By now you’ve read it all. Instead of rehashing all that jazz, let’s boil it down to this:
It’s Cardinal offense vs. Steeler defense.
A chronically dysfunctional franchise against one of the best-run outfits in sports.
A gritty steel town vs. a Sunbelt retirement center.
On paper, the Steelers are a better team. But better teams don’t always win.
The Cardinals will win because of momentum, intangibles and Kurt Warner.
33-27. You read it here first.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Super Bowl prediction
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Movin' on
It’s official: We’re all in the wrong place.
A new survey by the Pew Center revealed that almost half of all Americans would like to live somewhere else in America.
A majority of city dwellers would like to live in suburbs, small towns or the country.
Detroit, Cleveland and Cincinnati got the fewest votes as big cities where people wanted to live. (No surprise there with Motown and The Mistake By The Lake, but Cincinnati?)
In none of the big cities included in the survey did a majority of their residents actually want to live there.
Despite all this dissatisfaction and restlessness, eight of 10 people surveyed rated the place they live as excellent.
Even though a big chunk of them want to get out of Dodge.
… I think we’ve all learned a lesson here: Most surveys don’t make sense.
FEEDBACK: Where do you want to live?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Gimme an 'L' (your honor)
So it’s come to this: Cheerleading has now been defined as a “contact sport.”
That’s right, sideline gawkers. And as usual, there’s a lawsuit behind all this.
A cheerleader in Wisconsin was upset at a fellow squad member who didn’t catch her as she fell while doing a stunt. So she did what any red, white and blue American would do these days. She sued her fellow cheerleader and the school district.
Fortunately, the Wisconsin Supreme Court slapped her down on both counts. But it did so by declaring cheerleading, of all things, a contact sport. And under Wisconsin law, that means cheerleaders can be sued only for acting recklessly.
This came as a great surprise to almost everyone who isn’t on the Wisconsin Supreme Court. As a lower court ruled in that very state last year, cheerleading isn’t a contact sport because, well, because it contains no actual contact between players on opposing teams, as in real contact sports like football and hockey. (And office Christmas parties.)
There you have it: Cheerleading stunts are getting more complex and dangerous, and cheerleading injuries are soaring. So are cheerleader lawsuits.
I guess it would be too much to suggest dialing back a bit and being safe.
TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS, A DOLLAR
ALL FOR AN INCREASINGLY LITIGIOUS SOCIETY,
STAND UP AND HOLLER!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Who wants to be a millionaire?
It must be tough being rich.
You have the constant headaches about where to invest your loot. You have the never-ending problem of where to find good help. You have endless pleas from politicians for donations. And have you tried to find a good Mercedes mechanic lately?
And now this annoying recession is making things even worse.
Suddenly, you can’t flaunt your money, or even let the lower classes know you’re set for life.
There’s even a name for the new syndrome: luxury shame.
“There’s a sense of there being a gaucheness in spending in excess and coming home with a Louis Vuitton or Chanel bag,” said Lucyann Barry, a personal shopper and stylist for the upper crust.
Some snooty shops are being asked to put the goodies in a plain white bag. Others even have to ship the swag to your mansion so you can walk out of the boutique as if you didn’t buy anything. (As if!)
This is very, very wrong.
People without money still need role models. They need to know that a very few of us can “drop $10,000 on a shopping spree that might bring home a couple of ostrich skin handbags, a pair of shoes and a designer dress.”
When they see the uber-wealthy doing this, and flitting around in limos and private jets, they are inspired to work harder at their lousy jobs.
It gives these losers the hope that some day, they too will spend a grand for a bottle of bubbly or a night in a suite without blinking one of their pretty eyelashes.
They won’t, of course. But as long as they don’t know that, everything keeps running smoothly.
So the next time you see a millionaire, give him a hearty smile and a thumbs-up. He’s doing his part. At least you could be grateful.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Say it ain't so, T.O.
Let’s review: The Dallas Cowboys are the most underachieving team in the NFL.
They were picked to go the Super Bowl, and they didn’t even go to a single playoff game. At least they could have survived into the post-season to lose their first game, as they have in recent years.
Worse for them this year, an uber-achieving team, the Arizona Cardinals, goes in their place.
After the season staggered to an end, owner Jerry Jones and coach Wade Phillips vowed “changes,” details to be announced later. But both hinted they would get back to the basics, focus on responsibility and get more performance out of their highly paid prima donnas.
Is mega-problem Terrell Owens on board with this new approach?
Not exactly. T.O. announced plans to star in his own reality show on VH1 this summer.
His “best friends and publicists — Monique Jackson and Kita Williams — will help him re-examine his personal life. The two will work as ‘matchmakers and therapists’.”
… Yup, I’d say that’s just what the ’Boys need to help them get back on track.
My early prediction for next year’s record: Another 9-7 season, another season of watching the playoffs from the living room couch.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Obama whammy
Hmmm. Just three days after he is inaugurated, Barack Obama, the liberal who relentlessly criticized George Bush for being too hawkish, gives the OK for three — count ’em, three! — missile strikes from an unmanned drone in northern Pakistan along the border with Afghanistan.
At least five terrorists are believed to have woken up in the Afterlife when the dust cleared.
Finally, a flip-flopping politician I can support!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Take Two
It’s already happened — the first major screw-up of the Obama administration. And it happened before there was an Obama administration.
The new president had to take the oath of office a second time because the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court couldn’t get 35 lousy words in the right order.
Instead of asking Obama to say, “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States,” John Roberts blurbled “that I will execute the office of president to the United States faithfully.”
Geez, what a putz. Roberts flubs his only line on a day of supreme importance.
From now until the end of time, instead of watching inspiring film clips of the magic moment, we will see Obama giving Roberts one of those how-could-you-be-so-stupid looks.
So they did it again in the White House Map Room, just to head off Internet crazies who will start claiming that O was never properly sworn in and therefore isn’t really the president, and it’s all part of a giant conspiracy to do something really bad.
So everything is fine, right?
Well … when he did the do-over ... Obama didn’t place his hand on a Bible!
Even though that’s not required by the Constitution, let’s hope the Internet crazies miss it.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Fast food
I hope this new restaurant in Lumberton succeeds. But you won't see me in line at Prima Take-N-Bake Pizza.
Why? Because they don't sell pizza like other pizza joints. They sell you an uncooked pie which you have to take home, put in an oven, wait 20 minutes or so and then eat.
No thanks!
When I buy uncooked food, it's at a grocery store. If I go to a restaurant, the food had better be ready to rock 'n' roll.
When I want fish at a restaurant, I don't want the waiter to hand me a rod and reel and point to the pond out back.
When I want salad, I don't want to be directed to the garden on the side.
When I want chicken, I don't want to go into the hen house, grab one, bring it out, chop its head off, pluck the feathers, etc.
Let's restrict self-service to gas stations.
FEEDBACK: Would you patronize a restaurant like that?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I vant to be alone
While the entire world was fixated on the admittedly historic inauguration of our first black president, other major news was being seriously underreported.
Like the German woman who was missing for 12 years and found to be living in the woods outside the Swiss capital of Bern.
“The 52-year-old woman,” reported the Associated Press, “appeared to be healthy after living in the simple shelter. ... ”
12 years! I don’t even think mega-survival experts like Bear Grylls or Les Stroud could hack that. In Switzerland, a warm day is when you take off the woolen mittens but keep on the parka.
This bombshell creates more questions than a Senate hearing on Wall Street corruption.
What did she eat? How did she survive the cold? How did she fight off the bears and wolves? Where did she go for vacation? … OK, if you’re living in a lean-to in the woods and foraging for grubs, a jaunt to the Caribbean is probably off the list.
The woman seemed rational, authorities say, but “she also spoke of a mission that she had to fulfill.”
What the heck could that be? Getting in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest campout?
Lady, if you want it that bad, you’ve got it!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Barack 'n' roll
Unless your name is Ann Coulter, you have to wish good luck to Barack Obama.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a Dem, a Repub or a Flat Earther. We have only one president at a time. As of noon Tuesday, he is it.
Sure, we have governors and congressmen, but no one has the clout and impact and wow factor of the president. So much depends on him, and this one person can do so much for good or ill.
If President Obama can fix our economy (without mega-deficits), keep the cost of gasoline low (as in below $4 a gallon) help the Big Three survive (without constant handouts) ease away from Iraq (without turning that country into the new Lebanon), ramp up the fight in Afghanistan (without getting bogged down a la Vietnam), his presidency will be a huge success.
And we will all be grateful.
If he blunders, all Americans pay the price as well as millions of people abroad.
It’s like that old saying, “What’s good for General Motors is good for the country.”
(OK, that old saying sounded better before GM became a classic symbol of a failing dinosaur, but you get my point.)
Go, O.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Jerry-isms
Not that it wasn’t deserved, but Dallas Cowboys fans had to be puzzled that owner Jerry Jones fired defensive coordinator Brian Stewart today.
Why the surprise? Well, just a few weeks ago, an exasperated Jones told reporters who were badgering him about whether he would be firing any coaches:
“Look, can y’all not understand statements? The coaching staff is in place. The coaching staff is in place. The building is here. You want to ask the question, ‘What if it blows down?’ ”
Clear as mud, Jerry.
(Wade, keep the ol’ resume up to date.)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Crude but effective
We all know that police officers shouldn’t break the law.
We all know they should provide a wholesome, uplifting example to the low-lifes -- I mean, socially disadvantaged suspects -- they come across.
Still, deep down inside, isn’t it strangely satisfying to read that:
“Four teenagers say police in a northern Mexican town spray-painted their hair, shoes and buttocks to teach them not to paint graffiti on public property.”
Yeah, yeah, I know. If you let cops spraypaint vandals, well, then, pretty soon something really bad will happen.
True enough. … But I doubt those kids will be into graffiti any more.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Scary headlines
“Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay”
That was the headline splashed all over the Internet on Wednesday.
It was one of those stories you didn’t need to read any further to know that it was bad news.
A loose monkey is one thing — believe me. A feces-throwing monkey? My friend, that is trouble squared.
Here are some other headlines you simply do not want to read in the next few days, or ever:
“Obama to name Blagojevich as Secretary of the Treasury, says nation needs some ‘Chicago Action’ ”
“Super Bowl to be canceled, replaced by International Chess Festival”
“Dow Jones falls into negative territory; stocks now not worth anything”
“Wade Phillips out in Dallas; Jones brings back Switzer for second stint”
“Cruise to star in new Hitler flick, ‘Adolph, the Early Years’ ”
“Gun goes off in Utah restroom, shatters toilet”
(Wait a minute; that last one was real.)
FEEDBACK: What is a scary headline you do NOT want to read?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Cheers and jeers
Sad. That’s the only word that can be used to describe a 34-year-old woman in Wisconsin who tried to impersonate her own daughter and become a high school cheerleader.
(OK, I’ll go with “bizarre” too, the more I think about it.)
That’s right, dear readers. Wendy Brown was committed to a mental hospital for three years after being found not guilty of identity theft because she was, well, loony.
Wendy tried to pass herself off as her 15-year-old daughter, who was living with a relative out of state. She actually enrolled in high school and made it on the cheerleading squad.
Eventually, though, she was found out and told to turn in her pom-poms.
Looking back on it, there were signs that the mature woman was not a teeny-bopper. For example, she was caught saying things like:
“What brand are you using to hide gray hair?”
“Hey, let’s see Van Halen next time they come to town.”
“Did anybody find my mood ring in the locker room?”
and finally:
“Forget about the game clock. I’m worried about my biological clock!”
Friday, January 09, 2009
The eyes have it
The year is young, but I’m pretty sure Andre Thomas wins the Ickiest Story of the Year award.
Andre, of course, would be the Texas Death Row inmate who ripped out his remaining eye (after doing the same to his first) and ate it.
Wow. There are two possibilities here:
1) Andre is insane, as his lawyer claims, and should be spared from execution.
2) Andre is not insane but is reeeaaallly determined to avoid the whole Dead Man Walking thing.
Either way, I think the state’s newest blind man deserves a break here.
Give him a life sentence instead -- and be real careful about letting him have anything sharper than a rubber ball.
And finally, let’s please not have any jokes about prison food.
Yuck. Mega-yuck.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Driving While Idiotic
Drum roll, please:
The first nominee for Stupid Criminal Of the Year is …
Peter Mbugua of Wylie, Texas.
Pete was charged with causing the death of a motorcyclist in a traffic accident in March. Seems that he was exiting Interstate 71-75 in Kentucky when he couldn’t stop at a traffic signal.
That’s pretty bad, but Pinhead Pete was offered a sweet deal. All he had to do was admit to knowingly driving his tractor-trailer truck with defective brakes.
Had he done so, he would have gotten probation. That’s a three-syllable word that means “no time in the slammer.”
For some reason, Pete wouldn’t sign on the dotted line.
So he went to trial.
And got convicted of second-degree manslaughter.
And got eight years in prison.
… Good thing. Anybody that dumb shouldn't be on the road.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Heavier than air
If you think your job is tough, be glad you don’t work for Air India.
Why? Because the Indian national airline just fired nine flight attendants for being overweight.
Apparently, the folks who run Air India are serious about having employees who are lean ’n’ mean. Two years ago, they warned all 1,600 cabin crew workers to get in shape or be demoted to ground jobs.
And that’s not all. The same passion for poundage applies to passengers too. If you’re the slightest bit overweight, you might hear unkind remarks like:
“Good morning, Tubby. Will you be flying first-class, coach or cargo?”
“Please fasten your safety belt — if you can get it around that monstrous gut of yours.”
“Would you like the chicken or beef entrée, or do you want both, you big, fat pig?”
… Kinda makes you miss the good ol’ days of flying the friendly skies.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
More Matt Millen?
Maybe the Super Bowl will be worth watching after all. Why? ’Cause NBC went and hired Matt Millen as an expert commentator for the special event.
Matt who, you may be saying? Well, that would be the same Matt Millen -- former NFL player and TV analyst -- who was GM of the Detroit Lions for the past seven years.
And yes, during Millen’s mismanagement, the Lions went 31-84. That’s one of the worst records in football — in any sport — over that span. This year, of course, Millen’s misfits went 0-16. They’re the first team to lose all 16 games in a season since the NFL went to a 16-game season.
I guess if the Lions could’ve figured out a way to win one lousy game Millen would still be kicking around MoTown promising, “Wait’ll next year.”
Finally, even the lowly Lions had enough, and Matt was canned.
I don’t know what Mediocre Matt should do with the rest of his life, but it should not involve football — much less the mother-of-all football gigs like the Super Bowl.
Hiring Matt Millen as an expert commentator for the Big Bowl is like hiring Bernard Madoff as a financial planner.
Hiring Matt Millen as an expert commentator for the Big Bowl is like hiring Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich as an ethics advisor.
Hiring Matt Millen as an expert commentator for the Big Bowl is like hiring Amy Winehouse as a substance abuse counselor.
… The point I’m trying to make is, MATT MILLEN HAS DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OVER THE PAST SEVEN YEARS TO EARN THIS HIGHLY COVETED SLOT! ... IN FACT, HE IS NOT QUALIFIED TO SELL HOT DOGS AT POP WARNER GAMES OR HOLD A SIDELINE FIRST-DOWN MARKER IN A REC LEAGUE!
Other than that, the game should be interesting.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Blago's blunders (continued)
Now that Monday Night Football is over, America needs some serious entertainment to get through these dark winter months. Thank God we’ll always have Illinois politics.
In the latest episode of this ongoing soap opera, Gov. Rod Blagojevich has gone ahead and appointed someone to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the U.S. Senate. Blago did that even though he’s about to be impeached for trying to auction off Obama’s old seat like it was a rare Picasso.
(Note to Blago: Picasso is not an alderman from Chicago.)
The guy Blago appointed, former Illinois attorney general Roland Burris, wants everyone to act like nothing happened and treat him like a real senator.
Real senators, even Democrats, are less than enthusiastic about that option — because Blago is about to be impeached for trying to auction off Obama’s old seat like it was a rare Picasso.
(Second note to Blago: Picasso is not a reserve outfielder for the Cubs.)
In fact, Burris, who lacks the modesty and restraint that Illinois politicians are known for, said of those reluctant senators, “We are hoping and praying that they will not be able to deny what the Lord has ordained. I am not hesitating. I am now the junior Senator from the state of Illinois.”
Roland, Roland, Roland!
First, you aren’t a senator until you’re sworn in. This isn’t like Chicago politics, when you assume the office when the money changes hands.
Secondly, I was not aware that your ascension to the Senate was “what the Lord has ordained.” There’s always a chance that God wants to do the right thing here, which may or may not involve you.
What a mess. None of this would have happened if Blago hadn’t tried to auction off Obama’s old seat like it was a rare Picasso.
(Third note to Blago: Picasso is not an outside linebacker for the Bears.)
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