Back On Earth: 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Be back Jan. 4

It's time for one last "stay-cation" for '09.

I hope you had a blessed Christmas and will have a great new year. See you on Jan. 4

Until then, eat at least five servings of fruits or vegetables per day, perform at least 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise each day and floss rigorously every night. And drink plenty of water.

Unless you don't want to.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Silly Swedes

It’s one thing to be persistent. No one likes a quitter.

But sometimes, you gotta face facts and throw in the towel. Or in the case of Gavle, Sweden, throw in the goat.

In that Swedish town, a giant straw goat is built each year as a Christmas tradition.

Don’t ask me why. Hey, we have some strange Christmas traditions too – like big discounts on large-screen TVs.

But for 24 times since the first straw goat was set up in 1966, some idiot has burned it down. According to the news story, “It has also been smashed several times, run over by a car and had its legs cut off.”

In other words, it’s a moron magnet. Inevitably, a bunch of Swedish kids get drunk or stoned and say to each other one night in late December, “Hey, let’s go burn down the goat!”

(OK, they probably say it in Swedish, but you get my point.)

And my larger point is that it’s hopeless. The thing has been torched so many times – and the night blaze is probably pretty impressive – that it’s a wonder it makes it through any Christmas at all.

For a couple of years town officials doused it in fireproof chemicals. But that made it "look like a brown terrier instead of a yellow straw goat," so they stopped that. And the burning resumed.

The way I see it, the Gavle town council needs to either make the goat out of metal, so it won’t burn, or fill it with TNT so it will wipe out the arsonists.

Or give up the tradition altogether and start offering big discounts on large-screen TVs.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Athlete of the Year II?

In this space yesterday, a wise scholar opined eloquently about the AP’s choice for Male Athlete of the Year.

OK, it was me and I was just blogging, but the AP has done it again. It’s made a shaky choice for Female Athlete of the Year.

This time, the brain trust at the Associated Press chose Serena Williams as the leading lady of sports.

In terms of her accomplishments, she deserved it. Serena won two Grand Slams (Wimbledon and the Australian Open), and lost in the final of the other two. She and her sister Venus also won three Grand Slam doubles titles.

Unfortunately, it was Serena’s performance in one of the two individual Grand Slams that she lost that throws cold water on this choice. And that would be her crude, profanity-laced tirade at a lineswoman who dared to call a foot-fault on her.

For that little stunt, she got the biggest fine ever in women’s tennis and two years of probation at Grand Slam events. But it was not enough to deprive her of this title.

Apparently, if you’re a big enough sports star, the rules can be bent.

In fact, it’s hard to find a mega-jock who actually gets the punishment he/she deserves for various outbursts, embarrassments and crimes.

And, let’s be frank, it was a weak year for this competition.

How weak? Try this: The runner-up was a horse.

That’s right, No. 2 was Zenyatta, a 5-year-old who ended her 14-0 career by becoming the first filly to win the Breeders’ Cup Classic.

What a year in sports. A guy who sits throughout all of his competition won Male Athlete of the Year, and an animal came in second on the women’s side.

2010 has nowhere to go but up.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Athlete of the Year?

It’s been a bad year for awards. Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize without doing anything to deserve it. Ditto for Time naming Fed chief Ben Bernanke as Person of the Year.

And now a race-car driver has been named Male Athlete of the Year by the Associated Press.

Say it ain’t so, somebody.

Granted, Jimmie Johnson is a great race-car driver. He runs circles around the competition.

OK, I guess all NASCAR drivers run circles, but you know what I mean.

The problem with calling him an athlete is that he sits down while he’s doing his job.

Call me a traditionalist, but an athlete is someone who runs, jumps or does something with a ball.

A guy who does what a taxicab driver does is not an athlete – even if he does it really well.

Heck, I think golf and bowling barely qualify as truly athletic events, but I’ll let ’em in.

The real athlete of the year was Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, who set amazing records that may never be equaled – and demolished the previous record times while doing so.

Bolt’s runs were something that happens once in a generation in his sport.

J.J. is the first race-car driver to win this award in its 78-year history.

Let’s hope he’s the last.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Tiger's troubles

When Tigergate broke, all the taking heads assured us it wouldn't affect Tiger Woods' "marketability" or his "brand."

That was a dozen bimbos ago.

This thing is getting raunchier than a bachelor party at a biker bar.

Every day seems to bring another trashy gal, another sordid twist, another tease about nude photos of Tiger or romps in his own home or God knows what.

If a fourth of this stuff turns out to be true, Tiger's image will not recover. Nor should it.

And keep in mind we are still in the early stages of this soap opera. The tell-all books, the revealing interviews, the divorce drama have not even begun. 2010 could be the real Year of the Tiger.

Well before this onslaught, it has slowly sunk in to John and Jane Q. Public that Tiger had a Jekyl and Hyde personality.

It is hard to remember any celebrity who had a bigger difference between his squeaky clean public persona and his nasty private life.

Some day Tiger will presumably go back to winning tournaments and cementing his reputation as the greatest golfer ever.

But it will never be the same.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Happy talk

Happy holidays. And I mean it.

Once again, federal employees trying heroically to burn through this glut of unspent cash that is choking our treasury, have come up with their annual happiness survey of the 50 states and the District of Columbia.

And there are smiles all around. Well, in the “happy” states there are. In the “non-happy” states, there are mostly frowns.

The three happiest states are Louisiana, Hawaii and Florida.

No surprise there, unless you thought the Hawaiians should have been on top. I mean, all they do down there is sip fizzy drinks with umbrellas in them on while lazing on beautiful beaches as suntanned bodies cavort around them – with a peppy Don Ho tune in the background. If that doesn’t make you happy, you need to check your pulse.

As for Louisiana being No. 1, well, that’s not unexpected either. Louisianans are glad they are not in Mississippi and happy they are close to Texas. (We came out a respectable No. 15, so take that Oklahoma, No. 21.)

Floridians were in a good mood this year. If you survey them in a year when they have been creamed by several hurricanes, the rating would be a tad lower.

The three unhappiest states were Michigan, Connecticut and New York.

Michigan, I feel sorry for. Ten years ago, it was the car capital of America. Now it’s the bankruptcy and unemployment capital of America. Big difference.

But as for Connecticut and New York, serves ’em right.

How would you like to live in state that few people can spell?

And New Yorkers have finally figured out that the rest of the country does not envy them or want to live in their frozen, polluted, high-tax state.

Below is the entire list; read ’em and weep. Or smile, if your favorite state is near the top:

1. Louisiana
2. Hawaii
3. Florida
4. Tennessee
5. Arizona
6. South Carolina
7. Mississippi
8. Montana
9. Alabama
10. Maine
11. Wyoming
12. Alaska
13. North Carolina
14. South Dakota
15. Texas
16. Idaho
17. Vermont
18. Arkansas
19. Georgia
20. Utah
21. Oklahoma
22. Delaware
23. Colorado
24. New Mexico
25. North Dakota
26. Minnesota
27. Virginia
28. New Hampshire
29. Wisconsin
30. Oregon
31. Iowa
32. Kansas
33. Nebraska
34. West Virginia
35. Kentucky
36. Washington
37. District of Columbia
38. Missouri
39. Nevada
40. Maryland
41. Pennsylvania
42. Rhode Island
43. Ohio
44. Massachusetts
45. Illinois
46. California
47. New Jersey
48. Indiana
49. Michigan
50. Connecticut
51. New York

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dead drunk

You gotta hand it to Chinese police captain Xie Feiyong and the family of the late traffic officer Chen Lusheng.

They gave it the old college try. They tried to get ol’ Chen honored as a police “martyr.” Instead the big shots found out that “Chugalug” Chen died from a drinking binge.

Oh, how our idols crumble.

The sordid truth is that Chen got dead drunk at a banquet after work, barfed, passed out on a couch and suffocated.

Not very glamorous.

But Chen’s captain knew that wouldn’t look good in The Official Report. And Chen’s family wanted a bigger payout for the loss of their loved one.

So they tried to say that Chen checked out in a work-related incident and was therefore some kind of hero. They basically blurred the lines between honoring the fallen and getting falling-down drunk.

Tsk, tsk.

Good thing the higher-ups wouldn’t play along. They preserved the glory of real heroes, and they didn’t waste The People’s taxes.

And they also don’t have to create a new badge featuring crossed shot glasses.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Casino battle royale

Say what you will about the French – and we all have – at least their judicial system still functions well.

For example, “A French court has split the jackpot from a casino slot machine between the woman who put in the money and the man who pulled the lever, ending months of argument between the two.”

Talk about your wisdom of Solomon. At least this is better than the court’s other option, which was seizing half the money for taxes and letting the peeved pair fight it out over the rest.

The duo should be satisfied with the decision. This way, each gets a million Euros, which is worth nearly $1.5 million in ’merican money.

Hey, they should be embarrassed to admit that it took two of them to operate a slot machine. … How do they handle cell phones or microwave ovens?

Next time they go casino-hopping, they should either draw up a detailed contract beforehand or simply split up with a handful of coins and head for different machines.

That’s the way a lot of couples do it on the boats across the river, under the theory that it “doubles their chances.”

Most times, it simply speeds up the emptying of their pockets, but I guess it wouldn’t be as much fun.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Panda matchmaking

Whatever happened to the good ol’ days, when visits by foreign leaders focused on trade, treaties and other “serious” subjects?

Now big shots from China and Australia are giving romantic advice to panda bears.

It's true; FDR and Churchill must be rolling over in their graves.

On a recent visit to the land Down Under, Chinese Ambassador Zhang Junsai dropped some heavy hints to a couple of pandas loaned from China to the Aussies.

"Who can rule out the possibility that the lucky girl will fall into the net of love and later have a lovely baby?" Zhang said. "This would be a great achievement of the joint Australia-China conservation program."

Pul-lease. Then the Aussie governor-general started sounding like Ann Landers, "Look after yourselves, keep healthy and active, eat your greens and maybe, when the time is right, think about starting a family,"

Hey, what about flossing after meals?

I say let Nature takes its course. If the pandas want to hear the pitter-patter of little claws around the den, they’ll make their move.

If not, well, there’s a new Duggar in this world every time you turn around.

… And by the way, who had the bright idea to name one of these pandas “Wang Wang”?

Friday, December 11, 2009

Hey 19

Those darned Duggars are at it again!

And by “it,” I mean that whole be-fruitful-and-multiply thing.

Mama Duggar has just given birth to her 19th (!) child. If this keeps up, their reality show will need a spinoff.

Gee whiz; haven’t these breeders ever seen the old TV show “Eight is Enough”? Guess not, as that was 11 kids ago.

You’d think that Mrs. D would be worn out by now.

She needs to tell hubby more often, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache FROM TAKING CARE OF 19 KIDS!”

Santa needs to bring Mr. D a vasectomy for Christmas.

Having a large family is one thing.

Having your own Zip Code is taking the concept a little too far.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tattoo you

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, well, you haven’t.

Like the thugs in Florida who have convinced a gullible judge to hire a cosmetologist at up to $150 a day to apply makeup to cover up their thuggish tattoos during their murder trial.

Seems that if the thugs looked like thugs, with their tattoos of swastikas and cusswords standing out, well, jurors might be more inclined to convict them.

So somebody’s hard-earned tax dollars will be spent to prettify the thugs and give them that choir-boy look that goes over a lot better.

What a load of crapola.

If they didn’t want to look like scummy crooks, they shouldn’t have gotten tattoos in prominent places.

Since they did and now have buyer’s remorse, they can cover ‘em up with bandages – or slather on their own makeup!

And if that somehow violates their precious rights, which I’m sure it does, the judge could issue them the hoodies that lowlifes love to wear.

I hate to see where a precedent like this will lead, but it won’t be pretty.

Whatever happened to the phrase that thousands of judges and moms and bosses have used for years:

“You want what? Hell, no. Sit down and shut up.”

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Tarnished Tiger

There is one good thing to come out of the Tiger Woods/2:30 a.m. crash/mistress fiasco.

And that would be that a member of the U.S. House is abandoning his bizarre effort to bestow the Congressional Gold Medal on Tiger.

Yes, Rep. Joe Baca (D-Calif.) is finally conceding this bogey.

The star-struck rep is withdrawing the bill he had filed “To provide for the award of a gold medal on behalf of the Congress to Tiger Woods, in recognition of his service to the nation in promoting excellence and good sportsmanship, and in breaking barriers with grace and dignity by showing that golf is a sport for all people.”

Yikes. Doesn’t this clown have anything better to do? Doesn’t he have any shame? Doesn’t he understand that this prestigious award is meant for truly special humanitarians and heroes, not jocks?

Of course the answers to the above questions are “no,” “no” and “no.”

Wacky Baca should have been censured by his House colleagues for Extreme Stupidity when he proposed this nonsense.

Then again, if a congressman got censured every time he committed Extreme Stupidity, nothing would get done in the House or Senate. (Which might not be a bad thing.)

Oh, and upon further review, I’d like to amend my previous statement that this is the only good thing to come out of the Tiger Woods/2:30 a.m. crash/mistress fiasco.

Another good thing – if you’re not Tiger or his poor wife, that is – is that late-night comedians now have lots of juicy material to work with.

And Tiger will have to very careful at future press conferences on how he uses words like “stroke,” “ball” and “shaft.”

Hey, someone had to point that out.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Delay of game

You gotta give Anthony Pierce this:

He may be a low-life killer, but he’s pretty good at avoiding the consequences.

How good? Try this: He’s been on death row … for nearly 32 years!

That’s right, taxpayers. More than three decades after he was convicted of killing the manager of a fried chicken joint in Houston, Tenacious Tony is still hanging on.

Or our boneheaded legal system is letting him hang on. And it’s not over yet.

An appeals court is going to hear new arguments that he had poor legal help in the past and is mentally impaired.

Are they serious?

I think the record reflects that Pierce had pretty darned good legal help over the past 32 years. That would be because his legal help has kept him alive for the past 32 years.

And how many times do you think these exact same arguments have been hashed and rehashed over the past 32 years? This guy has had three separate trials!

Sheesh. Can this story get any crazier?

Well, yes it can.

Back in 1979, soon after arriving for what would be a very, very long stay on Death Row, Pierce fatally stabbed another inmate!

And he still avoids the death penalty, decade after decade.

What a farce. Whatever you call this, it isn’t justice.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Back in the saddle

Like "Dugout Doug," I have returned.

Only not to the Philippines, but to bloggery.

Speaking of time off, does this ever happen to you?

When you're getting ready for a "stay-cation," you wonder how you will fill the time.

When it's over, you wonder how it zipped by so fast and why you didn't get everything done.

Hmmm.

That's all for now.

Something profound and provocative will be posted later. I hope.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

See ya on Dec. 8

Taking some time off; I believe it's called a "stay-cation."

Will post then; be good.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The case of the felonious fiancée

So it turns out that Cristal (actual spelling) wasn’t in it for the money.

Or so she says.

Cristal Taylor, formerly the alleged fiancée of Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki, said in a jailhouse interview that she still loves the big guy “very, very much.”

Personally, I have my doubts. I think she was enamored of Dirk’s dough, but that’s just me.

Though it doesn’t matter what I or anyone thinks about this, because Cristal is going to be on the sidelines for a while instead of competing with Mark Cuban to be the most annoying person at a Mavs’ home game.

She facing a legal charge (or two), and she’s already a guest of Missouri taxpayers for the next five years due to a previous misunderstanding.

Poor Cristal. On the other hand (literally) she got to keep the $190K engagement ring that Dirk slipped on her finger one starry night.

That ain’t too shabby. And if Dirk is still burning the candle for her when she becomes a free woman, well, perhaps their love can blossom again like a long-dormant desert flower. Or something.

… You don’t think Dirk would be that dumb, do ya?

Monday, November 23, 2009

Bake the bird

You wanna know what’s wrong with this country? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with this country:

Some idiot in Massachusetts wants to spend $2,600 so her pet turkey can have cataract surgery.

Why? ‘Cause the turkey – she’s named it Jerry – can’t eat or go flying with his female turkey friend, which she has named Penelope.

Awwww.

So she posted an ad on Craigslist asking for donations to pay for cataract surgery for poor Jerry.

This is utter nonsense.

That $2,600 could provide real health care for a real human being in need, not some stupid bird.

Yeah, I know we all waste money in different ways. But treating pets like people in this extreme way is just flat out wrong.

There is no shortage of turkeys in this world – those with names or those without.

“Jerry” should be laid out on a wood block, separated from his head with a sharp cleaver and then plucked, gutted and stuffed.

Then he should be baked at 400 degrees with a delightful yet restrained array of seasonings until his white and dark meat are nicely done and separate from the bone with minimal effort.

If “Jerry” could take one for the team like this, he would make a real contribution to life as we know it.

Until then, he’s just making fertilizer we don’t need.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

No complaints here

OK, maybe Congress isn’t entirely worthless.

For example, at least we have Rep. Emmanuel Cleaver who is pushing to have the day before Thanksgiving declared the nation’s official “Complaint Free Wednesday.”

It’s about time.

Congress has declared special days/weeks/months for everything else imaginable. There’s even a National Rutabaga Appreciation Week.

OK, there isn’t. But there could be, ‘cause lots of other silly things get honored.

At least a Complaint Free day has some logic behind it.

For one blessed 24-hour span, you couldn’t carp about the recession, gas prices, global warming, instant replay, Snuggies, anyone named Kardashian, Starbucks, the Detroit Lions, vampire movies, the war of 1812, Vladimir Putin, sour milk, Henny Youngman jokes, twist-off bottle caps, hurricanes, Bigfoot, warranties that expire too soon, the European Union or the bitter dispute over the Florida recount in 2000 that seemed to last forever.

For one peaceful moment in the space/time continuum, we would be grateful for what is good and sweet and pure instead of resentful about what is bad and smelly and annoying.

And the kumbaya feeling would naturally carry over through Thanksgiving Day.

But on Friday morning, it would be open season again on anything and everything.

I can’t wait. … Did I mention that I can’t stand anyone named Kardashian?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Do the crime, do the time

I’ve mentioned this old joke before in this blog, but a current news item demands a replay.

(Hey, if TV can do it, why can’t I?)

The news blurb is that an elderly gentleman is robbing banks in the San Diego area.

The robber in question has been christened – what else? – the “Geezer Bandit.”

Gramps has knocked off five banks since the summer. Maybe he pulls a job when the Social Security check is late.

Whatever. The old joke goes like this:

A 90-year-old man robbed several banks but was eventually caught, tried and convicted. He was standing before the judge about to be sentenced.

“This is pretty serious,” the judge said as he went over the records. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to sentence you to 20 years in the state prison.”

The old thief was appalled.

“But judge,” he protested, “I’m 90 years old. I don’t think I can do 20 years!”

The judge, a thoughtful man in his own right, paused for a few second before replying:

“Well, then just do the best you can.”

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Un more time

It’s happened again! And by “again,” I mean for the second time (that I know of) since 2000.

A politician has “unconceded” an election.

Al Gore first plowed this embarrassing ground in 2000 when he conceded Florida and therefore the whole election to W.

Then he thought about it some more, and he unconceded. (Instantly cheesing off W., who was probably already starting to draft his inaugural speech.)

Sort of like Kerry in ’04, who voted for the bill before he voted against it.

Anyhoo, this time, it’s that darned 23rd House district in upstate New York.

On election night, Nov. 3, Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman conceded to Democrat Bill Owens.

Since then, however, Hoffman has realized that 10,000 absentee ballots remain to be counted, and he’s down by only 3,000 votes.

Hence his unconcession.

Who knows how this will play out. But what if Hoffman really does end up losing?

Will he concede again? Does he re-concede or just recede? Or un-unconcede?

Or just admit he’s a dumbass who jumped the gun?

I guess this is why “unfriend” was named the word of the year.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Army brat

I have a bad feeling about this one.

I fear that Army Spc. Alexis Hutchinson is going to come out of this one a hero or a victim, when the only person she can blame for this mess is herself.

Hutchinson is an Army cook and a single mom. Bad combination, especially since her unit was supposed to deploy to Afghanistan.

Hutchinson didn’t make the flight because she would have had to turn over her 10-month-old son to foster care. She didn't have anyone else who could take care of him -- like a husband.

In one sense, that bites. Who would want to give up his/her kid?

But, hey, Hutchinson didn’t work in just any job. She was in the military. As such, she should have known from Day One that having a baby without a husband could create some major problems.

But I guess we’re long past the days when you could lay down common-sense rules and expect people to follow them.

Today, everybody has a right to everything. If you deny anything to anyone, you’re the bad guy.

Sure, unwed births happen. But as much as possible, every child should grow up in a stable home with a mommy and a daddy.

That’s good for the woman, the man, and most importantly, the innocent child.

In this case, it's also good for the U.S. Army

FEEDBACK: Whaddya think? Does she deserve sympathy or a court martial?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Flu & you

With so much going lately we sort of lost track of swine flu. But it’s still out there, getting stronger, waiting to drop the hammer on a nation already reeling from unemployment and terrorism (and the end of the baseball season).

Or is it?

The question remains: Will swine flu be big 'n' bad, or about the same as most flu strains?

So far, no one knows. And so far, swine flu has sickened nearly 22 million Americans and killed nearly 4,000.

That’s grim, but not as bad as what was predicted. And not much worse than a “normal” flu season.

The good news, sort of, is that most people who get swine flu become only mildly ill and don’t even need a doctor’s care.

But the numbers are expected to get worse as the winter drags on. And we still don’t have enough vaccine for those who want it. (Like me!)

I will keep trying to get the magic inoculation. With my luck, that might be April, when the epidemic is over.

But I do know this:

In recent years I have gotten flu shots and didn’t get the flu. But in earlier years I didn’t get flu shots … and didn’t get the flu either.

If Obamacare can solve those kinds of riddles, I’m all for it.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The sludge keeps flowing

What is this, dirtbag-o’-the-day?

We have the Fort Hood horror. We have the mastermind of the D.C. sniper attacks finally getting the needle. Now we have more lurid revelations about the Cleveland serial killer.

Sort of makes you nostalgic for Balloon Boy or Jon & Kate.

The Cleveland killer, Anthony Sowell, murdered at least 11 women and buried them in and around his home. The key words there are “at least.”

The toll is still being added up as bodies – and parts of bodies – are being found.

The latest development is that the stench around his home is growing stronger, which of course suggests more secrets remain to be uncovered.

And the cops are just starting to look into the abandoned house next door, which may hold other surprises.

Ick.

No telling how this one will play out.

But when Doctor Death from Fort Hood recovers from his wounds, the feds ought to stick him in the same cell with the creep from Cleveland.

That ought to make both guests of the taxpayers keep one eye open at night.

And if one of ’em tries to practice his specialty on the other, well, that’s the way the scales of justice tilt sometime.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

One down, one to go

Finally, the mastermind of the D.C. sniper attacks met the same fate he bestowed on 10 other people.

The victims of John Allen Muhammad were completely innocent, of course. He was guilty as hell, of course.

Two words: Good riddance.

Funny, but I can think of another mass killer with a Muslim name who’s been in the news lately.

I can’t say I’ll be happy if/when the Fort Hood coward meets the same end. Let’s call it grim satisfaction.

Muhammad got the needle only seven years after his killing spree. In this country, that’s warp speed.

Let’s see if we can take care of this one a little quicker.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Gorby & The Wall

Amidst all the gloom over the monstrous killings at Ford Hood, it’s hard to get too excited over anything else in this country or abroad.

But the fall of the Berlin Wall was truly one of the most wonderful days in modern history. It was worth a 20th birthday party on Monday.

Ironically, the current German chancellor, Angela Merkel, was one of the thousands of deliriously happy East Germans who poured through the gates that magical night.

She and the other dignitaries said a lot at Monday’s celebration. One of the things she said was that former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev deserved special praise for his role in bringing about the end of the hated wall.

"You made this possible — you courageously let things happen, and that was much more than we could expect," she said of him -- and to him, since he was there as well.

Fine. It was a big party, and everybody was in a good mood. Anybody who wasn’t named Josef Stalin probably would get something nice said about him.

But no one should ever forget that Gorby never wanted to end the Soviet Union and communism. He wanted to “perfect” it, to make it more humane.

Which of course is impossible, because that whole crappy system was built on denying people real liberty.

As soon as the mental and physical bonds were loosened a bit, East Europeans and Russians were not satisfied with a little freedom, a little justice, a little prosperity.

They understandably wanted it all, and that’s why the Evil Empire crumbled soon after the wall came tumbling down.

So say what you want about Gorby and the other socialist “reformers.” They were much better than the thugs they succeeded, but don’t put them on a pedestal.

In the end, they were simply useful idiots who helped get us from there to here.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Fort Hood horror

The facts are still trickling in on the wicked shootings at Fort Hood. There’s a lot we don’t know, and may never know.

Here’s something we do know: The person or persons responsible for this are the lowest of the low.

Sick haters like that are disgusting enough.

When you compare them to the decent, principled men and women who have sacrificed so much to serve our country, the gap between shooter and victim is beyond comprehension.

May God bless all those targeted by this cowardly attack.

The grief over this one extends far, far beyond Fort Hood.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Cash candidate

I guess the words “normal” and “Texas governor” just can’t seem to find themselves in the same sentence.

Don’t take my word for it; ask Farouk Shami.

He is, if you’ve been waiting for a white knight, the latest person/character/candidate to make a run for the governor’s mansion. (Which, if I recall correctly, is gutted, unoccupied and burned.)

Shami is described as a wealthy “hair care executive.” This is ironic because the current guv, Rick Perry, is sometimes called Gov. Goodhair.

Anyhoo, Shami says he will spend $10 million of his own money to oust Perry. With all that cash, you might think he’s an Elephant, but he will run under the Donkey banner.

Shami says he is “100 percent sure” he will be the next guv. I would put his odds a little lower. OK, a lot lower.

Let’s face it, the man does not have name recognition. And the name he has is not yer basic Texan.

When some Texans hear “Shami,” they’ll think “Shamwow.”

My advice would be to rethink this whole thing and save $10 mil. His kids will thank him for it.

At this rate, Kinky Friedman could end up as the most trustworthy candidate.

And you thought politics was boring.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Talk is cheap

As the World Series shifts to New York for crucial games 6 and maybe 7, millions of baseball fans are anxiously asking:

Will the Yankee’s catcher keep going out to the mound during the game and wasting so much danged time?

Yes, sports fan, it was not your imagination. The World Series games were dragging along at a languid pace – even more so than usual.

In Game 4, catcher Jorge Posada trotted out to chat with pitcher C.C. Sabathia a mind-boggling total of eight times in one inning.

Good grief. I have less contact with some of my family. (And that’s not a bad thing, but that’s another blog.)

Posada lamely defended his Dilbertian obsession with meetings: “It’s just part of the game. We want to talk with each other so we know what we’re doing.”

Jeez, Jorge, you’re playing a freakin’ game! Stop jawin’ and start throwin’.

And let’s face it, many of these meetings were simply not necessary.

Posada later confirmed that during some of the confabs, he and C.C. discussed whether they would have fish or chicken after the game, debated the science of global warming and kicked around some early Oscar picks.

The game is slow enough as it is. Slow it up even more and I believe time will stand still.

On the other hand, at least the endless meetings delay the inevitable Yankee victory and the endless crowing from their obnoxious fans on how great the team is.

New Yawkers really should be high-fiving the Steinbrenner family for writing all those big checks and buying a championship.

Wait’ll next year. Cards in six.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Cruisin' for a bruisin'

Sometimes, size does matter.

But if you’re going on a cruise ship for a week or so to get away from it all and relax, do you really wanna pick the world’s largest cruise ship?

Apparently, the brain trust at Royal Caribbean International thinks so. They have just launched the world’s largest cruiser, and it’s a monster.

How big? Try five times the size of the Titanic. It’s 40 percent larger than the next biggest cruise ship.

It can carry 6,300 passengers and has a crew of 2,100. The danged thing is 20 stories high!

And it has seven “neighborhoods,” a golf course and an ice-skating rink.

In other words, it’s like a lot of cities. Which I believe is what people go on cruise ships to get away from.

They named it Oasis of the Seas. I would have chosen Colossus of the Seas.

And I will not choose to book passage on it.

If I want to spend a lot of money and eat strange foods and be surrounded by tons of people, I’ll go to a pro football game like everybody else.

And I won’t get seasick.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Taking a bite out of crime

The stupidity of criminals never ceases to amaze. And when you throw in weird state laws to prosecute idiotic crooks, you’ve got a doozy of a tale.

Like the guy in Florida who tried to steal a ferret by shoving it in his pants and running out of the pet store.

Needless to say, the dumbass got bitten. In parts of the body where you don’t want to get bitten.

Uh, what did he expect? This has to be the worst possible combination of A) the animal chosen to be stolen, and B) the place to put it.

(A close second would be putting a boa constrictor around your neck and running out of the pet store.)

But wait, there’s more.

When a witness confronted said thief, he whipped out the ferret and shoved it in his face.

Which under Florida law, is classified as using the ferret as a “special weapon.” So he gets a shoplifting charge and a battery charge.

Can it get worse for this moron? You betcha!

You know he’s going to hear over and over in jail, “Hey, dude, is that a ferret in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?”

Serves him right. … Hope he gets community service at the animal shelter and has to clean out dozens of stinky dog cages. And maybe a ferret pen or two.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Food fight

Is there no end to the problems from the obesity epidemic that threatens to bury our fair nation beneath a mountain of blubber?

Now an accused killer in New Jersey (where else?) is claiming he was too fat to do the deed.

It’s true, calorie-counters.

Ed Ates (don’t you love that last name?) claims he was too tubby to run up a flight of stairs, pump a bunch of bullets into his son-in-law, bend over to pick up the shell casings, run back down the stairs and drive for 21 straight hours to his mom’s home in Louisiana!

For the record, he was packing 285 pounds of beef (and some flab) on his 5 foot 8 inch frame.

His lawyer claims Ates’ weight and other health problems should rule him out as Suspect No. 1.

"You look at Ed and you don't need to hear it from a doctor," the attorney said.

I dunno. When a person – even a fat person – is motivated enough, he can do some amazing things.

The judge ought to order a little test on big Eddie:

Make sure he misses a few meals in jail. Then let it casually slip out that three or four Big Macs, a couple of orders of fries and a large Coke are available on the second floor.

If fatso stays put and salivates, he just might be innocent.

But if he bounds up the stairs like an NFL lineman chasing Brett Favre, I say fry him.

… After sautéing him in a light butter sauce, of course.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hoax busters

The Heenes of “Balloon Boy” fame are sweatin’ it out.

They are, of course, the Colorado clan that believes, “The family that fakes together stays together.”

Prosecutors are still trying to decide whether to indict the Mom & Pop Balloon Shop for that little distraction they caused recently.

Felony or misdemeanor? Multiple counts or one? The nation’s legal system – and “Larry King Live” – are waiting anxiously.

My inside sources say the charges could include any of the following:

1) Having weird names. “Heenes” rhymes with wienies. ‘Nuff said there. And the 6 year old who was supposedly floating up, up and away is named “Falcon.” Uh, are his brothers “Eagle” and “Hawk”?

2) Spilling the beans too quickly. If they had milked the scam a little longer, they could have pushed the World Series to the background and we wouldn’t have had to watch the Yankees gloat.

3) Failing to ask if they could go into some silly rehab program like all the other celebrity losers to beat the rap.

On the plus side, they have introduced the odd term “Balloon Boy” to the national lexicon and provided lots of kids with nifty ideas for Halloween costumes.

I say the judge should sentence them to 100 hours of community service and order them to make TV commercials warning impressionable youngsters not to do stupid things.

… Wait, the whole thing was designed to get them a reality show, wasn’t it? OK, then drop the TV commercials and assign them to litter pickup along a desolate stretch of highway.

And double the sentence if they claim to see Bigfoot while they are out there.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Silent partner

I guess you could call it reverse embezzlement.

A guy in New Jersey drew a paycheck for five years from a company he never worked for.

Sounds hard to believe, but apparently one Anthony Armatys, 35, of Palatine, Ill., benefited from some very sloppy bookkeeping.

Seems he was temporarily hired by a telecommunications company in the Garden State in 2002. But then he changed his mind and quit.

However, the company computer had his name in the system, so being a dumb computer, it kept sending paychecks to his bank account. To the tune of $470,000 over the years!

Sort of direct deposit-plus. Ca-ching!

Incredibly, the scheme went on for five years until “auditors” at the company wised up. I put “auditors” in quotation marks there because it took them five years to figure out they were paying a guy who never showed up. (And you thought some folks at your job were bad.)

If I was head of this company, I’d be too embarrassed to admit that I let something that dumb go on for that long.

And was it right that Absentee Andy had to plead guilty to one count of theft as part of a plea bargain?

He had a sweet deal drop into his lap, and all he said was nothin’.

At least they should have let him keep part of the loot.

For all anyone knew, he was a “consultant.”

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Clean 'n' mean

Hugo Chavez really is a tyrant.

Now he wants Venezuelans to take showers in 3 minutes.

Clearly, he’s all wet. He says if Venezuelans cut out the singing, they can get hosed down in 180 seconds.

“Three minutes is more than enough. I've counted, three minutes, and I don't stink," he claimed.

Well, on something like that, you can’t trust your own nose. You have to ask the person standing next to you. He or she might have a different opinion about your B.O. factor.

For most people, 3 minutes is just the warm-up phase of a shower. That’s barely enough time to get wet, find the shampoo and curse somebody for taking the loofa and not putting it back.

All of this is just another reason to be against commies and dictators, not to mention commie dictators, of which Chavez is both.

Remember that this moron dissed President Bush at the U.N. a few years ago, saying he could smell the devil’s sulfur after Bush spoke.

Hugo, there was a different fragrance in the air, and it came from you.

Maybe for his next bathing experience, ol’ Hugo could take a dip in a deep part of the Gulf of Mexico.

If he ended up as shark supper, everybody would be happy.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Cloudy future

Is nothing sacred?

Now the Weather Channel is going to show movies!

That’s right, barometer-breath. The Weather Channel wants to boost its ratings, so it is going Hollywood.

First up, of course, is “The Perfect Storm,” starring George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg. I would guess that would soon be followed by “Twister” starring Helen Hunt and “Purple Rain” starring Prince.

OK, maybe not that last one, but you know the list is endless.

This is not right. When I want to watch a movie, I flip to the American Movie Channel.

When I want to know what the weather is, I turn to the Weather Channel. (Sure, I could stick my head out the door and see if it’s raining, but sometimes that’s too much effort.)

If the Weather Channel is going to show movies, pretty soon it will be like all the other channels with sports, news, commercials and even reality shows. Which pretty much destroys the logic of a Weather Channel.

Granted, I never thought you could fill 24 hours with endless reports about weather, but the Weather Channel did – though lately more filler has been creeping in.

All I know is that the next time a hurricane is threatening, I don’t want to turn to the Weather Channel and see a message at the bottom of the screen that reads, “Stay tuned for reports on the killer storm that is homing in on you like a guided missile after this special broadcast of ‘A River Runs Through It’.”

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Curb your enthusiasm

I guess Evan Schuler’s dream of being a police officer has been stomped flatter ’n a pancake.

Like the opossum he took care of the other night.

You see, Eager Evan was on a “ride along” with a cop in Danville, Va. That is where a civilian sits alongside a cop or deputy to see the drama and glory of law enforcement up close and personal.

That’s what ol’ Evan was doing when he saw a possum on a fence. Faster than you could say “Miranda rights,” he got out of the car and proceeded to stomp the critter into a lifeless, mushy pulp.

Why, no one knows. This is like whipping out an Uzi to scare off a door-to-door salesman. Basically what the dictionary defines as “overkill.” Or “acting like an idiot.”

In fact, not only did the ride-along end abruptly for Evan, he was charged with animal cruelty.

Tsk, tsk. Any dreams he had of a career in law enforcement are pretty much crushed (like the possum's skull). I guess he could also rule out any jobs with the local zoo or animal shelter.

... Wonder if this guy eats roadkill or something?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Boomerang

So after several decades of sponsoring terrorism across the globe, Iran is suddenly ticked off that a few of its own crazies got taken out by a suicide bomber.

Pardon me if I don’t shed any tears. In fact, it’s hard to keep from jumping up and cheering.

The carnage in question occurred last week in an Iranian town near the Pakistani border. A dissident group of Sunnis is suspected, but whoever did it studied the Iranian playbook well.

The suicide bomber struck a high-level delegation of Revolutionary Guard commanders. Those are the real haters who run the country and make sure to crush anyone who might get uppity ideas about freedom.

The bomber hit the jackpot. He killed at least 42 people, including five senior Revolutionary Guard officers.

Yeah, I know, you’re not supposed to do the wave at times like this. But the Revolutionary Guard in Iran is responsible for thousands of deaths just like this via the terrorist groups it arms from Afghanistan to Algeria.

Finally, they got a taste of their own medicine.

Hope they choked on it.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Trust but verify

I haven’t been this stunned since I learned the truth about the Easter Bunny. Brace yourselves:

Tabloid newspapers print all kinds of crap that isn’t true.

You read that right. A British filmmaker has admitted duping tabloids by planting all kinds of fake stories.

He and his cohorts would phone in some nonsense — like Amy Winehouse’s beehive hairdo catching fire — and it would be in print the next morning.

Again and again they lobbed false information like grenades of deception over the walls of truth. Again and again it was printed and taken as gospel by the people who buy tabloids at checkout stands.

I feel violated. I’ve gone my whole life believing that Elvis appears now and then, that aliens abduct night fishermen, that secret machines are still being discovered in the pyramids and that Marilyn Monroe was killed by the CIA because she was in on a plot to kill JFK.

Now, apparently none of that is true. … Maybe the part about Marilyn Monroe, but not the rest.

What a sad day. Next you’ll be telling me that half the crap on the Internet is bogus too.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Mr. Big

This guy was a big criminal. Literally.

Stephon Turo, a drug dealer being sentenced in Auburn, N.Y., weighed about 600 pounds.

He was hauled to court on the back of a pickup truck. He was sentenced near the loading dock. Then he was loaded into an ambulance with the help of 10 people and shipped to prison.

Talk about your scales of justice. I think the judge was just happy to get rid of him before lunch.

The real question is, how could tubby Turo commit any crimes?

The news story said he “suffers from various staph and strep infections, kidney failure and can walk only a few feet, even with the assistance of other people.”

Still, prosecutors said he was selling prescription drugs from his home for nearly 10 years.

I’m guessing he didn’t mess with diet drugs.

The next question is, what do you do with a lump of lawbreakin' like that?

I don’t think he could share a cell with anyone. And you’d have to keep him on the ground floor.

On the plus side, if the prison had a football team he could play “offensive line.”

And I don’t think you’d have to worry about him tunneling to freedom.

Since he’s got a two-year sentence, the prison shouldn’t feed him until he gets out. That would get him down to normal size by his release date, and save taxpayers a few bucks too.

Just call it “weight management” if the ACLU squawks.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Pouting Polanski

Poor, poor Roman Polanski.

The brilliant director is said to be glum about his continued incarceration in Switzerland for that little incident way back in ’77 (the rape of a 13-year-old girl).

“I found him to be tired and depressed,” his lawyer said. He added that the Artistic Genius “was in an unsettled state of mind.”

That is, of course, unfortunate. No matter how much other Artistic Geniuses in Hollywood and Paris demand his immediate release, the petty Swiss seem determined to keep Polanski in the slammer.

Moreover, they will probably — gasp, horrors! — stick him on a plane for the states, where he will spend many, many more days behind bars.

They’re not even buying his solemn promises to stay in Switzerland if they let him out on bail!

Is that any way to treat an Artistic Genius!

Uh … yes.

Polanski has dodged justice on this one for 32 years. But the old man stupidly went to a country that will extradite him. So now he’s basically screwed, blued and tattooed.

How sweet it is.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Buffaloed

It was a truly senseless crime.

That would be, of course, the theft of a statue of Thurman Thomas.

You see, for some reason a wood carver in New York created a huge statue of the former Buffalo Bills running back. No one seems to know why.

The Bill and Thomas are only known, to the extent they are known at all, for losing four Super Bowls.

This is not the sort of thing one tends to memorialize. I mean, when was the last time you were in the William Jennings Bryan presidential library?

Even more absurd is that then someone stole the thing. And it was not easy, as it stood 8½ feet tall and weighed over half a ton.

And they took it the day after it was unveiled! Were they worried that another gang of thieves would beat them to it?

If that is the only thing worth stealing in Orchard Park, N.Y., that town is in serious trouble.

The only logical answer here is that someone wanted to stock up on firewood for the coming brutal winter in upstate New York.

Even then, if I was the owner and I got a ransom call, I'd tell the crooks, “We can discuss a price … but only if you pay me to take it off your hands?”

Friday, October 09, 2009

Three-time loser

If you’re gonna fiddle with homemade explosives, you really should be careful.

A crook named Ben Kuzelka wasn’t, but that’s no surprise. He already had a pot-growing operation at a home that was licensed by the state as a day care center.

Kuzelka’s hat trick of foolishness was uncovered this week in California when he blew off most of one hand. He told the emergency room doctors it was a gunshot wound, but they were suspicious.

To them, and anyone who didn’t have the benefit of medical school, it looked waaay more like the whole thing was darn near blown off.

So they called the cops, the cops searched his house, and they found the indoor pot farm right by the day care.

Maybe Kuzelka though it would be a selling point for hip parents: Drop off the kid, pick up a lid.

At any rate, he will now have a lot of time to think about the error of his ways … and why many idiots who fiddle with homemade explosives are often nicknamed “Stumpy.”

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Northern exposure

Like many of you, I was shocked at the news that the guy who almost married Sarah Palin’s daughter was going to pose nude for Playgirl magazine.

Who knew that Playgirl was still around? I though it fizzled out in the ’80s with other tacky rags like “Oui.”

Wait, there’s more; this story is disturbing on other levels as well.

Who on God’s earth wants to see Levi Johnston in the buff? His sole claim to fame is knocking up Palin’s daughter.

He couldn’t even complete the second half of the double play; he didn’t even get hitched to Bristol, whom I believe is named after a city in Connecticut. For that matter, I believe the father of her child is named after a brand of blue jeans.

Can this tale get worse? As Sarah would say, “You betcha!”

The news story said that “To get ready for his close-up, Johnston is training three hours a day, six nights a week at an Anchorage gym with a local body builder.”

In other words, instead of looking like the pudgy, untoned kid he is, he will look sort-of hunky for the photo shoot. Whatever happened to truth in advertising?

You know the day after the pics, he will go back to Ding Dongs and Dr Pepper.

Yet he will carry around copies of Playgirl and show them to impressionable girls in dingy Anchorage bars (yes, I know that is redundant), who will think they are getting the chance of a lifetime with Someone Glamorous.

Sad. Very sad.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Buccaneer’s luck

There must be a worldwide outbreak of stupid this week.

Now we have Somali pirates who attacked a French warship in the Indian Ocean because they thought it was an unarmed cargo vessel.

Not smart.

On one side, we have a handful of lightly armed pirates on two skiffs.

On the other side, we have an 525-foot naval vessel filled with dozens of French sailors.

You make the call.

Maybe the Somalis believed all that talk about the French being more inclined to surrender rather than fight.

As it is, one skiff got away in the skirmish and it took the French an hour to run down the other one.

Or maybe the French warship didn’t look like a warship because of that café on deck with a bunch of guys wearing berets and a bunch of gals in tight skirts drinking wine.

... OK, I made up that last part, but with the French, you never know.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Take the money and run II

In yesterday’s contribution to blogitude, we lamented the poor state of modern robbery.

After reading the tale of woe of a certain Susan Stanford, we can add that the art of divorce isn’t what it used to be either.

Susan is the former wife of disgraced billionaire R. Allen Stanford, who is facing many years in a small room with iron bars for a $7 billion (!) Ponzi scheme.

Because of that little problem with the law, R. Allen Stanford is now so broke he needs a court-appointed attorney.

Serves him right — and the same goes for Susie. You see, she stopped living with R. Allen 15 years ago. For some reason, she never got around to divorcing him. It could be because he agreed to keep writing laarrrge checks each month from the proceeds of his, uh, business venture.

Anyhoo, now that R. Allen is a non-billionaire, Susan is mighty cheesed off. She realizes she should have taken the money and run when R. Allen still had money to take.

In fact, she is now suing her former divorce lawyer for not telling her about an alleged $200 million offer that R. Allen dangled a few years ago.

Frankly, they deserve each other. The news account says that before the feds looked at the books, R. Allen “lived in the Caribbean with a series of younger women with whom he has fathered several children.”

Now, of course, both of them have pretty much nothin’. I think that’s what English teachers call “poetic justice.”

Monday, October 05, 2009

Take the money and run

Once again we return to a common theme of this blog:

Robbers or robbery victims who just can’t seem to get it right.

Previously, we have discussed robbers who are too lazy to get out of their cars in the drive-through lane — and use a knife! Or young robbers who get beat up by old victims.

The latest affront to Robbery Etiquette comes from Waterloo, Iowa. A crazy-looking man stumbled into a convenience store and started rambling as he held his hand in his pocket.

The jumpy clerks, having been knocked off twice in recent months, didn’t fool around. They knew it was another heist, so they started giving cash to the thug. In fact, they threw a bag of money at him.

One small problem. It wasn’t a robbery. The friendly neighborhood creep was just another drunk.

To prove it, he didn’t take the money and run. He just walked out, whereupon he was promptly arrested for “public intoxication, disorderly conduct and interference.”

I didn’t know that interference was a crime in Iowa. I know it’s a defensive foul in football that causes a first down, but a crime, no.

At any rate, this whole sordid mess just reinforces a lingering problem we have in this country these days: We can’t even have a proper robbery without one party or the other goofing up. What happened to the good ol’ days, when stickup men were men and frightened clerks were glad of it?

... I just hope Osama bin Laden isn’t watching.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Comrades not welcome at glorious people’s parade

The Red Chinese held a big ol’ parade on Thursday through the heart of Beijing. It was the 60th anniversary of the founding of their glorious people’s republic.

But there was a curious thing about the huge spectacle; no spectators were allowed.

That’s right, proletarian breath. As the AP said, “Most people in the capital could only watch the elaborate ceremony for the founding of the People’s Republic unfold on national television, as tight security excluded ordinary people from getting near the parade route through Tiananmen Square.”

Now whether you’re in Buna or Beaumont, you’re probably thinking, “What the heck is wrong with them darned Chinese? What good is a parade without parade-watchers?”

Well, my friend, the answer is that the one thing the commissars fear most in the people’s republic … is the people!

The Chi-Coms know full well that if they let average citizens assemble and speak out, they could have a nasty replay of the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989, when the ungrateful people started clamoring for freedom, democracy and other dangerous Western notions.

Even though the Chinese government is relatively loosey-goosey for your average commie dictatorship, it doesn’t want the people getting a bunch of uppity ideas. Public gatherings are tightly monitored and few organizations are allowed to exist outside the loving embrace of the Big Red Machine.

Hence the non-crowd at the big parade. I guess it's what you'd call a Communist party.

… On the bright side, if you were one of the few carefully screened guests allowed curbside, you probably got a whole bunch of candy from the nice lady throwing handfuls of it from the Tribute to Collective Farming float.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Mind games

If there’s anything better than a good cat fight, it’s a good psychic fight.

And a real barn-burner is going on in normally placid Connecticut.

First one psychic in the Constitution State said she was beaten up by a thug sent by rival psychics. Maybe she was horning in on their territory or getting the best booth at the state fair. Who knows.

At any rate, the alleged victim was Janet Lee, who bills herself as the “foremost psychic in New England.”

That’s juicy enough. But now Lee has been charged with lying about the incident.

Hoo-boy. This raises a reeallly obvious question.

Lee, for example, said she suspected rival psychics in the alleged beat-down because some people were leaving threatening phone messages — and this is a verbatim quote from the news story — “but she did not know their names."

Uh, why not? She’s a psychic, ain’t she? And not just your run-of-the-mill palm-reader/fortune-teller, but the “foremost psychic in New England.” Why can’t she just scrunch up her special brain and spit out their IDs?

Right now you’re probably thinking, “Hell, she can’t do that because she’s no more a ‘psychic’ than I’m an astronaut.”

I'm thinking the same thing. But then, you probably read my mind on that one.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Four on the floor

A Toyota was involved in a nasty crash recently in which the floor mat may have jammed the accelerator.

That’s bad. What happened next is a major overreaction.

Before we get to that however, it should be noted that a stuck accelerator is every driver’s nightmare.

I believe you are supposed to shift the transmission into neutral or turn off the engine when that happens.

Plan B would be running into something soft, or at least non-hard. A gently sloping pond or a wide expanse of desert comes to mind, but I know they aren’t always around when you need 'em.

Personally, I hope I never have to deal with a car going 90 mph and me and the passengers screaming like the front row of a Jonas Brothers concert. Driving on “the tunnel” on I-10 through Orange was adventurous enough.

Anyway, in this case Toyota is reacting to the problem by recalling the whopping number of 3.8 million vehicles. That is — drum roll, please — the largest auto recall in U.S. history.

Wouldn’t it be simpler for Toyota to mail owners a coupon for free mats, or ask them to drop by the dealer for a switcheroo?

Or, easiest of all, tell drivers to cut about 3 inches off their floor mats.

Whatever. By the way, with all the brilliant engineers at Toyota who have produced one of the finest automobile lines in the modern era, how come nobody noticed the stupid floor mat was too long?

Monday, September 28, 2009

Deal with it , Stanford

This is one of those tales where you have to read between the lines. The first sentence from the AP story says it all:

“Texas financier R. Allen Stanford has been returned to a lockup after being hospitalized for treatment of a concussion following a jail fight.”

What happened is something reminiscent of Tom Wolfe’s novel “Bonfire of the Vanities.” A rich guy with manicured fingernails goes to jail, where he is brutalized by the street punks who populate most “correctional facilities.”

At one level, you feel sorry for the rich guy. He’s already behind bars, and now he has to deal with thugs and creeps who want to do bad things to him.

On the other hand, it’s kinda hard to feel much sympathy for sharpies like R. Allen Stanford. (And why do so many tycoons have first initials followed by an actual name?)

Stanford is charged with running a mind-boggling Ponzi scheme that sucked in $7 billion. Not million, billion.

Investors in the “Stanford Financial Group” have been reamed. They will see little of their money ever again. Maybe none of it.

Yeah, maybe some of them were greedy and believed the typically ridiculous claims of double-digit returns every year.

But darn it, the story behind the story on scams like this is people losing their life savings or money they planned to retire on. We're talking thousands and thousands of folks like your parents or that nice old couple down the street.

The scum who knowingly bilk decent people of money like that deserve to go behind bars for a long, long time.

And if they get roughed up by low-lifes and goons while they’re there, well, that’s just too bad.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Man on fire

Faithful readers of this blog will recall my rant on Monday about a bunch of Hungarians who got together to set the world record for “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”

That was mildly eccentric. This other world record is flat-out lunatic.

And that would be, of course, the record for the most people on fire simultaneously.

No, that is not a misprint. On Saturday, 17 people in Ohio will try to carve out a place in history by becoming the largest number of people performing a full body burn simultaneously.

And if you can believe this, the fun-fest was co-organized by the Ohio Burn Unit.

Ouch. This sounds like a reaaallly bad idea, but one news account says reassuringly about the group, “They have all practiced and been set on fire individually over the past 8 months in preparation for this.”

Uh, exactly how to you practice being set on fire? On second thought, I don’t want to know. I would surmise that their favorite movie is, "Up in Smoke."

I wish them luck, I guess. Their prize ought to include a free therapy session at the nearest psychiatric clinic.

… And by the way, this may seem harsh, but wasn’t the world record for the most people on fire simultaneously set in Dresden, Germany, on Feb. 13, 1945?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Going postal — big time

We are not surprised when we learn from time to time that postal carriers have been stealing mail instead of delivering it.

We have come to expect such behavior because A) some people are crooked and because, well, B) the Postal Service is the Postal Service.

But what can we make of Myles Weathers, a former carrier in Massachusetts? He pleaded guilty this week to stealing more than … 30,000 DVDs he was supposed to deliver!

This has to be some kind of world record. Weathers wasn’t just a thief, he was a conglomerate.

And why did it take Netflix, the company being ripped off, so long to figure out it had a problem? As many as 100 DVDs a week were disappearing into the void.

Jeez, how many times can you watch “Iron Man” or “WALL-E”?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The mystery behind Cooper’s canning

So the Houston Astros have fired another manager for poor performance. Nothing unusual there; it happens every few years.

What is surprising about the canning of Cecil Cooper, however, is the timing.

The team pulled the plug on Monday, just 13 games before another miserable season staggered to a close. Why not wait until then, like virtually every other team that is going to change managers?

General Manager Ed Wade gave a completely ridiculous non-explanation: “I thought it was going to be awkward to go all the way to the end of the season, come back from New York and make a move. The practicality of it didn’t make sense and now we can put Dave (Clark) in place, we can have a different set of circumstances working here for two weeks.”

Read through that again and see if it “makes sense.” If you don’t want to waste the time, that’s understandable. It doesn’t have any logic, especially that convoluted line about how “the practicality of it didn’t make sense.”

The real reason the Astros fired Cooper on Monday is that after his latest loss, his career record stood at 171-170.

I really think they wanted to make sure he ended his career with a winning record — even by one game. It’s even possible that Coop was consulted on the timing and he agreed it was better to go out with a plus record.

Crazier things have happened in baseball.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Broken record

Apparently all the important world records have already been set.

We are reduced to competition like “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”

You read that right, Guinness-breath. A bunch of Hungarians got together on Sunday to see if they could collectively make their mark on history by becoming “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”

They did, in fact. A total of 5,317 of these losers, I mean world record-holders, gathered together to draw in chalk along the Andrassy Boulevard in Budapest. They smashed the previous record of 3,652 people drawing in one place at one time. (Personally, I knew that record would never last.)

What’s funny, or I mean even funnier than the goofy record itself, is that this mass drawing was held during something called European Mobility Week to — now get this — raise environmental awareness.

First of all, drawing on pavement does not promote mobility. I’m pretty sure you have to sit or squat in one place to do that.

Secondly, how in the name of Gaia does this “raise environmental awareness”? If anything, it sounds kind of eco-unfriendly. The first rain will wash all that chalk into storm sewers and probably kill salamanders or something.

If those darned Europeans want to “raise environmental awareness,” they should do what we do:

Observe something called Earth Day in which we drive our gas-guzzlers to a a pretty park to sip overpriced water from non-biodegradable bottles and walk all over the grass and listen to speakers telling us to reduce our carbon footprint.

At least the sidewalks are free of silly scribblings when it’s over.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Ahoy, mateys

As if we don’t have enough holidays to deal with, Saturday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

That’s right, you landlubbin’ sapsucker. Bring me a noggin’ o’ rum or I’ll run ya through!

That is pirate lingo. If I knew any more, I’d let you have it. Perhaps it’s a good thing that I don’t.

At least all you have to do on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is talk like a pirate. I don’t think you have to give gifts or send cards. (Rum drinking is encouraged, however.)

But we have to be careful with letting just anyone add another holiday to the chock-full calendar, even one as, uh, interesting as this one.

Even Congress has a committee that decides when to celebrate National Rutabaga Day to make sure it doesn’t conflict with Barn Appreciation Week.

So have a grand fest, and may the devil take your soul if you ever give quarter or ask for it.

I’ll see you on national Walk Like An Egyptian Day.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

He’s with stupid

Meet Doug Jones, the most annoyingly stupid man of the year.

Why? Because for more than a year he threw thousands of golf balls into Joshua Tree National Park in California, supposedly to “honor deceased golfers.”

As if that weren’t bad enough, this rocket scientist “also scattered a few tennis balls and park literature and left fruit and vegetables along park roads,” according to the AP.

The food, in case you are interested, was for "stranded hikers." Uh-huh.

Park rangers spent 370 hours cleaning up his litter/offerings.

No word on the punishment, but I’d think about chaining him to a stake in a reeaally remote part of the park for a few nights.

If it scares the crap out of him and he lives, he probably won’t repeat his stunt.

If a mountain lion or bear has other plans in store for him, well, no great loss.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Senate smackdown?

Now hold on just a darned minute.

Pro wrestling executive Linda McMahon wants to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Connecticut!

Is she serious? Doesn’t she know that the Senate is “the world’s most exclusive club,” a place where earnest leaders debate important issues with dignity and wisdom?

Pro wresting is filled with fakes and loonies who pull off ridiculous stunts.

The people who run this “sport” think the public actually buys the hokum they are peddling. They often insult the intelligence and character of the very fans they court.

Real leadership is almost nonexistent. And there have been more than a few scandals involving sex and money.

… OK, I guess she would fit in nicely. You go girl.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Snuggie time!

The calendar says winter hasn’t “officially” arrived yet, but who are you gonna believe, that silly piece of paper or … your Snuggie?

It’s no contest.

The Snuggie, generally described as a blanket with sleeves, is making another run on the fashion front.

It’s about time.

Before Snuggies came along, people were cold in the winter.

If they tried to cover their shivering selves with a blanket, they couldn’t get their hands out from underneath those infernal piles of cloth to eat popcorn or change channels on the remote.

I guy I stood next to in line at Starbucks said there were several confirmed cases of people starving within inches of full bowls of popcorn — or being forced to watch The Weather Channel for hours at a time.

OK, lots of strange people watch The Weather Channel for hours at a time. Maybe you’re one of them. But the Starbucks guy insists the popcorn-bowl story is true.

Personally, I don’t want to take a chance. You can have my Snuggie … when you pry it from my frozen fingers. That is, if it ever gets below 40 degrees in tropical Texas.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Ooops

Faithful readers will recall my rant last week about the Wendy’s employee who cooperated with a robber in the drive-through lane … even though he only had a knife!

A little employer guidance could have avoided that loss. On the other hand, a New Jersey pharmacy owner went overboard in the robbery-training department.

You see, one day in 2007 when a masked gunman burst into the pharmacy demanding OxyContin, employee Babette Perry was understandably upset. The Robber Person even said he was holding another employee hostage. And when Babette tried to call for help, the phone wouldn’t work!

Sounds like a bad scene, the kind Babette might have nightmares over — if she survived!

Well, guess what: It was just a drill, designed to teach employees how to handle the occasional drug-crazed armed robber. The kind of thing you laugh about at the employee picnic.

Poor Babette didn’t get the joke. Now she’s suing for post-traumatic stress disorder.

… No word if she’s working at Wendy’s in the meantime.

Friday, September 11, 2009

More bacon, please

So Gertrude Baines has finally left this earth.

That’s something to take note of, because when she died Friday she was the world’s oldest person.

Gertrude Baines was an astounding 115 years old. She was born in 1894, long before the age of automobiles, television, airplanes, etc.

What’s most amazing about this remarkable woman, however, was her diet.

She loved to eat fried chicken, bacon and ice cream.

You read that right. Not granola, yogurt, tofu and other things that are good for you.

When her doctor last visited her earlier in the week, she complained that her bacon was soggy!

All her life, she chowed down on the “wrong” stuff.

Yet she outlived almost every other human being ever born. And her doctor said that up until the end, “She was in excellent shape. She was mentally alert.”

… Anyone for a triple cheeseburger washed down with a creamy shake?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

More nines!

I realize that you are trying to come down off the buzz and the exhilaration from 09/09/09, but it’s difficult.

And stories like this don’t make it any easier.

A baby born in La Crosse, Wis., at 9:09 a.m. on 09/09/09 weighed 9 pounds 9 ounces!

And that day of the week was “Wednesday” — which just happens to have 9 letters in it!

I know; right now you’re saying things like “amazing” or “fantastic!”

… Or -- and I'd lay 9 to 1 odds on this -- possibly, “Who cares?”

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Thank you for robbing us, please come again

This happened last week and it’s been sticking in my craw.

A Wendy’s in Nederland got held up by some clown who pulled a knife … while sitting in his pickup in the drive-through lane!

Good grief! If you are the guy or gal wearing a paper hat and manning the mike at that Wendy’s, there is NO WAY the robber can hurt you in the drive-through lane!!!

To review here: The robber is in a pickup OUTSIDE the building. You are INSIDE the building. You are looking at him through a WINDOW about the size of TV screen.

The robber is not going to stretch out his arms 10 feet and stab you. He is not going to crawl out of his pickup truck’s window and through your tiny store window to get at you.

If you think that somehow he could defy the laws of physics and do either of those things, you could CLOSE THE WINDOW!

In other words, he CANNOT HARM YOU! So why do you GIVE HIM THE CASH anyway!

Aaarrrggghhh! What is this country coming to? How can our nation’s youth compete with the Japanese when they can’t even handle basic fast-food robbery etiquette?

Don’t they teach this stuff at orientation any more, such as right after telling the employee to always say, “Can you repeat that order?”

Please don’t tell me the window worker made Employee of the Month.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

To the Nines

Well, here it is: The Big 09-09-09.

You’ve read and heard a lot about the big day — how could you avoid it? — but here are nine things you may not know about that magical number between 8 and 10:

1) Since Jon & Kate of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” split it up, the eight kids have one parent in the house at a time — for a total of nine people!

2) Speaking of kids, nine is only half of the children brought forth so far by the by the famously fertile Duggars.

3) In German, “nein” (pronounced the same as our “nine”) means “no.”

4) The San Francisco 49ers are sometimes called the Niners, but not the Forty’s.

5) Sept. 9 is the 252nd day of the year, and 2 + 5 + 2 = 9!

6) At 9 o’clock today, nothing special will happen.

7) You don’t remember what you were doing on Sept. 9, 1999.

8) The ninth U.S. president was easily the most inconsequential one. William Henry Harrison caught a bad cold while giving a two-hour (!) inaugural address in freezing rain. He died 31 days later.

9) At the 99 Cent Store, most things will cost 99 cents today.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Duck, neighbor!

We’ve all tussled with a neighbor from time to time.

We may have let our dog do his business over the property line. We may let the kid bang a ball against his wall. Our guests may have parked in his driveway.

But doggone it, at least we didn’t do what a history buff did in Uniontown, Pa.

He fired a cannonball through his neighbor’s home. A 2-pounder. Seriously.

This is above and beyond the call of neighborly accidents. I think it’s an act of war.

So if you’re thinking of moving into a nice subdivision, first check to see that none of the neighbors collects cannons. Or shoots them.

Or dig a bunker in the back yard and put the local hospital on speed dial.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Hawaiian tryin’

You gotta hand it to the Honolulu City Council.

At least they tried to ban smelly people from city buses.

The new law was aimed at morons, I mean people, who have “odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system.”

This is entirely fair. But the ACLU — who else? — raised a stink, so the plan was canned.

Good grief. Not only is this stupid, it also jeopardizes other efforts to stop fat people from wearing tight shorts, hairy people from wearing tank tops and anyone from wearing T-shirts bearing the likeness of Danny Bonaduce, Snoop Dogg or Calvin Coolidge.

So sad. Some day Hawaiians will look back and wonder what happened to their tropical paradise.

Maybe they could let bus drivers carry a can of deodorant and give a quick spritz to anyone who needs it.

They could call it “Don’t ask, don’t smell,” and everyone would be happy. Aloha.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Game over, Pacman

When an NFL star has to take a step down to play in the Canadian Football League, it’s embarrassing.

When he can’t even land a spot in the CFL, it’s humiliating — especially if the thug in question is Adam “Pacman” Jones.

That’s what happened to the once-promising cornberback who’s been arrested six times and involved in six other confrontations with the cops since entering the league in 2005.

This time last year, Pacman had been signed by the Cowboys after being suspended for the entire 2007 season. He didn’t deserve the gig, and finally owner Jerry Jones got a little bit smarter and released him in the offseason — along with other perennial trouble-maker Terrell Owens.

No other NFL team would mess with Pacman, so it looked like he would sign with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers this year.

In fact, that’s what he implied until the Blue Bombers said that rumors of his signing were greatly exaggerated.

Their coach explained why: “We will pursue athletes that we believe will contribute to our organization on and off the field.”

So now Pacman may have to go lower down the food chain, to the new UFL, which will have all of four teams when it starts play in October.

What a free-fall for a former first-round draft pick. And it couldn’t have happened to a nicer — well, more deserving — guy.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Oh, no, not football!

OK, now I believe the recession is for real.

The NFL might have to black out a bunch of games in their home markets this season because the host stadiums have not sold out!

I’m serious! According to all-knowing, all-seeing AP: “The San Diego Chargers had an exhibition game blacked out for the first time since 2006 and will have Friday’s game blacked out as well. They say regular-season blackouts could be on the way as well. Other teams that could have trouble selling out their home games include the Detroit Lions and Oakland Raiders, who both had blackouts last season.”

Congress and the president cannot let this happen. They need to stop wasting time on health care, Iraq, swine flu, etc. and focus on this. I recommend an emergency three-point program, sort of like a field goal in the nick of time, if you catch my drift:

1) A cash-for-clunkers program in ticket sales. If two crummy teams like the Lions and Browns are playing each other, the feds should offer rebates for any fans stupid enough, I mean loyal enough, to buy tickets to this awful contest.

2) Heavy subsidies, tax breaks and other goodies for millionaire owners trying to build ever-bigger stadiums or jump to other cities for better deals. … Huh, we’re already doing this? Well, good, I guess.

3) Leaning on law enforcement to cut the NFL a little slack on personal conduct. Look, just because some arrogant jock gets a DWI or slaps around a lady or fires a gun in a crowded nightclub, that’s no reason to suspend him. Hey, what if he’s the team’s best pass rusher? Let’s think about our priorities here.

If America will kick this three-pointer through the pylons of society, we can get through this crisis. I mean, what else are we going to do on Sunday, go to church?

Monday, August 31, 2009

Your tax dollars at work

I guess this is what passes for belt-tightening in the government.

President Obama is trimming a pay raise for federal workers from 2.4 percent to 2 percent.

That’s right, taxpayers. It goes down all of 0.4 percentage points.

If I were the prez, I'd tell federal workers this:

“Dear bureaucrat: In view of the lingering recession and gloomy prospects for a turnaround any time soon, your pay raise will be reduced … to zero.

“No, that is not a misprint. Instead of 2.4 percent more on your paychecks, you will get 0 percent more.

“You may not want to turn cartwheels down the hall over that news, and I understand that. But many of the people who pay your salary — that would be actual taxpayers in the private sector — are getting by with small raises, no raises, and in some cases, no paychecks because they were laid off.

“So consider yourself fortunate to have a job and keep plugging away. If this non-raise offends you in any way, feel free to turn in your resignation and try your luck in the real world. In fact, I’ll waive the two-week notice and let you leave immediately.

“Have a nice day, and don’t forget to recycle.”

Friday, August 28, 2009

Steep sheep

I hope this doesn’t sound bigoted, but if you seen one sheep, you’ve seen ’em all.

Apparently, British farmer Jimmy Douglas disagrees. He just coughed up the record price of $347,000 for a sheep he describes as the finest specimen he’s ever seen.

Jeez, Jimmy. For that money, the critter needs to predict stock prices.

I wouldn’t pay 300 grand for a sheep unless I was starving on a deserted island and it was there too. And I had a knife and fork.

For the record, this is an 8-month-old Texel ram. Even has a name befitting its lofty price — Deveronvale Perfection.

Farmer Jimmy also says it has “a great body and strong loin.”

That’s it; I’m outta here. What a man does between him and his livestock should stay on the farm.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Rock on

This is one caper that will be tough to crack:

Who put the fake moon rock in the Dutch national museum? And how could it have fooled so many people for so many years?

The story, and it’s a strange one, is that the former prime minister said the rock was given to him by the U.S. ambassador in 1969 during a visit by the Apollo 11 astronauts.

But the supposedly extra-terrestrial treasure is just … a piece of petrified wood! From earth!

What the hay? Did NASA give out a phony souvenir … or did the Dutch prime minister steal the stone and substitute something he found in his back yard? (I think that was the plot of a "Columbo" episode.)

Now that the caper has been exposed, geologists from Amsterdam’s Free University said they could tell at a glance that the rock was not from the moon. Well, duh! Why didn’t they notice that a looong time ago?

Another expert saw it on display in 2006 and said it was highly unlikely that NASA would have given away a valuable moon rock just three months after “one small step.”

Somebody got punked.

Museum officials need to check the other exhibits to see if any more hoaxes are lurking.

I’d start with the Kentucky Fried Chicken box that supposedly came from Van Gogh's last meal.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Multi muddle

This can’t be much of a surprise to anyone with common sense:

All those obnoxious, Type A folks who brag about “multi-tasking” are not nearly as efficient and productive as they think.

In fact, according to researchers at Stanford University, which has a bunch of really smart people and not just multi-taskers who think they are, “multi-taskers are more easily distracted and less able to ignore irrelevant information than people who do less multi-tasking.”

It figures. In the primitive days before the Internet, people who did two things at once were thought of as scatterbrained and undisciplined. Overnight, they somehow became twice as smart and half as lazy as mere mortals.

Finally, these nerds have been exposed. As a Stanford prof put it, “Is multi-tasking causing them to be lousy at multi-tasking, or is their lousiness at multi-tasking causing them to be multi-taskers?”

Or as I would put it, “Are they annoying because they multi-task, or do they multi-task because they are annoying?”

Who knows. I wonder if the next big revelation will be that an abacus whiz can outperform a calculator king.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Rhode woes

Rhode Island must not have gotten the word. Four days after Fed chief Ben Bernanke said the recession is ending, things are still grim in the country’s tiniest state.

In fact, Rhode Island is going to shut down its state government for 12 full days. I say let’s go one step further and shut down the entire state — for good.

Rhode Island has no legitimate claim to statehood any more.

Maybe back in the ol’ days 1,545 square miles was a lot of land. Today it’s a good-sized farm or national park.

The city of Houston is almost half that size at 600 square miles. And waaaay back in 1960, Houston had about as many people as Rhode Island does today — just over a million. In fact, the 1990 census was the first time Rhode Island cracked the seven-figure mark on population. (And it’s not even a real island either!)

We should let neighboring states bid on the puny principality. Or, if none of them want it, make ’em draw straws and insist the winner/loser take it in.

If government were a business, Rhode Island would have been downsized long ago. I guarantee you that six months after we do it, no one will notice it’s gone.

Sorry, Rhode Island. You had a nice little run, but the rest of the country can’t keep stringing you along forever and pretending you’re equal to real states. Please clean out your desk by the end of the year.

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