After months of watercooler gossip and friendly wagers, the great mystery has been solved. Kim Jong Il, the psychotic dictator of North Korea, has chosen his No. 3 son Kim Jong Un to carry the torch, so to speak.
Un appears to be a chip of the ol’ block — a bizarre introvert with a drinking problem. Just what the world needs — a 26-year-old with nuclear toys.
On the plus side, he was educated in Switzerland and likes basketball and Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.
His MySpace profile says he is into long walks on the beach, cuddling up with a good book on a rainy afternoon, bludgeoning anyone who shows him disrespect and partying with imported Swedish prostitutes. (I told ya — a chip off the ol’ block!)
If things could get any weirder in North Korea — and that’s saying a lot — sons No. 1 and No. 2 were passed over for certain, uh, deficiencies.
The eldest son was being groomed for the top spot until he was caught trying to enter Japan on a fake passport in 2001 to visit Tokyo’s Disneyland. (You can’t make this stuff up.)
And pop thinks the middle son is — and I swear to God this is a literal quote from the AP story — “too effeminate.” (See above reference to one’s inability to make this stuff up.)
In theory, of course, commies don’t hand down power in a tightly controlled dynasty like the royalty they are supposed to be so different from. In reality, if you mention this in North Korea you soon have a close encounter with a firing squad.
I guess we’ll all soon find out if Un’s got the moxie to keep a lid on the world’s largest concentration camp, threaten world powers with the odd nuke blast or missile launch and extort food and fuel to keep the family enterprise running.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Un’s the one
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4 comments:
Tom, you just need to try to understand the Ill family's special needs. If we could all just hold hands around a GM hybrid and sing "We Are the World," then the Age of Aquarium would at last embrace us in her loving arms of eath-loving, carbon-neutral, multicultural, vegeterian, oh,you know, like, stuff.
The Air France plane went down because of evil George Bush's environmental policies. If only we all took the bus and recycled! Mack is being funny (he thinks), but I'd like to shake Kim Jong Il's hand and look him in the eye and tell him he's got a friend in me.
How many Americans have died for Korea? Maybe a decade or so of isolationism would be good.
There's just something about midget mass-murderers with lift-shoes and wild hair that gets me all excited.
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