OK, I’ll take the bait.
Local gadfly Phil Klein challenged me and other media folks to speak out on the sentence proposed for Kerry Foulk.
I don’t know what else The Enterprise will be doing with this case, which is still ongoing. But this is my blog, so here goes.
Foulk is the former substitute teacher in Nederland who pleaded guilty to molesting a 14-year-old girl in 2006.
Phil is outraged because he thinks she’s getting a slap on the wrist. He’s basically right.
It’s not the lightest sentence ever handed down to a sex offender, but she clearly isn’t getting the book thrown at her.
The main problem — so far, at least — is no time behind bars. She’s getting 10 years of probation instead.
That’s not good. What’s even worse is that this is deferred adjudication probation. That means the record of this crime could be sealed if Foulk stays clean.
That kind of break should be limited to cases like a first-offender teen who gets caught shoplifting. If you read the crime stories in our paper, you will see it doled out to all kinds of people who don’t deserve it — like Foulk.
On the plus side, Foulk will have to register as a sex offender. That’s something that fellow perv Jeffrey Klem is trying to avoid. His case is even worse as it involves guilty pleas regarding three little girls.
Foulk also will have to pay for counseling for the victim and her parent. That won’t be cheap. She also will be barred from teaching in public schools.
The plea agreement must still be OK by Judge Layne Walker. I don’t think he’s been soft on crime. In fact, he was hard as nails with Millet Harrison, going to great lengths to keep him in Rusk for disemboweling his mother in 1994.
Foulk doesn't deserve any mercy. Investigators say she tried to get several other kids drunk and molest them too. Yet they also say those cases don’t rise to criminal levels.
You have to remember that the only thing that matters in court is what can be proved with witnesses, testimony, evidence, etc. Prosecutors have a solid case with the 14-year-old girl and a guilty plea. Maybe this is the best deal they could get for someone with no other offenses.
Look at what happened with the creepy polygamist cult in West Texas. The Texas Supreme Court, wall-to-wall with conservative Republicans, said the state didn’t have enough reason to take the kids from that hell-hole.
So there it is. Foulk’s sentence is tougher than some others, but it still feels light.
If Judge Walker could stick her in the can for at least a little while, a lot of people would feel better about this case. I’d be one of them.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Foulk's fate
Thursday, May 29, 2008
A Stone's throw
So who’s dumber, bubble-headed actress Sharon Stone or the thugs who write propaganda for the Chinese communist government?
I blog, you decide.
Stone kicked off the contest when she tried to think Deep Thoughts about Tibet.
“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” she said. “And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”
Wow. Apparently, the star who peaked in “Basic Instinct” doesn’t know that Chinese communists have been trashing human rights since the day they took power.
If the Chinese Politburo was smart, which it is not, it would have ignored Sharon’s ramblings. Or released a list of her terrible movies, which is most of ’em.
Instead, the official Xinhua News Agency said she was the “public enemy of all mankind.”
Uh, gee, comrade, isn’t that a bit strong? Like a million times too strong?
Especially since Stone said she was “deeply sorry” for her remarks — even though that could imply that Tibetans were not oppressed, which indeed they are.
Yikes. The U.N. should broker a treaty here:
Communist party bosses agree to ease off in Tibet, and Stone swears never to participate in a “Basic Instinct III.”
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
L-ia
It was an innocent mistake. In fact, it happens all the time in geography class.
A Czech soccer official mixed up Latvia and Lithuania.
A Czech team was playing a Lithuanian team, but some Czech guy put the Latvian flag in the game program along with a photo of the Latvian team. Then they played the Latvian national anthem before the game.
(I believe the song is entitled, “Latvia, what a really nice country, and by the way, it is not Lithuania.”)
If you’re Latvian or Lithuanian, you are undoubtedly cheesed off at this slight. For the umpteenth time, your two countries have been confused. You’re probably wondering, “Give us a break! Does anyone ever mix up Spain and Portugal?” (Actually, sometimes I do that.)
But really, can anyone who isn’t from Latvia or Lithuania tell these two countries apart?
Both are small, obscure European nations that begin with the letter L.
Nobody famous has come from either one.
Their top three sports are soccer, soccer and soccer.
Their top three national foods are sausage, boiled cabbage and some unidentified soup.
… Both should stop griping and be thankful they aren’t Transylvania.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
And now for something completely different
Two California men recently set a new world record for hand-shaking.
Kevin Whittaker and Cory Jens locked paws for 9½ hours. That beat the previous record, held by a couple of Germans, by a half-hour.
In Germany, they’re probably thinking, “Great! First we lost World War II. And now this! Ach der lieber!”
In the states, most people are thinking two other things:
1) Gee, that’s wonderful.
2) Why?
Friday, May 23, 2008
In memoriam
This Memorial Day, and every day, remember them:
World War II 1941–1945 -- 291,557 killed in action.
American Civil War 1861–1865 -- 212,938 killed in action.
World War I 1917–1918 -- 53,402 killed in action.
Vietnam War 1964–1973 -- 47,355 killed in action.
Korean War 1950–1953 -- 33,746 killed in action.
American Revolutionary War 1775–1783 -- ~8,000 killed in action.
Iraq War 2003–present -- 3,341 killed in action (as of May 19).
War of 1812 1812–1815 -- 2,260 killed in action.
Mexican-American War 1846–1848 -- 1,733 killed in action.
Philippine War 1898–1902 -- 1,020 killed in action.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Mules/fuels
So it’s come to this.
The skyrocketing prices of gas and diesel are forcing some farmers to park their tractors.
Instead of gas-n-go, they are doing what their grandpas did. They are hitching up a team of mules and working their fields the old-fashioned way.
One farmer who has made the switch is T.R. Raymond of McMinnville, Tenn.
"This fuel’s so high, you can’t afford it," he said. "We can feed these mules cheaper than we can buy fuel. That’s the truth."
I feel for you, T.R. Farming is hard enough. Now you have to dodge fresh manure piles while working the south 40.
T.R.’s brother Raymond even said of the mules, "It’s the way of the future."
Uh, actually, Raymond, isn’t that the way of the past?
Whatever. Didn’t someone once say, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Fear of flying
I have seen the future, and it’s expensive.
Travelers are still reeling over this week’s bombshell from American Airlines.
From now, if you want to check a piece of luggage … it’ll cost you $15.
That’s right, road warriors. If you ain’t carryin’ it onboard, you’re payin’ for the privilege of stashing it in cargo.
No word yet as to how the other airlines will react, but I predict they will eagerly jump on the "no free lunch" bandwagon.
In fact, here are some other new airline fees that are being kicked around in corporate boardrooms as you read this:
-- Not having to watch in-flight movies starring Rob Schneider, $5.
-- Using the grope-free line for the pre-boarding security check, $10.
-- Being told what city you’re being diverted to if the plane has to land suddenly due to mechanical problems, $15.
-- Not having to sit between a fat man and a lady with a crying baby, $25.
-- 10 minutes of oxygen if the cabin is depressurized, $50. (That one’s not too bad, considering the alternative.)
-- Getting a pilot who didn’t get his license from a correspondence course, $75.
-- A promise that the flight attendant won’t use you as a human shield in the event of hijacking, $100.
Pretty grim, huh?
At least it won’t come to pay toilets onboard. Federal laws prevent that.
On the other hand, the FAA never said they couldn’t charge for toilet paper. By the sheet.
Happy flying.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Endings
Sometimes, it’s hard to know when to hang it up. Sometimes, the signals are loud and clear:
-----------------
U.S. Rep. Vito Fossella, the New York congressman who was recently revealed to be the father of a child from an extramarital affair, said he will not seek re-election this year.
For once, when a disgraced person says he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family, he means it.
The only question is which family.
------------------
Baseball catcher Mike Piazza says he is retiring because he felt “it is time to start a new chapter in my life.”
Good luck, Mike. But at the risk of crashing the retirement party, it should be pointed out that Piazza, well, hasn’t played since last year.
The game retired him then. Now he’s making it official.
-------------------
In New Bedford, Mass., Major Donald Lamar’s stint as a firearms safety instructor is over sooner than he expected.
You see, he was teaching a class on weapons safety when he shoved his Glock into its holster, and, well, it went off.
Luckily for Lamar, the bullet just tore through his pants, not the leg inside the pants.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sorry doctors
A new movement in health care urges doctors to apologize for mistakes instead of the old “deny and defend” method.
The theory is that if doctors or hospitals offer sincere apologies and “fair compensation,” the aggrieved party might forget about that nasty lawsuit.
That’s a good idea.
In the newspaper business, we also try to admit mistakes forthrightly if we get a fact wrong (“George Washington was the third president of the United States”) or throw somebody’s newspaper in the only puddle in their driveway (hey, don’t laugh, that’s been known to happen).
In fact, my experience in this field has motivated me to throw out a few generic apologies that doctors could use in the future, free of charge:
1) "Pat, remember when I told you last month that you had a terminal illness and would be dead soon? I understand you quit your job and gave away all your money. Well, I took a second look at the lab results, and let’s just say you now have time for a second career!"
2) "The good news is that yesterday’s amputation of your leg went well. The bad news … is we hacked off the wrong one! Don’t worry, we’ll go back and get that other sucker. … Is my face red or what!"
3) "Chris, three weeks ago we notified your spouse that you had syphilis, probably from a sleazy affair. Good news! Tell your divorce attorney that we got you mixed up with someone who has the same last name! … What are the odds!"
Hey, I’m just trying to do my part to hold down health care costs.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Gassed out
Hey, we all agree that the price of gas is getting ridiculous. But a guy in Wisconsin is going too far.
Brian LaFave is refusing to buy gas for a month — maybe longer. This Cheesehead won’t even ride with friends if they have to go out of their way to pick him up.
“I just wanted to take a stand and say, ‘I’m not gonna pay this much money for gas,’ ” he said.
Suit yourself, Bri. You can walk or ride your bike as you have pledged, but it ain’t gonna help.
A month from now, when you want to gas up your pickup, you’ll probably be paying even more.
Three predictions:
1) We will look back on the current rate of $3.60 per gallon gas as “the good ol’ days.”
2) We will probably see $5 per gallon gas this year or next.
3) When that happens, we will all grumble and cuss like hell about it. But in the end … we will park alongside the pump every few days, pay up and drive off.
... On the bright side, pretty soon you'll be able to get a real nice deal on that Hummer you’ve been lusting after for a long time.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Big Brown bucks
It was inevitable. The horse that won the Kentucky Derby was named Big Brown — after UPS, the delivery service with big brown trucks.
So now UPS, capitalizing on the unexpected publicity, has made a sponsorship deal with Big Brown’s owner, Paul Pompa Jr.
According to the Associated Press:
“The marketing coup has already won big media exposure and brand recognition for the original Big Brown — a rare opportunity the company candidly concedes galloped straight into its lap.”
Big Brown’s jockey, Kent Desormeaux, even had a UPS logo on his pants during the Derby.
It is a feel-good story, especially since the No. 2 finisher in the Derby, Eight Belles, had to be put down after breaking both front legs.
In fact, it made me so happy that I’ve come up with a few slogans for the new partnership:
1) "Our trucks don’t move as fast as Big Brown the horse, but they get there eventually!"
2) "What can Brown do for you? Anything but lower your shipping bills."
3) "If it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, don’t send it by horseback!"
4) "What’s big and brown and read all over? A shipping bill from UPS."
5) "Big Brown — it’s more than just that smelly pile on the stable floor!"
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Crazy ants!
Let’s see if I have this right:
Gas, food and inflation are in a friendly competition to see which one get soar higher.
Iran is about to get nuclear bombs. “Speed Racer” is at the movies.
Could life possibly get worse?
Well, if you live near Houston, like we do … yes it can!
You see, a new foreign species of pest is about to overrun us. I am talking about “crazy rasberry ants.”
These little darlings wander around crazily — hence the nickname — instead of marching in orderly lines like other ants.
They like to bite people — naturally! And they like to gnaw on electrical equipment too! Great! And they are resistant to commercial ant-killers! Double-great!
Their colonies have multiple queens, so you can’t just kill one of ’em and get the rest. And if you do manage to kill a few, the Associated Press says, “They pile up the dead, sometimes using them as a bridge to cross safely over surfaces treated with pesticide.” Aaaggghhh!
“(They are) like lava flowing and filling an entire area, getting bigger and bigger,” said Ron Harrison of Orkin. Whoopee!
There is one tiny ray of hope in this doomsday scenario: They like to eat fire ants.
If we can figure out a way to pit them against each other, we might have a chance.
If not, well, your last moments will probably be a futile struggle against thousands of them as they drag you down to their subterranean lair while you scream and thrash helplessly, begging for mercy that will not come.
Sweet dreams.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Godspeed, Kevin
I have never been so happy to hear that a pro athlete has been released. Well, not since the Giants cut loose Barry “Balco” Bonds last year.
The Buffalo Bills have told Kevin Everett that he will no longer be a member of their team. This, of course, is not a reason for anyone to be sad.
The Bills cut Kevin so he will be eligible to receive full disability benefits for the spinal cord injury that ended his career.
Kevin knew months ago that he would never again play the game he loved — at any level, much less the elite ranks of the NFL.
Normally, that’s a heartbreaker for a young athlete. For Kevin, knowing that he would not be lying down the rest of his life, it was OK.
Kevin’s story was a real miracle. He still might have been paralyzed if a gutsy and innovative doctor hadn’t ordered the injection of a cold saline solution to cool down his body and prevent swelling.
All things considered, he came out OK. May he enjoy a long — and vertical — life.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Bullet Brain's bargain
“Bullet Brain” must be smarter than he looks. Or awfully lucky.
How else do you explain the deal he finagled on Monday?
Joshua “Bullet Brain” Bush was facing trial for six felonies. He pleaded guilty to two of ’em (surprise!) and got the other four dismissed. And his time behind bars has been capped at 10 years.
Maybe something like 10 years is what he would have ended up with anyway. If so, I guess his plea deal saved taxpayers some money.
We’ll know on June 13. That’s when he’s sentenced.
Still unresolved is the status of the slug in his skull.
“Bullet Brain,” of course, insists that it did not come from the attempted robbery of a car lot in Port Arthur.
I doubt it, but that may be irrelevant.
Assuming the slug is made of lead, and knowing that lead is a poisonous substance, it doesn’t seem that “Bullet Brain” has many options.
He can leave the round in his crown, and risk lead poisoning.
Or he can let prison docs yank it out. Then ballistics tests might prove what police said about it all along.
Whatever. I think this is one of those problems that will take care of itself.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Ju$tice
— F. Scott Fitzgerald
Scottie, you said a mouthful there.
Rich people don’t operate like jes’ plain folks. That’s even true when it comes to the law, where everybody is supposed to be equal under the eyes of.
You remember what happened to Robert Blake and Phil Spector, don’t you?
Now you can add wealthy R&B singer R. Kelly to the list.
He’s been charged with an icky crime — having sex with a 13-year-old girl.
In fact, the dumb ass videotaped the encounter, and police got hold of the evidence.
I’m no F. Lee Bailey, but I’m thinking an orange jumpsuit is in R. Kelly’s future.
So far, however, his money has allowed him to purchase the services of some skillful lawyers, who have allowed him to dodge that unpleasant possibility.
His case did finally come to trial this week — six incredibly long years later.
That’s right, folks. When he was indicted back on June 5, 2002, Saddam Hussein was still in power. Barack Obama was an obscure Illinois state senator.
How long do you think you could delay your trial if you were charged with a crime like that? I’m guessing six days at most.
Yes, a lot of water has gone under the bridge in the last half-decade-plus-a-year. All the time, R. Kelly has been living the high life instead of eating cold baloney sandwiches and talking to visitors on a telephone through a thick plate of glass.
I hope that justice delayed here is not justice denied.
If the jury foreman does deliver the magic words — “Your honor, we find the defendant guilty on all counts” — I hope R. Kelly spends at least the next six years eating cold baloney sandwiches and talking to visitors on a telephone through a thick plate of glass.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Flight plan
Let’s pretend you are a member of a highly trained flight crew on a 767.
Like the crew handling an Americans Airline flight on April 20 from Dallas to Paris.
Shortly after take-off, a problem occurs. A BIG problem:
According to a flight attendant’s e-mail, “There was a loud shaking noise from the belly of the plane ... sounded like an explosion, or very large landing gear being ripped.”
According to the Associated Press, a spokesman for the airline confirmed that although “the crew was aware something had occurred, they were not sure what happened.”
If you were a member of this highly trained flight crew, in view of these ominous developments, would you:
A) Turn the plane around immediately and head for the nearest runway? or
B) Head out across the Atlantic Ocean on a nine-hour flight?
Now, I’m not a member of a highly trained flight crew, but if I’m on a plane that has just been shaken by a mysterious explosion … I WANNA BE ON THE GROUND A.S.A.P.
I do not want to soar out over an ocean WHERE THERE ARE NO RUNWAYS.
As you have guessed by now, the flight crew chose B) and headed for Gay Paree. They had a schedule to keep, after all.
Thank God they got there in one piece. The mini-explosion turned out to be from a panel covering an air conditioner that blew off.
That's nice, but they are lucky. This is no way to run a railroad, or an airline.
When a pilot hears and feels “a loud shaking noise from the belly of the plane,” that's a signal to get on the intercom and say, “Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to announce that we will be returning to Dallas for, uh, some unscheduled maintenance.”
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Down but not out
The head lawyer with the Major League Baseball players union “has expressed concern” to the commissioner over the puzzling refusal of any team to sign Barry Bonds.
He wonders if the owners are engaging in collusion. That’s when the owners secretly agree not to sign someone. And of course that’s illegal under the contract between players and owners.
Maybe the union feels like it has to go through the motions here on behalf of Barry. But this is not a mystery.
BALCO Barry was cut loose by the Giants at the end of last season. He became, sort of, the biggest free agent on the market, and I'm not just talking head size.
Yet no team called over the off-season. Since the season has begun, no team has called either.
The reason is not collusion. It’s because BARRY BONDS IS AN OBNOXIOUS JERK!
Despite his ability to hit lots of home runs, he is a selfish, crude, arrogant clubhouse cancer. When you Google “more trouble than he is worth,” you get a jillion hits for “Barry Bonds.”
This is why no team has signed him. And I admit to cackling with glee over the thought of him moping around his mansion, spewing curses, breaking things and waiting vainly for the phone to ring.
But my glee is tempered. I know it won’t last.
About mid-season or so, some team will get desperate. Or maybe a slugger will go down with an injury.
And the manager will say, “Jeez, let’s go ahead and sign Barry. Maybe it will work out. … It’s just for a half-year!”
It’s going to happen, so brace yourselves. All we can hope is that Barry’s new team doesn’t win the World Series.
That would be too, too much to bear.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Wine woes
“It has an intriguing bouquet with a playful, flirty appeal that casually invites you to … AAAAGGGH, ACTUALY IT TASTES LIKE CRAP!”
A restaurant in New Zealand accidentally served dishwashing liquid as mulled wine. Two customers were hospitalized.
One of the women says she suffered burns and possible scaring of her throat and esophagus from the chemical mix.
I guess this is one of those blunders where the restaurant manager can’t just say, “Hey, sorry about that. My bad!”
Monday, May 05, 2008
Shoveling manure
Further proof that we live in an age when accidents can’t just be accidents:
The animal-rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has called for the jockey riding Eight Belles in the Kentucky Derby to be suspended.
Why? Well, the filly broke two ankles and had to be euthanized. And PETA is looking for someone to blame.
PETA says jockey Gabriel Saez should have sensed the filly was in trouble or that the accident was about to happen and pulled up instead of applying the whip.
PETA is, of course, full of horse crap on this.
Saez didn’t pull up the horse because he’s a jockey, not a futurist. He didn’t know the horse was about to have a tragic injury.
And — this is the key point, for anyone who cares about facts — Eight Belles was not acting unusual. She was behaving like a thoroughbred that likes to run.
And — this is the second key point — the accident didn’t occur during the race. The horse was galloping out a full quarter-mile past the finish line.
In other words, it was an unforeseen event commonly referred to as an accident.
I know that with humans, usually an accident can’t just be an accident. Someone has to be blamed or sued, or both.
At least we ought to agree that when an animal has an accident, we’ll call it an accident, and we won’t blame or sue anyone.
There’s enough real animal cruelty in this world. PETA ought to fight that.
Racehorses that run in the Derby are extremely valuable and pampered accordingly.
Sometimes they break a leg and have to be put down.
It’s sad. It’s also called “an accident.”
Friday, May 02, 2008
Paula Abdul forever
It had to be the most obvious rhetorical question in the history of show business:
"Why would we get rid of Paula?" asked the executive producer of "American Idol" in a recent interview.
Indeed, why?
The question was floated, sort of, after Paula Abdul’s latest on-air meltdown.
(Someone ought to create a full list of her on-air meltdowns and continuously update it. It would be hilarious. Do you remember that teary breakdown she had a while back when she had a stupid problem in her stupid life and was wailing something like, “How can there be a God and let this happen to me?” I swear I almost broke a rib laughing.)
Paula made a fool of herself again when she became painfully confused about what she was doing. Specifically, she critiqued two songs from Jason Castro when he’d sung only one.
It caused a bit of flurry, naturally. Which is precisely why the executive producer of “Idol” will never dump Paula.
She is money in the bank.
Her silly comments, massive ego, tearful outbursts and frequent bouts with pills or booze (or both) are incredibly entertaining.
Pathetic, really, but entertaining too in a morbid sort of way.
Yes, the ratings for “Idol” have dipped a bit. But they are still solid and couldn’t stay in the stratosphere forever.
And they’re not dropping because of Paula. You don’t want to watch normal people on “Idol.” Well, maybe a few. But the human train wrecks are much more interesting.
Don’t worry, Paula. Your job as a “judge,” of all things, is safe.
The rest of your life is a joke, of course.
But you will be sitting in that seat with an insipid grin on your face for the last “Idol” show, whenever that is.
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