Back On Earth: October 2008

Friday, October 31, 2008

Monday Night Lights

In an effort to reach the handful of Americans who have not been overwhelmed with pleas to vote for McCain or Obama, the candidates are getting serious.

Both are appearing on halftime of “Monday Night Football” with ESPN’s Chris Berman.

Is this a great country or what? Are you ready for some politickin’?

The segments will be taped earlier and played at halftime. Due to my deep contacts in the news media, I have obtained an advance snippet of each interview:

CHRIS BERMAN: So, Sen. McCain, what do you think we’ll see in the second half? Is it time to throw the bomb?

JOHN McCAIN: Yes it is Chris. As the Beach Boys used to sing, “Bomb, bomb, bomb — bomb, bomb, Iran.” … Hey, I’m just joking, Chris. I wouldn’t light up Teheran … unless I had a good reason.

***************

CHRIS BERMAN: Well, Sen. Obama, it’s been quite a game so far. You look like an athletic guy; did you ever want to play football?

BARACK OBAMA: Yes, Chris, I wanted to be a strong safety. … And speaking of that, I want to provide a strong safety net for the millions of Americans who have gotten the shaft from greedy CEOs on Wall Street …

…

I think it’s time to punt.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Great Debate!

Quick, the campaign event you have been waiting for is finally on!

It’s true, lucky voters. At 3:30 p.m. today, Libertarian Party presidential nominee Bob Barr, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader and Pastor Chuck Baldwin, the presidential nominee for the Constitution Party, will face off!

I know; you’re saying to yourself, “Finally we have a chance to hear from these important national leaders about major issues 'n stuff.”

OK, that was sarcasm.

What you’re probably saying is, “Why would I want to waste precious minutes on this earth listening to those clowns?”

That's understandable.

Barr is a right-wing windbag from Georgia who warmed a chair in the U.S. House from 1995-2003.

Nader is a consumer-rights windbag who has annoyed people ever since the Corvair was phased out in the ’60s.

Baldwin is a boring windbag from an obscure party. But I do know that he is not related to the famous Baldwin family of actors.

The Event of ’08 will take place at the City Club of Cleveland. Now you know why that town is referred to as, “The Mistake on the Lake.”

If you have nothing else to do, or you are sitting on Death Row waiting for that final walk, you can follow the, uh, action on the ’Net at http://fms.uakron.edu/applications/city_club_of_cleveland/live.htm

Be afraid; be very afraid.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Art/Life

It’s a free country, and you can vote for whoever you want. In fact, you should.

But please, please, please: Don’t be swayed by what some celebrity says.

Barack Obama has some solid endorsements, including a few Republicans, and that’s great for him.

He is also backed by about 95 percent of the Hollywood crowd. The list includes Robert DeNiro, Usher, Chris Rock, Ed Norton, Scarlett Johansson, Herbie Hancock, etc.

These people are famous for making movies or records. They may not have a coherent thought on anything else. They also come from a place that has a distinctly different — and warped — view of drugs, marriage and faith.

The best thing to come out of Tinseltown in this election was Paris Hilton’s spoof video. It was funny and creative. The rest of the Limousine Liberals have little or nothing to say to you that’s worthwhile.

And this applies to the handful of conservatives in Hollywood backing John McCain, like Kelsey Grammer and, well, I can't think of anyone else.

If you’re gonna be influenced by someone’s endorsement, make sure it’s something truly insightful and brilliant.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

McCain wanes

The election will be held in one week. Everybody in America seems to realize that Barack Obama will make history by becoming the first black president.

Well, everybody but one. John McCain, the other guy running, still thinks he’s gonna end up on top.

“Those polls have consistently shown me much further behind than we actually are,” he told NBC’s Tom Brokaw on Sunday, “We’re doing fine. We have closed (the gap) in the last week.”

John, John, John. It’s reality check time. You’re a great guy, a war hero and you’re married to a beautiful brewery heiress.

But you are falling like the stock exchange on a bad day. (Which has been most of the past month.)

Your chances of ending up in the White House are only slightly larger than Paris Hilton’s. (And she’s better looking, in a trampy sort of way.)

The only way you win is if the entire Electoral College flunks Math 101.

Face it; you’re going back to the Senate. (Which is more than we can say for your buddy, Ted Stevens. He going to prison.)

Your claims of impending victory are like saying, ... well, like saying the lowly Tampa Bay Rays would end up in the World Series!

… Hey, wait a minute! Maybe people should vote after all.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Relentless Ralph

You knew Ralph Nader would go down in history. And not just for SCREWING UP THE 2000 ELECTION!

No, Ralphie has found his niche in the Guinness Book of World Records. And not just for SCREWING UP THE 2000 ELECTION!

It seems that the Prince of Futility has officially made more political speeches in one day than anyone else. He uncorked nearly 300 minutes of air time at 21 separate towns in Massachusetts the other day.

First, what did those poor cities do to deserve the Ralph marathon?

I don’t know about you, but I would rather be waterboarded for 300 minutes than listen for that long to that smug, self-proclaimed expert WHO SCREWED UP THE 2000 ELECTION!

I know, I know. We shouldn’t hold grudges. If Al Gore had run a better campaign in 2000, he would have won anyway despite Nader’s kamikaze mission.

Still, he’s annoying, he keeps running for president every four years and HE SCREWED UP THE 2000 ELECTION!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Bush-whacked

The place: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

The setting: Breakfast, earlier this morning.

The participants: A married couple you are familiar with:

Husband: “Good grief, Laura! First Colin Powell, my original secretary of state, stabs me in the back and endorses Barack Obama. Now Scott McClellan, my last press secretary, has done the same.

“It’s not right, I tell ya. Whatever happened to loyalty?

“Oh, well. At least I can still count on you and the girls. … Laura? … Laura? … Where’d you go!?”

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Prisoner power II

My previous blog noted that inmates in Vermont and Maine can vote. Michigan might do them one better; it has a congressional candidate in prison.

I didn’t say one who belongs in prison (as many of them do). I said one who is already there.

The inmate/candidate is Edward Pinkney, who’s also a reverend, by the way. And I guess he doesn’t have much chance of winning Michigan’s 6th Congressional District since he’s only the candidate of the Green Party, not a Dem or Repub.

Still, it’s not your average race.

Pinkney first got five years probation for voter fraud — paying people to vote absentee and improperly handling absentee ballots. Then the dumb-ass violated that probation by threatening a judge. That got him 10 years inside.

On top of everything, his prison isn’t even in the district he wants to represent.

Geez, you’d think that even the Greens could find a better candidate. This clown makes Ralph Nader look statesmanlike.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Prisoner power

If you’re gonna go to prison, I recommend Vermont or Maine.

I don’t know if the chow or movies are better there, but you can vote.

That’s right, taxpayers. Those two states allow prison inmates to help choose our leaders — even murderers. In Vermont, the only crime that can keep you from getting a ballot is … election fraud.

You might think that inmates would be grateful for this perk, but you would be wrong.

“A lot of guys feel, being in jail, we get treated beneath other people when in fact we can be treated as equals,” said Elliot Russell, serving an eight-month sentence for aggravated assault.

Right, Elliot. You’re just like responsible people who obey the law, except you don’t. And on top of it, society discriminates against you for your lousy felony!

It ain’t fair. Then again, lots of politicians end up in prison for graft and corruption, so I guess it completes the cycle after all.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Hisses and misses

Boy, show-and-tell has changed over the years. And some kids are paying the price.

Take the Big Sandy school district in East Texas. Two high school students there were taken to a hospital on Monday … after being bitten by a cottonmouth snake in science class!

Seems that the teacher had mistakenly identified the critter as non-venomous. Can you flunk a teacher?

And this may just be a coincidence, but the district's Web site notes that this month's character trait is ... forgiveness. How convenient.

Big Sandy Superintendent Scott Beene, stating the obvious, said the district would review its policies about bringing animals on campus.

Good idea, Scottie. How'd you like to make that call to their parents?

"Uh, Mrs. Jones, Timmy will be getting home a little late today. ... What happened? ... Well, you'll never believe it, but ... "

I think we can safely assume that in the future, poisonous snakes are out in Big Sandy. Just to be on the safe side, I’d throw in wolves, bears and lions.

Oh, and I’d review the district’s comprehensive insurance policy too.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Dallas Drama II

As semi-predicted in this blog on Friday, the Dallas Cowboys were upset by the St. Louis Rams on Sunday.

OK, maybe it’s more accurate to say they were crushed like a bug or fed into the shredder, but you get the point.

So now Cowboys fans are wailing and gnashing their teeth. They wonder what went wrong. They wonder how to fix it.

The first part is easy. The second isn’t.

The problem with the Cowboys can be laid squarely on the shoulders of J.J.

And no, those initials don’t stand for Jimmy Johnson. If you’ll recall he won two Super Bowls in a row when he was rewarded by being fired. By the other J.J. Jerry Jones.

That is where the Cowboys’ problems reside.

Jones thinks he knows football, and he doesn’t. He wants to draft players, sign players, cut players and coach a little.

Because he doesn’t know what he is doing, the Cowboys haven’t been an elite team since the players that Jimmy Johnson assembled faded away. Remember, the ’Boys haven’t won a playoff game since forever.

On top of all his faults, Jones like thugs. He signs players who were dumped by other teams because they couldn’t get along, people like Terrell Owens, Tank Johnson and Adam “Pacman” Jones. These players don’t have the character to carry the team to the heights needed to win a Super Bowl.

So what to do? Well, wait, I guess.

As long as Jerry Jones runs the team and interferes with his coaches, it will continue to resemble a soap opera instead of a dynasty.

Maybe when he turns the team over to his son Stephen, the turnaround can begin.

Until then, look for a team that continues to make news for what it does off the field, not on. And teams like that don't win championships.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Dallas drama

If the St. Louis Rams upset the Dallas Cowboys this Sunday — hey, I’m just sayin’ it could happen — do you think:

Jerry Jones will say, “I need to stop interfering with Wade and keep my big nose out of the clubhouse!”

Terrell Owens will say, “I need to stop being so selfish and remember that this is a team sport!”

Tony Romo will say, “Playing quarterback in this franchise is like being ringmaster in a circus!”

Naw, I didn’t either.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Animal crackers

There’s wacky, and then there’s really wacky.

Take Jennifer Thornburg of Asheville, N.C. Or as she is now known after legally changing her name, “CutoutDissection.com.”

That’s right. Jenn’s an animal rights nut, and she thinks that cutting up critters (even if they’re dead and provide invaluable insight to students and doctors) is icky. Hence the name change.

One reason why Jenny may have gone over the edge at just 19 years of age is her super-tolerant parents.

Her daddy, Duane Thornburg of Daytona Beach, Fla., said, “I understand why she’s done it. Believe it or not, I totally respect it.”

Gee, Duane. If my daughter did something absurd like that, I don’t think I’d say, “I totally respect it.”

I think I’d say something like, “YOU %#@& IDIOT!!! WHAT THE %#@& WERE YOU THINKING!!!”

But that’s just me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Ringo no mo'

So Ringo doesn’t want to be bothered anymore by the people who made him rich ’n’ famous.

The former Beatles drummer posted a bizarre rant on his Web site telling fans that after Monday, he won’t give any more autographs or answer fan mail.

“It’s going to be tossed. I’m warning you with peace and love, I have too much to do. So no more fan mail. Thank you, thank you. And no objects to be signed. Nothing. Anyway, peace and love, peace and love.”

Leaving aside the inane and repetitive “peace and love” blather, this is a serious turnaround for Ringo.

When he did a guest spot on “The Simpsons” in 1991, his cartoon character was shown to be particularly sensitive to fan requests.

“They took the time to write to me, and I don’t care if it takes 20 years, I’m going to answer every one of them,” Ringo said then.

Now, as Homer Simpson might say, “D’oh!”

Whatever. A decree is a decree. I hereby vow to never again ask Ringo to scribble a little something on this or that.

(OK, technically I never did before, and no plans to do so in the future, but you know what I mean.)

Peace and love.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Pacman benched again!

Poor Pacman.

All that Adam Jones wants to do is be a football player by day and a thug at night, and mean ol’ commissioner Roger Goodell keeps raining on his parade.

Pacman was suspended yet again for yet another “incident,” as they are usually called in news reports.

This time — and he does get more creative each time — Pacman got into a fight with his own bodyguard hired by the Dallas Cowboys to keep him in line.

(Amazing. I don’t recall Bill Clinton or George Bush ever getting into a scuffle with a Secret Service agent.)

Now Grumpy Goodell has suspended Pacman for four games in this season. His latest problem came only six weeks after he was reinstated following a 17-month suspension.

If you’re keeping score at home, Pacman has been suspended for about as many games as he has actually played. I think that's some kind of NFL record.

Enabler-in-chief Jerry Jones, the Cowboys owner who eagerly signed Pacman over the offseason, mumbled the usual excuses. “I do agree with the commissioner in that he needs to address some things and show that he’s aware of that and address those things.”

Yeah right, Jerry. Get ready to say something like that the next time another chronic trouble-maker -- Terrell Owens -- goes off the deep end.

T.O. has been getting closer to another temper tantrum as the Cowboys founder, having lost two of three games. If the Rams knock them off in St. Louis this Sunday, look for fireworks.

Meanwhile, Michael Vick sits in a prison cell patiently (does he have any other choice?) and waits for the day when he will don the blue-and-white uniform of what was once called “America’s team.”

Monday, October 13, 2008

Atlanta, we have a problem

News item: One in three recent graduates of the Atlanta Police Academy has a criminal record.

Please note the word “graduates” in that sentence.

We’re not talking about morons who stumbled in off the street and applied for a cop job, maybe to win a bar bet.

We’re talking graduates, as in people who went through some type of vetting process and were determined to be the best candidates to be given guns ’n’ badges.

And of that sterling bunch, a third of them were rejected by other law enforcement agencies where they applied.

“Sorry, son. You’re not good enough to be a part-time constable here in Podunk. But you might try applying in Atlanta; I hear they’ll hire anyone.”

The Atlanta Police Department’s chief excuse-maker, Lt. Elder Dancy, who heads up recruiting, wasn’t bothered by the stats.

“We would like, in an ideal world, to see every applicant with a clean record, but obviously that’s not reality. I don’t think you’ll find any departments who hire only applicants with squeaky-clean records.”

The lieutenant is right; high standards make it hard to fill those vacancies and put someone — anyone — behind the wheel of a police car.

All I know is that if I ever cruise through Atlanta, I’ll be on the lookout for unsavory characters … and cops!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Strange Days

It’s official: We live in really strange times.

It’s weird enough that the Tampa Bay (not anymore “Devil”) Rays are in the playoffs, the stock market is plunging toward numbers last seen in the ’80s and a war hero is losing to a rookie senator.

Now Britney Spears is starting to make sense.

You read that correctly.

Britney, the original “pop tart,” said in an interview that will air on MTV on Nov. 30 that she was kind of wacky there for a while.

“I sit there and I look back and I’m like, ‘I’m a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?’ ”

That is truly odd.

If Donald Trump starts acting humble and Madonna endorses abstinence-only sex education and Manny Ramirez says he needs to straighten up, I’m outta here.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

You can't teach stupid -- Part II

Whether the old guy or the young guy wins a seat in the Oval Office for the next four years, he should nominate Paul Lenz to fill the next vacancy on the Supreme Court.

Why him? Well, Lenz, a judge in Eau Claire County, Wis., recently presided over the trial of one Shane McQuillan, 22.

Shane, who comes from the shallow end of his family’s gene pool, was convicted of ramming his car into a closed gate at a waste water treatment plant.

Maybe he didn’t quite get the difference between “open gate” and “closed gate.”

And yes, he admitted that he had been drinking before the March incident. (Surprise!)

Anyway, Lenz could have sentenced McQuillan to a day in jail. But he offered him an alternative, which he accepted:

Spending a day outside the waste water treatment plant holding a sign that reads, “I was stupid.”

Like I said, Lenz has Supreme Court material written all over him.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

You can't teach stupid

So what kind of an idiot would put garbage in a recycling bin?

Dunno, since you’d have to be an idiot to figure it out.

But I guess it’s the same type of idiot who would screw up a dozen other things while remaining blissfully ignorant of all the crap-trails he was leaving behind him.

Case in point: The temporary recycling center at the Market Basket grocery on Phelan Boulevard in Beaumont had to be closed right after Ike.

Why? Well, more than one extremely stupid person was putting garbage into bins designated for paper, glass, etc.

“People were throwing different food products in there, including spoiled meat,” said City Manager Kyle Hayes.

Jeez.

People like that need to evacuate during hurricanes so they won’t bother anyone else here.

And I’m talking far, far away.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Back in the saddle

I’m back, and Barry Bonds isn’t. Both things are good.

Yours truly returned to work and bloggerdom after a “hurrication.” A “hurrication,” of course, is a hurricane vacation.

That’s when you take off a week or two from work to fix up the ol’ homestead after a hurricane — so you can earn more money for next year’s hurricane repairs!

(I believe that’s what scientists call a “closed loop.” Or a sucker’s game. Whatever.)

Barry “BALCO” Bonds is in the news again, too.

The steroid slugger made a rare public appearance this week in San Fran, where he has been named the honorary chairman of that city’s Macy’s Christmas tree lighting.

I will ignore the fact that there has to be a better chairman no matter how much money Bonds has raised for the charity involved … and isn’t it a little early to be talking about Christmas (before Halloween!) … and I thought Macy’s was in New York.

No, my friends, the tasty morsel of this news brief was the claim from The Lyin’ King that he didn’t want to play baseball again.

“I’m happy now that I have more time,” Barry bleated. “I had fun. But I like my freedom.”

What a crock!

He wanted to play so desperately this year that he was begging any team to sign him for a rookie’s minimum salary, which barely covers his pharmaceutical bill.

And when he appeared at an event in in the Giants ballpark this summer, he pointedly declared, “I haven't retired.”

Whatever else happened in baseball this year, the season was a resounding success. Why? Because the free-agent home-run leader was not signed by any other team since A) he has a federal indictment hanging over him, and B) he is a loathsome person.

If the conclusion of his trial next spring ends with a guilty verdict, next year will be off to a great start too!

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