As July Fourth approaches, what are some differences between England and her former colony? Well, here’s one:
A New Mexico appeals court ruled against a moron who wanted to change his name to “F*** Censorship.”
The plaintiff is a real piece of work. His current legal name is “Variable.” Before that it was “Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon.” Aren’t you glad he didn’t marry your sister?
The judges could have told “Variable” to “f*** off,” but that would have been sinking to his level. Instead, they said the proposed name change was “obscene, offensive and would not comport with common decency.”
Speaking of “f*** off,” a schoolboy across the pond put that expression on an exam paper.
Was he sent to the principal’s office? Was he expelled?
Not really. His sappy teacher gave him 2 points of credit for the obscenity, “because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for, like conveying some meaning and some spelling.”
In fact, if the punk had punctuated his insult, he would received more credit.
The teacher’s lame explanation for coddling the curser was, “It’s better than someone that doesn’t write anything at all.”
Uh, actually, no, since the exam question was, “Describe the room you are sitting in.”
If the teacher wanted to speak to the brat in language he could understand, he could have replied, “Congratulations, dumb***. You just screwed yourself out of a passing grade.”
Monday, June 30, 2008
Cussin' cousins
Friday, June 27, 2008
More Internet wisdom
This came over the ’Net the other day; it’s better than the usual spam:
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go!
“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
“They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
“Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.
“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Squeezing the Juice
O.J. Simpson doesn’t get it.
He said about his latest legal problems, “If I was anybody else, I wouldn’t be going to court.”
Uh, Juice, if you were anybody else ... unable to afford a squad of high-priced lawyers ... you’d be in prison for murdering your ex-wife and her friend.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Everything is just fine!
Politicians aren’t the only source of doubletalk in America.
Take sports, for instance.
Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz has been out of the lineup since May 31. For the doctors out there, he tore the tendon sheath in his left wrist. (I hate it when that happens!)
Anyway, Big Papi is a big part of the Red Sox offense. His team naturally wanted him back ASAP, and there was some hope he could rejoin the club soon.
Well, not anymore.
He took some “soft swings” off a batting tee, and he’s still weeks away from taking full-power swings. Even then, he’ll need a rehab stint in the minors before he can come back to the club.
Bad news, eh? Not according to Ortiz. He said the swing results were “not a setback.”
Uh, gee, Dave, what would be “a setback” if that isn’t one?
Whatever. As long as the Bosox don’t sign The One Whose Name Should Not Be Mentioned to replace Ortiz as DH, life will go on in Beantown.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Don Imus and Punkman Jones
If you’re like me, you're outraged at the latest insensitive remark from shock-jock Don Imus.
No, not the charges that Imus made another racist comment about NFL cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones.
What ticked me off what the nonsense Imus uttered in trying to defend himself:
“I mean, there’s no reason to arrest this kid six times," Imus said about Pacman. "Maybe he did something once, but everyone does something once.”
Clang! What planet does Imus live on?
There were very good reasons “to arrest this kid six times.” He’s a punk. He's a felony waiting to happen. Hell, he probably should have been arrested 60 times.
Check out Pacman’s rap sheet on Bumpshack.com. It’s too long to list here.
Pacman is not a victim of anything but his own stupidity.
As this site put it so well, “Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones is the poster child for everything that is wrong with the NFL. NFL teams continue to draft thugs and convicts without regarding for their moral character or criminal record.”
Take that, I-man.
And once again, isn’t it a shame that a franchise that once had such upright stars as Roger Staubach and Emmitt Smith has taken to gleefully signing misfits like Terrell Owens, Tank Johnson and now Pacman Jones?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Back to the future
How bad is this darned gas crisis?
Try this: Kids in suburban Washington, D.C., may have to actually walk to school!
No, that is not a typo. The Montgomery County school district is estimating that its diesel costs will double next year, to nearly $8 million.
So instead of picking up all the kiddos, the tyrants on the school board are going to force the ones who live close to school to … walk!
You know, like putting one foot in front of the other and stepping!
Good Lord; what would their grandparents think?
Friday, June 20, 2008
Nailing Naomi
Thank God Naomi Campbell didn’t get hard time.
The poor woman already suffers enough, being cursed to go through life as a millionaire model. Putting her in jail for that little “air rage” incident would be, like, totally unfair.
I mean, she only kicked and spat at two cops, spewed curses at flight attendants and demanded that the pilot of the plane delay the flight to look for her missing bag.
Don’t they know who she is!!!
Fortunately, Naomi only had to pay a silly fine and do 200 hours of community service. If there’s any justice in England, that stint could be something like advising aspiring models on the best shade of lipstick to match their nail polish.
Her spokesman (apparently one who hasn’t been cuffed around yet) said outside the court that Naomi looked forward to telling her side of the story.
Indeed, why won’t “they” let Naomi explain this stupid misunderstanding?
Poor, poor Naomi. The next time you read about a crime victim or someone with a terrible disease, remember that she has it a lot worse.
All she wants is to be treated like a goddess by idiots who should realize how lucky they are to be in her presence! Really, is that asking too much?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Help is on the way -- eventually
Even for the government, this has to set some kind of record.
$85 million in supplies intended for victims of hurricanes Rita and Katrina are finally being distributed in Louisiana — 2½ years after the storms.
Why the delay? Simple; the feds lost them.
That’s right, taxpayers. The linens, pots, pans and other items got stuck in a Fort Worth warehouse, where they were forgotten for two years. They’d probably still be there, but the building’s owner wanted to demolish it.
He asked the feds to take back their stuff, but in March FEMA decided the goods were surplus. FEMA then tried to give them to the Louisiana Recovery Authority, which is probably where they should have gone in the first place.
And just to show that state government can be just as incompetent as the federal government, the Louisiana Recovery Authority initially said thanks, but no thanks.
“We were not notified that these were Katrina-Rita supplies,” said Paul Rainwater, head of the LRA.
To make a long story short, the stuff is finally being distributed to a New Orleans nonprofit agency, which will give it to people made homeless by Katrina.
… Something to think about the next time someone clamors for the government to take over new responsibilities like health care.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Judge, jury and executioner
Some time in the next few days, a minister is going to give a eulogy for Cameron Sands somewhere near Dallas.
If I were a man of the cloth and were called on for this assignment, it would go something like this:
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Cameron Sands, just 19 years old.
“As you all know, Cameron died early Tuesday morning while trying to pull a stickup in Grand Prairie.
“He kicked down the door of a house but as he was entering it, he shot himself in the stomach when he tried to pull his pistol out of his waist band.
“He staggered a few feet and died in the driveway.
“ … He sure saved taxpayers a lot of time and money.
"Thanks for coming and have a safe drive home.”
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Deep thoughts
It’s official. A guy named Craig Allen of West Linn, Ore., is the smartest guy in America.
Or to put that another way, he won the Great American Think-Off. That riveting competition was held this week in New York Mills, Minn.
It is described as “a national philosophy competition that gives ordinary people the chance to debate some of life’s perplexing questions.”
Allen raked in the gold medal for churning out the best answer to this year’s question, “Does immigration strengthen or threaten the United States?”
That question is questionable. I mean, immigration is important and all that, but couldn’t America’s greatest minds tackle something harder? Like:
1) Why is this national competition held in a farming town of 1,200 people 170 miles northwest of Minneapolis. (Was Ottumwa, Iowa, booked up?)
2) What does the title to the new James Bond movie mean?
3) Why has a Bush or a Clinton been involved in every presidential election since 1980?
4) Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
5) Why is a great pitcher like Roy Oswalt only 5-7 this year?
6) Who will be surprised when Amy Winehouse ODs?
7) How much longer will I have to wait for the sequel to “Forrest Gump”?
8) Why does pepper improve the flavor of almost anything?
9) Why are most lotteries won by retirees?
10) What will be more valuable in five years, 100 shares of Google or 100 shares of ExxonMobil?
There you have it, America. Put on your thinking caps. Just don’t tie ’em too tight.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Tattooed out
There are some things you’d love to be involved with personally. For example, watching a Super Bowl (in the stadium, not on TV) or seeing a presidential candidate in your town (again, in person, not on the idiot box).
Then there are some things you might not want to be part of. For example, being one of the 415 people tattooed in a 24-hour period by a tattoo artist who wants to set the world record for laying down the most ink in a day.
That’s what Oliver Peck did last week in Dallas.
He called the experience “an adrenaline rush.”
Some of the people who apparently will do anything to be involved in a world record agree. Then again, in future years some of those folks will call their tattoo “the biggest mistake I ever made.”
All of the tattoos, incidentally, were of the number 13. And this was done on Friday the 13th.
Isn’t that mega-unlucky? And can the average tattoo artist spell “triskaidekaphobia?”
Friday, June 13, 2008
Bullet Brain is back!
Bullet Brain is pushing his luck.
BB, legally known as Joshua Bush, continues to function as a chunk of gravel in the gears of justice.
First he agreed to surgery to remove the slug in his skull, and then he took it back.
Next he accepted a plea bargain for the laundry list of charges facing him, and then he took it back.
So now he’s apparently going to go to trial on the six felonies. Unless he changes his mind again, of course.
Sigh. We shall see how the system shakes this out.
I think he needs to hope he has an awfully good lawyer. Or draws an awfully sympathetic jury. Or both.
Then again, if Lead Head gets convicted, he can ask for an early release … because he has a bullet by his brain!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Gassed out
You know the energy crisis is bad when … ExxonMobil is selling off its neighborhood gas stations!
That’s right, fellow gas addicts. The most profitable corporation in the world ($40 billion last year) is unloading its 2,200 retail outlets.
“We are in a very, very challenging market. Margins are reduced,” a spokesman said. “We feel the best way for us to grow and compete is through our distributor network.”
In plain English -- a language rarely spoken by corporate spokesmen -- that means ExxonMobil’s service stations have not been able to pass along higher costs to customers. So over the side they go.
Yikes! What’s next, the chairman of ExxonMobil riding a bicycle to work because he can’t afford to fill his tank?
... Does anyone know a nice Amish couple who could sell me a horse and buggy?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Get a life
Talk about suffering for your art.
Mexican artist Filemon Trevino went through a lot to produce the world’s longest drawing. (A quarter-mile, it is!)
He neglected food, sleep and water over the 6,000 hours it took him to finish it. He grew a beard, and lost 35 pounds. He was even hospitalized seven times for dehydration, heart and kidney problems, all from hours and hours of scribbling in a stuffy room.
Went through 800 pencils, too. (Hope he was buying them in bulk.)
The drawing, by the way, is “a representation of the heart and circulatory system, with symbols including doves, geometric shapes and hundreds of yards of intertwined tubes.”
Gee, I can’t wait to see it.
But there’s drama in this drawing.
The artwork, which consumed his life for over a year, could not compete for a world record. First, someone had to display it and pay the $600 fee for the Guinness Book of World Records.
Luckily for Filemon, his masterpiece was displayed at Regiomontana University. Later, the Guinness guys declared it to be a world record.
Filemon must be relieved.
Otherwise, he might suspect that THE WHOLE THING WAS A GIGANTIC WASTE OF TIME.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Benson busted
Cedric the Entertainer is a funny, talented guy.
He is not to be confused with Cedric the Football Player. He is an idiot, or at least he is acting like one lately.
Benson managed to get arrested twice in a month for being drunk in the wrong place. The first time was on a boat. The second time was in a car.
At that rate, the third time will apparently be on a horse or bicycle. Please make your predictions now.
The second time was once too often for the Chicago Bears, his former employer. Their GM said he had “displayed a pattern of behavior we will not tolerate. … Everyone in this organization is held accountable for their actions.”
So just like that, the former UT star and first-round draft pick is looking for a job.
Can you guess where he will end up?
Well, there are two teams in the NFL that love troublemakers and misfits. One is the Oakland Raiders. The other is in Dallas.
My guess is that another former disgraced Bear, Tank Johnson, is about to be reunited with his old teammate.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Big Brown's bust
The ghost of Affirmed can rest easier. It is still the last horse to win the Triple Crown, back in ’78.
Like a lot of people, I got caught up in Big Brown mania. In Friday’s blog, I even predicted that Brown would win by three lengths.
Well, at least he was at one end of the pack anyway.
Actually, I should have followed my first instincts. In last Monday’s blog, I wondered uneasily about the boasts made by Big Brown’s trainer, Rick Dutrow Jr.
He assured fans that Brown would take the Belmont easily. Even called in a “foregone conclusion.”
In retrospect, you feel suckered by the hype in these situations. There is no such thing as a sure bet, especially in something as chancy as sports. Just ask the Patriots about their “perfect season.”
Big Brown was awesome. But he wasn’t perfect. There is a difference.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Big Brown by ...
OK, by now you know more than you want to know about hoof cracks.
As in, “A quarter crack is a vertical crack in the hoof wall between the toe and heel, usually extending into the coronary band, where the hoof meets the skin of the leg.”
Too much information. What you really want to know is, will Big Brown bag the Belmont too?
The answer is yes, by three lengths. Remember, you read it here first.
If you cash in on my prediction, I expect a share of the winnings.
If Brown bombs, well, you shouldn’t be gambling anyway.
Take up something safer, like knitting.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Hey, whatever happened to ...
We all misplace little things from time to time — keys, eyeglasses, etc. That’s OK.
Losing track of big things is a different matter.
Or so you would think.
Folks in La Crosse, Wis., noticed out that something was missing from the front of the Naval Reservist Station. A six-foot-tall anchor weighing as much as a ton.
The anchor had been in front of the station since 1949 and apparently was stolen months ago. Nobody knows when or how. All they have figured out — belatedly — is that it is now gone.
Pretty embarrassing, eh? What could be worse?
How about losing a lighthouse.
Historians in Wellfleet, Mass. thought the 30-foot lighthouse that once overlooked the harbor was taken down in 1925.
Actually, the cast-iron beacon is Point Montara, Calif., and apparently has been there for a long time. Like since 1925, the year it stopped being in Wellfleet, Mass.
No one knows how it got from the Atlantic Coast to the Pacific.
I think we’ve all learned a lesson here. If you’re going to steal something, do it in La Crosse, Wis., or Wellfleet, Mass.
Your chances of getting caught are not big. Even if the thing you take is.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Take me out to the ball game
Minor league baseball is known for wacky fan-promotion gimmicks.
Like Free Vasectomy night. (You didn’t get it done there. You got a coupon. And I guess you had to be a guy.)
And now Free Funeral night. (As with the vasectomy promotion, this is one you cash in later.)
That’s what Elaine Fulps won at a recent game with the Grand Prairie AirHogs.
Grand Prairie, I know, is near Dallas. I don’t know what an AirHog is.
The promotion succeeded, as most of these wacky ones do. Elaine has a free funeral waiting for her when she checks out. More people know about the AirHogs, although most of them still don’t know what that critter is.
If other minor league teams want to keep pace, they’ll come up with some zany promotions too. I hereby suggest:
1) Free Foreclosed Home Night. Win the front-door keys to a home that some moron financed with a subprime loan. The only downside is you have to throw the family living in it out on the curb.
2) Free SUV Night. Since gasoline got more expensive than milk, all kinds of big ol’ SUVs are suddenly available for next to nothing — and in this case, literally nothing. There is a big disclaimer, however: The gas tank is empty on this behemoth. Bring lots of credit cards for the drive home.
3) Free Cross-Country Airplane Ticket Night. Win this baby and you can take the trip you’ve always dreamed of. By the way, it is coach class, which means you are scrinched on a seat 18 inches wide next to the lavatory. And the inflight movie is "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story."
4) Free tickets to the 10 town hall meetings proposed by John McCain for him and Barack Obama. … OK, maybe this one wouldn’t turn them out in droves.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Posh prison
If this was prison, lock me up.
Brazilian drug trafficker Genilson Lins da Silva had it pretty good in the Sao Paulo slammer.
How good? Very good.
We’re talking a prison cell equipped with a plasma TV set, refrigerator and gym equipment. Oh, and did I mention the $170,000 and two pistols he also had stashed away?
The good times ended Monday when da Silva’s suite, I mean cell, was raided. Wonder how long it took prison officials to notice that their prize inmate was enjoying a little more than “three hots and a cot.”
And here comes the funny part. According to the Associated Press, “authorities have ordered an investigation to find out how Silva got the money and guns into his cell.”
Gee, whiz. I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and suggest …
BIG-TIME BRIBERY AND CORRUPTION?
Just a thought.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Big Brown boasting
The colt named Big Brown has brought more interest to horse racing than the sport has seen in years. Probably not since Secretariat, and that’s going back a ways.
The reason is simple. Big Brown has won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. If he wins again in the Belmont Stakes, he would be the first horse in more than three decades to pull off the big hat trick.
We’ll see on Saturday. But Big Brown’s trainer Rick Dutrow Jr. had better really hope his horse doesn't cross the finish line looking at the hind end of some other critter(s).
Dutrow has already said Big Brown’s third win is a “foregone conclusion.”
And, “If he ever gets in the lead in the Belmont, the race is going to be over. I can’t see any horse coming up and catching him.”
And then, “Forget about it. There’s no way in the world there’s any other horse that’s doing any better than Big Brown. It’s impossible.”
Whooee! That’s a lot of braggin’, Rick. You seem to be forgetting an old adage:
“Choose your words carefully. You may have to eat them.”
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