Heavy load

It’s a growing problem — literally.

That would be the increasingly common challenge for ambulance crews having to strain and sweat to move patients who weigh 400, 600 and even 800 pounds.

Holy hernia! Can you say “obesity epidemic”?

The latest report comes from Nebraska and Iowa. Let’s just say that cattle aren’t the only corn-fed behemoths on the Great Plains.

“Lloyd Rupp, a battalion chief in the Omaha Fire Department, said his crews encounter a 400-pound-plus patient every several days. Five to 10 years ago, crews would run into such patients every couple of weeks.”

The solution here seems obvious: Furniture movers need to be deputized as reserve firefighters.

Then when a call comes in for an, ahem, plus-sized patient, you send out a big ol’ truck, three or four big ol’ guys and maybe a forklift.

Hey, these dudes are already used to hauling massive beds and appliances! For them, a human being that size is just another job. Sure, if you drop this load, it says “Ouch!” but otherwise it’s the same game of man vs. mass.

To sweeten the pot, you could let the furniture company send along a salesman to make a quick pitch for a recliner or sofa to the patient’s relatives. After all, if you’re weighing in at a quarter-ton or so, you probably spend a lot of time watching Dr. Phil and shoveling in Cheetos.

In fact, if we could get the new “free” health care to pay for this innovative service, everyone comes out a winner.

Are you listening, Congress?