Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Be a safe 'Weenie!

It’s that time of year again, a time when folks are fearful and nervous, wondering if they will survive. No, not April 15! It’s Halloween!

By now most of us realize that those old stories about trick-or-treating kids getting apples with razor blades in them are phony.

Some hospitals used to give free X-rays of candy bags on Halloween but gave up because they never found anything.

Sure, there was that slimeball in Houston nicknamed “The Candyman” who killed his own son with poisoned candy and claimed the kid got it while trick-or-treating. Thank God he got the Mother of All Injections for that horror.

And no, when it happened, I didn’t worry if the dirtbag was suffering cruel and unusual punishment because the needle prick was somewhat unpleasant.

But hey, it never hurts to be careful. So when you take your little ones door-to-door tonight, here are five things to watch out for:

1) Houses bearing signs that read, “A registered sex offender lives here.”

2) Doors opened by creepy men wearing clothing that says, “I skinned a man alive and all I got was this lousy shirt.”

3) A house with an armored Humvee in the driveway with a “Blackwater Security” bumper sticker.

4) Doors opened by shifty-looking characters who say, “Sure, c’mon in! And don’t mind those blood-curdling screams coming from basement. … It’s, uh, my washing machine.”

5) And finally, please make sure to avoid those decrepit homes occupied by weird old men with 64 dogs — some dead, some alive, all mangy — or crazy old ladies with 64 cats — some dead, some alive, all mangy.

How will you know if it’s one of those homes? Well, a dead giveaway would be … the presence of dozens of dogs or cats — some dead, some alive, all mangy!

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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Ralph's return

Below is a legitimate news story … with the real truth (my comments) in parenthesis:

WASHINGTON — Consumer advocate and 2004 independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader (yes, that annoying jerk) sued the Democratic Party on Tuesday, contending officials conspired to keep him from taking votes away from nominee John Kerry. (Righhhttt; if the bigshots hadn’t stepped in, Ralphie would’ve won.)

Nader’s lawsuit (which doesn’t have a chance in hell) … also named as co-defendants Kerry’s campaign, the Service Employees International Union and several so-called 527 organizations such as America Coming Together. ... (Left out were the Flat Earth Society, the Temperance Union and the Committee to Eliminate the Designated Hitter in the American League.)

The lawsuit also alleges that the Democratic National Committee conspired to force Nader off the ballot in several states (because every vote that loser got helped elect Bush).

“The Democratic Party is going after anyone who presents a credible challenge to their monopoly over their perceived voters,” Nader said in a statement (though he never explained why the word “credible” should appear in the same sentence with his name.)

Among other things, the lawsuit alleges that the DNC tried to bankrupt Nader’s campaign by suing to keep him off the ballot in 18 states. (Why not all 50, Ralphie; can't you count that high?)

It also suggests the DNC sent Kerry supporters to crash a Nader petition drive in Portland, Ore., in June 2004, preventing him from collecting enough signatures to get on the ballot. (And let’s not forget the time the dry cleaner didn’t have Nader’s shirts ready or the time he ordered a pastrami on rye and got pumpernickel instead.)

DNC spokesman Luis Miranda declined comment on the suit (because he had 137 better things to do).

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Monday, October 29, 2007

3 quick hits

Mary, Mary quite contrary

Former Jefferson County employee Mary Darlene Koch was already in hot water.

She was accused of embezzling $77,000 from a county training account and fired. It is a second-degree felony.

On Monday, she failed to appear at a hearing in her case. So an arrest warrant was issued for her.

Somebody needs to tell Klepto Koch that there is a very technical legal term for what she is doing. It is called …

DIGGING THE HOLE DEEPER!!!


Another shocking announcement from a guy you didn't know was still alive:

Former rock ’n’ roll crooner Donovan said from Scotland that he is opening the Invincible Donovan University, where students will study transcendental meditation.

First, the kids these days don't remember Donovan, who goes all the way back to the Psychedelic Era of rock music. His big hits were “Hurdy Gurdy Man” and “Mellow Yellow.”

Second, Donovan knew he would get some snickers with this announcement. In fact, he said, “I know it sounds like an airy-fairy hippie dream to go on about ’60s peace and love.”

Wow, that’s spooky.

That’s the exact, literal, word-for-word reaction that millions of people had across the globe.


You can have my brew when you pry it from my cold, dead ... oh, heck, I need to go to the bathroom.

If you thought the politicians had some explaining to do over high gas prices, you ain’t seen nothing yet. A shortage of hops and soaring prices for barley and wheat could lead to — no, not famine, you idiot — something even worse … beer shortages!

That’s right, folks; we had the article in Sunday’s Business Section. Seems it costs more and more to make a good brew — and you can throw in higher costs for glass bottles and aluminum cans as well.

The brewmeisters can’t just pass along these costs to the average beer-swiller because there are so many brands out there that something is always on sale somewhere.

And contrary to the nonsense peddled in beer commercials, most drinkers are not fanatically loyal to one brand. They want something cold and beery; for most of them, one yellow-brown liquid is as good as the next.

They might even — gasp! — switch to wine or the hard stuff!

The outlook is grim. Even the big breweries are scrambling, and the micro-brewers are crying in their beer.

... Well, they would if they had any.

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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Betcha can't smoke just one

Who’d have thunk it?

The medical marijuana program in Oregon is going up in smoke.

The limited program that voters approved in 1998 has expanded, well, like a mushroom cloud.

Supporters said then that only about 500 people a year would need to smoke pot to get relief from terrible diseases like cancer, AIDS, multiple sclerosis, etc.

Oregonians, being a tolerant lot, said OK.

Nine years later, things have changed. A lot.

Today, the program has exploded to nearly 15,000 “patients,” as they are called in the Beaver State. Another 1,700 new or renewed applications are filed each month. These days, folks want legal weed to deal with conditions that aren’t exactly life-threatening, like back pain or menstrual cramps.

In three southwestern counties, an average of 1 resident in 89 is a card-carrying toker. (Must be a lot of sick folks there.)

More than 7,000 other Oregonians get pot privileges because they are “caregivers” to “patients.”

Cops estimate that 40 percent of the state’s licensed pot growers have broken at least one law — most commonly the one against growing too much cannabis.

That’s not surprising, since a pound of pot sells for about $2,500 on the streets.

Because of all this, some folks in Oregon want to repeal the program. Or at least scale it back.

But the pot smokers won’t hand over their joints and bongs without a fight.

I called up an old friend in Oregon who’s enrolled in the program (sinus condition, sore knees) and he seemed determined to defend it:

“Dude, it’s like, wow, let us do our thing, because we’re not, like, hurtin’ anyone, y’know? … I mean, it’s like, uh … what was I talkin’ about?”

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A last resort

A lot of rich people aren’t smart, but at least they know a little bit about money. After all, they are rich. If they don’t, pretty soon they become un-rich.

Like Stephen R. Smith. He’s the jillionaire (maybe former jillionaire) who poured a ton of money into a resort in West Texas. As much as $80 million.

The resort — actually, now it’s a former resort — had a 92-room hotel, fancy golf course, private air strip, etc. More goodies were planned — condominiums, a gated community, etc. — but they never happened.

The problem, as realtors say, was, “Location, location, location.”

The resort is squished between the Big Bend state and national parks along the Rio Grande River. The nearest big town is El Paso, and it’s not really near. It’s 300 miles away.

If you know anything about the geography of West Texas, it is basically a large, barren, sun-baked desert. Words like “desolate” and “Godforsaken” have been applied to it — quite accurately.

Back to the resort: It went bankrupt from a distinct lack of customers.

Last week, it was put up for auction. It didn’t sell.

Now I’m no expert in these things, but I have a hunch that the reason nobody wanted to pour any more money down that rathole is the same reason that the “resort” went bust in the first place, which of course is that …

IT IS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!!

Just another one to file under, “What were they thinking?”

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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Weather alert!

BEAUMONT — An outbreak of strange weather was observed in Southeast Texas on Tuesday. Instead of the steamy, fiery, sweaty, stroke-inducing conditions we usually struggle with, temperatures today were quite different. Old-timers refer to this odd weather as “not hot.”

This bizarre weather is not expected to last. Temperatures should be in the upper 90s tomorrow with sunny skies.

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Monday, October 22, 2007

Jail justice

I am sorry, in a vague way, that Jefferson County jail inmate Ronnie Tejada lost his legs due to complications from diabetes.

I am delighted, in a very enthusiastic way, that I don’t have to pay for his misfortune.

Tejada, of course, sued the county for bad medical care while in the slammer. Some folks were worried that the county or its health-care provider at the jail would get socked with a huge judgment … which would cause the county’s insurance/health costs to soar even higher … and encourage more lawsuits by other inmates.

Thank God common sense prevailed. Thank God a jury didn’t fall for Tejada’s sob story and throw him a pile of cash — thinking it was covered by insurance or was just sitting around in the petty cash drawer.

There is no free lunch.

If Tejada had collected a whopper of a judgment, it would have eventually come out of the pockets of every taxpayer in Jefferson County — most of whom contribute a lot more to the general welfare than a guy sitting in the klink on a charge of family violence.

The Enterprise covered this case well. I saw nothing that backed up Tejada’s claim. I saw several things which reaffirmed my belief that:

1) Lots of people with diabetes lose legs. That’s lousy, and it’s another reason to avoid this disease if you can.

2) Jail inmates should get good health care. But the notion that doctors and nurses should hover over these little darlings is absurd.

This country is still trying to figure out how to help hundreds of brave men and women wounded in Iraq or Afghanistan.

If you’re looking for someone without an arm or leg who deserves sympathy, look to them.

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Three quick hits

1) Strangest comment by a college student this week — hell, actually in quite some time:

After a skeleton was found during construction work at the University of North Dakota in Grand Forks, freshman Scott Eul, 19, was quoted as saying:

“It’s really scary. If it is a dead person, I hope it’s from a long time ago.”

2) Further proof that criminals aren’t really very smart:

A man in Santa Fe, N.M., was arrested Tuesday for violating his probation by possessing stolen property.

The bust occurred after Victor Lopez, 32, walked into a meeting with his probation officer with a stolen $2,500 Rolex watch on his wrist.

… Did they get the Beemer in the parking lot he just carjacked?

3) Scariest headline this week — hell, actually in quite some time:

(from USA Today Web site, Thursday, Oct. 18)

“Most fake bombs missed by screeners”

Seems that the security screeners at LAX missed three-fourths of the fake bombs put into their normal load of suitcases, purses, etc.

At Chicago’s O’Hare, it wasn’t much better; 60 percent of the fake bombs were missed.

I wonder if the supervisor of any of these highly trained barriers to terrorists said the next day during the morning staff meeting, “Hey, guys, we can do better than this! Let’s at least shoot for missing only half of the fake bombs, OK? Thanks; I'd appreciate your cooperation.”

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Home dentistry? No thanks!

Reason No. 837 to be against national health insurance:

That would be the headline on page 6A of Wednesday’s Enterprise:

“Shortage has Britons pulling their own teeth.”

That’s right, folks. Britain’s National Health Insurance Service is so inept that some Brits can’t find any dentists who participate in it. And if they can’t afford dentists in private practice, they do things like pull out their own teeth … or use super glue to hold down loose crowns!

Yikes!

Look, the health care system we have here in the states is not perfect. In fact, it’s far from that. It needs serious reforms — quickly.

But I do not want to rely on the government for health care. It will be worse!

I do not want to trust my life/health to the same bureaucrats who handle subsidies for mohair, tried to make us drive 55 mph and created a tax code that no one, not even the so-called experts, can decipher.

… By the way, this is the second blog in a row on the somewhat obscure topic of dentistry.

Coincidence … or conspiracy?

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Dental dread

OK, so we’ve got this icky dentist in Woodland, Calif., who feels up female patients.

That would be Dr. Mark Anderson, accused of fondling the breasts of 27 women who wanted him to concentrate on another part of their bodies — like their teeth, seeing as he is a dentist and all.

That’s creepy enough. But the story gets weirder.

Instead of admitting he’s a perv and begging for mercy, Anderson figures the best defense is a good offense.

He says massages of the pectoral muscles are legitimate therapy for something called TMJ, temporo-mandibular joint disorder, which causes head and neck pain.

If I were the judge handling that case, I wouldn’t know whether to laugh or retch.

But wait, it gets weirder still. One of the complainants, a 31-year-old woman, said Anderson fondled her AT LEAST SIX TIMES over two years.

She says she started wearing tight shirts with high necklines on her visits, but "Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra," according to a police report.

Women of America: If you go to a dentist and he gropes you, call the police.

Oh, and one more thing: DO NOT GO BACK TO VISIT HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN!

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Monday, October 15, 2007

Al Gore keeps winning!

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — (Surreal News Network) — Just days after winning the Nobel Peace Prize for his visionary work about global warming, former Vice President Al Gore also won Time Magazine’s “Man of the Year” for 2007 along with MVP in the National League and was declared People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

“I’m overwhelmed,” Gore said to cheering supporters at his Tennessee home. “I knew I had Man of the Year sewed up, but I was afraid I’d have to wait three more months and pretend that other people had a chance. … I really hadn’t played baseball since I was a kid, but if this award will further the battle against global warming, then the world will truly be a better place. … And my wife Tipper has always known that I’m one hot dude — that’s hot in a good way, of course, not in a bad way, like global warming.”

Gore, who also won an Oscar for his documentary film about global warming, “An Inconvenient Truth,” is also believed to be a strong candidate for MTV’s Male Artist of the Year.

More on this story as it develops.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007

He's baaack

If you're surprised at the coming return of radio shock-jock Don Imus, you haven’t been paying attention.

In this country, you can do some pretty stupid or disgusting things that should be career-enders. But after a few months of penance (real or fake), a carefully worded apology or two and an emotional plea for a fresh start, you’re back in the saddle.

Hey, even sports broadcaster Marv Albert slinked back to the booth after that embarrassing trial involving his former girlfriend. Yuck!

At least O.J. wasn’t able to weasel his way back into respectability. Thank God we still draw the line at murder.

For almost anyone else, though, it ain’t over til it’s over. Terrell Owens single-handedly destroyed the Philadelphia Eagles in 2005 with a world-class temper tantrum. Some naïve folks wondered if he would ever play again.

They were dreaming. As soon as T.O. was available, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones couldn’t wait to sign him.

Like T.O., the I-Man didn’t have to cool his jets for long. “Imus brings, potentially, large national advertisers,” said Tom Taylor of the industry Web site radio-info.com. “And there’s also syndication, not only on radio but television.”

Gosh, Mr. Taylor, do you mean that money is more important than principle in big-time commerce?

It usually is, of course. Imus also fared better than most temporarily disgraced celebs.

He got a multi-million-dollar settlement from CBS for letting him out of his contract. Now he apparently has signed an equally juicy gig with New York-based WABC-AM, owned by Citadel Broadcasting. He may end up making almost as much money in ’07 as he would have anyway.

One more thing about Don Idiot: His comment about the Rutgers women’s basketball team — nappy headed ho’s — was cruel and racist. He deserved a public spanking.

But what about the countless rappers, actors and comedians who use the same terms — or worse — all the time?

They are the people who put these words into the national vocabulary, where guys like Imus pick them up.

If we want to cure the disease — and we should — let’s go to the source.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Princess Diana: Dazzling, but still dead

I guess every country has to have one.

We had the Kennedy assassination. The Brits have the Princess Diana investigation.

Both are cut and dried. But both have hashed and rehashed more than anything except the Old Testament — and only because the first part of the Bible has been around longer.

Oh sure, lots of people think otherwise. But then, lots of people believe in astrology or think that reality TV is reality. Some folks just can’t accept obvious explanations.

To each his own. But if you’d like to save yourself some time, let me help you out:

JFK was not killed in an elaborate, multi-sniper conspiracy by the Russians/Mafia/Cubans that has been cleverly covered up for 44 years.

He was shot by a lone nut with a cheap rifle on the sixth floor of the building where he worked.

It’s a shabby way for a great man to be erased from history, but that’s what happened.

On the other side of the pond, Princess Diana and boyfriend Dodi Fayed were not murdered by the British secret service/the Mafia/Israeli agents in 1997 to cover up Di’s pregnancy or prevent her from marrying a Muslim or because Prince Charles was big-time jealous.

She and Dodi died because their loser of a chauffeur was drunk and careless while speeding away from the paparazzi and slammed their Mercedes into a concrete pillar.

It’s a shabby way for a glamorous couple to be erased from history, but that’s what happened.

JFK, at least, was a president. So his murder would have to be thoroughly investigated.

Princess Diana was not a world leader. Basically, she was really good looking and famous for being famous.

Incredibly, the Brits are going through a complex investigation about what really occurred in that tunnel in Paris.

Have at it, mate. I guess they could be wasting their time on something worse, like why their national sport of soccer is so boring.

But in the end, they will find that Di and Dodi died because their loser of a chauffeur was drunk and careless while speeding away from the paparazzi and slammed their Mercedes into a concrete pillar.

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

See ya, New York!

See ya!

That’s what the obnoxious Yankee announcer shouts when one of the team’s overpaid sluggers like A-Rod or Juicin’ Giambi hits one out.

Well, for the third year in a row, thousands of Yankee-haters get to say that to the Boys in the Bronx as they depart the playoffs in the first round.

See ya, George Steinbrenner!

It’s not really about baseball. As I blogged after the Mets collapsed, it’s about money.

Baseball is the only major sport without a salary cap. If an owner wants to, he can simply buy a championship instead of earning it the old-fashioned way.

That’s what the Yankees have done for years. They have highest payroll in baseball, $195 million.

That’s what the Mets have done lately too. They have the third-highest payroll overall ($117 million) and highest in the National League.

So it is delicious revenge for everybody outside the 212 area code when that cynical strategy fails.

The Mets never even made the playoffs, thanks to the greatest meltdown ever by a first-place team. (They blew a seven-game lead with 17 left to play.)

Now the Yanks get bounced again in the first round while Steinbrenner was getting fitted for another championship ring.

By the lowly Cleveland Indians — 22nd in team salaries, a mere $61 million, less than a third of the Yankee total.

How sweet it is!

As far as I’m concerned, this year’s baseball playoffs are already a success. Sure, my team didn’t make it and neither did yours.

But the New York millionaires won’t be in the World Series either. Hallelujah! And don’t even try to scare me the prospect of the mother of all nightmares, another “Subway Series.”

On top of everything, the Cubs and Phillies got swept too, and I’d be lying if I said I shed a tear over either one’s fate.

You don’t have to be Commissioner Bud Selig to proclaim, “The state of baseball is good!”

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Friday, October 05, 2007

Doh! The news as delivered by Homer Simpson

Sometimes, you read or hear something on the news that’s so silly it seems like a joke. But you go back over it again, and it was indeed supposed to be serious. For example:

The presidential candidates recently released another round of fundraising reports. GOP Sen. John McCain said the amount of cash he brought in really wasn’t important.

“If money mattered, I think (Nelson) Rockefeller would have been president,” he said.

Gee, let’s figure this one out. There are two kinds of candidate reactions to these reports:

A) This group is delighted at how much it raked in and crowing about its success.

B) This one is embarrassed at how much it collected and coming up with excuses.

If you don’t know which group McCain belongs to after that comment, you probably shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Then there’s the continuing soap opera with former NFL star Ricky Williams.

Ricky is taking a temporary vacation from the NFL due to some legal difficulties. But he has applied for reinstatement, and his agent is optimistic.

In fact, agent Leigh Steinberg went so far as to say, “Ricky is extremely excited about the prospect of playing in the NFL again and hopeful for a positive response.”

Uh, Leigh, let’s be careful with the P-word there. The reason that Ricky is out of uniform, of course, is his tendency to produce positive drug tests.

Finally, we have the mysterious Israeli raid on a suspected WMD facility in northern Syria. Neither country has said much about the incident, and what they have said has been doubletalk.

For example, Syrian President Bashar Assad said recently that the Israelis had merely bombed an “unused military building.”

Bash, buddy, I don’t know what the building was. But I highly doubt the Israelis would take huge risks to bomb an empty building.

I will concede one point, however.

After being blasted to hell by one of the best air forces in the world, you can bet that whatever was there before is now indeed an “unused military building.”

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Wednesday, October 03, 2007

It's never a fair trade-off

I live in Groves and work out at the Exygon gym in Nederland. So almost every day I go through the intersection of Twin City Highway and Nederland Avenue. That’s where Bryan Turner of Nederland was killed last year, on April 8.

He was only 18. He had just picked up a pizza in the same shopping center where the gym is at. He was going home, through that intersection, when he was murdered.

The only merciful thing about it is that he probably never knew what hit him.

What hit him was a speeding car containing two dirtbags who had been robbing people with box cutters in the parking lots of convenience stores. After the third such robbery, and the second on Twin City Highway, deputies started pursuing them.

The punks fled on Twin City Highway, going nearly 100 mph, at one point heading northbound in the southbound lane. At the intersection of Nederland Avenue, they ran a red light and smashed into Turner’s Scion broadside. I heard that the Scion was nearly squished flat.

Humberto Cuevas Jr. and Romualdo Fuentes pleaded guilty this week. Each has to serve at least 20 years in prison. And since they are 21 and 22 respectively, that means that they won’t breathe free air until they are middle-aged. Both could be deported after that.

It’s a fair sentence, but in one sense it means nothing. It’s isn’t a fair trade-off — punishment for them in exchange for an innocent person losing his life.

Those two could spend the rest of their lives in prison at hard labor on bread and water. It wouldn’t come close to making up for what they did.

I will say it again: Brian Turner was only 18. He had just graduated from Nederland High School. He had a universe of adventure ahead of him.

He had just picked up a pizza. All he wanted to do was go home and eat it — and live the rest of his life.

He never made it. It’s not right.

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Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Celebrity shockers

I don’t know what to think any more.

Kevin Federline has just been declared the more responsible parent of his children.

I did not believe I would read those words in this lifetime.

If K-Fed is now the brains of the outfit, what’s next? What other shockers could await us in the morning’s paper?

Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if I soon read …

TEHERAN, Iran — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stunned many of his countrymen this week when he admitted during an interview, “Really, if you think about all the dumb stuff I say and do, the threats, the Holocaust denial — and don’t forget my goofy clothes — the only conclusion you could reach is that I’m a silly little turd.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Bush announced today that after a great deal of reconsideration, “We probably should have had some kind of plan about what to do in Iraq after we took down Saddam. Hey; my bad! Too bad we can’t get a do-over with that one.”

SAN FRANCISCO — Former Giants slugger Barry Bonds acknowledged today that he had been using performance-enhancing drugs for years. “Was I juicing? Hell yes! Did you think I was going to play by the rules like all those other chumps? … Why are looking at me like that? Did I stutter?”

NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a candid interview, Sen. Hillary Clinton admitted that her first reaction to the Monica Lewinsky scandal was not as calm as many had believed. “Let’s just say that the next morning, Bill got his pot of bubbling hot coffee bright and early — right where he needed it.”

LOS ANGELES — Paris Hilton confirmed today that she was indeed just as stupid as many people believed. “I don’t know doodly. Things just enter my head and rattle around like marbles in a, you know, whatchamacallit? … By the way, is it true that MTV is going off the air because of, like, that global warming thing?”

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Monday, October 01, 2007

An amazin' mess

You don’t have to be a sports fan to love the collapse of the New York Mets.

It all comes down to that familiar thing — money.

The Mets have the third-highest payroll in baseball ($117 million) and the highest in the National League.

The Dodgers — who also collapsed (sweet!) — had the second-highest payroll in the National League ($108 million) and fifth-highest overall.

Above the Mets are only — who else? — the Evil Empire Yankees at $195 million and the Red Sox at $143 million.

Gee, I wonder if Boston’s massive payroll had something to do with them winning their division for the first time since 1995?

Back to the Mets: They were supposed to cruise to first place in the NL East.

They did that last year, with a big payroll, and they added even more top-dollar free agents before this season began. Like the Yankees, they had big names and big salaries at almost every starting position.

But all that money couldn’t buy an inning of postseason time.

The Mets were in first place by seven games with only 17 left to play. Somehow, the gang of millionaires couldn’t close the deal.

It was the worst collapse in baseball history, and I loved every excruciating minute of it.

The Phillies, with a mid-level payroll of 13th highest, surged and passed the Big Apple’s big bucks.

Something like that will restore your faith in human nature. Underdogs can win, and snooty favorites can fold.

I hope the Yankees crater in the playoffs too — precisely because they have so much more money and talent than anyone else.

Can anything make the Mets’ mess more amazin’?

Well, on Sunday, the last day of the season, when they could have at least assured a tie for first place by winning, the Mets were thumped 8-1.

The team that beat them? The Florida Marlins, the squad with the lowest payroll in the National League.

Ka-ching!

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