Gustav, Gustav, go away
Ruin someone else’s day.
OK, so it’s not great poetry.
But it’s hard to be inspired as we once again eye a monster hurricane heading toward us — or near us.
The eggheads say it won’t be until Monday before we have a decent idea of where Gustav will go to ground. Happy Labor Day.
I though Rita was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Humberto and Edouard must not have gotten the memo.
I’m in the same boat as a lot of folks: Too many people and animals to evacuate vs. a strong desire to avoid 90 mph winds followed by loss of power and water.
I hate to see anyone gutted by Gustav. But since it’s going to hit somewhere on the Gulf Coast, it needs to pick a relatively unpopulated part, like south-central Louisiana.
Please, Lord, send it there.
One more time,
spare me and mine.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Gustav's gusts
Thursday, August 28, 2008
VPrediction II
Despite missing my earlier prediction about who Barack Obama would select as his VP, I shall nonetheless charge forward boldly and tell you who John McCain will choose.
Hey, there’s room in cyberspace for this sort of thing.
McCain should grab a woman (not literally, of course) to give his campaign some pizazz and pick up disgruntled Hillaryites. Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin or former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina would be excellent choices.
Some pundits have suggested our own Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, but A) she wants to be governor instead, and B) she is a Texan. That last point would make it hard for McCain to claim that his term would not be Bush III.
Sen. Joe Liebermann of Connecticut would be nifty, mostly because it would be ironic in the extreme for him to go from the Demo VP nominee in ’00 to the GOP’s in ’08.
That leave’s two frontrunners -- current Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney.
My prediction is that McCain will … pick Mitt.
He is a Mormon, and that makes Christian righties uneasy. But if he could deliver the state his dad governed years ago — Michigan — that could win the thing in November.
We shall see. But it looks like both candidates will make safe, conventional choices instead of swinging for the fences. Pity.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Swiss witch
It’s never too late to say, “I’m sorry.”
Take the Swiss state of Glarus. It’s in the east-central part of that country, kinda like our Tennessee — but with less moonshine and more yodeling. (Though if you drink enough moonshine, you will start to yodel.)
Anyhow, the powers-that-be in Glarus have exonerated Anna Goeldi.
And who is this Swiss Miss, you ask?
Well, she was a maidservant beheaded in 1782 for witchcraft. And not just your average riding-a-broom witchcraft. Anna supposedly caused a girl to spit pins, sort of an early version of a Black & Decker nail gun.
And like they say on the game shows, “Wait! There’s more!”
Anna also had an affair with her boss, one Johann Jakob Tschudi, a doctor and magistrate. Maybe he wanted to avoid being exposed, so to speak, so he got rid of the evidence.
At any rate, Anna was the last of thousands of “witches” executed in Europe between the 14th and 18th centuries. That makes her sort of famous. Her hometown of Mollis even has a museum in her honor.
That’s nice. If I ever visit Mollis, I will check it out.
But I gotta wonder, “Isn’t there anything else going on in Mollis? Maybe an exhibit of cheeses or a chocolate factory?”
Guess not.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Be like Mike
Finally, an athlete who actually stays retired.
And Michael Strahan actually had an owner begging him to come back.
The scenario: The N.Y. Giants just lost Pro Bowl defensive end Osi Umenyiora to a season-ending knee injury. So they offered Strahan — a former D.E. — $8 million to put on the pads one more year.
Tempting.
Strahan, 36, thought long and hard about it. But in the end, he decided that he would do what he said he would do.
“This has been one of the toughest nights of my life,” Strahan told FoxSports.com. “But after long deliberation and throwing around a million scenarios in my head for the past day, I think it’s just best if I stay retired. … I really love my life now.”
Bravo, Mike.
It didn’t hurt that he actually had another job lined up — not that he needed the money — to appear on the FOX pre-game show for $2 million.
Contrast Strahan’s classy restraint with the circus surrounding Brett Favre, who cynically jerked around the franchise he supposedly loved.
More aging jocks should be like Mike. Quit when you’re old — especially if you can go out a world champion.
It’s pathetic when they keep changing their minds … usually because they don’t know what else to do with their lives.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Oly-over
It’s always bittersweet to see the Olympics close out. You know it’s coming, but for a couple of weeks you get drawn into that special world. Other sports don’t matter so much. The same goes for a lot of other things that you normally follow — or obsess over.
It’s hard to imagine that we will ever again see a performance like the one Michael Phelps turned in. Records are supposedly made to be broken, but eight golds for one athlete is mind-boggling. Even the three lopsided wins by Usain “Lightning” Bolt don’t compare.
In the short run, China seemed to have gotten more from the games than it gave.
In exchange for the honor of hosting the games and the world recognizing it a major power, China was supposed to relax the police state for a few days.
It didn’t. It didn’t allow any demonstrations at the three Orwellian “official protest zones.” It kept journalists on a tight leash with none of those annoying interviews with dissidents.
That’s frustrating. But maybe in the long run, China was affected by the games in subtle ways it can’t control, in ways that will undermine the party bosses.
London and 2012 seem so far away. What will rowers and rhythmic gymnasts and badminton players do until then? … More importantly, what will we do?
Friday, August 22, 2008
VPrediction
This was blogged Friday night, so I hope Sen. Barack Obama hasn’t chosen his running mate yet when you read this. The latest word was The Big Text Message would go out Saturday morning.
Four main finalists have emerged toward the end. Two would be good choices, two would be bad.
The baddies are Sen. Evan Bayh of Indiana and Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware.
Actually, Bayh is a more of a so-so choice. He’s not good because he so bland ... but he’s not too bad because he is so bland.
Biden, on the other hand, will not help Obama — not that he probably needs it. Biden is a windbag little known outside of the Northeast, which Obama has in his backpocket anyway.
The two good choices would be Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine and Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius.
My prediction is that Obama will raise Kaine. That brings him Virginia, a state Republicans had been winning, and makes John McCain’s odds even longer in the fall.
Sebelius would help Obama woo the millions of frustrated females who backed Hillary. This is a key point:
If Obama doesn’t name a woman as VP and McCain does, November could be a lot more interesting than it is looking now.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
U.S. vs. Jamaica
The USA: Huge nation with thousands of top athletes. There are more than 300 million of us overall.
Jamaica: Small nation with a few top athletes. It has less than 3 million people, about 1 percent of our population.
So guess which country went 0 for 6 in the high-profile sprint races at the Olympics -- the men’s and women’s 100s, 200s and 400 relays?
That would be, duh, us.
Which nation could sweep the Super Six?
That would be Jamaica.
Tsk. Tsk.
Both our men’s and women’s 400-meter relay teams even managed to drop the baton and fizzle out.
At least one of those athletes, Lauryn Williams, minced no words when she evaluated the performance of her team (and by extension, all U.S. sprinters).
“They brought their ‘A’ game,” she said of the Jamaicans. “I don’t know where we left ours. It’s packed somewhere in my suitcase. I forgot to dig it out. We’ve got to go find it, though.”
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Usain again
So is Usain Bolt the greatest sprinter ever?
After all, he just added the 200 meter gold medal to the one he took for 100 meters. And he set world records in both events, something never done before.
Answer: Maybe.
The only reason that is not a resounding “yes!” is the way he won his first gold, the one for 100 meters.
As I blogged before, he coasted the last 10 meters (some say 20 meters) when it was clear that he was going to win.
Despite that showboating, he still broke his own world record and got below the 9.7-second barrier for the first time in history. His final time was 9.69 … but it could have much lower if had run all out! He might have broken the 9.6-second barrier, something many experts said was not possible.
Bolt must have heard the critics after his 100 meter performance. For the 200 meter race, he never let up. He was straining all the way.
And that, of course, is exactly how you’re supposed to run a sprint.
Best ever?
I’ll say yes when he breaks the 9.6-second barrier in the 100 meters, and when he breaks the 19-second barrier in the 200. (His gold medal time Wednesday was 19.3 seconds.)
You know what? I think he will.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Cincinnati Criminals
So, how pathetic are the Cincinnati Bengals? They are this pathetic:
They just resigned Chris Henry. He’s the punk criminal they reluctantly cut in April because the team was leading the league in thuggery. Facing major criticism, the Bengals felt they had to make some gesture to show they had standards after all.
They did — sort of, maybe. For 3½ months.
Even on the Bengals, Henry’s lawbreaking stood out. A judge called him a “one-man crime wave.”
Overall, the Bengals had 10 players arrested in a 14-month span from April 2006 to June 2007. (“Criminal Chris” was certainly included.)
The team’s namby-pamby coach, Marvin Lewis, was painfully unable to enforce any kind of discipline. The Bengals became a league joke.
Henry was trouble as soon as the Bengals drafted him (third round, 2005). He was arrested four times between December 2005 and June 2006 — possession of marijuana in Kentucky, carrying a concealed weapon in Florida, drunken driving in Ohio and giving alcohol to minors in Kentucky.
He was suspended by the league for two games in 2006 and the first eight games of last season.
Finally, after his fifth arrest in April, the Bengals cut him. He was accused then of punching an 18-year-old college student in the face and breaking his car window with a beer bottle.
When it happened, team owner Mike Brown said, “His conduct can no longer be tolerated.”
Well, after the Bengals had some other receivers injured, apparently it can be tolerated.
Jeez, this is lame.
Monday, August 18, 2008
9.59?
For me, the glamour event of the Summer Olympics is the men’s 100 meter final.
It is short and pure. The winner is the fastest human being on the planet.
This year’s gold medalist is Usain Bolt of Jamaica.
He’s taller than all other sprinters — 6’5”.
He’s also faster. Much faster. And he is now the fastest man on earth.
Bolt blazed the distance in just 9.68 seconds, later rounded up to 9.69.
That’s 0.03 seconds below his own world record. That’s incredible for an event where reductions of 0.01 second are significant.
What’s even more mind-boggling is that Bolt got off to a slow start (which is often unavoidable in sprinting). And his left shoelace wasn’t completely tied (which seems preventable).
But here’s the kicker: He eased up the last 10 meters when it was clear that no one was going to catch him — at least no one who wasn’t riding a rocket.
If Bolt had run through the tape instead of coasting, he might have posted a time of 9.59. That's a number human beings were not thought to be capable of posting.
Maybe Bolt thought he wasn’t going to set a world record and was just happy to grab the gold. And if he runs a 9.59 later, well, then it didn’t matter so much.
But in the mega-event of track and field, the race that is run only once every four years, you shouldn’t hot-dog it. You owe it to your sport and your fans to run your best time.
If it’s possible to tarnish a gold medal for a time that fast, Usain Bolt did it.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Collar cruelty
This is one of those things you read about every now and then, and you just shake your head in disgust and disbelief.
Some moron puts a tight collar around a puppy’s neck … and never changes it. As the puppy grows, the collar slowly cuts into its neck … through the fur and into the skin.
Sort of like being strangled by a wire, if you’re wondering.
All the while this terribly painful thing is happening, the owner sits by and ... well, does nothing.
Dear God in heaven! How can someone be so dumb, so clueless?
The latest example of this nightmare comes from a Beaumont man names Norris Jones. Now Jones is innocent and all that unless proved guilty, but he is also accused of chaining this poor dog to a fence without any shelter. I’m guessing he won’t be nominated for Dog Owner of the Year.
His “pet,” and I use that term loosely, was in such poor shape that it had to be euthanized.
If Jones is convicted of a state felony jail charge of animal cruelty, he could get two years in prison.
Personally, I think people who do this to their dogs should have a very, very tight collar placed around their neck … and left in place for a long, long time.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Chinese cheating
Top 10 signs that not all Chinese female gymnasts at the Olympic Games are at least 16 years old as required by international rules:
10) Clothing allowance includes reimbursement for training pants.
9) Favorite TV show is “Teletubbies.”
8) Training breaks are called “nappy time.”
7) Uniforms were ordered from Beijing’s “Kids R Us” store.
6) Meals often consist of strained applesauce.
5) When not competing, athletes attend Beijing Elementary School No. 56.
4) On questionnaire distributed to all participants, one athlete listed “biggest frustration” as “not being allowed to sit at grownups table during family celebrations.”
3) Autographs are signed with crayons.
2) Team’s favorite song is “Itsy Bitsy Spider.”
1) Cooler is stocked with Gatorade … in baby bottles.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
News flash: Brett Favre is old
Imagine for a moment that you are the general manager or head coach of the New York Jets.
You’ve just wooed and pursued Brett Favre when his plans to return to Green Bay fizzled.
You got rid of Chad Pennington, the guy who was going to be your starting QB.
You’ve invested a bunch of money and prestige in No. 4.
Then on Wednesday, just the fifth day that Favre is practicing with your team at summer camp … he has a lousy outing ... and confesses that he’s not a young man anymore.
“I felt 38 today. I’m not going to lie to you. My arm’s kind of dragging a little bit today … To be honest with you, I’m surprised … that I’ve been able to make it through every practice so far.”
Uh, gee, thanks for the scoop, Brett.
Maybe this is why athletes RETIRE when they start stumbling into middle age.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Rhymes with "art"
Some weird stories need no comment, like this one:
GENEVA, Switzerland — A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.
… Oh, heck. I’m gonna comment anyway:
1) If this isn’t the most disgusting piece of crap to ever masquerade as art, it’s real close.
2) Can you imagine a museum director dumb enough to pay this “artist” for his “creation”?
3) What are the odds the police thought it was a prank call when museum officials reported the airborne object?
4) What was the artist's name for the darned thing -- "Dog's surprise"?
5) And finally, do you think the giant inflatable thingee floated off … because it had too much gas?
Monday, August 11, 2008
No mo' go & throw
Gas prices have dropped a bit, and we’re happy. Yes, it’s odd to be happy about gasoline that costs $3.60 gallon, but it’s all relative.
Maybe the mini-rollback will end the growing epidemic of “go and throw.” I refer, of course, to the phenomenon of truckers urinating in plastic bottles and tossing them out the window.
Apparently the recent price surge forced truckers to drive slower to conserve fuel. Then they didn’t want to stop (and go!) at truck stops. So they kept moving while they were, uh, offloading liquid.
How bad of a problem is this? Well, the Associated Press reported, “A litter crew for the Oregon Department of Transportation picked up an estimated 200-300 urine filled plastic bottles along (I-84), about half of which were found in a short stretch dubbed “Three Mile Hill.”
Maybe it should be renamed “three-ounce hill,” but I digress.
Truckers of America, let’s nip this problem in the bud! (Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.)
If you have to, ahem, do your business while on the run, please dispose of the bottle properly at your next stop. (Eventually, you will stop.)
Would you like to be the litter crew or highway mower picking up multiple bottles of a yellow, foamy liquid that isn’t Mountain Dew? I didn’t think so.
If you’ll do that, we’ll understand that this is one time that you can’t keep both hands on the wheel.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Double-digit DWIs
So what do you do with a loser like Kenneth Oneal?
He’s such a loser, he doesn’t even put an apostrophe in the name Oneal like actor Ryan O’Neal and thousands of other O’Neals do.
But that’s not the main reason he’s a loser. His biggest affront to life as we know it is his penchant for driving while intoxicated. Kenny has 10 — that’s right, 10 — DWI convictions.
If he had killed himself six or seven DWIs ago on some lonely stretch of road, he might have finally made a contribution to the human race … by subtracting himself from it without dragging anyone else with him.
But he didn’t. He just kept drinking and driving, endangering anyone who might be on the road near Wichita Falls.
On his latest bust, his blood-alcohol level was 0.215. Jeez, that’s nearly three times the 0.08 that the law calls drunken driving.
No. 10, however, might have been Kenny’s swan song. A jury just dropped the max on him — life in prison. I’d like to high-five all of the jurors, though I doubt they were his “peers.”
Prisons should be reserved for real dirtbags, but Oneal is an accident waiting to happen, and it could be a fatal one.
Oneal is 58. There’s no telling how much longer his booze-abused body will hang on. As far as I’m concerned, the sooner he checks out, the sooner that prison cell is freed up for another felon.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
A break from Brett
Whew! Finally it is over and we can get some peace!
I am talking about — what else? — the Brett Favre drama.
Was he in or out? Would it be here or there?
Talk about important! I don’t know what America would have done without the 24/7 saturation coverage.
I guess we’ll just go back the rest of our lives and THINGS THAT REALLY MATTER.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Beijing baloney
In theory, the Olympics are about sports, not politics.
In reality, of course, you can’t separate the two.
Especially when countries like China host the spectacle.
On the one hand, let’s give credit where credit is due.
China is not the human-rights hellhole it used to be. Chinese people still can’t challenge the one-party rule — and do a lot of other things that truly free people do. But they have a lot of personal freedoms, ranging from unlimited travel to the unlimited pursuit of wealth.
That’s nice.
What’s not nice is China’s continued oppression of Tibet, its continued threats against Taiwan and its continued support of evil dictatorships like North Korea and Burma.
So if over the next two weeks, you see Olympic athletes speaking out against China’s shortcomings, don’t fall for the Communist Party line that they are mixing sports and politics or violating the spirit of the games.
And on that note, who leaned on the U.S. cyclists and forced them to apologize for wearing black face masks when they entered Beijing?
Michael Friedman, Sarah Hammer, Bobby Lea and Jennie Reed released a statement Wednesday that sounds like it was written by the Chinese Politburo:
“The wearing of protective masks upon our arrival into Beijing was strictly a precautionary measure we as athletes chose to take, and was in no way meant to serve as an environmental or political statement. We deeply regret the nature of our choices. Our decision was not intended to insult BOCOG or countless others who have put forth a tremendous amount of effort to improve the air quality in Beijing.”
Huh? The masks were right on. Beijing’s air — and its politics — are polluted.
The cyclists were making a statement that needed to be made. If it ruffled a few feathers in China ... good!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Copper shocker
I don’t wish death on any criminals, except those who murdered someone. But it’s hard to feel sorry for James McKay, 51, who died a pretty agonizing death last weekend in Dallas.
You see, McKay didn’t have to check out so soon. He was trying to steal some copper when his fatal accident occurred. Unfortunately for him, he chose to cop the copper … from a utility pole chock full of high-voltage wires.
That was not smart. In fact, it was extremely stupid.
In the process of his attempted crime, McKay was severely shocked and burned.
According to the AP, “A Dallas Fire-Rescue official said McKay had suffered third-degree burns and was burned on about 50 percent of his body. On Friday, live television coverage of the 1½ -hour rescue showed McKay’s shirt in tatters, his jeans mostly burned away from his body. His skin looked red and he appeared to be in extreme pain as rescue personnel eased him down a fire truck’s extended ladder.”
Before McKay passed away, I wonder if anyone asked him, “Uh, dude, like WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”
Monday, August 04, 2008
Edgy about Edouard
If you’re reading this on Tuesday, that’s a good sign.
It means that Tropical Storm Edouard didn’t turn into Hurricane Edouard, veer north and blow you halfway to Jasper. It means you have electricity in your home or business — and a home or business still standing.
I was hoping and praying Monday night that you evaded Edouard — and that my family did too.
The experts say Edouard will probably hit west of us and that we will only get a little wind and rain. Let’s hope the experts have earned their Expert Certificates.
It’s not that I want someone else to be hammered by Eddie. The ideal place for him/it to make landfall would be an isolated stretch of coast somewhere between Galveston and Brazosport.
Let’s hope Mr. Ed keeps heading straight west so something like that happened. Unfortunately, Galveston Island was right in the bull’s eye.
All I know is that Southeast Texas got ravaged by Rita, and one monster hurricane per lifetime is enough.
Heck, it might even be too much.
Be a gentleman, Edouard.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Web wit
Here's another Internet nugget that's better than the usual spam:
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:
1) Japanese people eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2) Mexican people eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3) Chinese people drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4) Italian people drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5) German people drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever the hell you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you, but the U.S. government is trying to correct the problem.
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