The real State of the Union

Here is the real State of the Union, the speech that President Obama wanted to give but was talked out of at the last minute.

Through my extensive journalistic contacts in Washington, I have been able to obtain a rare transcript of the speech that officially does not exist:

“My fellow Americans: Thank you for taking the time to listen to me tonight, but I must warn you. This will not be your standard State of the Union bullride. I am going to level with you.

“The State of our Union is not good. In fact, if we were a company, we’d be holding a going-out-of-business sale, the pathetic kind where you even unload the office furniture.

“Basically, we’re a B&B. That’s the worst combination you can have – broke and borrowing.

“My health care plan is DOA, even though I still have to pretend I can resuscitate it. But if you want an alternative from the Republicans, you’ll be DOA before it happens.

“Congress has some good people, but also lots of posers, hacks and errand boys. My party has too many people who think government can do everything. The other party has too many people who think government can do nothing.

“But that’s OK, because many of their constituents don’t deserve better representation. You voters want us to keep cutting your taxes while giving you more government goodies. Do the math on that one, pinheads.

“The recession is not over, no matter what Bernanke says. (And he deserved Time’s Person of the Year like I deserved the Nobel Peace Prize.)

“Fact is, the recession is probably just taking a breather before it really nails us later this year. Hey, it’s so bad that even oil companies aren’t making money! And if you think there will be an American carmaker still operating in 10 years, you probably think reality shows are real.

“And that’s another thing: I couldn’t even give this damn speech when I wanted because it would clash with the premier of ‘Lost.’ What’s up with that? I ought to give away the ending and spoil it for you clowns.

“My Cabinet is doing a decent job, but Joe Biden still says something stupid every other day. Sometimes I wish I had chosen Hillary instead for VP, but Bill would have been over here all the time, trying to give me free advice on how he did it back in the good ol’ days. What a putz.

“I suppose we’ll muddle through somehow; we always do. But the chances of your kid wearing a paper hat instead of holding a sheepskin are pretty high, and soon we may start issuing IOUs instead of T-bills.

“In fact, I’d be real depressed if it weren’t for the fact that we’re going to have a good Super Bowl this year. If you take the Colts and give the points, you’ll have some extra spending money the next day. Just don’t forget to report your winnings on your tax return.

“So good night and God bless. And just remember, it could have been worse. John Edwards could’ve gotten this job instead.”