine the party bosses.
London and 2012 seem so far away. What will rowers and rhythmic gymnasts and badminton players do until then? … More importantly, what will we do?
Posts
