The facts are still trickling in on the wicked shootings at Fort Hood. There’s a lot we don’t know, and may never know.
Here’s something we do know: The person or persons responsible for this are the lowest of the low.
Sick haters like that are disgusting enough.
When you compare them to the decent, principled men and women who have sacrificed so much to serve our country, the gap between shooter and victim is beyond comprehension.
May God bless all those targeted by this cowardly attack.
The grief over this one extends far, far beyond Fort Hood.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Fort Hood horror
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Cash candidate
I guess the words “normal” and “Texas governor” just can’t seem to find themselves in the same sentence.
Don’t take my word for it; ask Farouk Shami.
He is, if you’ve been waiting for a white knight, the latest person/character/candidate to make a run for the governor’s mansion. (Which, if I recall correctly, is gutted, unoccupied and burned.)
Shami is described as a wealthy “hair care executive.” This is ironic because the current guv, Rick Perry, is sometimes called Gov. Goodhair.
Anyhoo, Shami says he will spend $10 million of his own money to oust Perry. With all that cash, you might think he’s an Elephant, but he will run under the Donkey banner.
Shami says he is “100 percent sure” he will be the next guv. I would put his odds a little lower. OK, a lot lower.
Let’s face it, the man does not have name recognition. And the name he has is not yer basic Texan.
When some Texans hear “Shami,” they’ll think “Shamwow.”
My advice would be to rethink this whole thing and save $10 mil. His kids will thank him for it.
At this rate, Kinky Friedman could end up as the most trustworthy candidate.
And you thought politics was boring.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Talk is cheap
As the World Series shifts to New York for crucial games 6 and maybe 7, millions of baseball fans are anxiously asking:
Will the Yankee’s catcher keep going out to the mound during the game and wasting so much danged time?
Yes, sports fan, it was not your imagination. The World Series games were dragging along at a languid pace – even more so than usual.
In Game 4, catcher Jorge Posada trotted out to chat with pitcher C.C. Sabathia a mind-boggling total of eight times in one inning.
Good grief. I have less contact with some of my family. (And that’s not a bad thing, but that’s another blog.)
Posada lamely defended his Dilbertian obsession with meetings: “It’s just part of the game. We want to talk with each other so we know what we’re doing.”
Jeez, Jorge, you’re playing a freakin’ game! Stop jawin’ and start throwin’.
And let’s face it, many of these meetings were simply not necessary.
Posada later confirmed that during some of the confabs, he and C.C. discussed whether they would have fish or chicken after the game, debated the science of global warming and kicked around some early Oscar picks.
The game is slow enough as it is. Slow it up even more and I believe time will stand still.
On the other hand, at least the endless meetings delay the inevitable Yankee victory and the endless crowing from their obnoxious fans on how great the team is.
New Yawkers really should be high-fiving the Steinbrenner family for writing all those big checks and buying a championship.
Wait’ll next year. Cards in six.
Monday, November 02, 2009
Cruisin' for a bruisin'
Sometimes, size does matter.
But if you’re going on a cruise ship for a week or so to get away from it all and relax, do you really wanna pick the world’s largest cruise ship?
Apparently, the brain trust at Royal Caribbean International thinks so. They have just launched the world’s largest cruiser, and it’s a monster.
How big? Try five times the size of the Titanic. It’s 40 percent larger than the next biggest cruise ship.
It can carry 6,300 passengers and has a crew of 2,100. The danged thing is 20 stories high!
And it has seven “neighborhoods,” a golf course and an ice-skating rink.
In other words, it’s like a lot of cities. Which I believe is what people go on cruise ships to get away from.
They named it Oasis of the Seas. I would have chosen Colossus of the Seas.
And I will not choose to book passage on it.
If I want to spend a lot of money and eat strange foods and be surrounded by tons of people, I’ll go to a pro football game like everybody else.
And I won’t get seasick.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Taking a bite out of crime
The stupidity of criminals never ceases to amaze. And when you throw in weird state laws to prosecute idiotic crooks, you’ve got a doozy of a tale.
Like the guy in Florida who tried to steal a ferret by shoving it in his pants and running out of the pet store.
Needless to say, the dumbass got bitten. In parts of the body where you don’t want to get bitten.
Uh, what did he expect? This has to be the worst possible combination of A) the animal chosen to be stolen, and B) the place to put it.
(A close second would be putting a boa constrictor around your neck and running out of the pet store.)
But wait, there’s more.
When a witness confronted said thief, he whipped out the ferret and shoved it in his face.
Which under Florida law, is classified as using the ferret as a “special weapon.” So he gets a shoplifting charge and a battery charge.
Can it get worse for this moron? You betcha!
You know he’s going to hear over and over in jail, “Hey, dude, is that a ferret in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?”
Serves him right. … Hope he gets community service at the animal shelter and has to clean out dozens of stinky dog cages. And maybe a ferret pen or two.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Food fight
Is there no end to the problems from the obesity epidemic that threatens to bury our fair nation beneath a mountain of blubber?
Now an accused killer in New Jersey (where else?) is claiming he was too fat to do the deed.
It’s true, calorie-counters.
Ed Ates (don’t you love that last name?) claims he was too tubby to run up a flight of stairs, pump a bunch of bullets into his son-in-law, bend over to pick up the shell casings, run back down the stairs and drive for 21 straight hours to his mom’s home in Louisiana!
For the record, he was packing 285 pounds of beef (and some flab) on his 5 foot 8 inch frame.
His lawyer claims Ates’ weight and other health problems should rule him out as Suspect No. 1.
"You look at Ed and you don't need to hear it from a doctor," the attorney said.
I dunno. When a person – even a fat person – is motivated enough, he can do some amazing things.
The judge ought to order a little test on big Eddie:
Make sure he misses a few meals in jail. Then let it casually slip out that three or four Big Macs, a couple of orders of fries and a large Coke are available on the second floor.
If fatso stays put and salivates, he just might be innocent.
But if he bounds up the stairs like an NFL lineman chasing Brett Favre, I say fry him.
… After sautéing him in a light butter sauce, of course.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Hoax busters
The Heenes of “Balloon Boy” fame are sweatin’ it out.
They are, of course, the Colorado clan that believes, “The family that fakes together stays together.”
Prosecutors are still trying to decide whether to indict the Mom & Pop Balloon Shop for that little distraction they caused recently.
Felony or misdemeanor? Multiple counts or one? The nation’s legal system – and “Larry King Live” – are waiting anxiously.
My inside sources say the charges could include any of the following:
1) Having weird names. “Heenes” rhymes with wienies. ‘Nuff said there. And the 6 year old who was supposedly floating up, up and away is named “Falcon.” Uh, are his brothers “Eagle” and “Hawk”?
2) Spilling the beans too quickly. If they had milked the scam a little longer, they could have pushed the World Series to the background and we wouldn’t have had to watch the Yankees gloat.
3) Failing to ask if they could go into some silly rehab program like all the other celebrity losers to beat the rap.
On the plus side, they have introduced the odd term “Balloon Boy” to the national lexicon and provided lots of kids with nifty ideas for Halloween costumes.
I say the judge should sentence them to 100 hours of community service and order them to make TV commercials warning impressionable youngsters not to do stupid things.
… Wait, the whole thing was designed to get them a reality show, wasn’t it? OK, then drop the TV commercials and assign them to litter pickup along a desolate stretch of highway.
And double the sentence if they claim to see Bigfoot while they are out there.
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