I said it before and I will say it again:
If you murder your husband by driving over and over him in your Mercedes on the parking lot of the hotel where he is banging his mistress, in front of numerous witness and a private investigator videotaping the whole thing … with your daughter in the front seat the entire time, screaming like an electrician who just touched a hot wire …
PLEAD GUILTY!!!
Do NOT hire an expensive attorney, plead innocent and expect to get off … Clara Harris!
You will lose your freedom and your money.
And people like me will say, “I told you so, ya dummy!”
Clara Harris, for those who have not been following this soap opera, was in court again this week. And she lost again. (Are we picking up a pattern here?)
This time, Clara was suing her attorney for taking too much of her money. He said he didn’t take enough.
Guess what? The jury sided with the attorney.
Now Clara has to pay George Parnham another $70,250 for expenses from her murder trial … plus … get this … brace yourself … you might want to sit down … another $400,000 for his legal expenses for this trial!
Can it get any worse for poor Clara?
I would say no, not unless they cancel movie night at the women’s prison or tell the inmates they have to drink instant coffee instead of fresh-brewed.
Clara is probably down in the dumps, seeing as she is serving a 20-year sentence and has had to turn over all or most of her considerable assets to the very attorney who couldn’t keep her out of prison.
I feel sorry for her, I guess, in a vague way.
But she was an educated woman (a dentist) and she should have had enough sense to say five magic words that would have earned her a short stint behind bars and saved her a ton of money:
“I plead guilty, your honor.”
Friday, February 29, 2008
More Clara chronicles
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Life without parole*
If you’d like to know why some people — like me — favor the death penalty for some murders, consider the case of Arnold King in Massachusetts.
In 1971, this 18-year-old punk killed a promising young man, John Labanara. Labanara, 26, was an aide to the mayor of Boston at the time, Kevin White.
Labanara had just passed the bar exam. He was coming home after celebrating this terrific achievement with his friends.
What should have been one of his family’s happiest days became one of its worst. King, drunk and stoned, killed him with a shot to the head while trying to rob him.
At least King was caught and convicted. And here comes the tricky part. He was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Without parole.
Now, 36 years later, he is applying for parole. Excuse me, they’re calling it “commutation.”
His request has been unanimously supported by the Massachusetts Parole Board. (Not the Massachusetts Commutation Board.)
You could argue that King has paid his debt. He’s earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees, published articles, advised other inmates and counseled kids about the kind of mistakes he made. (Detractors also point out that he has had more than 50 disciplinary reports while in prison.)
36 years behind bars is a long time.
But King was sentenced to life without parole. Not life with parole (excuse me again, “commutation” after 36 years).
Maybe the state shouldn’t have given that sentence to an 18-year-old kid. Maybe he has served far more time than most other murderers in most other states.
But if states like Massachusetts are going to find loopholes in “life without parole” sentences, they should junk the category entirely.
If a victim’s family hears the words “life without parole,” it should mean just that.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Hey, here comes a big one!
If the diver in your family is looking for the ultimate shark experience, you should refer him or her to Scuba Adventures of Riviera Beach, Fla.
This isn’t some lame, wannabe outfit. They boast on their Web site that they “specialize in big animal encounters. … Get face-to-face with giant sea turtles, swim with wild dolphins and dive with sharks. … No one can get you closer, or get you the best photographic opportunities.”
And they mean it too. Sometimes, however, closer isn’t better.
Markus Groh, an Austrian tourist on one of their dives, died Monday.
Cause of death: shark bite.
Reason for cause of death: Waters baited with bloody fish parts — that’s chum, for you landlubbers — to attract sharks.
I think it worked too well.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Clara's car crime
Clara Harris is back in court. That’s interesting, and ironic.
Clara, of course, was the wealthy dentist who drove over her husband — repeatedly — in her Mercedes in the parking lot of a Houston hotel in 2002.
Why would a gal do such a thing, you may ask? Well, that was because she found out he’d been seeing someone else, and I’m not just talkin’ lookin’.
Needless to say, after being used as a speed bump by his better half, Mr. Harris wouldn’t be “seeing someone” anymore — or doing much of anything except lying in his coffin.
Oh, and did I mention that their daughter was in the car the whole time, screaming like a banshee while Mom and Dad had their little tiff?
Even for Texas, that was quite a crime.
Anyhow, Clara is suing her attorney in that case, saying he overcharged her. She says she had agreed to pay George Parnham 75 grand but ended up forking over $235,000.
Parnham disagrees. In fact, he says she still owes him money.
Whatever; let ’em fight it out.
But the biggest mistake Clara and her attorney ever made was not pleading guilty from the get-go. She could have done a few years and then gotten on with her life.
Instead, she foolishly tried to fight the charge and got 20 years.
Maybe they were hoping for a sympathetic jury. Maybe they were thinking she’d get only a few years anyway.
Bad thinking. She was guilty as hell. The thing was on videotape, no less. She should have ’fessed up and faced the music.
Apparently, despite all her wealth and all her education, Clara never heard Kenny Rogers wail, “You gotta know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em.”
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Death and old age
Jack Smith is one step closer to the death chamber in a Texas prison. Trouble is, he might need a walker to reach it.
You see, Smith is 70. He’s been on Death Row for nearly 30 years. He’s the oldest condemned man in the state. (That’s something to tell the grandkids, I guess.)
Smith recently lost another appeal before the U.S. Supreme Court. I’m not sure anyone knows how many of those he has gone through.
This one, however, is supposed to be his last “last chance.” If the Supreme Court doesn’t rule that lethal injection is cruel and unusual punishment — and it shouldn’t — executions would resume in Texas and other states.
I’m all for snuffing convicted killers. In Smith’s case, that should have happened decades ago.
It didn’t, however. Now Texas would look like a big meanie if it executed a 70-year-old man — who has cancer, by the way.
I’d punt this one. Let Jack Smith die in prison and face his maker. He will be judged for his crime then.
It shouldn’t be too much longer.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Taylor's troubles
A few years ago, you would have guessed he'd end up in the NFL.
Glory, money, the whole bit. After all, he was a running back, and a good one. Scored 15 TDs for the University of Texas in the big year — ’05.
Instead Ramonce Taylor has gone from the national championship Longhorns to lockup.
He got five months last week. He’s lucky it wasn’t longer.
The year after winning the national title, Taylor got himself kicked off the team. This rocket scientist was caught with four pounds of pot in his car.
Since them, he’s failed two drug tests, been found with a small amount of pot yet again, cited for another charge of criminal trespassing, failed to meet with his probation officer and was caught inside a nightclub (a no-no because he was on probation).
You wonder how someone could throw it all away like that, but I guess it happens.
Taylor still hopes to make it in the pros. Had a tryout with the Kansas City Chiefs. Says they were considering him for special teams. Says he’s found the Lord and will get straight.
I hope so, but I’d say the odds are slim.
He was so close to a pretty amazing life, and now he is so far.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Get on the bus
When you’re on a bus trip, you want a driver who’s conscientious. You want someone who knows the rules he’s supposed to abide by -- and follows them.
Then again, there’s such a thing as taking the rules too far.
Take the unidentified man who was driving a charter bus for Greyhound on Thursday near Corsicana. He was headed for Dallas, 60 miles away.
But his allotted time for driving was up. So he pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store and told his passengers that another driver would replace him. With that, he up and left.
His poor passengers, felt, well, abandoned. And these weren’t just ordinary passengers.
They were 40 men WHO HAD JUST BEEN PAROLED OR RELEASED FROM THE STATE PEN. Some wore ankle bracelets, and I’m not talking jewelry.
Fortunately, these weren’t your average run-of-the-mill prisoners. They were the just- released-or-paroled kind. So they played nice.
At first, they just milled around the bus … until the store clerk called police and said something to the effect of, “Uh, I got a problem here.”
Cops arrived and watched the prisoners while dispatchers and Greyhound folks tried to get another driver. And one finally showed up three hours later.
No word yet on what happened to the first bus driver who bailed out. He needs some kind of punishment, and not just being disqualified for Driver of the Month.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Valentine's Day massacre
Does India have an equivalent to the Christmas Grinch for Valentine’s Day? Apparently so.
Some Hindu hard-liners in India think that Western concepts like Valentine’s Day undermine the country’s traditions and values. And these hard-liners are playing hardball with our happy holiday.
They burned Valentine’s Day cards in New Delhi and chanted, “Down with Valentine.” (Not very original.) In the nearby city of Lucknow (which sounds like an unusual name for a town in India — or any country, for that matter) they threatened to beat up couples showing Valentine-ish affection. (Sort of like replacing Cupid’s arrow with a billy club.)
Wow; these folks do not seem like a fun bunch. How would you like to be married to one? They make our fundamentalists seem tame.
Fortunately, some brave Indians are plunging ahead and celebrating the Big Day anyway.
The Associated Press quoted one young college student as saying, “What right do these people have to set the do’s and don’ts for young lovers on Valentine’s Day? We have planned a massive party and will go ahead with it.”
Go for it, dude! If the hardliners come after you, tell them that a family on the next block is having a birthday party … or some young hellions down the street are dancing.
That should distract them long enough for you to bring out the heart-shaped boxes of chocolate.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Bushwhacked
Guys, when you are planning to give a ring to that certain someone to begin a wonderful life of watching sunsets, raising children and fighting over the TV remote, remember a key point:
Don’t spend more for the ring than you would for a house.
A multi-millionaire once engaged to marry the former sister-in-law of President Bush made that mistake. Now the gentleman — make that the elderly gentleman, Gerald Tsai Jr., 78 — is out a big chunk of change.
Tsai is suing Sharon Bush, 55, for the return of the engagement ring. He bought the 11-carat yellow diamond from Saks Fifth Avenue for $243,000 and now says it’s worth $434,000.
Whatever the real value, that is one pricey rock.
Sharon Bush, for those of you who are weak on Bush family genealogy, was once married to Neil Bush, who is the brother of George Bush, the current president who is the son of George Bush, a former president. Got that?
Tsai was born in Shanghai, China, and began his investment career at Bache & Co. Over the years, he bought, sold and ran several companies and become quite wealthy.
Yet if he’s so smart, how did he end up giving a six-figure engagement ring to a woman who would not become his wife. ... And how can a 78-year-old man be named “Jr.”?
The Bush family doesn’t need any more scandals. They should let him spend a few weeks at Kennebunkport each summer and call it even.
Bushwhacked
Guys, when you are planning to give a ring to that certain someone to begin a wonderful life of watching sunsets, raising children and fighting over the TV remote, remember a key point:
Don’t spend more for the ring than you would for a house.
A multi-millionaire once engaged to marry the former sister-in-law of President Bush made that mistake. Now the gentleman — make that the elderly gentleman, Gerald Tsai Jr., 78 — is out a big chunk of change.
Tsai is suing Sharon Bush, 55, for the return of the engagement ring. He bought the rectangular yellow diamond from Saks Fifth Avenue for $243,000 and now says it’s worth $434,000. Whatever the real value, that is one pricey rock.
Sharon Bush, for those of you who are weak on Bush family genealogy, was once married to Neil Bush, who is the brother of George Bush, the current president who is the son of George Bush, a former president. Got that?
Tsai was born in Shanghai, China, and began his investment career in 1951 at Bache & Co. Over the years, he has bought, sold and ran several companies and become quite wealthy.
Yet if he’s so smart, how did he end up giving a six-figure engagement ring to a woman who would not become his wife. And how can a 78-year-old man be named “Jr.”?
The Bush family doesn’t need any more scandals. They should let him spend a few weeks at Kennebunkport each summer and call it even.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Quiz time
The following statement was made by a prominent person this week. See if you can guess who the quote was about:
“We loved her. We respected her. I worshipped her and I still do. … (There was) nobody stronger, nobody smarter, nobody more compassionate. … When (she) died, part of me died. The best part.”
OK, who do you think this person was talking about:
A) Princess Diana
B) Mother Teresa
C) Eleanor Roosevelt
D) Anna Nicole Smith
The answer, if you can believe, is D) Anna Nicole Smith.
I know, you’re thinking: “Wow! I thought it would be one of those other famous women. I didn’t know Anna Nicole was that brilliant. I thought she was just a bimbo airhead who finally OD’d.”
Well, that’s what I thought too.
But Howard K. Stern, her lawyer/boyfriend felt otherwise. He blabbed those things and more about Anna Nicole at a memorial service Friday in the Bahamas, where the poor girl left this earth for wherever it is people like her go.
It does make you sad. We’ll never know how high Anna Nicole could have soared. She might have won a Nobel Prize. Or discovered a cure for cancer. Or starred in another trampy movie.
Whatever. We’ll let Stern and the other parasites battle over her fortune. Thank God Paris and Britney are still alive (for now) and can carry the torch for a new generation.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Internet yuks
This one has been bouncing around the Internet. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a laugh. If I see any good ones that poke fun at the other side, I’ll post them later:
Dear Miss Lonely Hearts:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn’t even pretend to like me. He doesn’t even defend my reputation when people suggest there’s something wrong with me.
What should I do?
(signed) Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don’t need him anymore! You’re a U.S. senator from New York running for president of the United States. Act like one!
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
More crime/time problems
Lots of people say, “If you do the crime, do the time.”
I say it, too. I think it even applies to CEOs as well as street punks.
Tom Coughlin, the former No. 2 executive at Wal-Mart, pleaded guilty two years ago to fraud and tax evasion. He’d been stealing gift cards and also using company funds to cover the theft of other items.
Wal-Mart’s loss from his not-so-little scheme was estimated at $500,000.
So how many years did Coughlin catch? Well, none.
A federal judge initially sentenced him to 27 months of home detention, five years of probation, a $50,000 fine and restitution of $400,000.
Prosecutors appealed the sentence as too lenient, such as the part about no prison time. Coughlin could have gotten as many as 28 years inside.
So the same judge looked at the case again, and agreed he’d taken it too easy on the exec.
This time, he added 1,500 hours of community service … but no prison time.
The judge cited Coughlin’s clean record, history of community service and medical problems.
OK, so maybe that means he spends only a few years behind bars. Not “no years.”
The bottom line is that he stole a half-million and will never see the inside of a cell.
Not fair, especially because lots of punks get hard time (and deserve it) for small-dollar crimes.
After his second wrist-slap, Coughlin said, “Judge, I just want to thank you for your fairness.”
He was probably thinking, “Holy cow! I can’t believe this clown bought my sob story!”
Monday, February 04, 2008
A Giant upset
I have never been happier to be wrong about a Super Bowl prediction.
I said the Pats would prevail 33-24, but of course that was way too many points for this bowl.
Actually, I also said the Giants would cover the 13/14-point spread, so maybe I was right and wrong. Perhaps, but that is too much thinking for a post-Super Bowl Monday.
I also noted that my heart was with Eli Manning even though my head was screaming Tom Brady, so I was delighted to see the Giants win. Finally, poor Eli isn’t “the other Manning.”
The Giants are the only New York team I can root for. In all other sports, especially baseball, I desperately want the gang from Gotham to lose.
Bill Belichick didn’t take the defeat well. In a brief, post-game interview, he was grumpy, close-mouthed and prickly. … OK, he’s like that all the time, so I guess that didn’t mean much.
One final thought: Don Shula and the rest of the ’72 Dolphins will go to their graves with smiles on their faces. If their perfect season couldn’t be matched this year, it is probably not gonna happen.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Superpatriots
My heart is with Eli Manning. But my head is with Tom Brady. The Patriots will prevail on Sunday.
It would be wonderful to see Eli win the big bowl this year after brother Peyton did it last year. Especially because Eli is always compared to Peyton as the Manning who can’t quite man up.
Against any other team, the Giants might have a chance. But the Pats are too disciplined and too good this year.
Their coach is grumpy and weird, but he is also the best brain in football right now. Their quarterback is much better than his glamour-boy image would suggest. The Pats don’t make mistakes to help you, and they make big plays to hurt you.
The Giants would need to have everything break their way for a win. Everything never breaks one way.
The one solace for Giants’ fans is that they will cover the spread. Go ahead and take the points and at least win a few bucks when they lose.
The final score will be 33-24. You read it here first.
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