Some day in the not-too-distant future when your child asks you why the federal government is broke, you can say:
“ 'Cause we spent all the money on stupid things like monkey research back in 2010.”
It’s true, taxpayers. $71,623 in stimulus funds is being used to basically study what happens to monkeys when they get high on cocaine.
(As with people, they dance a lot and talk too much.)
A critic called it one of the "10 worst federal stimulus projects in North Carolina." I would hate to see the other nine.
As an expert in monkey behavior – well, I have watched a bunch of National Geographic specials on TV – I can tell you that monkeys are not that mysterious.
They eat too fast like teenagers, yell too loud like sports fans and groom too much like beauty salon regulars.
In other words, they’re just like us, only with more hair.
And at least we can be house-trained.
Uncle Sam ought to take back the 71 grand and spend it on something more worthwhile, which is basically anything else.
I would suggest 10 college scholarships for veterans.
If that’s too simple and we want to “create jobs,” how about two more full-time pruners for the cherry blossom trees in D.C.?
If any monkeys want a piece of this action, they can be unpaid interns.
Remember all this when you’re filing your tax return and getting ready to write that check. ... Your tax dollars at work … or not!
Monday, March 08, 2010
Going ape
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3 comments:
Sophomores.
My understanding is the majority of the rest of the "fund" went to the following:
1. A moonshine study.
2. The Emergency NASCAR Rescue project.
3. A cultural study re: numbers of barefoot AND pregnant 14 year olds.
4. Michael Jackson: myth or girlie man?
The remaining funds went to a "fact finding" road trip to all the Hooters in the state.
Hey, let's not forget that the White House Mayor of the Palace is so poor he can't afford even a towel to cover his nether regions. Clearly this poor public servant needs some, um, stimulus, um, money.
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