So after several decades of sponsoring terrorism across the globe, Iran is suddenly ticked off that a few of its own crazies got taken out by a suicide bomber.
Pardon me if I don’t shed any tears. In fact, it’s hard to keep from jumping up and cheering.
The carnage in question occurred last week in an Iranian town near the Pakistani border. A dissident group of Sunnis is suspected, but whoever did it studied the Iranian playbook well.
The suicide bomber struck a high-level delegation of Revolutionary Guard commanders. Those are the real haters who run the country and make sure to crush anyone who might get uppity ideas about freedom.
The bomber hit the jackpot. He killed at least 42 people, including five senior Revolutionary Guard officers.
Yeah, I know, you’re not supposed to do the wave at times like this. But the Revolutionary Guard in Iran is responsible for thousands of deaths just like this via the terrorist groups it arms from Afghanistan to Algeria.
Finally, they got a taste of their own medicine.
Hope they choked on it.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Boomerang
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Trust but verify
I haven’t been this stunned since I learned the truth about the Easter Bunny. Brace yourselves:
Tabloid newspapers print all kinds of crap that isn’t true.
You read that right. A British filmmaker has admitted duping tabloids by planting all kinds of fake stories.
He and his cohorts would phone in some nonsense — like Amy Winehouse’s beehive hairdo catching fire — and it would be in print the next morning.
Again and again they lobbed false information like grenades of deception over the walls of truth. Again and again it was printed and taken as gospel by the people who buy tabloids at checkout stands.
I feel violated. I’ve gone my whole life believing that Elvis appears now and then, that aliens abduct night fishermen, that secret machines are still being discovered in the pyramids and that Marilyn Monroe was killed by the CIA because she was in on a plot to kill JFK.
Now, apparently none of that is true. … Maybe the part about Marilyn Monroe, but not the rest.
What a sad day. Next you’ll be telling me that half the crap on the Internet is bogus too.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Mr. Big
This guy was a big criminal. Literally.
Stephon Turo, a drug dealer being sentenced in Auburn, N.Y., weighed about 600 pounds.
He was hauled to court on the back of a pickup truck. He was sentenced near the loading dock. Then he was loaded into an ambulance with the help of 10 people and shipped to prison.
Talk about your scales of justice. I think the judge was just happy to get rid of him before lunch.
The real question is, how could tubby Turo commit any crimes?
The news story said he “suffers from various staph and strep infections, kidney failure and can walk only a few feet, even with the assistance of other people.”
Still, prosecutors said he was selling prescription drugs from his home for nearly 10 years.
I’m guessing he didn’t mess with diet drugs.
The next question is, what do you do with a lump of lawbreakin' like that?
I don’t think he could share a cell with anyone. And you’d have to keep him on the ground floor.
On the plus side, if the prison had a football team he could play “offensive line.”
And I don’t think you’d have to worry about him tunneling to freedom.
Since he’s got a two-year sentence, the prison shouldn’t feed him until he gets out. That would get him down to normal size by his release date, and save taxpayers a few bucks too.
Just call it “weight management” if the ACLU squawks.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Pouting Polanski
Poor, poor Roman Polanski.
The brilliant director is said to be glum about his continued incarceration in Switzerland for that little incident way back in ’77 (the rape of a 13-year-old girl).
“I found him to be tired and depressed,” his lawyer said. He added that the Artistic Genius “was in an unsettled state of mind.”
That is, of course, unfortunate. No matter how much other Artistic Geniuses in Hollywood and Paris demand his immediate release, the petty Swiss seem determined to keep Polanski in the slammer.
Moreover, they will probably — gasp, horrors! — stick him on a plane for the states, where he will spend many, many more days behind bars.
They’re not even buying his solemn promises to stay in Switzerland if they let him out on bail!
Is that any way to treat an Artistic Genius!
Uh … yes.
Polanski has dodged justice on this one for 32 years. But the old man stupidly went to a country that will extradite him. So now he’s basically screwed, blued and tattooed.
How sweet it is.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Buffaloed
It was a truly senseless crime.
That would be, of course, the theft of a statue of Thurman Thomas.
You see, for some reason a wood carver in New York created a huge statue of the former Buffalo Bills running back. No one seems to know why.
The Bill and Thomas are only known, to the extent they are known at all, for losing four Super Bowls.
This is not the sort of thing one tends to memorialize. I mean, when was the last time you were in the William Jennings Bryan presidential library?
Even more absurd is that then someone stole the thing. And it was not easy, as it stood 8½ feet tall and weighed over half a ton.
And they took it the day after it was unveiled! Were they worried that another gang of thieves would beat them to it?
If that is the only thing worth stealing in Orchard Park, N.Y., that town is in serious trouble.
The only logical answer here is that someone wanted to stock up on firewood for the coming brutal winter in upstate New York.
Even then, if I was the owner and I got a ransom call, I'd tell the crooks, “We can discuss a price … but only if you pay me to take it off your hands?”
Friday, October 09, 2009
Three-time loser
If you’re gonna fiddle with homemade explosives, you really should be careful.
A crook named Ben Kuzelka wasn’t, but that’s no surprise. He already had a pot-growing operation at a home that was licensed by the state as a day care center.
Kuzelka’s hat trick of foolishness was uncovered this week in California when he blew off most of one hand. He told the emergency room doctors it was a gunshot wound, but they were suspicious.
To them, and anyone who didn’t have the benefit of medical school, it looked waaay more like the whole thing was darn near blown off.
So they called the cops, the cops searched his house, and they found the indoor pot farm right by the day care.
Maybe Kuzelka though it would be a selling point for hip parents: Drop off the kid, pick up a lid.
At any rate, he will now have a lot of time to think about the error of his ways … and why many idiots who fiddle with homemade explosives are often nicknamed “Stumpy.”
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Northern exposure
Like many of you, I was shocked at the news that the guy who almost married Sarah Palin’s daughter was going to pose nude for Playgirl magazine.
Who knew that Playgirl was still around? I though it fizzled out in the ’80s with other tacky rags like “Oui.”
Wait, there’s more; this story is disturbing on other levels as well.
Who on God’s earth wants to see Levi Johnston in the buff? His sole claim to fame is knocking up Palin’s daughter.
He couldn’t even complete the second half of the double play; he didn’t even get hitched to Bristol, whom I believe is named after a city in Connecticut. For that matter, I believe the father of her child is named after a brand of blue jeans.
Can this tale get worse? As Sarah would say, “You betcha!”
The news story said that “To get ready for his close-up, Johnston is training three hours a day, six nights a week at an Anchorage gym with a local body builder.”
In other words, instead of looking like the pudgy, untoned kid he is, he will look sort-of hunky for the photo shoot. Whatever happened to truth in advertising?
You know the day after the pics, he will go back to Ding Dongs and Dr Pepper.
Yet he will carry around copies of Playgirl and show them to impressionable girls in dingy Anchorage bars (yes, I know that is redundant), who will think they are getting the chance of a lifetime with Someone Glamorous.
Sad. Very sad.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Buccaneer’s luck
There must be a worldwide outbreak of stupid this week.
Now we have Somali pirates who attacked a French warship in the Indian Ocean because they thought it was an unarmed cargo vessel.
Not smart.
On one side, we have a handful of lightly armed pirates on two skiffs.
On the other side, we have an 525-foot naval vessel filled with dozens of French sailors.
You make the call.
Maybe the Somalis believed all that talk about the French being more inclined to surrender rather than fight.
As it is, one skiff got away in the skirmish and it took the French an hour to run down the other one.
Or maybe the French warship didn’t look like a warship because of that café on deck with a bunch of guys wearing berets and a bunch of gals in tight skirts drinking wine.
... OK, I made up that last part, but with the French, you never know.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Take the money and run II
In yesterday’s contribution to blogitude, we lamented the poor state of modern robbery.
After reading the tale of woe of a certain Susan Stanford, we can add that the art of divorce isn’t what it used to be either.
Susan is the former wife of disgraced billionaire R. Allen Stanford, who is facing many years in a small room with iron bars for a $7 billion (!) Ponzi scheme.
Because of that little problem with the law, R. Allen Stanford is now so broke he needs a court-appointed attorney.
Serves him right — and the same goes for Susie. You see, she stopped living with R. Allen 15 years ago. For some reason, she never got around to divorcing him. It could be because he agreed to keep writing laarrrge checks each month from the proceeds of his, uh, business venture.
Anyhoo, now that R. Allen is a non-billionaire, Susan is mighty cheesed off. She realizes she should have taken the money and run when R. Allen still had money to take.
In fact, she is now suing her former divorce lawyer for not telling her about an alleged $200 million offer that R. Allen dangled a few years ago.
Frankly, they deserve each other. The news account says that before the feds looked at the books, R. Allen “lived in the Caribbean with a series of younger women with whom he has fathered several children.”
Now, of course, both of them have pretty much nothin’. I think that’s what English teachers call “poetic justice.”
Monday, October 05, 2009
Take the money and run
Once again we return to a common theme of this blog:
Robbers or robbery victims who just can’t seem to get it right.
Previously, we have discussed robbers who are too lazy to get out of their cars in the drive-through lane — and use a knife! Or young robbers who get beat up by old victims.
The latest affront to Robbery Etiquette comes from Waterloo, Iowa. A crazy-looking man stumbled into a convenience store and started rambling as he held his hand in his pocket.
The jumpy clerks, having been knocked off twice in recent months, didn’t fool around. They knew it was another heist, so they started giving cash to the thug. In fact, they threw a bag of money at him.
One small problem. It wasn’t a robbery. The friendly neighborhood creep was just another drunk.
To prove it, he didn’t take the money and run. He just walked out, whereupon he was promptly arrested for “public intoxication, disorderly conduct and interference.”
I didn’t know that interference was a crime in Iowa. I know it’s a defensive foul in football that causes a first down, but a crime, no.
At any rate, this whole sordid mess just reinforces a lingering problem we have in this country these days: We can’t even have a proper robbery without one party or the other goofing up. What happened to the good ol’ days, when stickup men were men and frightened clerks were glad of it?
... I just hope Osama bin Laden isn’t watching.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Comrades not welcome at glorious people’s parade
The Red Chinese held a big ol’ parade on Thursday through the heart of Beijing. It was the 60th anniversary of the founding of their glorious people’s republic.
But there was a curious thing about the huge spectacle; no spectators were allowed.
That’s right, proletarian breath. As the AP said, “Most people in the capital could only watch the elaborate ceremony for the founding of the People’s Republic unfold on national television, as tight security excluded ordinary people from getting near the parade route through Tiananmen Square.”
Now whether you’re in Buna or Beaumont, you’re probably thinking, “What the heck is wrong with them darned Chinese? What good is a parade without parade-watchers?”
Well, my friend, the answer is that the one thing the commissars fear most in the people’s republic … is the people!
The Chi-Coms know full well that if they let average citizens assemble and speak out, they could have a nasty replay of the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989, when the ungrateful people started clamoring for freedom, democracy and other dangerous Western notions.
Even though the Chinese government is relatively loosey-goosey for your average commie dictatorship, it doesn’t want the people getting a bunch of uppity ideas. Public gatherings are tightly monitored and few organizations are allowed to exist outside the loving embrace of the Big Red Machine.
Hence the non-crowd at the big parade. I guess it's what you'd call a Communist party.
… On the bright side, if you were one of the few carefully screened guests allowed curbside, you probably got a whole bunch of candy from the nice lady throwing handfuls of it from the Tribute to Collective Farming float.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Mind games
If there’s anything better than a good cat fight, it’s a good psychic fight.
And a real barn-burner is going on in normally placid Connecticut.
First one psychic in the Constitution State said she was beaten up by a thug sent by rival psychics. Maybe she was horning in on their territory or getting the best booth at the state fair. Who knows.
At any rate, the alleged victim was Janet Lee, who bills herself as the “foremost psychic in New England.”
That’s juicy enough. But now Lee has been charged with lying about the incident.
Hoo-boy. This raises a reeallly obvious question.
Lee, for example, said she suspected rival psychics in the alleged beat-down because some people were leaving threatening phone messages — and this is a verbatim quote from the news story — “but she did not know their names."
Uh, why not? She’s a psychic, ain’t she? And not just your run-of-the-mill palm-reader/fortune-teller, but the “foremost psychic in New England.” Why can’t she just scrunch up her special brain and spit out their IDs?
Right now you’re probably thinking, “Hell, she can’t do that because she’s no more a ‘psychic’ than I’m an astronaut.”
I'm thinking the same thing. But then, you probably read my mind on that one.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Four on the floor
A Toyota was involved in a nasty crash recently in which the floor mat may have jammed the accelerator.
That’s bad. What happened next is a major overreaction.
Before we get to that however, it should be noted that a stuck accelerator is every driver’s nightmare.
I believe you are supposed to shift the transmission into neutral or turn off the engine when that happens.
Plan B would be running into something soft, or at least non-hard. A gently sloping pond or a wide expanse of desert comes to mind, but I know they aren’t always around when you need 'em.
Personally, I hope I never have to deal with a car going 90 mph and me and the passengers screaming like the front row of a Jonas Brothers concert. Driving on “the tunnel” on I-10 through Orange was adventurous enough.
Anyway, in this case Toyota is reacting to the problem by recalling the whopping number of 3.8 million vehicles. That is — drum roll, please — the largest auto recall in U.S. history.
Wouldn’t it be simpler for Toyota to mail owners a coupon for free mats, or ask them to drop by the dealer for a switcheroo?
Or, easiest of all, tell drivers to cut about 3 inches off their floor mats.
Whatever. By the way, with all the brilliant engineers at Toyota who have produced one of the finest automobile lines in the modern era, how come nobody noticed the stupid floor mat was too long?
Monday, September 28, 2009
Deal with it , Stanford
This is one of those tales where you have to read between the lines. The first sentence from the AP story says it all:
“Texas financier R. Allen Stanford has been returned to a lockup after being hospitalized for treatment of a concussion following a jail fight.”
What happened is something reminiscent of Tom Wolfe’s novel “Bonfire of the Vanities.” A rich guy with manicured fingernails goes to jail, where he is brutalized by the street punks who populate most “correctional facilities.”
At one level, you feel sorry for the rich guy. He’s already behind bars, and now he has to deal with thugs and creeps who want to do bad things to him.
On the other hand, it’s kinda hard to feel much sympathy for sharpies like R. Allen Stanford. (And why do so many tycoons have first initials followed by an actual name?)
Stanford is charged with running a mind-boggling Ponzi scheme that sucked in $7 billion. Not million, billion.
Investors in the “Stanford Financial Group” have been reamed. They will see little of their money ever again. Maybe none of it.
Yeah, maybe some of them were greedy and believed the typically ridiculous claims of double-digit returns every year.
But darn it, the story behind the story on scams like this is people losing their life savings or money they planned to retire on. We're talking thousands and thousands of folks like your parents or that nice old couple down the street.
The scum who knowingly bilk decent people of money like that deserve to go behind bars for a long, long time.
And if they get roughed up by low-lifes and goons while they’re there, well, that’s just too bad.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Man on fire
Faithful readers of this blog will recall my rant on Monday about a bunch of Hungarians who got together to set the world record for “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”
That was mildly eccentric. This other world record is flat-out lunatic.
And that would be, of course, the record for the most people on fire simultaneously.
No, that is not a misprint. On Saturday, 17 people in Ohio will try to carve out a place in history by becoming the largest number of people performing a full body burn simultaneously.
And if you can believe this, the fun-fest was co-organized by the Ohio Burn Unit.
Ouch. This sounds like a reaaallly bad idea, but one news account says reassuringly about the group, “They have all practiced and been set on fire individually over the past 8 months in preparation for this.”
Uh, exactly how to you practice being set on fire? On second thought, I don’t want to know. I would surmise that their favorite movie is, "Up in Smoke."
I wish them luck, I guess. Their prize ought to include a free therapy session at the nearest psychiatric clinic.
… And by the way, this may seem harsh, but wasn’t the world record for the most people on fire simultaneously set in Dresden, Germany, on Feb. 13, 1945?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Going postal — big time
We are not surprised when we learn from time to time that postal carriers have been stealing mail instead of delivering it.
We have come to expect such behavior because A) some people are crooked and because, well, B) the Postal Service is the Postal Service.
But what can we make of Myles Weathers, a former carrier in Massachusetts? He pleaded guilty this week to stealing more than … 30,000 DVDs he was supposed to deliver!
This has to be some kind of world record. Weathers wasn’t just a thief, he was a conglomerate.
And why did it take Netflix, the company being ripped off, so long to figure out it had a problem? As many as 100 DVDs a week were disappearing into the void.
Jeez, how many times can you watch “Iron Man” or “WALL-E”?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The mystery behind Cooper’s canning
So the Houston Astros have fired another manager for poor performance. Nothing unusual there; it happens every few years.
What is surprising about the canning of Cecil Cooper, however, is the timing.
The team pulled the plug on Monday, just 13 games before another miserable season staggered to a close. Why not wait until then, like virtually every other team that is going to change managers?
General Manager Ed Wade gave a completely ridiculous non-explanation: “I thought it was going to be awkward to go all the way to the end of the season, come back from New York and make a move. The practicality of it didn’t make sense and now we can put Dave (Clark) in place, we can have a different set of circumstances working here for two weeks.”
Read through that again and see if it “makes sense.” If you don’t want to waste the time, that’s understandable. It doesn’t have any logic, especially that convoluted line about how “the practicality of it didn’t make sense.”
The real reason the Astros fired Cooper on Monday is that after his latest loss, his career record stood at 171-170.
I really think they wanted to make sure he ended his career with a winning record — even by one game. It’s even possible that Coop was consulted on the timing and he agreed it was better to go out with a plus record.
Crazier things have happened in baseball.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Broken record
Apparently all the important world records have already been set.
We are reduced to competition like “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”
You read that right, Guinness-breath. A bunch of Hungarians got together on Sunday to see if they could collectively make their mark on history by becoming “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”
They did, in fact. A total of 5,317 of these losers, I mean world record-holders, gathered together to draw in chalk along the Andrassy Boulevard in Budapest. They smashed the previous record of 3,652 people drawing in one place at one time. (Personally, I knew that record would never last.)
What’s funny, or I mean even funnier than the goofy record itself, is that this mass drawing was held during something called European Mobility Week to — now get this — raise environmental awareness.
First of all, drawing on pavement does not promote mobility. I’m pretty sure you have to sit or squat in one place to do that.
Secondly, how in the name of Gaia does this “raise environmental awareness”? If anything, it sounds kind of eco-unfriendly. The first rain will wash all that chalk into storm sewers and probably kill salamanders or something.
If those darned Europeans want to “raise environmental awareness,” they should do what we do:
Observe something called Earth Day in which we drive our gas-guzzlers to a a pretty park to sip overpriced water from non-biodegradable bottles and walk all over the grass and listen to speakers telling us to reduce our carbon footprint.
At least the sidewalks are free of silly scribblings when it’s over.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Ahoy, mateys
As if we don’t have enough holidays to deal with, Saturday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
That’s right, you landlubbin’ sapsucker. Bring me a noggin’ o’ rum or I’ll run ya through!
That is pirate lingo. If I knew any more, I’d let you have it. Perhaps it’s a good thing that I don’t.
At least all you have to do on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is talk like a pirate. I don’t think you have to give gifts or send cards. (Rum drinking is encouraged, however.)
But we have to be careful with letting just anyone add another holiday to the chock-full calendar, even one as, uh, interesting as this one.
Even Congress has a committee that decides when to celebrate National Rutabaga Day to make sure it doesn’t conflict with Barn Appreciation Week.
So have a grand fest, and may the devil take your soul if you ever give quarter or ask for it.
I’ll see you on national Walk Like An Egyptian Day.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
He’s with stupid
Meet Doug Jones, the most annoyingly stupid man of the year.
Why? Because for more than a year he threw thousands of golf balls into Joshua Tree National Park in California, supposedly to “honor deceased golfers.”
As if that weren’t bad enough, this rocket scientist “also scattered a few tennis balls and park literature and left fruit and vegetables along park roads,” according to the AP.
The food, in case you are interested, was for "stranded hikers." Uh-huh.
Park rangers spent 370 hours cleaning up his litter/offerings.
No word on the punishment, but I’d think about chaining him to a stake in a reeaally remote part of the park for a few nights.
If it scares the crap out of him and he lives, he probably won’t repeat his stunt.
If a mountain lion or bear has other plans in store for him, well, no great loss.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Senate smackdown?
Now hold on just a darned minute.
Pro wrestling executive Linda McMahon wants to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Connecticut!
Is she serious? Doesn’t she know that the Senate is “the world’s most exclusive club,” a place where earnest leaders debate important issues with dignity and wisdom?
Pro wresting is filled with fakes and loonies who pull off ridiculous stunts.
The people who run this “sport” think the public actually buys the hokum they are peddling. They often insult the intelligence and character of the very fans they court.
Real leadership is almost nonexistent. And there have been more than a few scandals involving sex and money.
… OK, I guess she would fit in nicely. You go girl.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Snuggie time!
The calendar says winter hasn’t “officially” arrived yet, but who are you gonna believe, that silly piece of paper or … your Snuggie?
It’s no contest.
The Snuggie, generally described as a blanket with sleeves, is making another run on the fashion front.
It’s about time.
Before Snuggies came along, people were cold in the winter.
If they tried to cover their shivering selves with a blanket, they couldn’t get their hands out from underneath those infernal piles of cloth to eat popcorn or change channels on the remote.
I guy I stood next to in line at Starbucks said there were several confirmed cases of people starving within inches of full bowls of popcorn — or being forced to watch The Weather Channel for hours at a time.
OK, lots of strange people watch The Weather Channel for hours at a time. Maybe you’re one of them. But the Starbucks guy insists the popcorn-bowl story is true.
Personally, I don’t want to take a chance. You can have my Snuggie … when you pry it from my frozen fingers. That is, if it ever gets below 40 degrees in tropical Texas.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Ooops
Faithful readers will recall my rant last week about the Wendy’s employee who cooperated with a robber in the drive-through lane … even though he only had a knife!
A little employer guidance could have avoided that loss. On the other hand, a New Jersey pharmacy owner went overboard in the robbery-training department.
You see, one day in 2007 when a masked gunman burst into the pharmacy demanding OxyContin, employee Babette Perry was understandably upset. The Robber Person even said he was holding another employee hostage. And when Babette tried to call for help, the phone wouldn’t work!
Sounds like a bad scene, the kind Babette might have nightmares over — if she survived!
Well, guess what: It was just a drill, designed to teach employees how to handle the occasional drug-crazed armed robber. The kind of thing you laugh about at the employee picnic.
Poor Babette didn’t get the joke. Now she’s suing for post-traumatic stress disorder.
… No word if she’s working at Wendy’s in the meantime.
Friday, September 11, 2009
More bacon, please
So Gertrude Baines has finally left this earth.
That’s something to take note of, because when she died Friday she was the world’s oldest person.
Gertrude Baines was an astounding 115 years old. She was born in 1894, long before the age of automobiles, television, airplanes, etc.
What’s most amazing about this remarkable woman, however, was her diet.
She loved to eat fried chicken, bacon and ice cream.
You read that right. Not granola, yogurt, tofu and other things that are good for you.
When her doctor last visited her earlier in the week, she complained that her bacon was soggy!
All her life, she chowed down on the “wrong” stuff.
Yet she outlived almost every other human being ever born. And her doctor said that up until the end, “She was in excellent shape. She was mentally alert.”
… Anyone for a triple cheeseburger washed down with a creamy shake?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
More nines!
I realize that you are trying to come down off the buzz and the exhilaration from 09/09/09, but it’s difficult.
And stories like this don’t make it any easier.
A baby born in La Crosse, Wis., at 9:09 a.m. on 09/09/09 weighed 9 pounds 9 ounces!
And that day of the week was “Wednesday” — which just happens to have 9 letters in it!
I know; right now you’re saying things like “amazing” or “fantastic!”
… Or -- and I'd lay 9 to 1 odds on this -- possibly, “Who cares?”
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Thank you for robbing us, please come again
This happened last week and it’s been sticking in my craw.
A Wendy’s in Nederland got held up by some clown who pulled a knife … while sitting in his pickup in the drive-through lane!
Good grief! If you are the guy or gal wearing a paper hat and manning the mike at that Wendy’s, there is NO WAY the robber can hurt you in the drive-through lane!!!
To review here: The robber is in a pickup OUTSIDE the building. You are INSIDE the building. You are looking at him through a WINDOW about the size of TV screen.
The robber is not going to stretch out his arms 10 feet and stab you. He is not going to crawl out of his pickup truck’s window and through your tiny store window to get at you.
If you think that somehow he could defy the laws of physics and do either of those things, you could CLOSE THE WINDOW!
In other words, he CANNOT HARM YOU! So why do you GIVE HIM THE CASH anyway!
Aaarrrggghhh! What is this country coming to? How can our nation’s youth compete with the Japanese when they can’t even handle basic fast-food robbery etiquette?
Don’t they teach this stuff at orientation any more, such as right after telling the employee to always say, “Can you repeat that order?”
Please don’t tell me the window worker made Employee of the Month.
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
To the Nines
Well, here it is: The Big 09-09-09.
You’ve read and heard a lot about the big day — how could you avoid it? — but here are nine things you may not know about that magical number between 8 and 10:
1) Since Jon & Kate of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” split it up, the eight kids have one parent in the house at a time — for a total of nine people!
2) Speaking of kids, nine is only half of the children brought forth so far by the by the famously fertile Duggars.
3) In German, “nein” (pronounced the same as our “nine”) means “no.”
4) The San Francisco 49ers are sometimes called the Niners, but not the Forty’s.
5) Sept. 9 is the 252nd day of the year, and 2 + 5 + 2 = 9!
6) At 9 o’clock today, nothing special will happen.
7) You don’t remember what you were doing on Sept. 9, 1999.
8) The ninth U.S. president was easily the most inconsequential one. William Henry Harrison caught a bad cold while giving a two-hour (!) inaugural address in freezing rain. He died 31 days later.
9) At the 99 Cent Store, most things will cost 99 cents today.
Friday, September 04, 2009
Duck, neighbor!
We’ve all tussled with a neighbor from time to time.
We may have let our dog do his business over the property line. We may let the kid bang a ball against his wall. Our guests may have parked in his driveway.
But doggone it, at least we didn’t do what a history buff did in Uniontown, Pa.
He fired a cannonball through his neighbor’s home. A 2-pounder. Seriously.
This is above and beyond the call of neighborly accidents. I think it’s an act of war.
So if you’re thinking of moving into a nice subdivision, first check to see that none of the neighbors collects cannons. Or shoots them.
Or dig a bunker in the back yard and put the local hospital on speed dial.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Hawaiian tryin’
You gotta hand it to the Honolulu City Council.
At least they tried to ban smelly people from city buses.
The new law was aimed at morons, I mean people, who have “odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system.”
This is entirely fair. But the ACLU — who else? — raised a stink, so the plan was canned.
Good grief. Not only is this stupid, it also jeopardizes other efforts to stop fat people from wearing tight shorts, hairy people from wearing tank tops and anyone from wearing T-shirts bearing the likeness of Danny Bonaduce, Snoop Dogg or Calvin Coolidge.
So sad. Some day Hawaiians will look back and wonder what happened to their tropical paradise.
Maybe they could let bus drivers carry a can of deodorant and give a quick spritz to anyone who needs it.
They could call it “Don’t ask, don’t smell,” and everyone would be happy. Aloha.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Game over, Pacman
When an NFL star has to take a step down to play in the Canadian Football League, it’s embarrassing.
When he can’t even land a spot in the CFL, it’s humiliating — especially if the thug in question is Adam “Pacman” Jones.
That’s what happened to the once-promising cornberback who’s been arrested six times and involved in six other confrontations with the cops since entering the league in 2005.
This time last year, Pacman had been signed by the Cowboys after being suspended for the entire 2007 season. He didn’t deserve the gig, and finally owner Jerry Jones got a little bit smarter and released him in the offseason — along with other perennial trouble-maker Terrell Owens.
No other NFL team would mess with Pacman, so it looked like he would sign with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers this year.
In fact, that’s what he implied until the Blue Bombers said that rumors of his signing were greatly exaggerated.
Their coach explained why: “We will pursue athletes that we believe will contribute to our organization on and off the field.”
So now Pacman may have to go lower down the food chain, to the new UFL, which will have all of four teams when it starts play in October.
What a free-fall for a former first-round draft pick. And it couldn’t have happened to a nicer — well, more deserving — guy.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Oh, no, not football!
OK, now I believe the recession is for real.
The NFL might have to black out a bunch of games in their home markets this season because the host stadiums have not sold out!
I’m serious! According to all-knowing, all-seeing AP: “The San Diego Chargers had an exhibition game blacked out for the first time since 2006 and will have Friday’s game blacked out as well. They say regular-season blackouts could be on the way as well. Other teams that could have trouble selling out their home games include the Detroit Lions and Oakland Raiders, who both had blackouts last season.”
Congress and the president cannot let this happen. They need to stop wasting time on health care, Iraq, swine flu, etc. and focus on this. I recommend an emergency three-point program, sort of like a field goal in the nick of time, if you catch my drift:
1) A cash-for-clunkers program in ticket sales. If two crummy teams like the Lions and Browns are playing each other, the feds should offer rebates for any fans stupid enough, I mean loyal enough, to buy tickets to this awful contest.
2) Heavy subsidies, tax breaks and other goodies for millionaire owners trying to build ever-bigger stadiums or jump to other cities for better deals. … Huh, we’re already doing this? Well, good, I guess.
3) Leaning on law enforcement to cut the NFL a little slack on personal conduct. Look, just because some arrogant jock gets a DWI or slaps around a lady or fires a gun in a crowded nightclub, that’s no reason to suspend him. Hey, what if he’s the team’s best pass rusher? Let’s think about our priorities here.
If America will kick this three-pointer through the pylons of society, we can get through this crisis. I mean, what else are we going to do on Sunday, go to church?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Your tax dollars at work
I guess this is what passes for belt-tightening in the government.
President Obama is trimming a pay raise for federal workers from 2.4 percent to 2 percent.
That’s right, taxpayers. It goes down all of 0.4 percentage points.
If I were the prez, I'd tell federal workers this:
“Dear bureaucrat: In view of the lingering recession and gloomy prospects for a turnaround any time soon, your pay raise will be reduced … to zero.
“No, that is not a misprint. Instead of 2.4 percent more on your paychecks, you will get 0 percent more.
“You may not want to turn cartwheels down the hall over that news, and I understand that. But many of the people who pay your salary — that would be actual taxpayers in the private sector — are getting by with small raises, no raises, and in some cases, no paychecks because they were laid off.
“So consider yourself fortunate to have a job and keep plugging away. If this non-raise offends you in any way, feel free to turn in your resignation and try your luck in the real world. In fact, I’ll waive the two-week notice and let you leave immediately.
“Have a nice day, and don’t forget to recycle.”
Friday, August 28, 2009
Steep sheep
I hope this doesn’t sound bigoted, but if you seen one sheep, you’ve seen ’em all.
Apparently, British farmer Jimmy Douglas disagrees. He just coughed up the record price of $347,000 for a sheep he describes as the finest specimen he’s ever seen.
Jeez, Jimmy. For that money, the critter needs to predict stock prices.
I wouldn’t pay 300 grand for a sheep unless I was starving on a deserted island and it was there too. And I had a knife and fork.
For the record, this is an 8-month-old Texel ram. Even has a name befitting its lofty price — Deveronvale Perfection.
Farmer Jimmy also says it has “a great body and strong loin.”
That’s it; I’m outta here. What a man does between him and his livestock should stay on the farm.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Rock on
This is one caper that will be tough to crack:
Who put the fake moon rock in the Dutch national museum? And how could it have fooled so many people for so many years?
The story, and it’s a strange one, is that the former prime minister said the rock was given to him by the U.S. ambassador in 1969 during a visit by the Apollo 11 astronauts.
But the supposedly extra-terrestrial treasure is just … a piece of petrified wood! From earth!
What the hay? Did NASA give out a phony souvenir … or did the Dutch prime minister steal the stone and substitute something he found in his back yard? (I think that was the plot of a "Columbo" episode.)
Now that the caper has been exposed, geologists from Amsterdam’s Free University said they could tell at a glance that the rock was not from the moon. Well, duh! Why didn’t they notice that a looong time ago?
Another expert saw it on display in 2006 and said it was highly unlikely that NASA would have given away a valuable moon rock just three months after “one small step.”
Somebody got punked.
Museum officials need to check the other exhibits to see if any more hoaxes are lurking.
I’d start with the Kentucky Fried Chicken box that supposedly came from Van Gogh's last meal.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Multi muddle
This can’t be much of a surprise to anyone with common sense:
All those obnoxious, Type A folks who brag about “multi-tasking” are not nearly as efficient and productive as they think.
In fact, according to researchers at Stanford University, which has a bunch of really smart people and not just multi-taskers who think they are, “multi-taskers are more easily distracted and less able to ignore irrelevant information than people who do less multi-tasking.”
It figures. In the primitive days before the Internet, people who did two things at once were thought of as scatterbrained and undisciplined. Overnight, they somehow became twice as smart and half as lazy as mere mortals.
Finally, these nerds have been exposed. As a Stanford prof put it, “Is multi-tasking causing them to be lousy at multi-tasking, or is their lousiness at multi-tasking causing them to be multi-taskers?”
Or as I would put it, “Are they annoying because they multi-task, or do they multi-task because they are annoying?”
Who knows. I wonder if the next big revelation will be that an abacus whiz can outperform a calculator king.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Rhode woes
Rhode Island must not have gotten the word. Four days after Fed chief Ben Bernanke said the recession is ending, things are still grim in the country’s tiniest state.
In fact, Rhode Island is going to shut down its state government for 12 full days. I say let’s go one step further and shut down the entire state — for good.
Rhode Island has no legitimate claim to statehood any more.
Maybe back in the ol’ days 1,545 square miles was a lot of land. Today it’s a good-sized farm or national park.
The city of Houston is almost half that size at 600 square miles. And waaaay back in 1960, Houston had about as many people as Rhode Island does today — just over a million. In fact, the 1990 census was the first time Rhode Island cracked the seven-figure mark on population. (And it’s not even a real island either!)
We should let neighboring states bid on the puny principality. Or, if none of them want it, make ’em draw straws and insist the winner/loser take it in.
If government were a business, Rhode Island would have been downsized long ago. I guarantee you that six months after we do it, no one will notice it’s gone.
Sorry, Rhode Island. You had a nice little run, but the rest of the country can’t keep stringing you along forever and pretending you’re equal to real states. Please clean out your desk by the end of the year.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Daring death
I guess we’ve all done some dumb things in our lives.
Still, it’s hard to feel sorry for the folks along the Maine coast who found out too late why park rangers kept begging them to back away from the gigantic waves formed by Hurricane Bill.
At Acadia National Park, a huge wave washed over a group of close-in gawkers and swept about 20 of them back into the frigid, churning waters.
A 7-year-old girl drowned. Several others got broken bones from being slammed onto rocks by subsequent waves. (Ouch.) Two daredevils couldn’t get back to shore on their own and had to be rescued (a risky thing for the crews involved).
At another site in Maine, the resort town of Old Orchard Beach, 22 people had to be rescued after repeatedly failing to heed warnings to back away from the heavy surf.
Jeez. I guess there is something thrilling about watching enormous waves break over the beach. But it would also be fascinating to watch a tiger up close or wonder what it’s like to wander through a minefield.
Apparently, some people think they’re bulletproof. Or they want to impress someone by “getting close.” Or they’re stupid.
Whatever. In the end, it’s just Nature’s way of thinning the gene pool.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Accounts receivable
So what is it with NFL receivers?
They have become the new all-purpose sports villain.
Early Friday morning Tennessee Titans receiver Chris Davis was busted for DWI.
The day before former Giants receiver Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to illegally packing a pistol and got two years.
That sentence was notable, because Browns receiver Donte Stallworth got just 24 days for killing a person when driving drunk.
And the Cowboys upended their entire franchise by getting rid of receiver Terrell Owens in the off-season — causing the Bills to upend their entire franchise by signing him.
And the Bengals wish they could get rid of their perennial headache, receiver Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco.
And first-round draft-pick receiver Michael Crabtree is threatening to shock the NFL by not signing with his team and sitting out a year.
I could go on, but I think you get the point. Which is:
How is it that catching a football turns normal jocks into head cases?
Oh, for the good ol’ days, when wrasslers and boxers caused all the trouble in sports.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Plax ’n’ prison
So former Giants receiver Plaxico Burress doesn’t have to worry about getting blindsided by a cornerback this year. Or next.
Plax, of course, will be a guest of the taxpayers for the next two years in a small room with steel bars. That’s what you get for packing a pistol in New York City without a license.
Technically, Plax pleaded guilty to “one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon.” Excuse me, but there wasn’t anything “attempted” about it. Plax really was possessing, as proved when he shot himself in the leg with the gun in question.
Jeez, don’t they have gun safety classes at NFL rookie camps any more? Guess not.
To make matters worse, this wide receiver goes into prison just as quarterback Michael Vick gets out. Talk about bad timing on doing time.
At least if they were in together, you’d have one heck of a prison football team. Or the lead roles for “The Longest Yard III.”
Oh, well, that’s the way the ball bounces. And it’s worth pointing out again that another NFL receiver/screwup, Donte Stallworth, served only 24 days in jail for killing a human being.
Puzzling, that is.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Drink 'til it hurts
Compared to the anti-alcohol fanatics in Malaysia, our own Carrie Nation was a softie.
Sure, she carried an ax, but the tool was for the places that sold demon rum, not the drinkers.
Things are going to be a little rougher in Malaysia for a Muslim woman who was caught -- gasp, horror! -- drinking beer in a raid on a hotel night club.
The unlucky lass will get six lashes from a cane. And she really is unlucky, as she’s the first "criminal" to get that sentence for tossing back a few.
It sounds kinda barbaric, but the prosecutor was kinda proud of what he achieved:
“It is a good punishment because under Islamic law a person who drinks commits a serious offense.”
In fact, to show he’s not some kind of savage, the prosecutor noted that the little lady would be beaten by a lighter-grade rattan cane than the one used on men.
After all, he said the purpose is to “educate” rather than punish.
OK, he’s convinced me. But I’m taking away a different lesson from this teachable moment than the one he was thinking about.
As in, some folks still haven’t figured out that this is 21st century, not the 12th.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Brett’s back (again)
So Brett Favre has unretired yet again. No surprise there, as he has left and come back more than a stray dog at the back door of a butcher shop.
But he needs to figure out a new way to say what he’s going to do, or not do:
-- Aug. 18, 2009, announcing his latest comeback with the Vikings, his second team since the Packers: “I felt I did everything I possibly could do to get where I need to be.”
-- March 4, 2008, announcing his first retirement, later undone by a stint with the Jets: “I’ve given everything I possibly can give to this organization, to the game of football … ”
Tsk, tsk. Let’s hope next year’s announcement is different.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Weird but true
These are strange times we live in.
A review of real news looks like something from The Onion:
Former GOP Congressman Tom “The Hammer” DeLay is going on “Dancing With the Stars.”
(He moves pretty well for an older guy, but when he’s on the floor, he keeps shifting to the right.)
Someone named Y.E. Yang has beaten Tiger Woods on the last day of a major tournament.
(Even more incredibly, Yang didn’t start playing golf until he was 19. Seriously!)
And Omarosa is going to become a minister! That’s right, the trash-talking, hard-driving veteran of “The Apprentice” and other reality TV shows is going to become a woman of the cloth.
(Title of her first sermon: “Turn the other cheek — unless you need to bitch-slap that hussy first.”)
Oh, well. If everything was predictable, life would be boring. Heck, maybe that Astros-Rangers World Series will happen this year after all!
… OK, I did go a little overboard there.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Hold the phone
Look, I know it's the duty of union reps to stick up for their guys no matter what.
Still, I’d be a little leery of jumping to the defense of the air traffic controller who was making a personal phone call while a plane and helicopter collided over the Hudson River recently. Nine people died there.
For this little distraction, the controller has been suspended. Same for his supervisor, who was not in the room at the time and thus couldn’t supervise.
That didn’t sit well with a former union rep for controllers at JFK Airport, who said, “This had absolutely nothing to do with the accident. This controller is being used as a scapegoat. The whole thing is absurd.”
Gee, I dunno. I hate to be obsessive-compulsive about this, but if I’m on a plane, I want my air traffic controller looking at my radar blip and talking to my pilot.
Maybe not all the time, but at least I don’t want him yakking on a cell phone or surfing the Net or arguing about last night’s game around the water cooler.
Statistically, commercial flying is very safe. But there’s this funny thing about it:
You run into something up there, and it’s probably the last mistake you will ever make.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Oh Ricky you're so fine ...
The great drama over whether Rick Pitino would be canned for his “indiscretion” is over. He’s not going anywhere.
In fact, there was no chance that a coach with a record like his would pay a price for the, uh, incident in question.
Heck, if you read the beginning of the statement from Louisville president Dr. James Ramsey, you might think that Randy Ricky just got a Nobel Prize or somethin’:
“Rick Pitino is the University of Louisville’s basketball coach. He has been a role model for countless young people and a positive influence on this community. … ”
Absa-tively, Jimmy. Just because he banged a groupie on a restaurant table and then gave her 3 grand for an abortion — oops, I mean “health insurance” — is no reason to do something rash.
I mean, what if his replacement didn’t win 20 games and get into the NCAA tourney? Could a greater tragedy befall the university?
Whatever. At least Pitino will suffer the indignities of countless smart-aleck waiters in the future, who will say things like:
“Good evening, Mr. Pitino. … Would you like a table for two?”
or
“Good evening, Mr. Pitino. Would you like to be seated in our Family Section … or by that table near the bar with all the hot chicks?”
or
“Good evening, Mr. Pitino. Tonight’s special is a ‘pig in a blanket.’ … Or have you already brought one?”
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Pitino's no-no
What a putz Rick Pitino is.
He has forgotten all the rules about being a big-time college basketball coach:
1) Don’t have sex with a woman who is not your wife.
2) If you do, don’t have sex with a woman who is not your wife who resembles the creepy character played by Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”
3) If you do, don’t have sex with a woman who is not your wife who resembles the creepy character played by Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” ON THE TABLE OF A RESTAURANT!
Thank God it was closed. Gosh, are motel rooms that hard to get in Louisville?
4) If you do, don’t have sex with a woman who is not your wife who resembles the creepy character played by Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” ON THE TABLE OF A RESTAURANT while ONE OF YOUR ASSISTANT COACHES LINGERS ON THE SIDE!
Puh-lease! What was his role? Hand you a towel at a crucial moment? Blow the whistle on any charging foul?
... The real question now is whether the “moral depravity” clause in Pitino’s contract will be invoked and he will be told to hit the road.
My guess is that University of Louisville President James Ramsey will study this matter carefully, consulting scholars and law books, and above all considering the impact this could have on impressionable young students.
... Nah, I’m just kidding. Ramsey will base his decision on Pitino’s won-loss record and this year’s recruiting class. He’s safe.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Taliban troubles
And you thought your job was rough.
In the Pakistan Taliban, you could get capped by the Americans or the Pakistani government … or your fellow gang members!
For example, the head honchos of the Taliban in Pakistan were holding a special meeting to decide who would replace their former leader, Baitullah Mehsud. Mehsud, it seems, had met an untimely demise at the business end of a missile fired by an American drone.
And what happened at this special meeting? Well, tempers flared … some things were said … and in the amusing words of the news report, “A fierce fight broke out during the Shura (Council) meeting … in which two favourites for Baitullah’s successor, Hakimullah Mehsud and Mufti Wali-ur-Rehman, were killed.”
Holy cow, haven’t these guys ever heard of conflict resolution? … OK, maybe they haven’t, seeing as they’re murderous thugs and all that.
Still, that’s what Johnny Carson used to call a rough crowd. What if you were planning the New Year’s party for the office and you ordered the wrong snacks? Let’s just say it could be your last mistake.
Back to Mehsud: According to the New York Times, this guy got nailed by a drone when he was, of all things, getting a drip infusion for his kidney ailment from one of his two wives on a rooftop.
I kid you not!
Good grief. If you were Public Enemy No. 1 in Pakistan and you knew that a U.S. drone was flying around looking for you, it might be wise TO STAY OFF ROOFTOPS!
What a bunch of clowns. I’d sure hate to be their life-insurance salesman.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Scottish sloths
You can bet that Glasgow, Scotland, won’t put this one on any of those slick chamber-of-commerce brochures they hand out in rest stops.
It's been named the laziest city in the United Kingdom.
It’s true, ’cause numbers don’t lie:
36 percent of Glasgowites would not run to catch a bus. (Though in fairness, if it was a bus to a hamburger stand, the total increased slightly.)
52 percent won’t walk their dogs. (I’m guessing that therefore the dogs are fat too.)
Can it get worse? Yes it can! 72 percent won’t even make love to their spouse at the end of a hard day of doing nothing! (“Not tonight, dear. I just had an extra-large pizza.”)
How bad is it overall? It’s this bad: In rundown parts of Glasgow (no, that is not redundant) the life-expectancy of men is only 54.
Geez, in Iraq that number is 67 — and in that country you have to put up with the odd car bombing, which can put a serious crimp in your life expectancy.
A quote from Glasgow resident Bill Laidlaw says it all:
“The only thing I’m tired of is being constantly called lazy and unhealthy by the government and doctors. Every week we’re getting knocked by the government, or this survey or that. If they spent some money where it counts rather than these surveys, we’d all be better off.”
With that, Laidlaw abruptly ended the interview … and waddled off to a donut shop.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Paper chase
In a capitalist country, when a recession hits, you eat out less or postpone that purchase of a big-screen TV.
In a communist country, when a recession hits, you feel it closer to home. Or closer to the bathroom.
Take Cuba, for example. This glorious island people’s republic is experiencing an embarrassing shortage of … toilet paper.
That’s right, comrade. After you’ve done your business (the only kind of business allowed in a socialist paradise) you may find yourself lacking the people’s best friend.
Sure, you’ve got an AK-47 and a fancy book of the Glorious Leader’s thoughts, but you can’t squeeze the Charmin like those fiends on Wall Street.
In times like this, I suggest tearing out a page or two of the Glorious Leader’s thoughts and using that paper in a way that’s actually appropriate.
Just don’t get caught by the secret police, or you will have bigger problems.
... Workers of the word unite; you have nothing to lose but your stains.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Going green (literally)
Finally, an environmental group has come up with an idea you can stand on.
It involves conserving water in, of all places, the shower.
Not by showering less. By going with the flow.
That’s right, eco-freaks. The Brazilian environmental group SOS Mata Atlantica is urging people to take a leak in the shower instead of the toilet.
This simple act, it claims, can help a family save up to 1,157 gallons of water per year. Which in turn will somehow help save the Brazilian rainforest.
Hmmm.
Do we really need to encourage people to release their own little jet stream in the shower? Isn’t a lot of this going on anyhow?
How will this help a family save 1,157 gallons of water by flushing less? What if you have a heavy beer drinker in the home; wouldn’t you save even more?
How does this help the rainforest? No one will be cutting down fewer trees or planting less corn on newly cleared land, will they?
If the Brazilian government wants to cut down on bathroom flushes, it needs to install more pay toilets in public places.
You’d have a lot of frustrated people, but at least they’d have a nice rainforest to comfort them as they squirm and look around anxiously.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Motor City madness
I’m not sure what the worst school district in the country is, but I’ll bet Detroit’s is right up there. Or right down there.
The district has a $259 million deficit and is facing bankruptcy. A recent audit showed why this unfortunate predicament should not be surprising.
Brace yourselves, readers. Even for government, this is pretty bad:
As the AP put it, “Audits of Detroit schools are finding widespread waste in the deficit-ridden district. … That includes $2.1 million a year in health coverage for more than 400 dependents who weren’t eligible. (Auditors) also found a mothballed fleet of 11 motorcycles, 160 unused BlackBerry phones, 97 two-way phones and dozens of medal detecting stations and wands.”
’Nuff said. … I guess this makes Motown schools eligible for a big ol’ bailout from the stimulus funds we borrowed from our children.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Unemployment 101
Trina Thompson just made a bad career move.
She sued the college that granted her a degree because she can’t get a job.
No, I’m serious. Even in an age when people will sue over anything, this one is hard to take.
It seems that temperamental Trina graduated from Monroe College in New York in April. That is all of four months ago -- in case she can't count, too -- and already the strain of this long ordeal has worn her down.
Apparently no one told Trina there’s a RECESSION going on.
If they had, she might have waited a while longer to file her lawsuit. Then again, if she had any gumption, she’d just try harder to get a job.
Since she has a degree in information technology, eventually she’d land somewhere.
Now, however, every employer in the nation has been alerted to the fact that Trina is not exactly a go-getter willing to start at the bottom and work her way up.
This, of course, will lead to a condition known as “more unemployment.”
Poor, poor Trina. Too bad she didn’t major in common sense. If she had, she might be complaining about how hard work is like the rest of us these days.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Take a hike
So Secretary of State Hillary is trying to find out from Iran what happened to three American tourists who were hiking in Iraq and ended up on the wrong side of the border.
Some answers would be appreciated. Like the ones the hikers could give when someone asks them, “What the hell were you morons thinking?”
Granted, hiking can be a fun sport — that is, if you’re not in the Army and carrying a 40-pound pack. But of all the places in the world to hike, why would you choose Iraq?
For starters, if you’ve glanced at a paper lately, you’d know THERE’S A WAR GOING ON OVER THERE.
If the Iraqi Tourism Ministry is already selling package deals to Americans, those guys are better salesmen than I thought. I wonder if they’re using the slogan, “Come see Iraq. You’ll get a bang out of it.”
Even within Iraq, the Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis don’t always get along. In fact, they’ve been known to murder each other with great enthusiasm. This is not a good place for strangers to be wandering around in.
And if you stray over the border in northeastern Iran, as these clowns did, you END UP IN IRAN!
If there’s any place worse than Iraq right now, it’s Iran!
Good grief, why would you want to saunter into the middle of this mess? Was the Korean DMZ booked up?
If these explorers get back in the states soon with all their fingernails, they should consider themselves lucky.
Next time they want adventure, they should try something a little safer — like a soccer game in a minefield.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Do the crime, pay the fine
I never knew that illegally downloading music was such a serious no-no.
As in the Boston University graduate student who was ordered to pay $675,000 to four record labels for filching 30 songs.
Good grief; that’s $22,500 per song!
What woulda happened if he had also spit on the sidewalk or put a tin can in a glass recycling bin? Would he go straight to the electric chair?
Hey, it could be worse. The defendant could have been socked up to $4.5 million. Compared to that, the $675,000 fine is downright lenient.
Compared to everything else, however, it’s reeaaallly severe.
“I used the computer. I uploaded, I downloaded music ... I did it,” said student Joel Tenenbaum.
There it is, in his own words. The monster! Off with his head!
… In other news across the country, a bunch of murderers and rapists got probation.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Heavy load
It’s a growing problem — literally.
That would be the increasingly common challenge for ambulance crews having to strain and sweat to move patients who weigh 400, 600 and even 800 pounds.
Holy hernia! Can you say “obesity epidemic”?
The latest report comes from Nebraska and Iowa. Let’s just say that cattle aren’t the only corn-fed behemoths on the Great Plains.
“Lloyd Rupp, a battalion chief in the Omaha Fire Department, said his crews encounter a 400-pound-plus patient every several days. Five to 10 years ago, crews would run into such patients every couple of weeks.”
The solution here seems obvious: Furniture movers need to be deputized as reserve firefighters.
Then when a call comes in for an, ahem, plus-sized patient, you send out a big ol’ truck, three or four big ol’ guys and maybe a forklift.
Hey, these dudes are already used to hauling massive beds and appliances! For them, a human being that size is just another job. Sure, if you drop this load, it says “Ouch!” but otherwise it’s the same game of man vs. mass.
To sweeten the pot, you could let the furniture company send along a salesman to make a quick pitch for a recliner or sofa to the patient’s relatives. After all, if you’re weighing in at a quarter-ton or so, you probably spend a lot of time watching Dr. Phil and shoveling in Cheetos.
In fact, if we could get the new “free” health care to pay for this innovative service, everyone comes out a winner.
Are you listening, Congress?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Flew the coop
It is one way, I guess, of getting rid of your problem.
That would be the city of New York’s odd policy of offering free, one-way plane tickets to any homeless families that can find relatives who will take them in.
The goal, of course, is to remove said families from the city’s homeless shelter program. The air fare ain’t cheap, but it’s a bargain compared to the $36K it costs to shelter a homeless family for a year.
The city says 550 families have taken advantage of their little incentive. Some even went to other continents.
Not said is what happens if they return … or become homeless in their new hometown.
Or what happens if the new city gets ticked off at the surprise gift … and promptly gives the family a one-way plane ticket back to New York.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Plush prison preferred
The rich are different from you and me.
For one thing, they don’t like being in prison cells with people like you and me.
Take Texas financier R. Allen Stanford for example. Please, take him.
Seems that Stanford, who was jailed on a little matter of a $7 billion (that’s billion with a B) Ponzi scheme, doesn’t like being locked up with a bunch of commoners.
His private prison in Conroe has no air conditioning, and he’s sharing digs with up to 10 other inmates. (That could be kind of embarrassing when Nature Calls.)
In fact, defense-attorney-to-the-rich-n-famous Dick DeGuerin said in court filings that the conditions were “intolerable.”
Didja hear that? Intolerable!
Stanford wants to be transferred to a swankier cell at the Federal Detention Center in downtown Houston, preferably in a wing with a nice wine list, concierge service and big-screen TVs.
OK, I made up that last part. But he does want out of the crowded hot-house in Conroe.
No telling how the judge will rule on this legal mind-bender. If there is any justice in our justice system, however, he will tell him not only no, but hell no, and just for that, I’m going to jam four more sweaty inmates into your cell.
That’ll teach him to be a thieving weasel. And if it doesn’t, at least it will be verrrry satisfying.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Good knight
You can add jousting to the list of things that politicians shouldn’t do.
Granted, it’s a long list, but there’s always room for one more.
This point was proved recent by the mayor of Barre, Vermont, who “agreed in fun to a jousting match with padded sticks and helmets.”
Despite those OSHA-style precautions, he still ended up in an emergency room with some broken ribs.
Worse yet, the near-impaling was done by another local pol, the chairman of the town’s selectboard.
Personally, I think the heyday of jousting was the Middle Ages. Since then the sport has basically gone downhill.
I say let’s completely retire it, along with bear-baiting and pouring burning oil down on troops trying to scale castle walls.
OK, that last one is more of a military maneuver than a sport, but it’s still very Middle Ages. (Or so I've heard.)
The point is that if you want to stick it to a politician, vote ’im out of office. It’s permanent, and there’s no emergency room involved.
Friday, July 24, 2009
A switch in time
If you want to have a sex-change operation, I think you should just go ahead and do it.
Don’t be like Richard Ramsey, who has decided to become Renee Ramsey … at the age of 77.
This is carrying procrastination too far. Renee said she felt like a woman in a man’s body since she was 13. That would be ’45, back when FDR was president.
She even served in the U.S. Army in Viet Nam as a Green Beret, and stayed in uniform for the 20-year pension.
Was married twice too. In fact, she waited for Wife No. 2 to die before becoming a woman herself. (Maybe she wanted to use those leftover dresses.)
Whatever. At least this should make those Army reunions a lot more interesting.
“Richard, is that you? You look … different!”
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Osama, eventually
A son of Osama bin Laden was reportedly killed a few months ago in a missile strike by the CIA in Pakistan.
This is unfortunate.
No, not that Saad bin Laden is no longer with us. The lad was a chip off the ol’ block — a member of al-Qaida who was working in the family business in Iran.
He journeyed into Pakistan, maybe for some R&R, when he got capped in a drone missile strike. Occupational hazard, I guess you’d call it.
No, my friends, the downside to this otherwise cheery bit of good news is that the bin Laden who bit the dust was not the old man.
... Oh, well, maybe next time.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Mental/dental
So what is it with wacky dentists in Florida?
We've had two in two days. That, my friends, is a trend.
On Tuesday we learned about a dentist in Winter Park, Fla., who had an unfortunate habit of dropping tools down the throats of patients.
Then on Wednesday we read about a dentist in Naples, Fla., who set up shop in a converted garage with a drill set and recliner.
Good lord, are folks in Florida desperate for dentistry … or dense?
I can’t wait around to find out. I might have to read about more Floridians who made ghastly dental mistakes.
To forestall that possibility, here are some tips that all dental customers in Florida should keep in mind when shopping for a mouth man:
-- Is the office in a bad neighborhood with a sign on the door reading, “Cash register does not contain more than $50.”
-- Does the secretary ask you, “Will that be cash, check or barter?”
-- Is the dentist also practicing another trade, such as “Dentistry and Lawn Service”?
-- Does the dentist’s diploma on the wall contain the words “not accredited”?
-- Is there a sign in the waiting room that says, “Anesthesia is for sissies”?
If you run into any of these, do a Michael Jackson and "beat it."
And if your tooth is really hurting, tie a string around it and attach the other end to a doorknob.
… Hey, it worked for grandpa.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Hey, who’s perfect?
People seem awfully touchy these days. You make one little boo-boo and everybody is all over you.
Like the two unfortunate souls described below.
A dentist in Florida is being sued for — brace yourselves — dropping tools down the throat of an elderly patient. Twice!
More specifically, the lawsuit filed by the late victim’s relatives said Dr. Wesley “Butterfingers” Meyers lost his grip on an “implant screwdriver tool” in 2006 and a “mini-wrench” in 2007.
The late victim, 90-year-old Charles Gaal Jr., reportedly died after never fully recovering from surgeries to retrieve the hardware.
Not good. ... By the way, if you’re 90, should you still be referred to as “Jr.”? Just wonderin’.
A little closer to home, a Houston-area woman, Sarah Hanel, is in stable condition after an unfortunate accident in her residence.
It seems that her husband, Justin “Deadeye” Hanel, was sleeping soundly last night when he awoke to find an intruder in his home.
So he did what any red-blooded American would do in such a predicament — he squeezed off a few rounds from a handy pistol!
All’s well that ends well? Not exactly. Turns out the “intruder” was Mrs. Hanel.
Wow. Talk about “egg on my face.”
… Does Hallmark make a card for these awkward situations? I didn’t think so.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Oh, no, not Paula Abdul!
As if things aren’t bad enough — the war on terror, the recession, the designated hitter rule — now we have this hanging over our heads:
Paula Abdul may leave American Idol!
I am not kidding. In fact, you couldn't kid about something like that. It’s unkidable.
The problem, as usual in Tinsletown, is money. Paula wants about $20 million to return, and those skinflint producers might not cough it up.
Paula is also ticked off that Ryan Seacrest got something like $45 million over 3 years to keep doing whatever it is he does. That is a lot of money, but then again, he is the master at whatever he does.
All we can do is hope and pray that this nightmare will be averted and Paula will return to Idol.
Without her, the show just wouldn’t be the same.
Where else could we get our hilarious fix of loopy comments, mangled logic and chemical-induced mood swings? Who would Simon focus his disgust on without good ol’ dependable Paula? What would happen if a male contestant who got rejected needed a shoulder to cry on … or a bed to sleep in?
Please, Paula. Swallow your pride, take $5 million or so and come back. America needs you.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Life for shoplifting? Hell yes!
Please don’t shed any crocodile tears over Brian Balentine, even though he just got sentenced to life in prison for shoplifting five CDs from a Wal-Mart in Conroe.
The dirtbag deserved it.
This wasn’t his first rodeo. He was paroled in 2006 after serving time for killing a Good Samaritan in 1984 who stopped to help him when he appeared to be having car trouble.
That was the state’s first mistake. He should have died in prison of old age.
But we’re a forgiving lot, so we let him out. Unfortunately, Brian proceeded to revert to a life of crime. He broke the law at least three more times before the shoplifting incident.
All were thefts of one kind or another. In the last one, a police officer was slightly injured trying to stop him. It occurred just days after he completed a 30-day jail term in Harris County.
Clearly, ol’ Brian was not going to get on the straight and narrow. He was going to keep breaking the law as long as we let him.
Remember this the next time some serial loser gets put away for a relatively minor offense. After a while, career criminals need to go inside one more time … and stay there.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Meth mess
Somebody better tell NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield that old Chinese saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’m a real dumbass.”
OK, I might not have that quote exactly right, but you get the point.
Mayfield, of course, got in hot water recently for being suspended by NASCAR for a positive drug test. (Meth, in this case.) And of course he took it like a man.
Just kidding. He did what any jock does these days when faced with a similar challenge: Find a judge to overturn the suspension.
Which he did, and he was back in NASCAR’s good graces, sort of.
But then an inconvenient truth knocked ol’ Jeremy back in the pot. He failed a second drug test.
Can it get more interesting? Hell yes! His stepmother says she saw him doing meth at least 30 times in recent years!!!
Now, you might think that Methfield — I mean, Mayfield — would back down and hang it up. Wrong again.
His response is to claim that this is all a giant conspiracy against him and he’s really as pure as an unopened can of 10W40 motor oil.
His lawyer even said, “NASCAR is absolutely corrupted by power. …”
Which it may be. But it’s reeaall hard to believe that for some reason the big shots have decided to frame poor Jeremy … again and again.
I’m guessing he’ll never race again, nor should he. He needs to cash on his fading fame quickly and write a tell-all book tearfully confessing his addiction to the white powder.
Otherwise, you’ll never again hear the name Jeremy Methfield. Dammit, I mean Mayfield.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Grand-mommie dearest
Move over, Octomom. The title of “World’s Most Irresponsible Mother” has shifted to Maria del Carmen Bousada, a Spanish woman.
Actually, make that the late Maria del Carmen Bousada. She passed away the other day at the age of 69, a common fate for people approaching their seventh decade.
But what made Maria memorable was her bizarre decision, at age 66, to get in vitro fertilization treatment, which resulted in the birth of twins.
(By the way, Maria did the deed at a clinic in Los Angeles. Didn’t nutty Octomom get her womb loaded up at a clinic in Los Angeles? Hmmm.)
So now her two 3-year-olds are left motherless, and someone else will have to raise them.
If this had happened in the normal course of events, it would be a tough break but no one would be at fault.
But of course this occurred only because an irresponsible old woman made a stupid choice, and a we-don’t-ask-a-lot-of-questions clinic happily fertilized her as soon as the check cleared.
Remember this the next time some hag gets her 15 minutes of fame for becoming a mother in her 50s or 60s with the help of a we-don’t-ask-a-lot-of-questions clinic.
It ain’t right. It’s selfish and short-sighted. Grand-mommie’s chances of being alive — and more importantly, active — for at least the next 18 years are not real high.
Clinics ought to have reasonable guidelines. At least other people can stop cheering on these clowns and gushing over the "miracle" of another weird birth.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Bullet brain, behind bars
Joshua Bush is finally where he belongs — in a state prison, for five years.
Bush, aka Bullet Brain, gained 15 minutes of fame for gaming the system in a spectacular way. It was funny, in a way, but more than anything, it was sad.
As most area folks know by now, Bullet Brain was accused of being involved in a burglary at a Port Arthur car lot in 2006. The prime evidence against him was believed to be a slug residing in his forehead after being placed there by the car lot manager's pistol.
But Bullet Brain refused to get the lead out for evidence, and prosecutors bungled a couple of attempts to remove it against his will. So he beat that charge, one of several on his rap sheet.
Eventually, and not too surprisingly, he had another run-in with the law. His latest misadventure — being a felon in possession of a firearm — got him the five-year stint.
Now that Bullet Brain has some time to think things over, he’s got a doozy to decide:
Does he get the round removed — and risk providing Exhibit A to the D.A.?
Or does he remain content with setting off metal detectors for the rest of his life … and risking unpleasant complications from lead poisoning?
Decisions, decisions. He’s going to have to put his thinking cap on for this one — if he can get it over that little bump in his forehead, that is.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Go, Nats!
Something tells me this is finally gonna be the year the National League wins the All Star Game. I mean, they can’t keep getting humiliated year after year, can they?
OK, they can. And they probably will. But still, I got a feeling about this one.
Many unusual things have been happening lately. A black man was elected president. Jay Leno left the Tonight Show. Brett Favr has retired and unretired. (More than once.)
Clearly, we live in strange times. A National League win would fit right in.
And President Obama himself will be right there, in the broadcast booth, for a few innings. If that doesn’t say Upset City, I don’t know what does.
The Nationals need this one badly. Just like they have every year since 1996.
Thank God the Nats still have the overall edge, 40-37-2. But if they don’t put some pepper in their shorts, in four years that will be history too.
The last time the Big Game was in St. Loo — 1966 — the Nationals won. History is due to repeat itself.
You read it here first, when the final out is made, the score will be: National League 7, American League 4.
Ahhh, yes, I can almost taste it. Soon our long National (League) nightmare will be over.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Business Ethics, 101
Everybody is jumping all over that Aggie student who broke into an office to try to change his test answers.
Of course it was wrong, but will everyone please remember that he was taking management courses?
This schlep is just reflecting the values of Ken Lay, Jeffrey Skilling, Bernard Ebbers, Conrad Black, Michael Milken, Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff and many other tycoons who wear power ties, have trophy wives and enjoy weekends at Gstaad.
They didn’t amass their fortunes by playing fair. They bent the rules when they had to and then broke them if that wasn’t enough. Most of them got caught, many others haven’t been nailed yet.
This dumb Aggie reads about guys like that all the time and thinks to himself, “I’m going to be just like them — minus the part about getting arrested and doing the perp walk.”
No telling how much time the former student will get behind bars for his aborted caper.
If they put him in one of those minimum-security joints with a bunch of white collar criminals, he’s going to think he made a good career move after all.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Johnny, we hardly knew ye
Some people think that Nevada Sen. John Ensign is a no-good slug for preaching family values while having an affair with the wife of his good friend and Senate aide.
Not me. I think this guy should be nominated for Humanitarian of the Year.
Why? Hell, because he made sure his parents paid nearly $100,000 to the gal he was fooling around with — yes, the same gal who was accused of trying to extort money from him.
I know what you’re thinking: The cash that his parents forked over was hush money pure and simple.
How can you say that about poor Johnny? He clearly stated that the 100K payoff was made “out of concern for the well being of longtime family friends during a difficult time.”
And he ought to know — ’cause he caused the difficult time in her life by luring her into an affair while she was married too!
Ensign’s lawyer even said, “The gifts are consistent with a pattern of generosity by the Ensign family to the Hamptons and others. The payments were made as gifts, accepted as gifts and complied with tax rules governing gifts.”
You see what I mean! This guy’s a humanitarian’s humanitarian! He probably tossed a quarter to some bum on a streetcorner once too.
I just hope this puts to rest all that nasty talk about the moral values of the senator. He goes into public service to help his state, and this is the thanks he gets.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets so fed up with all the carping from his whiny constituents that he goes out and hikes the Appalachian Trail.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Finger-lickin’ good?
Further evidence that this darned recession is serious:
Folks are starting to raise chickens in their backyards to save a few bucks.
That’s right, barbecue breath. According to the all-seeing, all-knowing AP, “A growing number of suburbanites (near Dallas) are buying and raising hens prompted by a slumping economy and the promise of fresh eggs. One Dallas farmer said he had sold more than 2,000 hens this year.”
This does not sound like a good idea to this city boy.
Sure, the upside is farm-fresh eggs (OK, maybe backyard-fresh eggs) and an unlimited supply of drumsticks and hot wings.
But what about the downside?
Chicken coops and chicken feed, for starters — that’s gotta cost a few bucks. And what about the stuff that comes out of the south end of a chicken facing north? Yuck!
Don’t chickens attract coyotes … and health inspectors? How soon until being awakened at 05:45 by a crowing rooster ceases to be charming?
Frankly, it sounds like more trouble than it’s worth. Let real farmers raise chickens — and put up with jokes about spending the egg money and breasts vs. thighs and why did the chicken cross the road.
If you wanna enjoy chicken, do it the way God intended: Buy a bucket from the Colonel or Church’s or at least the deli at your friendly neighborhood grocery.
Your neighbors will appreciate it even if you don’t.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Clarification needed
One hates to be snippy about details at a time like this, but it’s hard to believe Al Sharpton’s comment to Michael Jackson’s kids at Tuesday’s memorial service for the King of Pop:
“Wasn’t nothing strange about your daddy.”
Jeez, Al, wasn’t that a teensy bit over the top?
How about, “Not everything about him was strange.”
Or, “Sometimes he did normal things.”
Or even, “He was extremely weird but had many nice points too.”
Just a thought.
Monday, July 06, 2009
If you can’t stand the heat …
… Stay out of the prison.
’Cause in Texas, prisons aren’t air-conditioned.
Our front-page story Monday highlighted this annual problem.
If you were tempted to fell sorry for the inmates, don’t. A prison cell is not supposed to be a suite at the Hilton. Or even an upstairs room at a Motel 6.
If the steamy summers motivate more inmates to stay out once they get out, that’s a good thing.
If you want to feel sorry for someone, feel sorry for the folks who work at prisons. They have a tough job to begin with. From May to September, it’s even tougher.
Actually, you can feel sorry for yourself — if you pay taxes.
I predict it’s only a matter of time until some judge somewhere says the lack of air-conditioning in state prisons is cruel and unusual punishment.
And then you get to foot the bill for the retrofitting of many large prison buildings.
It will be a large bill, too. It may be so large that you have to turn off your air-conditioning every now and then to pay for it.
Now wouldn’t that be ironic?
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