Seattle slacker

This is one of those “only in America” stories. Or maybe an “only in baseball” story.

Seems the Seattle Mariners have signed a journeyman infielder by the name of Miguel Cairo to a one-year contract — for the tidy sum of $850,000.

Nothing unusual there. Teams do things like that all the time.

What is unusual is the main reason the Mariners signed Cairo.

You see, they already have a second baseman by the name of Jose Lopez. And Lopez is, or was, pretty good, since they gave him a $6 million contract, which is hefty even by baseball’s inflated standards.

But poor Mr. Lopez … well, he just can’t seem to get motivated. He played so indifferently last year that he was benched for a while.

The young star lacks “focus,” and Cairo was signed specifically to inspire/scare Lopez into trying harder. In fact, this is the third consecutive year that Seattle has signed an old veteran like Cairo to light a fire under Lopez’s can.

"We need improved offense at second base,” said Seattle GM Bill Bavasi in November. “Whether we get someone else or take Jose and make him better, we have to get better there. … (Lopez) is a young kid finding his way still. From my point of view, it is more a focus issue than anything else."

Gee whiz, doesn’t your heart just break for the delicate Mr. Lopez? I mean, he’s pulling down $6 mil for a fantasy job that most of us dream about … and he just can’t seem to get cranked up.

I can imagine him, like a spoiled actor, asking his crusty manager before every game, “What’s my motivation?”

Personally, I think the Mariners are taking the wrong approach. Instead of signing Cairo at $850,000, they ought to sign me for half that.

I could motivate Lopez, and it wouldn’t be hard. In fact, I’ve already thought of three helpful things I’d tell the petulant star when his enthusiasm waned:

1) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”

2) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”

3) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”