Celebrity shockers

I don’t know what to think any more.

Kevin Federline has just been declared the more responsible parent of his children.

I did not believe I would read those words in this lifetime.

If K-Fed is now the brains of the outfit, what’s next? What other shockers could await us in the morning’s paper?

Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if I soon read …

TEHERAN, Iran — Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stunned many of his countrymen this week when he admitted during an interview, “Really, if you think about all the dumb stuff I say and do, the threats, the Holocaust denial — and don’t forget my goofy clothes — the only conclusion you could reach is that I’m a silly little turd.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Bush announced today that after a great deal of reconsideration, “We probably should have had some kind of plan about what to do in Iraq after we took down Saddam. Hey; my bad! Too bad we can’t get a do-over with that one.”

SAN FRANCISCO — Former Giants slugger Barry Bonds acknowledged today that he had been using performance-enhancing drugs for years. “Was I juicing? Hell yes! Did you think I was going to play by the rules like all those other chumps? … Why are looking at me like that? Did I stutter?”

NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a candid interview, Sen. Hillary Clinton admitted that her first reaction to the Monica Lewinsky scandal was not as calm as many had believed. “Let’s just say that the next morning, Bill got his pot of bubbling hot coffee bright and early — right where he needed it.”

LOS ANGELES — Paris Hilton confirmed today that she was indeed just as stupid as many people believed. “I don’t know doodly. Things just enter my head and rattle around like marbles in a, you know, whatchamacallit? … By the way, is it true that MTV is going off the air because of, like, that global warming thing?”