An elementary school in Colorado Springs, Colo., has banned tag.
Seems that some kids at Discovery Canyon Campus school complained that they were being chased against their will on the playground.
My, my. We certainly can’t have that, now can we?
Assistant principal Cindy Fesgen said tag “causes a lot of conflict on the playground.”
Apparently, assistant principal Cindy Fesgen doesn’t realize that when these kids grow up, they will encounter other kinds of conflict, such as traffic jams, restaurants with poor service and sports teams that lose even though you root fervently for them.
Fortunately, the folks who run Discovery Canyon Campus school haven’t turned the entire operation into a Wimp Factory. For example, running games are still allowed on the playground … as long as the kiddos don’t chase each other!
I don’t know about you, but my confidence in America’s future has just headed south. Let us all hope that some good news somewhere will provide an uptick.
If it does, I’ll blog about it.
Until then, we trust that the lads and lassies and Discovery Canyon Campus school continue to enjoy conflict-free recreational opportunities in an ecologically friendly setting that encourages mutually supportive and affirmative interactions.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Further proof that times really have changed, and not for the better
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Danger? What danger? Oh, you mean that danger.
Jim Woolford, a police major in Pontiac, Ill., must be an optimistic guy. Heck, I bet when he wakes up in the morning, he thinks he might win the lottery or discover gold in the back yard.
How else could you explain his statement Tuesday, after six guns were sized from the local high school and three people were arrested:
“At no time was any child in danger.”
Uh, Jim, not to split hairs or anything, but any time six — count ’em, six! — guns are found in a school, I’m thinking we've got a problem. In fact, I’m thinking it’s the kind of problem that, well, puts a child in danger.
In fact, Woolford himself also said, “Early this morning we received information ... that there may be weapons at the high school and it was indicated that there were threats the weapons could be used.”
The situation was so dire that the school was locked down. As in nobody goes in or out until the cops knew what they were dealing with.
Again, all that brings the ol’ D word — danger — right back into play.
Fortunately, no one was hurt at the school.
But if I’m a parent, and I learn that my kid is in a school with a mini-arsenal, I believe I will go ahead and skip all the interim steps and proceed immediately to worry … about danger.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Thank God for small favors, No. 3,749
A judge in Los Angeles has extended his restraining order preventing a Texas doctor from selling a 1994 videotape that shows the breast enlargement surgery of Anna Nicole Smith.
Friday, August 24, 2007
The inconvenienced astro-nut
Reason No. 67 as to why you might not want to break the law:
You might have to wear an ankle bracelet if you’re released on bond, and it’s a real pain in the, uh, ankle.
Literally. And don’t take my word for it, ’cause I’ve never been busted. Go directly to a very good source — former astronaut Lisa Nowak.
On Friday, Nowak asked a Florida judge to let her give back the electronic monitoring ankle bracelet so graciously loaned to her by the Orlando, Fla., probation folks.
This piece of judicial jewelry helps police keep track of where Nowak is, and where she shouldn’t be — like trying to eliminate the third party in a love triangle, which of course led to her current predicament and put the “former” in former astronaut.
Anyhoo, Nowak says the bracelet is no day at the beach. She claims she can’t wear it in public places because she is embarrassed that it might go off. Can’t get it wet. Says it’s bulky and uncomfortable. Interferes with her military boots. (She’s still a Navy pilot, though I personally wouldn’t let her take up a fighter loaded with surface-to-air missiles for a little spin around the Eastern Time Zone. But that’s just me.)
On top of everything, Nowak says the darned thing costs too much. She has to pay Orlando authorities weekly rent of $105. (Can’t they work out a monthly rate?) And she has to change the batteries every 12-15 hours. That schedule would make even the Energizer Bunny tired.
Whatever. Circuit Court Judge Marc L. Lubet will digest all this and make a Solomon-like decision soon.
Maybe he should ask the former astronaut this: “Lisa, darling, would you like to continue wearing this unpleasant little device … or get thrown back in the slammer until your trial?”
If the former astronaut had those choices, she might figure out that the ankle ornament isn’t that bad after all.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Michael Vick clears the record
ATLANTA — In view of, er, certain legal developments, the Public Relations Department at Bad Newz Kennels would like to issue the following clarifications regarding comments by and about our beloved CEO, Michael Vick, and those unfortunate charges of dogfighting:
In July, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told SI.com that Mr. Vick said to him, “His comments to me were very consistent with what he said publicly: That he does not have any involvement in dogfighting, that he loves dogs, that he would not have any interest in that, that it wasn’t happening at his property. … ”
What Mr. Vick actually meant to tell the commissioner was that he did not have any involvement in dogfighting “except for the times when he was deeply and enthusiastically involved in dogfighting.”
Also, instead of saying “he loves dogs,” Mr. Vick meant to say “he loves dogs when they are disemboweling one another in a really good fight.”
Mr. Vick regrets if the commissioner misunderstood him on these points.
Also, in an interview with radio station WVEE-FM in July, Mr. Vick said, “I’ve learned a lot through this situation. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel."
What Mr. Vick really meant to say was that he has learned a lot about masterminding criminal enterprises. For example, he now knows it's a real good idea to maintain six degrees of separation between him and any thugs on the lower end.
Also, Mr. Vick now believes that the “light at the end of the tunnel” will be visible in three to five years, depending on time off for good behavior.
Finally, on the day he was indicted, Mr. Vick said “I look forward to clearing my good name. …”
What Mr. Vick actually meant was that he looked forward to clearing his cell of his personal belongings on the day when he is released from prison.
Mr. Vick also wishes to announce a clearance sale on his stock of No. 7 jerseys and his bobblehead figurines. And due to popular demand, “Free Michael!” bumper stickers are now available.
Finally, Mr. Vick is asking his fans to stop calling his telephone number and leaving a recording of “Who Let The Dogs Out?” Or asking him how it feels “to be hounded” by these charges. Or asking whether he will be doing any more personal appearances with McGruff The Crime Dog.
Mr. Vick says those things are not funny any more.
Further inquiries to Mr. Vick may be directed to the Federal Bureau of Prisons.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Dean, Dean go away!
I hate it. I hate the whole drama of:
1) Is it going to hit us?
2) Should I stay or go?
3) If I stay, will I have power or water?
4) If I go, where will I go?
And on and on.
Hurricanes are lousy. We all knew that in general before Rita — and maybe other storms, depending on your age/history. Now it’s personal.
The only good thing you can say about hurricanes is that within a day or so, you know they’re coming. I guess earthquakes and volcanoes are worse.
Still, hurricanes stink.
Dean needs to keep bearing west and make landfall where there’s lots of sand and not many people.
I’m praying for it. We got hit once. That should be enough for any person, place or thing.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Suing the I-man
If Kia Vaughn is as concerned about her reputation as she claims, she will drop her silly lawsuit against Don Imus.
Vaughn is a member of the Rutgers University women’s basketball team, the group notoriously maligned by Imus as “nappy headed ho’s.”
That was of course, a stupid and nasty comment. Imus was properly fired for that slur — though like Marv Albert and many other “disgraced” broadcasters, his time on the bench was not long. Already the “I-man” is plotting his comeback.
(Does the “I” stand for “idiot” there? It should.)
Anyhow, Vaughn has filed a defamation of character lawsuit against Imus. Says Imus and his buddies damaged her reputation.
As her lawyer put it, "This is about Kia Vaughn’s good name. She would do anything to return to her life as a student and respected basketball player — a more simple life before Imus opened his mouth."
Now I’m not an attorney, but I see a few problems here about the size of Mount Everest:
Namely, who on this planet thinks less of Vaughn because of what some moronic shock-jock said?
For that matter, who outside of her family and friends knew she was one of the gals insulted by Imus?
And why have no other Rutgers players filed similar lawsuits?
If Vaughn wants to show that clown and the rest of the world that she is the classy lady she claims to be, she will forget Imus and go on to lead a terrific life.
In trying to squeeze some money out of a deep pocket on flimsy grounds, Vaughn is harming her reputation more than Imus could.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Vick is sacked -- for good
The game is over for Michael Vick, and I ain’t talking about football.
Vick’s two remaining co-defendants have scheduled hearings this week to enter plea agreements.
In plain English, that means that these two, uh, gentlemen also have blindsided the Falcons QB.
They are about to plead guilty and start singing like canaries. The other co-defendant copped a plea before the ink was dry on the indictment.
This leaves little ol’ No. 7 standing out there all by himself, still pretending that the charges about an interstate dog fighting ring are a big misunderstanding.
Unless you believe in the Tooth Fairy, or think that Barry Bonds didn’t take steroids, you have to know what this means.
Michael Vick is going to prison.
His chances of beating this rap have just gone from slim to almost none.
Even if he keeps fighting -- and spending money on lawyers -- he will go to trial with ALL THREE of his co-defendants taking the stand to say, yes, everything the prosecutor says is true.
Unless Vick can get a jury made up of his relatives or teammates, he’s done.
In fact, he is so done that his only recourse is to plead guilty too.
If he’s lucky, he’ll get a year or 18 months. And he might play football again in the NFL.
If he wants to roll the dice and hope for acquittal, he’s dreaming.
He faces up to six years right now — and this is the federal system, with no parole. Oh, did I mention that state charges could follow?
It’s time to punt, Michael.
Look on the bright side: You have just made yourself a lot more marketable for the third version of that prison-football flick “The Longest Yard.”
Friday, August 10, 2007
Nagin strikes again
To: New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin
From: Me
Re: That sensitivity thing
Your honor, I think we have a slight problem — again.
Yesterday you were quoted as saying that the city’s continuing problems with crime and murders were “not good for us, but it also keeps the New Orleans brand out there. … ”
Then, apparently channeling the spirit of the Charles Bronson character in “Death Wish,” you said about some of the murder victims, “Some of these guys are so violent that it is hard for witnesses to come forward. … So it is unfortunate that they had to die, but it did kind of end the cycle that we were struggling with.”
Uh, Mr. Mayor — may I call you Ray? — I’m not sure you’re aiding the rebirth of the Crescent City as much as you could.
In fact, by my rough tally, you’re hurtin’ about as much as you are helpin’.
And seeing as you will be in office until 2010 — Lord, that seems like a long time away — you might want to try a different strategy.
Like shutting up. And doing something constructive for a change.
Just a thought.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Thank God for small favors, No. 3,748
A judge in Los Angeles has issued a temporary restraining order to prevent a Texas doctor from selling a 1994 videotape that shows the breast enlargement surgery of Anna Nicole Smith.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Packing it in
Adam “Pacman” Jones has found something to do while he is suspended from the NFL.
As you may recall, the talented but troubled cornerback for the Tennessee Titans has been arrested five times and been involved in 11 police investigations since he was drafted in April 2005.
That is a record for any NFL player who isn’t a Cincinnati Bengal. The latest incident, and it is hard to keep track of them, involves felony charges following a shooting at a Las Vegas strip club that left a bouncer paralyzed.
Anyhow, back to Pacman’s latest passion. He wants to become a professional wrestler, with Total Nonstop Action.
Reluctant as we all are to questions a guy’s career choice, this one seems shaky.
Pro wrestlers are big, beefy guys who slam each other around the ring. Sometimes out of it.
Pacman is listed at 5’10” and 187 pounds. That’s not small by average standards. By wrestling standards, it is.
If you’re a football player who needs to stay healthy, pro wrestling seems like a good way to become a former football player.
If Pacman goes ahead and climbs into the ring with these hulks, he is going to need a new nickname. Some thoughts:
1) Squished-Flat Man.
2) Smacked Man.
3) Piñata Man.
4) What Were You Thinking, Man?
5) The Guy Who Used To Be An NFL Cornerback But Blew It Because He Is Incredibly Stupid and Self-Destructive.
Friday, August 03, 2007
17 is enough; actually, it's too much
A big family is one thing. A small town is another. I think Jim Bob and Michelle Duggars in Arkansas should retire from the baby business.
You see, they just had their 17th child.
Mom said, “We’d love to have more. We love the ruffles and lace.” Why not? the couple has “only” seven girls as compared to 10 boys. They range in age from 19 to 2, not counting the newest infant.
“We are just so grateful to God for another gift from Him,” said Daddy Duggar. That’s nice, Jim Bob. Why don’t you start counting (and enjoying) those blessings — and stop creating more of them?
By the way, don’t you just love that name, Jim Bob? And the name of the little burg they live in, Tontitown?
Their Web site proudly quotes Psalm 127:3, “Children are a heritage of the Lord.”
They are indeed, Jim Bob. You’ve had your share, and then some.
There are some warning signs to let you know when you have too many children. I think No. 17 is, “You are your own zip code.”
Thursday, August 02, 2007
7 on 7
Michael Vick is still maintaining his innocence regarding the dogfighting charges filed against him in federal court.
No problem. One of the great things about our country is that a defendant is presumed innocent until a judge or jury says otherwise.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, one of Vick’s three co-defendants has taken a different approach to the charges hanging over him.
He has pleaded guilty and agreed to cooperate with prosecutors.
This development in the case makes seven things more likely for No. 7:
1) His chances of going to prison have increased about seven-fold.
2) The odds against him playing again in the NFL have jumped to 7-1.
3) Seven doesn’t seem like a lucky number anymore.
4) If another co-defendant also flips for prosecutors, his chances of going to prison will increase about seventy-fold.
5) His legal bills are likely to end up in seven figures.
6) The number of people with IQs larger than their shoe size who sincerely believe this whole thing is a giant mix-up has dwindled to seven.
7) Instead of being known as No. 7, he is more likely to be known as No. 73186.
Good luck, Michael. You are going to need it.
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