Animal attrition

Wow; the recession is worse than I thought. Now the Bronx Zoo is laying off animals!

That’s right, peanut-tossers. The zoo has to slash $15 million from its budget, so the Formosan deer, Arabian onyx, bats and porcupines are being downsized. Even the critters in the famed “World of Darkness.” It’s going dark too.

That’s tough, but I've always wondered: Exactly how do you lay off an animal?

I guess it would be with a polite form letter, something along the lines of:

“Dear Mammal (or Reptile):

“We regret to inform you that your services are no longer needed. Our income has been lagging for some time, and it didn’t help that we invested a bundle with Bernie Madoff. Jeez; what were we thinking?

“We realize that this is a difficult move, but the public support just isn’t there anymore. Apparently, people would rather look at animated animals on some silly Disney movie instead of coming here and seeing the real thing. What a bunch of schmucks. (Them, not you.)

“We do appreciate all the sacrifices you have made in recent months. Larry the Lion volunteered to cut 10 pounds of raw meat off his daily diet. Billy the Buffalo said he could switch from imported prairie grass to zoysia from that spot near the concession stands.

“Alas, it was in vain. Please clean out your cages by the end of the week. We can serve as a reference for your next zoo — and we don’t have to mention that unfortunate incident with the homeless man who crawled into the bear pit.

“Think of this not as an end of one journey but the beginning of another. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life — unless you can’t find a new home and get fed to something in the next cage.

“Oh, and another thing: Don’t leave one last ‘present’ for the keepers. We can’t afford any new shovels until next year.”