Edwards exposed

Dear John: (irony intended) What were you thinking?

Did you ever for a moment actually believe that your (ick) “sex tape” with Rielle Hunter would remain secret?

John Edwards is making mop-haired Rod Blagojevich look like Winston Churchill here. Worse, he's making horny Bill Clinton look like the pope.

Johnny Boy, you may recall, was the Democrats’ VP nominee in ’04 and a serious candidate for the top spot in ’08.

If the phenom called Barack Obama had decided to sit out that race and get a little seasoning, Edwards could be in the White House today (instead of his ex-wife’s doghouse).

Yet in 2006, when the race for the presidency was just getting going, John and Rielle decided to get it on before the camera.

Puh-lease! How could he not know that would eventually boomerang on him like a nuclear weapon? Wasn't he a super-smart lawyer?

And now the mixed-up mistress wants the tape back. Morals? Hardly. She probably realizes it’s worth big bucks. And what does that say about her I.Q. in letting this gold mine slip through her fingers?

What a seamy, stupid mess.

I used to think that Ross Perot was the looniest person who almost/maybe became president. John Edwards has now taken that trophy from him.

Let’s hope no one outdoes this stunt.

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Ford rules!

Have you driven a Ford lately?

Apparently, lots of you folks have.

The Ford Motor Co. did something that no U.S. automaker has done in a long time.

It made a profit last year. A big one. $2.7 billion!

And Ford was the only one of the Big Three that didn’t have to beg Uncle Sam for bailout bucks when the recession was cranking up.

Yee haw! There may be hope for the U.S. auto industry yet. Or at least a third of it.

Critics used to sneer that F-O-R-D stood for Found On Road Dead.

Maybe now they’ll say it means Full Of Resilient Dominance. (OK, I am going to work on that acronym.)

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, GM says it will pay Toyota customers a thousand bucks if they will switch brands.

Now, I may not be one of those power-tie-wearin’ Wall Street financiers, but that doesn’t seem like a good way to make money – bribing people to buy your products.

Congress thought along those lines when it dreamed up the Cash for Clunkers program. But those clowns never had a lick of fiscal sense, so that scheme wasn’t surprising.

The suits at GM should know better. Then again, maybe that’s why GM is hanging on by its fingertips.

We shall see.

But it’s nice to think that you can still buy an extended warranty on at least one U.S. car and hope the company will be there in a few years.

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The real State of the Union

Here is the real State of the Union, the speech that President Obama wanted to give but was talked out of at the last minute.

Through my extensive journalistic contacts in Washington, I have been able to obtain a rare transcript of the speech that officially does not exist:

“My fellow Americans: Thank you for taking the time to listen to me tonight, but I must warn you. This will not be your standard State of the Union bullride. I am going to level with you.

“The State of our Union is not good. In fact, if we were a company, we’d be holding a going-out-of-business sale, the pathetic kind where you even unload the office furniture.

“Basically, we’re a B&B. That’s the worst combination you can have – broke and borrowing.

“My health care plan is DOA, even though I still have to pretend I can resuscitate it. But if you want an alternative from the Republicans, you’ll be DOA before it happens.

“Congress has some good people, but also lots of posers, hacks and errand boys. My party has too many people who think government can do everything. The other party has too many people who think government can do nothing.

“But that’s OK, because many of their constituents don’t deserve better representation. You voters want us to keep cutting your taxes while giving you more government goodies. Do the math on that one, pinheads.

“The recession is not over, no matter what Bernanke says. (And he deserved Time’s Person of the Year like I deserved the Nobel Peace Prize.)

“Fact is, the recession is probably just taking a breather before it really nails us later this year. Hey, it’s so bad that even oil companies aren’t making money! And if you think there will be an American carmaker still operating in 10 years, you probably think reality shows are real.

“And that’s another thing: I couldn’t even give this damn speech when I wanted because it would clash with the premier of ‘Lost.’ What’s up with that? I ought to give away the ending and spoil it for you clowns.

“My Cabinet is doing a decent job, but Joe Biden still says something stupid every other day. Sometimes I wish I had chosen Hillary instead for VP, but Bill would have been over here all the time, trying to give me free advice on how he did it back in the good ol’ days. What a putz.

“I suppose we’ll muddle through somehow; we always do. But the chances of your kid wearing a paper hat instead of holding a sheepskin are pretty high, and soon we may start issuing IOUs instead of T-bills.

“In fact, I’d be real depressed if it weren’t for the fact that we’re going to have a good Super Bowl this year. If you take the Colts and give the points, you’ll have some extra spending money the next day. Just don’t forget to report your winnings on your tax return.

“So good night and God bless. And just remember, it could have been worse. John Edwards could’ve gotten this job instead.”

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Bum steer

Kiefer Sutherland is the latest rich guy to prove the old adage:

“A fool and his money are soon parted.”

He got taken for $869,000 by a con artist. And the scam is so bad you wonder how anyone could get suckered by it.

The scammer convinced Sutherland to give him a truckload of money so he could buy cattle in Mexico and resell them in the states for big bucks.

R U kidding?

You don’t even have to a rancher to see how shaky this one is.

There isn’t a big profit margin in beef as it is. And I don’t think U.S. consumers are clamoring for Mexican meat.

The scammer is lucky he snookered Sutherland and not his TV persona, Jack Bauer.

Ol’ Jack would have hung the bad guy by his wrists and made him, ahem, regret his misdeeds.

But of course there’s a difference between real life and make-believe.

It’s just like the difference between real business deals and scams.

Maybe Sutherland/Bauer knows that now.

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Bungling burglar

It’s happened again.

Another pathetic criminal has revealed that this country is losing its edge.

In the latest affront, a 20-year-old burglar had to be driven to his target home … by his mommy!

That’s right, Mr. and Mrs. America. The little punk didn’t even have enough gumption to find his own ride – or Lord forbid, drive himself!

John Dillinger must be rolling over in his grave.

What is wrong with this once-great country of ours? We can’t even produce decent criminals.

How in the hell are we going to do something really hard, like putting a man on Mars or designing a mid-sized SUV that will get 20 miles to the gallon?

Somebody needs to sit this twerp down and level with him, as in:

“Listen up, Skippy! Mommy isn’t always going to be there to hold your widdle hand!

“You need to man up and start doing these jobs on your own. And that means all the way, from casing the joint, finding a point of entry, cutting the phone lines to managing a clean getaway. And yes, you have to fence your own loot too!

“Get with the program, loser. It’s called being an adult!”

Please tell me this clown didn’t ask for mommy to tuck him in at night at the jail.

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How government works

This one came across e-mail the other day.

You may think it is funny. If you don't, you probably work for the government:

HOW GOVERNMENT WORKS

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman's position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people -- one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people -- one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they added a time keeper and a payroll officer.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people -- an administrative officer, assistant administrative officer and a legal secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this department in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cut back."

So they laid off the night watchman.

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Heavier than air

It’s about time: Air France is going to start charging double fare for “plus-sized” passengers who can’t fit into a single seat.

This is good news for everyone who weighs less than 400 pounds.

The rest of the copycat airline industry will probably adopt this rule within weeks.

When that magic day arrives, your chances of being scrunched between a massive collection of cellulite and the plane’s aluminum wall will be much smaller.

Organizations for the obese will squawk, of course, but let ‘em holler. After all, this is a safety issue too.

If your plane landed unexpectedly in, say, the Hudson River and you had to crawl over one of these mounds of pounds, let’s just say your heirs would be arguing over your will right about now.

And how would you like to be the pilot having to continually correct the flight path because the plane kept listing to one side?

No, my friends, some people were not meant to fly. And if they do insist on going airborne, they should be gently steered toward cargo carriers.

If any of this offends you, well, you’re probably one of those people who has to board and airplane with the assistance of a forklift.

Happy flying. And always remember, Wendy’s does have a salad bar too.

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Tiger hunting

I’m gonna go waaaay out on a limb here and guess that Tiger Woods is not a happy camper.

He’s just been “discovered” again, and like the last time, not in a good way.

The celeb Web site radaronline.com says the next issue of – what else? – the National Enquirer will have photos of Tiger at a rehab clinic in Mississippi.

Apparently, the rumors are true: The world’s top golfer is being treated for sexual addiction.

Yikes. It’s hard to remember anyone else who fell this far this fast.

But Tiger had to see this one coming since the bombshell burst. He can run but he can’t hide from all the cameras in the world.

He’s managed to stay in Howard Hughes-like seclusion for nearly two months. It’s a miracle he lasted that long, but of course the end was inevitable.

As annoyed as he may be at being outed here, he needs to get used to it.
It won’t end, unless …

Unless he sits down with Oprah or Larry King or somebody like that and address his little problems head on.

If he doesn’t, every other encounter with the media will circle back to, ahem, his private “ladies tour.”

If he does, he can smile – through gritted teeth – and say, “Sorry, guys, but I’ve already addressed that and I’m trying to move forward.”

What a mess he’s made of an incredible life.

Tiger needs to understand he can’t get a Mulligan here.

He needs to play this one where it landed, even if it’s in a truly icky place.

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Star wars

Apparently our long national nightmare will be over soon.

No, I’m not talking about the health care debate or the war on terror.

I’m talking about the thing that that everyone has been talking about – the Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien clash on NBC.

Everyone has been feeling sorry for Conan and making Jay the villain, which is party understandable. Poor Conan is getting moved out of his dream job after just seven months.

But he was getting beat in the ratings by David Letterman. If he had been topping the gap-toothed one, NBC probably would have kept him where he was – and told Leno to take a hike.

Reason No. 2 not to feel too sorry for Conan is what he is getting to walk away: $40 million. That’s a lot of cabbage.

So it looks like Leno takes back the Tonight Show, and Conan sits out for a while and re-emerges on Fox.

Then those two and Letterman will be duking it out at 10:35 p.m. Talk about a Confluence of Comedy.

Now maybe we can go back to worrying about something more important, serious and meaningful. I hereby nominate the following topic:

“Is Tiger Woods a sex addict who needs rehab?”

Talk amongst yourselves.

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Heene the Wienie

There ought to be a law.

A law against pleading guilty in court to get a light sentence ... and then taking it all back once you get the slap on the wrist!

That is the scam being pulled by Richard Heene, better known as the father of Balloon Boy.

Heene and his ditzy wife faced all kinds of charges after their October stunt, which it turns out was designed to help them snare a reality show gig.

In the shallow realm of what is loosely (and pathetically) called Reality TV, people like Heene can bluff, lie and spin at will. In fact, it’s almost a requirement.

In a court of law, however, that dog won’t hunt. So Heene had to face facts and admit the truth.

As a spokeswoman for the D.A. said, "The bottom line is he entered his plea in court and was advised fully by the judge and the evidence was pretty overwhelming."

So it’s settled, right? Hell no!

Soon after wiping away the fake tears he shed for the judge at sentencing, Heene started singing a different tune.

The incredibly ancient Larry King even gave him airtime to insist that the little balloon adventure was not a hoax and that he really thought his son was inside the homemade craft.

(Which I have thought all along looked like more of a shiny chef’s hat rather than a balloon, but I digress.)

Now Heene has even found a documentary film maker who will, well, make a documentary film about how he was framed and all.

What a waste.

Heene the Wienie ought to shut up. If he won’t do that, somebody ought to offer him a role in a remake of “Lost in Space.”

All he has to do is get in one of his goofy balloons ... and float away.

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Don't just sympathize, donate

The scenes in Haiti defy belief. We wonder how we can help these people from our safe homes.

Here's a good way:

Below is a list of organizations responding to the earthquake and how to contact them. We are running this list on our Web site.

The experts say it's probably better to donate to an organization that already has a presence in Haiti instead of a group that has no experience there.

As always, be wary of e-mail scams. There has to be a special place in hell for creeps who look at a disaster like this and ask themselves, "How can I make some money off of it?"

Be generous, and be quick. Lives are at stake:

-- The American Red Cross: 1-800-REDCROSS, or in Spanish, 1-800-257-7575 or online at www.redcross.org

-- The Salvation Army: 1-800-SAL-ARMY or www.salvationarmyusa.org or by mail at The Salvation Army World Service Office, International Disaster Relief Fund, P.O. Box 630728 Baltimore, MD 21263-0728 or to your local Salvation Army Corps.

-- Haitian Multicultural Association: 9819 Bissonette Houston, Tx 77036 (713) 271-8988

-- International Rescue Committee: www.theirc.org

-- National Nurses United seeks nurse volunteers at www.nationalnursesunited.org

-- Doctors Without Borders: donate.doctorswithoutborders.org

-- Catholic Relief Services: www.crs.org

-- American Jewish World Services: ajws.org or (212) 792-2900

-- Haitian Education Project: haitianeducationproject@saintleo.edu or 800-334-5532

-- AT&T Wireless customers can donate $10 to Red Cross International by texting HAITI to 90999

-- Buckner International, a global ministry to orphans, vulnerable children and families, is providing humanitarian aid to earthquake victims in Haiti and is seeking cash donations to cover the cost of shipping for four containers (est. cost $5,000 each):
www.buckner.org

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Haiti aftershocks

What is it about a disaster that bring out the worst in people?

People like Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh.

The talkin’ televangelist said Haiti’s earthquake happened because when it was still a French colony its leaders “swore a pact to the devil” to get out from “under the heel of the French.”

Then he launched into a loopy story about how Haiti got its independence, complete the devil agreeing with the proposal by saying, "OK, it’s a deal.”

Sheesh.

Then rumblin’ Rush said the killer quake would be exploited by Obama to look “compassionate” and “humanitarian” while at the same time bolstering his popularity in both the “light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country.”

Puh-lease! Can’t we all get along?

Haiti was already one of the poorest nations on earth. Now it’s gone down several more notches, if that’s even possible.

Its long-suffering people need aid, and pronto.

The historical/geopolitical debate can wait.

That will also let the talking heads think twice about what they’re gonna say ... and maybe not say it.

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Bank shot

You gotta hand it to those Wall Street bankers. Hounded by Congress and hated by millions of working stiffs, they are trying to make amends.

In fact, a bunch of them apologized Wednesday “for risky behavior that led to the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.” Here is their official statement:

“Dear Suckers:

“Our lawyers told us we have to pretend to regret becoming mega-millionaires at your expense, so here goes.

“If we could have gotten filthy rich without stealing from you, we’d have done it. But it was easier to just fleece you, so we’re sure you will understand.

“Basically, we did it because we could. In fact, we’re going to do it again the next time you’re not looking.

"Please don't look so surprised when we tell you this. It will make us respect you less -- if that's possible.

“So let’s ‘move beyond’ the blame game and ‘let the healing process begin.’

"And pretty soon, too, because the recession we had a large part in causing has created some super real estate deals. We really want to snap them up.

“Thank you and have a nice day.”

Well, that’s better. Thanks, fellas.

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N B See TV

What a mess. NBC has too many late night comedians and not enough time slots for them.

Tsk, tsk. The Peacock Network should adopt the following rotating schedule to bring peace in our time:

Monday, Jay Leno at 10:30 p.m. (leading with the “headlines” bit, even though it often includes restaurant menus or product labels), followed by Conan O’Brien at 11:30 (with hot young actresses plugging current movies) and Jimmy Fallon at 12:30 (with rock bands you’ve never heard of).

Tuesday, Conan at 10:30, (featuring one of those of those bits where he goes into a goofy store and says goofy things), followed by Leno at 11:30 (with old male actors like Harrison Ford plugging current movies) and Jimmy Fallon at 12:30 (featuring one of those bits where he brings audience members onstage for hilarious competitions).

Wednesday, Jimmy Fallon leads off at 10:30 (with hot young singers plugging current albums), then Conan at 11:30 (featuring “In the Year 2000”) and then at 12:30 reruns of “The Best of Carson.”

Thursday, Jay Leno at 10:30 (featuring a Jaywalking bit), then Jimmy Fallon jumping up to 11:30 (with hot young actresses plugging current TV shows) and then Conan at 12:30 with a “serious” interview of a politician, but not someone old and boring like John McCain or Joe Biden.

Friday, Conan at 10:30 (with a bit where he takes over the Universal tour bus and does zany things), Leno at 11:30 (with an old rock band making a reunion tour) and then reruns of the Tom Snyder Show from the ‘70s with segments like that interview with a young George Bush (the first one, not the second one).

There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

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Big Mac's secret sauce

So Big Mac has come clean. Sort of.

Former home-run king Mark McGwire has admitted using steroids and human growth hormone when he was hitting all those moonshots.

Duh.

This one was as obvious as the snow on the North Pole.

Only the terminally stupid could be surprised by this “confession.”

Over the years, tons of evidence have emerged to show that McGwire and many other sluggers were heavily juiced in a period of baseball history now correctly referred to as “The Steroid Era.”

Yes, it’s good that Big Mac has finally dropped the pretense of pretending.

No, it’s not good that he is still hiding behind a couple of familiar lies:

No. 1: “I did this for health purposes. There’s no way I did this for any type of strength purposes.”

(Yeah, right. And Amy Winehouse gets sloshed to prevent dehydration.)

No. 2: Those darned drugs didn’t even help that much: “I had good years when I didn’t take any, and I had bad years when I didn’t take any. I had good years when I took steroids, and I had bad years when I took steroids.”

(Sure, Mark. Being able to hit the ball an extra 100 feet -- because you’re cheating -- probably would have no effect on a cleanup hitter.)

The real benefit of McGwire’s admission, lame as it is, is that the pressure is now turned up on other juicers to end their lies too.

Sammy, Barry, Roger, Rafael, etc., are you listening?

The fans will be waiting, and not so patiently.

And no, we won’t be fooled by your silly excuses and non-denials.

You can’t undo the damage you did to the game -- and to thousands of impressionable kids who harmed their bodies in countless ways.

But you can take some responsibility for this stinking mess, and that would be something.

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Bowled over

Yeah, yeah, I know it didn't turn out as I predicted Thursday night at the Rose Bowl.

That's tough. But ...

Even getting past the loss of our QB in the opening minutes, the game still could have been won if Texas receivers had caught a few more passes (like that one in the end zone in the first half!) and better play-calling from the upstairs booth (like fooling around at the end of the first half instead of just kneeling down).

Oh, well, we'll get 'em next year. Hook 'em, Horns!

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Horns rule!

The so-called experts made 'Bama 4-point favorites in Thursday night's game against our Horns.

Shows what they know, which is not much.

The boys in Burnt Orange will do what they did in '05 -- win a national championship by upsetting the so-called favorites.

Final score: Texas 33, Alabama 24. You read it here first.

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Unhappy hooker

Maria Mosterd is miffed.

A Dutch court just rejected her lawsuit against her former high school. She says it didn’t do enough to stop her from becoming a prostitute.

No, that is not a misprint.

Mixed-up Maria says the real cause of her unhappy career choice is that many pimps in the Netherlands hang around schools and look for vulnerable girls like her to exploit.

Maria’s mom even said, “This happens at many schools, and nobody takes responsibility for it. We hoped we would win to make the point that this is going on at schools.”

Mama mia, Maria!

Maybe the pimp problem is as bad as she says and something ought to be done about it. But the person who needs to “take responsibility” for her sleazy sideline would be ... none other than Maria herself!

Ya see, the job of schools is to teach readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmatic (curiously referred to as the 3 R’s even though only one of those words begins with an R).

Thank God one Dutch court struck a blow for common sense, even though common sense doesn’t always prevail in the halls of justice.

As for Maria the misfit, she and her moronic mom are in need of some further education.

I would suggest a remedial course in “It’s My Life 101.”

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Air scare

The feds have finally figured out that we were reeaally lucky on Christmas Day, when an al Qaida stooge tried to blow an airliner out of the sky.

And now they are trying to figure out how to stop the next attack -- and of course there will be a next attack.

The prez himself said, said, “We have to do better and we will do better and we have to do it quickly.”

So as the brain trust at Homeland Security, the FBI, the CIA, etc. try to conjure up how to "do better," here's my suggestion:

Let's do what we are already supposed to do.

As in, searching people or luggage that look suspicious.

Being alert for travelers who pay cash for one-way tickets with no luggage.

And putting people on watch lists when we get solid information that they should be on watch lists.

If we do these things -- basic precautions we were supposed to taking all along -- we'll be a lot safer.

If the experts want to dream up new tricks, I'm all for it.

But if the new regs are occasionally ignored like the old regs, our luck won't hold out.

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Back in the Saddle II

The stay-cation is over, and I am ready to charge into this new year.

But first I have one burning question:

Will we call the new year "two thousand and ten" or "twenty ten"?

Just wondering.

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