Welcome to the new economy

OK, the stock market is down a little.

OK, the stock market is down a lot.

Today, the Dow Jones industrial average closed at … 6.

Seriously, it was a bit higher, but not much — 7,465, the lowest finish since October 2002.

As you look at your ruined portfolio, your worthless 401(K) and your nightmarish retirement, you’re probably wondering what to do.

Well, this is your lucky day. Generally, I don’t give out stock tips, but here are three sure-fire investment opportunities that will put you in the black again:

-- Hides R Us. Clothing will soon be unaffordable in the new Depression, but this trendy startup offers low-maintenance animal pelts that are almost as good, if you don’t mind the smell.

-- IndenturedServants.com. This is the perfect opportunity for someone down on his luck. Simply sign on the dotted line, and after seven years of backbreaking labor you’ll have a few coins rattling around in your pocket again.

-- Contract Kills Inc. Even in hard times, hatred never goes out of style. Somebody always wants somebody else killed, but lacks the guts or guns to do the job. That’s where you come in. For a small fee, CKI puts you in contact with the customer, and you do the rest.
(Legal representation not included in case something goes wrong.)