We’ve all heard about the slower pace of life in the South, but this is ridiculous.
In Tennessee, the Carter County Sheriff’s Department is trying to serve an 80-year-old warrant for the arrest of a man who wrote a $30 bad check.
These lawmen don’t even know if a certain J.A. Rowland is still alive.
If he is, he’d better have some pocket change. Not only does he still owe $30 for the bad check, on top of that you can add $2 for the arrest fee and 50 cents each for the affidavit and warrant.
Man, they weren’t kidding when they said crime didn’t pay.
And why go through all this nonsense?
Well, clerks in a Georgia sheriff’s office found the warrant buried in a records storage room while cleaning it out.
So they mailed it to Carter County, Tenn., where the sheriff says he is still legally obligated to find the perp and haul him in.
OK, sheriff, if that’s the case, here’s a tip:
Try the cemetery.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Blind justice
Thursday, February 26, 2009
You can never be too careful
A law designed to keep al Qaida sleeper agents from infiltrating U.S. ports is having some unintended consequences.
As in, does it apply to mule drivers at a historical park in Pennsylvania?
Seems that the employees who operate a boat pulled by mules at the National Canal Museum in Easton, Pa., have been told they need something called “Transportation Worker Identification Credentials.”
Just like port workers, even though the only weapon of destruction they get near is a mule’s hoof.
To normal taxpayers, this smells like a fresh load of mule muffins.
The congressman representing this tourist trap, er, quaint reminder of our cherished history, has asked the Department of Homeland Security for a ruling. The head honcho, Janet Napolitano, said she’ll check it out and get back with him.
Let’s hope for good news. And let’s hope the feds don’t want a background check on the mules.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Checkmate
A Bulgarian grandmaster has broken the world record for the highest number of chess games played at one time.
The AP says, “Kiril Georgiev played a total of 360 games simultaneously, winning 284, drawing 70 and losing six, during a marathon that lasted 14 hours and 8 minutes.”
Afterward, most people reacted by saying, “Uh, why?”
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
To catch a thief
Good grief, what is this country coming to?
You read something and you just shake your head in shame and disgust.
Like the story about the 75-year-old man in Stuart, Fla., who was robbed of his new laptop computer and printer while coming out of a Best Buy.
I know what you’re thinking: The poor old guy was just trying to learn about this newfangled Internet. Then some young punk — age 29, in this case — comes along and rips him off, not even caring that he probably used his Social Security check to buy the stuff.
No, my friends, that is not what disgusts me about this story.
What really ticks me off is … the old fella chased down the young hoodlum and held him until cops could arrive!
The pinhead couldn’t even outrun a geezer more than twice his age! Or struggle away from him once he was nabbed! And — oh, the humanity — he made it only 8 feet before grandpa collared him!
Folks, we are in serious trouble when young criminals are in such bad shape that they can’t even take down senior citizens.
What is the future of crime in this country if the next generation of lawbreakers is so fat and lazy that they can’t commit the most basic offenses?
Will purse-snatchings become a thing of the past? Will gang-bangers be forced to hold signs at intersections reading, “Will rob for food … if it’s not too hard.” Will exciting chase scenes disappear from our movies because the criminal community can’t uphold its end of the bargain — i.e., the fleeing part?
… Please, Lord, take me before it comes to pass.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Pirate problems
I don’t know what you do if you are the manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates.
Unlike that city’s hockey and football teams, which have enjoyed tremendous success, the Pirates stink.
They haven’t had a winning season in forever. They go through managers, coaches and players like Obama goes through Cabinet nominees.
And it’s hard to blame the revolving door of managers, coaches and players. They’re mired in a culture of losing, and it never seems to end. A good year is finishing next-to-last, not last.
But check out what the Pirates G.M. said of first-year manager John Russell, whose contract was renewed for a second year.
“J.R. met or exceeded expectations in his first year as the Pirates manager.”
Huh? The Pirates were 67-95. You can’t get much worse as a major league team. And this “met or exceeded expectations”?
Those expectations must have been lower than whale poop in the Mariana Trench.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Public/private sectors
People often stop me and ask, “What is the difference between business and government?”
I usually say something like, “Business has to make a profit to survive so it must be efficient and responsive. Government is not bothered by such quaint notions.”
I think that’s a good answer, but the next time I am asked this question, I will tell my truth-seeker about the County Clerk in El Paso County, Colorado.
This public "servant" had to lay off 19 employees last year, and he wasn’t happy about it. So Bob Balink has figured out a way to show his displeasure.
He has instructed his remaining staff to simply stop answering the telephones.
If some stupid taxpayer wants to bother them, they can try to find what they need on the office’s Web site. Or they can come down in person. Or they can listen to the recorded message on the phone, which directs them to the county assessor or treasurer.
… Yes, I think that’s a better way to explain the difference between business and government.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Welcome to the new economy
OK, the stock market is down a little.
OK, the stock market is down a lot.
Today, the Dow Jones industrial average closed at … 6.
Seriously, it was a bit higher, but not much — 7,465, the lowest finish since October 2002.
As you look at your ruined portfolio, your worthless 401(K) and your nightmarish retirement, you’re probably wondering what to do.
Well, this is your lucky day. Generally, I don’t give out stock tips, but here are three sure-fire investment opportunities that will put you in the black again:
-- Hides R Us. Clothing will soon be unaffordable in the new Depression, but this trendy startup offers low-maintenance animal pelts that are almost as good, if you don’t mind the smell.
-- IndenturedServants.com. This is the perfect opportunity for someone down on his luck. Simply sign on the dotted line, and after seven years of backbreaking labor you’ll have a few coins rattling around in your pocket again.
-- Contract Kills Inc. Even in hard times, hatred never goes out of style. Somebody always wants somebody else killed, but lacks the guts or guns to do the job. That’s where you come in. For a small fee, CKI puts you in contact with the customer, and you do the rest.
(Legal representation not included in case something goes wrong.)
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Blago-Burris blathering
The Associated Press wrote:
“An increasingly embattled Sen. Roland Burris said he ‘welcomes’ the opportunity to answer renewed questions from authorities and elected officials about how he landed a coveted Senate appointment from ousted Gov. Rod Blagojevich.”
I wrote:
Burris also “sharply disagreed” with a colleague who said a peanut butter sandwich would make a better senator.
Blago later insisted that the growing scandal “does not prove I was the lousiest leader since Caligula.”
Burris went on to say that “not every Chicago politician is crooked. … Just most of ’em.”
Blago also swore that he would be vindicated by a jury of his peers “assuming my lawyer can get 12 dirtbags seated.”
… For more developments on the Blago-Burris moronathon, please stayed tuned to any media outlet because something seems to happen with distressing regularity.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Two steps forward, one step back
Muzzammil Hassan could have made a difference. He was that rarity in American media, a Muslim television executive.
Hassan launched Bridges TV network in 2004. He wanted to show that not all Muslims were terrorists after the 9-11 attacks.
Fair enough. Muslims shouldn’t be defined by the actions of a few haters, just as Christians shouldn’t be defined by the horrors of the Inquisition.
Unfortunately, whatever good work Hassan did to promote moderation and tolerance has now been, uh, overshadowed.
Police say he beheaded his wife in their upstate New York home after she filed for divorce.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Nailed
A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s longest fingernails has lost them in a car crash
Lee Redmond was ejected from an SUV in the crash earlier this week and taken to a hospital in serious condition.
She is expected to survive, but her nails did not. They had not been cut since 1979.
Collectively -- and incredibly -- her nails measured a total of more than 28 feet — and that was in 2008. The longest single nail was the one on her right thumb — 2 feet 11 inches.
… Weird. Very, very, very weird.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Brett, yet again
“I’ve given everything I’ve got. I have nothing left to give.”
-- Brett Favre, on March 6, 2008, announcing his retirement from the Green Bay Packers.
“He felt he had given us everything he had.”
-- N.Y. Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum on Feb. 11, 2009, announcing Favre’s retirement from the Jets.
… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that Brett’s Favre’s retirement is the gift that keeps on giving.
Next year, Broncos or Rams.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
And that's no bull
I’ll try anything once — except a new soft drink made from cow urine.
Unfortunately, that’s exactly what a Hindu group in India plans to sell.
“It won’t be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins,” claimed an official with the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, India’s oldest Hindu nationalist group.
Sorry, but I just don’t think this boat will float.
Granted, the name is kind of exotic and catchy — “gau jal.” But then you find out that it translates to “cow water” and you quickly lose your enthusiasm.
There are many reasons why a new soft drink made from cow urine will not succeed, and I’ve identified the three main ones:
1) After a brisk game of tennis or golf, an ice cold Pepsi can be refreshing. After a brisk game of tennis or golf, a bottle of cow urine would be disgusting.
2) Many alcoholic drinks can be combined with soft drinks, such as your basic rum and Coke. I don’t think anyone will ever wander into a bar and say, “Gimme some vodka, will ya? And splash in some cow urine too.”
3) Some people like to drink a Dr Pepper or Sprite with their meal. If you try to wash down your burger with a foaming glass of treated cow piss, you’re probably going to retch within seconds.
… But I could be wrong. I never thought barbecued potato chips would take off.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
TV victory
Is this a great world or what?
A man from Sri Lanka living in Canada but visiting Sweden has broken his own world record for nonstop broadcast-television watching.
Suresh Joachim racked up 72 hours in his moronathon, smashing his previous record of 69 hours and 48 minutes set in 2005.
Afterward, the champ had no complaints, saying: “I feel fine. I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee.”
Many questions come to mind:
-- Why did Joachim do this in Sweden? That’s an awfully long way to go to set a world record that could be accomplished by sitting anywhere.
-- Why did the AP report call this the world record for “broadcast-television watching.” What about cable? Or movies on DVDs? Do they have separate world records?
-- If he drank 25-30 cups of coffee, he wasn’t watching TV the whole time. Since he spent more than a few minutes in the restroom, should he be credited with a full 72 hours?
Whatever. At least we know that despite your physical limitations, your intelligence or your desire to actually do something, you too can brag to your friends about being in the Guinness Book of World Records.
If you have any friends, that is.
Monday, February 09, 2009
This is your captain speaking
I don’t know much about the U.S. Navy, but I have heard this: If a captain lets his ship run aground — for whatever reason — he is relieved of his command.
I think it’s true, because it just happened to Capt. John Carroll, the commanding officer of the USS Port Royal, a $1 billion warship that ran aground along the coast of Honolulu last week. (Make that former commanding officer.)
Someone who knew a little bit about the Navy once explained it to me like this:
The Navy’s reasoning is that as a highly skilled captain, you should not let this happen. You should make sure that the officers under your command don’t let it happen. You should do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t happen.
And if it does happen, your career is over. No excuses, no second chances, no appeals.
And if you know that this is what will happen to you, you make sure it doesn’t happen. If you let it happen anyway, well, you get a head start on retirement.
That’s tough.
It’s also probably the only way the military can function.
It’s also a pity that concept of responsibility and accountability isn’t more common on the civilian side.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Stinky suit
Wow; talk about egg on your face — and crap in the can!
A British university has apologized to a Ph.D. student for accidentally throwing away his seven-year collection of lizard poop.
That was not a misprint. Doctoral candidate Daniel Bennett had been painstakingly collecting lizard droppings in the Philippines. (For the good of science, or something.) And not just any lizard, but the rare butaan lizard, which is a relative of the Komodo dragon. (But you knew that.)
Unfortunately, his 77-pound bag of the special s**t was tossed by cleaners at his lab at Leeds University.
He said the crap caper “left me reeling.” (The smell would do that to me.)
And these days, you don’t take an insult like that lying down. Even though the university offered him compensation of 500 pounds (that’s English money, not more poop) Bennett scoffed and said he would see them in court.
Frankly, I don’t know what the university can do at this point to head off a big judgment. They don’t make Hallmark cards for this kind of faux pas, so I would send Danno a note that reads:
“Dear Dan.
“Hey, stuff happens! It was only s**t. There’s more where that came from.
“How about if we give you an office with a window and call it even?
“Please reply at your earliest convenience. … And wash your hands before you sign the letter, OK?”
Stay tuned, but not too diligently.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Tax triumph II
The White House press office released the following official clarification today of its official statement yesterday. (See posting below.)
“President Barack Obama will not be issuing a retraction of yesterday’s official statement. It is still technically true that an entire day went by without an embarrassing revelation that one of his top appointees was a tax deadbeat.
“The president asks all fair-minded Americans to note that it was not Hilda Solis, his nominee to be Labor secretary, who had an annoying problem with back taxes. It was her husband, who had to cough up $6,400 to settle tax liens on his auto repair business, some of which had outstanding as long as 16 years.
“I mean, it’s not like they were related or lived together or anything. … OK, technically, that’s not true. But again, it was her husband, the other person who filed joint income tax returns with her, not her.
“Therefore, the president believes he has indeed gone an entire day without this particular problem. He wishes his critics would stop harping on an issue that the American people want to move beyond.
“Oh, and one more thing. Labor secretary nominee Hilda Solis does not yet believe she has become a ‘distraction’ for the new administration, if you catch my drift.
“Thank you and good day.”
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Tax triumph
The White House press office released the following statement today:
“Greetings. President Obama and his entire administration would like to state that they are extremely pleased that none of his appointees were discovered to have tax problems today.
“This achievement means that the president will not have to say he ‘absolutely’ stands behind a troubled nominee who has one foot out the door. It will not force the president to respond to those annoying questions about why he is producing business-as-usual instead of change.
“We are fully confident that another couple of days will roll by without any more of these embarrassing disclosures. Heck, if we string together a few more of these babies, we’re talking a week-long streak.
“We hope the American people will continue to support this administration and all the hard work we are doing to undo the catastrophic policies of the past eight years. … And if anyone knows a good tax attorney who can work discreetly with high-profile clients, please give us a call.
“Thank you and good day.”
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Distractions
Barack Obama has been president for less than a month, but I think he already has his first Medal of Freedom recipients:
Nancy Killefer and Tom Daschle.
Why, you may ask? Well, gee whiz, it’s because of their incredible selflessness.
Killefer withdrew her nomination to be the first chief performance officer for the federal government because she had “come to realize in the current environment that my personal tax issue of D.C. unemployment tax could be used to create exactly the kind of distraction and delay” that could undermine the new administration.
Ditto for Daschle.
He too bailed out as secretary of Health and Human Services because he didn’t want to “be a distraction” from the new president’s drive for health care reform.
Did you catch that, taxpayers? They were willing to fall on their swords because they didn’t want to become a distraction for the new president — not because they were exposed as tax deadbeats and hypocrites.
What noble public servants. I am too choked up to continue. After my sobs have subsided, I intend to write a letter to the president asking him to name a mountain in their honor or declare their birthdays national holidays.
If I don’t get distracted.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Don't mess with Texas
To: Kwame Kilpatrick, former mayor of Detroit
Re: Your possible plans to relocate in Texas
Congratulations, Kwame. You have successfully completed your 120-day sentence for corruption (and extreme stupidity). You will soon be a free man. In fact, you got out early for good behavior.
I hope you’ve learned a lesson and will turn your life around. But if you’re headed for Texas, please turn around. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to learn you are probably coming to the Lone Star State for a job interview, details unknown.
Kwame, we have enough problems down here, not to mention enough shady politicians. One more is one more too many.
If you carpetbag down here, nutty Rod Blagojevich could follow. Then former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig might get ideas. (Ick!)
You catch my drift? Pretty soon, we could be knee-deep in rehabilitation projects.
Please stay up north and bless folks up there with your, uh, presence.
If you absolutely must start fresh somewhere, consider a place with lower standards, like Las Vegas. You’d fit in better, and you wouldn’t have to wear cowboy boots or eat enchiladas.
Good luck, and don’t stay in touch.
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