Thank God for lawyers. No matter how bad things are in your life or your profession, you can always look down on ’em.
Like the Florida lawyer who was disbarred this week for allowing a client to work off her $2,300 fee with some extracurricular activity.
Yes, the kind of extracurricular activity that occurs at massage parlors that don’t offer massages. Yes, I am talking about the mother of all four-letter words, sex.
This particular barrister charged the little lady $200 for every, uh, private session. And $400 for when she arranged an, ahem, joint consultation with another gal.
Inquiring minds want to know:
Does this equal his hourly rate -- or hers? When they were doing the nasty, did he make bad jokes about “legal briefs”? Do they teach this kind of creative billing in law school, or did he come up with it on his own? Does his business card read, “License to Thrill”?
And finally, what does a disgraced lawyer without a shred of integrity do for his next career?
The answer (drum roll, please) is, of course … POLITICS!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Alienation of affection
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
History's mysteries
You can never know too much history. Especially if you’re a tour guide in the historic section of Philadelphia.
The problem here is that the city wants the tour guides to take a history test to prove they actually know history.
I mean, you wouldn’t want a historic tour guide telling some tourist from Dubuque that Ben Franklin wore a funny wig and fooled around with the ladies.
OK, he did, but you know what I mean.
The tour guides, in turn, say that a test would violate their freedom to be, um, tour guides. (Especially if they didn’t pass it.)
The solution here is simple. These guides need a firm-but-fair test that separates the pros from the posers. I’d start out ’em out easy, with a couple of questions like:
-- Who is buried in Grant’s Tomb?
-- What year did the War of 1812 start?
Then, just when some of the guides were getting confident, I’d bring in the trick questions. Like:
-- How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
-- What famous historical figure said, “History is more or less bunk”?
And on and on.
If a tour guide didn’t pass, you could require him to take a history course from an institution of higher learning, especially a really old one that's seen a lot of history. Or make him promise to watch The History Channel.
And by the way, if some geezer ever gives you a hard time about not knowing enough history, always hit him with the old standby:
“It was easier for you to study history when you were a kid. … There wasn’t so much of it!”
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Ancient Arlen
I don’t care if Arlen Specter becomes a Libertarian … or a Flat Earther.
But there is something that some people might have overlooked in all the hoopla about his switch from the Republican Party to the Democrats.
He is 79. Seventy-freaking-nine.
And the election is next year, meaning that if he wins, he would be 86 when the term (and him) stagger to an end.
Good grief; what a sad commentary on professional politicians.
Here is a guy approaching his 80th birthday, and he is so pathetically desperate to cling to power that he is willing to switch parties to hang on just a little longer (or in his case, six years).
What's he afraid of? Actually living like the people he supposedly represents?
Sure, some people in their 80s are surprisingly fit. But for most octogenarians, the mental and physical energy are way, way down.
The Senate is famous for coddling these old pols who are frankly one or two steps shy of senility. But they keep running long after they can do the job adequately — or even talk without a prepared script.
Maybe the good people of Pennsylvania will realize all this and retire Specter next year.
Then again, this is the same state that still tolerates Joe Paterno, so who knows.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Flu who?
So it’s come to this: The deputy health minister in Israel says the term “swine flu” is offensive to Jews and Muslims.
Why? Well, because for devout members of both faiths, let’s just say that pork is not the other white meat.
And this guy even says the illness should be called the “Mexican flu” because that country has the worst outbreak so far.
Gosh, it seems that if he was going to whine about being offended, he could come up with a better name that that. I’m going to go waaaay out on a limb here and guess that folks in Mexico would not be overly thrilled with that label.
What we need here, obviously, is a politically correct term for this new affliction. I would suggest:
“The illness/ailment that may have originated in/near pigs, though we’re not sure and do not wish to stereotype members of the Porcine Community, or suggest that they are not as clean as cows or horses, or imply that animals which roll around in or eat icky things should be condemned for their lifestyle choice.”
... OK, maybe that is a little long.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Animal attrition
Wow; the recession is worse than I thought. Now the Bronx Zoo is laying off animals!
That’s right, peanut-tossers. The zoo has to slash $15 million from its budget, so the Formosan deer, Arabian onyx, bats and porcupines are being downsized. Even the critters in the famed “World of Darkness.” It’s going dark too.
That’s tough, but I've always wondered: Exactly how do you lay off an animal?
I guess it would be with a polite form letter, something along the lines of:
“Dear Mammal (or Reptile):
“We regret to inform you that your services are no longer needed. Our income has been lagging for some time, and it didn’t help that we invested a bundle with Bernie Madoff. Jeez; what were we thinking?
“We realize that this is a difficult move, but the public support just isn’t there anymore. Apparently, people would rather look at animated animals on some silly Disney movie instead of coming here and seeing the real thing. What a bunch of schmucks. (Them, not you.)
“We do appreciate all the sacrifices you have made in recent months. Larry the Lion volunteered to cut 10 pounds of raw meat off his daily diet. Billy the Buffalo said he could switch from imported prairie grass to zoysia from that spot near the concession stands.
“Alas, it was in vain. Please clean out your cages by the end of the week. We can serve as a reference for your next zoo — and we don’t have to mention that unfortunate incident with the homeless man who crawled into the bear pit.
“Think of this not as an end of one journey but the beginning of another. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life — unless you can’t find a new home and get fed to something in the next cage.
“Oh, and another thing: Don’t leave one last ‘present’ for the keepers. We can’t afford any new shovels until next year.”
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Blago on the go
Poor Rod Blagojevich.
A federal judge in Chicago won’t let the disgraced (and disgusting) former governor of Illinois go to Costa Rica for a reality show called, of all things, “I’m a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!”
The judge may be afraid that Blago would leave the country and never come back. We should be so lucky.
Blago, desperate for cash since he lost his paying job and is facing some hefty legal fees, is not giving up.
He says he might stay in the states and “play some other role in the show.”
I don’t know what that might be, but I’m pretty sure it won’t be:
1) Ethics advisor.
2) Legal advisor.
3) Hair stylist.
Let’s face it; Blago has a limited set of skills for today’s challenging work environment. There aren’t too many jobs that call for acting like a jerk and extorting bribes. (OK, that does sound like a judge on “American Idol,” but you get my point.)
Blago needs to stop dreaming and start focusing on his next role. That, of course, would be starring in “I’m an Inmate … Get Me Out Of Here.”
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
get a life lusr
It’s a good thing that Nick Andes and Doug Klinger haven’t been wasting their time like so many people these days.
The two Pennsylvania men have just set the world record for sending the most text messages in a month.
Yeah, it does sound impressive, doesn’t it?
And we’re not talking about immature teenagers; these guys are 29 and 30. Their parents must be thrilled.
The Texting Twosome banged out 217,000 text messages in March to go down in history. That’s an astounding — or pathetic — average of 7,000 texts per day.
“Most were either short phrases or one word, ‘LOL’ or ‘Hello,’ things like that, with tons and tons of repeats,” Andes said proudly.
The story on their, uh, accomplishment described them as “practically nonstop texters for about a decade since they attended Berks Technical Institute together.”
Wow; I guess they think that beats actually having a life.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Back on Earth Day
In honor of our home planet (new motto — “Third from the Sun, first in our hearts”) here are some little-known facts about the Earth on Earth Day:
Exactly 38,629 trees have been felled to print the hardback and softcover versions of Al Gore’s book, “Earth in the Balance.”
A boring person can suck the air out of a room.
Researchers are working on plan to burn off the methane gas expelled by cattle in a program called “Operation Instant Barbecue.”
The coldest temperature ever personally experienced in the U.S. was on a toilet seat in a bathroom of a drafty home in Duluth, Minn., at 6:47 a.m. on Dec. 30, 1984.
Hottest temperature ever personally experienced was on the black vinyl seat of a convertible parked with the top down in Tucson, Ariz., on July 28, 1997.
Dozens of people in the perpetually gloomy Pacific Northwest are secretly rooting for global warming.
Any snow that falls on the street of an alderman in Chicago will mysteriously disappear faster than snow that falls on a main drag.
You never know if a recycled item has been completely sterilized.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Four Corners (not)
There are mistakes, and then there are mistakes.
It turns out that the Four Corners monument in the Southwest U.S. is not exactly situated at the place where Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and Utah come together.
The real site is, uh, located to the east.
Like 2.5 miles east.
Not 2.5 feet or 2.5 yards, but 2.5 MILES!
Jeez, I don’t know beans about surveying, but I think I could get closer than 2.5 MILES!
Turns out that the site was misidentified in 1868, and nobody got around to checking it until now.
Duh!
So the millions of people who stood there for decades and said, “I can’t believe I’m standing in four states at one time!” are wrong.
They were just standing in one state at one time, which is how most of us pretty much go through our lives.
Which in the case of the muttonhead who surveyed this site, would the STATE OF CONFUSION.
I just hope the Grand Canyon is still in Arizona and the Empire State Building is still in New York. There are some things in life you have to be able to count on.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Oh, Canada!
This is scary: A new law in Canada will bestow Canadian citizenship on hundreds of thousands of Americans who think they’re, well, normal Americans.
It doesn’t seem legal, but it’s typical of those sneaky Canadians to pull something like this. Really, what else could you expect from a country that’s been causing problems across the globe for centuries?
I’ve even heard that George Bush was going to include them in his infamous “Axis of Evil” speech but left ’em off because of a teleprompter glitch. Lucky Canucks!
If you’re like me, something like this will keep you up at night. About all I can do to ease your worries is to remind you, with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, that,
You might be a Canadian if:
-- You have a hockey stick hanging on your bedroom wall instead of a Louisville slugger.
-- You call a temperature in the 20s a “warming spell.”
-- You walk into your neighborhood tavern and say, “Gimme a Molson, eh?”
-- You think Juno Beach was the real hot spot on D-Day.
-- You think Margaret Trudeau was hotter than Michelle Obama.
… I don’t think we should take this lying down. We should pass a law saying you can’t become a Canadian if you’re an American, unless you want to, which few sensible people would.
If that doesn’t work, our new battle cry should be, “Fifty-four forty or fight!”
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Heroes, zeroes
Ship captain Richard Phillips is being hailed as the latest national hero, and so be it.
Any man who surrenders himself to pirates to spare his crew is somebody who deserves all the praise you can give him.
Folks are even calling him “Captain Courageous,” and he’s getting the full celebrity treatment that was recently piled on Chesley Sullenberger.
“Sully,” of course, was the pilot who safely landed his plane in the Hudson River three months ago after a flock of birds used the jet’s engines for a food processor.
Again, all of this is great.
But let’s remember that a hero is rarely, if ever, an athlete, a fashion model, an actor or a singer.
Those people are famous, and sometimes they do good things.
But they are not heroes or role models. Those terms are tossed around far too loosely these days.
As a result, some people can’t distinguish between a celebrity who does something to make himself even more famous temporarily and a real hero. Like a ship’s captain who sacrifices himself for others.
There is a difference between something like that and, say, a pro athlete who plays a game with a minor injury.
Let’s keep that in mind.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tax truths
If you went to a Tea Party on Wednesday, you think your taxes are too high. You are right, but nothing about taxes is simple:
1) Most of us are OK with paying taxes for things we like (i.e., the military, Social Security) but not things we don’t like (i.e., the military, Social Security).
Understandable, but unworkable. If you live a complex society like ours, you usually get the good with the bad.
2) We hate sharpies who take advantage of “loopholes” to pay less taxes.
Sorry, if it’s in the tax code, it’s not a loophole. It’s a legal way to reduce someone’s tax bill, even if you think it’s unfair.
3) Most of us want lower taxes and more government services.
Again, not logical. One funds the other.
… I don’t know what the answer is either. My best guess is that a flat tax (about 15 percent) that exempts the first $10,000 of income would be fairest.
As time goes by, Congress could adjust the tax rate and the starting point for taxable income up or down to make the system equitable.
Finally, I’d wipe out every deduction except a few obvious ones, like for dependents or hurricane damage.
Of course, that’s a fairly simple and straightforward tax system, so of course it will come about the day folks in hell get frostbite.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Lastros
Here we go again. The Astros have started off miserably again, and fans are wondering, “Is it too early to panic?”
In a word, no.
The ’Stros were 1-6 before Tuesday night’s game. It’s their worst start since ’84, if you’re keeping score at home.
The GM and manager Cecil Cooper held a team meeting after Monday night’s loss. They are trying to figure what went wrong.
The consensus of the team meeting reportedly was that the main problem was that they were getting tremendously outscored.
Things are gettin’ kinda desperate in Astroland.
Short of cloning Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman, I don’t know what the team can do.
OK, they can wait til next year, but we were hoping for something a little more positive.
It is true that they had a lousy start in the year they went to the World Series, so maybe it ain’t over til it’s over.
Still, if May 1 rolls around and the Astros are still looking up at everybody in the NL Central standings, I’d pull the old manager switcharoo and start making some trades.
After all, what’s the worst that can happen? As fans have noticed, it’s already happening.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Swordplay, the sequel
Faithful readers of this blog will recall my intriguing post last Thursday about the elderly woman in Indianapolis who was killed, of all ways, after intervening in a sword fight between relatives.
(OK, maybe “intriguing” is too strong a word there. Whatever.)
What’s really important is that … a second person has died from the swordplay!
A 69-year-old guy also went on to his greater reward from the same Cutlass Contest that claimed the 77-year-old lady.
(Irrelevant blog factoid: The combined age of the deceased in this incident is 146. As Ross Perot used to say, “Fascinating.”)
The guilty party here is a 39-year-old man.
They say chivalry is dead, and I believe it. This clown was fighting a guy 30 years older than him. No wonder he won.
Heck, he probably used the old lady as a shield to lunge at the old guy. And the old lady was his grandmother! The cad!
Anyway, he was already charged with attempted murder. Now that Victim No. 2 is no longer with us, the “attempted” part of that charge gets dropped.
Serves him right. I hope the wheels of justice grind him up and spit him out.
At least he can’t claim, “I swear, your honor, I didn’t know it was loaded.”
Friday, April 10, 2009
AK? No way!
The current government of Iraq wants back the chrome-plated pearl-handled AK-47 that once belonged to Saddam Hussein. And we’re coughing it up!
This rifle has got “spoils of war” written all over it. Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.
It would make a nifty trophy for some U.S. Army base, which is what was planned in Fort Lewis, Wash. That is, it was until the boys in Baghdad decided they wanted it for one of their museums.
Why? Saddam was a beast who slaughtered, abused and imprisoned countless thousands of Iraqis. His crazy legacy should be erased, not enshrined over there.
And we, being so nice and legalistic, are cheerfully complying.
Gee, whiz. After all we’ve done for Iraq, all the blood and treasure we’ve left there, somebody over here at the top of the organizational chart should've said, “Sure, you guys can have it back … as soon as the you satisfy the cold-dead-fingers requirement.”
Always remember:
The British fight for honor.
The French fight for dignity.
Americans fight for souvenirs.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Swordplay
A sudden accidental death is pretty much unpleasant no matter how it happens — or so I would guess. But the way that a 77-year-old woman in Indianapolis checked out was really unusual.
The late Franziska Stegbauer was trying to break up a fight between her grandson and brother-in-law.
So far, so good. Lots of families have disagreements, and sometimes it gets physical.
This scuffle, however, was no ordinary one. The two knuckleheads were not shoving each other or even trading punches. They were sword fighting.
That’s right, sword fighting.
Jeez, who sword fights nowadays except Medieval re-enactors? Even then, I’m pretty sure they use wooden replicas to make sure they end up with the same number of fingers they started with.
Anyhow, poor Franziska tried to intervene, though I’m not sure the world would be a lesser place if one of these rocket scientists had been removed from the gene pool.
Unfortunately, it was the elderly woman who was accidentally stabbed — fatally.
A real tragedy.
Then again, at least she could pass into the next world knowing that she was probably the first person to die from intervening in a sword fight in, oh, I don’t know, 200 years?
... Can you put that on a tombstone?
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Fowled out
It was one of those events you hate to miss:
Former boxer Thomas “Hit Man” Hearns played tic-tac-toe with a chicken in a casino in Detroit.
Hearns outwitted, if that’s the word, the chicken in one game. But another game was a draw.
Apparently, the chicken is no bird brain when it comes to tic-tac-toe. Personally, I’m not impressed. I bet it doesn’t know the Colonel’s formula of 11 secret herbs and spices.
By the way, the promotional event was held in a casino called “Greektown.” Wouldn’t “Motown” be better suited for Detroit?
Whatever. I just hope nobody is counting on this to pick up the slack in Detroit if General Motors goes down.
Now, if they were playing chess, maybe.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
How cold was it?
Baby, it’s cold outside … and that’s wonderful.
Most of the time, by the second week of April we’re slathering on sunscreen and cranking up the A/C.
Not this year. It’s been blissfully cool since Spring “officially” began March 20.
I must confess I'm still using the space heater at home in a back bedroom. The electric blanket has not been put away yet. When you walk outside to get the paper off the driveway, it’s downright chilly.
I love it.
I know that eventually, the oppressive, relentless heat will return.
I know that one morning I will walk outside to get the paper off the driveway and notice that it’s already steaming.
I know that soon I will be pushing a lawn mower and struggling to finish.
I know that I will get into a parked car and feel like I am sitting in a pizza oven.
Yes, it will happen soon.
I will hate it. I will wonder when it will end.
And I will think back to the deliciously cool days of spring.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Nevada no-no
America still has some standards, so it is surprising to read about a sitting governor mired in a messy divorce and accused of adultery. Then again, this is a state whose largest town is nicknamed “Sin City.”
Yes, we are talking about Nevada, the state that evolved from a rest stop between Colorado and California into a gambling mecca that puts Atlantic City to shame. OK, it’s easy to put Atlantic City to shame, but you get my point.
By the way, how is it that our most wide-open state (Nevada) is right next to our most-sedate one (Utah)? Isn’t anyone worried that they could get into a war or something? Apparently not.
Anyhow, Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons has been accused by his First-Lady-and-soon-to-be-ex-wife Dawn of having numerous affairs, including one with a former Playboy centerfold.
Hmmm. Gibbons is no George Clooney clone. If he was able to seduce a centerfold, there must be something to that old saying, “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.”
Dawn also says that hubbie had another affair with a woman he sent 860 text messages to last year from his state-issued cell phone. The Gov, caught red-handed on that one, had to come up with something, so he said he was consulting the bimbo on state business.
Uh, like what? I’m guessing that they didn’t talk about things like bond ratings or the state’s power grid. I’m guessing the messages were more along the lines of, “C U tonite at usual motel. Wear that pink nightie.”
Whatever. Thank God that what happens in Nevada doesn’t stay in Nevada. With our economy falling off a cliff and North Korea tossing missiles around, we could use some comic relief.
Don’t let us down, governor.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Still in the dog house
You gotta hand it to Michael Vick. Always the optimist, always looking ahead.
At a bankruptcy hearing in Virginia on Friday, the 28-year-old former quarterback says he still has a long future in the NFL.
“If I keep my body in shape, and do the right things, I think I have maybe 10 or 12 more years in my career,” he said.
“Of course in dog years, that’s even longer,” he added.
(OK, I made up that last part. But I bet he was thinking it.)
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Taxing thoughts
Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius is sailing toward confirmation by the U.S. Senate as the next secretary of Health and Human Services despite embarrassing revelations that she owed $8,000 in back taxes.
Sebelius has called the oversight the result of “unintentional errors” related to charitable deductions, mortgage interest and business expenses.
“Hey, that stuff is confusing,” she said in an impromptu press conference in a Senate hallway. “And let’s be honest: You don’t get rich by paying taxes. That’s for suckers. ... Jeez, the secretary of the treasury got confirmed and he owed 40 grand. Give me a break! The president and I have got bigger fish to fry. Go bother someone else.”
(OK, the preceding paragraph is not exactly true. In fact, I made it up. But haven’t you ever suspected that deep down, this is what these Cabinet secretaries are thinking when they are asked annoying questions about back taxes? Just a thought.)
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Top 10, again
Top 10 warning signs that your computer has been infected with that darned Conficker worm:
10) You get message confirming that your trip to Beijing has been booked and your credit card has been billed for two first-class air fares.
9) Your computer suddenly talks to you in a disembodied voice eerily similar to the 1983 movie “WarGames” starring Matthew Broderick saying, “Shall … we … play … a … game?”
8) Your screensaver has changed to, “I got Conficked and all I got was this lousy screensaver!”
7) Your e-mail address has been changed to “I’mwithstupid@gmail.net”
6) You try to post a blog entry about Conficker when suddenl—lZf#3m/a’Qfo=ma$we’fol/m*e7wrDa’irp&qir+p6oqwKo/eirqp*wroi0qVwu2er;.mc/?c/,m3cn/vc~m/z1x
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