News flash: Cigarettes and junk food will kill you!

Here we go again: Another silly research project that tells us things we already knew:

Like how smoking cigs, drinking booze, eating junk food and being a couch potato will make you die early.

Duh!

Who is surprised by this bombshell? Even the people who sell you tequila and Twinkies know they’re killing you in slow-motion. They just want to make a few bucks off you before you croak.

Jeez, the only things that could present a bigger threat to your health would be:

1) Selling barbecued puppies at a PETA convention.

2) Standing up behind the Red Sox dugout at Fenway and leading a cheer for Derek Jeter.

3) Asking the customs agent at the airport in Saudi Arabia, “ … And could you please give me directions to the nearest synagogue?”

Clearly, the only way to avoid checking out early is clean living and hard work.

That means cutting out sugar or booze, forcing yourself to take cold showers every day, doing 50 pushups before bedtime and going on a brisk run each morning, rain or shine or hurricane.

That way, even if you don’t live to be 100, it will seem like it.