Be back Jan. 4

It's time for one last "stay-cation" for '09.

I hope you had a blessed Christmas and will have a great new year. See you on Jan. 4

Until then, eat at least five servings of fruits or vegetables per day, perform at least 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise each day and floss rigorously every night. And drink plenty of water.

Unless you don't want to.

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Silly Swedes

It’s one thing to be persistent. No one likes a quitter.

But sometimes, you gotta face facts and throw in the towel. Or in the case of Gavle, Sweden, throw in the goat.

In that Swedish town, a giant straw goat is built each year as a Christmas tradition.

Don’t ask me why. Hey, we have some strange Christmas traditions too – like big discounts on large-screen TVs.

But for 24 times since the first straw goat was set up in 1966, some idiot has burned it down. According to the news story, “It has also been smashed several times, run over by a car and had its legs cut off.”

In other words, it’s a moron magnet. Inevitably, a bunch of Swedish kids get drunk or stoned and say to each other one night in late December, “Hey, let’s go burn down the goat!”

(OK, they probably say it in Swedish, but you get my point.)

And my larger point is that it’s hopeless. The thing has been torched so many times – and the night blaze is probably pretty impressive – that it’s a wonder it makes it through any Christmas at all.

For a couple of years town officials doused it in fireproof chemicals. But that made it "look like a brown terrier instead of a yellow straw goat," so they stopped that. And the burning resumed.

The way I see it, the Gavle town council needs to either make the goat out of metal, so it won’t burn, or fill it with TNT so it will wipe out the arsonists.

Or give up the tradition altogether and start offering big discounts on large-screen TVs.

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Athlete of the Year II?

In this space yesterday, a wise scholar opined eloquently about the AP’s choice for Male Athlete of the Year.

OK, it was me and I was just blogging, but the AP has done it again. It’s made a shaky choice for Female Athlete of the Year.

This time, the brain trust at the Associated Press chose Serena Williams as the leading lady of sports.

In terms of her accomplishments, she deserved it. Serena won two Grand Slams (Wimbledon and the Australian Open), and lost in the final of the other two. She and her sister Venus also won three Grand Slam doubles titles.

Unfortunately, it was Serena’s performance in one of the two individual Grand Slams that she lost that throws cold water on this choice. And that would be her crude, profanity-laced tirade at a lineswoman who dared to call a foot-fault on her.

For that little stunt, she got the biggest fine ever in women’s tennis and two years of probation at Grand Slam events. But it was not enough to deprive her of this title.

Apparently, if you’re a big enough sports star, the rules can be bent.

In fact, it’s hard to find a mega-jock who actually gets the punishment he/she deserves for various outbursts, embarrassments and crimes.

And, let’s be frank, it was a weak year for this competition.

How weak? Try this: The runner-up was a horse.

That’s right, No. 2 was Zenyatta, a 5-year-old who ended her 14-0 career by becoming the first filly to win the Breeders’ Cup Classic.

What a year in sports. A guy who sits throughout all of his competition won Male Athlete of the Year, and an animal came in second on the women’s side.

2010 has nowhere to go but up.

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Athlete of the Year?

It’s been a bad year for awards. Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize without doing anything to deserve it. Ditto for Time naming Fed chief Ben Bernanke as Person of the Year.

And now a race-car driver has been named Male Athlete of the Year by the Associated Press.

Say it ain’t so, somebody.

Granted, Jimmie Johnson is a great race-car driver. He runs circles around the competition.

OK, I guess all NASCAR drivers run circles, but you know what I mean.

The problem with calling him an athlete is that he sits down while he’s doing his job.

Call me a traditionalist, but an athlete is someone who runs, jumps or does something with a ball.

A guy who does what a taxicab driver does is not an athlete – even if he does it really well.

Heck, I think golf and bowling barely qualify as truly athletic events, but I’ll let ’em in.

The real athlete of the year was Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, who set amazing records that may never be equaled – and demolished the previous record times while doing so.

Bolt’s runs were something that happens once in a generation in his sport.

J.J. is the first race-car driver to win this award in its 78-year history.

Let’s hope he’s the last.

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Tiger's troubles

When Tigergate broke, all the taking heads assured us it wouldn't affect Tiger Woods' "marketability" or his "brand."

That was a dozen bimbos ago.

This thing is getting raunchier than a bachelor party at a biker bar.

Every day seems to bring another trashy gal, another sordid twist, another tease about nude photos of Tiger or romps in his own home or God knows what.

If a fourth of this stuff turns out to be true, Tiger's image will not recover. Nor should it.

And keep in mind we are still in the early stages of this soap opera. The tell-all books, the revealing interviews, the divorce drama have not even begun. 2010 could be the real Year of the Tiger.

Well before this onslaught, it has slowly sunk in to John and Jane Q. Public that Tiger had a Jekyl and Hyde personality.

It is hard to remember any celebrity who had a bigger difference between his squeaky clean public persona and his nasty private life.

Some day Tiger will presumably go back to winning tournaments and cementing his reputation as the greatest golfer ever.

But it will never be the same.

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Happy talk

Happy holidays. And I mean it.

Once again, federal employees trying heroically to burn through this glut of unspent cash that is choking our treasury, have come up with their annual happiness survey of the 50 states and the District of Columbia.

And there are smiles all around. Well, in the “happy” states there are. In the “non-happy” states, there are mostly frowns.

The three happiest states are Louisiana, Hawaii and Florida.

No surprise there, unless you thought the Hawaiians should have been on top. I mean, all they do down there is sip fizzy drinks with umbrellas in them on while lazing on beautiful beaches as suntanned bodies cavort around them – with a peppy Don Ho tune in the background. If that doesn’t make you happy, you need to check your pulse.

As for Louisiana being No. 1, well, that’s not unexpected either. Louisianans are glad they are not in Mississippi and happy they are close to Texas. (We came out a respectable No. 15, so take that Oklahoma, No. 21.)

Floridians were in a good mood this year. If you survey them in a year when they have been creamed by several hurricanes, the rating would be a tad lower.

The three unhappiest states were Michigan, Connecticut and New York.

Michigan, I feel sorry for. Ten years ago, it was the car capital of America. Now it’s the bankruptcy and unemployment capital of America. Big difference.

But as for Connecticut and New York, serves ’em right.

How would you like to live in state that few people can spell?

And New Yorkers have finally figured out that the rest of the country does not envy them or want to live in their frozen, polluted, high-tax state.

Below is the entire list; read ’em and weep. Or smile, if your favorite state is near the top:

1. Louisiana
2. Hawaii
3. Florida
4. Tennessee
5. Arizona
6. South Carolina
7. Mississippi
8. Montana
9. Alabama
10. Maine
11. Wyoming
12. Alaska
13. North Carolina
14. South Dakota
15. Texas
16. Idaho
17. Vermont
18. Arkansas
19. Georgia
20. Utah
21. Oklahoma
22. Delaware
23. Colorado
24. New Mexico
25. North Dakota
26. Minnesota
27. Virginia
28. New Hampshire
29. Wisconsin
30. Oregon
31. Iowa
32. Kansas
33. Nebraska
34. West Virginia
35. Kentucky
36. Washington
37. District of Columbia
38. Missouri
39. Nevada
40. Maryland
41. Pennsylvania
42. Rhode Island
43. Ohio
44. Massachusetts
45. Illinois
46. California
47. New Jersey
48. Indiana
49. Michigan
50. Connecticut
51. New York

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Dead drunk

You gotta hand it to Chinese police captain Xie Feiyong and the family of the late traffic officer Chen Lusheng.

They gave it the old college try. They tried to get ol’ Chen honored as a police “martyr.” Instead the big shots found out that “Chugalug” Chen died from a drinking binge.

Oh, how our idols crumble.

The sordid truth is that Chen got dead drunk at a banquet after work, barfed, passed out on a couch and suffocated.

Not very glamorous.

But Chen’s captain knew that wouldn’t look good in The Official Report. And Chen’s family wanted a bigger payout for the loss of their loved one.

So they tried to say that Chen checked out in a work-related incident and was therefore some kind of hero. They basically blurred the lines between honoring the fallen and getting falling-down drunk.

Tsk, tsk.

Good thing the higher-ups wouldn’t play along. They preserved the glory of real heroes, and they didn’t waste The People’s taxes.

And they also don’t have to create a new badge featuring crossed shot glasses.

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Casino battle royale

Say what you will about the French – and we all have – at least their judicial system still functions well.

For example, “A French court has split the jackpot from a casino slot machine between the woman who put in the money and the man who pulled the lever, ending months of argument between the two.”

Talk about your wisdom of Solomon. At least this is better than the court’s other option, which was seizing half the money for taxes and letting the peeved pair fight it out over the rest.

The duo should be satisfied with the decision. This way, each gets a million Euros, which is worth nearly $1.5 million in ’merican money.

Hey, they should be embarrassed to admit that it took two of them to operate a slot machine. … How do they handle cell phones or microwave ovens?

Next time they go casino-hopping, they should either draw up a detailed contract beforehand or simply split up with a handful of coins and head for different machines.

That’s the way a lot of couples do it on the boats across the river, under the theory that it “doubles their chances.”

Most times, it simply speeds up the emptying of their pockets, but I guess it wouldn’t be as much fun.

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Panda matchmaking

Whatever happened to the good ol’ days, when visits by foreign leaders focused on trade, treaties and other “serious” subjects?

Now big shots from China and Australia are giving romantic advice to panda bears.

It's true; FDR and Churchill must be rolling over in their graves.

On a recent visit to the land Down Under, Chinese Ambassador Zhang Junsai dropped some heavy hints to a couple of pandas loaned from China to the Aussies.

"Who can rule out the possibility that the lucky girl will fall into the net of love and later have a lovely baby?" Zhang said. "This would be a great achievement of the joint Australia-China conservation program."

Pul-lease. Then the Aussie governor-general started sounding like Ann Landers, "Look after yourselves, keep healthy and active, eat your greens and maybe, when the time is right, think about starting a family,"

Hey, what about flossing after meals?

I say let Nature takes its course. If the pandas want to hear the pitter-patter of little claws around the den, they’ll make their move.

If not, well, there’s a new Duggar in this world every time you turn around.

… And by the way, who had the bright idea to name one of these pandas “Wang Wang”?

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Hey 19

Those darned Duggars are at it again!

And by “it,” I mean that whole be-fruitful-and-multiply thing.

Mama Duggar has just given birth to her 19th (!) child. If this keeps up, their reality show will need a spinoff.

Gee whiz; haven’t these breeders ever seen the old TV show “Eight is Enough”? Guess not, as that was 11 kids ago.

You’d think that Mrs. D would be worn out by now.

She needs to tell hubby more often, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache FROM TAKING CARE OF 19 KIDS!”

Santa needs to bring Mr. D a vasectomy for Christmas.

Having a large family is one thing.

Having your own Zip Code is taking the concept a little too far.

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Tattoo you

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, well, you haven’t.

Like the thugs in Florida who have convinced a gullible judge to hire a cosmetologist at up to $150 a day to apply makeup to cover up their thuggish tattoos during their murder trial.

Seems that if the thugs looked like thugs, with their tattoos of swastikas and cusswords standing out, well, jurors might be more inclined to convict them.

So somebody’s hard-earned tax dollars will be spent to prettify the thugs and give them that choir-boy look that goes over a lot better.

What a load of crapola.

If they didn’t want to look like scummy crooks, they shouldn’t have gotten tattoos in prominent places.

Since they did and now have buyer’s remorse, they can cover ‘em up with bandages – or slather on their own makeup!

And if that somehow violates their precious rights, which I’m sure it does, the judge could issue them the hoodies that lowlifes love to wear.

I hate to see where a precedent like this will lead, but it won’t be pretty.

Whatever happened to the phrase that thousands of judges and moms and bosses have used for years:

“You want what? Hell, no. Sit down and shut up.”

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Tarnished Tiger

There is one good thing to come out of the Tiger Woods/2:30 a.m. crash/mistress fiasco.

And that would be that a member of the U.S. House is abandoning his bizarre effort to bestow the Congressional Gold Medal on Tiger.

Yes, Rep. Joe Baca (D-Calif.) is finally conceding this bogey.

The star-struck rep is withdrawing the bill he had filed “To provide for the award of a gold medal on behalf of the Congress to Tiger Woods, in recognition of his service to the nation in promoting excellence and good sportsmanship, and in breaking barriers with grace and dignity by showing that golf is a sport for all people.”

Yikes. Doesn’t this clown have anything better to do? Doesn’t he have any shame? Doesn’t he understand that this prestigious award is meant for truly special humanitarians and heroes, not jocks?

Of course the answers to the above questions are “no,” “no” and “no.”

Wacky Baca should have been censured by his House colleagues for Extreme Stupidity when he proposed this nonsense.

Then again, if a congressman got censured every time he committed Extreme Stupidity, nothing would get done in the House or Senate. (Which might not be a bad thing.)

Oh, and upon further review, I’d like to amend my previous statement that this is the only good thing to come out of the Tiger Woods/2:30 a.m. crash/mistress fiasco.

Another good thing – if you’re not Tiger or his poor wife, that is – is that late-night comedians now have lots of juicy material to work with.

And Tiger will have to very careful at future press conferences on how he uses words like “stroke,” “ball” and “shaft.”

Hey, someone had to point that out.

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Delay of game

You gotta give Anthony Pierce this:

He may be a low-life killer, but he’s pretty good at avoiding the consequences.

How good? Try this: He’s been on death row … for nearly 32 years!

That’s right, taxpayers. More than three decades after he was convicted of killing the manager of a fried chicken joint in Houston, Tenacious Tony is still hanging on.

Or our boneheaded legal system is letting him hang on. And it’s not over yet.

An appeals court is going to hear new arguments that he had poor legal help in the past and is mentally impaired.

Are they serious?

I think the record reflects that Pierce had pretty darned good legal help over the past 32 years. That would be because his legal help has kept him alive for the past 32 years.

And how many times do you think these exact same arguments have been hashed and rehashed over the past 32 years? This guy has had three separate trials!

Sheesh. Can this story get any crazier?

Well, yes it can.

Back in 1979, soon after arriving for what would be a very, very long stay on Death Row, Pierce fatally stabbed another inmate!

And he still avoids the death penalty, decade after decade.

What a farce. Whatever you call this, it isn’t justice.

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Back in the saddle

Like "Dugout Doug," I have returned.

Only not to the Philippines, but to bloggery.

Speaking of time off, does this ever happen to you?

When you're getting ready for a "stay-cation," you wonder how you will fill the time.

When it's over, you wonder how it zipped by so fast and why you didn't get everything done.

Hmmm.

That's all for now.

Something profound and provocative will be posted later. I hope.

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