10) “Obama admits spending frenzy will end ‘life as we know it’ ”
9) “Joe Biden confesses, ‘I like the sound of my own voice’ ”
8) “Big 3 CEOs agree Japanese cars are waaaay better”
7) “Rush vows to diet, give up cigars”
6) “Octomom says kids annoy her; putting brood up for adoption”
5) “McCain says, ‘Sarah Palin? What was I thinking?’ ”
4) “Palin says McCain looked ‘a lot older, kinda creepy’ in person”
3) “Al Gore finds something that can’t be blamed on global warming”
2) “Houston Texans proclaim end to rebuilding program.”
1) “Astros manager predicts winning season.”
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Top 10 April Fool’s headlines:
Monday, March 30, 2009
Would you like bullets with those fries?
I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often — somebody going postal in a fast food drive-through.
Like the other day in Salt Lake, where a guy fired a couple of shots into the drive-through window of a McDonald’s with a sawed-off shotgun.
Seems it was Sunday morning and the female driver of a car was told it was too early to order lunch ’cause Mickey D’s was still doing breakfast.
That didn’t go over too well. So two guys got out of the car and one of them whipped out the sawed-off. Maybe they were miffed because they were late for church.
Fortunately, nobody wearing a paper hat (or anything else) was hurt.
While I certainly don’t condone gunplay, I could see how you could get ticked off by the fast-food experience.
In fact, it happens to me all the time. With a bunch of kids and a busy schedule of my own, I spend a lot of time speaking into an intercom at some burger/taco/chicken emporium.
It doesn’t go well a lot of times — and I have low standards because I know it’s a fast-food joint staffed by teenagers who want to be somewhere else.
Still, the frustration factor can get pretty high. The list of recurring problems includes:
-- Order-takers who patiently listen to your order and then say, “Could you repeat that?” Uh, weren’t you supposed to be listening the first time?
-- Customers who place humongous orders from the drive-through, like 30 tacos, jamming up the line behind them.
-- Employees who mysteriously vacate the order window for looong stretches of time. Can’t somebody else find the new box of cups inside?
-- Customers who stop ahead of the intercom to study the menu for four or five minutes. Jeez, it’s a burger barn or a taco town. It ain’t that complicated. Just pull up and place your order.
-- Employees who say, “Sorry, we’re out of iced tea.” Hey, this is Southeast Texas. You’re not supposed to run out of tea!
Those are my gripes about Fast Food Nation; what are yours?
Friday, March 27, 2009
Labor strife
Good thing I majored in English at the ivy-covered institution I attended. (Or was that kudzu?) ’Cause I know all about irony.
And in Washington the other day, the irony was so thick you could spread it with a butter knife.
You see, several dozen employees of the Service Employees International Union were picketing their own union headquarters over its decision to lay off about 75 workers.
In fact, the Union of Union Representatives (there’s a title to remember) which represents organizers and field staff, filed charges of unfair labor practices and age/race discrimination against the union.
And what does the heartless “boss man” have to say about all this?
According to the AP, “SEIU spokeswoman Michelle Ringuette calls the complaints meritless and says the layoffs were made because the union is shifting organizing work away from its national office to local unions.”
A likely story.
I say, “Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your deferred pension plans and your floating holidays! And your 401(k) isn't looking too perky either!”
Sigh; can’t we all get along?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Port Acres/Green Acres
Who would’ve thunk it: cockfighting in Port Acres.
That’s exactly what was exposed Thursday when police raided a house on 60th Street.
This is a stunner. Or at least it is unless you were one of the “in” crowd who knew about the rooster rasslin’ all along.
Cockfighting is supposed to take place in sleepy rural areas, like deep East Texas or the swamps of Louisiana.
Granted, Port Acres isn’t exactly downtown Manhattan. But it does have lots of people, which is what cockfighters don’t want.
You see, more people means more potential calls to police. And since cockfighting is illegal and all that, a little discretion is preferred.
Another thing: The police raid occurred at 11 a.m. Whoever heard of a cockfight in the morning? Don’t the International Rules of Cockfighting require late afternoon starts at the earliest, and preferably anytime after the sun goes down?
I just hope the fine people of Port Acres can recover from this embarrassment. Good thing the cops didn’t notice the meth lab next door.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Rich (rhymes with rich) II
Just as you expected, there’s more to the story about the Swedish countess who says she can’t get by on the $43 million promised to her in a pre-nup by her wealthy (and elderly) husband (soon to be ex-husband).
As one of my previous blogs captured so, uh, brilliantly, Marie Douglas-David, 36, wants more of the loot amassed by hubbie George David, 67.
Now she’s put a number on “more” — $99 million.
Why so much? Well, Marie says that because they talked about his work, that makes her sort of a business partner and not just a trophy wife/bimbo.
I dunno. Many of her “business” discussions with the breadwinner were not overly technical, such as:
“Georgie, I think we should invest in snow. There’s a lot of it this winter.”
“Is a business ‘merger’ like when two people get it on?”
“The tax laws are unfair; we can’t write off the diamond collar for my poodle!”
“Why don’t poor people have more money?”
… We’ll let the courts sort it out. When it’s over, they’ll both probably be wealthy — and so will their lawyers.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
If it wasn't for bad luck ...
So are we supposed to feel sorry for Tsutomu Yamaguchi … or envy him?
Tsutomu, as you may or may not know, has the dubious distinction of being the only person in history to have survived both atomic bomb attacks.
Incredibly, tough-luck Tsutomu happened to be in Hiroshima on Aug. 6, 1945 on a business trip. Bad timing. That was the day the Enola Gay flew overhead.
Tsutomu was severely burned on the upper half of his body and spent the night in the city — or what was left of it.
Then he returned to his hometown — Nagasaki — just in time to get nuked again!
Holy cow! Isn’t that like rushing to get the last ticket on the Titanic or trying to buy the last share of Enron stock?
But even though he was microwaved twice, Tsutomu’s still ticking. In fact, he’s 93, an age that lots of non-nuked folks never achieve.
So there it is: He’s been through hell — twice — but he’s still here.
What a guy. Just don’t ask him the secret of his old age.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Eight is enough
Watch out, Octomom. If you’re not careful, people are going to start thinking you’re greedy, paranoid and pretty much a horrible mother. Oh, that’s right; people already think that.
Octomom, full name Nadya Suleman, is in the news again. It comes with the territory when you give birth to eight kids even though you already have a half-dozen back home — with no dad or job in the picture.
In her latest bout of selfish, irrational behavior, Nasty Nadya fired a nonprofit group of nurses that helped care for her small army of children. She felt they were spying on her and reporting her to child welfare officials. (Gosh, why would they do something like that?)
The group, Angels in Waiting, had been training nannies who would care for the Octo-offspring. So now the kids are back to being dependent, sort of, on Mommy Dearest and whatever crazy scheme she can cook up with next.
That’s not what you’d call a confidence-builder, but then again that’s not Octomom’s strong point. (Having babies is, I guess.)
If you’re already tired of reading about Octomom, that’s understandable. But she’s going to be in the news for the next decade or two whether we like it or not.
It could be worse; you could be one of her 14-and-counting kids. If these youngsters can survive her upbringing and come out remotely normal after 18 years, it will be a small miracle.
The odds are long, but miracles have been known to happen. Pray for this one.
Friday, March 20, 2009
China syndrome
Sometimes diplomats beat around the bush. Not the ones in China.
They lay it on the line and don’t care who gets cheesed off. Here’s an example of the Asian version of the Straight Talk Express, from no less than Foreign Ministry spokesman Qin Gang:
“At present, the situation on the Korean peninsula is rather complicated, with an increasing number of uncertain factors. We express concern over this.”
Holy s**t! When was the last time you heard such blunt, no-holds-barred talk from a diplomat!
And if that wasn’t enough, ol’ Qin followed up with this bombshell:
“We believe maintaining peace and stability on the Korean Peninsula and in Northeast Asia is in the common interest of the relevant parties.”
Wow! Talk about calling ’em like you see ’em!
Let that be a lesson, college kids. Don’t go into diplomacy unless you’re prepared to live on the edge!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Rich (rhymes with rich)
This darned recession is hitting everyone. Even Marie Douglas-David.
She’s the soon-to-be-former-wife of ex-United Technologies Corp. chief executive George David, who’s worth an estimated $329 million.
Sadly, the match made in heaven has come down to earth. It's Splitsville.
Maybe the age difference had something to do with it. He’s 67. She’s 36.
Can you say “gold digger?”
Anyhoo, the little lady wants a little something to help her get by.
She did sign a pre-nup in 2005 that guarantees her $43 million, but she says that’s not enough.
Says her weekly expenses are $53,000. Weekly.
Gee whiz, Marie, can’t ya cut some corners?
For example:
-- Stop having fresh shrimp flown in from France each morning.
-- Take the solid gold dishes to the pawn shop and see what you can get. (Don't haggle.)
-- Contrary to what your friends at the club say, you do not need a different Rolls for each day of the week.
-- Ditto for the mansions. Cut down to five or six houses scattered across the globe and stick a “for sale” sign on the front lawn of the others.
-- Set a firm budget for your next trip to Aspen — say, $750,000 — and stick to it!
I could go on, but then I’d be a financial consultant and I’d have to charge an hourly rate. I don’t think she wants another bill.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Big Blue
Maybe Chris D. Parent can live his dream after all.
All he wants to do is serve the good people of Bellevue, Neb., as a police officer. Now, thanks to the Nebraska Court of Appeals, he can. His firing has been overturned.
Chris didn’t take a bribe or cuff around a crook. All he did was eat. A lot.
His 2005 Nebraska driver’s license listed him at 5’9” and 300 pounds.
That's a lot of beef to pack on a short frame. I’ve seen refrigerators and fireplugs with slimmer profiles.
Chris was canned in 2007 for failing to maintaining a “high level of physical, mental and emotional conditioning.” Duh.
Actually, there are some advantages to having a police officer who’s, well, big-boned:
-- He can be his own partner for patrol duty.
-- He could take a bullet or two in a gunfight and stay on his feet.
-- When a hostage situation demands a human shield, he’s perfect.
-- Ditto for when a hostage situation demands a battering ram.
-- If a suspect resists arrest, he could just sit on him.
… Anyway, if you ever pass through Bellevue, say hello to Chris.
You can probably find him in a donut shop.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Crime does pay
It’s happened again — a criminal who is especially annoying because of laziness or stupidity.
In the latest affront to common decency, a man robbed a bank in the South Texas town of Pharr … from his car!
That’s right, my friends. This yo-yo knocked off the Lone Star National Bank from the drive-through lane!
Good Lord, is nothing sacred? Have our criminals become so lazy that they can’t even get up to get the goods?
Back in the old days, it wasn’t like this. Bank robbers walked into banks on their own two legs, stuck a Saturday Night Special into some poor teller’s face and snarled, “Gimme all your money.”
And when said transaction was completed, they walked out under their own power too! Some even broke into a brisk run after exiting the bank, especially when pursued by other men with guns.
And what kind of a pinhead teller cooperates with a robber in the drive-through lane?
Gee, whiz! Please tell me she didn’t say, “By the way, sir, we have a special gift for first-time customers. Would you like a set of steak knives or the waterproof flashlight?”
Aaarrrggghhh!!!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Gee, AIG
Top 10 excuses by AIG executives to defend their $165 million in bonuses after taking billions in federal bailout money:
10) Hey, why not? All the other CEOs are cashing in.
9) Have you priced a Rolls lately or a skiing trip to Gstaad? Those things ain’t cheap, buddy.
8) Because we want to accumulate a vast pool of wealth to create a foundation to help needy people across the globe after we retire.
7) The poor and desperate are inspired when they see us flaunting our wealth. No, really, they are!
6) By remaining in high tax bracket, we provide employment for many chauffeurs, personal chefs, dog walkers, etc.
5) Gee, whiz. The latest bailout was $787 billion. Our take is a teensy fraction of that.
4) Because AIG really stands for Always Instigate Greed.
3) Hell, do we need an excuse?
2) The bonuses give us an incentive to remain in our jobs and keep raking in the big bucks. Hey, stop laughing, I was serious!
1) Because we are secretly amoral pigs who don’t care about other people. (OK, it wasn’t much of a secret.)
Friday, March 13, 2009
Hurry up and wait
Remember the story a while back about the Romanians who rebuilt a bridge in their village because the government wouldn’t do it? (And got in trouble for it.)
I think this dangerous trend of self-reliance is moving to this country.
In Beckley, W.Va., a mysterious repairman fixed a traffic light that had been broken since before Christmas.
That was many weeks ago, but city workers said they didn’t have the know-how and needed more time to order special parts.
Apparently some taxpayer didn’t get the memo that it couldn’t be done.
He went ahead and fixed the light, even though state highway workers were within a few days of finally showing up and tackling the job.
If I’m in government, I want to nip this in the bud.
The last thing I want is people doing something for themselves when they could wait for a public servant (or two) to do it for them.
I’m tellin’ you: First you let them do for themselves, and next they’re going to think for themselves.
No sirree, Bob. Take a number, fill out this form and wait over there.
That’s what built this country, isn’t it?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
It's a family tradition
The concept of family is just breaking down in post-modern America. I can’t remember the last time I saw three generations of one clan doing something together.
Thank God a few people still hold on to the traditional values that made this country great.
Like three unnamed Utah residents — ages 49, 31 and 14 — a grandpa, a dad and a grandson.
This trio was united by love and mutual respect. And the desire for some easy cash.
Police say they teamed up to burglarize a car.
“The suspects had broken out a window in the car and stole a purse, checkbook, credit cards and other valuables from the car,” a police lieutenant said.
Worse yet, loot from other burglaries was recovered from the family’s car.
Oh, well, maybe the judge can sentence them all to the same jail.
After all, you hate to break up a family.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Dreary drunk drivers (deuce)
Once again, we are motivated — no, make that compelled! — to blog on the subject of dreary drunk drivers.
Yesterday’s masterpiece mentioned a moron who tried to drive home in a car with only 3 tires. (Hint to all drunks: That’s one shy of a full load.)
Today the world was stunned to learn that a drunk driver in Easton, Pa., defended his little misadventure … because he’s a separate country.
Not IN a separate country. Scott Witmer is claiming that the state has no legal jurisdiction over him because he has sovereign status.
“I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania,” he claimed (between hiccups).
Scottie, Scottie: First, lay off the vodka before 9 a.m. Second, you can’t be your own country because, well, you’re a person, not a country.
However, if there was a country called Drunkovia …
-- St. Patrick’s Day would be a national holiday whether you were Irish or not.
-- The attorney general would be called the National Bail Bondsman.
-- The Department of Tourism would be devoted to pub crawls.
-- The New Year’s Eve holiday would start at midnight on Dec. 25.
-- The Official National Drink would be … anything you could get your hands on!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Dreary drunk drivers
What’s the matter with drunk drivers these days? Haven’t they read the book, “You know you’re too drunk to drive when … ”
Obviously, lots of drunk drivers have missed this important reference work in their self-education.
Like the guy in Largo, Fla., who tried to drive home in a car with only three tires.
Not surprisingly, the AP reported, “the man displayed uneven balance and had bloodshot eyes. A Breathalyzer test he took registered a 0.2 blood alcohol level.”
Duh!
So for all the lushes out there who don’t know when to ask for a designated driver, here are some more tips to help you figure out when you’re too drunk to drive:
-- When the night light you’re trying to turn off is a state trooper’s flashlight.
-- When you see a sign reading “Welcome to California” and you live in another time zone.
-- When you wonder why you can’t get the top down on your convertible … and realize you’re on a motorcycle.
… Puh-lease! Don’t drink ’n’ drive!
If you’re gonna anyway, at least have the decency to wrap your car around the first telephone pole you see so the rest of us don’t have to deal with you.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Have a nice day, moron
Finally, some bureaucrats with sensitivity.
The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is spending $173,000 to teach 4,000 clerks in state-run liquor stores how to be more friendly.
It’s about time. Nothing irritates me more than walking into a state-run liquor stored and getting dissed by the help.
I feel like yelling out, “Hey, pal, I pay your salary!”
According to the AP, “The board says it wants to make sure clerks are saying ‘hello,’ ‘thank you’ and ‘come again’ to customers shopping for wine and spirits.”
That’s a good start. I would also urge them NOT to say things like:
-- “The champagne is on Aisle 3, but you don’t look like you could afford it.”
-- “Look, all I know is that white wine goes with fish and red wine goes with beef. I don’t know what goes with Spam.”
-- “Yes, we have Lite Beer, but from the size of your gut, I don’t think it’s doing much good.”
-- “You want something to impress the lady? How about clothes that didn’t come from Goodwill.”
Friday, March 06, 2009
School daze
I’m a soft touch. If I’d seen the sign, I probably would have made a donation.
What sign? The marquee outside Carver Elementary School in Yuma, Ariz.
The school has run out of money, and teachers are turning in district-supplied cell phones and personally buying supplies for their classrooms.
So the message on the marquee from the principal was simple:
“No money — please donate supplies.”
And it worked, too. Folks driving by have chipped in $700 so far.
Nice idea. Personally, I think it would have been even more successful if the marquee had read:
“Pleze asist da edukashun of yur kidz by givin’ us sum dollerz.”
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Iowa again
I know. You’re saying, “What, another blog about Iowa? That’s all the blogosphere is filled with these days.”
You’re right, but doggone it, those Iowans won’t let the rest of us alone. Day after day, there are forcing their Iowan ways and woes upon the other 49 states.
The latest example: Buried deep within the bowels of a $410 billion bill threading its way through Congress is a $1.7 million earmark to study why pig manure stinks.
I’m not sh***ng you. Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa, carved out this piece of pork as smoothly as a pig rancher pours feed into a trough.
Specifically, the earmark will fund a study into what hogs eat and why their s**t stinks.
Hey, Harkin! Hogs will eat just about anything put in front of them! And their s**t stinks because it’s s**t!
What else can you expect from a state with 3 million people and 20 million hogs?
I’ve got half a mind to cross Cedar Rapids off my list of potential summer vacation sites.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Iow-age
Folks in Iowa are pretty straightforward. If you want hype and hoopla, well, go to some wild place like Minnesota. (Those party animals regularly stay up past the 10 p.m. newscast.)
So when it came time to change the name of the Iowa’s Department of Elder Affairs, the Legislature didn’t fool around.
Indeed; “Elder Affairs” needed to be plowed under. It was clunky and unIowan. Gosh, that’s like calling the PTA the Department of Childish Affairs.
Anyhow, the new moniker chosen for the agency was the very logical “Department of Aging.”
Until someone checked the initials.
DOA is not exactly an acronym you want to be tossing around people who lived through the Depression. (The first one, not this one.)
Can you imagine some bureaucrat stamping “DOA” in 3-inch-high letters on some senior citizen’s paperwork right in front of him? Not cool.
So the tension is mounting. The Legislature has approved the bill. It’s going to the governor. Lawmakers on both sides of the debate are weighing in.
Whatever the outcome, folks in Iowa can’t remember this much excitement since the spring thaw was two weeks late.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Mall wars
Those Kiwis are on to something.
In man’s endless quest to rid malls of punks, mall officials in Christchurch, New Zealand, have come up with a nifty weapon.
Barry Manilow.
They simply pipe his velvety tunes through the outdoor mall, and the soothing sounds either mellow out the young hoodlums, or better yet, drive them away.
Sure, that’s a drastic step to take. But the thugs were taking over public territory.
According to the AP, “A group of several dozen young people regularly spread rubbish, spray graffiti, get intoxicated, use drugs, swear and intimidate patrons. … ”
That’ll teach ’em.
The only downside I can see is that fleeing mall teens could rush out into traffic and suffer unpleasant consequences, but it’s hard to conduct any war without a little collateral damage.
They are expendable.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Squared off
Look, I’m a tolerant guy. Live and let live, and all that.
But if you’re going to celebrate National Square Root Day on Tuesday, you might wanna keep it quiet. Your friends and neighbors might get the idea that you are some kind of massive nerd.
Tuesday, of course, is written numerically as 3/3/09. And since 3 times 3 equals 9, we’re talking one of those calendrical coincidences that comes along only now and then. (Thank God.)
Personally, I could go through all 24 hours of National Square Root Day without raising my pulse. But to numbers junkies, this is one of the most exciting days since, oh, Sept. 9, 1999. (9/9/99, if you must ask.)
For example, Ron Gordon, a teacher in Redwood City, Calif., started a contest to get people excited about Tuesday’s, uh, happening.
“These days are like calendar comets, you wait and wait and wait for them, then they brighten up your day — and poof — they’re gone,” he gushed.
Please, Ron, settle down, willya? Is he the kind of guy who has a panic attack when he sees a broken clock?
Ron, by the way, is offering a prize of $339 for the niftiest Square Root Day event. (This is one contest I won’t win.)
Actually, if we can get through the drama of National Square Root Day, we won’t have to confront this nonsense again until April 4, 2016. (4/4/16)
Wake me when it’s over.
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