I guess $11.7 billion isn’t what it used to be.
That’s the amount of ExxonMobil’s second-quarter profit. (All those nickels and dimes they’ve been getting from you and me add up.)
Even for ExxonMobil, $11.7 billion is a big second-quarter profit. In fact, the oil giant beat its own record for the highest quarterly profit ever.
But here comes the crazy part:
Wall Street expected ... even bigger profits! By racking up a measly $11.7 bil, ExxonMobil actually saw its stock price fall, by 2.5 percent!
As one analyst, Simmons & Co. International, noted, “We expect that these results will be viewed negatively today.”
Huh? A record quarterly profit of nearly $12 billion … is not good enough?
Wow; what if the company had brought in, only, say, $10 billion?
I guess the CEO and chairman would be canned.
After all, you can’t keep stringing along underperformers forever.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Corporate craziness
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Dough-nutty
Dunkin’ Donuts is adding health food to its menu. Isn’t that great? No it is not.
People slink off to a DD for a deliciously guilty shot of sugar and caffeine.
If we wanted healthy stuff, well, darn it, we’d go to a place called something like Cardboard and Seawater. (Hey, didn’t one of those open in that trendy new neighborhood last week?)
If you can’t rely on a DD for sneaky gourmet pleasure, where can you take your cravings? You can bet that health food stores won’t be adding a junk food aisle.
DD is, however, adding “two new flatbread sandwiches made with egg whites. Customers will be able to choose either a turkey sausage egg-white sandwich or a vegetable one. Both will be under 300 calories with 9 grams of fat or less,” according to the Associated Press.
Tsk-tsk. I’d go to a Starbucks to drown my sorrows, but 600 of them are closing worldwide.
Bald behind bars
Wow; talk about irony.
A few months ago, John Chambers III was a prison guard. Soon he will be a prison inmate.
That’s because Chambers was caught smuggling contraband into Beaumont’s massive federal prison in exchange for bribes. That stupid stunt will earn him a two-year stint.
Some of the items Chambers smuggled in were understandable — tobacco, marijuana and MP3 players. When you’re doing hard time, a little smoke and some tunes apparently make it pass easier.
There is, however, one other item that Chambers was caught trying to sneak in, and for the life of me I don’t understand it:
Rogaine.
That’s right, Rogaine. As any bald or near-bald guy will tell you, Rogaine, according to the company Web site, “is the first and only FDA-approved hair regrowth foam. … It’s not greasy and it doesn’t run or drip. It’s so easy to use, it could make getting back your hair one of the easiest parts of your routine.”
Uh, why?
We all want to look good. But when you’re in the slammer, growing a lush, thick head of hair ought to be your last concern. Or so I would think.
If anybody out there in bloggerdom knows why prison inmates need Rogaine, please post a comment.
… Unless it’s something icky.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Pain at the pump
I believe in the power of prayer. I hate high gasoline prices, too.
Unfortunately, there is no connection between the two.
Somebody should tell that to a group called “Prayer at the Pump.” It held two service at gas stations in St. Louis to get pump prices headed south again.
It even sang that magnificent Civil Rights song “We Shall Overcome” with a stupid modern verse, “We’ll have lower gas prices.”
The prayer/pump pack needs a serious reality check.
High gasoline prices are not a punishment from God, just as the relatively lower costs in previous years were not a blessing.
They were and are something that happens due to market forces. You know, the boring old supply/demand stuff you learned in high school Economics — that is, if you weren’t dozing off or fantasizing about members of the opposite sex.
There are dozens of things that need our prayers, situations where innocent people are truly hurting.
A buck or two more per gallon doesn’t qualify. If the pain at the pump is too pervasive, get a subcompact, or a moped, or a bicycle.
If nothing else, walk.
That mode of transportation was good enough for Jesus.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Is your head empty yet?
Was it just me, or did you notice it too?
Whaddya mean, “What the #@*& am I blogging about?”
I am referring, of course, to that very important event that transpired on Friday.
World Still Mind Day.
That’s right, dear readers.
The School of Metaphysics declared July 25 to be World Still Mind Day.
The goal, according to Dr. Daniel Condron, a lifelong meditator who teaches there, is to bring “people together to relax, calm and still the mind, and thereby find peace.”
It must have worked. I didn’t notice any new wars breaking out on Friday.
On the other hand, I didn’t notice much letup in the wars already going on. I guess it all depends on how you defend success.
But getting back to this “still mind” concept. Dr. Condron says, “The cause of most of the world’s troubles, wars and problems is too much thinking.”
Our goal should be to “think less thoughts, enjoy the space between your thoughts, and experience the blissful peace within.”
Riiiggghhtt.
By the way, if you care to take a couple of courses at the School of Metaphysics, you should know where it’s at.
That would be in a Missouri town called Windyville.
Indeed, where else would it be?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
U R dumb
Smart cops know when to chase hard … and when to let the quarry come to them.
Sheriff’s deputies in Catawba County, N.C., caught two young gentlemen suspected in a series of break-ins. They confiscated the cell phone of one of them, a 16-year-old.
Soon, a text message arrived from another suspect. It asked the guy already busted if he had indeed been caught.
A deputy texted back “no.” (That’s one word so short that teens don’t abbreviate it.)
Predictably, the third moron was fooled and said he would drive over to pick up his friend.
Deputies waited near the site of the burglaries and slapped the cuffs on the clueless texter when he showed up.
LOL.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Wiccan woes
How many times has this happened to you?
You’re in the cemetery under the glow of a full moon, surrounded by candles and incense, and you want to plunge a 3-foot sword into the ground in a Wiccan good luck ritual.
But instead … you stick the damned sword in your foot!
Ouch! That’s exactly what happened to Katherine Gunther in Lebanon, Ind.
“It wasn’t the first time I performed the ritual, but it was the first time I put a sword through my foot,” she explained helpfully.
Talk about egg on your face. (And blood on your feet!)
Fortunately for Gunther, she immediately yanked out the blade and her fellow Wiccans took her to a hospital. She is being kept there for a couple of days for observation.
Ah yes, observation. That’s good … as you wouldn’t want her TO DO ANYTHING STUPID while she was recuperating.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tourist (death) trap
For bored travelers who have seen it all, the next challenge is clear: Iraq.
Yes, Iraq, the place where religious fanatics of different kinds are trying to kill Iraqis and soldiers of different kinds.
Despite that little problem, Iraqi tourism officials are thinking positive.
They have rolled out new tourism posters and want to attract visitors to Iraq’s archaeological sites.
That’s encouraging. On the downside, many of those sites have been looted and damaged in the fighting.
And the national museum in Baghdad, filled with thousands of priceless artifacts, remains closed because of the strong likelihood that a suicide bomber would be among its first customers.
Still, one American entrepreneur, Robert Kelley, said Baghdad’s famed “Green Zone” would be a dandy site for $100 million luxury hotel. It probably would be, as soon as they can do something about those annoying mortar shells that “drop in” unexpectedly.
This week, officials from Iraq’s National Investment Commission joined Kelley in a “cornerstone-laying” ceremony at the proposed site.
The AP reported, “Some Iraqi observers joked that the structure looked like a gravestone.”
Yikes. I bet no one was laughing.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Amy alert!
Amy Winehouse must have been devastated.
The singer's beloved husband Blake — “my Blake” — as she lovingly calls him, will remain locked up.
Blake Fielder-Civil, as you may recall, has been inside since he admitted beating up a pub manager in a barroom fight in 2006 and then offering him $400,000 to clam up about it.
On Monday, a judge sentenced Blakey to 27 months in prison. Ouch.
But on the bright side, he’s already served nine months. So under British laws, he can get out when he’s completed half the sentence, which would be this December for him.
Maybe he and Amy can have a traditional, old-fashioned Christmas then.
But in the meantime, I hope she can control her emotions.
I just wouldn’t want her to do something stupid — like getting another tattoo or getting stoned or getting arrested.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Welcome to Tehran!
Finally, the U.S. and Iran are taking care of some unfinished business. After all these years — and that unpleasant hostage crisis — the two countries are talking about re-establishing a U.S. diplomatic presence in Tehran.
It’s about time. And you may be surprised to hear this, but I think the Iranians have been getting a raw deal on this issue.
They are not the religious fanatics that some people are trying to portray them as. Deep down inside, they’re jes’ plain folks.
In fact, to prove it, the Iranian government has recommended several nice properties for the new U.S. mission:
1) A lovely brownstone at the intersection of I’d-Rather-Be-Waging-Holy-War Boulevard and Jihad-Forever Parkway. It features low walls that won’t impede any sudden surge of “students,” I mean guests.
2) A spacious Mediterranean-style villa next to the Suicide Belt Factory on Martyrdom Lane. It has many extra rooms for any sudden surge of “students,” I mean guests.
3) A cozy three-story brick structure smack dab in the hottest section of Avenge-The-Crusades Avenue. The walls produce a delightful echo of any “Death to America” chants that might emanate from the street.
… Now isn’t that nice? Can’t we all just get along?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Murder She Did
If you’re thinking of becoming a mass murderer — and I sincerely hope that you are not — you might want to move to Austria before you begin your body count.
Why? Let’s just say you won’t get the book thrown at you if you get caught.
European countries long ago abolished the death penalty. In Austria, even a “life sentence” rarely extends beyond 15 years, no matter how many bodies you sent to the morgue.
For example, Austria’s two “angels of death,” Waltraud Wagner and Irene Leidolf, will be sprung soon after 17 years behind bars.
That’s a lot of time, but not if you’ve done a lot of killings. And these gals knew how to put ’em away.
They worked as nurse’s aides and were convicted of killing at least 20 elderly patients by injecting them with drugs or forcing water into their lungs.
And no, these were not “mercy killings,” if there is such a thing. The presiding judge denounced their “malicious methods” — such as pushing aside the tongues of their victims and pouring water down their throats.
When the two killers and two other accomplices were first caught, they admitted taking out 42 patients at a hospital that had been converted into a nursing home. Later, they retracted most of those confessions. ("Hey, it's not like we're bad people!")
Anyhow, the two killers are both still in their 40s and can presumably look forward to many more years of life.
Unlike the dozens of people they murdered … crimes for which they served less than 20 years.
Remember that the next time somebody whines about the death penalty in this country.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Cash rich, morally bankrupt
Some people have too much money. (That’s a problem I never had.)
Like Russian billionaire Dmitry Rybolovlev. He bought Donald Trump's mansion in Palm Beach for $95 million. (He should have bought some more vowels for his name, but that’s another blog.)
That price, in case you’re wondering, is the most ever paid for home in the United States.
The Donald made a nice profit, too. He paid only $41 mil for the pad in 2004.
He probably made some improvements, though, to boost the selling price, like adding longer garden hoses and some of those curly light bulbs.
Anyway, if you think this is a Bunch of Wretched Excess, you are right, but you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Rybolovlev is thinking about tearing down the house he just bought for nearly $100 million … so he can put up an even fancier one!
Don’t worry, he can afford it. His net worth is estimated at $12.8 billion by the Forbes list, making him the 59th richest person on the planet.
Still, you don’t have to be a Commie to wonder how much real good he could do with that money instead of pissing it away on an ego trip.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
No Barry = good game
As baseball fans from Long Island to Long Beach know, the final All Star game at Yankee Stadium was held Tuesday night.
This blog was written before the first ceremonial pitch was thrown — even before the first commercial was aired. But the game was a smashing success.
How did I know that? Simple: No Barry Bonds.
Last year’s All Star game in San Francisco was hijacked by BALCO Barry.
What should have been a celebration of the game’s finest turned into a long and nauseating tribute to the hometown “hero” and his quest for Hank Aaron’s home run record.
It was bad. Really bad.
Fortunately, there was no Barryfest this year.
The surly, foul-mouthed slugger remains unsigned midway through the season. You know he hates that, and I squirm with glee knowing that he hates that.
If there is a God, Bonds will remain unsigned for the rest of time.
(Note to God: I know You are there. That’s just an expression we use down here on Earth.)
Periodically, the baseball world is set atwitter with rumors that some desperate club will sign Bonds, probably an American League team that needs a designated hitter.
I’m hoping it won’t happen, but I’m resigned to suspecting that it might.
But if we can get through three more months without Barry in uniform, we are probably rid of that cheater forever.
It’s even less likely that some team would sign him next year after he sat out this year. And there’s the even juicier chance that Barry will be convicted of lying under oath.
Think of it — Barry out of baseball and in a prison.
If there is a God, it will happen.
(Note to God. See 10th paragraph above.)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Tapped out
Some financial wizards say that as many as 150 of the nation’s 7,500 banks could fail in the next 12-18 months.
This, of course, is after IndyMac cratered in California, leading to the kind of frantic bank run by worried depositors that hasn’t been seen since the Depression.
And, of course, these same financial wizards are nervously mentioning that the nation’s two largest mortgage finance companies, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, could be hanging by a thread too.
And General Motors — the mighty GM! — has been spending a lot of time lately insisting that it won’t go bankrupt.
So my question is this: If you can’t afford to buy gas for your SUV made by GM to go to your IndyMac bank before it is padlocked and withdraw the last of your savings to try to pay the mortgage on your home financed by Fannie Mae … are you:
A) Doomed.
B) Hopeless.
C) A typical American.
… Just wondering.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Brett goes too far
We’ve seen it a dozen times.
Some old boxer retires … and unretires ... a few times.
He can’t step away from the ring, even though he’s over the hill like yesterday’s sunset.
It’s pathetic, but then boxing isn’t much of a “sport,” so I guess it doesn’t matter much.
Pro football is different. And Brett Favre is really different.
Sadly, the great quarterback is acting like a lousy boxer.
A few months after the typically tear-filled press conference in which he swore up and down that he was leaving the game because he had absolutely nothing left to give … well, he wants to come back.
If the Packers would just give him his No. 4 jersey and point him toward the field, I guess we could chuckle at another Huck Finn moment from Favre and wait for the new season.
But Green Bay is balking. The owners used their No. 1 pick on a quarterback three years ago — Aaron Rodgers. They’re tired of paying him big bucks to hold a clipboard on the sidelines.
Besides, Favre has gone through this will-he-or-won’t-he Hamlet act for a few seasons now. This time, it looked like he meant it … for a few months.
So now they don’t want to take him back, and Favre is asking to be released so he can sign with another team.
Sacrilege. That’s like putting Babe Ruth in a Red Sox uniform. … OK, he did wear Beantown duds earlier in his career, but you know what I mean.
Favre runs a huge risk of tarnishing his legacy and embarrassing himself on the field.
Maybe the really sad thing is that this man-child doesn’t have anything else to do with his life.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Sit down and shut up
Do you ever suspect that some people have too much time on their hands?
I do. In fact, I can prove it:
A guy named Jim Purol just set a new Guinness World Record for “Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours.”
On Wednesday, he sat on his 39,250th seat in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, Calif., after starting on Monday. Sometime soon he hopes to sit in the 92,542nd and final seat.
This guy must be the Barry Bonds of competitive seating. He once sat in all 107,501 seats at the University of Michigan’s football stadium.
Isn’t that fascinating?
No, it isn’t.
Isn’t that weird?
Yes, it is.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
An inside job
For 16 years, Marcia Sinclair was the trusted accounts receivable clerk for Gulf Coast Window Covering in Houston.
Prosecutors say that for the last four of those years, she was an embezzler.
If she was, she was darned good. Sinclair is accused of siphoning off $6 million from a company that would never be confused with a Fortune 500 firm.
Stories like this usually reinforce two key lessons:
1) Embezzlers often get caught because they get greedy.
If Sinclair was skimming, she probably could have gotten away with it forever … if she had showed a little restraint. You know, taking just enough not to be noticed, living a modest lifestyle.
Not her. Prosecutors say enjoyed a buying binge that could have satisfied dozens of divas. We’re talking goodies like more than 100 rings, 12 pairs of $2,000 shoes and “tons of clothes.” And the amazing total of 61 pairs of designer sunglasses. With cases.
Interesting. And the other lesson? That would be:
2) Crafty embezzlers usually find the right kind of people to work for. People who are, uh, very trusting.
If you were a top official in a modestly-sized business, wouldn’t you notice eventually that millions of dollars in revenues were being diverted?
I guess not.
As one prosecutor told The Houston Chronicle, “It’s another case of a trusted employee stealing from an employer. It’s happened before, and it will happen again.”
I guess it will.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Don't be like Mike
Whatever happened to … Michael Vick?
Oh, that’s right. For the second summer in a row, he won’t be taking snaps at the Atlanta Falcons training camp.
Instead, he’s snapping towels in the prison laundry.
Big difference.
Poor Mike. In addition to serving 23 months in the mother of all federal pens in Leavenworth, Kansas, he now has declared bankruptcy.
He owes millions and owns thousands. That is what economists call “a negative cash flow.”
Actually, the outlook isn’t completely gloomy for No. 7. (OK, now he’s No. 532865, but you know what I mean.)
Vick hopes to “rebuild his life on a personal and spiritual level, resurrect his image as a public figure, and resolve matters with the NFL such that he can resume his career,” he wrote in his bankruptcy petition.
Hell, I wouldn’t rule it out. Some team will sign him when he’s sprung, probably the felon-loving Dallas Cowboys. A book/movie deal would bring in a few bucks, not to mention a reality TV show. He’s still young and healthy. If he makes it big again, he’d be the Comeback Player of the Century.
We shall see. But I wonder if when he’s lying in his bunk at night, listening to the chaos and craziness of a prison, he thinks back to that time several years ago when one of his dumb-ass flunkies asked something like,
“Hey, Mike, ya wanna get some dogs an’ fight ’em?”
I’m pretty sure that right about now, Michael Vick is wishing he’d made a different choice.
Monday, July 07, 2008
That was then, this is now
John Kerry, a Democrat, says John McCain, a Republican, doesn’t have what it takes to be president.
“John McCain ... has proven that he has been wrong about every judgment he’s made about the war. Wrong about the Iraqis paying for the reconstruction, wrong about whether or not the oil would pay for it, wrong about Sunni and Shia violence through the years, wrong about the willingness of the Iraqis to stand up for themselves,” Kerry said on CBS’ “Face the Nation.”
No big surprise there. Democrats and Republicans don’t like each other much, and I believe there is an election for president in a few months. Republican senators don’t have nice things to say about Barack Obama.
But Kerry’s quips are curious for another reason.
Four years ago, when Kerry was the Democratic nominee for president, he wanted McCain to be his VP — even though he was a Republican.
It was a bold, gutsy offer. It probably would have gotten Kerry elected.
But McCain — after some wavering — declined.
Good thing. They probably wouldn’t have gotten along ... seeing as Kerry changes his mind so often.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
More 'Net nuggets
More Internet wisdom, better than the usual spam:
My sister got this from a friend of hers in Ireland:
“We, in Ireland, can’t figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
“On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer.
“On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good-looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
“What are you laddies over there thinking?”
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Starbucked
Well, haw, haw, haw.
The mighty Starbucks chain is leaking like a cheap plastic cup.
It will have to close 600 (!) of its stores — most of which were opened only two years ago.
Did they think we consumers were stupid? Did they think we would pay $4 or $5 for a fancy cup of coffee?
Who could be that dumb?
… Well, me. And you. And you. And most of the other folks reading this blog.
Admit it, Starbuckians. You loved the chain’s cachet, the silly labels like “venti,” the pseudo-inspirational sayings on the cups.
This wasn’t a bitter cup of Joe in a gritty diner. Starbucks made a lowly drink glamorous. At Starbucks, you were hip and trendy, like Bill Gates and the Internet millionaires in Seattle.
Alas, $4 gas has trumped $4 coffee. It’s back to homemade brew, or maybe McDonald’s in the morning. (I love the lid on their small cup with that hinged flap.)
Maybe Bill Gates can drink more java to keep Starbucks going. At least he can afford it.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Jocks and jerks
Sports may look simple to the inexperienced fan, but it’s complicated.
Take the Shawn Chacon / Manny Ramirez incidents.
Shawn went Latrell Sprewell on the Astros GM the other day. So the ’Stros released him. I mean, you can’t have jocks choking team employees, can you?
Well, in Boston you can. You see, the other day Manny went Latrell Sprewell on the Red Sox’s traveling secretary. It seems that Manny wanted a bunch of tickets for friends and flunkies for the team’s recent visit to Houston.
The traveling sec couldn’t or wouldn’t come through. So Manny did what any spoiled millionaire jock would do. He went Latrell Sprewell on him.
Was Manny bounced from the team like Shawn was?
No, popcorn-breath, he was not.
Any why? Well, Shawn was a so-so pitcher. His fast ball wasn’t and his curve ball wouldn’t. (He did have a killer change-up, though.) Because of his mediocrity, he was expendable.
Manny, on the other hand, is the best hitter in Bean Town. Getting rid of him, or even fining or suspending him, for throttling a normal person would be unthinkable.
In fact, whenever Manny does weird things like this or fails to hustle after a double in the corner, no one speaks harshly to The Favored One.
They just shrug their shoulders, grin, and say, “That’s Manny being Manny.”
Maybe that’s why he keeps doing things like this.
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