Talk about suffering for your art.
Mexican artist Filemon Trevino went through a lot to produce the world’s longest drawing. (A quarter-mile, it is!)
He neglected food, sleep and water over the 6,000 hours it took him to finish it. He grew a beard, and lost 35 pounds. He was even hospitalized seven times for dehydration, heart and kidney problems, all from hours and hours of scribbling in a stuffy room.
Went through 800 pencils, too. (Hope he was buying them in bulk.)
The drawing, by the way, is “a representation of the heart and circulatory system, with symbols including doves, geometric shapes and hundreds of yards of intertwined tubes.”
Gee, I can’t wait to see it.
But there’s drama in this drawing.
The artwork, which consumed his life for over a year, could not compete for a world record. First, someone had to display it and pay the $600 fee for the Guinness Book of World Records.
Luckily for Filemon, his masterpiece was displayed at Regiomontana University. Later, the Guinness guys declared it to be a world record.
Filemon must be relieved.
Otherwise, he might suspect that THE WHOLE THING WAS A GIGANTIC WASTE OF TIME.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Get a life
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Benson busted
Cedric the Entertainer is a funny, talented guy.
He is not to be confused with Cedric the Football Player. He is an idiot, or at least he is acting like one lately.
Benson managed to get arrested twice in a month for being drunk in the wrong place. The first time was on a boat. The second time was in a car.
At that rate, the third time will apparently be on a horse or bicycle. Please make your predictions now.
The second time was once too often for the Chicago Bears, his former employer. Their GM said he had “displayed a pattern of behavior we will not tolerate. … Everyone in this organization is held accountable for their actions.”
So just like that, the former UT star and first-round draft pick is looking for a job.
Can you guess where he will end up?
Well, there are two teams in the NFL that love troublemakers and misfits. One is the Oakland Raiders. The other is in Dallas.
My guess is that another former disgraced Bear, Tank Johnson, is about to be reunited with his old teammate.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Big Brown's bust
The ghost of Affirmed can rest easier. It is still the last horse to win the Triple Crown, back in ’78.
Like a lot of people, I got caught up in Big Brown mania. In Friday’s blog, I even predicted that Brown would win by three lengths.
Well, at least he was at one end of the pack anyway.
Actually, I should have followed my first instincts. In last Monday’s blog, I wondered uneasily about the boasts made by Big Brown’s trainer, Rick Dutrow Jr.
He assured fans that Brown would take the Belmont easily. Even called in a “foregone conclusion.”
In retrospect, you feel suckered by the hype in these situations. There is no such thing as a sure bet, especially in something as chancy as sports. Just ask the Patriots about their “perfect season.”
Big Brown was awesome. But he wasn’t perfect. There is a difference.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Big Brown by ...
OK, by now you know more than you want to know about hoof cracks.
As in, “A quarter crack is a vertical crack in the hoof wall between the toe and heel, usually extending into the coronary band, where the hoof meets the skin of the leg.”
Too much information. What you really want to know is, will Big Brown bag the Belmont too?
The answer is yes, by three lengths. Remember, you read it here first.
If you cash in on my prediction, I expect a share of the winnings.
If Brown bombs, well, you shouldn’t be gambling anyway.
Take up something safer, like knitting.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Hey, whatever happened to ...
We all misplace little things from time to time — keys, eyeglasses, etc. That’s OK.
Losing track of big things is a different matter.
Or so you would think.
Folks in La Crosse, Wis., noticed out that something was missing from the front of the Naval Reservist Station. A six-foot-tall anchor weighing as much as a ton.
The anchor had been in front of the station since 1949 and apparently was stolen months ago. Nobody knows when or how. All they have figured out — belatedly — is that it is now gone.
Pretty embarrassing, eh? What could be worse?
How about losing a lighthouse.
Historians in Wellfleet, Mass. thought the 30-foot lighthouse that once overlooked the harbor was taken down in 1925.
Actually, the cast-iron beacon is Point Montara, Calif., and apparently has been there for a long time. Like since 1925, the year it stopped being in Wellfleet, Mass.
No one knows how it got from the Atlantic Coast to the Pacific.
I think we’ve all learned a lesson here. If you’re going to steal something, do it in La Crosse, Wis., or Wellfleet, Mass.
Your chances of getting caught are not big. Even if the thing you take is.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Take me out to the ball game
Minor league baseball is known for wacky fan-promotion gimmicks.
Like Free Vasectomy night. (You didn’t get it done there. You got a coupon. And I guess you had to be a guy.)
And now Free Funeral night. (As with the vasectomy promotion, this is one you cash in later.)
That’s what Elaine Fulps won at a recent game with the Grand Prairie AirHogs.
Grand Prairie, I know, is near Dallas. I don’t know what an AirHog is.
The promotion succeeded, as most of these wacky ones do. Elaine has a free funeral waiting for her when she checks out. More people know about the AirHogs, although most of them still don’t know what that critter is.
If other minor league teams want to keep pace, they’ll come up with some zany promotions too. I hereby suggest:
1) Free Foreclosed Home Night. Win the front-door keys to a home that some moron financed with a subprime loan. The only downside is you have to throw the family living in it out on the curb.
2) Free SUV Night. Since gasoline got more expensive than milk, all kinds of big ol’ SUVs are suddenly available for next to nothing — and in this case, literally nothing. There is a big disclaimer, however: The gas tank is empty on this behemoth. Bring lots of credit cards for the drive home.
3) Free Cross-Country Airplane Ticket Night. Win this baby and you can take the trip you’ve always dreamed of. By the way, it is coach class, which means you are scrinched on a seat 18 inches wide next to the lavatory. And the inflight movie is "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story."
4) Free tickets to the 10 town hall meetings proposed by John McCain for him and Barack Obama. … OK, maybe this one wouldn’t turn them out in droves.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Posh prison
If this was prison, lock me up.
Brazilian drug trafficker Genilson Lins da Silva had it pretty good in the Sao Paulo slammer.
How good? Very good.
We’re talking a prison cell equipped with a plasma TV set, refrigerator and gym equipment. Oh, and did I mention the $170,000 and two pistols he also had stashed away?
The good times ended Monday when da Silva’s suite, I mean cell, was raided. Wonder how long it took prison officials to notice that their prize inmate was enjoying a little more than “three hots and a cot.”
And here comes the funny part. According to the Associated Press, “authorities have ordered an investigation to find out how Silva got the money and guns into his cell.”
Gee, whiz. I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and suggest …
BIG-TIME BRIBERY AND CORRUPTION?
Just a thought.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Big Brown boasting
The colt named Big Brown has brought more interest to horse racing than the sport has seen in years. Probably not since Secretariat, and that’s going back a ways.
The reason is simple. Big Brown has won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. If he wins again in the Belmont Stakes, he would be the first horse in more than three decades to pull off the big hat trick.
We’ll see on Saturday. But Big Brown’s trainer Rick Dutrow Jr. had better really hope his horse doesn't cross the finish line looking at the hind end of some other critter(s).
Dutrow has already said Big Brown’s third win is a “foregone conclusion.”
And, “If he ever gets in the lead in the Belmont, the race is going to be over. I can’t see any horse coming up and catching him.”
And then, “Forget about it. There’s no way in the world there’s any other horse that’s doing any better than Big Brown. It’s impossible.”
Whooee! That’s a lot of braggin’, Rick. You seem to be forgetting an old adage:
“Choose your words carefully. You may have to eat them.”
Friday, May 30, 2008
Foulk's fate
OK, I’ll take the bait.
Local gadfly Phil Klein challenged me and other media folks to speak out on the sentence proposed for Kerry Foulk.
I don’t know what else The Enterprise will be doing with this case, which is still ongoing. But this is my blog, so here goes.
Foulk is the former substitute teacher in Nederland who pleaded guilty to molesting a 14-year-old girl in 2006.
Phil is outraged because he thinks she’s getting a slap on the wrist. He’s basically right.
It’s not the lightest sentence ever handed down to a sex offender, but she clearly isn’t getting the book thrown at her.
The main problem — so far, at least — is no time behind bars. She’s getting 10 years of probation instead.
That’s not good. What’s even worse is that this is deferred adjudication probation. That means the record of this crime could be sealed if Foulk stays clean.
That kind of break should be limited to cases like a first-offender teen who gets caught shoplifting. If you read the crime stories in our paper, you will see it doled out to all kinds of people who don’t deserve it — like Foulk.
On the plus side, Foulk will have to register as a sex offender. That’s something that fellow perv Jeffrey Klem is trying to avoid. His case is even worse as it involves guilty pleas regarding three little girls.
Foulk also will have to pay for counseling for the victim and her parent. That won’t be cheap. She also will be barred from teaching in public schools.
The plea agreement must still be OK by Judge Layne Walker. I don’t think he’s been soft on crime. In fact, he was hard as nails with Millet Harrison, going to great lengths to keep him in Rusk for disemboweling his mother in 1994.
Foulk doesn't deserve any mercy. Investigators say she tried to get several other kids drunk and molest them too. Yet they also say those cases don’t rise to criminal levels.
You have to remember that the only thing that matters in court is what can be proved with witnesses, testimony, evidence, etc. Prosecutors have a solid case with the 14-year-old girl and a guilty plea. Maybe this is the best deal they could get for someone with no other offenses.
Look at what happened with the creepy polygamist cult in West Texas. The Texas Supreme Court, wall-to-wall with conservative Republicans, said the state didn’t have enough reason to take the kids from that hell-hole.
So there it is. Foulk’s sentence is tougher than some others, but it still feels light.
If Judge Walker could stick her in the can for at least a little while, a lot of people would feel better about this case. I’d be one of them.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
A Stone's throw
So who’s dumber, bubble-headed actress Sharon Stone or the thugs who write propaganda for the Chinese communist government?
I blog, you decide.
Stone kicked off the contest when she tried to think Deep Thoughts about Tibet.
“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” she said. “And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”
Wow. Apparently, the star who peaked in “Basic Instinct” doesn’t know that Chinese communists have been trashing human rights since the day they took power.
If the Chinese Politburo was smart, which it is not, it would have ignored Sharon’s ramblings. Or released a list of her terrible movies, which is most of ’em.
Instead, the official Xinhua News Agency said she was the “public enemy of all mankind.”
Uh, gee, comrade, isn’t that a bit strong? Like a million times too strong?
Especially since Stone said she was “deeply sorry” for her remarks — even though that could imply that Tibetans were not oppressed, which indeed they are.
Yikes. The U.N. should broker a treaty here:
Communist party bosses agree to ease off in Tibet, and Stone swears never to participate in a “Basic Instinct III.”
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
L-ia
It was an innocent mistake. In fact, it happens all the time in geography class.
A Czech soccer official mixed up Latvia and Lithuania.
A Czech team was playing a Lithuanian team, but some Czech guy put the Latvian flag in the game program along with a photo of the Latvian team. Then they played the Latvian national anthem before the game.
(I believe the song is entitled, “Latvia, what a really nice country, and by the way, it is not Lithuania.”)
If you’re Latvian or Lithuanian, you are undoubtedly cheesed off at this slight. For the umpteenth time, your two countries have been confused. You’re probably wondering, “Give us a break! Does anyone ever mix up Spain and Portugal?” (Actually, sometimes I do that.)
But really, can anyone who isn’t from Latvia or Lithuania tell these two countries apart?
Both are small, obscure European nations that begin with the letter L.
Nobody famous has come from either one.
Their top three sports are soccer, soccer and soccer.
Their top three national foods are sausage, boiled cabbage and some unidentified soup.
… Both should stop griping and be thankful they aren’t Transylvania.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
And now for something completely different
Two California men recently set a new world record for hand-shaking.
Kevin Whittaker and Cory Jens locked paws for 9½ hours. That beat the previous record, held by a couple of Germans, by a half-hour.
In Germany, they’re probably thinking, “Great! First we lost World War II. And now this! Ach der lieber!”
In the states, most people are thinking two other things:
1) Gee, that’s wonderful.
2) Why?
Friday, May 23, 2008
In memoriam
This Memorial Day, and every day, remember them:
World War II 1941–1945 -- 291,557 killed in action.
American Civil War 1861–1865 -- 212,938 killed in action.
World War I 1917–1918 -- 53,402 killed in action.
Vietnam War 1964–1973 -- 47,355 killed in action.
Korean War 1950–1953 -- 33,746 killed in action.
American Revolutionary War 1775–1783 -- ~8,000 killed in action.
Iraq War 2003–present -- 3,341 killed in action (as of May 19).
War of 1812 1812–1815 -- 2,260 killed in action.
Mexican-American War 1846–1848 -- 1,733 killed in action.
Philippine War 1898–1902 -- 1,020 killed in action.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Mules/fuels
So it’s come to this.
The skyrocketing prices of gas and diesel are forcing some farmers to park their tractors.
Instead of gas-n-go, they are doing what their grandpas did. They are hitching up a team of mules and working their fields the old-fashioned way.
One farmer who has made the switch is T.R. Raymond of McMinnville, Tenn.
"This fuel’s so high, you can’t afford it," he said. "We can feed these mules cheaper than we can buy fuel. That’s the truth."
I feel for you, T.R. Farming is hard enough. Now you have to dodge fresh manure piles while working the south 40.
T.R.’s brother Raymond even said of the mules, "It’s the way of the future."
Uh, actually, Raymond, isn’t that the way of the past?
Whatever. Didn’t someone once say, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Fear of flying
I have seen the future, and it’s expensive.
Travelers are still reeling over this week’s bombshell from American Airlines.
From now, if you want to check a piece of luggage … it’ll cost you $15.
That’s right, road warriors. If you ain’t carryin’ it onboard, you’re payin’ for the privilege of stashing it in cargo.
No word yet as to how the other airlines will react, but I predict they will eagerly jump on the "no free lunch" bandwagon.
In fact, here are some other new airline fees that are being kicked around in corporate boardrooms as you read this:
-- Not having to watch in-flight movies starring Rob Schneider, $5.
-- Using the grope-free line for the pre-boarding security check, $10.
-- Being told what city you’re being diverted to if the plane has to land suddenly due to mechanical problems, $15.
-- Not having to sit between a fat man and a lady with a crying baby, $25.
-- 10 minutes of oxygen if the cabin is depressurized, $50. (That one’s not too bad, considering the alternative.)
-- Getting a pilot who didn’t get his license from a correspondence course, $75.
-- A promise that the flight attendant won’t use you as a human shield in the event of hijacking, $100.
Pretty grim, huh?
At least it won’t come to pay toilets onboard. Federal laws prevent that.
On the other hand, the FAA never said they couldn’t charge for toilet paper. By the sheet.
Happy flying.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Endings
Sometimes, it’s hard to know when to hang it up. Sometimes, the signals are loud and clear:
-----------------
U.S. Rep. Vito Fossella, the New York congressman who was recently revealed to be the father of a child from an extramarital affair, said he will not seek re-election this year.
For once, when a disgraced person says he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family, he means it.
The only question is which family.
------------------
Baseball catcher Mike Piazza says he is retiring because he felt “it is time to start a new chapter in my life.”
Good luck, Mike. But at the risk of crashing the retirement party, it should be pointed out that Piazza, well, hasn’t played since last year.
The game retired him then. Now he’s making it official.
-------------------
In New Bedford, Mass., Major Donald Lamar’s stint as a firearms safety instructor is over sooner than he expected.
You see, he was teaching a class on weapons safety when he shoved his Glock into its holster, and, well, it went off.
Luckily for Lamar, the bullet just tore through his pants, not the leg inside the pants.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sorry doctors
A new movement in health care urges doctors to apologize for mistakes instead of the old “deny and defend” method.
The theory is that if doctors or hospitals offer sincere apologies and “fair compensation,” the aggrieved party might forget about that nasty lawsuit.
That’s a good idea.
In the newspaper business, we also try to admit mistakes forthrightly if we get a fact wrong (“George Washington was the third president of the United States”) or throw somebody’s newspaper in the only puddle in their driveway (hey, don’t laugh, that’s been known to happen).
In fact, my experience in this field has motivated me to throw out a few generic apologies that doctors could use in the future, free of charge:
1) "Pat, remember when I told you last month that you had a terminal illness and would be dead soon? I understand you quit your job and gave away all your money. Well, I took a second look at the lab results, and let’s just say you now have time for a second career!"
2) "The good news is that yesterday’s amputation of your leg went well. The bad news … is we hacked off the wrong one! Don’t worry, we’ll go back and get that other sucker. … Is my face red or what!"
3) "Chris, three weeks ago we notified your spouse that you had syphilis, probably from a sleazy affair. Good news! Tell your divorce attorney that we got you mixed up with someone who has the same last name! … What are the odds!"
Hey, I’m just trying to do my part to hold down health care costs.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Gassed out
Hey, we all agree that the price of gas is getting ridiculous. But a guy in Wisconsin is going too far.
Brian LaFave is refusing to buy gas for a month — maybe longer. This Cheesehead won’t even ride with friends if they have to go out of their way to pick him up.
“I just wanted to take a stand and say, ‘I’m not gonna pay this much money for gas,’ ” he said.
Suit yourself, Bri. You can walk or ride your bike as you have pledged, but it ain’t gonna help.
A month from now, when you want to gas up your pickup, you’ll probably be paying even more.
Three predictions:
1) We will look back on the current rate of $3.60 per gallon gas as “the good ol’ days.”
2) We will probably see $5 per gallon gas this year or next.
3) When that happens, we will all grumble and cuss like hell about it. But in the end … we will park alongside the pump every few days, pay up and drive off.
... On the bright side, pretty soon you'll be able to get a real nice deal on that Hummer you’ve been lusting after for a long time.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Big Brown bucks
It was inevitable. The horse that won the Kentucky Derby was named Big Brown — after UPS, the delivery service with big brown trucks.
So now UPS, capitalizing on the unexpected publicity, has made a sponsorship deal with Big Brown’s owner, Paul Pompa Jr.
According to the Associated Press:
“The marketing coup has already won big media exposure and brand recognition for the original Big Brown — a rare opportunity the company candidly concedes galloped straight into its lap.”
Big Brown’s jockey, Kent Desormeaux, even had a UPS logo on his pants during the Derby.
It is a feel-good story, especially since the No. 2 finisher in the Derby, Eight Belles, had to be put down after breaking both front legs.
In fact, it made me so happy that I’ve come up with a few slogans for the new partnership:
1) "Our trucks don’t move as fast as Big Brown the horse, but they get there eventually!"
2) "What can Brown do for you? Anything but lower your shipping bills."
3) "If it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, don’t send it by horseback!"
4) "What’s big and brown and read all over? A shipping bill from UPS."
5) "Big Brown — it’s more than just that smelly pile on the stable floor!"
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Crazy ants!
Let’s see if I have this right:
Gas, food and inflation are in a friendly competition to see which one get soar higher.
Iran is about to get nuclear bombs. “Speed Racer” is at the movies.
Could life possibly get worse?
Well, if you live near Houston, like we do … yes it can!
You see, a new foreign species of pest is about to overrun us. I am talking about “crazy rasberry ants.”
These little darlings wander around crazily — hence the nickname — instead of marching in orderly lines like other ants.
They like to bite people — naturally! And they like to gnaw on electrical equipment too! Great! And they are resistant to commercial ant-killers! Double-great!
Their colonies have multiple queens, so you can’t just kill one of ’em and get the rest. And if you do manage to kill a few, the Associated Press says, “They pile up the dead, sometimes using them as a bridge to cross safely over surfaces treated with pesticide.” Aaaggghhh!
“(They are) like lava flowing and filling an entire area, getting bigger and bigger,” said Ron Harrison of Orkin. Whoopee!
There is one tiny ray of hope in this doomsday scenario: They like to eat fire ants.
If we can figure out a way to pit them against each other, we might have a chance.
If not, well, your last moments will probably be a futile struggle against thousands of them as they drag you down to their subterranean lair while you scream and thrash helplessly, begging for mercy that will not come.
Sweet dreams.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Godspeed, Kevin
I have never been so happy to hear that a pro athlete has been released. Well, not since the Giants cut loose Barry “Balco” Bonds last year.
The Buffalo Bills have told Kevin Everett that he will no longer be a member of their team. This, of course, is not a reason for anyone to be sad.
The Bills cut Kevin so he will be eligible to receive full disability benefits for the spinal cord injury that ended his career.
Kevin knew months ago that he would never again play the game he loved — at any level, much less the elite ranks of the NFL.
Normally, that’s a heartbreaker for a young athlete. For Kevin, knowing that he would not be lying down the rest of his life, it was OK.
Kevin’s story was a real miracle. He still might have been paralyzed if a gutsy and innovative doctor hadn’t ordered the injection of a cold saline solution to cool down his body and prevent swelling.
All things considered, he came out OK. May he enjoy a long — and vertical — life.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Bullet Brain's bargain
“Bullet Brain” must be smarter than he looks. Or awfully lucky.
How else do you explain the deal he finagled on Monday?
Joshua “Bullet Brain” Bush was facing trial for six felonies. He pleaded guilty to two of ’em (surprise!) and got the other four dismissed. And his time behind bars has been capped at 10 years.
Maybe something like 10 years is what he would have ended up with anyway. If so, I guess his plea deal saved taxpayers some money.
We’ll know on June 13. That’s when he’s sentenced.
Still unresolved is the status of the slug in his skull.
“Bullet Brain,” of course, insists that it did not come from the attempted robbery of a car lot in Port Arthur.
I doubt it, but that may be irrelevant.
Assuming the slug is made of lead, and knowing that lead is a poisonous substance, it doesn’t seem that “Bullet Brain” has many options.
He can leave the round in his crown, and risk lead poisoning.
Or he can let prison docs yank it out. Then ballistics tests might prove what police said about it all along.
Whatever. I think this is one of those problems that will take care of itself.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Ju$tice
— F. Scott Fitzgerald
Scottie, you said a mouthful there.
Rich people don’t operate like jes’ plain folks. That’s even true when it comes to the law, where everybody is supposed to be equal under the eyes of.
You remember what happened to Robert Blake and Phil Spector, don’t you?
Now you can add wealthy R&B singer R. Kelly to the list.
He’s been charged with an icky crime — having sex with a 13-year-old girl.
In fact, the dumb ass videotaped the encounter, and police got hold of the evidence.
I’m no F. Lee Bailey, but I’m thinking an orange jumpsuit is in R. Kelly’s future.
So far, however, his money has allowed him to purchase the services of some skillful lawyers, who have allowed him to dodge that unpleasant possibility.
His case did finally come to trial this week — six incredibly long years later.
That’s right, folks. When he was indicted back on June 5, 2002, Saddam Hussein was still in power. Barack Obama was an obscure Illinois state senator.
How long do you think you could delay your trial if you were charged with a crime like that? I’m guessing six days at most.
Yes, a lot of water has gone under the bridge in the last half-decade-plus-a-year. All the time, R. Kelly has been living the high life instead of eating cold baloney sandwiches and talking to visitors on a telephone through a thick plate of glass.
I hope that justice delayed here is not justice denied.
If the jury foreman does deliver the magic words — “Your honor, we find the defendant guilty on all counts” — I hope R. Kelly spends at least the next six years eating cold baloney sandwiches and talking to visitors on a telephone through a thick plate of glass.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Flight plan
Let’s pretend you are a member of a highly trained flight crew on a 767.
Like the crew handling an Americans Airline flight on April 20 from Dallas to Paris.
Shortly after take-off, a problem occurs. A BIG problem:
According to a flight attendant’s e-mail, “There was a loud shaking noise from the belly of the plane ... sounded like an explosion, or very large landing gear being ripped.”
According to the Associated Press, a spokesman for the airline confirmed that although “the crew was aware something had occurred, they were not sure what happened.”
If you were a member of this highly trained flight crew, in view of these ominous developments, would you:
A) Turn the plane around immediately and head for the nearest runway? or
B) Head out across the Atlantic Ocean on a nine-hour flight?
Now, I’m not a member of a highly trained flight crew, but if I’m on a plane that has just been shaken by a mysterious explosion … I WANNA BE ON THE GROUND A.S.A.P.
I do not want to soar out over an ocean WHERE THERE ARE NO RUNWAYS.
As you have guessed by now, the flight crew chose B) and headed for Gay Paree. They had a schedule to keep, after all.
Thank God they got there in one piece. The mini-explosion turned out to be from a panel covering an air conditioner that blew off.
That's nice, but they are lucky. This is no way to run a railroad, or an airline.
When a pilot hears and feels “a loud shaking noise from the belly of the plane,” that's a signal to get on the intercom and say, “Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to announce that we will be returning to Dallas for, uh, some unscheduled maintenance.”
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Down but not out
The head lawyer with the Major League Baseball players union “has expressed concern” to the commissioner over the puzzling refusal of any team to sign Barry Bonds.
He wonders if the owners are engaging in collusion. That’s when the owners secretly agree not to sign someone. And of course that’s illegal under the contract between players and owners.
Maybe the union feels like it has to go through the motions here on behalf of Barry. But this is not a mystery.
BALCO Barry was cut loose by the Giants at the end of last season. He became, sort of, the biggest free agent on the market, and I'm not just talking head size.
Yet no team called over the off-season. Since the season has begun, no team has called either.
The reason is not collusion. It’s because BARRY BONDS IS AN OBNOXIOUS JERK!
Despite his ability to hit lots of home runs, he is a selfish, crude, arrogant clubhouse cancer. When you Google “more trouble than he is worth,” you get a jillion hits for “Barry Bonds.”
This is why no team has signed him. And I admit to cackling with glee over the thought of him moping around his mansion, spewing curses, breaking things and waiting vainly for the phone to ring.
But my glee is tempered. I know it won’t last.
About mid-season or so, some team will get desperate. Or maybe a slugger will go down with an injury.
And the manager will say, “Jeez, let’s go ahead and sign Barry. Maybe it will work out. … It’s just for a half-year!”
It’s going to happen, so brace yourselves. All we can hope is that Barry’s new team doesn’t win the World Series.
That would be too, too much to bear.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Wine woes
“It has an intriguing bouquet with a playful, flirty appeal that casually invites you to … AAAAGGGH, ACTUALY IT TASTES LIKE CRAP!”
A restaurant in New Zealand accidentally served dishwashing liquid as mulled wine. Two customers were hospitalized.
One of the women says she suffered burns and possible scaring of her throat and esophagus from the chemical mix.
I guess this is one of those blunders where the restaurant manager can’t just say, “Hey, sorry about that. My bad!”
Monday, May 05, 2008
Shoveling manure
Further proof that we live in an age when accidents can’t just be accidents:
The animal-rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has called for the jockey riding Eight Belles in the Kentucky Derby to be suspended.
Why? Well, the filly broke two ankles and had to be euthanized. And PETA is looking for someone to blame.
PETA says jockey Gabriel Saez should have sensed the filly was in trouble or that the accident was about to happen and pulled up instead of applying the whip.
PETA is, of course, full of horse crap on this.
Saez didn’t pull up the horse because he’s a jockey, not a futurist. He didn’t know the horse was about to have a tragic injury.
And — this is the key point, for anyone who cares about facts — Eight Belles was not acting unusual. She was behaving like a thoroughbred that likes to run.
And — this is the second key point — the accident didn’t occur during the race. The horse was galloping out a full quarter-mile past the finish line.
In other words, it was an unforeseen event commonly referred to as an accident.
I know that with humans, usually an accident can’t just be an accident. Someone has to be blamed or sued, or both.
At least we ought to agree that when an animal has an accident, we’ll call it an accident, and we won’t blame or sue anyone.
There’s enough real animal cruelty in this world. PETA ought to fight that.
Racehorses that run in the Derby are extremely valuable and pampered accordingly.
Sometimes they break a leg and have to be put down.
It’s sad. It’s also called “an accident.”
Friday, May 02, 2008
Paula Abdul forever
It had to be the most obvious rhetorical question in the history of show business:
"Why would we get rid of Paula?" asked the executive producer of "American Idol" in a recent interview.
Indeed, why?
The question was floated, sort of, after Paula Abdul’s latest on-air meltdown.
(Someone ought to create a full list of her on-air meltdowns and continuously update it. It would be hilarious. Do you remember that teary breakdown she had a while back when she had a stupid problem in her stupid life and was wailing something like, “How can there be a God and let this happen to me?” I swear I almost broke a rib laughing.)
Paula made a fool of herself again when she became painfully confused about what she was doing. Specifically, she critiqued two songs from Jason Castro when he’d sung only one.
It caused a bit of flurry, naturally. Which is precisely why the executive producer of “Idol” will never dump Paula.
She is money in the bank.
Her silly comments, massive ego, tearful outbursts and frequent bouts with pills or booze (or both) are incredibly entertaining.
Pathetic, really, but entertaining too in a morbid sort of way.
Yes, the ratings for “Idol” have dipped a bit. But they are still solid and couldn’t stay in the stratosphere forever.
And they’re not dropping because of Paula. You don’t want to watch normal people on “Idol.” Well, maybe a few. But the human train wrecks are much more interesting.
Don’t worry, Paula. Your job as a “judge,” of all things, is safe.
The rest of your life is a joke, of course.
But you will be sitting in that seat with an insipid grin on your face for the last “Idol” show, whenever that is.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Fur fight
New York has become the first state in the nation to ban, uh, certain methods of euthanizing animals that are harvested for their fur.
Yes, we are talking about anal and genital electrocution. (But you suspected that, didn’t you?)
State Sen. Frank Padavan even said of this fur fight, “I draw a very strong correlation between how we treat domestic animals and all animals and how we treat each other.”
Soon, mink, foxes, chinchillas and rabbits will go to that Great Big Zoo in the sky via other methods — in New York, that is. In the other 49 states, it’s still business as usual.
Two points:
1) Sen. Padavan is making a biiiiig leap in comparing this curious practice to “how we treat each other.”
2) It’s hard to argue in favor of this kind of electrocution. It does sound creepy. But I’m not sure that one way of euthanizing an animal is much more humane than another as long as the critter doesn’t feel unnecessary pain — or preferably any pain.
As the Bard put it in Macbeth, “If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly.”
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Rocket misfires
A few months ago, Roger Clemens was one of the biggest names in sports. Maybe not the most loved guy in baseball, but respected across the board.
Seven Cy Young awards, — two more than Randy Johnson. A whole bunch of other Hall of Fame numbers — 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts.
His retiring and unretiring shtick in the last few years was impossible to ignore. Surely he would be remembered as one of the greatest pitchers ever.
Then came the Mitchell report, which said what a lot of people had whispered all along: Roger got some pharmaceutical help in his later years, and we ain’t talking Nolan Ryan’s Advil.
Now the Mitchell report has been followed by the McCready report.
Rog admits he had a decade-long relationship with the country star … that began when Mindy was only 15. But the Rocket insists it wasn’t, uh, sexual.
If you believe that, you probably also believe that he threw inside heat so hitters could get a good look at the baseball.
The story of Roger’s relationship to Mindy came out after he foolishly filed a lawsuit against his former trainer, who said he was a big-time juicer.
And there’s still a fair chance Rog could be indicted for perjury for volunteering to go before Congress and swear he never touched the stuff.
He should have quit while he was ahead. He would have been assured of a Hall of Fame berth the first year he was eligible.
Now that’s far into the future, and he suddenly has other legal problems.
In 1996, McCready had a No. 1 single called, “Guys Do It All the Time.”
They sure do.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Food fight
The next time you hear someone complain about “cruel and unusual punishment” in America, think about Broderick Laswell.
Broderick is an inmate in the Benton County (Ark.) jail, awaiting trial for murder. Something about beating and stabbing a guy to death, and then setting his home on fire.
After eight months in the slammer, he has sued the county. Says he is “literally being starved to death.”
"On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out," Laswell put in his lawsuit. "About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl."
And he means it. He’s lost 105 pounds since he’s been inside.
The catch? Well, Broderick still weighs … 308 pounds!
That’s right, taxpayers. He was 413 pounds when he went in and apparently didn’t want to trim the tonnage.
Oh, and he also wants hot food, not the cold stuff the jail has served for years.
Poor Broderick.
The poor guy is wasting away to nothing, and he doesn’t even seem to realize that he’s in a jail, not a swanky hotel.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Another thug in Big D
As of Friday night, the trade that could send Adam “Pacman” Jones to the Dallas Cowboys was not yet nailed down.
I would say that I hope it doesn’t happen, but by this point it doesn’t matter.
Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones has made it clear that he likes thugs and outlaws like Terrell Owens and “Tank” Johnson — both of whom were kicked off their previous teams for misconduct.
Pacman will fit right in. Don’t be surprised if he is followed by Chad Johnson, the talented punk now feuding with the Bengals.
The usual explanation for clueless owners like this is that they want to “win at all costs.”
I think it’s more pathetic for Jerry. He likes the bad-boy image. It’s a phase most guys go through, but we outgrow it around 15 or 16.
And Jerry, who’s not real smart, doesn’t want to be thought of as conventional and boring.
So for him, the way to avoid that is to sign every felon as soon as they make bail.
I’m serious about this prediction: Do not be shocked if he signs Michael Vick when he gets out.
What a sad fall for a franchise that once had such upright leaders as Tom Landry and Roger Staubach.
Jerry wouldn't know the high road if it was spray-painted fluorescent orange.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Bearly safe
Folks at the Predators in Action wild animal training center in Big Bear Lake, Calif., are grieving.
One of its grizzly bears bit one of its trainers in the neck. And now he is dead.
Two other trainers were working with Stephan Miller when the fatal accident happened.
They were said to be surprised by the tragedy. Said the bear was following cues and behaving well.
In a February interview, one of the trainers called Rocky “the best working bear in the business.”
So what happened?
I’m no expert in bear behavior, but I do know this.
"Rocky" is 7½ feet tall and weighs 700 pounds. In the wild, bears like that kill and eat things rather easily. In fact, very easily.
"Rocky" may have been in captivity a long time, but he ain’t a pet. You can take the bear out of the wild, but you can’t take the wild out of the bear.
This was the same bear, incidentally, that wrestled Will Ferrell’s character in the recent film “Semi-Pro.” For that scene, Ferrell used a stunt double.
Good call, Will. There are too many sports-spoofs movies yet unmade.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Lucky kid, stupid parent
Lisa Harrell made a great save this week, and she’s not a hockey goalie.
She’s a mail carrier. And as she was making her rounds Monday in Albany, N.Y., she noticed a toddler on the edge of a second-story window.
She was going to alert someone inside the home, but she didn’t have time.
The child fell out. And miraculously, Harrell caught the kid.
Talk about right time/right place.
The baby wasn’t hurt, and a few moments later the mom ran out.
All’s well that ends well, right?
Wrong. No charges will be filed against the moronic mom, who put her daughter on a bed that was up against an open window.
What kind of a mother would do that? She’s should have gotten a few days inside a jail cell to reflect upon how stupid she is.
The toddler survived this blunder.
I wouldn’t bet the ranch that she’ll make it to her 18th birthday as long as she lives with Mommie Dumbest.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Love that lynx
A group of animal lovers is suing the U.S. and Wildlife Service because it won’t extend federal protection to lynx in New Mexico, as it does in 14 other states.
The feds are wrong, and they should admit it.
So what does this have to do with anything?
Not much, I guess, except a lynx is the only wild cat I have seen in the wild.
It was on a trip to Colorado with a buddy; we were hiking up the spine of a mountain.
Like most lynx sightings, it was brief — a few seconds, more shadow than light.
But it was a lynx, and it was cool.
On that same hike, by the way, a golden eagle soared around us in a huge half-circle.
Those are the things you remember about a trip outdoors.
Happy Earth Day.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Mansion madness
F. Scott Fitzgerald said a mouthful. The rich are different from you and me.
For starters, they have more money.
Like John L. Thornton, 54, a former Goldman Sachs partner and chairman of the Brookings Institution.
He just bought a mansion in Palm Beach, Fla. For $77.5 million. Throw in closing costs, and the purchase price jumps to $81 mil.
That’s a record for mansion-buying.
Frankly, I think he overpaid.
Hey, don’t get me wrong. It’s a nice pad.
According to the Palm Beach Post, “The estate boasts 5 lushly landscaped acres and 300 feet of ocean frontage. The 32,000-square-foot home was designed by Thierry Despont, who also created Bill Gates’ mansion. The living room includes 26-foot ceilings and 20-foot-high glass panels that disappear into the floor at the push of a button. The home also features a wine cellar, pool, waterfalls, staff quarters and an air chiller and 27-zone air conditioning system.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Personally, I wouldn’t have forked over more than $60 mil.
Maybe $65 mil, but not a penny more.
Sometimes, you just gotta draw the line.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tejada's tale
As if things weren’t bad enough for the last-place Astros, Miguel Tejada seems to have aged a couple of years even though the season has barely begun.
In fact, their hot free-agent signing in the offseason has gotten older. After ESPN found a copy of his birth certificate from the Dominican Republic, Tejada admitted he was 33, not 31.
You see, when he first signed a pro ball contract at 19, he said a local coach encouraged him to say he was 17 instead. So he did.
“It’s something that happened the first time I signed my contract,” Tejada said. “I had no intention of doing anything wrong.”
Apparently, this jock doesn’t understand that lying about your age could be, well, considered “doing anything wrong.”
If I were Astros owner Drayton McLane, I’d be ticked off.
He just signed a contract with Tejada that has a lot of zeroes behind a swiggly number, thinking the slugger had so much playing time and ability left. Now it turns out he has two years less of it.
Pro sports is a young man’s game. Old athletes don’t get better -- unless they’re juicin’.
Which brings us back to Tejada, who was mentioned in the infamous Mitchell Report as one of those ballplayers who occasionally got some pharmaceutical help that wasn’t exactly legal.
Tejada denied then that he did anything wrong.
Q: Do you wonder if he was fibbing about that too?
A: Does Roy Oswalt throw fast?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Courting trouble
Adam Reposa must have been playing hooky that day in law school when the prof said, “And another thing. When you’re in court, don’t pretend to whack off in front of the judge.”
If he had been in class that day instead of throwing a frisbee around in the quadrangle, Reposa probably would be a free man. Instead, he’s doing 90 days for contempt of court.
That’s because last March, while standing before a county court-at-law judge in Austin, he used his right hand in an internationally recognized symbol for, uh, masturbation.
At his hearing this week, Reposa’s lawyer asked for a sentence of just one day in jail.
The presiding judge game him 90. He said he felt it was his "honor to uphold the integrity of the judicial process."
I would say something snippy about that, but I might find myself in a cell next to Reposa.
Oh well, Reposa is a defense attorney, and this is a learning experience.
Now he can say in all honesty to the dirtbags he represents, “Hey, man, I know what it’s like on the inside. You can do that much time easy. … Just avoid the meatloaf on Tuesdays.”
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Tag this
Hey, it’s about time.
Thank God some courageous principal has stepped forward and stopped a brutal “sport” that takes place on playgrounds all across America.
Yes, I am talking about the game of tag.
Robyn Hooker, principal of Kent Gardens Elementary School in Virginia, told her kids no more tag during recess.
Hooker was disgusted that all that chasing and yelling had become nothing more than a game "of intense aggression."
… The above words are sarcastic, of course.
What I really think is, “Aaarrrggghhh, a politically correct wimp strikes again! And worst of all, this weenie wields power!”
The prissy principal said the “nouveau tag” the kids were playing involved things like grabbing people not in the game and bumping them to the ground.
OK, then deal with that aspect of the game or those kids.
If kids talk in the cafeteria, do you ban eating?
At another school in Fairfax County, Va., its office of risk management (I don’t think my old school had one of them) bans … dodge ball and tug-of-war.
If this kind of thing takes hold, we will turn our kids into a bunch of geeks and sissies. They don’t get enough — or any — exercise as it is, so now we are going to clamp down on recess?
One disgusted parent asked, “Will we eliminate ‘duck duck goose’ because kids are being touched?"
Shhh. Don’t give ’em any ideas.
Monday, April 14, 2008
That's right, 53 times
If you ever wondered why some law-abiding folks want things like “three strikes and you’re out” laws to protect them, consider Freddie Johnson of New York.
This fine example of a broken criminal justice system has been arrested … brace yourselves … 53 times, mostly for … brace yourselves again … rubbing up against women on subway trains.
Ick!
That’s right, 53 times. And who knows how many times this perv did his thing on women who were too disgusted or embarrassed to report it.
He just got out of prison on March 25 after serving four years for persistent sexual abuse. No surprise that he goes back to his favorite hobby.
The surprise is why he wasn’t put away a long, long time ago.
“The behavior is disturbing, there is no question,” said Elizabeth Jeglic, a professor of treatment and rehabilitation of offenders at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. “But in the larger scheme you want to commit the people who are grabbing kids off the street, or the rapist in Central Park.”
Well, yeah, I suppose so. Then again, you need to find a cell for serial offenders like Johnson, even if his crime is “minor.”
Prosecutors say that this time, Johnson could get up to life in prison. They’ve finally realized what a threat he is.
That’s nice. It should have happened about 50 arrests ago.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Three thoughts
Three quick thoughts to wrap up the week:
The state news wire was filled with reports that rapper Vanilla Ice, of all people, had been released from jail Friday after being busted for assaulting his wife — in Florida, no less.
Apparently, the folks at the Associated Press who compile the state news wire think this is important because Ice grew up in Dallas.
Um, who cares?
This guy had one hit in 1990. Does he still qualify as a “celebrity”?
I didn’t think so.
-----------------------------
The principal at a “highly rated” school in the Southlake Carroll school district in Texas has resigned after suspicions of shenanigans on the TAKS test.
Uh, do you think Old Union Elementary is “highly rated” precisely because of shenanigans on the TAKS test?
That’s my guess, too.
-----------------------
An East Texas man named Alvin Kelly lost another court appeal in his murder case. The news story said the court's ruling was “moving him closer” to execution for the crime.
Well, considering that the crime occurred 24 years ago, I wouldn’t exactly tell the victim’s family to get ready for a trip to the death chamber to serve as witnesses.
In fact, I’m not sure the victim’s family is still alive after all this time.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Mom and Dumber
So who’s a bigger fool, the 17-year-old girl in Austin who thinks she’s in love with a 27-year-old coach and Spanish teacher at her high school … or her mother?
I vote for Mom. After all, she said she thought the two were in love and gave legal consent for Little Miss Hottie to marry one Randy Arias. (In the British sense, he was indeed randy.)
But back to the fun couple. Mom even went with the bride-to-be when she applied for the marriage license. This for her own daughter, who just turned 17 last month.
Is there still a charge called “contributing to the delinquency of a minor”? How about “making a really stupid call as a parent”?
The law needs to hang something on Mommie Dearest. Then it can turn its attention to Arias.
You may recall his name. He was a track star at Texas State University and still holds the school record for 5,000 meters.
Maybe he can notch the same title at another institution — that is, if they have track meets in prisons. (I know from watching The Longest Yard I and II that they have football games on the inside.)
Some judge or jury should not be swayed by arguments that the gal was almost legal. She wasn’t, and she was still in high school.
Any teacher, coach or librarian who can’t keep his hands off the student body should get some time to think about it in a place without those distractions.
If she looks like someone on a "Girls Gone Wild" video, she's too young.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Tiger Troubles II
In my last post, I gloated over the 0-6 Detroit Tigers, the team with the big-bucks payroll that was supposed to steamroll through the AL Central. Make that the 0-7 Tigers, the only team in baseball that’s still 0-for-April.
Even the crummy Giants, thankfully rid of Barry “Balco” Bonds, have won a game. Just one game, but a game nonetheless.
The Tigers’ troubles resonate outside of sports and even the game of baseball.
They were good to begin with. Then in the off-season, they signed three mega-free agents — Edgar Renteria from the Braves and Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis from the Marlins.
They were stacked deeper than almost any team except the ’27 Yankees, with an All-Star at nearly every position.
But sometimes in life, the best lawyer doesn’t win the trial. The smartest kid doesn’t write the best report. The company with the dazzling reputation doesn’t get the bid.
Sometimes, favorites don't win. Underdogs come through despite the odds.
Thank God, or this would be an awfully boring world.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Tiger Troubles
If you’re a sports fan, or if you just root for underdogs, you have to like the start of Major League Baseball.
Only one team has failed to win a game in the first week. That would be the mighty Tigers, who went to the bank and signed some impressive free agents to add to their already strong team. In fact, Detroit has the second-highest payroll in the game, just behind (who else?) the Evil Empire, a.k.a., the New York Yankees.
The Tigers are stacked so deep that they are batting one of their big off-season acquisitions, the talented Edgar Renteria, seventh. He’s good and would hit higher on any other club.
Last night, on a nationally televised game, the Tigers started one of the game’s best pitchers, Justin Verlander. He got shelled. The Tigers lost again, in a blowout, no less, 13-2.
Before the game, analyst Joe Morgan said the Tigers had the best lineup of any 0-5 team he has ever seen. He was right. I guess the same applies to the 0-6 Tigers.
Detroit probably will right the ship and end up in the post-season anyway. Still, for now it’s hard to resist cackling as high-priced jocks stumble about and make excuses.
At the other end of the scale are the two teams with the best records in baseball, the 5-1 Brewers and 5-1 Cardinals. This is also rich in irony.
Both teams play in what has been called the weakest division (the Central) in the weakest league (the National). Yet so far, “Comedy Central” has the hot teams.
Well, except for the last-place 2-5 Astros, whom the Cards face in a three-game series that starts tonight.
The Brewers’ success is not surprising. They had a good team last year and have gotten better.
The Cardinals, the team I have rooted for since growing up in St. Louis, are an entirely different story. Even though they won the World Series two years ago, they have fallen far.
Most of their former stars are either old or gone or injured. In fact, they have the incredible total of nine players on the Disabled List, the most of any team in the game.
Despite all that, they are managing to win somehow with backups and plug-ins. They even had a rainout in their home opener against the league’s best team last year, the Rockies. They were leading 5-1 when the game was called and probably would have won that one too.
As with the Tigers, the pre-season predictions for the Cards probably will pan out.
But for now, it’s nice for your team to have the best record in the game, even if it just after one week in a long, long season.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Excuses, Massachusetts style
I thought Massachusetts was filled with smart people. After all, it has some of the nation’s top universities — Harvard, Wellesley, Boston College, Tufts and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology to name a few.
So how come state legislature in this magnet for brainiacs wants to let aspiring teachers who have failed the state certification test three times … get licensed anyway?
Good grief! If this was happening in the Deep South, the moron jokes would be flying out of the snooty East Coast.
Yet here we have the chairman of the Massachusetts Board of Education saying, “The test is one methodology …but it isn’t necessarily the best venue for everybody to demonstrate their competency.”
Incredibly, the state Senate approved the three-strikes-and-you’re-not-out bill by the whopping margin of 34-5.
This is pathetic. If a supposedly educated person — an educator, by the way — can’t pass a certification test, he shouldn’t be certified. That’s the way the world works — or should work.
If you don’t pass the certification test the first time for teacher, bartender or brain surgeon, you go back to the library or classroom, study a little harder and try again.
If you make it, congratulations. If you don’t, well, perhaps it might be time to consider an alternative career, like something in ditch-digging.
Chuck Zucco, owner of a Massachusetts company that helps teachers prepare for the test, says most of his customers who repeatedly fail the test — some more than a dozen times! — have learning disabilities or speak English as a second language.
Good grief again! I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’ll just say it: If you have a severe learning disability or can’t speak English very well … you shouldn’t be a teacher!
A few folks in the Bay State realize how dumb this is.
“It demeans the whole profession,” said state Sen. Richard R. Tisei, a Republican and the Senate minority leader. “Teachers should be held to the same standards that we expect when we certify a lawyer, an accountant, a funeral director. … What type of message does that send to the kids?”
Well put, senator. And I’ll tell you what message it sends to the kids:
It tells them loud and clear that you don’t have to try very hard. That you can always make a lame excuse … and some sucker will fall for it. That you don’t have to strive for excellence but simply hold out your hand and demand your “entitlement.”
I’m not an educator or a futurist. But I predict that if a state lets unqualified teachers teach, it is going to end up with a bunch of stupid kids.
And you expected some other result?
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Blaming the victim
It was one of those sad stories you run across from time to time — though it could have been a lot worse.
A woman in Maryland was being attacked — strangled, actually — by some creep on the floor of a kitchen in a boarding house.
Fortunately, the woman’s 12-year-old son heard her cries for help.
"I kept saying, ‘Stop! Stop! Stop!’ " the boy said. "But he just ignored me. He didn’t stop. He just kept hurting her."
So the boy grabbed a knife — this was in a kitchen, remember — and slashed the jerk in the neck. Unfortunately — for the jerk, that is — an artery was cut and he croaked.
Maybe the late attacker had a tough life or something, but I gotta tell you, basically I’m thinking no big loss.
The person I feel sorry for is the boy. Even though he did the right thing — a very brave thing, actually — that is a tough burden to carry around, especially at such a young age. I hope the lad can get past it and realize that he saved his mother from a worse fate.
Anyhow, here’s the part of the news story that really shocked me:
Even though the preliminary investigation indicates the boy and his mother are telling the truth, “Law enforcement officials were reviewing evidence and had not decided whether to file charges.”
Huh? File charges against the boy? For what, killing a dirtbag out of season?
If this incident went down the way it appears, the boy did absolutely nothing wrong. Charging him with any kind of crime would be absurd — and grotesque.
I hope there are enough sensible people left in Maryland to understand that.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Senior service
Sen. Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey is running for re-election.
Nothing surprising there. Politicians do it all the time. In fact, it’s almost news when they don’t decide to keep feeding at the public trough — I mean nobly serving the taxpayers.
What is unusual with Lautenberg, however, is his age. He’s 84. Do the math. If he is re-elected to another six-year term, he will be 90 when it’s over. If he isn't over first.
Sure, we’ve all heard of old folks who are spry and sharp in their 80s and 90s.
But Strom Thurmond served in the U.S. Senate until he was 100, and that was clearly a term or two too long.
Right now, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia is 80, and he too is clearly past his prime.
Members of Congress need a retirement age. The new slogan ought to be “80 and out.”
Experience can be a good thing. Too much of it is not so good.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Hijacked cash
Hey, this is America. It’s OK to like money. It’s annoying when people pretend they don’t.
Take Brian Ingram of Mena, Ark., who was lucky enough to find $5,880 of the loot snared by famed hijacker D.B. Cooper in 1971.
Ingram, then 8 years old, was on a camping trip with his family when he found three bundles of deteriorating $20 bills on the shores of the Columbia River near Portland, Ore., in 1980.
First of all, D.B. Cooper was not the fake name the hijacker gave when boarding. It was Dan Cooper, but an early misidentification of him as D.B. Cooper has stuck. So there it is; another consequence of errors in journalism.
Second, I don’t know why Ingram’s family didn’t have to give back the money they found, seeing as it was definitely matched by serial numbers to Cooper’s loot. (Again, Dan’s, not D.B.’s)
For some reason, the FBI kept only 13 of the bills. (Isn’t 13 an unlucky number? Doesn’t that make it less like the feds will find the hijacker?)
Whatever. Ingram’s folks let him keep the loot, which was nice, and now he wants to cash in, which is understandable. Only that’s not what he said when he announced that the weathered bills would be put up for auction.
“My wife and I have discussed it over a few years, and we just decided we wanted to share it with people,” said Ingram.
Clang!
Wrong, Brian. You don’t want to “share” the money with anyone. You want to make more money off of it.
If you truly wanted to “share” it with someone, you would donate it to something like the International Hijackers Hall of Fame, if there was such a thing, which there isn’t.
I hope the Ingram’s get a good bid for Cooper’s cash. After all, they say they want to use the proceeds as a college fund for their kids.
That’s nice. Just stop pretending that this is some kind of selfless, noble gesture.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Return of the Lastros?
If you’re a Houston Astros fan and you’re hoping for another exciting season, well, let’s just say you might have some free time on your hands around the World Series.
To put this delicately, most “experts” are predicting an Astros season that will be either mediocre … or crappy.
On Yahoo.com sports this week, three pundits made their picks for all divisions.
Steven Henson said the Astros would finish dead even, 81-81 — good enough, if that’s the term, for third place among the six teams in “Comedy Central.”
It doesn’t get any better. In fact, it gets kinda stinky.
Tim Brown predicted a 76-86 season for the ’Stros (fourth place).
Jeff Passan figured 70-92 (fifth place).
Sports Illustrated, the mother of all sports publications, joined in the dogpile.
It picked the Astros to finish 74-88 (fourth).
Rubbing salt in the wound, SI said new GM Ed Wade “did little to upgrade a rotation that was about as stable as francium in 2007.” (If you’re not a physicist — and how many of us are? — francium is a notoriously unstable chemical element.)
If you thought the addition of Miguel Tejada and Kazuo Matsui would put some lift in the Astros rockets, well, think again.
SI called Tejada a “declining star … whose range continues to deteriorate.” Matsui? An “overpriced journeyman (for $16.5 million).” (By the way, he doesn't like the nickname "Kaz" either. It's Kazuo to you, buddy.)
Hey, it could be worse. You could be a St. Louis Cardinals fan, like me. All of the above pundits predicted an even worse season for the Cards.
For the record, their picks respectively were 70-92 (fifth), 73-89 (fifth), 69-93 (sixth … and last!) and from SI, 73-89 (fifth).
Oh, well, get ready to utter the battle cry of the Chicago Cubs, “Wait ’til next year!”
And in the meantime, say the prayer that has sustained many fans in the NL Central for many years:
“Thank God for the Pittsburgh Pirates!”
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Cards for cons
Is this a great country or what?
An entrepreneur in Los Angeles has found a new niche in the greeting card business. Attorney Terrye L. Cheathem has formed Three Squares Greetings, which provides cards for inmates in jails and prisons.
Leaving aside any jokes about an attorney with the last name of “Cheathem,” this is a terrific idea. You have no shortage in your targeted demographic — 2.5 million of ’em. And trust me, we are talking about a captive audience.
Cheathem said she thought of the idea when she was looking for a greeting card for her brother-in-law, who, shall we say, was a guest of the state for 11 months.
Not surprisingly, she couldn’t find any cards on the outside aimed at folks on the inside.
So she founded Three Squares, with expressions like, “We are all praying for you while you do your time.”
Or, “You had the choice to be ‘naughty or nice.’ And you chose ... Oh well, now you have to do your time.”
Those are good, but I think Terrye needs to branch out. Like:
“We hope all is going well for you. We can’t wait for you to get out … and run off a new batch of 10s and 20s.”
“Don’t give up! 2045 will be here sooner than you think!”
“We are looking forward to your release date. … In the meantime, where did you bury the you-know-what from the bank job?”
“I know you’ve been away for a while, and when you get out you’re going to love all the new advances like flying cars, vacations to the moon and the three-day workweek. … Hey, just kidding!”
“Since you’re out of circulation, I didn’t think you’d mind if I used your car, your boat, your four-wheeler and your record collection. … Oh, and your wife and I are getting to know each other too.”
Monday, March 24, 2008
Shots on a plane
After the 9-11 attacks, one of the smartest things this country did to prevent future hijackings was let pilots and copilots carry pistols.
All of these men and women are highly trained professionals. Most have military backgrounds. If there was ever a group of people who could be trusted with carrying handguns — and had a clear reason to do so — this was it.
This simple change is the most cost-effective thing we can do for airplane security. Would-be hijackers don’t know if a pilot is packing or not. If they try to take over a plane, they might go to the afterlife sooner than they planned. And best of all, the passengers would go to Cleveland or Seattle as they planned too.
Curiously, the Bush administration dragged its heels on this sensible program. The White House only approved it after Congress demanded the change.
You have to suspect that the gun-lovin’ guys and gals in the Bush administration secretly liked the plan. But they were afraid of being called Rambos or having something go wrong.
Like an accidental discharge of a sidearm in the air. Like what happened to the pilot of a US Airways flight on a landing approach in North Carolina over the weekend.
Fortunately, no one was hurt. Fortunately, it was the first time this kind of, uh, little mistake had occurred.
No word yet as to what went wrong. As a sometime shooter, I can tell you what went wrong.
The pilot’s pistol didn’t have the safety on. Or it had a round in the chamber when it shouldn’t have. Or the pilot accidentally nudged the trigger or the hammer. After all, there are only a few ways that a weapon can be fired accidentally, and those options cover 99 percent of them.
Which is why a gun being carried for these purposes shouldn’t have a round in the chamber. When a weapon is carried like that, you can make a dumb mistake and still have 10 toes at the end of the day.
At any rate, this was the first accidental firing by a pilot after many years and countless carryings. So don’t get all nervous and say we need to make cockpits “gun-free zones.”
If I’m flying, I want my pilot or copilot bringing along his little friend.
I also want a potential terrorist wondering if the crew is carrying … and thinking that maybe he won’t make his move after all.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I'm with stupid
It was just another typical week in Texas:
A stupid 17-year-old was busted at a border crossing in El Paso for marijuana smuggling when she tried to use six huge cans of vegetables to hide her booty — the pot, not her booty. The cans are normally used by restaurants to hold about 5 pounds of veggies.
Border guards said the whole thing looked shaky from the start. They quickly found that the cans were stuffed with 25 pounds of pot.
A border official said, “These cases clearly illustrate that smuggling organizations will use any means imaginable in their attempts to introduce contraband into the United States.”
Uh, actually these cases clearly illustrate that some smugglers are as dumb as a bag of cow crap and should get extra time in prison just for being morons.
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Anthony Falco of Taylor was sentenced to 60 years (!) in the pen for his 10th (!) DWI since 1979.
Falco, clearly not a brain surgeon, also has convictions for theft, forgery and family violence assault.
I wonder if the judge said to him, “Tony, we cut you some slack the first eight or nine times. … But doggone it, with this 10th one, you’ve finally gone too far!”
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A registered sex offender is running for mayor of Wilmer.
“People need to realize that people make mistakes, and they need to look past those mistakes and forgive and move on,” said James Sliter, 42.
Sliter got caught in a sting when he went to a home where he thought he was going to have sex with a 15-year-old girl he’d been talking to on the Internet.
Wilmer has about 4,300 people. Apparently, a lot of them are idiots.
“He is a concerned citizen who wants to help this town,” said family friend Lynne Thompson. “That’s what counts.”
“They set him up,” said his neighbor, Lonnie Walden. “I’d never go see a 15-year-old girl but it’s still wrong how they set people up ... . I think there’s going to be a bunch of stink over it.”
“He’s not someone going to schools looking for kids to molest,” said Kara Martos.
… Maybe that last gal has a point. If Sliter gets elected, when a school principal needs someone to talk to the kiddos about our democratic system of government and someone to warn them about drooling sex creeps, one phone call takes care of both.
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Police suspect that a 2-year-old boy who died in La Joya from a fractured skull was killed when a “morbidly obese relative” fell on the child.
The Hidalgo County Sheriff has called the death “suspicious.”
Other people are calling it “disgusting.”
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Ashley's error
Ashley Dupre, the pathetic hooker better known as “Kristen,” did something wrong.
Yes, I mean something wrong besides selling her body to former N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer and destroying his political career and devastating his family and dominating the news for a week until Barack Obama’s crazy pastor pushed her aside.
(By the way, it was, uh, interesting to hear Spitzer’s replacement, former Lt. Gov. David Paterson, quickly admit that he too had had beaucoup affairs — and for that matter, his wife Michelle, didn’t exactly stand by her man throughout their marriage, if you know what I mean. … Maybe some day morality will once again be a requirement for New York governors, or at least a desirable option.)
Anyway, back to Ashley/Kristen.
She was all set to cash in on her newfound fame. Sure, it was going to be just as degrading as her prostitution. But once you've taken the plunge, you’re already wet, right?
One of America’s most famous sleazeballs, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, was going to offer her a cool million to host his 2008 Girls Gone Wild Spring Break Tour and pose nude for his new GGW magazine.
And isn’t that what America needs — another girlie mag?
Unfortunately, Ashley’s plans for sudden wealth took a slight detour when it was discovered that when she was 18, she’d already, er, performed for a Girls Gone Wild film crew — for free!
In fact, she shot seven full-length tapes that included nudity (of course!) and even what is delicately referred to as “same-sex contact.”
Ashley, Ashley.
People are going to think you are a slut. … Well, they already do, but now they will really think that. Tsk, tsk.
She will still rake in some big bucks — other photo shoots, interviews, a ghost-written biography, etc. — but the payday won’t be as big.
There’s a lesson in all this, and I hope everyone is paying attention:
A) Don’t be a whore. It’s disgusting.
B) If you are going to be a whore, don’t give it away.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Pet mania
Lots of people like dogs and cats — and that’s wonderful, of course.
But have you noticed how some people go a little overboard in their affection for dogs and cats? Or in some cases, a lot overboard?
Take the bizarre story last week about the nearly 800 (!) small dogs taken from a mobile home near Tucson, Ariz. (Oh, and 82 parrots too.)
Is it just me, or have these stories become sadly common?
Certainly every month, and almost every week, you read about stunned authorities finding dozens or hundreds of dogs or cats in some filthy home. The owner is invariably described as a well-meaning pet lover “who let things get out of control.”
Right, sort of like how Hurricane Rita was a windstorm that “got out of control.”
It is hard — realllly hard — to understand how someone could live in an apartment or house or mobile home that is ankle-deep in animal poop, pee, hair, fleas, dead critters, dying critters, fighting critters, etc.
Can you imagine eating a meal in that stench? Or trying to sleep at night?
You’d think it’s beyond something that human beings can endure. But again, barely a week goes by without another one of these bizarre stories popping up.
But this blog isn’t about the people who live in these homes. They are clearly koo-koo.
It’s about the otherwise normal people who read or hear about these stories and then become frantically determined to adopt one of the poor pets.
In the latest cases, hundreds of people were clamoring to adopt the Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, Chinese cresteds and Lhasa apsos found in the home.
The Associated Press reported that the requests “reached fever pitch, with calls coming in from around the globe and potential owners getting into shoving matches.”
Some dog-lovers called from Germany and Australia!
Uh, people, settle down.
Any town of any size in the developed world has an animal shelter. You can get a dog or cat from any of them any time you want. It is not really necessary to become so agitated over neglected pets in another state … or country.
The dogs and cats in these stories need someone to rescue them and take care of them. But there are millions of neglected children in America and the Third World who also need help every day.
Let’s not forget about them.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Spitzergate, the Sequel
If you thought Spitzergate would quietly fade away now, you are mistaken. It is getting ready to take off like a space shuttle from Cape Canaveral.
As soon-to-be-former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s life spirals downward, the fortunes of “Kristen” will soar. Kristen, of course, is Ashley Dupre, the hooker at the center of this firestorm.
Spitzer’s future is bleak.
He is looking at indictment for various crimes ranging from money laundering to violating the infamous Mann Act — bringing a woman across state lines for immoral purposes. He will have embarrassing court appearances. (Is there any other kind? Will loyal wife Silda appear by his side stoically again … and again?)
He will have his fingerprints and mugshot taken. The mug will be on Web sites like TMZ within hours. He probably will be disbarred, at least for a few years.
Ashley, on the other hand, will cash in big time. Pop culture is already perfectly accepting of soft porn, with sleazy reality shows in which contestants vie for the chance to “get busy” with the star/host. Ashley’s plans to sell her body in a different way will mesh well with this trend.
Her agent will command hefty fees for interviews, TV appearances, a ghost-written book, maybe even an inane TV movie-of-the-week. Playboy and Penthouse will offer big bucks for the photo spread.
Through it all, if Ashley is well-coached, she will try to come off as an innocent, plucky girl who somehow got mixed up in this darned prostitution thing.
But doggone it, despite the tough breaks life has thrown at her, she is going to overcome it all and make something of herself. (“I want to work with children.”)
Millions of gullible people will suck up every word.
Meanwhile, the Spitzer family will suffer in countless ways.
Silda will be alternately praised for standing by her man and condemned for enabling him (when she probably knew nothing about Eliot’s dark secret).
The three daughters are teenagers, yet they have to cope with their world being turned upside down … and intimate knowledge of their father’s sexual misdeeds. Yikes.
Eliot Spitzer is still a young man — 48. They said he might have been president one day.
How he will live with this humiliation for the rest of his life, and what he will do with his life for the rest of his life, are morbidly fascinating questions.
I guess we’ll watch how it all plays out.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Going too Ferraro
Geraldine Ferraro must not be aging well. She seems to suffer from memory loss.
Ferraro, of course, came out of obscurity lately because of her comments that Sen. Barack Obama “would not be in this position” if he were white instead of black.
In 1988, she said much the same about another black presidential candidate:
“If Jesse Jackson were not black, he wouldn’t be in the race.”
Leaving aside the question of whether Ferraro has a small point or not, let’s be honest:
Hillary Clinton “would not be in this position” if she were not a woman, specifically the wife of a president and governor.
Whatever power she wielded in Little Rock and Washington derived from her marriage.
She had accomplished nothing politically on her own until she was elected to the Senate from New York in 2000.
If her name had been Hillary Smith then, she wouldn’t have even gotten past the primary in that election.
And — mother of all points — Ferraro was picked as Walter Mondale’s running mate in 1984 only because she was a woman.
If she had been a male House member from New York, her name wouldn’t have been mentioned.
Overcoming barriers is hard. It doesn’t help when people say dumb things.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
The jokes begin
Already moving across the 'Net, the "best headline" in Spitzergate:
"Prostitute Admits Link to Eliot Spitzer;
Resigns From Escort Service in Disgrace."
Monday, March 10, 2008
Adios, Eliot
At the time this was written, Eliot Spitzer was still governor of New York. By the time you read it, he might not be.
Spitzer’s political career is hanging by a thread. Within a day or two at most, the thread probably will be snapped.
It’s not just the embarrassment — and stupidity — of an uber-politician dallying with hookers.
It’s not just the large amounts of money — several thou at a time! — he was tossing around for his little vice.
It’s not just that the former attorney general made his reputation as someone who fought corruption, not someone who rolled in it.
It’s not just that bringing a hooker across state lines makes the crime even worse.
It’s all of those things … and more.
It’s the likelihood that this wasn’t a one-time blunder. According to CBS 2 in New York, the federal wiretap that snared Spitzer recorded him saying about the payment, “Yup, same as in the past, no question about it."
Oh, and did I mention that the employee of the call-girl service warned the gal that Spitzer would “ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe — you know — I mean that ... very basic things. ... ”
It’s over, Eliot.
Your wife and 3 daughters will never forget this kick in the stomach.
And you will spend the rest of your life thinking, “Oh my God … I blew it!”
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Stuck again
It’s official. We live in a time when somebody will file a lawsuit over anything — without shame, without the slightest concern over the implications of his lawsuit.
Take Nathaniel King of Saratoga Springs, N.Y. He has a problem with needles — and no, he doesn’t use them to inject illegal drugs.
He would never do that. In fact, he’s downright scared of needles. When he sees ’em, he passes out. He even went to a hypnotist to try to get over this fear, but it didn’t work.
What’s crazy about this case of needlephobia is that it seriously interfered with King’s job as a city firefighter. In fact, it prevented him from finishing his newly required paramedic training.
You see, paramedics have to use needles on patients to give injections or start IVs. In his paramedic training, King fainted away like an exhausted marathoner every time he saw the sharp, shiny things.
Since King couldn’t do this crucial part of his job, he was asked to leave his job.
You might think he would accept this decision, but no. He is suing to get his job back.
Think about that: We live in a country where a judge will be asked to force a city to hire a firefighter who admits he can’t fulfill all of his duties — like one that could cause someone to die.
I hope I never get injured in Saratoga Springs, N.Y.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Look out below
A 52-year-old man who had just been convicted of child molesting leaped off the ninth floor of a courthouse in Santa Ana, Calif., on Tuesday. And no, he didn’t survive the fall.
It seems that Carlos Tello climbed out onto a balcony with a suicide note tucked into his clothing and jumped. Or plunged, more accurately.
A bailiff actually saw him before he went over the edge and tried to pull him back. But he said, “Nobody’s stopping me,” and he was right.
Tello had just been convicted of repeatedly molesting a young girl between 1989 and 1994. He was facing more than 20 years in the pen.
I know we are not supposed to be pleased with anyone’s death, and we are all Children of God and all that.
But I have tried really hard here, and I am having a hard time feeling sorry for this creep.
I am thinking more along the lines of, "Good riddance."
Monday, March 03, 2008
Dreamland
You’re not just dreaming. Well, actually you are, and that’s part of the problem.
A survey by the National Sleep Foundation reveals that we aren’t getting enough rest. You, me, Uncle Bob, Aunt Sue, the whole gang.
A third of us have fallen asleep at work or gotten very, very tired.
Why? Because we are averaging only six hours and 40 minutes of sleep per night. (Or day, if you work nights. Whatever.) And 6/40 is not enough.
The sleep czars won’t get any grief from me on this one.
In fact, as I was writing this blog, I was getting very drowsy … I began to drift off …. and …
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