Mr. Big

This guy was a big criminal. Literally.

Stephon Turo, a drug dealer being sentenced in Auburn, N.Y., weighed about 600 pounds.

He was hauled to court on the back of a pickup truck. He was sentenced near the loading dock. Then he was loaded into an ambulance with the help of 10 people and shipped to prison.

Talk about your scales of justice. I think the judge was just happy to get rid of him before lunch.

The real question is, how could tubby Turo commit any crimes?

The news story said he “suffers from various staph and strep infections, kidney failure and can walk only a few feet, even with the assistance of other people.”

Still, prosecutors said he was selling prescription drugs from his home for nearly 10 years.

I’m guessing he didn’t mess with diet drugs.

The next question is, what do you do with a lump of lawbreakin' like that?

I don’t think he could share a cell with anyone. And you’d have to keep him on the ground floor.

On the plus side, if the prison had a football team he could play “offensive line.”

And I don’t think you’d have to worry about him tunneling to freedom.

Since he’s got a two-year sentence, the prison shouldn’t feed him until he gets out. That would get him down to normal size by his release date, and save taxpayers a few bucks too.

Just call it “weight management” if the ACLU squawks.