Big Unit needs new nickname

Well, Giants pitcher Randy Johnson has finally done it. He won his 300th game, which is impressive enough.

But what’s more amazing is that he may be the last hurler to do so.

You see, today’s pampered pitchers throw every fifth day instead of every fourth.

And they often don’t go deep enough into a game to get a win. Nervous managers are always rushing out to the mound to insert the closer, the setup man or the middle reliever.

The real mystery about Johnson, however, is his nickname: The Big Unit.

This is the oddest and most mysterious nickname in all of sports. It sounds like a nickname you’d give the smartest kid in math class.

Randy Johnson needs a new nickname, something that would scare batters and get him some borderline calls by the ump.

Something like The Intimidator. … That one’s already taken? OK, then I would suggest:

The really tall guy. (He’s 6’10”)

Big Bird. (You see, he's tall, skinny and has a big nose.) (But he isn't yellow.)

The pitcher with the mullet. (No explanation needed.)

Mark Fidrych’s older brother. (Another weird guy.)

The pitcher who obliterated a seagull with a fastball. (Makes every collection of sports bloopers.)

… More suggestions are welcome. I will admit that at least his nickname is not as bad as the one hung on boxer Eric “Butterbean” Esch.

If I had a nickname like Butterbean, I think I’d enter the Witness Protection Program.