The times, they are a-changin’:
The U.S. Army will stop training its recruits how to use bayonets.
Holy chow hall! This is the biggest shift in our military training since G.I.s stopped learning how to say in German or Japanese, “Put down your guns, you filthy sons of pigs; we have you surrounded!”
Generation after generation of draftees and enlisted men have learned how to wield carefully sharpened bayonets with skill and daring. Or at least enough to pass the basic training course, be loaded onto a ship or plane and dumped in a war zone.
No longer will eager recruits charge straw-filled dummies with fixed bayonets yelling “Yaaaaa!” or “Take that, ya lousy Commie!”
Instead, that time will be devoted to debating the benefits of Myspace vs. Facebook and when it is proper to Tweet during firefights.
I s’pose it had to happen. But the banishing of bayonets calls to mind a strange bit of wisdom from the “Humor in Uniform” section in Readers Digest many years ago.
It seems that a grizzled sergeant (aren’t they all?) was instructing his green recruits in the art of bayonet warfare.
Sarge casually mentioned that if you stuck your rifle’s bayonet into, uh, an enemy soldier’s body and it, ahem, didn’t want to come out easily, don't panic.
Simply fire a round from your rifle, and the recoil would help you pull the bayonet out.
One of the young recruits, wise beyond his years, drawled, “Sarge, if I got a round left in the rifle, I ain’t gonna use the bayonet.”
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Bye-bye, bayonets.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Bikers gone wild
Think the recovery is real?
Hah! The recession still rules, as proved by the boom in bicycle-related crimes from criminals who apparently can’t afford cars.
In Beaumont, the cops had to pull over one of these desperadoes last week.
And it was not a piece-of-cake traffic stop. The biker in question was allegedly packin’ drugs and “fought with officers to the point that an officer needs assistance call was put out.”
Wow; that is one tough two-wheeler!
Speaking of which, in Port Neches the robbers have now been reduced to riding bicycles.
This very morning, a biker knocked off the Dollar General and sped away on a Schwinn (or a reasonable facsimile thereof.)
Now that is embarrassing. Why couldn’t the cops catch him? Did their cars run out of gas thanks to budget cuts from this nagging recession?
If things get worse, robbers may have to downsize from cars to bikes to their feet and just run off after pulling a heist.
If it gets that bad, maybe stores should be allowed to keep dogs that could run down the bad guy and hold on to his ankle until some cop could ’cuff him.
… By the way: Willie Sutton famously robbed banks because that’s where the money is. Why would someone take down a Dollar General?
Friday, March 12, 2010
Please, not another 'Real Housewives' show!
Just what we need; a fifth spinoff of “The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank).”
Is this a great country or what?
Some people thought that one of these monstrosities – the “Real Housewives of Orange County” – was enough.
No such luck.
It was soon followed by the “Real Housewives of Atlanta,” ad nauseum, and now the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”
This, I believe, is too much of a good thing. Actually, too much of a bad thing.
If you haven’t had the pleasure, the people on the “Real Housewives” franchise are shallow, vain and uber-materialistic, devoid of real thoughts but overloaded with plastic surgery.
They make the rest of the characters on TV look like the clan on “The Waltons.”
Could it be worse? Yes.
All future episodes of the “Real Housewives” will be shot in high def.
Now we can get super detail on all the places on their suntanned, pampered bodies where silicone has been inserted and wrinkles have been removed.
I think I’ll pass on the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”
There has to be something better on, like maybe a special on The History Channel on the many uses of soybeans.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Snail slime
Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when druggies were content to smoke a joint or snort a line?
Now some pinheads in Florida are swallowing snail snot.
No, that is not a misprint and you are not in a not a drug-induced hallucination. (At least I think you aren’t.)
Snail snot. (Or mucus, if you wanna be fancy.)
And not just any snail. We’re talking Giant African Snails that can grow up to 10 inches long and even eat plaster!
Ick.
You couldn’t pay me to get close to something that disgusting. But some Jim Jones-type has convinced his gullible followers to “do the goo” and, like, see God or something.
Only instead of achieving cosmic enlightenment, they were getting “violently ill, losing weight and developing strange lumps in their stomachs.”
Duh!
The first two are bad enough, but the “lumps in their stomachs” thing will really keep you up at night.
Haven’t any of these morons seen actor John Hurt's eating scene in the first Alien movie?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Ooh lah lah!
We have long known that the rich are not like you and me.
Now we can add that the French are quite different too. As in, both the French president and his wife are having affairs!
Sacre bleu! And we thought we had something goin’ on when a president was dallying with an intern.
In France, that wouldn’t even budge the meter.
The latest gossip from that strange land across the pond is that the French president (who has a very unFrench name in Nicholas Sarkozy) and his wife, former mega-hot model Carla Bruni, are, uh, violating their marriage vows.
Well, that is, if they even bothered to take ’em.
Nick strayed from his first wife with a woman who later became his second wife. Even then, he took a walk on the wild side and divorced her after another affair. (Or two or three; hell, who’s counting?)
And his latest diversion is a female karate champ, which is doubly dangerous. Cheese her off, and you just might get a well-placed kick in a place that could hamper your future extracurricular activities.
As for wife Carla, no surprise there either. She once famously said, “Monogamy is boring.” And in her model days, she once posed for a photo without many clothes on. (Actually, none at all!)
And she has already had affairs with – check out this combo! – famous studs like Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton and Donald Trump. Can you believe The Donald is in that bunch!
I’d exclaim “sacre bleu!” but I already did and it’s the only French exclamation I know. (Actually, I don’t even know what it means, but I do know it’s a French exclamation.)
Whatever. What can you expect from a nation that gave its name to the French kiss?
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Ice, ice baby
It’s nice to know that some families still have their priorities right.
Like the granny who camped out at a certain location for 43 hours to make sure her little grandson got what he wanted.
How heartwarming.
Was it a slot in a prestigious school?
Or maybe a chance to apply for a coveted job?
How about an opportunity to do something exotic, like take a cruise around the world?
Uh, no, no and no.
Granny plopped down her behind ... so her grandson could place the first order at a new ice cream store.
And we wonder why we are being out-hustled and out-innovated by other nations.
I just hope that if some country is going to attack us, they have the decency to give us a little notice so we can get ready.
Or at least think about what to do while we pack our mouths with ice cream.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Going ape
Some day in the not-too-distant future when your child asks you why the federal government is broke, you can say:
“ 'Cause we spent all the money on stupid things like monkey research back in 2010.”
It’s true, taxpayers. $71,623 in stimulus funds is being used to basically study what happens to monkeys when they get high on cocaine.
(As with people, they dance a lot and talk too much.)
A critic called it one of the "10 worst federal stimulus projects in North Carolina." I would hate to see the other nine.
As an expert in monkey behavior – well, I have watched a bunch of National Geographic specials on TV – I can tell you that monkeys are not that mysterious.
They eat too fast like teenagers, yell too loud like sports fans and groom too much like beauty salon regulars.
In other words, they’re just like us, only with more hair.
And at least we can be house-trained.
Uncle Sam ought to take back the 71 grand and spend it on something more worthwhile, which is basically anything else.
I would suggest 10 college scholarships for veterans.
If that’s too simple and we want to “create jobs,” how about two more full-time pruners for the cherry blossom trees in D.C.?
If any monkeys want a piece of this action, they can be unpaid interns.
Remember all this when you’re filing your tax return and getting ready to write that check. ... Your tax dollars at work … or not!
Friday, March 05, 2010
Put down the chewing gum and slowly step away
Thank God a few people still have standards in this crazy mixed-up world.
I refer, of course, to the courageous city-state of Singapore and its principled decision to continue its ban on chewing gum.
As I told the rest of the old farts at the club, “Here, here! … A round of gin and tonics for all the chaps!”
Good Lord; if you allow chewing gum you open the door to whistling and humming. By then you might as well jump into bed with Satan.
No such slacking in Singapore. And if they catch you with something in your mouth that isn’t food (please, no snarky comments) you might get a good caning like that American punk did a few years back.
The thing is, if you let people just pop a stick of chewing gum into their jaws any time they want, they’ll get other uppity ideas too.
Best to nip it in the bud from the get-go and remind everyone who’s large and in charge.
And if they don’t like it? Well, they can go to North Korea, which is exactly like Singapore except that the people are poor and starving.
Chewing gum; the very idea!
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Fear of flying
We’ve all heard there is no free lunch.
Now, there is apparently no free legroom either.
Starting later this month, Continental Airlines plans to charge extra for coach customers who want a seat with more legroom.
And it won’t be cheap, either.
Extra legroom on a Houston-New York flight will set you back 59 bucks.
Good grief! And you get only 7 more inches of space for laying out all that cash. It’s not like you could camp out or anything.
What could be worse? Try some of these other proposed extra charges that airlines are considering:
-- Permission to unbuckle your seat belt after takeoff, $5.
-- 10 extra sheets of toilet paper, $10.
-- Plastic knife and fork to eat your in-flight meal with, $25.
-- Seating change after finding yourself between two 300-pound passengers, $50.
-- Seating change after finding yourself next to a passenger who gets airsick a lot, $100.
-- Parachute to rent when plane has lost all power and is falling like a brick, $1 million.
… And no, they don’t take checks for that last one.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Middle school Mayday
The kids these days; what are you gonna do with ’em?
I don’t have the answer to that age-old question, but I do know you should not let them serve as air traffic controllers!
Incredibly, that apparently happened at JFK Airport last month. A controller let his kid make life-or-death decisions for a few minutes, just for laughs.
In one exchange, a child can be heard saying, "JetBlue 171 contact departure."
Then his dad comes on the mike and says with a laugh, "That's what you get, guys, when the kids are out of school."
Fun-nee! I laughed til I died!
This is the Doogie Howser syndrome run amuck. Sure, he could be a TV doctor, but would you want him doing a real-life brain transplant on you?
(I know; the answer depends on whose brain you were getting.)
Look, some kids mature early.
Mozart, for example, was composing at age 5 and performing before European royalty.
That’s why his playground nickname was “Amazin’ Amadeus.”
On the other hand, the Last Emperor took over the throne of China at age 3 and went on to end a thousand-year dynasty. (Hey, who’s perfect?)
I say let the kids have fun while they’re little and stay away from Important Jobs. They can screw things up when they’re older.
That was our career path, wasn’t it?
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
TV time tonight
When you aren’t trolling our bodacious Web site for the latest election news tonight, flip over to KBMT-12 to see yours truly providing commentary from 6 to 10:30.
I’ll be chipping in as anchors Kevin Steele and Jackie Simeon report on the returns as they roll in. Check us out; we’re going to have a political party!
… Oh, and if you’re reading this before 7 and you haven’t voted, put down the Cheetos, haul you %$#@ carcass off the sofa and git r done.
Monday, March 01, 2010
From cool Vancouver to ... sucky Sochi?
The winter Olympics are over, and the Russians are red.
Not commie red. (That’s so ’80s.) Angry red.
You see, Russia is a vast frozen wasteland not good for much except nuclear missile bases and winter sports.
So usually, at the Winter Olympics, the Russians are a true superpower. This go-around, they looked like the Dallas Cowboys in a playoff game.
The Russians won only 15 medals – with just three golds. That’s one of their worst performances since Boris Yeltsin was sober.
And they’re not happy about it.
Russian leader Dmitry Medvedev moaned that Russia “ has lost the old Soviet school ... and we haven't created our own school.”
There you go again, Dmitry, pining for the good ol’ days of steroids ’n’ gulags. Get with the program, comrade!
The Russkies especially need to turn around their Olympic program because in four years they’re hosting.
And already, people are predicting another disaster – and not just in the medal count.
The reason is that the games will be in Sochi, a resort town in southern Russia on the Black Sea.
How southern? Real southern. You can’t go much further south in Russia before winding up in Armenia.
Unlike most of Russia, Sochi is not a frozen wasteland. Fact is, it’s kind of sunny. Sort of like Miami with a bunch of bad cars on the streets and fat people on the sidewalks.
"It would be very hard to find a place in Russia that has no snow in the wintertime, but that's just what (Vladimir) Putin did," said Boris Nemtsov, a former deputy prime minister and Sochi native.
"Sochi is the warmest place in Russia, with no infrastructure, no experience in winter sports – it doesn't even have a hockey team – and many other problems."
And one of those problems is corruption, with a capital C.
Hoo-boy. I can hardly wait for these winter Olympics: Balmy with a chance of bribery.
Let the games begin.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Chimp cruelty!
Those darned Russians are at it again.
They’re being mean to a poor, innocent chimpanzee!
It’s true, animal lovers. Zhora, a chimp in a Russian zoo, has picked up some bad habits, such as smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. (No word if he’s hooked on reality shows too.)
"The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze," the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said. Well, duh!
So now the Russkies want to send Zhora to rehab and make him quit cold turkey! Oh, the humanity!
If you were a chimpanzee (and I’ve long suspected that some of this blog’s readers are) would you rather smoke Marlboros and swill Budweisers or eat rotten fruit and slurp stagnant pond water?
No contest with me.
Gee whiz, why not let Zora live out his remaining years in peace, puffing and boozing away to his heart’s content?
Hey, he’s a chimp in a cage. What else does he have to look forward to?
Besides, if you stick him in rehab, he could end up rooming with Amy Winehouse or Tiger Woods and pick up some really bad habits.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
California schemin'
The California legislature has finally taken care of this persistent myth that folks in the Golden State are trendy loons. I think.
It has declared the first week of March as “Cuss-Free Week.”
If you’re like me you’re thinking, “It’s about time!” (Or maybe, “What are those morons up to now?”)
Hey, it’s worth a try. And this new effort might even raise a few bucks for a state that’s teetering on bankruptcy.
One lawmaker is distributing no-cuss jars to all 120 legislative offices in the Capitol. If a bad word comes out of your mouth, some money comes out of your wallet too.
We shall see if it works out. If it does, it could be followed with:
“No Bad Clothes Month” for April. People who wear high-water pants or socks-and-sandals or try to match checks and stripes would be charged with a Class A misdemeanor.
“Good Hair Month” for May. Clueless types who aren’t familiar with combs or shampoo would have their heads shaved on the spot.
“Stupid Expressions Are Banned Month” for June. Residents would be forbidden from saying things like, “Jeez, is it hot enough for ya?” or “He who smelt it dealt it.” Violators would have to move to Utah.
That’s all the Legislature could come up with before it got distracted by a Republican and a Democrat who got into a fistfight over who was more statesmanlike.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Jailhouse crock
When it comes to hijinks and practical jokes, you can’t top most jail inmates.
Like the gang in Uniontown, Pa., that has repeatedly clogged up the jail’s toilets with sheets, pants, light bulbs, etc.
What fun-loving pranksters!
Unfortunately, the county commissioners there aren’t laughing. That’s probably because they have to continually pay big bucks to clean out and repair the jail’s old sewer lines.
I imagine that taxpayers in that county aren’t chuckling either.
Maybe the county jail could shift to an alternate form of waste disposal.
As in, the toilets would be removed, and each cell would be issued … a bucket!
I’m sure the inmates would appreciate being on the receiving end of a joke for a change.
And if they didn’t, well, tough s**t.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
You know you're too fat when ...
… When firefighters have to cut out a window and a wall from your second-floor apartment to get you to the hospital.
Incredibly, that’s what happened to 400-pound Houston woman on Sunday.
She fell in her bathroom and broke her leg, but ambulance crews couldn’t get this plus-sized gal out through the doors.
So they had to do some major surgery on her apartment so she could go to the hospital for some major surgery on her.
This should not have happened. The lady in question should have realized she was too fat when she could barely fit through the doorways to her pad, which apparently consisted of a kitchen, a dining room and nothing else.
Tsk-tsk. There are some warning signs you can’t miss if your’re starting to get too big for your britches. Literally. I mean, you really should know you’re too fat when …
When someone asks you if need a forklift instead of a wheelchair to get around.
When the ambulance calls for an 18-wheeler as a replacement.
When the hospital gives you your own semi-private wing.
When they weigh you on a truck scale.
When you’re too big to get to the competition for “Biggest Loser.”
When you have to wear a tent instead of an XXXL dress.
When the health club revokes your membership because you crushed a treadmill.
… That’s all for now. I’m getting hungry.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Canadian achin'
As the Winter Olympics drag on – I mean continue their exciting run! – everybody seems to be having a dandy time up there in Canada.
Except the Canadians.
Before the games began, the Canadian Olympic Committee made some very unCanadian boasts. They said they were gonna smoke the rest of the world and win the medal count.
They even called the effort “Own the Podium.”
Alas, it has turned out more like “Rent the Loser’s Bench.”
Poor Canada is lagging along in fourth place in the medal count, with nine total.
They’re behind tiny Norway – and tied with smallish South Korea!
They even lost at hockey – their national sport! – to the U.S. team.
Woe, Canada.
Many Canadians felt uneasy with all the pre-games trash talk.
Canadians, for the most part, are low-key, easygoing folks.
I hear they’re even reluctant to brag about how much snow they get each winter, which is a bunch.
Oh well, that’s the way the puck drops. (That’s the Canadian equivalent of, “That’s the way the ball bounces.")
If it will make them feel any better, many Americans are deeply disappointed that our curling team has tasted the bitter ashes of defeat. Once again, there will be no gold medal coming back to the states, or even a silver or bronze.
The curling community is said to be in an uproar, demanding action!
I feel their pain. As soon as I figure out what curling is, I intend to be outraged too.
Until then, let us commiserate with our Canadian neighbors.
Maybe they can comfort in the fact that Tiger Woods, Amy Winehouse and Roman Polanski aren’t Canadian.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Tiger's tart
If you can stand one more twist to Tiger’s tawdry tale, consider this:
One of the tramps he cheated with wants him … to apologize to her! And on top of everything, she’s a porn star!
It’s true, sports fans.
Joslyn James watched Tiger Woods’ confessional video on Friday – with her attorney at an L.A. radio station.
That last part is important, because skanky Joslyn wants the apology, as the news story put it, “for the unwanted attention the scandal has brought her.”
Huh?
Correct me if I’m wrong, although I think we both know that I rarely am, skanky Joslyn’s affair with Tiger was unknown to the world … until skanky Joslyn called a press conference to announce it!
In other words, she spilled the beans and is blaming Tiger for the mess on the floor.
And how do you insult a porn star?
Still, she wants an apology – and not just a long-distance one.
“I would be open to a telephone apology from Tiger, but I really feel that I deserve to look at him, in person, face to face, in his eyes, because I didn’t deserve this.”
Puh-lease! Skanky Joslyn has just redefined unmitigated gall, which is quite an accomplishment because she sure can’t spell it.
Once again, I think we’ve all learned a lesson here:
If you roll around with a pig, you’re gonna get muddy.
... Tiger’s wife must be cringing. Not only did he sleep around, he chose some tarts that self-respecting drunks would turn down.
Yecchhh.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tiger's troubles
It’s amazing how the world’s richest athlete continues to make stupid decisions that will prolong his misery.
Yes, I am talking about none other than Tiger “Share the Love” Woods.
The latest twist in Tiger’s tawdry tale will be Friday morning's carefully controlled press conference about his, er, adventures with women who were not his wife.
Tiger, ever the control freak, thinks he can still call the shots here. That’s as wrong as using an iron on a long drive.
Tiger plans to read a prepared statement to a small group of selected reporters.
That’s it. No questions will be allowed. Only one camera will film the spectacle.
Maybe Tiger thinks we’ll all be satisfied with this spin show and go back to watching the Winter Olympics.
His high-priced consultants should stop telling him what he wants to hear and level with him.
The only way for him to put this mess in the past is to take the plunge. That means going on Oprah or Larry King and taking some hard questions.
The more he tiptoes around it, all he does is give a new lead on an old story.
Sure, a lot of us will watch Friday's follies. But somebody needs to tell Mr. Know It All that it’s like giving a starving man a whiff of a steak dinner.
We want more. One way or another, we’ll get it.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Shami, we hardly knew ye
Like a candle in the wind, or a fart in a hurricane, the Farouk Shami campaign for governor is fading fast.
Five top staff members resigned Wednesday, citing rampant chaos at the campaign HQ.
I suspect those were the only Shami staffers who knew Shiite from shinola when it comes to Texas politics.
Shami, for those of you who have been locked in your uncle’s closet for the past few months, is a hair-care millionaire seeking the Democratic nomination for governor.
He seems like a nice man, but he has zero political experience and has made one boneheaded statement after another on the campaign trail.
My favorite was when he had to admit he didn’t know who his own state representative and senator were. (“Details! Details!”)
Anyhoo, the truly hilarious thing about the staffers resigning is that it is connected to an e-mail that went out statewide Tuesday, even though it was supposed to go from one staffer to another.
I got the e-mail, and it is reprinted below. It is freaking hilarious:
“Who in the hell is David Diaz? He is not authorized by the campaign to send out any press releases and we keep seeing them out there, apparently "authorized" by Jessica Gutierrez? Isn't she Farouk's public relations rep for his company? Why are these amateurs with aol.com email addresses sending out these awful statements? These are the same people that give him quotes like great one about Mexicans and sunshine. No one with the campaign has authorized these statements and whoever they are, they are sabotaging every bit of legitimacy Farouk has as a candidate.
“We have a communications director, a press secretary, and a policy/strategy team for the campaign. The entire paid staff has worked very hard on strategy for this candidate and have been chopped off at the knees by these incompetents! The staff could probably work with his "unique" statements, but these people that think they are helping him are feeding him their stupidity. Seriously, can we hunt these people down and muzzle them? This is highly unprofessional and must be resolved immediately.”
Oh, well, since the governor thing didn’t work out, Shami should try to bounce back strong.
I suggest a run for president in 2012. We could use the comic relief.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
How to handle a psycho killer
I have never been on the receiving end of a mass shooting. And I hope I never am.
But if I do find myself in that unfortunate situation, I won’t be nicey-nice with the deranged shooter/killer.
Take that incident at the University of Alabama in Huntsville last Friday, when a truly nutty professor opened up on her colleagues in a faculty meeting.
The psycho, Amy Bishop, killed three professors and wounded three others.
It was a highly unusual workplace shooting, in that the deranged shooter/killer was A) a woman, and B) a Harvard-educated neurobiologist.
Most brainiacs, particularly the female kind, aren’t into violence. The worst they might do is toss off a multi-syllabic insult with footnotes available.
Another odd thing about this shooting was the reaction of one victim.
According to the news story, “ … Bishop aimed the gun at (Debra Moriarity, a professor of biochemistry) and attempted to fire. When the gun didn't shoot, Moriarity pushed her way to Bishop, urged her to stop, and then helped force her out the door.”
Thank God Moriarity wasn’t hurt. But I think I’d have done a little more than “urge” the shooter to stop and “force her out the door.”
As in, I would have tried to put her on the ground quickly and violently.
This is a nut case who has just murdered some of your friends and is now gunning for you.
This is not a time to urge or push. It's a time to swing for the fences.
The shooter needs to get unconscious ASAP – and if she never wakes up from that condition, well, there’s one less creep in the world.
... At least the shooter’s attorney can’t trot out the usual claim that she should be spared the death penalty because she’s mentally retarded.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Climate chaos
So what’s the deal on global warming? A month ago, it was a dire threat to Life As We Know It.
Now, the same scientists who had been shrieking frantically are saying, “Hey, hold on a minute here. My bad. The earth might even be cooling!”
If you’re confused, that’s OK. It’s hard to see how any non-scientist can make sense of this nonsense.
It’s not just a cold winter – although that does seem to undercut the polar-ice-is-melting-now hysteria.
Now some of the guys in white coats are saying that the other guys in white coats are relying on bad data.
Like weather stations that produce false readings because they’re located by heat-generating equipment.
Duh! Even Homer Simpson wouldn’t make that mistake.
OK, maybe he would. But he’s dumb cartoon character.
It shouldn’t happen with brainiacs with multiple degrees who use big words like “irreversible” and “indisputable.”
I still don’t know if were gonna freeze or boil.
But before we turn the nation’s economy upside down and start driving tandem bicycles to work, we might want to find out.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Valentine Time
It’s official. The most romantic word in the world is … “amour!”
That would be, of course, the French word for love.
Ya gotta hand it to the French. They may not be good at war or world leadership, but they’ve got this love thing nailed. (Not to mention wearing berets and baking long loaves of bread!)
Ironically, the least-romantic way of saying "I love you" went to the Japanese for "watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu."
Yikes. That doesn’t roll off the tongue. It's a wonder any Japanese babies are born.
Again, no surprise. The Japanese make great cars and computers, but people known for spiffy engineering usually suck at personal relationships.
Take Bill Gates, for example. Good thing he’s a jillionaire, or let’s just say he probably wouldn’t be passing along his genes to the next generation.
And just to round out this holiday report, the three least-romantic sentences in the English language are:
“If you get enough food stains on a T-shirt, it looks kinda artsy.”
“Hand me that pair of undershorts marked ‘February’.”
“Uh, I just threw up in your bathroom … and missed the toilet.”
... Happy Valentine’s Day anyway. They say love is blind; sometimes it needs to be.
Wedding night surprise
When will people learn? Never buy a pig in a poke.
Or marry a woman you’ve never seen. The results could be hairy – literally.
An Arab ambassador, of all people, learned this lesson the hard way.
You see, he courted a woman who always remained hidden behind a veil that covered her face – a niqab, it’s called.
But after their expensive marriage in Dubai -- $137,000 for wedding gifts and expenses -- he found out why she kept the goods tucked away.
It wasn’t modesty. It was manliness.
The poor woman … has a beard! She apparently has some kind of hormonal deficiency. (Duh!)
To make things worse – if they can possibly get worse – she was cross-eyed too!
Not exactly a looker. Sort of what you might call a camel on two legs.
As you might expect, much anguish ensued.
The grossed-out groom demanded an annulment. The blushing bride was heartbroken too. (Heck, maybe Miss Sasquatch had a great figure and thought she made a heckuva catch!)
Anyway, I think we’ve all learned an important lesson here. Actually, two of 'em:
1) Marriage is like diplomacy: Trust but verify.
2) If your fiancée displays persistent curiosity in whether you prefer an electric shaver or straight razor, and whether you shave before your shower or afterward, and whether you prefer old-fashioned shaving cream or modern gel … dump her and go back to Match.com
Thursday, February 11, 2010
How cold was it in D.C.?
How cold was it? Well, I’ll tell ya.
It was so cold in Washington yesterday that …
A senator known for his strong views on the environment told his limo driver, “I don’t care how much gas you use! Warm that damn thing up for 15 minutes before my butt hits the seat or you’ll be busing inmates to the federal prison!”
A federal researcher applied for a grant to study whether the true color of snow is white, off-white or pearl.
A congressman didn’t have any office visits from his constituents the entire day. Which caused him to tell his staff, “I wish we had more blizzards. It keeps those annoying voters out of my hair until I need them.”
The snow piled up so high outside the EPA offices that the head honchos couldn’t get out to attend a meeting on global warming.
A House chairman slipped and fell on the ice and suffered a bad bruise. Actually, it happened in the House bar, and it was ice that spilled from his drink, and he was sloshed. But technically, it still qualifies as a winter accident.
Sen. John McCain got cranky and snapped at anybody who talked to him. (OK, he’s like that most of the time, so scratch that one.)
Nancy Pelosi’s face was frozen solid and she couldn’t move a muscle. … (OK, it’s like that all the time from Botox, so scratch that one too.)
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Air sickness
Memo to frequent fliers: On that next long trip, don’t forget to bring your wool jammies if you’re flying American Airlines.
’Cause if you don’t, they’re gonna charge you eight bucks for a blanket and pillow!
It’s true, weary wayfarers. American will now demand that you fork over $8 dollars “for a pillow and blanket in coach class for domestic trips and some international flights longer than two hours, beginning May 1. The international flights are to and from Canada, Mexico, Hawaii, the Caribbean and Central America.”
Good grief; what’s next? Special fees for barf bags? Additional charges for that second trip to the rest room! A credit-card swipe before you can tilt your seat back to the recline position?
I’m tellin’ ya, the romance of flying is long gone.
First they took away the free meals. Then they gave you small foil bags of peanuts that could not be opened. Then they started charging you for checked-in luggage. Then you had to take off your shoes for a stupid security check. Then they subjected you to pre-boarding body scans that show more than early centerfolds.
And now you have to pay for pillows!
Pretty soon, they’ll be cramming us in like livestock in a trailer. And straw on the floor will cost extra.
Travelers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your change!
Monday, February 08, 2010
Shake it, Peyton
So is Peyton Manning a bad sport for refusing to shake Drew Brees’ hand after the Super Bowl?
You betcha, and his tacky behavior tarnishes his carefully crafted image as The Greatest Quarterback Playing the Game Today.
Qualifier: If Manning couldn’t find Brees when the playing field turned into a scene resembling the French Quarter at midnight, he gets a pass. (Pun intended.)
He doesn’t want to (and shouldn’t have to) wade through a bunch of crazies looking for his counterpart. On those occasions, you give it the old college try, look around for the other QB and then head into the locker room.
But Pouting Peyton didn’t even seem to give it the old high school try, much less the college version. He tried to skedaddle faster than a gambler who had given the Saints and points to a bar room full of people.
Sure, it has to suck big time to lose a Super Bowl, especially when you are The Great Peyton Manning and you were expected to win the big game.
But pro football has this marvelous tradition where players meet in midfield after the game and extend a handshake or backslap to the guy who was just trying to take your head off for the past 60 minutes.
Most other sports don’t have this practice, so you can’t make comparisons to them. The fact is football has it – and it’s a classy thing for a violent game.
Petulant Peyton should man up, admit he was wrong and say he won’t do it again.
Drew Brees woulda done the right thing.
Geaux Saints!
Friday, February 05, 2010
He's with stupid
Some people are just not meant to live long, uneventful lives.
Like the moron in Michigan who strapped a homemade rocket to his backside when he was sledding.
The “rocket,” if you can believe it, was an auto muffler filled with gasoline and gunpowder. I kid you not.
It is hard to imagine someone this stupid being able to get out of bed in the morning, much less handle more complicated tasks like driving a car or going shopping.
Incredibly, he was 62 years old. You’d think someone that dumb would have jumped off a roof or leaped in front of a car long ago.
Predictably, the booby trap exploded when it was ignited, causing second-degree burns to Dr. Einstein.
And you cannot be surprised to learn that the clown was known for doing “outrageous things” at his sledding parties.
The news story about this idiot said no charges were filed against him.
Why the hell should they be?
He is clearly trying to kill himself. As long as he doesn’t drag anybody with him, let ’im go!
Heck, if you try to stop him, he might hang around and pass along his genes to someone else.
That would be even worse than putting up with him.
As soon as he gets out of the hospital, someone should dare him to swallow a box of tacks.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Art mart
I just can’t make up my mind about this darned recession.
Is it still raging, as proved by Exxon-Mobil’s anemic profits, or does the latest record for an art sale mean happy days are here again?
I refer of course – as if you didn’t know – to the recent purchase of Alberto Giacometti's "Walking Man I" statue for a cool $104.3 million.
That’s a new world record for a piece of art – but again, you knew that.
Personally, I wouldn’t have given a nickel over $99 million for "Walking Man I." I mean, it’s nice and all, but one must have limits.
And for $104.3 mil, couldn’t Sotheby’s have thrown in "Walking Man II" and "Walking Man III," if they exist? You could make a dandy arrangement with the whole gang.
"Walking Man I" can be described (generously) as a statue of a really skinny guy walking. I suppose it’s designed to motivate you to lose weight by going around the block more often.
Then again, you may appreciate it as a poignant commentary on the delicate frailty of inner beauty and the irrevocable decontextualization of modern life.
At any rate, I would be proud if I had just written the check to bring this baby home.
It would be a real conversation starter for barbecues and other get-togethers, and it could also double as a nifty hat rack.
See you at Sotheby’s for the next auction. I might put in a bid for Bruno Frimpel’s “Lump of Crap” if I can spare $50 million.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Auto anxiety
I’ve been having a nasty run of bad luck with my cars lately.
If this keeps up, my next mode of transportation will need a saddle and bag of oats to get started in the morning.
It all started a few weeks ago when my Toyota Camry suddenly started imitating a Formula One race car.
I was driving on I-10 one day when I tromped the pedal to pass some old junker. To my horror, the gas pedal stuck and I was zooming along at 95 mph for nearly 10 miles! Fortunately, I didn’t get a speeding ticket because most other cars on I-10 were moving just as fast.
I quickly traded in that time-bomb for a spiffy Prius. Hey, they’re good cars and they’re green too. Al Gore would be proud of me!
Everything was fine until I hit the brake pedal one day while approaching a crowded intersection. Nothing happened!
What is worse, a Toyota with a broken accelerator or a Prius with a broken brake system? (Answer: It doesn’t matter.)
Shaken, but not stirred, I unloaded that death-trap for a nice safe Chevy Cobalt. It may not be the fanciest set of wheels out there, but it’s dependable and affordable.
Things were OK for a while until I tried to make a sudden turn one day. No dice. No matter how hard I turned the steering wheel, the wheels under the car didn’t budge.
This was not good! I didn’t even have to ponder that timeless philosophical question: What is worse, a Toyota with a stuck gas pedal, a Prius with a broken brake pedal, or a Cobalt with a broken steering wheel?
I’ve decided that the real problem is that modern cars are too complicated. The more gadgets and doo-dads you put on ‘em, the greater the chance that something will go wrong.
I’m going back to the basics. Anybody know where I can get a used East German Trabant?
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Terminal condition
If you’re still in that dwindling band of Americans pushing for national health care – or at least the president’s version of it – these are tough times.
The latest problem? Well, the premier of the Canadian providence of Newfoundland … is coming to the U.S. for his heart surgery!
That’s right, reformers! Danny Williams is turning his back on Canada’s heavily regulated system for its free-enterprise counterpart south of the border. (Theirs, not ours. Otherwise we’d be talking about Mexico.)
This is going to be tough to explain away – and Danny Boy is not the first resident of the Great White North to look elsewhere for surgery ’n’ stitches. (Hey, that could be the name of a trendy new clinic!)
Bad as this is for the national health care crowd, it comes on the heels of Scott Brown’s shocking takeover of Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat in the People’s Republic of Massachusetts. (Unofficial state motto: We want more government!)
We shall see how it all shakes out. But if I was a doctor and the patient was national health care, I’d gently advise a review of the ol’ life insurance policy.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Profit problems
Reports of the recession’s end have been greatly exaggerated.
Exhibit A would be the shamefully embarrassing disclosure by Exxon-Mobil for 2009.
You may find this hard to believe, but the oil giant came out ahead by only … $19.3 billion!
I know what you’re thinking. When I saw that lame number, I too thought it had to be a misprint.
Sadly, it’s true.
That is only half of E-M's 2008 profit.
Oh, the humiliation!
Maybe some other nickel-and-dime companies on Wall Street would be satisfied with $19.3 bil, but that’s chump change to Exxon-Mobil. Heck, back in ’08, they cleared $14.8 billion in the third quarter alone!
The company has now seen decreases in each of the last five quarters. This was its lowest annual profit in seven years.
This simply can’t go on!
I don’t know how the CEO can show his face in public.
If he does, he should be immediately fired and replaced by someone who knows how to make some real money.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Edwards exposed
Dear John: (irony intended) What were you thinking?
Did you ever for a moment actually believe that your (ick) “sex tape” with Rielle Hunter would remain secret?
John Edwards is making mop-haired Rod Blagojevich look like Winston Churchill here. Worse, he's making horny Bill Clinton look like the pope.
Johnny Boy, you may recall, was the Democrats’ VP nominee in ’04 and a serious candidate for the top spot in ’08.
If the phenom called Barack Obama had decided to sit out that race and get a little seasoning, Edwards could be in the White House today (instead of his ex-wife’s doghouse).
Yet in 2006, when the race for the presidency was just getting going, John and Rielle decided to get it on before the camera.
Puh-lease! How could he not know that would eventually boomerang on him like a nuclear weapon? Wasn't he a super-smart lawyer?
And now the mixed-up mistress wants the tape back. Morals? Hardly. She probably realizes it’s worth big bucks. And what does that say about her I.Q. in letting this gold mine slip through her fingers?
What a seamy, stupid mess.
I used to think that Ross Perot was the looniest person who almost/maybe became president. John Edwards has now taken that trophy from him.
Let’s hope no one outdoes this stunt.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Ford rules!
Have you driven a Ford lately?
Apparently, lots of you folks have.
The Ford Motor Co. did something that no U.S. automaker has done in a long time.
It made a profit last year. A big one. $2.7 billion!
And Ford was the only one of the Big Three that didn’t have to beg Uncle Sam for bailout bucks when the recession was cranking up.
Yee haw! There may be hope for the U.S. auto industry yet. Or at least a third of it.
Critics used to sneer that F-O-R-D stood for Found On Road Dead.
Maybe now they’ll say it means Full Of Resilient Dominance. (OK, I am going to work on that acronym.)
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, GM says it will pay Toyota customers a thousand bucks if they will switch brands.
Now, I may not be one of those power-tie-wearin’ Wall Street financiers, but that doesn’t seem like a good way to make money – bribing people to buy your products.
Congress thought along those lines when it dreamed up the Cash for Clunkers program. But those clowns never had a lick of fiscal sense, so that scheme wasn’t surprising.
The suits at GM should know better. Then again, maybe that’s why GM is hanging on by its fingertips.
We shall see.
But it’s nice to think that you can still buy an extended warranty on at least one U.S. car and hope the company will be there in a few years.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The real State of the Union
Here is the real State of the Union, the speech that President Obama wanted to give but was talked out of at the last minute.
Through my extensive journalistic contacts in Washington, I have been able to obtain a rare transcript of the speech that officially does not exist:
“My fellow Americans: Thank you for taking the time to listen to me tonight, but I must warn you. This will not be your standard State of the Union bullride. I am going to level with you.
“The State of our Union is not good. In fact, if we were a company, we’d be holding a going-out-of-business sale, the pathetic kind where you even unload the office furniture.
“Basically, we’re a B&B. That’s the worst combination you can have – broke and borrowing.
“My health care plan is DOA, even though I still have to pretend I can resuscitate it. But if you want an alternative from the Republicans, you’ll be DOA before it happens.
“Congress has some good people, but also lots of posers, hacks and errand boys. My party has too many people who think government can do everything. The other party has too many people who think government can do nothing.
“But that’s OK, because many of their constituents don’t deserve better representation. You voters want us to keep cutting your taxes while giving you more government goodies. Do the math on that one, pinheads.
“The recession is not over, no matter what Bernanke says. (And he deserved Time’s Person of the Year like I deserved the Nobel Peace Prize.)
“Fact is, the recession is probably just taking a breather before it really nails us later this year. Hey, it’s so bad that even oil companies aren’t making money! And if you think there will be an American carmaker still operating in 10 years, you probably think reality shows are real.
“And that’s another thing: I couldn’t even give this damn speech when I wanted because it would clash with the premier of ‘Lost.’ What’s up with that? I ought to give away the ending and spoil it for you clowns.
“My Cabinet is doing a decent job, but Joe Biden still says something stupid every other day. Sometimes I wish I had chosen Hillary instead for VP, but Bill would have been over here all the time, trying to give me free advice on how he did it back in the good ol’ days. What a putz.
“I suppose we’ll muddle through somehow; we always do. But the chances of your kid wearing a paper hat instead of holding a sheepskin are pretty high, and soon we may start issuing IOUs instead of T-bills.
“In fact, I’d be real depressed if it weren’t for the fact that we’re going to have a good Super Bowl this year. If you take the Colts and give the points, you’ll have some extra spending money the next day. Just don’t forget to report your winnings on your tax return.
“So good night and God bless. And just remember, it could have been worse. John Edwards could’ve gotten this job instead.”
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Bum steer
Kiefer Sutherland is the latest rich guy to prove the old adage:
“A fool and his money are soon parted.”
He got taken for $869,000 by a con artist. And the scam is so bad you wonder how anyone could get suckered by it.
The scammer convinced Sutherland to give him a truckload of money so he could buy cattle in Mexico and resell them in the states for big bucks.
R U kidding?
You don’t even have to a rancher to see how shaky this one is.
There isn’t a big profit margin in beef as it is. And I don’t think U.S. consumers are clamoring for Mexican meat.
The scammer is lucky he snookered Sutherland and not his TV persona, Jack Bauer.
Ol’ Jack would have hung the bad guy by his wrists and made him, ahem, regret his misdeeds.
But of course there’s a difference between real life and make-believe.
It’s just like the difference between real business deals and scams.
Maybe Sutherland/Bauer knows that now.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Bungling burglar
It’s happened again.
Another pathetic criminal has revealed that this country is losing its edge.
In the latest affront, a 20-year-old burglar had to be driven to his target home … by his mommy!
That’s right, Mr. and Mrs. America. The little punk didn’t even have enough gumption to find his own ride – or Lord forbid, drive himself!
John Dillinger must be rolling over in his grave.
What is wrong with this once-great country of ours? We can’t even produce decent criminals.
How in the hell are we going to do something really hard, like putting a man on Mars or designing a mid-sized SUV that will get 20 miles to the gallon?
Somebody needs to sit this twerp down and level with him, as in:
“Listen up, Skippy! Mommy isn’t always going to be there to hold your widdle hand!
“You need to man up and start doing these jobs on your own. And that means all the way, from casing the joint, finding a point of entry, cutting the phone lines to managing a clean getaway. And yes, you have to fence your own loot too!
“Get with the program, loser. It’s called being an adult!”
Please tell me this clown didn’t ask for mommy to tuck him in at night at the jail.
Friday, January 22, 2010
How government works
This one came across e-mail the other day.
You may think it is funny. If you don't, you probably work for the government:
HOW GOVERNMENT WORKS
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman's position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people -- one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people -- one to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they added a time keeper and a payroll officer.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people -- an administrative officer, assistant administrative officer and a legal secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this department in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cut back."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Heavier than air
It’s about time: Air France is going to start charging double fare for “plus-sized” passengers who can’t fit into a single seat.
This is good news for everyone who weighs less than 400 pounds.
The rest of the copycat airline industry will probably adopt this rule within weeks.
When that magic day arrives, your chances of being scrunched between a massive collection of cellulite and the plane’s aluminum wall will be much smaller.
Organizations for the obese will squawk, of course, but let ‘em holler. After all, this is a safety issue too.
If your plane landed unexpectedly in, say, the Hudson River and you had to crawl over one of these mounds of pounds, let’s just say your heirs would be arguing over your will right about now.
And how would you like to be the pilot having to continually correct the flight path because the plane kept listing to one side?
No, my friends, some people were not meant to fly. And if they do insist on going airborne, they should be gently steered toward cargo carriers.
If any of this offends you, well, you’re probably one of those people who has to board and airplane with the assistance of a forklift.
Happy flying. And always remember, Wendy’s does have a salad bar too.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tiger hunting
I’m gonna go waaaay out on a limb here and guess that Tiger Woods is not a happy camper.
He’s just been “discovered” again, and like the last time, not in a good way.
The celeb Web site radaronline.com says the next issue of – what else? – the National Enquirer will have photos of Tiger at a rehab clinic in Mississippi.
Apparently, the rumors are true: The world’s top golfer is being treated for sexual addiction.
Yikes. It’s hard to remember anyone else who fell this far this fast.
But Tiger had to see this one coming since the bombshell burst. He can run but he can’t hide from all the cameras in the world.
He’s managed to stay in Howard Hughes-like seclusion for nearly two months. It’s a miracle he lasted that long, but of course the end was inevitable.
As annoyed as he may be at being outed here, he needs to get used to it.
It won’t end, unless …
Unless he sits down with Oprah or Larry King or somebody like that and address his little problems head on.
If he doesn’t, every other encounter with the media will circle back to, ahem, his private “ladies tour.”
If he does, he can smile – through gritted teeth – and say, “Sorry, guys, but I’ve already addressed that and I’m trying to move forward.”
What a mess he’s made of an incredible life.
Tiger needs to understand he can’t get a Mulligan here.
He needs to play this one where it landed, even if it’s in a truly icky place.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Star wars
Apparently our long national nightmare will be over soon.
No, I’m not talking about the health care debate or the war on terror.
I’m talking about the thing that that everyone has been talking about – the Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien clash on NBC.
Everyone has been feeling sorry for Conan and making Jay the villain, which is party understandable. Poor Conan is getting moved out of his dream job after just seven months.
But he was getting beat in the ratings by David Letterman. If he had been topping the gap-toothed one, NBC probably would have kept him where he was – and told Leno to take a hike.
Reason No. 2 not to feel too sorry for Conan is what he is getting to walk away: $40 million. That’s a lot of cabbage.
So it looks like Leno takes back the Tonight Show, and Conan sits out for a while and re-emerges on Fox.
Then those two and Letterman will be duking it out at 10:35 p.m. Talk about a Confluence of Comedy.
Now maybe we can go back to worrying about something more important, serious and meaningful. I hereby nominate the following topic:
“Is Tiger Woods a sex addict who needs rehab?”
Talk amongst yourselves.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Heene the Wienie
There ought to be a law.
A law against pleading guilty in court to get a light sentence ... and then taking it all back once you get the slap on the wrist!
That is the scam being pulled by Richard Heene, better known as the father of Balloon Boy.
Heene and his ditzy wife faced all kinds of charges after their October stunt, which it turns out was designed to help them snare a reality show gig.
In the shallow realm of what is loosely (and pathetically) called Reality TV, people like Heene can bluff, lie and spin at will. In fact, it’s almost a requirement.
In a court of law, however, that dog won’t hunt. So Heene had to face facts and admit the truth.
As a spokeswoman for the D.A. said, "The bottom line is he entered his plea in court and was advised fully by the judge and the evidence was pretty overwhelming."
So it’s settled, right? Hell no!
Soon after wiping away the fake tears he shed for the judge at sentencing, Heene started singing a different tune.
The incredibly ancient Larry King even gave him airtime to insist that the little balloon adventure was not a hoax and that he really thought his son was inside the homemade craft.
(Which I have thought all along looked like more of a shiny chef’s hat rather than a balloon, but I digress.)
Now Heene has even found a documentary film maker who will, well, make a documentary film about how he was framed and all.
What a waste.
Heene the Wienie ought to shut up. If he won’t do that, somebody ought to offer him a role in a remake of “Lost in Space.”
All he has to do is get in one of his goofy balloons ... and float away.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Don't just sympathize, donate
The scenes in Haiti defy belief. We wonder how we can help these people from our safe homes.
Here's a good way:
Below is a list of organizations responding to the earthquake and how to contact them. We are running this list on our Web site.
The experts say it's probably better to donate to an organization that already has a presence in Haiti instead of a group that has no experience there.
As always, be wary of e-mail scams. There has to be a special place in hell for creeps who look at a disaster like this and ask themselves, "How can I make some money off of it?"
Be generous, and be quick. Lives are at stake:
-- The American Red Cross: 1-800-REDCROSS, or in Spanish, 1-800-257-7575 or online at www.redcross.org
-- The Salvation Army: 1-800-SAL-ARMY or www.salvationarmyusa.org or by mail at The Salvation Army World Service Office, International Disaster Relief Fund, P.O. Box 630728 Baltimore, MD 21263-0728 or to your local Salvation Army Corps.
-- Haitian Multicultural Association: 9819 Bissonette Houston, Tx 77036 (713) 271-8988
-- International Rescue Committee: www.theirc.org
-- National Nurses United seeks nurse volunteers at www.nationalnursesunited.org
-- Doctors Without Borders: donate.doctorswithoutborders.org
-- Catholic Relief Services: www.crs.org
-- American Jewish World Services: ajws.org or (212) 792-2900
-- Haitian Education Project: haitianeducationproject@saintleo.edu or 800-334-5532
-- AT&T Wireless customers can donate $10 to Red Cross International by texting HAITI to 90999
-- Buckner International, a global ministry to orphans, vulnerable children and families, is providing humanitarian aid to earthquake victims in Haiti and is seeking cash donations to cover the cost of shipping for four containers (est. cost $5,000 each):
www.buckner.org
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Haiti aftershocks
What is it about a disaster that bring out the worst in people?
People like Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh.
The talkin’ televangelist said Haiti’s earthquake happened because when it was still a French colony its leaders “swore a pact to the devil” to get out from “under the heel of the French.”
Then he launched into a loopy story about how Haiti got its independence, complete the devil agreeing with the proposal by saying, "OK, it’s a deal.”
Sheesh.
Then rumblin’ Rush said the killer quake would be exploited by Obama to look “compassionate” and “humanitarian” while at the same time bolstering his popularity in both the “light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country.”
Puh-lease! Can’t we all get along?
Haiti was already one of the poorest nations on earth. Now it’s gone down several more notches, if that’s even possible.
Its long-suffering people need aid, and pronto.
The historical/geopolitical debate can wait.
That will also let the talking heads think twice about what they’re gonna say ... and maybe not say it.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Bank shot
You gotta hand it to those Wall Street bankers. Hounded by Congress and hated by millions of working stiffs, they are trying to make amends.
In fact, a bunch of them apologized Wednesday “for risky behavior that led to the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.” Here is their official statement:
“Dear Suckers:
“Our lawyers told us we have to pretend to regret becoming mega-millionaires at your expense, so here goes.
“If we could have gotten filthy rich without stealing from you, we’d have done it. But it was easier to just fleece you, so we’re sure you will understand.
“Basically, we did it because we could. In fact, we’re going to do it again the next time you’re not looking.
"Please don't look so surprised when we tell you this. It will make us respect you less -- if that's possible.
“So let’s ‘move beyond’ the blame game and ‘let the healing process begin.’
"And pretty soon, too, because the recession we had a large part in causing has created some super real estate deals. We really want to snap them up.
“Thank you and have a nice day.”
Well, that’s better. Thanks, fellas.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
N B See TV
What a mess. NBC has too many late night comedians and not enough time slots for them.
Tsk, tsk. The Peacock Network should adopt the following rotating schedule to bring peace in our time:
Monday, Jay Leno at 10:30 p.m. (leading with the “headlines” bit, even though it often includes restaurant menus or product labels), followed by Conan O’Brien at 11:30 (with hot young actresses plugging current movies) and Jimmy Fallon at 12:30 (with rock bands you’ve never heard of).
Tuesday, Conan at 10:30, (featuring one of those of those bits where he goes into a goofy store and says goofy things), followed by Leno at 11:30 (with old male actors like Harrison Ford plugging current movies) and Jimmy Fallon at 12:30 (featuring one of those bits where he brings audience members onstage for hilarious competitions).
Wednesday, Jimmy Fallon leads off at 10:30 (with hot young singers plugging current albums), then Conan at 11:30 (featuring “In the Year 2000”) and then at 12:30 reruns of “The Best of Carson.”
Thursday, Jay Leno at 10:30 (featuring a Jaywalking bit), then Jimmy Fallon jumping up to 11:30 (with hot young actresses plugging current TV shows) and then Conan at 12:30 with a “serious” interview of a politician, but not someone old and boring like John McCain or Joe Biden.
Friday, Conan at 10:30 (with a bit where he takes over the Universal tour bus and does zany things), Leno at 11:30 (with an old rock band making a reunion tour) and then reruns of the Tom Snyder Show from the ‘70s with segments like that interview with a young George Bush (the first one, not the second one).
There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Big Mac's secret sauce
So Big Mac has come clean. Sort of.
Former home-run king Mark McGwire has admitted using steroids and human growth hormone when he was hitting all those moonshots.
Duh.
This one was as obvious as the snow on the North Pole.
Only the terminally stupid could be surprised by this “confession.”
Over the years, tons of evidence have emerged to show that McGwire and many other sluggers were heavily juiced in a period of baseball history now correctly referred to as “The Steroid Era.”
Yes, it’s good that Big Mac has finally dropped the pretense of pretending.
No, it’s not good that he is still hiding behind a couple of familiar lies:
No. 1: “I did this for health purposes. There’s no way I did this for any type of strength purposes.”
(Yeah, right. And Amy Winehouse gets sloshed to prevent dehydration.)
No. 2: Those darned drugs didn’t even help that much: “I had good years when I didn’t take any, and I had bad years when I didn’t take any. I had good years when I took steroids, and I had bad years when I took steroids.”
(Sure, Mark. Being able to hit the ball an extra 100 feet -- because you’re cheating -- probably would have no effect on a cleanup hitter.)
The real benefit of McGwire’s admission, lame as it is, is that the pressure is now turned up on other juicers to end their lies too.
Sammy, Barry, Roger, Rafael, etc., are you listening?
The fans will be waiting, and not so patiently.
And no, we won’t be fooled by your silly excuses and non-denials.
You can’t undo the damage you did to the game -- and to thousands of impressionable kids who harmed their bodies in countless ways.
But you can take some responsibility for this stinking mess, and that would be something.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Bowled over
Yeah, yeah, I know it didn't turn out as I predicted Thursday night at the Rose Bowl.
That's tough. But ...
Even getting past the loss of our QB in the opening minutes, the game still could have been won if Texas receivers had caught a few more passes (like that one in the end zone in the first half!) and better play-calling from the upstairs booth (like fooling around at the end of the first half instead of just kneeling down).
Oh, well, we'll get 'em next year. Hook 'em, Horns!
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Horns rule!
The so-called experts made 'Bama 4-point favorites in Thursday night's game against our Horns.
Shows what they know, which is not much.
The boys in Burnt Orange will do what they did in '05 -- win a national championship by upsetting the so-called favorites.
Final score: Texas 33, Alabama 24. You read it here first.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Unhappy hooker
Maria Mosterd is miffed.
A Dutch court just rejected her lawsuit against her former high school. She says it didn’t do enough to stop her from becoming a prostitute.
No, that is not a misprint.
Mixed-up Maria says the real cause of her unhappy career choice is that many pimps in the Netherlands hang around schools and look for vulnerable girls like her to exploit.
Maria’s mom even said, “This happens at many schools, and nobody takes responsibility for it. We hoped we would win to make the point that this is going on at schools.”
Mama mia, Maria!
Maybe the pimp problem is as bad as she says and something ought to be done about it. But the person who needs to “take responsibility” for her sleazy sideline would be ... none other than Maria herself!
Ya see, the job of schools is to teach readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmatic (curiously referred to as the 3 R’s even though only one of those words begins with an R).
Thank God one Dutch court struck a blow for common sense, even though common sense doesn’t always prevail in the halls of justice.
As for Maria the misfit, she and her moronic mom are in need of some further education.
I would suggest a remedial course in “It’s My Life 101.”
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Air scare
The feds have finally figured out that we were reeaally lucky on Christmas Day, when an al Qaida stooge tried to blow an airliner out of the sky.
And now they are trying to figure out how to stop the next attack -- and of course there will be a next attack.
The prez himself said, said, “We have to do better and we will do better and we have to do it quickly.”
So as the brain trust at Homeland Security, the FBI, the CIA, etc. try to conjure up how to "do better," here's my suggestion:
Let's do what we are already supposed to do.
As in, searching people or luggage that look suspicious.
Being alert for travelers who pay cash for one-way tickets with no luggage.
And putting people on watch lists when we get solid information that they should be on watch lists.
If we do these things -- basic precautions we were supposed to taking all along -- we'll be a lot safer.
If the experts want to dream up new tricks, I'm all for it.
But if the new regs are occasionally ignored like the old regs, our luck won't hold out.
Monday, January 04, 2010
Back in the Saddle II
The stay-cation is over, and I am ready to charge into this new year.
But first I have one burning question:
Will we call the new year "two thousand and ten" or "twenty ten"?
Just wondering.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Be back Jan. 4
It's time for one last "stay-cation" for '09.
I hope you had a blessed Christmas and will have a great new year. See you on Jan. 4
Until then, eat at least five servings of fruits or vegetables per day, perform at least 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise each day and floss rigorously every night. And drink plenty of water.
Unless you don't want to.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Silly Swedes
It’s one thing to be persistent. No one likes a quitter.
But sometimes, you gotta face facts and throw in the towel. Or in the case of Gavle, Sweden, throw in the goat.
In that Swedish town, a giant straw goat is built each year as a Christmas tradition.
Don’t ask me why. Hey, we have some strange Christmas traditions too – like big discounts on large-screen TVs.
But for 24 times since the first straw goat was set up in 1966, some idiot has burned it down. According to the news story, “It has also been smashed several times, run over by a car and had its legs cut off.”
In other words, it’s a moron magnet. Inevitably, a bunch of Swedish kids get drunk or stoned and say to each other one night in late December, “Hey, let’s go burn down the goat!”
(OK, they probably say it in Swedish, but you get my point.)
And my larger point is that it’s hopeless. The thing has been torched so many times – and the night blaze is probably pretty impressive – that it’s a wonder it makes it through any Christmas at all.
For a couple of years town officials doused it in fireproof chemicals. But that made it "look like a brown terrier instead of a yellow straw goat," so they stopped that. And the burning resumed.
The way I see it, the Gavle town council needs to either make the goat out of metal, so it won’t burn, or fill it with TNT so it will wipe out the arsonists.
Or give up the tradition altogether and start offering big discounts on large-screen TVs.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Athlete of the Year II?
In this space yesterday, a wise scholar opined eloquently about the AP’s choice for Male Athlete of the Year.
OK, it was me and I was just blogging, but the AP has done it again. It’s made a shaky choice for Female Athlete of the Year.
This time, the brain trust at the Associated Press chose Serena Williams as the leading lady of sports.
In terms of her accomplishments, she deserved it. Serena won two Grand Slams (Wimbledon and the Australian Open), and lost in the final of the other two. She and her sister Venus also won three Grand Slam doubles titles.
Unfortunately, it was Serena’s performance in one of the two individual Grand Slams that she lost that throws cold water on this choice. And that would be her crude, profanity-laced tirade at a lineswoman who dared to call a foot-fault on her.
For that little stunt, she got the biggest fine ever in women’s tennis and two years of probation at Grand Slam events. But it was not enough to deprive her of this title.
Apparently, if you’re a big enough sports star, the rules can be bent.
In fact, it’s hard to find a mega-jock who actually gets the punishment he/she deserves for various outbursts, embarrassments and crimes.
And, let’s be frank, it was a weak year for this competition.
How weak? Try this: The runner-up was a horse.
That’s right, No. 2 was Zenyatta, a 5-year-old who ended her 14-0 career by becoming the first filly to win the Breeders’ Cup Classic.
What a year in sports. A guy who sits throughout all of his competition won Male Athlete of the Year, and an animal came in second on the women’s side.
2010 has nowhere to go but up.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Athlete of the Year?
It’s been a bad year for awards. Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize without doing anything to deserve it. Ditto for Time naming Fed chief Ben Bernanke as Person of the Year.
And now a race-car driver has been named Male Athlete of the Year by the Associated Press.
Say it ain’t so, somebody.
Granted, Jimmie Johnson is a great race-car driver. He runs circles around the competition.
OK, I guess all NASCAR drivers run circles, but you know what I mean.
The problem with calling him an athlete is that he sits down while he’s doing his job.
Call me a traditionalist, but an athlete is someone who runs, jumps or does something with a ball.
A guy who does what a taxicab driver does is not an athlete – even if he does it really well.
Heck, I think golf and bowling barely qualify as truly athletic events, but I’ll let ’em in.
The real athlete of the year was Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, who set amazing records that may never be equaled – and demolished the previous record times while doing so.
Bolt’s runs were something that happens once in a generation in his sport.
J.J. is the first race-car driver to win this award in its 78-year history.
Let’s hope he’s the last.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tiger's troubles
When Tigergate broke, all the taking heads assured us it wouldn't affect Tiger Woods' "marketability" or his "brand."
That was a dozen bimbos ago.
This thing is getting raunchier than a bachelor party at a biker bar.
Every day seems to bring another trashy gal, another sordid twist, another tease about nude photos of Tiger or romps in his own home or God knows what.
If a fourth of this stuff turns out to be true, Tiger's image will not recover. Nor should it.
And keep in mind we are still in the early stages of this soap opera. The tell-all books, the revealing interviews, the divorce drama have not even begun. 2010 could be the real Year of the Tiger.
Well before this onslaught, it has slowly sunk in to John and Jane Q. Public that Tiger had a Jekyl and Hyde personality.
It is hard to remember any celebrity who had a bigger difference between his squeaky clean public persona and his nasty private life.
Some day Tiger will presumably go back to winning tournaments and cementing his reputation as the greatest golfer ever.
But it will never be the same.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Happy talk
Happy holidays. And I mean it.
Once again, federal employees trying heroically to burn through this glut of unspent cash that is choking our treasury, have come up with their annual happiness survey of the 50 states and the District of Columbia.
And there are smiles all around. Well, in the “happy” states there are. In the “non-happy” states, there are mostly frowns.
The three happiest states are Louisiana, Hawaii and Florida.
No surprise there, unless you thought the Hawaiians should have been on top. I mean, all they do down there is sip fizzy drinks with umbrellas in them on while lazing on beautiful beaches as suntanned bodies cavort around them – with a peppy Don Ho tune in the background. If that doesn’t make you happy, you need to check your pulse.
As for Louisiana being No. 1, well, that’s not unexpected either. Louisianans are glad they are not in Mississippi and happy they are close to Texas. (We came out a respectable No. 15, so take that Oklahoma, No. 21.)
Floridians were in a good mood this year. If you survey them in a year when they have been creamed by several hurricanes, the rating would be a tad lower.
The three unhappiest states were Michigan, Connecticut and New York.
Michigan, I feel sorry for. Ten years ago, it was the car capital of America. Now it’s the bankruptcy and unemployment capital of America. Big difference.
But as for Connecticut and New York, serves ’em right.
How would you like to live in state that few people can spell?
And New Yorkers have finally figured out that the rest of the country does not envy them or want to live in their frozen, polluted, high-tax state.
Below is the entire list; read ’em and weep. Or smile, if your favorite state is near the top:
1. Louisiana
2. Hawaii
3. Florida
4. Tennessee
5. Arizona
6. South Carolina
7. Mississippi
8. Montana
9. Alabama
10. Maine
11. Wyoming
12. Alaska
13. North Carolina
14. South Dakota
15. Texas
16. Idaho
17. Vermont
18. Arkansas
19. Georgia
20. Utah
21. Oklahoma
22. Delaware
23. Colorado
24. New Mexico
25. North Dakota
26. Minnesota
27. Virginia
28. New Hampshire
29. Wisconsin
30. Oregon
31. Iowa
32. Kansas
33. Nebraska
34. West Virginia
35. Kentucky
36. Washington
37. District of Columbia
38. Missouri
39. Nevada
40. Maryland
41. Pennsylvania
42. Rhode Island
43. Ohio
44. Massachusetts
45. Illinois
46. California
47. New Jersey
48. Indiana
49. Michigan
50. Connecticut
51. New York
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Dead drunk
You gotta hand it to Chinese police captain Xie Feiyong and the family of the late traffic officer Chen Lusheng.
They gave it the old college try. They tried to get ol’ Chen honored as a police “martyr.” Instead the big shots found out that “Chugalug” Chen died from a drinking binge.
Oh, how our idols crumble.
The sordid truth is that Chen got dead drunk at a banquet after work, barfed, passed out on a couch and suffocated.
Not very glamorous.
But Chen’s captain knew that wouldn’t look good in The Official Report. And Chen’s family wanted a bigger payout for the loss of their loved one.
So they tried to say that Chen checked out in a work-related incident and was therefore some kind of hero. They basically blurred the lines between honoring the fallen and getting falling-down drunk.
Tsk, tsk.
Good thing the higher-ups wouldn’t play along. They preserved the glory of real heroes, and they didn’t waste The People’s taxes.
And they also don’t have to create a new badge featuring crossed shot glasses.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Casino battle royale
Say what you will about the French – and we all have – at least their judicial system still functions well.
For example, “A French court has split the jackpot from a casino slot machine between the woman who put in the money and the man who pulled the lever, ending months of argument between the two.”
Talk about your wisdom of Solomon. At least this is better than the court’s other option, which was seizing half the money for taxes and letting the peeved pair fight it out over the rest.
The duo should be satisfied with the decision. This way, each gets a million Euros, which is worth nearly $1.5 million in ’merican money.
Hey, they should be embarrassed to admit that it took two of them to operate a slot machine. … How do they handle cell phones or microwave ovens?
Next time they go casino-hopping, they should either draw up a detailed contract beforehand or simply split up with a handful of coins and head for different machines.
That’s the way a lot of couples do it on the boats across the river, under the theory that it “doubles their chances.”
Most times, it simply speeds up the emptying of their pockets, but I guess it wouldn’t be as much fun.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Panda matchmaking
Whatever happened to the good ol’ days, when visits by foreign leaders focused on trade, treaties and other “serious” subjects?
Now big shots from China and Australia are giving romantic advice to panda bears.
It's true; FDR and Churchill must be rolling over in their graves.
On a recent visit to the land Down Under, Chinese Ambassador Zhang Junsai dropped some heavy hints to a couple of pandas loaned from China to the Aussies.
"Who can rule out the possibility that the lucky girl will fall into the net of love and later have a lovely baby?" Zhang said. "This would be a great achievement of the joint Australia-China conservation program."
Pul-lease. Then the Aussie governor-general started sounding like Ann Landers, "Look after yourselves, keep healthy and active, eat your greens and maybe, when the time is right, think about starting a family,"
Hey, what about flossing after meals?
I say let Nature takes its course. If the pandas want to hear the pitter-patter of little claws around the den, they’ll make their move.
If not, well, there’s a new Duggar in this world every time you turn around.
… And by the way, who had the bright idea to name one of these pandas “Wang Wang”?
Friday, December 11, 2009
Hey 19
Those darned Duggars are at it again!
And by “it,” I mean that whole be-fruitful-and-multiply thing.
Mama Duggar has just given birth to her 19th (!) child. If this keeps up, their reality show will need a spinoff.
Gee whiz; haven’t these breeders ever seen the old TV show “Eight is Enough”? Guess not, as that was 11 kids ago.
You’d think that Mrs. D would be worn out by now.
She needs to tell hubby more often, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache FROM TAKING CARE OF 19 KIDS!”
Santa needs to bring Mr. D a vasectomy for Christmas.
Having a large family is one thing.
Having your own Zip Code is taking the concept a little too far.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tattoo you
Just when you think you’ve heard it all, well, you haven’t.
Like the thugs in Florida who have convinced a gullible judge to hire a cosmetologist at up to $150 a day to apply makeup to cover up their thuggish tattoos during their murder trial.
Seems that if the thugs looked like thugs, with their tattoos of swastikas and cusswords standing out, well, jurors might be more inclined to convict them.
So somebody’s hard-earned tax dollars will be spent to prettify the thugs and give them that choir-boy look that goes over a lot better.
What a load of crapola.
If they didn’t want to look like scummy crooks, they shouldn’t have gotten tattoos in prominent places.
Since they did and now have buyer’s remorse, they can cover ‘em up with bandages – or slather on their own makeup!
And if that somehow violates their precious rights, which I’m sure it does, the judge could issue them the hoodies that lowlifes love to wear.
I hate to see where a precedent like this will lead, but it won’t be pretty.
Whatever happened to the phrase that thousands of judges and moms and bosses have used for years:
“You want what? Hell, no. Sit down and shut up.”
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Tarnished Tiger
There is one good thing to come out of the Tiger Woods/2:30 a.m. crash/mistress fiasco.
And that would be that a member of the U.S. House is abandoning his bizarre effort to bestow the Congressional Gold Medal on Tiger.
Yes, Rep. Joe Baca (D-Calif.) is finally conceding this bogey.
The star-struck rep is withdrawing the bill he had filed “To provide for the award of a gold medal on behalf of the Congress to Tiger Woods, in recognition of his service to the nation in promoting excellence and good sportsmanship, and in breaking barriers with grace and dignity by showing that golf is a sport for all people.”
Yikes. Doesn’t this clown have anything better to do? Doesn’t he have any shame? Doesn’t he understand that this prestigious award is meant for truly special humanitarians and heroes, not jocks?
Of course the answers to the above questions are “no,” “no” and “no.”
Wacky Baca should have been censured by his House colleagues for Extreme Stupidity when he proposed this nonsense.
Then again, if a congressman got censured every time he committed Extreme Stupidity, nothing would get done in the House or Senate. (Which might not be a bad thing.)
Oh, and upon further review, I’d like to amend my previous statement that this is the only good thing to come out of the Tiger Woods/2:30 a.m. crash/mistress fiasco.
Another good thing – if you’re not Tiger or his poor wife, that is – is that late-night comedians now have lots of juicy material to work with.
And Tiger will have to very careful at future press conferences on how he uses words like “stroke,” “ball” and “shaft.”
Hey, someone had to point that out.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Delay of game
You gotta give Anthony Pierce this:
He may be a low-life killer, but he’s pretty good at avoiding the consequences.
How good? Try this: He’s been on death row … for nearly 32 years!
That’s right, taxpayers. More than three decades after he was convicted of killing the manager of a fried chicken joint in Houston, Tenacious Tony is still hanging on.
Or our boneheaded legal system is letting him hang on. And it’s not over yet.
An appeals court is going to hear new arguments that he had poor legal help in the past and is mentally impaired.
Are they serious?
I think the record reflects that Pierce had pretty darned good legal help over the past 32 years. That would be because his legal help has kept him alive for the past 32 years.
And how many times do you think these exact same arguments have been hashed and rehashed over the past 32 years? This guy has had three separate trials!
Sheesh. Can this story get any crazier?
Well, yes it can.
Back in 1979, soon after arriving for what would be a very, very long stay on Death Row, Pierce fatally stabbed another inmate!
And he still avoids the death penalty, decade after decade.
What a farce. Whatever you call this, it isn’t justice.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Back in the saddle
Like "Dugout Doug," I have returned.
Only not to the Philippines, but to bloggery.
Speaking of time off, does this ever happen to you?
When you're getting ready for a "stay-cation," you wonder how you will fill the time.
When it's over, you wonder how it zipped by so fast and why you didn't get everything done.
Hmmm.
That's all for now.
Something profound and provocative will be posted later. I hope.
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