Be a safe 'Weenie!

It’s that time of year again, a time when folks are fearful and nervous, wondering if they will survive. No, not April 15! It’s Halloween!

By now most of us realize that those old stories about trick-or-treating kids getting apples with razor blades in them are phony.

Some hospitals used to give free X-rays of candy bags on Halloween but gave up because they never found anything.

Sure, there was that slimeball in Houston nicknamed “The Candyman” who killed his own son with poisoned candy and claimed the kid got it while trick-or-treating. Thank God he got the Mother of All Injections for that horror.

And no, when it happened, I didn’t worry if the dirtbag was suffering cruel and unusual punishment because the needle prick was somewhat unpleasant.

But hey, it never hurts to be careful. So when you take your little ones door-to-door tonight, here are five things to watch out for:

1) Houses bearing signs that read, “A registered sex offender lives here.”

2) Doors opened by creepy men wearing clothing that says, “I skinned a man alive and all I got was this lousy shirt.”

3) A house with an armored Humvee in the driveway with a “Blackwater Security” bumper sticker.

4) Doors opened by shifty-looking characters who say, “Sure, c’mon in! And don’t mind those blood-curdling screams coming from basement. … It’s, uh, my washing machine.”

5) And finally, please make sure to avoid those decrepit homes occupied by weird old men with 64 dogs — some dead, some alive, all mangy — or crazy old ladies with 64 cats — some dead, some alive, all mangy.

How will you know if it’s one of those homes? Well, a dead giveaway would be … the presence of dozens of dogs or cats — some dead, some alive, all mangy!