Michael Vick clears the record

ATLANTA — In view of, er, certain legal developments, the Public Relations Department at Bad Newz Kennels would like to issue the following clarifications regarding comments by and about our beloved CEO, Michael Vick, and those unfortunate charges of dogfighting:

In July, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told SI.com that Mr. Vick said to him, “His comments to me were very consistent with what he said publicly: That he does not have any involvement in dogfighting, that he loves dogs, that he would not have any interest in that, that it wasn’t happening at his property. … ”

What Mr. Vick actually meant to tell the commissioner was that he did not have any involvement in dogfighting “except for the times when he was deeply and enthusiastically involved in dogfighting.”

Also, instead of saying “he loves dogs,” Mr. Vick meant to say “he loves dogs when they are disemboweling one another in a really good fight.”

Mr. Vick regrets if the commissioner misunderstood him on these points.

Also, in an interview with radio station WVEE-FM in July, Mr. Vick said, “I’ve learned a lot through this situation. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel."

What Mr. Vick really meant to say was that he has learned a lot about masterminding criminal enterprises. For example, he now knows it's a real good idea to maintain six degrees of separation between him and any thugs on the lower end.

Also, Mr. Vick now believes that the “light at the end of the tunnel” will be visible in three to five years, depending on time off for good behavior.

Finally, on the day he was indicted, Mr. Vick said “I look forward to clearing my good name. …”

What Mr. Vick actually meant was that he looked forward to clearing his cell of his personal belongings on the day when he is released from prison.

Mr. Vick also wishes to announce a clearance sale on his stock of No. 7 jerseys and his bobblehead figurines. And due to popular demand, “Free Michael!” bumper stickers are now available.

Finally, Mr. Vick is asking his fans to stop calling his telephone number and leaving a recording of “Who Let The Dogs Out?” Or asking him how it feels “to be hounded” by these charges. Or asking whether he will be doing any more personal appearances with McGruff The Crime Dog.

Mr. Vick says those things are not funny any more.

Further inquiries to Mr. Vick may be directed to the Federal Bureau of Prisons.