Here’s a final post from yours truly before a week of vacation:
Well, lah-dee-dah.
Minneapolis is one of the most literate cities in America.
According to an annual survey cited in USA Today, Minneapolis ranks near the top in six major categories: newspaper circulation, number of bookstores, library resources, periodical publishing resources, educational attainment and Internet resources.
Sorry to sound like a party-pooper, but I’m not impressed.
If Minneapolisans are so smart, how come they live in a place where you can get frostbite checking the mail — in March?
If Minneapolisans are so smart, how come they let the North Stars slip away to Dallas? Hockey is the national sport of Canada and other cold places, for cryin’ out loud. … You’d never see the Cowboys flee Big D for the Great White North.
If Minneapolisans are so smart, how come they live in a state that still hasn’t elected a senator nearly two months after the rest of us yokels managed to pull that off?
If Minneapolisans are so smart, how come they held the GOP National Convention the same day Hurricane Gustav was battering New Orleans and taking away all the national coverage?
Don’t get me wrong; literacy is a nice thing. But who wants to visit Minneapolis to tour its libraries?
You can -- and should -- read anywhere. I’d much rather live in place with a warm beach, a neat zoo or a pro team that actually wins.
Taking a few days off now; see ya on Jan. 5. Be good — or at least don’t get caught.
Friday, December 26, 2008
One last post, then vacation
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas, Nazi style
May you enjoy a wonderful Christmas and appreciate the true meaning of this special time of year.
I will try to do that with my family and give thanks for God’s blessings.
Then, in a time-honored tradition to celebrate the birth of Prince of Peace, we’ll load up the ol’ wagon and head off to the mall for a movie about the most evil man who ever lived.
(Not Tom Cruise. Adolf Hitler.)
If you get close enough to smell the popcorn this month, there’s a good chance you’ll be watching snarling Nazis and heroic Allies too.
There are six — six, count ’em six! — World War II films out this month. Hollywood’s motto seems to be, “When in doubt, show a Kraut.” The list includes:
-- “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas,” about a strange friendship between the son of a Nazi officer and a Jewish boy in a concentration camp.
-- “The Reader," starring Kate Winslet as a former concentration-camp guard on trial after the war.
-- “Adam Resurrected,” about a Holocaust survivor (Jeff Goldblum) in a mental institution.
They will soon be followed by:
-- “Defiance,” about two brothers fighting the Nazis from a secret hideout in the woods.
-- “Good,” starring Viggo Mortensen as an intellectual lured into the SS.
Then, of course, there’s “Valkyrie,” opening on Christmas Day. Tom Cruise plays the German officer who tried to kill Hitler.
(The one time you wanted the Teutonic types to be as efficient as their stereotypes, they dropped the strudel. Way to go, Claus!)
So far, the reviews of “Valkyrie” seem to range from “stunningly bad” to “not too bad.”
What more endorsement could you want?
See you at the multi-plex, schweinhund!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Shop/drop
So what’s the perfect bookend to “Black Friday” (BF), the shopping marathon that kicks off the Christmas retail season?
You guessed it: All-Night Wednesday (ANW).
That’s right, consumers. As the Associated Press put it:
“The nation’s stores are pulling all-nighters and deepening discounts in the final hours before Christmas, trying to draw in all the shoppers they can as they face dismal sales in what will likely end up as the worst holiday season in decades.”
It seems like a waste of time and priorities to me, but at least ANW makes a little more sense than BF — similar to the way death by explosion makes more sense than death by fire.
Some harried shoppers might not get any time off from their jobs until Wednesday. For them, a last-minute all-nighter is justifiable.
And unlike the “campers” who wait outside stores on Thanksgiving night to be first in line for Black Friday Madness, at least you’re inside for ANW. If Nature calls, you can answer.
And you might get some good deals by waiting until the very final hours. Some retailers will be desperate to move merchandise off their shelves and cash into their registers.
Personally, I’ve copped out with gift cards and envelopes containing pictures of dead presidents.
It doesn’t show much imagination, I’ll admit. But I do get to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with my family.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Ralph, again
It wasn’t exactly the political story of the year: A judge dismissed a lawsuit by perennial candidate Ralph Nader that accused the Democratic Party of conspiring to keep him off the ballot in the presidential election.
Boring, you say? Irrelevant to life as we know it?
Absolutely. Even more so because Ralphie’s lawsuit was about the 2004 election, not the one we had in November.
How could this thing linger in the courts for four long years? How much money was spent on lawyers kicking this can down the road month after month?
Please go away, Ralph.
99 percent of Americans have never voted for you.
The 1 percent who did will never admit it.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Inmate of the Year
Our nominee for Inmate of the Year is … Jimmy Folsom.
And who can be surprised, with a last name like that?
Anyway, Jimmy is a guest of the state in Huntsville.
But he had bigger ambitions. He wanted to serve his time in New Hampshire.
Why? Well,’cause Jimmy heard that the Granite State state pen was pretty snazzy.
But how to get from here to there?
Simple. Mail death threats to the New Hampshire attorney general.
Jimmy did that, pleaded guilty to the crime, and got all set to move out.
Alas, mailing death threats is a federal crime, and tiny New Hampshire doesn’t have a federal prison.
So all Jimmy will do is spend more time in Texas, which is exactly where he doesn’t want to be!
... I said Jimmy was Inmate of the Year. I didn’t say he was smart.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Orderly?
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Why? Because President Bush is planning an “orderly” bankruptcy for the U.S. auto industry.
I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t seem to me that much good can come from that.
How would you like to hear your pilot say, “Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and return your tray tables to an upright position. ... I’m going to execute an orderly crash landing in about, oh, three minutes.”
Or your boss say, “Pat, we’re going to arrange an orderly layoff for your tomorrow. Please pack your stuff so this will go smoothly.”
Or your banker say, “Hey, we’ve got that orderly repossession planned for 9 a.m. Saturday. ... Is that a good time for you?”
I tell ya, I’m worried about Detroit.
Though not as worried as the poor S.O.B. who six months ago bought an expensive lifetime warranty on his American-made car.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
JoePa, forever
Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has been given a new three-year contract extension.
How many times have sports fans read that headline?
Well, considering that “JoePa,” to use his charming nickname, is incredibly old, I’m guessing that sports fans have read that sentence many, many times.
In fact, JoePa will turn 82 on Sunday. I’m not sure that his life on this earth will be extended three more years.
He’s already been at Penn State for a lifetime or two.
For 16 years, he was an assistant coach. He took over the top spot in 1966, when a war in a place called Vietnam was starting to heat up.
If he makes it through next season, that would be 60 full years on the Nittany Lion coaching staff.
And he’s not easing out the door, either.
When asked how much longer he would keep holding the university hostage, I mean, coaching the football team, he said. “There’s no reason for me not to think that I can go for a while. Now how long is a while? I don’t know.”
Here’s a hint, Joe: When you start coaching the grandchildren of kids you coached years ago, it’s time to hang it up.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Who are these people?
The latest Ipsos/McClatchy poll said 95 percent of adults in Illinois think that Gov. Rod Blagojevich should resign.
No problem; that a slam dunk.
But who are the other 5 percent? Who in the Land of Lincoln actually doesn’t think that Blago must go-go?
Are these the same people who think that O.J. didn’t murder his ex-wife and Ron Goldman?
Are these the same people who think that Mark McGwire didn’t use steroids?
Are these the same people who think that 9/11 was an inside job hatched by our own government?
Are these the same people who think that Detroit has a carburetor that will get 90 miles to the gallon but is keeping it hidden so people will buy more gas?
Are these the same people who think that Michael Jackson isn’t too friendly with kids?
... Just wonderin'.
FEEDBACK: Are these the same people who think that (FILL IN THE BLANK WITH YOUR COMMENT).
Monday, December 15, 2008
Guns, greed
So here’s the story: Mexican drug gangs find “straw buyers” in the states, people who can buy guns legally for them.
As a result, all kinds of weapons used in Mexico’s increasingly gruesome gunplay and turf wars are being traced back to the US of A.
One such cog in the machine is Raul Alvarez, 28, of Laredo. He said he bought some guns legally and was test-firing them on a range. A stranger walked up and offered him $5,000 for the bunch.
Being greedy, and stupid, Alvarez agreed, saying, “I needed the money.”
That’s bad enough, but here comes the worse part.
When Alvarez was told that the guns were used in crimes in Mexico, he actually said, “I can’t read minds like a psychic. If I knew he was going to use guns to get me in trouble, I wouldn’t have sold them.”
Aaarrrggghhh!
What did he think a sleazeball at a gun range with a pocketful of cash was going to do with the shooters? Use them as paperweights in a church office?
If there’s a God in heaven and justice in the courts, Alibi Alvarez will spend the near future sleeping on a prison cot, taking group showers and eating baloney sandwiches … for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Drama does Dallas
Everything is fine with the Dallas Cowboys.
Annoying media reports that the team is split with dissension because of the egomaniac Terrell Owens are completely untrue.
OK. T.O. is ticked about “secret meetings” that QB Tony Romo and TE Jason Witten are having, resulting in — horrors! — fewer balls thrown to T.O.
And Romo and Whitten are denying that the secret meetings take place … on Wednesdays at 2:45 in the film room.
And cornerback Terence Newman is saying it’s about time for coaches to ’fess up to their mistakes just like players do all the time.
And the egomaniac owner Jerry Jones is insisting that even though he met with T.O. for about 10 minutes the other day, it wasn’t, well, you know, a “meeting.”
Meanwhile, poor Wade Phillips tries to ringmaster this circus and figure out a way to deal with the latest insult from Jones that undercuts his authority as head coach.
Other than those things, all is well with this team.
In fact, because of all the harmony and goodwill, they’ll probably go on to beat the Giants Sunday night and make the playoffs.
Not.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Let it snow!
By now most of it is gone. But it was a blast while it was here!
I actually got up for a while last night/this morning at 2 a.m. I looked out the window and couldn’t believe the white before my eyes.
I’ve lived here since ’83 and the most I ever saw was flurries, with zero accumulation. Finally some white stuff you can make a snowball or a snowman with! And lots of kids did just that!
Everybody should experience snow at least once in their lives. As a former Midwesterner, I saw it all the time as a kid. Still have a small wooden sled in my garage we used back in the day. To us, snow was regular weather.
But I gotta be honest with you: Snow is pretty to look at and hell to deal with. Shoveling snow off a sidewalk or driveway is fun once – and an annoying chore after that. (Unless you're an entrepreneurial kid who wants to make a quick buck shoveling snow.) Ditto for scraping snow off your car before you can drive it somewhere.
This snowfall was the right kind; light enough to look pretty on your lawn (or pile of hurricane debris) but quickly melting on streets.
If we ever get enough snow to stick on the roads, I’ll give y’all a free lecture on how to drive over it without having to make a call to your insurance agent afterward.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Is nothing sacred?
So it’s come to this: The traditional Nativity scene now has to go high-tech.
To protect Baby Jesus from low-lifes who are looking for a free Christmas gift or politically correct types who don’t want your religion in their city, churches, local governments and ordinary people are fighting back.
In Wellington, Fla., city officials put a GPS device inside their life-sized ceramic figurine of the infant Jesus. When the statue was stolen, they simply followed the GPS signal to the apartment where the thief had taken it.
A family in North Richland Hills, Texas, set up surveillance cameras to protect their Nativity scene. Sure enough, Jesus was “adopted” by some teenage girl. Police have the tape and will pay her a visit if they can I.D. her. Maybe they could ask her if she has suddenly become a mother of sorts.
Gosh, this seems like a lot of trouble.
Has anybody thought about wiring their Jesus figurine to about 500 volts of thief-deterring electricity?
OK, I know that’s not a very Godly thought, and you’d probably get sued for insensitivity.
Still, you gotta admit it would be fun to see one of these creeps jump about five feet into the air and wonder if the Lord was sending him a message.
Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Blago-nomics
Wow! We always knew that politics were a little rough-n-tumble in Chi-town, but …
Can you believe Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich?
Or to put it in terms he -- and Tony Soprano --- might understand, “Can you freakin’ believe this (expletive deleted)?”
This is the craziest political story since Larry Craig wen’t cruising for some action in an airport restroom. It would have been more discreet for Blago to put the U.S. Senate seat up for sale on eBay.
He makes Edwin Edwards look like a monk. He makes Richard Daley (the first, not the second) look suave. Yeccchhh.
And he's mega-stupid, too. Blago already knew he was under investigation for suspicion (apparently well-founded) of corruption. He thought his phone was tapped.
Yet he still gabbed away and said incredibly incriminating things — while at the same time warning the person on the other end to be careful about what he said! What a putz!
It’s going to be a long, long time before we hear a politician say anything more sleazy and disgusting than, “I’ve got this thing and it’s (F-word) golden, and I’m just not giving it up for (F-word) nothing. I’m not gonna do it.”
... That’s all for now. I have to go wash my hands.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Car Czar?
Well, I feel a lot better now.
Ya see, Congress has sent the White House a $15 billion bailout package to save U.S. automakers. And it includes the appointment of a “car czar” to help the industry “re-invent” itself.
OK, Congress, here are Three Big Thoughts on your latest plan to save the Big Three:
1) Instead of one “car czar” to oversee three huge and different organizations, how about finding CEOs for each company who actually know what they are doing?
2) It would be easier to steal the operational plans from Nissan, Toyota or Honda than “re-invent” American automakers.
3) Finally, and most importantly, Detroit does understand that this is a one-time deal, right? As in, should they come back in a few years (or months) and say they need a few more billion to tide 'em over, the answer will, uh, not be favorable.
… Henry Ford must be turning in his grave.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Overexposed underwear
Guys, we gotta draw a line in the sand. No “man girdles,” no matter how much poundage in our paunches.
And we must act quickly. An Australian company called Equmen plans to sell “a body-slimming Core Precision Undershirt designed to squeeze a few inches off a man’s beer belly and improve his posture.”
In other words, a man girdle. Or as it’s being called in the trade, a “mirdle.”
This is not the way things were meant to be — no matter how much blather you hear.
Like the comment from Corie Chung, one of the founders of Equmen:
“This is a garment designed to physiologically and visibly improve men’s bodies. Men these days are concerned about their appearance, and they also want to feel healthy and supported.”
Nonsense! A lady’s undergarment does not “improve men’s bodies.” And any man who wants to feel “supported” just needs to buy underwear in a size too small.
Over the years, the fashion gurus have tried to foist “man purses” and “man skirts” on us. And we have stoutly resisted, as real men are supposed to.
Mark my words: If real men start wearing “mirdles,” it’s only a matter of time before “Monday Night Football” is replaced by “The View” and war movies get ruined by the hero’s “love interest.”
Be afraid; be very afraid.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
O.J. in jail -- finally!
Yesterday’s blog asked the burning question, “Who’s a bigger idiot, Michael Vick or Plaxico Burress?” The results are still rolling, er, dribbling, in.
Today we consider the case of another Athlete In Trouble — O.J. Simpson — and we shout … YESSSS!!!
Why? Because finally this butcher will look at the world from behind bars.
Who can forget that he murdered his ex-wife and her friend in 1995?
And then, incredibly, inexplicably, his team of high-priced shysters squeezed a “not guilty” verdict out of a befuddled jury.
It was a verdict that defied any sense of decency or fairness.
O.J. was as guilty as sin. All that other crap about Mark Furman being a racist and jurors wanting revenge for the case that sparked the L.A. riots had nothing to do with him.
He was a cold-blooded killer, pure and simple.
And he beat the rap, pure and simple.
Until the fool pulled off a small-time robbery and kidnapping in Vegas in a dispute over some of his memorabilia. And today he is scheduled to be sentenced to many, many years in the clink -- at least 18 by one account!
Sweet! He could have stayed on the outside, playing golf, swilling martinis, banging groupies. But because of his own greed and stupidity, he gave society a chance to put him in the hole he belonged in all along.
Finally, Nicole and Ron Goldman have been avenged.
Good riddance, Juice. I hope you rot in that cell.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Burress in distress
It’s a debate that will occupy football fans for years to come: Who’s the bigger idiot, Michael Vick or Plaxico Burress?
For a while it looked as if Vick had retired this trophy. He’s in prison and broke. It’s hard to fall much further from the glamor of the NFL.
But Vick is probably going to get out from behind bars next year. And you know some wacky owner — like Jerry Jones — will be itching to sign him to another juicy contract.
Burress, on the other hand, is facing a mandatory minimum of 3½ years in the slammer for illegally possessing a handgun in New York City.
It will be verrrrry interesting to watch this drama play out. As in, he clearly had a gun without a permit, and the sentence for that violation is clear.
There doesn’t seem to be any way he could avoid getting at least 3½ inside. Then again, sometimes the law treats one defendant more equally than others.
In retrospect, Burress was a disaster waiting to happen. A few weeks ago, it was revealed that the New York Giants had fined him 20 to 30 times for various violations of team rules since he was signed in 2005.
Are you freakin’ kidding me?! 20 to 30 times?!
How can a clown like that stay in uniform? Don’t the coaches know that completely undermines the concept of discipline and teamwork?
Oh, that’s right. He can catch a football ball pretty good.
So unless or until he chops off the head of a toddler — and somebody videotapes it — it’s business as usual on Sunday.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Bullet Brain's battle
The great Bullet Brain saga is finally over.
The only conclusion a logical person can reach is that Joshua Bush gamed the system.
He had charge after charge hanging over him. He faced years behind bars. His future looked as bleak as that of a Big Three CEO.
In the end, after a plea deal and some dropped charges and a mountain of legal wrangling, he gets two years in state jail.
And because he’s served about that much time while this soap opera drags on, he’ll be a free man any day now.
If Bullet Brain learns from this ordeal and becomes a productive member of society, I’ll be thrilled.
If he chooses a different path, I won’t be surprised.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Money madness
If you’re still trying to figure out the stock market, stop. It’s officially crazy.
Take the news Monday that the national economy has probably been in a recession since last December.
No big surprise there, although the old definition of a recession was two quarters of no growth. I thought the quarter we are in now is the first one with negative numbers. The first quarter of ’09 almost certainly will share the same dubious distinction, so shouldn’t that pairing officially begin our recession?
Whatever. The bigger surprise about that report from the National Bureau of Economic Research was that it hit Wall Street like a ton of gold bricks.
The cigar-smokin’ yellow-tie-wearin’ suspender-snappin’ hotshots were so taken aback by the news that the Dow Jones plunged nearly 680 points.
We’ll ignore the fact that the stock market has been up and down in the past month like a roller coaster on steroids.
The real puzzler is why this news threw the financial wizards into such a tizzy.
It was about the past — not the present or the future. As such, it really shouldn’t affect stock prices any more than your Aunt Helen’s hunches.
It’s like buying a life insurance policy after learning that you almost got on a plane that crashed.
At least this fits in with the rest of the crazy financial news. Once mighty GM is headed for bankruptcy. Gas prices are down to last year’s levels, and nobody is noticing. Washington’s solution to all the problems is to keep printing more money.
My parents used to talk a lot about the Depression. I always wondered what it was like. Guess I’ll find out.
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