Back On Earth

Monday, April 27, 2009

Flu who?

So it’s come to this: The deputy health minister in Israel says the term “swine flu” is offensive to Jews and Muslims.

Why? Well, because for devout members of both faiths, let’s just say that pork is not the other white meat.

And this guy even says the illness should be called the “Mexican flu” because that country has the worst outbreak so far.

Gosh, it seems that if he was going to whine about being offended, he could come up with a better name that that. I’m going to go waaaay out on a limb here and guess that folks in Mexico would not be overly thrilled with that label.

What we need here, obviously, is a politically correct term for this new affliction. I would suggest:

“The illness/ailment that may have originated in/near pigs, though we’re not sure and do not wish to stereotype members of the Porcine Community, or suggest that they are not as clean as cows or horses, or imply that animals which roll around in or eat icky things should be condemned for their lifestyle choice.”

... OK, maybe that is a little long.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Animal attrition

Wow; the recession is worse than I thought. Now the Bronx Zoo is laying off animals!

That’s right, peanut-tossers. The zoo has to slash $15 million from its budget, so the Formosan deer, Arabian onyx, bats and porcupines are being downsized. Even the critters in the famed “World of Darkness.” It’s going dark too.

That’s tough, but I've always wondered: Exactly how do you lay off an animal?

I guess it would be with a polite form letter, something along the lines of:

“Dear Mammal (or Reptile):

“We regret to inform you that your services are no longer needed. Our income has been lagging for some time, and it didn’t help that we invested a bundle with Bernie Madoff. Jeez; what were we thinking?

“We realize that this is a difficult move, but the public support just isn’t there anymore. Apparently, people would rather look at animated animals on some silly Disney movie instead of coming here and seeing the real thing. What a bunch of schmucks. (Them, not you.)

“We do appreciate all the sacrifices you have made in recent months. Larry the Lion volunteered to cut 10 pounds of raw meat off his daily diet. Billy the Buffalo said he could switch from imported prairie grass to zoysia from that spot near the concession stands.

“Alas, it was in vain. Please clean out your cages by the end of the week. We can serve as a reference for your next zoo — and we don’t have to mention that unfortunate incident with the homeless man who crawled into the bear pit.

“Think of this not as an end of one journey but the beginning of another. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life — unless you can’t find a new home and get fed to something in the next cage.

“Oh, and another thing: Don’t leave one last ‘present’ for the keepers. We can’t afford any new shovels until next year.”

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Blago on the go

Poor Rod Blagojevich.

A federal judge in Chicago won’t let the disgraced (and disgusting) former governor of Illinois go to Costa Rica for a reality show called, of all things, “I’m a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!”

The judge may be afraid that Blago would leave the country and never come back. We should be so lucky.

Blago, desperate for cash since he lost his paying job and is facing some hefty legal fees, is not giving up.

He says he might stay in the states and “play some other role in the show.”

I don’t know what that might be, but I’m pretty sure it won’t be:

1) Ethics advisor.

2) Legal advisor.

3) Hair stylist.

Let’s face it; Blago has a limited set of skills for today’s challenging work environment. There aren’t too many jobs that call for acting like a jerk and extorting bribes. (OK, that does sound like a judge on “American Idol,” but you get my point.)

Blago needs to stop dreaming and start focusing on his next role. That, of course, would be starring in “I’m an Inmate … Get Me Out Of Here.”

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

get a life lusr

It’s a good thing that Nick Andes and Doug Klinger haven’t been wasting their time like so many people these days.

The two Pennsylvania men have just set the world record for sending the most text messages in a month.

Yeah, it does sound impressive, doesn’t it?

And we’re not talking about immature teenagers; these guys are 29 and 30. Their parents must be thrilled.

The Texting Twosome banged out 217,000 text messages in March to go down in history. That’s an astounding — or pathetic — average of 7,000 texts per day.

“Most were either short phrases or one word, ‘LOL’ or ‘Hello,’ things like that, with tons and tons of repeats,” Andes said proudly.

The story on their, uh, accomplishment described them as “practically nonstop texters for about a decade since they attended Berks Technical Institute together.”

Wow; I guess they think that beats actually having a life.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Back on Earth Day

In honor of our home planet (new motto — “Third from the Sun, first in our hearts”) here are some little-known facts about the Earth on Earth Day:

Exactly 38,629 trees have been felled to print the hardback and softcover versions of Al Gore’s book, “Earth in the Balance.”

A boring person can suck the air out of a room.

Researchers are working on plan to burn off the methane gas expelled by cattle in a program called “Operation Instant Barbecue.”

The coldest temperature ever personally experienced in the U.S. was on a toilet seat in a bathroom of a drafty home in Duluth, Minn., at 6:47 a.m. on Dec. 30, 1984.

Hottest temperature ever personally experienced was on the black vinyl seat of a convertible parked with the top down in Tucson, Ariz., on July 28, 1997.

Dozens of people in the perpetually gloomy Pacific Northwest are secretly rooting for global warming.

Any snow that falls on the street of an alderman in Chicago will mysteriously disappear faster than snow that falls on a main drag.

You never know if a recycled item has been completely sterilized.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Four Corners (not)

There are mistakes, and then there are mistakes.

It turns out that the Four Corners monument in the Southwest U.S. is not exactly situated at the place where Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico and Utah come together.

The real site is, uh, located to the east.

Like 2.5 miles east.

Not 2.5 feet or 2.5 yards, but 2.5 MILES!

Jeez, I don’t know beans about surveying, but I think I could get closer than 2.5 MILES!

Turns out that the site was misidentified in 1868, and nobody got around to checking it until now.

Duh!

So the millions of people who stood there for decades and said, “I can’t believe I’m standing in four states at one time!” are wrong.

They were just standing in one state at one time, which is how most of us pretty much go through our lives.

Which in the case of the muttonhead who surveyed this site, would the STATE OF CONFUSION.

I just hope the Grand Canyon is still in Arizona and the Empire State Building is still in New York. There are some things in life you have to be able to count on.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Oh, Canada!

This is scary: A new law in Canada will bestow Canadian citizenship on hundreds of thousands of Americans who think they’re, well, normal Americans.

It doesn’t seem legal, but it’s typical of those sneaky Canadians to pull something like this. Really, what else could you expect from a country that’s been causing problems across the globe for centuries?

I’ve even heard that George Bush was going to include them in his infamous “Axis of Evil” speech but left ’em off because of a teleprompter glitch. Lucky Canucks!

If you’re like me, something like this will keep you up at night. About all I can do to ease your worries is to remind you, with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, that,

You might be a Canadian if:

-- You have a hockey stick hanging on your bedroom wall instead of a Louisville slugger.

-- You call a temperature in the 20s a “warming spell.”

-- You walk into your neighborhood tavern and say, “Gimme a Molson, eh?”

-- You think Juno Beach was the real hot spot on D-Day.

-- You think Margaret Trudeau was hotter than Michelle Obama.

… I don’t think we should take this lying down. We should pass a law saying you can’t become a Canadian if you’re an American, unless you want to, which few sensible people would.

If that doesn’t work, our new battle cry should be, “Fifty-four forty or fight!”

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Heroes, zeroes

Ship captain Richard Phillips is being hailed as the latest national hero, and so be it.

Any man who surrenders himself to pirates to spare his crew is somebody who deserves all the praise you can give him.

Folks are even calling him “Captain Courageous,” and he’s getting the full celebrity treatment that was recently piled on Chesley Sullenberger.

“Sully,” of course, was the pilot who safely landed his plane in the Hudson River three months ago after a flock of birds used the jet’s engines for a food processor.

Again, all of this is great.

But let’s remember that a hero is rarely, if ever, an athlete, a fashion model, an actor or a singer.

Those people are famous, and sometimes they do good things.

But they are not heroes or role models. Those terms are tossed around far too loosely these days.

As a result, some people can’t distinguish between a celebrity who does something to make himself even more famous temporarily and a real hero. Like a ship’s captain who sacrifices himself for others.

There is a difference between something like that and, say, a pro athlete who plays a game with a minor injury.

Let’s keep that in mind.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tax truths

If you went to a Tea Party on Wednesday, you think your taxes are too high. You are right, but nothing about taxes is simple:

1) Most of us are OK with paying taxes for things we like (i.e., the military, Social Security) but not things we don’t like (i.e., the military, Social Security).

Understandable, but unworkable. If you live a complex society like ours, you usually get the good with the bad.

2) We hate sharpies who take advantage of “loopholes” to pay less taxes.

Sorry, if it’s in the tax code, it’s not a loophole. It’s a legal way to reduce someone’s tax bill, even if you think it’s unfair.

3) Most of us want lower taxes and more government services.

Again, not logical. One funds the other.

… I don’t know what the answer is either. My best guess is that a flat tax (about 15 percent) that exempts the first $10,000 of income would be fairest.

As time goes by, Congress could adjust the tax rate and the starting point for taxable income up or down to make the system equitable.

Finally, I’d wipe out every deduction except a few obvious ones, like for dependents or hurricane damage.

Of course, that’s a fairly simple and straightforward tax system, so of course it will come about the day folks in hell get frostbite.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Lastros

Here we go again. The Astros have started off miserably again, and fans are wondering, “Is it too early to panic?”

In a word, no.

The ’Stros were 1-6 before Tuesday night’s game. It’s their worst start since ’84, if you’re keeping score at home.

The GM and manager Cecil Cooper held a team meeting after Monday night’s loss. They are trying to figure what went wrong.

The consensus of the team meeting reportedly was that the main problem was that they were getting tremendously outscored.

Things are gettin’ kinda desperate in Astroland.

Short of cloning Roy Oswalt and Lance Berkman, I don’t know what the team can do.

OK, they can wait til next year, but we were hoping for something a little more positive.

It is true that they had a lousy start in the year they went to the World Series, so maybe it ain’t over til it’s over.

Still, if May 1 rolls around and the Astros are still looking up at everybody in the NL Central standings, I’d pull the old manager switcharoo and start making some trades.

After all, what’s the worst that can happen? As fans have noticed, it’s already happening.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Swordplay, the sequel

Faithful readers of this blog will recall my intriguing post last Thursday about the elderly woman in Indianapolis who was killed, of all ways, after intervening in a sword fight between relatives.

(OK, maybe “intriguing” is too strong a word there. Whatever.)

What’s really important is that … a second person has died from the swordplay!

A 69-year-old guy also went on to his greater reward from the same Cutlass Contest that claimed the 77-year-old lady.

(Irrelevant blog factoid: The combined age of the deceased in this incident is 146. As Ross Perot used to say, “Fascinating.”)

The guilty party here is a 39-year-old man.

They say chivalry is dead, and I believe it. This clown was fighting a guy 30 years older than him. No wonder he won.

Heck, he probably used the old lady as a shield to lunge at the old guy. And the old lady was his grandmother! The cad!

Anyway, he was already charged with attempted murder. Now that Victim No. 2 is no longer with us, the “attempted” part of that charge gets dropped.

Serves him right. I hope the wheels of justice grind him up and spit him out.

At least he can’t claim, “I swear, your honor, I didn’t know it was loaded.”

Friday, April 10, 2009

AK? No way!

The current government of Iraq wants back the chrome-plated pearl-handled AK-47 that once belonged to Saddam Hussein. And we’re coughing it up!

This rifle has got “spoils of war” written all over it. Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.

It would make a nifty trophy for some U.S. Army base, which is what was planned in Fort Lewis, Wash. That is, it was until the boys in Baghdad decided they wanted it for one of their museums.

Why? Saddam was a beast who slaughtered, abused and imprisoned countless thousands of Iraqis. His crazy legacy should be erased, not enshrined over there.

And we, being so nice and legalistic, are cheerfully complying.

Gee, whiz. After all we’ve done for Iraq, all the blood and treasure we’ve left there, somebody over here at the top of the organizational chart should've said, “Sure, you guys can have it back … as soon as the you satisfy the cold-dead-fingers requirement.”

Always remember:

The British fight for honor.

The French fight for dignity.

Americans fight for souvenirs.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Swordplay

A sudden accidental death is pretty much unpleasant no matter how it happens — or so I would guess. But the way that a 77-year-old woman in Indianapolis checked out was really unusual.

The late Franziska Stegbauer was trying to break up a fight between her grandson and brother-in-law.

So far, so good. Lots of families have disagreements, and sometimes it gets physical.

This scuffle, however, was no ordinary one. The two knuckleheads were not shoving each other or even trading punches. They were sword fighting.

That’s right, sword fighting.

Jeez, who sword fights nowadays except Medieval re-enactors? Even then, I’m pretty sure they use wooden replicas to make sure they end up with the same number of fingers they started with.

Anyhow, poor Franziska tried to intervene, though I’m not sure the world would be a lesser place if one of these rocket scientists had been removed from the gene pool.

Unfortunately, it was the elderly woman who was accidentally stabbed — fatally.

A real tragedy.

Then again, at least she could pass into the next world knowing that she was probably the first person to die from intervening in a sword fight in, oh, I don’t know, 200 years?

... Can you put that on a tombstone?

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Fowled out

It was one of those events you hate to miss:

Former boxer Thomas “Hit Man” Hearns played tic-tac-toe with a chicken in a casino in Detroit.

Hearns outwitted, if that’s the word, the chicken in one game. But another game was a draw.

Apparently, the chicken is no bird brain when it comes to tic-tac-toe. Personally, I’m not impressed. I bet it doesn’t know the Colonel’s formula of 11 secret herbs and spices.

By the way, the promotional event was held in a casino called “Greektown.” Wouldn’t “Motown” be better suited for Detroit?

Whatever. I just hope nobody is counting on this to pick up the slack in Detroit if General Motors goes down.

Now, if they were playing chess, maybe.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

How cold was it?

Baby, it’s cold outside … and that’s wonderful.

Most of the time, by the second week of April we’re slathering on sunscreen and cranking up the A/C.

Not this year. It’s been blissfully cool since Spring “officially” began March 20.

I must confess I'm still using the space heater at home in a back bedroom. The electric blanket has not been put away yet. When you walk outside to get the paper off the driveway, it’s downright chilly.

I love it.

I know that eventually, the oppressive, relentless heat will return.

I know that one morning I will walk outside to get the paper off the driveway and notice that it’s already steaming.

I know that soon I will be pushing a lawn mower and struggling to finish.

I know that I will get into a parked car and feel like I am sitting in a pizza oven.

Yes, it will happen soon.

I will hate it. I will wonder when it will end.

And I will think back to the deliciously cool days of spring.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Nevada no-no

America still has some standards, so it is surprising to read about a sitting governor mired in a messy divorce and accused of adultery. Then again, this is a state whose largest town is nicknamed “Sin City.”

Yes, we are talking about Nevada, the state that evolved from a rest stop between Colorado and California into a gambling mecca that puts Atlantic City to shame. OK, it’s easy to put Atlantic City to shame, but you get my point.

By the way, how is it that our most wide-open state (Nevada) is right next to our most-sedate one (Utah)? Isn’t anyone worried that they could get into a war or something? Apparently not.

Anyhow, Nevada Gov. Jim Gibbons has been accused by his First-Lady-and-soon-to-be-ex-wife Dawn of having numerous affairs, including one with a former Playboy centerfold.

Hmmm. Gibbons is no George Clooney clone. If he was able to seduce a centerfold, there must be something to that old saying, “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.”

Dawn also says that hubbie had another affair with a woman he sent 860 text messages to last year from his state-issued cell phone. The Gov, caught red-handed on that one, had to come up with something, so he said he was consulting the bimbo on state business.

Uh, like what? I’m guessing that they didn’t talk about things like bond ratings or the state’s power grid. I’m guessing the messages were more along the lines of, “C U tonite at usual motel. Wear that pink nightie.”

Whatever. Thank God that what happens in Nevada doesn’t stay in Nevada. With our economy falling off a cliff and North Korea tossing missiles around, we could use some comic relief.

Don’t let us down, governor.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Still in the dog house

You gotta hand it to Michael Vick. Always the optimist, always looking ahead.

At a bankruptcy hearing in Virginia on Friday, the 28-year-old former quarterback says he still has a long future in the NFL.

“If I keep my body in shape, and do the right things, I think I have maybe 10 or 12 more years in my career,” he said.

“Of course in dog years, that’s even longer,” he added.

(OK, I made up that last part. But I bet he was thinking it.)

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Taxing thoughts

Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius is sailing toward confirmation by the U.S. Senate as the next secretary of Health and Human Services despite embarrassing revelations that she owed $8,000 in back taxes.

Sebelius has called the oversight the result of “unintentional errors” related to charitable deductions, mortgage interest and business expenses.

“Hey, that stuff is confusing,” she said in an impromptu press conference in a Senate hallway. “And let’s be honest: You don’t get rich by paying taxes. That’s for suckers. ... Jeez, the secretary of the treasury got confirmed and he owed 40 grand. Give me a break! The president and I have got bigger fish to fry. Go bother someone else.”

(OK, the preceding paragraph is not exactly true. In fact, I made it up. But haven’t you ever suspected that deep down, this is what these Cabinet secretaries are thinking when they are asked annoying questions about back taxes? Just a thought.)

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Top 10, again

Top 10 warning signs that your computer has been infected with that darned Conficker worm:

10) You get message confirming that your trip to Beijing has been booked and your credit card has been billed for two first-class air fares.

9) Your computer suddenly talks to you in a disembodied voice eerily similar to the 1983 movie “WarGames” starring Matthew Broderick saying, “Shall … we … play … a … game?”

8) Your screensaver has changed to, “I got Conficked and all I got was this lousy screensaver!”

7) Your e-mail address has been changed to “I’mwithstupid@gmail.net”

6) You try to post a blog entry about Conficker when suddenl—lZf#3m/a’Qfo=ma$we’fol/m*e7wrDa’irp&qir+p6oqwKo/eirqp*wroi0qVwu2er;.mc/?c/,m3cn/vc~m/z1x

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Top 10 April Fool’s headlines:

10) “Obama admits spending frenzy will end ‘life as we know it’ ”

9) “Joe Biden confesses, ‘I like the sound of my own voice’ ”

8) “Big 3 CEOs agree Japanese cars are waaaay better”

7) “Rush vows to diet, give up cigars”

6) “Octomom says kids annoy her; putting brood up for adoption”

5) “McCain says, ‘Sarah Palin? What was I thinking?’ ”

4) “Palin says McCain looked ‘a lot older, kinda creepy’ in person”

3) “Al Gore finds something that can’t be blamed on global warming”

2) “Houston Texans proclaim end to rebuilding program.”

1) “Astros manager predicts winning season.”

Monday, March 30, 2009

Would you like bullets with those fries?

I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often — somebody going postal in a fast food drive-through.

Like the other day in Salt Lake, where a guy fired a couple of shots into the drive-through window of a McDonald’s with a sawed-off shotgun.

Seems it was Sunday morning and the female driver of a car was told it was too early to order lunch ’cause Mickey D’s was still doing breakfast.

That didn’t go over too well. So two guys got out of the car and one of them whipped out the sawed-off. Maybe they were miffed because they were late for church.

Fortunately, nobody wearing a paper hat (or anything else) was hurt.

While I certainly don’t condone gunplay, I could see how you could get ticked off by the fast-food experience.

In fact, it happens to me all the time. With a bunch of kids and a busy schedule of my own, I spend a lot of time speaking into an intercom at some burger/taco/chicken emporium.

It doesn’t go well a lot of times — and I have low standards because I know it’s a fast-food joint staffed by teenagers who want to be somewhere else.

Still, the frustration factor can get pretty high. The list of recurring problems includes:

-- Order-takers who patiently listen to your order and then say, “Could you repeat that?” Uh, weren’t you supposed to be listening the first time?

-- Customers who place humongous orders from the drive-through, like 30 tacos, jamming up the line behind them.

-- Employees who mysteriously vacate the order window for looong stretches of time. Can’t somebody else find the new box of cups inside?

-- Customers who stop ahead of the intercom to study the menu for four or five minutes. Jeez, it’s a burger barn or a taco town. It ain’t that complicated. Just pull up and place your order.

-- Employees who say, “Sorry, we’re out of iced tea.” Hey, this is Southeast Texas. You’re not supposed to run out of tea!

Those are my gripes about Fast Food Nation; what are yours?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Labor strife

Good thing I majored in English at the ivy-covered institution I attended. (Or was that kudzu?) ’Cause I know all about irony.

And in Washington the other day, the irony was so thick you could spread it with a butter knife.

You see, several dozen employees of the Service Employees International Union were picketing their own union headquarters over its decision to lay off about 75 workers.

In fact, the Union of Union Representatives (there’s a title to remember) which represents organizers and field staff, filed charges of unfair labor practices and age/race discrimination against the union.

And what does the heartless “boss man” have to say about all this?

According to the AP, “SEIU spokeswoman Michelle Ringuette calls the complaints meritless and says the layoffs were made because the union is shifting organizing work away from its national office to local unions.”

A likely story.

I say, “Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your deferred pension plans and your floating holidays! And your 401(k) isn't looking too perky either!”

Sigh; can’t we all get along?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Port Acres/Green Acres

Who would’ve thunk it: cockfighting in Port Acres.

That’s exactly what was exposed Thursday when police raided a house on 60th Street.

This is a stunner. Or at least it is unless you were one of the “in” crowd who knew about the rooster rasslin’ all along.

Cockfighting is supposed to take place in sleepy rural areas, like deep East Texas or the swamps of Louisiana.

Granted, Port Acres isn’t exactly downtown Manhattan. But it does have lots of people, which is what cockfighters don’t want.

You see, more people means more potential calls to police. And since cockfighting is illegal and all that, a little discretion is preferred.

Another thing: The police raid occurred at 11 a.m. Whoever heard of a cockfight in the morning? Don’t the International Rules of Cockfighting require late afternoon starts at the earliest, and preferably anytime after the sun goes down?

I just hope the fine people of Port Acres can recover from this embarrassment. Good thing the cops didn’t notice the meth lab next door.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Rich (rhymes with rich) II

Just as you expected, there’s more to the story about the Swedish countess who says she can’t get by on the $43 million promised to her in a pre-nup by her wealthy (and elderly) husband (soon to be ex-husband).

As one of my previous blogs captured so, uh, brilliantly, Marie Douglas-David, 36, wants more of the loot amassed by hubbie George David, 67.

Now she’s put a number on “more” — $99 million.

Why so much? Well, Marie says that because they talked about his work, that makes her sort of a business partner and not just a trophy wife/bimbo.

I dunno. Many of her “business” discussions with the breadwinner were not overly technical, such as:

“Georgie, I think we should invest in snow. There’s a lot of it this winter.”

“Is a business ‘merger’ like when two people get it on?”

“The tax laws are unfair; we can’t write off the diamond collar for my poodle!”

“Why don’t poor people have more money?”

… We’ll let the courts sort it out. When it’s over, they’ll both probably be wealthy — and so will their lawyers.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

If it wasn't for bad luck ...

So are we supposed to feel sorry for Tsutomu Yamaguchi … or envy him?

Tsutomu, as you may or may not know, has the dubious distinction of being the only person in history to have survived both atomic bomb attacks.

Incredibly, tough-luck Tsutomu happened to be in Hiroshima on Aug. 6, 1945 on a business trip. Bad timing. That was the day the Enola Gay flew overhead.

Tsutomu was severely burned on the upper half of his body and spent the night in the city — or what was left of it.

Then he returned to his hometown — Nagasaki — just in time to get nuked again!

Holy cow! Isn’t that like rushing to get the last ticket on the Titanic or trying to buy the last share of Enron stock?

But even though he was microwaved twice, Tsutomu’s still ticking. In fact, he’s 93, an age that lots of non-nuked folks never achieve.

So there it is: He’s been through hell — twice — but he’s still here.

What a guy. Just don’t ask him the secret of his old age.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Eight is enough

Watch out, Octomom. If you’re not careful, people are going to start thinking you’re greedy, paranoid and pretty much a horrible mother. Oh, that’s right; people already think that.

Octomom, full name Nadya Suleman, is in the news again. It comes with the territory when you give birth to eight kids even though you already have a half-dozen back home — with no dad or job in the picture.

In her latest bout of selfish, irrational behavior, Nasty Nadya fired a nonprofit group of nurses that helped care for her small army of children. She felt they were spying on her and reporting her to child welfare officials. (Gosh, why would they do something like that?)

The group, Angels in Waiting, had been training nannies who would care for the Octo-offspring. So now the kids are back to being dependent, sort of, on Mommy Dearest and whatever crazy scheme she can cook up with next.

That’s not what you’d call a confidence-builder, but then again that’s not Octomom’s strong point. (Having babies is, I guess.)

If you’re already tired of reading about Octomom, that’s understandable. But she’s going to be in the news for the next decade or two whether we like it or not.

It could be worse; you could be one of her 14-and-counting kids. If these youngsters can survive her upbringing and come out remotely normal after 18 years, it will be a small miracle.

The odds are long, but miracles have been known to happen. Pray for this one.

Friday, March 20, 2009

China syndrome

Sometimes diplomats beat around the bush. Not the ones in China.

They lay it on the line and don’t care who gets cheesed off. Here’s an example of the Asian version of the Straight Talk Express, from no less than Foreign Ministry spokesman Qin Gang:

“At present, the situation on the Korean peninsula is rather complicated, with an increasing number of uncertain factors. We express concern over this.”

Holy s**t! When was the last time you heard such blunt, no-holds-barred talk from a diplomat!

And if that wasn’t enough, ol’ Qin followed up with this bombshell:

“We believe maintaining peace and stability on the Korean Peninsula and in Northeast Asia is in the common interest of the relevant parties.”

Wow! Talk about calling ’em like you see ’em!

Let that be a lesson, college kids. Don’t go into diplomacy unless you’re prepared to live on the edge!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Rich (rhymes with rich)

This darned recession is hitting everyone. Even Marie Douglas-David.

She’s the soon-to-be-former-wife of ex-United Technologies Corp. chief executive George David, who’s worth an estimated $329 million.

Sadly, the match made in heaven has come down to earth. It's Splitsville.

Maybe the age difference had something to do with it. He’s 67. She’s 36.

Can you say “gold digger?”

Anyhoo, the little lady wants a little something to help her get by.

She did sign a pre-nup in 2005 that guarantees her $43 million, but she says that’s not enough.

Says her weekly expenses are $53,000. Weekly.

Gee whiz, Marie, can’t ya cut some corners?

For example:

-- Stop having fresh shrimp flown in from France each morning.

-- Take the solid gold dishes to the pawn shop and see what you can get. (Don't haggle.)

-- Contrary to what your friends at the club say, you do not need a different Rolls for each day of the week.

-- Ditto for the mansions. Cut down to five or six houses scattered across the globe and stick a “for sale” sign on the front lawn of the others.

-- Set a firm budget for your next trip to Aspen — say, $750,000 — and stick to it!

I could go on, but then I’d be a financial consultant and I’d have to charge an hourly rate. I don’t think she wants another bill.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Big Blue

Maybe Chris D. Parent can live his dream after all.

All he wants to do is serve the good people of Bellevue, Neb., as a police officer. Now, thanks to the Nebraska Court of Appeals, he can. His firing has been overturned.

Chris didn’t take a bribe or cuff around a crook. All he did was eat. A lot.

His 2005 Nebraska driver’s license listed him at 5’9” and 300 pounds.

That's a lot of beef to pack on a short frame. I’ve seen refrigerators and fireplugs with slimmer profiles.

Chris was canned in 2007 for failing to maintaining a “high level of physical, mental and emotional conditioning.” Duh.

Actually, there are some advantages to having a police officer who’s, well, big-boned:

-- He can be his own partner for patrol duty.

-- He could take a bullet or two in a gunfight and stay on his feet.

-- When a hostage situation demands a human shield, he’s perfect.

-- Ditto for when a hostage situation demands a battering ram.

-- If a suspect resists arrest, he could just sit on him.

… Anyway, if you ever pass through Bellevue, say hello to Chris.

You can probably find him in a donut shop.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Crime does pay

It’s happened again — a criminal who is especially annoying because of laziness or stupidity.

In the latest affront to common decency, a man robbed a bank in the South Texas town of Pharr … from his car!

That’s right, my friends. This yo-yo knocked off the Lone Star National Bank from the drive-through lane!

Good Lord, is nothing sacred? Have our criminals become so lazy that they can’t even get up to get the goods?

Back in the old days, it wasn’t like this. Bank robbers walked into banks on their own two legs, stuck a Saturday Night Special into some poor teller’s face and snarled, “Gimme all your money.”

And when said transaction was completed, they walked out under their own power too! Some even broke into a brisk run after exiting the bank, especially when pursued by other men with guns.

And what kind of a pinhead teller cooperates with a robber in the drive-through lane?

Gee, whiz! Please tell me she didn’t say, “By the way, sir, we have a special gift for first-time customers. Would you like a set of steak knives or the waterproof flashlight?”

Aaarrrggghhh!!!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Gee, AIG

Top 10 excuses by AIG executives to defend their $165 million in bonuses after taking billions in federal bailout money:

10) Hey, why not? All the other CEOs are cashing in.

9) Have you priced a Rolls lately or a skiing trip to Gstaad? Those things ain’t cheap, buddy.

8) Because we want to accumulate a vast pool of wealth to create a foundation to help needy people across the globe after we retire.

7) The poor and desperate are inspired when they see us flaunting our wealth. No, really, they are!

6) By remaining in high tax bracket, we provide employment for many chauffeurs, personal chefs, dog walkers, etc.

5) Gee, whiz. The latest bailout was $787 billion. Our take is a teensy fraction of that.

4) Because AIG really stands for Always Instigate Greed.

3) Hell, do we need an excuse?

2) The bonuses give us an incentive to remain in our jobs and keep raking in the big bucks. Hey, stop laughing, I was serious!

1) Because we are secretly amoral pigs who don’t care about other people. (OK, it wasn’t much of a secret.)

Friday, March 13, 2009

Hurry up and wait

Remember the story a while back about the Romanians who rebuilt a bridge in their village because the government wouldn’t do it? (And got in trouble for it.)

I think this dangerous trend of self-reliance is moving to this country.

In Beckley, W.Va., a mysterious repairman fixed a traffic light that had been broken since before Christmas.

That was many weeks ago, but city workers said they didn’t have the know-how and needed more time to order special parts.

Apparently some taxpayer didn’t get the memo that it couldn’t be done.

He went ahead and fixed the light, even though state highway workers were within a few days of finally showing up and tackling the job.

If I’m in government, I want to nip this in the bud.

The last thing I want is people doing something for themselves when they could wait for a public servant (or two) to do it for them.

I’m tellin’ you: First you let them do for themselves, and next they’re going to think for themselves.

No sirree, Bob. Take a number, fill out this form and wait over there.

That’s what built this country, isn’t it?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's a family tradition

The concept of family is just breaking down in post-modern America. I can’t remember the last time I saw three generations of one clan doing something together.

Thank God a few people still hold on to the traditional values that made this country great.

Like three unnamed Utah residents — ages 49, 31 and 14 — a grandpa, a dad and a grandson.

This trio was united by love and mutual respect. And the desire for some easy cash.

Police say they teamed up to burglarize a car.

“The suspects had broken out a window in the car and stole a purse, checkbook, credit cards and other valuables from the car,” a police lieutenant said.

Worse yet, loot from other burglaries was recovered from the family’s car.

Oh, well, maybe the judge can sentence them all to the same jail.

After all, you hate to break up a family.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dreary drunk drivers (deuce)

Once again, we are motivated — no, make that compelled! — to blog on the subject of dreary drunk drivers.

Yesterday’s masterpiece mentioned a moron who tried to drive home in a car with only 3 tires. (Hint to all drunks: That’s one shy of a full load.)

Today the world was stunned to learn that a drunk driver in Easton, Pa., defended his little misadventure … because he’s a separate country.

Not IN a separate country. Scott Witmer is claiming that the state has no legal jurisdiction over him because he has sovereign status.

“I live inside myself, not in Pennsylvania,” he claimed (between hiccups).

Scottie, Scottie: First, lay off the vodka before 9 a.m. Second, you can’t be your own country because, well, you’re a person, not a country.

However, if there was a country called Drunkovia …

-- St. Patrick’s Day would be a national holiday whether you were Irish or not.

-- The attorney general would be called the National Bail Bondsman.

-- The Department of Tourism would be devoted to pub crawls.

-- The New Year’s Eve holiday would start at midnight on Dec. 25.

-- The Official National Drink would be … anything you could get your hands on!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dreary drunk drivers

What’s the matter with drunk drivers these days? Haven’t they read the book, “You know you’re too drunk to drive when … ”

Obviously, lots of drunk drivers have missed this important reference work in their self-education.

Like the guy in Largo, Fla., who tried to drive home in a car with only three tires.

Not surprisingly, the AP reported, “the man displayed uneven balance and had bloodshot eyes. A Breathalyzer test he took registered a 0.2 blood alcohol level.”

Duh!

So for all the lushes out there who don’t know when to ask for a designated driver, here are some more tips to help you figure out when you’re too drunk to drive:

-- When the night light you’re trying to turn off is a state trooper’s flashlight.

-- When you see a sign reading “Welcome to California” and you live in another time zone.

-- When you wonder why you can’t get the top down on your convertible … and realize you’re on a motorcycle.

… Puh-lease! Don’t drink ’n’ drive!

If you’re gonna anyway, at least have the decency to wrap your car around the first telephone pole you see so the rest of us don’t have to deal with you.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Have a nice day, moron

Finally, some bureaucrats with sensitivity.

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is spending $173,000 to teach 4,000 clerks in state-run liquor stores how to be more friendly.

It’s about time. Nothing irritates me more than walking into a state-run liquor stored and getting dissed by the help.

I feel like yelling out, “Hey, pal, I pay your salary!”

According to the AP, “The board says it wants to make sure clerks are saying ‘hello,’ ‘thank you’ and ‘come again’ to customers shopping for wine and spirits.”

That’s a good start. I would also urge them NOT to say things like:

-- “The champagne is on Aisle 3, but you don’t look like you could afford it.”

-- “Look, all I know is that white wine goes with fish and red wine goes with beef. I don’t know what goes with Spam.”

-- “Yes, we have Lite Beer, but from the size of your gut, I don’t think it’s doing much good.”

-- “You want something to impress the lady? How about clothes that didn’t come from Goodwill.”

Friday, March 06, 2009

School daze

I’m a soft touch. If I’d seen the sign, I probably would have made a donation.

What sign? The marquee outside Carver Elementary School in Yuma, Ariz.

The school has run out of money, and teachers are turning in district-supplied cell phones and personally buying supplies for their classrooms.

So the message on the marquee from the principal was simple:

“No money — please donate supplies.”

And it worked, too. Folks driving by have chipped in $700 so far.

Nice idea. Personally, I think it would have been even more successful if the marquee had read:

“Pleze asist da edukashun of yur kidz by givin’ us sum dollerz.”

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Iowa again

I know. You’re saying, “What, another blog about Iowa? That’s all the blogosphere is filled with these days.”

You’re right, but doggone it, those Iowans won’t let the rest of us alone. Day after day, there are forcing their Iowan ways and woes upon the other 49 states.

The latest example: Buried deep within the bowels of a $410 billion bill threading its way through Congress is a $1.7 million earmark to study why pig manure stinks.

I’m not sh***ng you. Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa, carved out this piece of pork as smoothly as a pig rancher pours feed into a trough.

Specifically, the earmark will fund a study into what hogs eat and why their s**t stinks.

Hey, Harkin! Hogs will eat just about anything put in front of them! And their s**t stinks because it’s s**t!

What else can you expect from a state with 3 million people and 20 million hogs?

I’ve got half a mind to cross Cedar Rapids off my list of potential summer vacation sites.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Iow-age

Folks in Iowa are pretty straightforward. If you want hype and hoopla, well, go to some wild place like Minnesota. (Those party animals regularly stay up past the 10 p.m. newscast.)

So when it came time to change the name of the Iowa’s Department of Elder Affairs, the Legislature didn’t fool around.

Indeed; “Elder Affairs” needed to be plowed under. It was clunky and unIowan. Gosh, that’s like calling the PTA the Department of Childish Affairs.

Anyhow, the new moniker chosen for the agency was the very logical “Department of Aging.”

Until someone checked the initials.

DOA is not exactly an acronym you want to be tossing around people who lived through the Depression. (The first one, not this one.)

Can you imagine some bureaucrat stamping “DOA” in 3-inch-high letters on some senior citizen’s paperwork right in front of him? Not cool.

So the tension is mounting. The Legislature has approved the bill. It’s going to the governor. Lawmakers on both sides of the debate are weighing in.

Whatever the outcome, folks in Iowa can’t remember this much excitement since the spring thaw was two weeks late.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Mall wars

Those Kiwis are on to something.

In man’s endless quest to rid malls of punks, mall officials in Christchurch, New Zealand, have come up with a nifty weapon.

Barry Manilow.

They simply pipe his velvety tunes through the outdoor mall, and the soothing sounds either mellow out the young hoodlums, or better yet, drive them away.

Sure, that’s a drastic step to take. But the thugs were taking over public territory.

According to the AP, “A group of several dozen young people regularly spread rubbish, spray graffiti, get intoxicated, use drugs, swear and intimidate patrons. … ”

That’ll teach ’em.

The only downside I can see is that fleeing mall teens could rush out into traffic and suffer unpleasant consequences, but it’s hard to conduct any war without a little collateral damage.

They are expendable.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Squared off

Look, I’m a tolerant guy. Live and let live, and all that.

But if you’re going to celebrate National Square Root Day on Tuesday, you might wanna keep it quiet. Your friends and neighbors might get the idea that you are some kind of massive nerd.

Tuesday, of course, is written numerically as 3/3/09. And since 3 times 3 equals 9, we’re talking one of those calendrical coincidences that comes along only now and then. (Thank God.)

Personally, I could go through all 24 hours of National Square Root Day without raising my pulse. But to numbers junkies, this is one of the most exciting days since, oh, Sept. 9, 1999. (9/9/99, if you must ask.)

For example, Ron Gordon, a teacher in Redwood City, Calif., started a contest to get people excited about Tuesday’s, uh, happening.

“These days are like calendar comets, you wait and wait and wait for them, then they brighten up your day — and poof — they’re gone,” he gushed.

Please, Ron, settle down, willya? Is he the kind of guy who has a panic attack when he sees a broken clock?

Ron, by the way, is offering a prize of $339 for the niftiest Square Root Day event. (This is one contest I won’t win.)

Actually, if we can get through the drama of National Square Root Day, we won’t have to confront this nonsense again until April 4, 2016. (4/4/16)

Wake me when it’s over.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Blind justice

We’ve all heard about the slower pace of life in the South, but this is ridiculous.

In Tennessee, the Carter County Sheriff’s Department is trying to serve an 80-year-old warrant for the arrest of a man who wrote a $30 bad check.

These lawmen don’t even know if a certain J.A. Rowland is still alive.

If he is, he’d better have some pocket change. Not only does he still owe $30 for the bad check, on top of that you can add $2 for the arrest fee and 50 cents each for the affidavit and warrant.

Man, they weren’t kidding when they said crime didn’t pay.

And why go through all this nonsense?

Well, clerks in a Georgia sheriff’s office found the warrant buried in a records storage room while cleaning it out.

So they mailed it to Carter County, Tenn., where the sheriff says he is still legally obligated to find the perp and haul him in.

OK, sheriff, if that’s the case, here’s a tip:

Try the cemetery.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

You can never be too careful

A law designed to keep al Qaida sleeper agents from infiltrating U.S. ports is having some unintended consequences.

As in, does it apply to mule drivers at a historical park in Pennsylvania?

Seems that the employees who operate a boat pulled by mules at the National Canal Museum in Easton, Pa., have been told they need something called “Transportation Worker Identification Credentials.”

Just like port workers, even though the only weapon of destruction they get near is a mule’s hoof.

To normal taxpayers, this smells like a fresh load of mule muffins.

The congressman representing this tourist trap, er, quaint reminder of our cherished history, has asked the Department of Homeland Security for a ruling. The head honcho, Janet Napolitano, said she’ll check it out and get back with him.

Let’s hope for good news. And let’s hope the feds don’t want a background check on the mules.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Checkmate

A Bulgarian grandmaster has broken the world record for the highest number of chess games played at one time.

The AP says, “Kiril Georgiev played a total of 360 games simultaneously, winning 284, drawing 70 and losing six, during a marathon that lasted 14 hours and 8 minutes.”

Afterward, most people reacted by saying, “Uh, why?”

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

To catch a thief

Good grief, what is this country coming to?

You read something and you just shake your head in shame and disgust.

Like the story about the 75-year-old man in Stuart, Fla., who was robbed of his new laptop computer and printer while coming out of a Best Buy.

I know what you’re thinking: The poor old guy was just trying to learn about this newfangled Internet. Then some young punk — age 29, in this case — comes along and rips him off, not even caring that he probably used his Social Security check to buy the stuff.

No, my friends, that is not what disgusts me about this story.

What really ticks me off is … the old fella chased down the young hoodlum and held him until cops could arrive!

The pinhead couldn’t even outrun a geezer more than twice his age! Or struggle away from him once he was nabbed! And — oh, the humanity — he made it only 8 feet before grandpa collared him!

Folks, we are in serious trouble when young criminals are in such bad shape that they can’t even take down senior citizens.

What is the future of crime in this country if the next generation of lawbreakers is so fat and lazy that they can’t commit the most basic offenses?

Will purse-snatchings become a thing of the past? Will gang-bangers be forced to hold signs at intersections reading, “Will rob for food … if it’s not too hard.” Will exciting chase scenes disappear from our movies because the criminal community can’t uphold its end of the bargain — i.e., the fleeing part?

… Please, Lord, take me before it comes to pass.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Pirate problems

I don’t know what you do if you are the manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Unlike that city’s hockey and football teams, which have enjoyed tremendous success, the Pirates stink.

They haven’t had a winning season in forever. They go through managers, coaches and players like Obama goes through Cabinet nominees.

And it’s hard to blame the revolving door of managers, coaches and players. They’re mired in a culture of losing, and it never seems to end. A good year is finishing next-to-last, not last.

But check out what the Pirates G.M. said of first-year manager John Russell, whose contract was renewed for a second year.

“J.R. met or exceeded expectations in his first year as the Pirates manager.”

Huh? The Pirates were 67-95. You can’t get much worse as a major league team. And this “met or exceeded expectations”?

Those expectations must have been lower than whale poop in the Mariana Trench.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Public/private sectors

People often stop me and ask, “What is the difference between business and government?”

I usually say something like, “Business has to make a profit to survive so it must be efficient and responsive. Government is not bothered by such quaint notions.”

I think that’s a good answer, but the next time I am asked this question, I will tell my truth-seeker about the County Clerk in El Paso County, Colorado.

This public "servant" had to lay off 19 employees last year, and he wasn’t happy about it. So Bob Balink has figured out a way to show his displeasure.

He has instructed his remaining staff to simply stop answering the telephones.

If some stupid taxpayer wants to bother them, they can try to find what they need on the office’s Web site. Or they can come down in person. Or they can listen to the recorded message on the phone, which directs them to the county assessor or treasurer.

… Yes, I think that’s a better way to explain the difference between business and government.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Welcome to the new economy

OK, the stock market is down a little.

OK, the stock market is down a lot.

Today, the Dow Jones industrial average closed at … 6.

Seriously, it was a bit higher, but not much — 7,465, the lowest finish since October 2002.

As you look at your ruined portfolio, your worthless 401(K) and your nightmarish retirement, you’re probably wondering what to do.

Well, this is your lucky day. Generally, I don’t give out stock tips, but here are three sure-fire investment opportunities that will put you in the black again:

-- Hides R Us. Clothing will soon be unaffordable in the new Depression, but this trendy startup offers low-maintenance animal pelts that are almost as good, if you don’t mind the smell.

-- IndenturedServants.com. This is the perfect opportunity for someone down on his luck. Simply sign on the dotted line, and after seven years of backbreaking labor you’ll have a few coins rattling around in your pocket again.

-- Contract Kills Inc. Even in hard times, hatred never goes out of style. Somebody always wants somebody else killed, but lacks the guts or guns to do the job. That’s where you come in. For a small fee, CKI puts you in contact with the customer, and you do the rest.
(Legal representation not included in case something goes wrong.)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Blago-Burris blathering

The Associated Press wrote:
“An increasingly embattled Sen. Roland Burris said he ‘welcomes’ the opportunity to answer renewed questions from authorities and elected officials about how he landed a coveted Senate appointment from ousted Gov. Rod Blagojevich.”

I wrote:
Burris also “sharply disagreed” with a colleague who said a peanut butter sandwich would make a better senator.

Blago later insisted that the growing scandal “does not prove I was the lousiest leader since Caligula.”

Burris went on to say that “not every Chicago politician is crooked. … Just most of ’em.”

Blago also swore that he would be vindicated by a jury of his peers “assuming my lawyer can get 12 dirtbags seated.”

… For more developments on the Blago-Burris moronathon, please stayed tuned to any media outlet because something seems to happen with distressing regularity.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Two steps forward, one step back

Muzzammil Hassan could have made a difference. He was that rarity in American media, a Muslim television executive.

Hassan launched Bridges TV network in 2004. He wanted to show that not all Muslims were terrorists after the 9-11 attacks.

Fair enough. Muslims shouldn’t be defined by the actions of a few haters, just as Christians shouldn’t be defined by the horrors of the Inquisition.

Unfortunately, whatever good work Hassan did to promote moderation and tolerance has now been, uh, overshadowed.

Police say he beheaded his wife in their upstate New York home after she filed for divorce.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Nailed

A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s longest fingernails has lost them in a car crash

Lee Redmond was ejected from an SUV in the crash earlier this week and taken to a hospital in serious condition.

She is expected to survive, but her nails did not. They had not been cut since 1979.

Collectively -- and incredibly -- her nails measured a total of more than 28 feet — and that was in 2008. The longest single nail was the one on her right thumb — 2 feet 11 inches.

… Weird. Very, very, very weird.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Brett, yet again

“I’ve given everything I’ve got. I have nothing left to give.”

-- Brett Favre, on March 6, 2008, announcing his retirement from the Green Bay Packers.

“He felt he had given us everything he had.”

-- N.Y. Jets general manager Mike Tannenbaum on Feb. 11, 2009, announcing Favre’s retirement from the Jets.

… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that Brett’s Favre’s retirement is the gift that keeps on giving.

Next year, Broncos or Rams.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

And that's no bull

I’ll try anything once — except a new soft drink made from cow urine.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what a Hindu group in India plans to sell.

“It won’t be like carbonated drinks and would be devoid of any toxins,” claimed an official with the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, India’s oldest Hindu nationalist group.

Sorry, but I just don’t think this boat will float.

Granted, the name is kind of exotic and catchy — “gau jal.” But then you find out that it translates to “cow water” and you quickly lose your enthusiasm.

There are many reasons why a new soft drink made from cow urine will not succeed, and I’ve identified the three main ones:

1) After a brisk game of tennis or golf, an ice cold Pepsi can be refreshing. After a brisk game of tennis or golf, a bottle of cow urine would be disgusting.

2) Many alcoholic drinks can be combined with soft drinks, such as your basic rum and Coke. I don’t think anyone will ever wander into a bar and say, “Gimme some vodka, will ya? And splash in some cow urine too.”

3) Some people like to drink a Dr Pepper or Sprite with their meal. If you try to wash down your burger with a foaming glass of treated cow piss, you’re probably going to retch within seconds.

… But I could be wrong. I never thought barbecued potato chips would take off.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

TV victory

Is this a great world or what?

A man from Sri Lanka living in Canada but visiting Sweden has broken his own world record for nonstop broadcast-television watching.

Suresh Joachim racked up 72 hours in his moronathon, smashing his previous record of 69 hours and 48 minutes set in 2005.

Afterward, the champ had no complaints, saying: “I feel fine. I drank between 25 and 30 cups of coffee.”

Many questions come to mind:

-- Why did Joachim do this in Sweden? That’s an awfully long way to go to set a world record that could be accomplished by sitting anywhere.

-- Why did the AP report call this the world record for “broadcast-television watching.” What about cable? Or movies on DVDs? Do they have separate world records?

-- If he drank 25-30 cups of coffee, he wasn’t watching TV the whole time. Since he spent more than a few minutes in the restroom, should he be credited with a full 72 hours?

Whatever. At least we know that despite your physical limitations, your intelligence or your desire to actually do something, you too can brag to your friends about being in the Guinness Book of World Records.

If you have any friends, that is.

Monday, February 09, 2009

This is your captain speaking

I don’t know much about the U.S. Navy, but I have heard this: If a captain lets his ship run aground — for whatever reason — he is relieved of his command.

I think it’s true, because it just happened to Capt. John Carroll, the commanding officer of the USS Port Royal, a $1 billion warship that ran aground along the coast of Honolulu last week. (Make that former commanding officer.)

Someone who knew a little bit about the Navy once explained it to me like this:

The Navy’s reasoning is that as a highly skilled captain, you should not let this happen. You should make sure that the officers under your command don’t let it happen. You should do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t happen.

And if it does happen, your career is over. No excuses, no second chances, no appeals.

And if you know that this is what will happen to you, you make sure it doesn’t happen. If you let it happen anyway, well, you get a head start on retirement.

That’s tough.

It’s also probably the only way the military can function.

It’s also a pity that concept of responsibility and accountability isn’t more common on the civilian side.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Stinky suit

Wow; talk about egg on your face — and crap in the can!

A British university has apologized to a Ph.D. student for accidentally throwing away his seven-year collection of lizard poop.

That was not a misprint. Doctoral candidate Daniel Bennett had been painstakingly collecting lizard droppings in the Philippines. (For the good of science, or something.) And not just any lizard, but the rare butaan lizard, which is a relative of the Komodo dragon. (But you knew that.)

Unfortunately, his 77-pound bag of the special s**t was tossed by cleaners at his lab at Leeds University.

He said the crap caper “left me reeling.” (The smell would do that to me.)

And these days, you don’t take an insult like that lying down. Even though the university offered him compensation of 500 pounds (that’s English money, not more poop) Bennett scoffed and said he would see them in court.

Frankly, I don’t know what the university can do at this point to head off a big judgment. They don’t make Hallmark cards for this kind of faux pas, so I would send Danno a note that reads:

“Dear Dan.

“Hey, stuff happens! It was only s**t. There’s more where that came from.

“How about if we give you an office with a window and call it even?

“Please reply at your earliest convenience. … And wash your hands before you sign the letter, OK?”

Stay tuned, but not too diligently.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Tax triumph II

The White House press office released the following official clarification today of its official statement yesterday. (See posting below.)

“President Barack Obama will not be issuing a retraction of yesterday’s official statement. It is still technically true that an entire day went by without an embarrassing revelation that one of his top appointees was a tax deadbeat.

“The president asks all fair-minded Americans to note that it was not Hilda Solis, his nominee to be Labor secretary, who had an annoying problem with back taxes. It was her husband, who had to cough up $6,400 to settle tax liens on his auto repair business, some of which had outstanding as long as 16 years.

“I mean, it’s not like they were related or lived together or anything. … OK, technically, that’s not true. But again, it was her husband, the other person who filed joint income tax returns with her, not her.

“Therefore, the president believes he has indeed gone an entire day without this particular problem. He wishes his critics would stop harping on an issue that the American people want to move beyond.

“Oh, and one more thing. Labor secretary nominee Hilda Solis does not yet believe she has become a ‘distraction’ for the new administration, if you catch my drift.

“Thank you and good day.”

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Tax triumph

The White House press office released the following statement today:

“Greetings. President Obama and his entire administration would like to state that they are extremely pleased that none of his appointees were discovered to have tax problems today.

“This achievement means that the president will not have to say he ‘absolutely’ stands behind a troubled nominee who has one foot out the door. It will not force the president to respond to those annoying questions about why he is producing business-as-usual instead of change.

“We are fully confident that another couple of days will roll by without any more of these embarrassing disclosures. Heck, if we string together a few more of these babies, we’re talking a week-long streak.

“We hope the American people will continue to support this administration and all the hard work we are doing to undo the catastrophic policies of the past eight years. … And if anyone knows a good tax attorney who can work discreetly with high-profile clients, please give us a call.

“Thank you and good day.”

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Distractions

Barack Obama has been president for less than a month, but I think he already has his first Medal of Freedom recipients:

Nancy Killefer and Tom Daschle.

Why, you may ask? Well, gee whiz, it’s because of their incredible selflessness.

Killefer withdrew her nomination to be the first chief performance officer for the federal government because she had “come to realize in the current environment that my personal tax issue of D.C. unemployment tax could be used to create exactly the kind of distraction and delay” that could undermine the new administration.

Ditto for Daschle.

He too bailed out as secretary of Health and Human Services because he didn’t want to “be a distraction” from the new president’s drive for health care reform.

Did you catch that, taxpayers? They were willing to fall on their swords because they didn’t want to become a distraction for the new president — not because they were exposed as tax deadbeats and hypocrites.

What noble public servants. I am too choked up to continue. After my sobs have subsided, I intend to write a letter to the president asking him to name a mountain in their honor or declare their birthdays national holidays.

If I don’t get distracted.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Don't mess with Texas

To: Kwame Kilpatrick, former mayor of Detroit

Re: Your possible plans to relocate in Texas

Congratulations, Kwame. You have successfully completed your 120-day sentence for corruption (and extreme stupidity). You will soon be a free man. In fact, you got out early for good behavior.

I hope you’ve learned a lesson and will turn your life around. But if you’re headed for Texas, please turn around. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to learn you are probably coming to the Lone Star State for a job interview, details unknown.

Kwame, we have enough problems down here, not to mention enough shady politicians. One more is one more too many.

If you carpetbag down here, nutty Rod Blagojevich could follow. Then former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig might get ideas. (Ick!)

You catch my drift? Pretty soon, we could be knee-deep in rehabilitation projects.

Please stay up north and bless folks up there with your, uh, presence.

If you absolutely must start fresh somewhere, consider a place with lower standards, like Las Vegas. You’d fit in better, and you wouldn’t have to wear cowboy boots or eat enchiladas.

Good luck, and don’t stay in touch.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Super Bowl prediction

By now you’ve read it all. Instead of rehashing all that jazz, let’s boil it down to this:

It’s Cardinal offense vs. Steeler defense.

A chronically dysfunctional franchise against one of the best-run outfits in sports.

A gritty steel town vs. a Sunbelt retirement center.

On paper, the Steelers are a better team. But better teams don’t always win.

The Cardinals will win because of momentum, intangibles and Kurt Warner.

33-27. You read it here first.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Movin' on

It’s official: We’re all in the wrong place.

A new survey by the Pew Center revealed that almost half of all Americans would like to live somewhere else in America.

A majority of city dwellers would like to live in suburbs, small towns or the country.

Detroit, Cleveland and Cincinnati got the fewest votes as big cities where people wanted to live. (No surprise there with Motown and The Mistake By The Lake, but Cincinnati?)

In none of the big cities included in the survey did a majority of their residents actually want to live there.

Despite all this dissatisfaction and restlessness, eight of 10 people surveyed rated the place they live as excellent.

Even though a big chunk of them want to get out of Dodge.

… I think we’ve all learned a lesson here: Most surveys don’t make sense.

FEEDBACK: Where do you want to live?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Gimme an 'L' (your honor)

So it’s come to this: Cheerleading has now been defined as a “contact sport.”

That’s right, sideline gawkers. And as usual, there’s a lawsuit behind all this.

A cheerleader in Wisconsin was upset at a fellow squad member who didn’t catch her as she fell while doing a stunt. So she did what any red, white and blue American would do these days. She sued her fellow cheerleader and the school district.

Fortunately, the Wisconsin Supreme Court slapped her down on both counts. But it did so by declaring cheerleading, of all things, a contact sport. And under Wisconsin law, that means cheerleaders can be sued only for acting recklessly.

This came as a great surprise to almost everyone who isn’t on the Wisconsin Supreme Court. As a lower court ruled in that very state last year, cheerleading isn’t a contact sport because, well, because it contains no actual contact between players on opposing teams, as in real contact sports like football and hockey. (And office Christmas parties.)

There you have it: Cheerleading stunts are getting more complex and dangerous, and cheerleading injuries are soaring. So are cheerleader lawsuits.

I guess it would be too much to suggest dialing back a bit and being safe.

TWO BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS, A DOLLAR
ALL FOR AN INCREASINGLY LITIGIOUS SOCIETY,
STAND UP AND HOLLER!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Who wants to be a millionaire?

It must be tough being rich.

You have the constant headaches about where to invest your loot. You have the never-ending problem of where to find good help. You have endless pleas from politicians for donations. And have you tried to find a good Mercedes mechanic lately?

And now this annoying recession is making things even worse.

Suddenly, you can’t flaunt your money, or even let the lower classes know you’re set for life.

There’s even a name for the new syndrome: luxury shame.

“There’s a sense of there being a gaucheness in spending in excess and coming home with a Louis Vuitton or Chanel bag,” said Lucyann Barry, a personal shopper and stylist for the upper crust.

Some snooty shops are being asked to put the goodies in a plain white bag. Others even have to ship the swag to your mansion so you can walk out of the boutique as if you didn’t buy anything. (As if!)

This is very, very wrong.

People without money still need role models. They need to know that a very few of us can “drop $10,000 on a shopping spree that might bring home a couple of ostrich skin handbags, a pair of shoes and a designer dress.”

When they see the uber-wealthy doing this, and flitting around in limos and private jets, they are inspired to work harder at their lousy jobs.

It gives these losers the hope that some day, they too will spend a grand for a bottle of bubbly or a night in a suite without blinking one of their pretty eyelashes.

They won’t, of course. But as long as they don’t know that, everything keeps running smoothly.

So the next time you see a millionaire, give him a hearty smile and a thumbs-up. He’s doing his part. At least you could be grateful.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Say it ain't so, T.O.

Let’s review: The Dallas Cowboys are the most underachieving team in the NFL.

They were picked to go the Super Bowl, and they didn’t even go to a single playoff game. At least they could have survived into the post-season to lose their first game, as they have in recent years.

Worse for them this year, an uber-achieving team, the Arizona Cardinals, goes in their place.

After the season staggered to an end, owner Jerry Jones and coach Wade Phillips vowed “changes,” details to be announced later. But both hinted they would get back to the basics, focus on responsibility and get more performance out of their highly paid prima donnas.

Is mega-problem Terrell Owens on board with this new approach?

Not exactly. T.O. announced plans to star in his own reality show on VH1 this summer.

His “best friends and publicists — Monique Jackson and Kita Williams — will help him re-examine his personal life. The two will work as ‘matchmakers and therapists’.”

… Yup, I’d say that’s just what the ’Boys need to help them get back on track.

My early prediction for next year’s record: Another 9-7 season, another season of watching the playoffs from the living room couch.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Obama whammy

Hmmm. Just three days after he is inaugurated, Barack Obama, the liberal who relentlessly criticized George Bush for being too hawkish, gives the OK for three — count ’em, three! — missile strikes from an unmanned drone in northern Pakistan along the border with Afghanistan.

At least five terrorists are believed to have woken up in the Afterlife when the dust cleared.

Finally, a flip-flopping politician I can support!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Take Two

It’s already happened — the first major screw-up of the Obama administration. And it happened before there was an Obama administration.

The new president had to take the oath of office a second time because the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court couldn’t get 35 lousy words in the right order.

Instead of asking Obama to say, “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States,” John Roberts blurbled “that I will execute the office of president to the United States faithfully.”

Geez, what a putz. Roberts flubs his only line on a day of supreme importance.

From now until the end of time, instead of watching inspiring film clips of the magic moment, we will see Obama giving Roberts one of those how-could-you-be-so-stupid looks.

So they did it again in the White House Map Room, just to head off Internet crazies who will start claiming that O was never properly sworn in and therefore isn’t really the president, and it’s all part of a giant conspiracy to do something really bad.

So everything is fine, right?

Well … when he did the do-over ... Obama didn’t place his hand on a Bible!

Even though that’s not required by the Constitution, let’s hope the Internet crazies miss it.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Fast food

I hope this new restaurant in Lumberton succeeds. But you won't see me in line at Prima Take-N-Bake Pizza.

Why? Because they don't sell pizza like other pizza joints. They sell you an uncooked pie which you have to take home, put in an oven, wait 20 minutes or so and then eat.

No thanks!

When I buy uncooked food, it's at a grocery store. If I go to a restaurant, the food had better be ready to rock 'n' roll.

When I want fish at a restaurant, I don't want the waiter to hand me a rod and reel and point to the pond out back.

When I want salad, I don't want to be directed to the garden on the side.

When I want chicken, I don't want to go into the hen house, grab one, bring it out, chop its head off, pluck the feathers, etc.

Let's restrict self-service to gas stations.

FEEDBACK: Would you patronize a restaurant like that?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I vant to be alone

While the entire world was fixated on the admittedly historic inauguration of our first black president, other major news was being seriously underreported.

Like the German woman who was missing for 12 years and found to be living in the woods outside the Swiss capital of Bern.

“The 52-year-old woman,” reported the Associated Press, “appeared to be healthy after living in the simple shelter. ... ”

12 years! I don’t even think mega-survival experts like Bear Grylls or Les Stroud could hack that. In Switzerland, a warm day is when you take off the woolen mittens but keep on the parka.

This bombshell creates more questions than a Senate hearing on Wall Street corruption.

What did she eat? How did she survive the cold? How did she fight off the bears and wolves? Where did she go for vacation? … OK, if you’re living in a lean-to in the woods and foraging for grubs, a jaunt to the Caribbean is probably off the list.

The woman seemed rational, authorities say, but “she also spoke of a mission that she had to fulfill.”

What the heck could that be? Getting in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest campout?

Lady, if you want it that bad, you’ve got it!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Barack 'n' roll

Unless your name is Ann Coulter, you have to wish good luck to Barack Obama.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a Dem, a Repub or a Flat Earther. We have only one president at a time. As of noon Tuesday, he is it.

Sure, we have governors and congressmen, but no one has the clout and impact and wow factor of the president. So much depends on him, and this one person can do so much for good or ill.

If President Obama can fix our economy (without mega-deficits), keep the cost of gasoline low (as in below $4 a gallon) help the Big Three survive (without constant handouts) ease away from Iraq (without turning that country into the new Lebanon), ramp up the fight in Afghanistan (without getting bogged down a la Vietnam), his presidency will be a huge success.

And we will all be grateful.

If he blunders, all Americans pay the price as well as millions of people abroad.

It’s like that old saying, “What’s good for General Motors is good for the country.”

(OK, that old saying sounded better before GM became a classic symbol of a failing dinosaur, but you get my point.)

Go, O.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Jerry-isms

Not that it wasn’t deserved, but Dallas Cowboys fans had to be puzzled that owner Jerry Jones fired defensive coordinator Brian Stewart today.

Why the surprise? Well, just a few weeks ago, an exasperated Jones told reporters who were badgering him about whether he would be firing any coaches:

“Look, can y’all not understand statements? The coaching staff is in place. The coaching staff is in place. The building is here. You want to ask the question, ‘What if it blows down?’ ”

Clear as mud, Jerry.

(Wade, keep the ol’ resume up to date.)

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Crude but effective

We all know that police officers shouldn’t break the law.

We all know they should provide a wholesome, uplifting example to the low-lifes -- I mean, socially disadvantaged suspects -- they come across.

Still, deep down inside, isn’t it strangely satisfying to read that:

“Four teenagers say police in a northern Mexican town spray-painted their hair, shoes and buttocks to teach them not to paint graffiti on public property.”

Yeah, yeah, I know. If you let cops spraypaint vandals, well, then, pretty soon something really bad will happen.

True enough. … But I doubt those kids will be into graffiti any more.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Scary headlines

“Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay”

That was the headline splashed all over the Internet on Wednesday.

It was one of those stories you didn’t need to read any further to know that it was bad news.

A loose monkey is one thing — believe me. A feces-throwing monkey? My friend, that is trouble squared.

Here are some other headlines you simply do not want to read in the next few days, or ever:

“Obama to name Blagojevich as Secretary of the Treasury, says nation needs some ‘Chicago Action’ ”

“Super Bowl to be canceled, replaced by International Chess Festival”

“Dow Jones falls into negative territory; stocks now not worth anything”

“Wade Phillips out in Dallas; Jones brings back Switzer for second stint”

“Cruise to star in new Hitler flick, ‘Adolph, the Early Years’ ”

“Gun goes off in Utah restroom, shatters toilet”

(Wait a minute; that last one was real.)

FEEDBACK: What is a scary headline you do NOT want to read?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Cheers and jeers

Sad. That’s the only word that can be used to describe a 34-year-old woman in Wisconsin who tried to impersonate her own daughter and become a high school cheerleader.

(OK, I’ll go with “bizarre” too, the more I think about it.)

That’s right, dear readers. Wendy Brown was committed to a mental hospital for three years after being found not guilty of identity theft because she was, well, loony.

Wendy tried to pass herself off as her 15-year-old daughter, who was living with a relative out of state. She actually enrolled in high school and made it on the cheerleading squad.

Eventually, though, she was found out and told to turn in her pom-poms.

Looking back on it, there were signs that the mature woman was not a teeny-bopper. For example, she was caught saying things like:

“What brand are you using to hide gray hair?”

“Hey, let’s see Van Halen next time they come to town.”

“Did anybody find my mood ring in the locker room?”

and finally:

“Forget about the game clock. I’m worried about my biological clock!”

Friday, January 09, 2009

The eyes have it

The year is young, but I’m pretty sure Andre Thomas wins the Ickiest Story of the Year award.

Andre, of course, would be the Texas Death Row inmate who ripped out his remaining eye (after doing the same to his first) and ate it.

Wow. There are two possibilities here:

1) Andre is insane, as his lawyer claims, and should be spared from execution.

2) Andre is not insane but is reeeaaallly determined to avoid the whole Dead Man Walking thing.

Either way, I think the state’s newest blind man deserves a break here.

Give him a life sentence instead -- and be real careful about letting him have anything sharper than a rubber ball.

And finally, let’s please not have any jokes about prison food.

Yuck. Mega-yuck.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Driving While Idiotic

Drum roll, please:

The first nominee for Stupid Criminal Of the Year is …

Peter Mbugua of Wylie, Texas.

Pete was charged with causing the death of a motorcyclist in a traffic accident in March. Seems that he was exiting Interstate 71-75 in Kentucky when he couldn’t stop at a traffic signal.

That’s pretty bad, but Pinhead Pete was offered a sweet deal. All he had to do was admit to knowingly driving his tractor-trailer truck with defective brakes.

Had he done so, he would have gotten probation. That’s a three-syllable word that means “no time in the slammer.”

For some reason, Pete wouldn’t sign on the dotted line.

So he went to trial.

And got convicted of second-degree manslaughter.

And got eight years in prison.

… Good thing. Anybody that dumb shouldn't be on the road.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Heavier than air

If you think your job is tough, be glad you don’t work for Air India.

Why? Because the Indian national airline just fired nine flight attendants for being overweight.

Apparently, the folks who run Air India are serious about having employees who are lean ’n’ mean. Two years ago, they warned all 1,600 cabin crew workers to get in shape or be demoted to ground jobs.

And that’s not all. The same passion for poundage applies to passengers too. If you’re the slightest bit overweight, you might hear unkind remarks like:

“Good morning, Tubby. Will you be flying first-class, coach or cargo?”

“Please fasten your safety belt — if you can get it around that monstrous gut of yours.”

“Would you like the chicken or beef entrée, or do you want both, you big, fat pig?”

… Kinda makes you miss the good ol’ days of flying the friendly skies.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

More Matt Millen?

Maybe the Super Bowl will be worth watching after all. Why? ’Cause NBC went and hired Matt Millen as an expert commentator for the special event.

Matt who, you may be saying? Well, that would be the same Matt Millen -- former NFL player and TV analyst -- who was GM of the Detroit Lions for the past seven years.

And yes, during Millen’s mismanagement, the Lions went 31-84. That’s one of the worst records in football — in any sport — over that span. This year, of course, Millen’s misfits went 0-16. They’re the first team to lose all 16 games in a season since the NFL went to a 16-game season.

I guess if the Lions could’ve figured out a way to win one lousy game Millen would still be kicking around MoTown promising, “Wait’ll next year.”

Finally, even the lowly Lions had enough, and Matt was canned.

I don’t know what Mediocre Matt should do with the rest of his life, but it should not involve football — much less the mother-of-all football gigs like the Super Bowl.

Hiring Matt Millen as an expert commentator for the Big Bowl is like hiring Bernard Madoff as a financial planner.

Hiring Matt Millen as an expert commentator for the Big Bowl is like hiring Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich as an ethics advisor.

Hiring Matt Millen as an expert commentator for the Big Bowl is like hiring Amy Winehouse as a substance abuse counselor.

… The point I’m trying to make is, MATT MILLEN HAS DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OVER THE PAST SEVEN YEARS TO EARN THIS HIGHLY COVETED SLOT! ... IN FACT, HE IS NOT QUALIFIED TO SELL HOT DOGS AT POP WARNER GAMES OR HOLD A SIDELINE FIRST-DOWN MARKER IN A REC LEAGUE!

Other than that, the game should be interesting.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Blago's blunders (continued)

Now that Monday Night Football is over, America needs some serious entertainment to get through these dark winter months. Thank God we’ll always have Illinois politics.

In the latest episode of this ongoing soap opera, Gov. Rod Blagojevich has gone ahead and appointed someone to replace President-elect Barack Obama in the U.S. Senate. Blago did that even though he’s about to be impeached for trying to auction off Obama’s old seat like it was a rare Picasso.

(Note to Blago: Picasso is not an alderman from Chicago.)

The guy Blago appointed, former Illinois attorney general Roland Burris, wants everyone to act like nothing happened and treat him like a real senator.

Real senators, even Democrats, are less than enthusiastic about that option — because Blago is about to be impeached for trying to auction off Obama’s old seat like it was a rare Picasso.

(Second note to Blago: Picasso is not a reserve outfielder for the Cubs.)

In fact, Burris, who lacks the modesty and restraint that Illinois politicians are known for, said of those reluctant senators, “We are hoping and praying that they will not be able to deny what the Lord has ordained. I am not hesitating. I am now the junior Senator from the state of Illinois.”

Roland, Roland, Roland!

First, you aren’t a senator until you’re sworn in. This isn’t like Chicago politics, when you assume the office when the money changes hands.

Secondly, I was not aware that your ascension to the Senate was “what the Lord has ordained.” There’s always a chance that God wants to do the right thing here, which may or may not involve you.

What a mess. None of this would have happened if Blago hadn’t tried to auction off Obama’s old seat like it was a rare Picasso.

(Third note to Blago: Picasso is not an outside linebacker for the Bears.)

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