Friday, November 28, 2008

Campers

Hope you survived Black Friday … not to mention Scary Saturday and Shocking Sunday.

Every year about this time, you read about people who camp out at certain stores the day before Black Friday — which happens to be Thanksgiving Thursday.

One lady in Beaumont started camping out on WEDNESDAY in front of the Best Buy on Eastex Freeway. She brought a tent, an air mattress and a lawn chair for the two-day ordeal. She even brought her dog, a German shepherd named Rin Tin Tin (a name for a shepherd you don’t see so much anymore).

Last year she camped out at Target. The year before, Best Buy again.

Some folks think these shopper/campers are tenacious consumers who show great fortitude.

I feel a little sorry for them.

Giving up a special day with your family and friends so you can buy more stuff shows the wrong priorities.

Sure, you can get a great deal at that Big Box onwhat used to be called a “loss leader,” an item the store sells below cost just to get customers inside. And there usually aren’t more than a handful of these special goodies. Everything else is available for its usual sale price, which might not be a sale at all.

Christmas gifts are nice, but people are more important than presents.

A cold night on a parking lot is a bad dream, not a holiday memory.

Read More...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Gratitude

Most holidays have been twisted beyond recognition by someone or something.

Christmas has often turned into a consumer frenzy. Halloween has often been re-branded as a Satanic plot. New Year's Eve is an excuse to get loaded.

Thanksgiving is different. Thank God.

It’s hard to be cynical about the simple act of giving thanks. This is not about getting more or envying others. It’s about being grateful for what you have in life, even if your life isn’t perfect.

Here’s a tip: It never will be. You will never have the looks, the loot or the love life of an Action Movie Hero.

We should never stop trying to improve our lives — in meaningful ways. But we should be truly grateful we live in this country and have things that many other people on the globe can only dream about.

Give thanks on Thanksgiving … and every day.

FEEDBACK: What are you thankful for?

Read More...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Mere words

Gee, whiz. We haven’t even enjoyed Thanksgiving — and the frenzied dash into overcrowded shopping malls — and folks are already doing end-of-year stuff.

Like the eggheads at Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary, who have decided “bailout” is the word of the year.

Why? Because more people looked it up online than any other.

I demand a recount.

First of all, how can you be older than 12 and not know what “bailout” means?

Second, “bailout” is not even a particularly glamorous word. It’s just in the paper or on your newscast every five minutes, as in, “Another big Wall Street firm begged President-Elect Obama for a reallllly big bailout.”

The only good thing you can say about “bailout” is that it beat out even lamer words, like “trepidation,” “precipice” and “turmoil.”

(A gold star goes to the first commenter on this blog who uses all three in a sentence.)

What about “maverick” or “surge”? Now there are some words with some heft in ’08.

Last year’s choice of “truthiness” was superb. That, of course, came from Comedy Central Stephen Colbert.

The brainiacs at the New Oxford American Dictionary chose “hypermiling” as their word of the year.

That’s the practice of squeezing maximum MPGs out of your car’s gas tank with stunts like shutting off the engine to coast downhill.

I call such people “cheapskates” or “morons,” particularly if I'm driving behind them.

For his W.O.T.Y., wordsmith William Safire chose “frugalista,” which means someone who practices The New Frugality with flair.

Or what we used to call in the old days, “cheapskates.”

FEEDBACK: What’s your word of the year?

Read More...

Monday, November 24, 2008

Parking lot justice

Is this a great country or what?

A carjacker in North Carolina was discouraged from practicing his profession by onlookers. They saw him beating the car’s owner in a grocery store parking lot just south of Raleigh as he tried to steal the wheels.

Fortunately, they didn’t just stand around and say, “My, my. Isn’t that a shame.”

They commenced to open up a can of whup-ass on the carjacker — including one Good Samaritan who … here it comes …

Beat the carjacker with a frozen turkey!

Despite their best efforts, the carjacker jacked the car and drove away. (Darn!)

But the cops caught him a short time later. (Hooray!)

And better still, he had serious head injuries and had to be hospitalized! (Double hooray!)

No word on the turkey’s condition.

Read More...

Friday, November 21, 2008

Pacman, once again

So Adam “Pacman” Jones is going to get another chance to play football.

It’s about time!

Sure, the guy has messed up once or twice ... or a dozen times.

But he deserves a second chance … and a third chance … and a fourth chance … etc.

Jerry Jones, Cowboys owner and chief enabler, even said it was his fault that Pacman got into a fight with a security guard hired by the team in a vain attempt to keep him out of trouble.

Jerry, who clearly did not major in English at Arkansas, mumbled, “Yes, I do take responsibility for the fact that it was my own security that the issue was part of. Because it was my guy there that created the problem. ... The way that it was supposed to work in my mind, to some degree, we wouldn’t have had that problem.”

Clear enough for ya?

This time, Pacman will be freed of the heavy hand of team security and will be able to make his own decisions about what to do, who to hang out with and what to consume.

Look out, Big D!

Read More...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Toilet troubles

Look, I know there’s a global environmental crisis and all that, but do we really have to give up … flush toilets?

That’s exactly what one expert, Jack Sims, said at the World Toilet Summit in Macau on World Toilet Day.

(Don't worry. I won’t ask how you become a toilet expert, or what you do at a Toilet Summit, or even how to "celebrate" World Toilet Day.)

Sims believes flush toilets consume too much fresh water that folks could use for drinking or crop irrigation (but not at the same time).

“This ‘flush and forget’ attitude creates a new problem which we have to revisit,” Sims said sagely.

Crap, I say! This is getting serious. Some “experts” in Australia have even called for a “toilet tax” based on how many times you flush.

A professor at Adelaide University said, “Some people may go as far as not flushing their toilet as often, as the less sewage you produce the less the rate you pay.”

Wow; wouldn’t that be great.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t want to bid good-bye to flush toilets.

I don’t want to live in a world where a question about where the restroom is located is answered by someone pointing outside and saying, “Third tree on the left.”

I don’t want to go to bed at night wondering where I will go if I get up to go.

I don’t want to go natural when Nature calls.

… Give me porcelain, or give me death!

Read More...

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Cheerleader hazing?

Seven former high school varsity cheerleaders in suburban Houston face charges for … severely hazing other girls who simply wanted to shake pom-poms with them.

The ex-cheerleaders from Morton Ranch High School in Katy supposedly restrained several junior varsity cheerleaders, blindfolded them, tied their hands and pushed them into a swimming pool.

Three questions:

1) How desperate are students to get onto this cheerleading squad if they have to go through something like that?

2) Do these cheerleaders have chants like, “Smack ’em, jack ’em, put ’em in the coffin!”

3) If this is what the cheerleader hazing is like at this school, what in God’s name do their big, beefy football players do?

... I don’t wanna know, and I wouldn’t want to play that school's team.

Read More...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Big 3 beg

The Big 3 auto makers have come a-beggin’ in Washington, D.C.

They want $25 billion to tide them over until, well, until things turn around.

And if they don’t get it, they warn of dire consequences.

Without a quick infusion of cash, they predict a deeper economic catastrophe and millions of layoffs as the nightmare of layoffs ripple through our teetering economy.

And that’s not all. In addition:

1) Their retirement bonuses could be slashed to just five figures.

2) Shareholders would ask annoying questions like, “Why did you run this company into the ground?”

3) The home office might stop paying their annual dues at the country club and yacht club — where they conduct important business by mingling with important people.

and worst of all ...

4) People might just buy cars from other companies and forget they even existed.

… Scary stuff, isn’t it. Kinda makes you want to hold a telethon for them, or something.

Read More...

Monday, November 17, 2008

Cabinetry

So Hillary Clinton could be Barack Obama's secretary of state.

It’s not a bad consolation prize, but she was hopin’ to be doin’ the pickin’.

Maybe she could take along Bill for some road trips. It will keep him out of, ahem, trouble back home, and he can renew old friendships abroad with world leaders.

If Hillary does stake out State, John Kerry will be mighty ticked off.

He had his eyes on that plum job, too, and he thinks he’s paid his dues much longer than her.

Personally, I think Obama is right to choose her and reject him. Kerry, more so than most senators, is an arrogant windbag.

That job needs someone who can get things done, not look good at those endless international conferences making endless international speeches.

We shall see. In the meantime, I’m pretty sure that for attorney general, we can rule out … Eliot Spitzer and John Edwards.

Read More...

Friday, November 14, 2008

Tough luck Chuck

You gotta feel sorry for Prince Charles.

He has big ears, he divorced one of the world’s most beautiful women for one of the, um, least beautiful, and as he turns 60 today, he’s still an apprentice.

That’s right, commoners. His title remains “prince,” not “king.”

And even though mom — a.k.a. Queen Elizabeth II — is 82, she wears that crown like she’s 62. And Liz could live a long time; her mother didn’t “drop the scepter” until she was 101!

You would think that mumsy would’ve given Chuck the title years ago. But noooooo. She just keeps hanging on and humiliating her oldest son.

You have to conclude she doesn’t think he’s up to the job; talk about an embarrassing vote of no confidence!

Why can’t she just quit and hand over the throne to Charles? I would think that being a retired queen is pretty easy. Hey, let’s face it; being an active queen isn’t that tough either.

Some day, I suppose, Charles will become king.

Let’s just hope he’s not too senile then to realize it.

FEEDBACK: Do you feel sorry for Prince Charles?

Read More...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Secret Service secrets

I hope Osama bin Laden doesn’t read the papers over here. ’Cause if he did, he would find out that the new Secret Service code names for Barack and Michelle Obama are Renegade and Renaissance. Heck, for that matter, First Daughters Sasha and Malia will be Rosebud and Radiance.

Call me old-fashioned, but shouldn’t Secret Service code names be, well, secret? Seems like a security slip to me.

And why do all the Obama code names have to begin with the letter R. Why not O — as in Obama? All the Bush code names began with T — again, making no sense whatsoever.

On top of everything, the Online Etymology Dictionary says that Renegade’s earliest meanings referred to deserting one’s religion, coming from the Spanish word “renegado,” which originally meant “Christian turned Muslim.”

Wow; talk about “Don’t go there!”

The Bushes should get new code names since they won’t be in the White House anymore. For W, I’m thinking, “The Guy Who Left a Truckload of Problems for his Successor.” And of course, Laura would be “The Wife of the Guy Who Left a Truckload of Problems for his Successor.”

As for the Bush daughters, maybe something like “Reformed Party Animal I” and “Reformed Party Animal II.”

That’s all from me -- or as I’m known these days, “Tapped Out.”

... FEEDBACK: What should Barack Obama's new code name be?

Read More...

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pirates

Texas Tech coach Mike Leach has been getting a lot of attention lately for his fascination with pirates — and because his football team could be closing out one of the greatest college seasons in years.

I’m a Texas fan, but you have to admire small schools like Boise State that take on the football factories of the NCAA. Kudos to Leach and Tech on that point.

I’m not so keen on pirates. Most were smelly, drunken murderers and rapists, not like the Johnny Depp caricature in recent films.

And though not everyone knows it, pirates still roam the Seven Seas. Or at least parts of the African coast by Somalia. They regularly hijack merchant ships and offer to return the cargo and crew for a hefty donation, which most shipping companies quickly pay.

But not everyone in the Pirate Community is smart. One gang recently got into a firefight with two British navy ships packed with seasoned commandos and lotsa high-tech weaponry.

After a brief but deadly gun battle — for the pirates, that is — the bad guys had reconsidered their hasty decision.

As the London Times Online put it, "By the time the Royal Marines boarded the pirates’ vessel, the enemy had lost the will to fight and surrendered quietly. The Royal Navy described the boarding as 'compliant'."

I think we’ve all learned a lesson here.

First, if you’re growing up in Somalia, or just about anywhere, pick a nice trade like plumbing or dentistry. Don’t pursue pirating.

Second, if you do become a pirate anyway, don’t get into a shootout with a group of highly trained professional soldiers who have, oh, I’d say about 100 times the firepower that you do.

If you do, you won’t live to enjoy the Pirate Retirement Plan.

Read More...

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Vote early, but not often

It’s official, and it’s no surprise to Texans. We’ve got the best system — for voting, that is.

Two-thirds of all Texans who voted in the last election didn’t show up on Election Day. They voted during the two-week early voting period.

This is one of the best rates in the nation. Only a few other states had better records for early voting, and most of them vote by mail.

Every election, we hear all kinds of people pleading, threatening and persuading us to vote.

Not all voters will respond, of course, but at least we should make it as easy as possible.

Texas, once again, is showing the rest of the nation how.

Whether they follow our lead is another matter.

Read More...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Poor but posh

Finally, somebody is giving real help to the poor.

But don’t get your hopes up, poor Americans, ’cause it’s happening in Brazil.

In that great South American nation, plastic surgeons have decided to offer free beauty treatments to the economically deprived.

And not just an old tube of lipstick or a half-empty bottle of hair gel. We’re talking chemical skin peels, laser hair removal and even Botox injections.

It’s about time!

There’s nothing worse than being poor and hungry and homeless and looking like hell at the same time.

Finally, the poor can adopt that haughty, sneering look that the rich have perfected.

And since most poor people don’t get enough to eat, they’re already slim and don’t have to diet!

Why hasn’t somebody thought of something this spiffy over here?

Hey, the poor will always be with us.

But if the son-of-a-guns looked better, working folks wouldn’t mind them so much.

Read More...

Friday, November 07, 2008

The Nobel Prize in Beer

News item: Researchers at Rice University are trying to genetically alter beer so that it can help your body fight ailments such as cancer, heart disease or Type 2 diabetes.

If you must know, the guys in the white coats are genetically modifying the yeast in beer so that it will produce resveratrol.

That, of course, is a naturally occurring compound in red wine and other foods believed to have cancer-fighting and cardiovascular benefits.

Sometime in the future:

“Honey, could you grab me another cold one as long as you’re in the kitchen? … Hey, I’m just tryin’ to stay healthy for you and the kids.”

Read More...

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Name games

Antigua, which is one of those countries you’ve never heard of, wants to rename its highest mountain peak “Mount Obama” in honor of the new American president-elect.

That’s nice, even though Barack Obama has no connection whatsoever with Antigua, wherever that is.

But I can see why the Antiguans (is that what they’re called?) want to rename their country’s highest mountain. It is currently known as Boggy Peak, and that’s not exactly a tourist draw.

The "mountain" is also only a little more than 1,300 feet high, which is frankly not much. In Central Texas, something like that is known as a “hill.”

Whatever. In related news, Californians are considering renaming Death Valley the McCain Plains.

Read More...

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Unity government?

This is probably crazy, but ...

President-Elect Obama wants to start off strong.

He says he wants to unite the country, and there are several ways he can do that.

How about this one:

Offering John McCain the job of defense secretary.

That post suits McCain's abilities. It would help inoculate Obama against the inevitable charges that he is a wuss of a liberal who won't stand up to the bad guys.

Obama doesn't have to worry about McCain not getting along with him and other Cabinet members.

If he doesn't, he can can him and say he tried to reach out.

It's a good deal for McCain too.

Instead of going back to a Senate where he's part of a weak minority, he becomes a player for the next four years.

Think about it, Barack, and John.

Read More...

Polls and predictions

So the polls were right after all.

It's an Obamarathon.

The Arizona senator has become John McCan't.

We all like to confound the experts, but polling today is a lot different than it was in '48 when Truman beat Dewey. It's more accurate, and there's more of it.

Some Web sites like RealClearPolitics.com averaged together all the major polls.

When you looked at all the numbers, it was clear what was happening.

Individual polls can be off, but not all of them.

John McCain needed a miracle tonight to overcome the odds.

He didn't get it, and it was virtually undoable.

Get used to saying "President Obama."

Read More...

Ohio and out

The networks just called Ohio for Barack Obama.

If you can think of a way that John McCain can still win the presidency, you get an A+ in creative math.

It's basically over; everything else is after-the-fact.

Frankly, McCain's only decision now is when to give his concession speech.

Read More...

Election electricity

There is nothing like the atmosphere inside a newsroom on election night.

The usual hectic pace is ramped up several notches. It's exciting and exasperating at the same time. For journalists, it's the Super Bowl or the World Series.

Tonight I'm over at the KBMT12 studio chipping in with political commentary from time to time.

News flash: TV is different from newspapers.

The time elements are shorter, and it's live. There are no rewrites or corrections.

If you say something dumb, it's out there forever.

So as a newbie to the TV biz, I'm hoping to keep my foot out of my mouth tonight.

So far, so good ... but the night is young.

Read More...

Online and on the air

If you want to get the latest news about today's election -- and who wouldn't -- may I humbly recommend The Enterprise Web site.

It's chock full o' political goodies, about the area and the nation. Check it out -- repeatedly.

I'll also be doing a stint on KBMT12 tonight, chipping in political commentary when it makes sense. I hope that happens a lot.

I'll also be blogging from the studio as time permits, right here on Back on Earth.

Stay in touch; history is happening before your very eyes tonight.

You want to be able to tell the grandkids all about it.

Read More...

Showtime

Sunday was the Day of the Dead in Mexico. Today is the Day of Decision in the United States. Cynics would say different countries, same holiday. Whatever.

The polls say Barack Obama is headed for history and John McCain is headed for retirement in Arizona. (Actually, McCain already lives in Arizona, so he's halfway there.)

It's fashionable to say the polls are wrong, and sometimes they are. We don't like to feel that we are predictable.

This time, put your money on the polls.

Obama will win -- by a landslide in the Electoral College, by a smaller margin in the popular vote.

Republicans shouldn't blame McCain. He faced long odds, and the financial meltdown sealed his fate.

Ever since Obama won the Democratic nomination, this race was his to lose. He didn't, and he won't.

When someone calls him "Mr. President" tonight for the first time, it will be a goosebump moment.

However, you voted, you should wish him luck. He will need it.

Read More...

Monday, November 03, 2008

Disorder in the court

The corruption trial of Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens could play a big role in determining whether Democrats get 60 votes in the U.S. Senate in this election.

If they do, Republicans won’t be able to stop things they don’t like. They won’t be able to prevent a final vote on bills by continuing to filibuster against them.

Good thing the trial wasn’t affected by one nutty juror.

Juror No. 4, otherwise known as Marian Hinnant, stopped the jury’s deliberations the day after they started. She said she had to go to California because her father had died.

No problem. The court understood and told her to take off a few days. When she wouldn’t return telephone calls later on, she was replaced by an alternate juror.

Good thing, ’cause Marian’s dad hadn’t died after all. Turns out she wanted to attend a horse race -- the Breeders’ Cup in Arcadia, Calif.

When she was finally hauled before the judge and asked to explain her bizarre behavior, she “started a long rambling story about horses, which included references to horse breeding, the Breeders’ Cup, drugs, President Ford’s son Steven and her condo in Florida being bugged.”

Good grief; what a loon.

Someone like this was chosen to be a juror in the most important political trial of the year.

Apparently, no one noticed in the long jury-selection process and trial THAT SHE WAS A COMPLETE NUT JOB.

What if this clown had hung on and thrown the case into a mistrial?

It’s like I always said: The only thing wrong with democracy is people.

Read More...