In my last post, I noted the extreme oddness and stupidity of a Missouri woman who was sentenced to four years in prison for faking the birth of sextuplets to get money from sympathetic folks.
It was the first time I had heard of this odd and stupid crime.
Then later that day, I’m reading our own Bayou, the greatest blog in the history of bloggery, and I find … the same scam in a different place!
That’s right, folks. This time, a couple in South Carolina, Nancy Cantu and Juan Solis, claimed they were having quintuplets to get money from sympathetic folks.
What the heck is going on here? Do we have an epidemic of fake multiple births to get money from sympathetic folks? Should state legislatures start passing special laws to prevent fake multiple births to get money from sympathetic folks?
You’re probably as concerned as I am about this new crime wave. But after thinking about this a while, I believe we are safe.
You see, the criminals who think they have found the ticket to instant riches have overlooked one major problem in the ol’ fake-multiple-births-to-get-money-from-sympathetic-folks scam.
That problem, of course, is that YOU CAN’T FAKE MULTIPLE BIRTHS to get money from sympathetic folks.
Look, you could borrow a kid or two from Aunt Bertha or Cousin Zeb for a photo op or a fund-raiser or an appearance at City Hall.
BUT THEY WON’T LOOK ALIKE AND THERE WON’T BE FIVE OR SIX OF THEM!
In other words, potentially sympathetic folks will eventually catch on that THERE IS NO MULTIPLE BIRTH TO BE SYMPATHETIC TOWARD.
Good grief; what part of “multiple” don’t these crooks understand?
Criminals of America, please don’t try this at home. Please go back to something like the pigeon-drop scam or the fake-night-deposit-box scam and let the rest of us live in peace.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
A new crime wave?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A familiar trick
A woman in Independence, Mo., Sarah Everson, was sentenced to four years in prison for violating her probation for an earlier charge of felony theft.
And how did she violate her probation? According the Associated Press, she “faked the birth of sextuplets to tap the generosity of neighbors.”
Um, how do you fake the birth of sextuplets?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Good riddance
You’ve got to be pretty cold-blooded to be happy with anyone’s death. And I rarely am.
O.K. I’ll make an exception with Osama bin Laden and Fidel Castro. And let’s not forget the psychopathic dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong Il.
Beyond that, it’s more appropriate to be sort of quietly relieved when a dirtbag checks out.
For example, take Cedric Wills, 18, who was killed in a drive-by shooting last year in Houston.
At first cops thought Wills was killed by rival gang members in one of your traditional shootouts.
Now they think he was accidentally killed by fellow gang member Craig Vincent. It seems that Wills moved in front of Vincent’s gun when the two were hanging out the window of a car in a drive-by shooting.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Or take Jesus Flores, 25, who is no longer with us. Jesus went to Jesus about 4 o’clock Tuesday morning at the Polunsky Unit, otherwise known as Death Row, right here in Southeast Texas, in Liberty.
Flores cut his throat. He tried to write something on the wall of his cell with his own blood but guards said it was illegible.
Why was he on Death Row? Because he admitted to and was convicted of killing a Harris County sheriff’s deputy in 2001, Joseph Dennis.
I suppose Flores’ family is sad that he is gone. I sure won’t lose any sleep over it.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Dumb and disorderly
There ought to be a law against stupid criminals.
I mean it. If you commit a crime in a really boneheaded way, you should get extra punishment.
Take Channel Gaskin, a 22-year-old woman who was arrested for robbing a bank this week in Sandy Springs, Ga.
Cops were able to grab Gaskin because she forgot a crucial element of a bank-robbery scheme — the getaway car.
That’s right, folks. Police spotted her … while she was waiting for a bus after the heist.
"That just wasn’t too bright," said Sandy Springs police Lt. Steve Rose.
Indeed it was not, Steve-O. Nor was the bank robbery attempted by a 72-year-old man in Lynchburg, Va.
Police say Duval Davis Sr. entered a bank on Nov. 29 with a gun and told the branch manager, “Give me all your money.” (I think they teach that line in Bank Robbery School.)
The bank guy did just that. Then Davis had second thoughts. He gave the money back and told the employee to call the police.
I’m no expert, but it seems that Davis needs to work on closing the sale. If you’re going to go around giving back money, you’ll never go far in bank robbing.
Sheeesh. Someone should lock up clowns like that and forget to let them out.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Yankeenomics
I know it’s January and you are not thinking about baseball.
Still, I would encourage you to get a head start on your Yankee hating for the ’08 season.
Why? Well, first of all, you shouldn’t need a new reason. The dozens of old ones are good enough.
But if you’re wavering, try this: The Yankees’ payroll last year (tops, naturally) was a whopping $218 million.
That’s a tad under $63 million ahead of the next biggest spender, the Boston Red Sox, who paid out $155 million. More effectively, I might add, since they won the World Series.
The Yanks did try to hold their payroll under $200 million last year, but that late signing of Roger Clemens pushed them over the top. (No word on whether the Rocket’s pharmaceutical bill figured into that.)
The NFL and NBA have tried to equalize team spending (in different ways) to give each team at least a chance of winning the Big Enchilada.
The player’s union has prevented Major League Baseball from doing something similar. And, to be fair, stupid owners keep shelling out ever-bigger bucks to marginal players.
But something is terribly wrong in a sport where the payroll gap between the No. 1 team (the Bronx Bombers) and the No. 3 team (the L.A. Dodgers, hardly a small-market squad) is an astounding $92 million.
What could be sillier? Try the two teams at the bottom of the totem pole:
-- Florida Marlins, $33.1 million. It’s hard to imagine they actually won a World Series a few years ago. In the off-season, they shipped their last two good players — Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera — to the Tigers.
-- Tampa Bay Rays, $31.8 million. They changed their name from the Devil Rays to the Rays because of all those negative vibes with the D-word. They should have played a little with the letter “A” and changed their name to the Last-Place Rays.
The thirtysomething million spent by each of those two teams is what the Yankees toss away for a single player. I’d love to see the Rays win the AL East over the Yankees, but that’s about as likely as Barry Bonds admitting he hit all those moonshots with a little help from his friends.
Oh, well. Hang in there, baseball fans. The first day of spring training is Feb. 14.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Triple play
Not good, you are thinking. The woman, Beth Modica, had better hope this is all a silly misunderstanding — or she needs a reeeaally good lawyer.
What could make things worth for poor Bethy? Well, how about:
A) She is a former PTA president. (Yikes.)
B) She is a lawyer herself and a former prosecutor. (Double yikes.)
C) She is the wife of the police chief in nearby Spring Valley, N.Y. (Triple yikes.)
Isn’t that called hitting the trifecta?
**************
A legislator in Maryland, Page Elmore, R-Somerset, wants the Old Line State to declare the 10-layer Smith Island cake its official state dessert.
Whatever. My nominee would have been a Snickers bar and Diet Coke.
***************
The world’s largest saltwater swimming pool opened last month in Chile. It is more than 1,000 yards long, covers 20 acres and holds 66 million gallons of water. It is at the fancy San Alfonso del Mar resort on Chile’s southern coast.
It is also waaay bigger than the world’s second-largest pool, which is in Morocco and is just 150 yards long and 100 yards wide. That’s a surprise; you would think the world’s second-largest pool would be a little closer in size to the world’s first-largest pool.
Anyway:
1) Wouldn’t it have been easier to fence off a chunk of the Pacific Ocean at the resort’s beach and call it “our pool”?
2) Isn’t the Gulf of Mexico the world’s largest saltwater swimming pool?
Friday, January 18, 2008
3 pointers for zoo visits
“Clearly there’s the lesson to be learned here,” said Sam Singer, spokesman for the San Francisco Zoo, where a tiger named Tatiana killed a man on Christmas Day and mauled his two friends.
“The lesson is that it’s not a good idea to drink, it’s not a good idea to be high on dope, and it’s not a good idea to taunt a man-eating tiger.”
Well put, Sam.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Britney Quiz
To heck with the presidential race, world peace and stuff like that. Let’s talk about something really important — Britney Spears.
As part of a research project by a major think tank, people like you are being asked to take the following Britney Quiz. It will take only a few seconds, so please give it a whirl:
1) When you hear about the latest antics of Britney, you think she is:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
2) You used to admire Britney in a vague sort of way, but now you think she is:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
3) Compared to flakes like Amy Winehouse, Robert Downey Jr. and Sean Penn, Britney is:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
4) The bizarre behavior that caused Britney to lose custody of her kids suggests she is:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
5) When Britney hits the booze and pills, she acts:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
Thank you for your cooperation. This blog will be updated when Britney goes into rehab again.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
'Boys bounced!
When I think of guys like Wade Phillips and Tony Romo, I’m sorry the Cowboys got bounced from the playoffs.
When I think of guys like Jerry Jones and Terrell Owens, I’m not.
The Cowboys are schizophrenic like that. Fans either love ’em or hate ’em — or love parts of ’em or hate parts of ’em. Think Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith (yes!) … vs. Barry Switzer and Hollywood Henderson (yecchh!).
Phillips is a classy guy — and a PN-G ex — who looked like he might finally get that elusive playoff win as a head coach. Hang in there, Wade; your time will come.
If you can’t get excited watching a brash guy like Tony Romo play the game with boyish enthusiasm, you might want to check your pulse. Maybe Jessica can, uh, soothe him in the off-season.
His counterpart Sunday — Eli Manning — looks upset even when he’s doing well. Maybe he could do some antacid commercials to catch up with brother Peyton on that score.
As for Jones and Owens, you almost hate to see them succeed. They’re so arrogant they take the joy out of winning. If someone is going to taste the bitter ashes of defeat, I can’t think of a more deserving pair.
Still, the ’Boys had a good year — their best since someone named Clinton was president.
Maybe next year, they’ll have another good season … and another person named Clinton will be getting ready to be president. I’m hoping for one ... but not the other.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Seattle slacker
This is one of those “only in America” stories. Or maybe an “only in baseball” story.
Seems the Seattle Mariners have signed a journeyman infielder by the name of Miguel Cairo to a one-year contract — for the tidy sum of $850,000.
Nothing unusual there. Teams do things like that all the time.
What is unusual is the main reason the Mariners signed Cairo.
You see, they already have a second baseman by the name of Jose Lopez. And Lopez is, or was, pretty good, since they gave him a $6 million contract, which is hefty even by baseball’s inflated standards.
But poor Mr. Lopez … well, he just can’t seem to get motivated. He played so indifferently last year that he was benched for a while.
The young star lacks “focus,” and Cairo was signed specifically to inspire/scare Lopez into trying harder. In fact, this is the third consecutive year that Seattle has signed an old veteran like Cairo to light a fire under Lopez’s can.
"We need improved offense at second base,” said Seattle GM Bill Bavasi in November. “Whether we get someone else or take Jose and make him better, we have to get better there. … (Lopez) is a young kid finding his way still. From my point of view, it is more a focus issue than anything else."
Gee whiz, doesn’t your heart just break for the delicate Mr. Lopez? I mean, he’s pulling down $6 mil for a fantasy job that most of us dream about … and he just can’t seem to get cranked up.
I can imagine him, like a spoiled actor, asking his crusty manager before every game, “What’s my motivation?”
Personally, I think the Mariners are taking the wrong approach. Instead of signing Cairo at $850,000, they ought to sign me for half that.
I could motivate Lopez, and it wouldn’t be hard. In fact, I’ve already thought of three helpful things I’d tell the petulant star when his enthusiasm waned:
1) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”
2) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”
3) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
8 more for '08
Back from vacation; ready to rumble.
Eight days after my last post, on this eighth day of ’08, here are eight things I do NOT want to see in 2008:
8) A sequel to “Knocked Up” starring Jamie Lynn Spears.
7) A report that chocolate causes cancer.
6) A doping scandal at the Beijing Olympics.
5) Another report of an animal getting out of its cage at a zoo.
4) Roger Clemens coming out of retirement — again.
3) Another assassination of a moderate leader in a place filled with crazies and haters.
2) A president-elect who loses the popular vote but wins in the Electoral College.
1) A recession.
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