Your tax dollars at work

I guess this is what passes for belt-tightening in the government.

President Obama is trimming a pay raise for federal workers from 2.4 percent to 2 percent.

That’s right, taxpayers. It goes down all of 0.4 percentage points.

If I were the prez, I'd tell federal workers this:

“Dear bureaucrat: In view of the lingering recession and gloomy prospects for a turnaround any time soon, your pay raise will be reduced … to zero.

“No, that is not a misprint. Instead of 2.4 percent more on your paychecks, you will get 0 percent more.

“You may not want to turn cartwheels down the hall over that news, and I understand that. But many of the people who pay your salary — that would be actual taxpayers in the private sector — are getting by with small raises, no raises, and in some cases, no paychecks because they were laid off.

“So consider yourself fortunate to have a job and keep plugging away. If this non-raise offends you in any way, feel free to turn in your resignation and try your luck in the real world. In fact, I’ll waive the two-week notice and let you leave immediately.

“Have a nice day, and don’t forget to recycle.”

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Steep sheep

I hope this doesn’t sound bigoted, but if you seen one sheep, you’ve seen ’em all.

Apparently, British farmer Jimmy Douglas disagrees. He just coughed up the record price of $347,000 for a sheep he describes as the finest specimen he’s ever seen.

Jeez, Jimmy. For that money, the critter needs to predict stock prices.

I wouldn’t pay 300 grand for a sheep unless I was starving on a deserted island and it was there too. And I had a knife and fork.

For the record, this is an 8-month-old Texel ram. Even has a name befitting its lofty price — Deveronvale Perfection.

Farmer Jimmy also says it has “a great body and strong loin.”

That’s it; I’m outta here. What a man does between him and his livestock should stay on the farm.

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Rock on

This is one caper that will be tough to crack:

Who put the fake moon rock in the Dutch national museum? And how could it have fooled so many people for so many years?

The story, and it’s a strange one, is that the former prime minister said the rock was given to him by the U.S. ambassador in 1969 during a visit by the Apollo 11 astronauts.

But the supposedly extra-terrestrial treasure is just … a piece of petrified wood! From earth!

What the hay? Did NASA give out a phony souvenir … or did the Dutch prime minister steal the stone and substitute something he found in his back yard? (I think that was the plot of a "Columbo" episode.)

Now that the caper has been exposed, geologists from Amsterdam’s Free University said they could tell at a glance that the rock was not from the moon. Well, duh! Why didn’t they notice that a looong time ago?

Another expert saw it on display in 2006 and said it was highly unlikely that NASA would have given away a valuable moon rock just three months after “one small step.”

Somebody got punked.

Museum officials need to check the other exhibits to see if any more hoaxes are lurking.

I’d start with the Kentucky Fried Chicken box that supposedly came from Van Gogh's last meal.

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Multi muddle

This can’t be much of a surprise to anyone with common sense:

All those obnoxious, Type A folks who brag about “multi-tasking” are not nearly as efficient and productive as they think.

In fact, according to researchers at Stanford University, which has a bunch of really smart people and not just multi-taskers who think they are, “multi-taskers are more easily distracted and less able to ignore irrelevant information than people who do less multi-tasking.”

It figures. In the primitive days before the Internet, people who did two things at once were thought of as scatterbrained and undisciplined. Overnight, they somehow became twice as smart and half as lazy as mere mortals.

Finally, these nerds have been exposed. As a Stanford prof put it, “Is multi-tasking causing them to be lousy at multi-tasking, or is their lousiness at multi-tasking causing them to be multi-taskers?”

Or as I would put it, “Are they annoying because they multi-task, or do they multi-task because they are annoying?”

Who knows. I wonder if the next big revelation will be that an abacus whiz can outperform a calculator king.

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Rhode woes

Rhode Island must not have gotten the word. Four days after Fed chief Ben Bernanke said the recession is ending, things are still grim in the country’s tiniest state.

In fact, Rhode Island is going to shut down its state government for 12 full days. I say let’s go one step further and shut down the entire state — for good.

Rhode Island has no legitimate claim to statehood any more.

Maybe back in the ol’ days 1,545 square miles was a lot of land. Today it’s a good-sized farm or national park.

The city of Houston is almost half that size at 600 square miles. And waaaay back in 1960, Houston had about as many people as Rhode Island does today — just over a million. In fact, the 1990 census was the first time Rhode Island cracked the seven-figure mark on population. (And it’s not even a real island either!)

We should let neighboring states bid on the puny principality. Or, if none of them want it, make ’em draw straws and insist the winner/loser take it in.

If government were a business, Rhode Island would have been downsized long ago. I guarantee you that six months after we do it, no one will notice it’s gone.

Sorry, Rhode Island. You had a nice little run, but the rest of the country can’t keep stringing you along forever and pretending you’re equal to real states. Please clean out your desk by the end of the year.

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Daring death

I guess we’ve all done some dumb things in our lives.

Still, it’s hard to feel sorry for the folks along the Maine coast who found out too late why park rangers kept begging them to back away from the gigantic waves formed by Hurricane Bill.

At Acadia National Park, a huge wave washed over a group of close-in gawkers and swept about 20 of them back into the frigid, churning waters.

A 7-year-old girl drowned. Several others got broken bones from being slammed onto rocks by subsequent waves. (Ouch.) Two daredevils couldn’t get back to shore on their own and had to be rescued (a risky thing for the crews involved).

At another site in Maine, the resort town of Old Orchard Beach, 22 people had to be rescued after repeatedly failing to heed warnings to back away from the heavy surf.

Jeez. I guess there is something thrilling about watching enormous waves break over the beach. But it would also be fascinating to watch a tiger up close or wonder what it’s like to wander through a minefield.

Apparently, some people think they’re bulletproof. Or they want to impress someone by “getting close.” Or they’re stupid.

Whatever. In the end, it’s just Nature’s way of thinning the gene pool.

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Accounts receivable

So what is it with NFL receivers?

They have become the new all-purpose sports villain.

Early Friday morning Tennessee Titans receiver Chris Davis was busted for DWI.

The day before former Giants receiver Plaxico Burress pleaded guilty to illegally packing a pistol and got two years.

That sentence was notable, because Browns receiver Donte Stallworth got just 24 days for killing a person when driving drunk.

And the Cowboys upended their entire franchise by getting rid of receiver Terrell Owens in the off-season — causing the Bills to upend their entire franchise by signing him.

And the Bengals wish they could get rid of their perennial headache, receiver Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco.

And first-round draft-pick receiver Michael Crabtree is threatening to shock the NFL by not signing with his team and sitting out a year.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. Which is:

How is it that catching a football turns normal jocks into head cases?

Oh, for the good ol’ days, when wrasslers and boxers caused all the trouble in sports.

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Plax ’n’ prison

So former Giants receiver Plaxico Burress doesn’t have to worry about getting blindsided by a cornerback this year. Or next.

Plax, of course, will be a guest of the taxpayers for the next two years in a small room with steel bars. That’s what you get for packing a pistol in New York City without a license.

Technically, Plax pleaded guilty to “one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon.” Excuse me, but there wasn’t anything “attempted” about it. Plax really was possessing, as proved when he shot himself in the leg with the gun in question.

Jeez, don’t they have gun safety classes at NFL rookie camps any more? Guess not.

To make matters worse, this wide receiver goes into prison just as quarterback Michael Vick gets out. Talk about bad timing on doing time.

At least if they were in together, you’d have one heck of a prison football team. Or the lead roles for “The Longest Yard III.”

Oh, well, that’s the way the ball bounces. And it’s worth pointing out again that another NFL receiver/screwup, Donte Stallworth, served only 24 days in jail for killing a human being.

Puzzling, that is.

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Drink 'til it hurts

Compared to the anti-alcohol fanatics in Malaysia, our own Carrie Nation was a softie.

Sure, she carried an ax, but the tool was for the places that sold demon rum, not the drinkers.

Things are going to be a little rougher in Malaysia for a Muslim woman who was caught -- gasp, horror! -- drinking beer in a raid on a hotel night club.

The unlucky lass will get six lashes from a cane. And she really is unlucky, as she’s the first "criminal" to get that sentence for tossing back a few.

It sounds kinda barbaric, but the prosecutor was kinda proud of what he achieved:

“It is a good punishment because under Islamic law a person who drinks commits a serious offense.”

In fact, to show he’s not some kind of savage, the prosecutor noted that the little lady would be beaten by a lighter-grade rattan cane than the one used on men.

After all, he said the purpose is to “educate” rather than punish.

OK, he’s convinced me. But I’m taking away a different lesson from this teachable moment than the one he was thinking about.

As in, some folks still haven’t figured out that this is 21st century, not the 12th.

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Brett’s back (again)

So Brett Favre has unretired yet again. No surprise there, as he has left and come back more than a stray dog at the back door of a butcher shop.

But he needs to figure out a new way to say what he’s going to do, or not do:

-- Aug. 18, 2009, announcing his latest comeback with the Vikings, his second team since the Packers: “I felt I did everything I possibly could do to get where I need to be.”

-- March 4, 2008, announcing his first retirement, later undone by a stint with the Jets: “I’ve given everything I possibly can give to this organization, to the game of football … ”

Tsk, tsk. Let’s hope next year’s announcement is different.

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Weird but true

These are strange times we live in.

A review of real news looks like something from The Onion:

Former GOP Congressman Tom “The Hammer” DeLay is going on “Dancing With the Stars.”

(He moves pretty well for an older guy, but when he’s on the floor, he keeps shifting to the right.)

Someone named Y.E. Yang has beaten Tiger Woods on the last day of a major tournament.

(Even more incredibly, Yang didn’t start playing golf until he was 19. Seriously!)

And Omarosa is going to become a minister! That’s right, the trash-talking, hard-driving veteran of “The Apprentice” and other reality TV shows is going to become a woman of the cloth.

(Title of her first sermon: “Turn the other cheek — unless you need to bitch-slap that hussy first.”)

Oh, well. If everything was predictable, life would be boring. Heck, maybe that Astros-Rangers World Series will happen this year after all!

… OK, I did go a little overboard there.

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Hold the phone

Look, I know it's the duty of union reps to stick up for their guys no matter what.

Still, I’d be a little leery of jumping to the defense of the air traffic controller who was making a personal phone call while a plane and helicopter collided over the Hudson River recently. Nine people died there.

For this little distraction, the controller has been suspended. Same for his supervisor, who was not in the room at the time and thus couldn’t supervise.

That didn’t sit well with a former union rep for controllers at JFK Airport, who said, “This had absolutely nothing to do with the accident. This controller is being used as a scapegoat. The whole thing is absurd.”

Gee, I dunno. I hate to be obsessive-compulsive about this, but if I’m on a plane, I want my air traffic controller looking at my radar blip and talking to my pilot.

Maybe not all the time, but at least I don’t want him yakking on a cell phone or surfing the Net or arguing about last night’s game around the water cooler.

Statistically, commercial flying is very safe. But there’s this funny thing about it:

You run into something up there, and it’s probably the last mistake you will ever make.

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Oh Ricky you're so fine ...

The great drama over whether Rick Pitino would be canned for his “indiscretion” is over. He’s not going anywhere.

In fact, there was no chance that a coach with a record like his would pay a price for the, uh, incident in question.

Heck, if you read the beginning of the statement from Louisville president Dr. James Ramsey, you might think that Randy Ricky just got a Nobel Prize or somethin’:

“Rick Pitino is the University of Louisville’s basketball coach. He has been a role model for countless young people and a positive influence on this community. … ”

Absa-tively, Jimmy. Just because he banged a groupie on a restaurant table and then gave her 3 grand for an abortion — oops, I mean “health insurance” — is no reason to do something rash.

I mean, what if his replacement didn’t win 20 games and get into the NCAA tourney? Could a greater tragedy befall the university?

Whatever. At least Pitino will suffer the indignities of countless smart-aleck waiters in the future, who will say things like:

“Good evening, Mr. Pitino. … Would you like a table for two?”

or

“Good evening, Mr. Pitino. Would you like to be seated in our Family Section … or by that table near the bar with all the hot chicks?”

or

“Good evening, Mr. Pitino. Tonight’s special is a ‘pig in a blanket.’ … Or have you already brought one?”

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Pitino's no-no

What a putz Rick Pitino is.

He has forgotten all the rules about being a big-time college basketball coach:

1) Don’t have sex with a woman who is not your wife.

2) If you do, don’t have sex with a woman who is not your wife who resembles the creepy character played by Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”

3) If you do, don’t have sex with a woman who is not your wife who resembles the creepy character played by Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” ON THE TABLE OF A RESTAURANT!

Thank God it was closed. Gosh, are motel rooms that hard to get in Louisville?

4) If you do, don’t have sex with a woman who is not your wife who resembles the creepy character played by Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” ON THE TABLE OF A RESTAURANT while ONE OF YOUR ASSISTANT COACHES LINGERS ON THE SIDE!

Puh-lease! What was his role? Hand you a towel at a crucial moment? Blow the whistle on any charging foul?

... The real question now is whether the “moral depravity” clause in Pitino’s contract will be invoked and he will be told to hit the road.

My guess is that University of Louisville President James Ramsey will study this matter carefully, consulting scholars and law books, and above all considering the impact this could have on impressionable young students.

... Nah, I’m just kidding. Ramsey will base his decision on Pitino’s won-loss record and this year’s recruiting class. He’s safe.

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Taliban troubles

And you thought your job was rough.

In the Pakistan Taliban, you could get capped by the Americans or the Pakistani government … or your fellow gang members!

For example, the head honchos of the Taliban in Pakistan were holding a special meeting to decide who would replace their former leader, Baitullah Mehsud. Mehsud, it seems, had met an untimely demise at the business end of a missile fired by an American drone.

And what happened at this special meeting? Well, tempers flared … some things were said … and in the amusing words of the news report, “A fierce fight broke out during the Shura (Council) meeting … in which two favourites for Baitullah’s successor, Hakimullah Mehsud and Mufti Wali-ur-Rehman, were killed.”

Holy cow, haven’t these guys ever heard of conflict resolution? … OK, maybe they haven’t, seeing as they’re murderous thugs and all that.

Still, that’s what Johnny Carson used to call a rough crowd. What if you were planning the New Year’s party for the office and you ordered the wrong snacks? Let’s just say it could be your last mistake.

Back to Mehsud: According to the New York Times, this guy got nailed by a drone when he was, of all things, getting a drip infusion for his kidney ailment from one of his two wives on a rooftop.

I kid you not!

Good grief. If you were Public Enemy No. 1 in Pakistan and you knew that a U.S. drone was flying around looking for you, it might be wise TO STAY OFF ROOFTOPS!

What a bunch of clowns. I’d sure hate to be their life-insurance salesman.

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Scottish sloths

You can bet that Glasgow, Scotland, won’t put this one on any of those slick chamber-of-commerce brochures they hand out in rest stops.

It's been named the laziest city in the United Kingdom.

It’s true, ’cause numbers don’t lie:

36 percent of Glasgowites would not run to catch a bus. (Though in fairness, if it was a bus to a hamburger stand, the total increased slightly.)

52 percent won’t walk their dogs. (I’m guessing that therefore the dogs are fat too.)

Can it get worse? Yes it can! 72 percent won’t even make love to their spouse at the end of a hard day of doing nothing! (“Not tonight, dear. I just had an extra-large pizza.”)

How bad is it overall? It’s this bad: In rundown parts of Glasgow (no, that is not redundant) the life-expectancy of men is only 54.

Geez, in Iraq that number is 67 — and in that country you have to put up with the odd car bombing, which can put a serious crimp in your life expectancy.

A quote from Glasgow resident Bill Laidlaw says it all:

“The only thing I’m tired of is being constantly called lazy and unhealthy by the government and doctors. Every week we’re getting knocked by the government, or this survey or that. If they spent some money where it counts rather than these surveys, we’d all be better off.”

With that, Laidlaw abruptly ended the interview … and waddled off to a donut shop.

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Paper chase

In a capitalist country, when a recession hits, you eat out less or postpone that purchase of a big-screen TV.

In a communist country, when a recession hits, you feel it closer to home. Or closer to the bathroom.

Take Cuba, for example. This glorious island people’s republic is experiencing an embarrassing shortage of … toilet paper.

That’s right, comrade. After you’ve done your business (the only kind of business allowed in a socialist paradise) you may find yourself lacking the people’s best friend.

Sure, you’ve got an AK-47 and a fancy book of the Glorious Leader’s thoughts, but you can’t squeeze the Charmin like those fiends on Wall Street.

In times like this, I suggest tearing out a page or two of the Glorious Leader’s thoughts and using that paper in a way that’s actually appropriate.

Just don’t get caught by the secret police, or you will have bigger problems.

... Workers of the word unite; you have nothing to lose but your stains.

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Going green (literally)

Finally, an environmental group has come up with an idea you can stand on.

It involves conserving water in, of all places, the shower.

Not by showering less. By going with the flow.

That’s right, eco-freaks. The Brazilian environmental group SOS Mata Atlantica is urging people to take a leak in the shower instead of the toilet.

This simple act, it claims, can help a family save up to 1,157 gallons of water per year. Which in turn will somehow help save the Brazilian rainforest.

Hmmm.

Do we really need to encourage people to release their own little jet stream in the shower? Isn’t a lot of this going on anyhow?

How will this help a family save 1,157 gallons of water by flushing less? What if you have a heavy beer drinker in the home; wouldn’t you save even more?

How does this help the rainforest? No one will be cutting down fewer trees or planting less corn on newly cleared land, will they?

If the Brazilian government wants to cut down on bathroom flushes, it needs to install more pay toilets in public places.

You’d have a lot of frustrated people, but at least they’d have a nice rainforest to comfort them as they squirm and look around anxiously.

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Motor City madness

I’m not sure what the worst school district in the country is, but I’ll bet Detroit’s is right up there. Or right down there.

The district has a $259 million deficit and is facing bankruptcy. A recent audit showed why this unfortunate predicament should not be surprising.

Brace yourselves, readers. Even for government, this is pretty bad:

As the AP put it, “Audits of Detroit schools are finding widespread waste in the deficit-ridden district. … That includes $2.1 million a year in health coverage for more than 400 dependents who weren’t eligible. (Auditors) also found a mothballed fleet of 11 motorcycles, 160 unused BlackBerry phones, 97 two-way phones and dozens of medal detecting stations and wands.”

’Nuff said. … I guess this makes Motown schools eligible for a big ol’ bailout from the stimulus funds we borrowed from our children.

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Unemployment 101

Trina Thompson just made a bad career move.

She sued the college that granted her a degree because she can’t get a job.

No, I’m serious. Even in an age when people will sue over anything, this one is hard to take.

It seems that temperamental Trina graduated from Monroe College in New York in April. That is all of four months ago -- in case she can't count, too -- and already the strain of this long ordeal has worn her down.

Apparently no one told Trina there’s a RECESSION going on.

If they had, she might have waited a while longer to file her lawsuit. Then again, if she had any gumption, she’d just try harder to get a job.

Since she has a degree in information technology, eventually she’d land somewhere.

Now, however, every employer in the nation has been alerted to the fact that Trina is not exactly a go-getter willing to start at the bottom and work her way up.

This, of course, will lead to a condition known as “more unemployment.”

Poor, poor Trina. Too bad she didn’t major in common sense. If she had, she might be complaining about how hard work is like the rest of us these days.

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Take a hike

So Secretary of State Hillary is trying to find out from Iran what happened to three American tourists who were hiking in Iraq and ended up on the wrong side of the border.

Some answers would be appreciated. Like the ones the hikers could give when someone asks them, “What the hell were you morons thinking?”

Granted, hiking can be a fun sport — that is, if you’re not in the Army and carrying a 40-pound pack. But of all the places in the world to hike, why would you choose Iraq?

For starters, if you’ve glanced at a paper lately, you’d know THERE’S A WAR GOING ON OVER THERE.

If the Iraqi Tourism Ministry is already selling package deals to Americans, those guys are better salesmen than I thought. I wonder if they’re using the slogan, “Come see Iraq. You’ll get a bang out of it.”

Even within Iraq, the Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis don’t always get along. In fact, they’ve been known to murder each other with great enthusiasm. This is not a good place for strangers to be wandering around in.

And if you stray over the border in northeastern Iran, as these clowns did, you END UP IN IRAN!

If there’s any place worse than Iraq right now, it’s Iran!

Good grief, why would you want to saunter into the middle of this mess? Was the Korean DMZ booked up?

If these explorers get back in the states soon with all their fingernails, they should consider themselves lucky.

Next time they want adventure, they should try something a little safer — like a soccer game in a minefield.

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