Hey, this is America. It’s OK to like money. It’s annoying when people pretend they don’t.
Take Brian Ingram of Mena, Ark., who was lucky enough to find $5,880 of the loot snared by famed hijacker D.B. Cooper in 1971.
Ingram, then 8 years old, was on a camping trip with his family when he found three bundles of deteriorating $20 bills on the shores of the Columbia River near Portland, Ore., in 1980.
First of all, D.B. Cooper was not the fake name the hijacker gave when boarding. It was Dan Cooper, but an early misidentification of him as D.B. Cooper has stuck. So there it is; another consequence of errors in journalism.
Second, I don’t know why Ingram’s family didn’t have to give back the money they found, seeing as it was definitely matched by serial numbers to Cooper’s loot. (Again, Dan’s, not D.B.’s)
For some reason, the FBI kept only 13 of the bills. (Isn’t 13 an unlucky number? Doesn’t that make it less like the feds will find the hijacker?)
Whatever. Ingram’s folks let him keep the loot, which was nice, and now he wants to cash in, which is understandable. Only that’s not what he said when he announced that the weathered bills would be put up for auction.
“My wife and I have discussed it over a few years, and we just decided we wanted to share it with people,” said Ingram.
Clang!
Wrong, Brian. You don’t want to “share” the money with anyone. You want to make more money off of it.
If you truly wanted to “share” it with someone, you would donate it to something like the International Hijackers Hall of Fame, if there was such a thing, which there isn’t.
I hope the Ingram’s get a good bid for Cooper’s cash. After all, they say they want to use the proceeds as a college fund for their kids.
That’s nice. Just stop pretending that this is some kind of selfless, noble gesture.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Hijacked cash
Friday, March 28, 2008
Return of the Lastros?
If you’re a Houston Astros fan and you’re hoping for another exciting season, well, let’s just say you might have some free time on your hands around the World Series.
To put this delicately, most “experts” are predicting an Astros season that will be either mediocre … or crappy.
On Yahoo.com sports this week, three pundits made their picks for all divisions.
Steven Henson said the Astros would finish dead even, 81-81 — good enough, if that’s the term, for third place among the six teams in “Comedy Central.”
It doesn’t get any better. In fact, it gets kinda stinky.
Tim Brown predicted a 76-86 season for the ’Stros (fourth place).
Jeff Passan figured 70-92 (fifth place).
Sports Illustrated, the mother of all sports publications, joined in the dogpile.
It picked the Astros to finish 74-88 (fourth).
Rubbing salt in the wound, SI said new GM Ed Wade “did little to upgrade a rotation that was about as stable as francium in 2007.” (If you’re not a physicist — and how many of us are? — francium is a notoriously unstable chemical element.)
If you thought the addition of Miguel Tejada and Kazuo Matsui would put some lift in the Astros rockets, well, think again.
SI called Tejada a “declining star … whose range continues to deteriorate.” Matsui? An “overpriced journeyman (for $16.5 million).” (By the way, he doesn't like the nickname "Kaz" either. It's Kazuo to you, buddy.)
Hey, it could be worse. You could be a St. Louis Cardinals fan, like me. All of the above pundits predicted an even worse season for the Cards.
For the record, their picks respectively were 70-92 (fifth), 73-89 (fifth), 69-93 (sixth … and last!) and from SI, 73-89 (fifth).
Oh, well, get ready to utter the battle cry of the Chicago Cubs, “Wait ’til next year!”
And in the meantime, say the prayer that has sustained many fans in the NL Central for many years:
“Thank God for the Pittsburgh Pirates!”
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Cards for cons
Is this a great country or what?
An entrepreneur in Los Angeles has found a new niche in the greeting card business. Attorney Terrye L. Cheathem has formed Three Squares Greetings, which provides cards for inmates in jails and prisons.
Leaving aside any jokes about an attorney with the last name of “Cheathem,” this is a terrific idea. You have no shortage in your targeted demographic — 2.5 million of ’em. And trust me, we are talking about a captive audience.
Cheathem said she thought of the idea when she was looking for a greeting card for her brother-in-law, who, shall we say, was a guest of the state for 11 months.
Not surprisingly, she couldn’t find any cards on the outside aimed at folks on the inside.
So she founded Three Squares, with expressions like, “We are all praying for you while you do your time.”
Or, “You had the choice to be ‘naughty or nice.’ And you chose ... Oh well, now you have to do your time.”
Those are good, but I think Terrye needs to branch out. Like:
“We hope all is going well for you. We can’t wait for you to get out … and run off a new batch of 10s and 20s.”
“Don’t give up! 2045 will be here sooner than you think!”
“We are looking forward to your release date. … In the meantime, where did you bury the you-know-what from the bank job?”
“I know you’ve been away for a while, and when you get out you’re going to love all the new advances like flying cars, vacations to the moon and the three-day workweek. … Hey, just kidding!”
“Since you’re out of circulation, I didn’t think you’d mind if I used your car, your boat, your four-wheeler and your record collection. … Oh, and your wife and I are getting to know each other too.”
Monday, March 24, 2008
Shots on a plane
After the 9-11 attacks, one of the smartest things this country did to prevent future hijackings was let pilots and copilots carry pistols.
All of these men and women are highly trained professionals. Most have military backgrounds. If there was ever a group of people who could be trusted with carrying handguns — and had a clear reason to do so — this was it.
This simple change is the most cost-effective thing we can do for airplane security. Would-be hijackers don’t know if a pilot is packing or not. If they try to take over a plane, they might go to the afterlife sooner than they planned. And best of all, the passengers would go to Cleveland or Seattle as they planned too.
Curiously, the Bush administration dragged its heels on this sensible program. The White House only approved it after Congress demanded the change.
You have to suspect that the gun-lovin’ guys and gals in the Bush administration secretly liked the plan. But they were afraid of being called Rambos or having something go wrong.
Like an accidental discharge of a sidearm in the air. Like what happened to the pilot of a US Airways flight on a landing approach in North Carolina over the weekend.
Fortunately, no one was hurt. Fortunately, it was the first time this kind of, uh, little mistake had occurred.
No word yet as to what went wrong. As a sometime shooter, I can tell you what went wrong.
The pilot’s pistol didn’t have the safety on. Or it had a round in the chamber when it shouldn’t have. Or the pilot accidentally nudged the trigger or the hammer. After all, there are only a few ways that a weapon can be fired accidentally, and those options cover 99 percent of them.
Which is why a gun being carried for these purposes shouldn’t have a round in the chamber. When a weapon is carried like that, you can make a dumb mistake and still have 10 toes at the end of the day.
At any rate, this was the first accidental firing by a pilot after many years and countless carryings. So don’t get all nervous and say we need to make cockpits “gun-free zones.”
If I’m flying, I want my pilot or copilot bringing along his little friend.
I also want a potential terrorist wondering if the crew is carrying … and thinking that maybe he won’t make his move after all.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I'm with stupid
It was just another typical week in Texas:
A stupid 17-year-old was busted at a border crossing in El Paso for marijuana smuggling when she tried to use six huge cans of vegetables to hide her booty — the pot, not her booty. The cans are normally used by restaurants to hold about 5 pounds of veggies.
Border guards said the whole thing looked shaky from the start. They quickly found that the cans were stuffed with 25 pounds of pot.
A border official said, “These cases clearly illustrate that smuggling organizations will use any means imaginable in their attempts to introduce contraband into the United States.”
Uh, actually these cases clearly illustrate that some smugglers are as dumb as a bag of cow crap and should get extra time in prison just for being morons.
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Anthony Falco of Taylor was sentenced to 60 years (!) in the pen for his 10th (!) DWI since 1979.
Falco, clearly not a brain surgeon, also has convictions for theft, forgery and family violence assault.
I wonder if the judge said to him, “Tony, we cut you some slack the first eight or nine times. … But doggone it, with this 10th one, you’ve finally gone too far!”
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A registered sex offender is running for mayor of Wilmer.
“People need to realize that people make mistakes, and they need to look past those mistakes and forgive and move on,” said James Sliter, 42.
Sliter got caught in a sting when he went to a home where he thought he was going to have sex with a 15-year-old girl he’d been talking to on the Internet.
Wilmer has about 4,300 people. Apparently, a lot of them are idiots.
“He is a concerned citizen who wants to help this town,” said family friend Lynne Thompson. “That’s what counts.”
“They set him up,” said his neighbor, Lonnie Walden. “I’d never go see a 15-year-old girl but it’s still wrong how they set people up ... . I think there’s going to be a bunch of stink over it.”
“He’s not someone going to schools looking for kids to molest,” said Kara Martos.
… Maybe that last gal has a point. If Sliter gets elected, when a school principal needs someone to talk to the kiddos about our democratic system of government and someone to warn them about drooling sex creeps, one phone call takes care of both.
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Police suspect that a 2-year-old boy who died in La Joya from a fractured skull was killed when a “morbidly obese relative” fell on the child.
The Hidalgo County Sheriff has called the death “suspicious.”
Other people are calling it “disgusting.”
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Ashley's error
Ashley Dupre, the pathetic hooker better known as “Kristen,” did something wrong.
Yes, I mean something wrong besides selling her body to former N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer and destroying his political career and devastating his family and dominating the news for a week until Barack Obama’s crazy pastor pushed her aside.
(By the way, it was, uh, interesting to hear Spitzer’s replacement, former Lt. Gov. David Paterson, quickly admit that he too had had beaucoup affairs — and for that matter, his wife Michelle, didn’t exactly stand by her man throughout their marriage, if you know what I mean. … Maybe some day morality will once again be a requirement for New York governors, or at least a desirable option.)
Anyway, back to Ashley/Kristen.
She was all set to cash in on her newfound fame. Sure, it was going to be just as degrading as her prostitution. But once you've taken the plunge, you’re already wet, right?
One of America’s most famous sleazeballs, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, was going to offer her a cool million to host his 2008 Girls Gone Wild Spring Break Tour and pose nude for his new GGW magazine.
And isn’t that what America needs — another girlie mag?
Unfortunately, Ashley’s plans for sudden wealth took a slight detour when it was discovered that when she was 18, she’d already, er, performed for a Girls Gone Wild film crew — for free!
In fact, she shot seven full-length tapes that included nudity (of course!) and even what is delicately referred to as “same-sex contact.”
Ashley, Ashley.
People are going to think you are a slut. … Well, they already do, but now they will really think that. Tsk, tsk.
She will still rake in some big bucks — other photo shoots, interviews, a ghost-written biography, etc. — but the payday won’t be as big.
There’s a lesson in all this, and I hope everyone is paying attention:
A) Don’t be a whore. It’s disgusting.
B) If you are going to be a whore, don’t give it away.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Pet mania
Lots of people like dogs and cats — and that’s wonderful, of course.
But have you noticed how some people go a little overboard in their affection for dogs and cats? Or in some cases, a lot overboard?
Take the bizarre story last week about the nearly 800 (!) small dogs taken from a mobile home near Tucson, Ariz. (Oh, and 82 parrots too.)
Is it just me, or have these stories become sadly common?
Certainly every month, and almost every week, you read about stunned authorities finding dozens or hundreds of dogs or cats in some filthy home. The owner is invariably described as a well-meaning pet lover “who let things get out of control.”
Right, sort of like how Hurricane Rita was a windstorm that “got out of control.”
It is hard — realllly hard — to understand how someone could live in an apartment or house or mobile home that is ankle-deep in animal poop, pee, hair, fleas, dead critters, dying critters, fighting critters, etc.
Can you imagine eating a meal in that stench? Or trying to sleep at night?
You’d think it’s beyond something that human beings can endure. But again, barely a week goes by without another one of these bizarre stories popping up.
But this blog isn’t about the people who live in these homes. They are clearly koo-koo.
It’s about the otherwise normal people who read or hear about these stories and then become frantically determined to adopt one of the poor pets.
In the latest cases, hundreds of people were clamoring to adopt the Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, Chinese cresteds and Lhasa apsos found in the home.
The Associated Press reported that the requests “reached fever pitch, with calls coming in from around the globe and potential owners getting into shoving matches.”
Some dog-lovers called from Germany and Australia!
Uh, people, settle down.
Any town of any size in the developed world has an animal shelter. You can get a dog or cat from any of them any time you want. It is not really necessary to become so agitated over neglected pets in another state … or country.
The dogs and cats in these stories need someone to rescue them and take care of them. But there are millions of neglected children in America and the Third World who also need help every day.
Let’s not forget about them.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Spitzergate, the Sequel
If you thought Spitzergate would quietly fade away now, you are mistaken. It is getting ready to take off like a space shuttle from Cape Canaveral.
As soon-to-be-former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s life spirals downward, the fortunes of “Kristen” will soar. Kristen, of course, is Ashley Dupre, the hooker at the center of this firestorm.
Spitzer’s future is bleak.
He is looking at indictment for various crimes ranging from money laundering to violating the infamous Mann Act — bringing a woman across state lines for immoral purposes. He will have embarrassing court appearances. (Is there any other kind? Will loyal wife Silda appear by his side stoically again … and again?)
He will have his fingerprints and mugshot taken. The mug will be on Web sites like TMZ within hours. He probably will be disbarred, at least for a few years.
Ashley, on the other hand, will cash in big time. Pop culture is already perfectly accepting of soft porn, with sleazy reality shows in which contestants vie for the chance to “get busy” with the star/host. Ashley’s plans to sell her body in a different way will mesh well with this trend.
Her agent will command hefty fees for interviews, TV appearances, a ghost-written book, maybe even an inane TV movie-of-the-week. Playboy and Penthouse will offer big bucks for the photo spread.
Through it all, if Ashley is well-coached, she will try to come off as an innocent, plucky girl who somehow got mixed up in this darned prostitution thing.
But doggone it, despite the tough breaks life has thrown at her, she is going to overcome it all and make something of herself. (“I want to work with children.”)
Millions of gullible people will suck up every word.
Meanwhile, the Spitzer family will suffer in countless ways.
Silda will be alternately praised for standing by her man and condemned for enabling him (when she probably knew nothing about Eliot’s dark secret).
The three daughters are teenagers, yet they have to cope with their world being turned upside down … and intimate knowledge of their father’s sexual misdeeds. Yikes.
Eliot Spitzer is still a young man — 48. They said he might have been president one day.
How he will live with this humiliation for the rest of his life, and what he will do with his life for the rest of his life, are morbidly fascinating questions.
I guess we’ll watch how it all plays out.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Going too Ferraro
Geraldine Ferraro must not be aging well. She seems to suffer from memory loss.
Ferraro, of course, came out of obscurity lately because of her comments that Sen. Barack Obama “would not be in this position” if he were white instead of black.
In 1988, she said much the same about another black presidential candidate:
“If Jesse Jackson were not black, he wouldn’t be in the race.”
Leaving aside the question of whether Ferraro has a small point or not, let’s be honest:
Hillary Clinton “would not be in this position” if she were not a woman, specifically the wife of a president and governor.
Whatever power she wielded in Little Rock and Washington derived from her marriage.
She had accomplished nothing politically on her own until she was elected to the Senate from New York in 2000.
If her name had been Hillary Smith then, she wouldn’t have even gotten past the primary in that election.
And — mother of all points — Ferraro was picked as Walter Mondale’s running mate in 1984 only because she was a woman.
If she had been a male House member from New York, her name wouldn’t have been mentioned.
Overcoming barriers is hard. It doesn’t help when people say dumb things.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
The jokes begin
Already moving across the 'Net, the "best headline" in Spitzergate:
"Prostitute Admits Link to Eliot Spitzer;
Resigns From Escort Service in Disgrace."
Monday, March 10, 2008
Adios, Eliot
At the time this was written, Eliot Spitzer was still governor of New York. By the time you read it, he might not be.
Spitzer’s political career is hanging by a thread. Within a day or two at most, the thread probably will be snapped.
It’s not just the embarrassment — and stupidity — of an uber-politician dallying with hookers.
It’s not just the large amounts of money — several thou at a time! — he was tossing around for his little vice.
It’s not just that the former attorney general made his reputation as someone who fought corruption, not someone who rolled in it.
It’s not just that bringing a hooker across state lines makes the crime even worse.
It’s all of those things … and more.
It’s the likelihood that this wasn’t a one-time blunder. According to CBS 2 in New York, the federal wiretap that snared Spitzer recorded him saying about the payment, “Yup, same as in the past, no question about it."
Oh, and did I mention that the employee of the call-girl service warned the gal that Spitzer would “ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe — you know — I mean that ... very basic things. ... ”
It’s over, Eliot.
Your wife and 3 daughters will never forget this kick in the stomach.
And you will spend the rest of your life thinking, “Oh my God … I blew it!”
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Stuck again
It’s official. We live in a time when somebody will file a lawsuit over anything — without shame, without the slightest concern over the implications of his lawsuit.
Take Nathaniel King of Saratoga Springs, N.Y. He has a problem with needles — and no, he doesn’t use them to inject illegal drugs.
He would never do that. In fact, he’s downright scared of needles. When he sees ’em, he passes out. He even went to a hypnotist to try to get over this fear, but it didn’t work.
What’s crazy about this case of needlephobia is that it seriously interfered with King’s job as a city firefighter. In fact, it prevented him from finishing his newly required paramedic training.
You see, paramedics have to use needles on patients to give injections or start IVs. In his paramedic training, King fainted away like an exhausted marathoner every time he saw the sharp, shiny things.
Since King couldn’t do this crucial part of his job, he was asked to leave his job.
You might think he would accept this decision, but no. He is suing to get his job back.
Think about that: We live in a country where a judge will be asked to force a city to hire a firefighter who admits he can’t fulfill all of his duties — like one that could cause someone to die.
I hope I never get injured in Saratoga Springs, N.Y.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Look out below
A 52-year-old man who had just been convicted of child molesting leaped off the ninth floor of a courthouse in Santa Ana, Calif., on Tuesday. And no, he didn’t survive the fall.
It seems that Carlos Tello climbed out onto a balcony with a suicide note tucked into his clothing and jumped. Or plunged, more accurately.
A bailiff actually saw him before he went over the edge and tried to pull him back. But he said, “Nobody’s stopping me,” and he was right.
Tello had just been convicted of repeatedly molesting a young girl between 1989 and 1994. He was facing more than 20 years in the pen.
I know we are not supposed to be pleased with anyone’s death, and we are all Children of God and all that.
But I have tried really hard here, and I am having a hard time feeling sorry for this creep.
I am thinking more along the lines of, "Good riddance."
Monday, March 03, 2008
Dreamland
You’re not just dreaming. Well, actually you are, and that’s part of the problem.
A survey by the National Sleep Foundation reveals that we aren’t getting enough rest. You, me, Uncle Bob, Aunt Sue, the whole gang.
A third of us have fallen asleep at work or gotten very, very tired.
Why? Because we are averaging only six hours and 40 minutes of sleep per night. (Or day, if you work nights. Whatever.) And 6/40 is not enough.
The sleep czars won’t get any grief from me on this one.
In fact, as I was writing this blog, I was getting very drowsy … I began to drift off …. and …
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