It had to be the most obvious rhetorical question in the history of show business:
"Why would we get rid of Paula?" asked the executive producer of "American Idol" in a recent interview.
Indeed, why?
The question was floated, sort of, after Paula Abdul’s latest on-air meltdown.
(Someone ought to create a full list of her on-air meltdowns and continuously update it. It would be hilarious. Do you remember that teary breakdown she had a while back when she had a stupid problem in her stupid life and was wailing something like, “How can there be a God and let this happen to me?” I swear I almost broke a rib laughing.)
Paula made a fool of herself again when she became painfully confused about what she was doing. Specifically, she critiqued two songs from Jason Castro when he’d sung only one.
It caused a bit of flurry, naturally. Which is precisely why the executive producer of “Idol” will never dump Paula.
She is money in the bank.
Her silly comments, massive ego, tearful outbursts and frequent bouts with pills or booze (or both) are incredibly entertaining.
Pathetic, really, but entertaining too in a morbid sort of way.
Yes, the ratings for “Idol” have dipped a bit. But they are still solid and couldn’t stay in the stratosphere forever.
And they’re not dropping because of Paula. You don’t want to watch normal people on “Idol.” Well, maybe a few. But the human train wrecks are much more interesting.
Don’t worry, Paula. Your job as a “judge,” of all things, is safe.
The rest of your life is a joke, of course.
But you will be sitting in that seat with an insipid grin on your face for the last “Idol” show, whenever that is.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Paula Abdul forever
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Fur fight
New York has become the first state in the nation to ban, uh, certain methods of euthanizing animals that are harvested for their fur.
Yes, we are talking about anal and genital electrocution. (But you suspected that, didn’t you?)
State Sen. Frank Padavan even said of this fur fight, “I draw a very strong correlation between how we treat domestic animals and all animals and how we treat each other.”
Soon, mink, foxes, chinchillas and rabbits will go to that Great Big Zoo in the sky via other methods — in New York, that is. In the other 49 states, it’s still business as usual.
Two points:
1) Sen. Padavan is making a biiiiig leap in comparing this curious practice to “how we treat each other.”
2) It’s hard to argue in favor of this kind of electrocution. It does sound creepy. But I’m not sure that one way of euthanizing an animal is much more humane than another as long as the critter doesn’t feel unnecessary pain — or preferably any pain.
As the Bard put it in Macbeth, “If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly.”
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Rocket misfires
A few months ago, Roger Clemens was one of the biggest names in sports. Maybe not the most loved guy in baseball, but respected across the board.
Seven Cy Young awards, — two more than Randy Johnson. A whole bunch of other Hall of Fame numbers — 354 wins, 4,672 strikeouts.
His retiring and unretiring shtick in the last few years was impossible to ignore. Surely he would be remembered as one of the greatest pitchers ever.
Then came the Mitchell report, which said what a lot of people had whispered all along: Roger got some pharmaceutical help in his later years, and we ain’t talking Nolan Ryan’s Advil.
Now the Mitchell report has been followed by the McCready report.
Rog admits he had a decade-long relationship with the country star … that began when Mindy was only 15. But the Rocket insists it wasn’t, uh, sexual.
If you believe that, you probably also believe that he threw inside heat so hitters could get a good look at the baseball.
The story of Roger’s relationship to Mindy came out after he foolishly filed a lawsuit against his former trainer, who said he was a big-time juicer.
And there’s still a fair chance Rog could be indicted for perjury for volunteering to go before Congress and swear he never touched the stuff.
He should have quit while he was ahead. He would have been assured of a Hall of Fame berth the first year he was eligible.
Now that’s far into the future, and he suddenly has other legal problems.
In 1996, McCready had a No. 1 single called, “Guys Do It All the Time.”
They sure do.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Food fight
The next time you hear someone complain about “cruel and unusual punishment” in America, think about Broderick Laswell.
Broderick is an inmate in the Benton County (Ark.) jail, awaiting trial for murder. Something about beating and stabbing a guy to death, and then setting his home on fire.
After eight months in the slammer, he has sued the county. Says he is “literally being starved to death.”
"On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out," Laswell put in his lawsuit. "About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl."
And he means it. He’s lost 105 pounds since he’s been inside.
The catch? Well, Broderick still weighs … 308 pounds!
That’s right, taxpayers. He was 413 pounds when he went in and apparently didn’t want to trim the tonnage.
Oh, and he also wants hot food, not the cold stuff the jail has served for years.
Poor Broderick.
The poor guy is wasting away to nothing, and he doesn’t even seem to realize that he’s in a jail, not a swanky hotel.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Another thug in Big D
As of Friday night, the trade that could send Adam “Pacman” Jones to the Dallas Cowboys was not yet nailed down.
I would say that I hope it doesn’t happen, but by this point it doesn’t matter.
Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones has made it clear that he likes thugs and outlaws like Terrell Owens and “Tank” Johnson — both of whom were kicked off their previous teams for misconduct.
Pacman will fit right in. Don’t be surprised if he is followed by Chad Johnson, the talented punk now feuding with the Bengals.
The usual explanation for clueless owners like this is that they want to “win at all costs.”
I think it’s more pathetic for Jerry. He likes the bad-boy image. It’s a phase most guys go through, but we outgrow it around 15 or 16.
And Jerry, who’s not real smart, doesn’t want to be thought of as conventional and boring.
So for him, the way to avoid that is to sign every felon as soon as they make bail.
I’m serious about this prediction: Do not be shocked if he signs Michael Vick when he gets out.
What a sad fall for a franchise that once had such upright leaders as Tom Landry and Roger Staubach.
Jerry wouldn't know the high road if it was spray-painted fluorescent orange.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Bearly safe
Folks at the Predators in Action wild animal training center in Big Bear Lake, Calif., are grieving.
One of its grizzly bears bit one of its trainers in the neck. And now he is dead.
Two other trainers were working with Stephan Miller when the fatal accident happened.
They were said to be surprised by the tragedy. Said the bear was following cues and behaving well.
In a February interview, one of the trainers called Rocky “the best working bear in the business.”
So what happened?
I’m no expert in bear behavior, but I do know this.
"Rocky" is 7½ feet tall and weighs 700 pounds. In the wild, bears like that kill and eat things rather easily. In fact, very easily.
"Rocky" may have been in captivity a long time, but he ain’t a pet. You can take the bear out of the wild, but you can’t take the wild out of the bear.
This was the same bear, incidentally, that wrestled Will Ferrell’s character in the recent film “Semi-Pro.” For that scene, Ferrell used a stunt double.
Good call, Will. There are too many sports-spoofs movies yet unmade.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Lucky kid, stupid parent
Lisa Harrell made a great save this week, and she’s not a hockey goalie.
She’s a mail carrier. And as she was making her rounds Monday in Albany, N.Y., she noticed a toddler on the edge of a second-story window.
She was going to alert someone inside the home, but she didn’t have time.
The child fell out. And miraculously, Harrell caught the kid.
Talk about right time/right place.
The baby wasn’t hurt, and a few moments later the mom ran out.
All’s well that ends well, right?
Wrong. No charges will be filed against the moronic mom, who put her daughter on a bed that was up against an open window.
What kind of a mother would do that? She’s should have gotten a few days inside a jail cell to reflect upon how stupid she is.
The toddler survived this blunder.
I wouldn’t bet the ranch that she’ll make it to her 18th birthday as long as she lives with Mommie Dumbest.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Love that lynx
A group of animal lovers is suing the U.S. and Wildlife Service because it won’t extend federal protection to lynx in New Mexico, as it does in 14 other states.
The feds are wrong, and they should admit it.
So what does this have to do with anything?
Not much, I guess, except a lynx is the only wild cat I have seen in the wild.
It was on a trip to Colorado with a buddy; we were hiking up the spine of a mountain.
Like most lynx sightings, it was brief — a few seconds, more shadow than light.
But it was a lynx, and it was cool.
On that same hike, by the way, a golden eagle soared around us in a huge half-circle.
Those are the things you remember about a trip outdoors.
Happy Earth Day.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Mansion madness
F. Scott Fitzgerald said a mouthful. The rich are different from you and me.
For starters, they have more money.
Like John L. Thornton, 54, a former Goldman Sachs partner and chairman of the Brookings Institution.
He just bought a mansion in Palm Beach, Fla. For $77.5 million. Throw in closing costs, and the purchase price jumps to $81 mil.
That’s a record for mansion-buying.
Frankly, I think he overpaid.
Hey, don’t get me wrong. It’s a nice pad.
According to the Palm Beach Post, “The estate boasts 5 lushly landscaped acres and 300 feet of ocean frontage. The 32,000-square-foot home was designed by Thierry Despont, who also created Bill Gates’ mansion. The living room includes 26-foot ceilings and 20-foot-high glass panels that disappear into the floor at the push of a button. The home also features a wine cellar, pool, waterfalls, staff quarters and an air chiller and 27-zone air conditioning system.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Personally, I wouldn’t have forked over more than $60 mil.
Maybe $65 mil, but not a penny more.
Sometimes, you just gotta draw the line.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Tejada's tale
As if things weren’t bad enough for the last-place Astros, Miguel Tejada seems to have aged a couple of years even though the season has barely begun.
In fact, their hot free-agent signing in the offseason has gotten older. After ESPN found a copy of his birth certificate from the Dominican Republic, Tejada admitted he was 33, not 31.
You see, when he first signed a pro ball contract at 19, he said a local coach encouraged him to say he was 17 instead. So he did.
“It’s something that happened the first time I signed my contract,” Tejada said. “I had no intention of doing anything wrong.”
Apparently, this jock doesn’t understand that lying about your age could be, well, considered “doing anything wrong.”
If I were Astros owner Drayton McLane, I’d be ticked off.
He just signed a contract with Tejada that has a lot of zeroes behind a swiggly number, thinking the slugger had so much playing time and ability left. Now it turns out he has two years less of it.
Pro sports is a young man’s game. Old athletes don’t get better -- unless they’re juicin’.
Which brings us back to Tejada, who was mentioned in the infamous Mitchell Report as one of those ballplayers who occasionally got some pharmaceutical help that wasn’t exactly legal.
Tejada denied then that he did anything wrong.
Q: Do you wonder if he was fibbing about that too?
A: Does Roy Oswalt throw fast?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Courting trouble
Adam Reposa must have been playing hooky that day in law school when the prof said, “And another thing. When you’re in court, don’t pretend to whack off in front of the judge.”
If he had been in class that day instead of throwing a frisbee around in the quadrangle, Reposa probably would be a free man. Instead, he’s doing 90 days for contempt of court.
That’s because last March, while standing before a county court-at-law judge in Austin, he used his right hand in an internationally recognized symbol for, uh, masturbation.
At his hearing this week, Reposa’s lawyer asked for a sentence of just one day in jail.
The presiding judge game him 90. He said he felt it was his "honor to uphold the integrity of the judicial process."
I would say something snippy about that, but I might find myself in a cell next to Reposa.
Oh well, Reposa is a defense attorney, and this is a learning experience.
Now he can say in all honesty to the dirtbags he represents, “Hey, man, I know what it’s like on the inside. You can do that much time easy. … Just avoid the meatloaf on Tuesdays.”
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Tag this
Hey, it’s about time.
Thank God some courageous principal has stepped forward and stopped a brutal “sport” that takes place on playgrounds all across America.
Yes, I am talking about the game of tag.
Robyn Hooker, principal of Kent Gardens Elementary School in Virginia, told her kids no more tag during recess.
Hooker was disgusted that all that chasing and yelling had become nothing more than a game "of intense aggression."
… The above words are sarcastic, of course.
What I really think is, “Aaarrrggghhh, a politically correct wimp strikes again! And worst of all, this weenie wields power!”
The prissy principal said the “nouveau tag” the kids were playing involved things like grabbing people not in the game and bumping them to the ground.
OK, then deal with that aspect of the game or those kids.
If kids talk in the cafeteria, do you ban eating?
At another school in Fairfax County, Va., its office of risk management (I don’t think my old school had one of them) bans … dodge ball and tug-of-war.
If this kind of thing takes hold, we will turn our kids into a bunch of geeks and sissies. They don’t get enough — or any — exercise as it is, so now we are going to clamp down on recess?
One disgusted parent asked, “Will we eliminate ‘duck duck goose’ because kids are being touched?"
Shhh. Don’t give ’em any ideas.
Monday, April 14, 2008
That's right, 53 times
If you ever wondered why some law-abiding folks want things like “three strikes and you’re out” laws to protect them, consider Freddie Johnson of New York.
This fine example of a broken criminal justice system has been arrested … brace yourselves … 53 times, mostly for … brace yourselves again … rubbing up against women on subway trains.
Ick!
That’s right, 53 times. And who knows how many times this perv did his thing on women who were too disgusted or embarrassed to report it.
He just got out of prison on March 25 after serving four years for persistent sexual abuse. No surprise that he goes back to his favorite hobby.
The surprise is why he wasn’t put away a long, long time ago.
“The behavior is disturbing, there is no question,” said Elizabeth Jeglic, a professor of treatment and rehabilitation of offenders at John Jay College of Criminal Justice. “But in the larger scheme you want to commit the people who are grabbing kids off the street, or the rapist in Central Park.”
Well, yeah, I suppose so. Then again, you need to find a cell for serial offenders like Johnson, even if his crime is “minor.”
Prosecutors say that this time, Johnson could get up to life in prison. They’ve finally realized what a threat he is.
That’s nice. It should have happened about 50 arrests ago.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Three thoughts
Three quick thoughts to wrap up the week:
The state news wire was filled with reports that rapper Vanilla Ice, of all people, had been released from jail Friday after being busted for assaulting his wife — in Florida, no less.
Apparently, the folks at the Associated Press who compile the state news wire think this is important because Ice grew up in Dallas.
Um, who cares?
This guy had one hit in 1990. Does he still qualify as a “celebrity”?
I didn’t think so.
-----------------------------
The principal at a “highly rated” school in the Southlake Carroll school district in Texas has resigned after suspicions of shenanigans on the TAKS test.
Uh, do you think Old Union Elementary is “highly rated” precisely because of shenanigans on the TAKS test?
That’s my guess, too.
-----------------------
An East Texas man named Alvin Kelly lost another court appeal in his murder case. The news story said the court's ruling was “moving him closer” to execution for the crime.
Well, considering that the crime occurred 24 years ago, I wouldn’t exactly tell the victim’s family to get ready for a trip to the death chamber to serve as witnesses.
In fact, I’m not sure the victim’s family is still alive after all this time.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Mom and Dumber
So who’s a bigger fool, the 17-year-old girl in Austin who thinks she’s in love with a 27-year-old coach and Spanish teacher at her high school … or her mother?
I vote for Mom. After all, she said she thought the two were in love and gave legal consent for Little Miss Hottie to marry one Randy Arias. (In the British sense, he was indeed randy.)
But back to the fun couple. Mom even went with the bride-to-be when she applied for the marriage license. This for her own daughter, who just turned 17 last month.
Is there still a charge called “contributing to the delinquency of a minor”? How about “making a really stupid call as a parent”?
The law needs to hang something on Mommie Dearest. Then it can turn its attention to Arias.
You may recall his name. He was a track star at Texas State University and still holds the school record for 5,000 meters.
Maybe he can notch the same title at another institution — that is, if they have track meets in prisons. (I know from watching The Longest Yard I and II that they have football games on the inside.)
Some judge or jury should not be swayed by arguments that the gal was almost legal. She wasn’t, and she was still in high school.
Any teacher, coach or librarian who can’t keep his hands off the student body should get some time to think about it in a place without those distractions.
If she looks like someone on a "Girls Gone Wild" video, she's too young.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Tiger Troubles II
In my last post, I gloated over the 0-6 Detroit Tigers, the team with the big-bucks payroll that was supposed to steamroll through the AL Central. Make that the 0-7 Tigers, the only team in baseball that’s still 0-for-April.
Even the crummy Giants, thankfully rid of Barry “Balco” Bonds, have won a game. Just one game, but a game nonetheless.
The Tigers’ troubles resonate outside of sports and even the game of baseball.
They were good to begin with. Then in the off-season, they signed three mega-free agents — Edgar Renteria from the Braves and Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis from the Marlins.
They were stacked deeper than almost any team except the ’27 Yankees, with an All-Star at nearly every position.
But sometimes in life, the best lawyer doesn’t win the trial. The smartest kid doesn’t write the best report. The company with the dazzling reputation doesn’t get the bid.
Sometimes, favorites don't win. Underdogs come through despite the odds.
Thank God, or this would be an awfully boring world.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Tiger Troubles
If you’re a sports fan, or if you just root for underdogs, you have to like the start of Major League Baseball.
Only one team has failed to win a game in the first week. That would be the mighty Tigers, who went to the bank and signed some impressive free agents to add to their already strong team. In fact, Detroit has the second-highest payroll in the game, just behind (who else?) the Evil Empire, a.k.a., the New York Yankees.
The Tigers are stacked so deep that they are batting one of their big off-season acquisitions, the talented Edgar Renteria, seventh. He’s good and would hit higher on any other club.
Last night, on a nationally televised game, the Tigers started one of the game’s best pitchers, Justin Verlander. He got shelled. The Tigers lost again, in a blowout, no less, 13-2.
Before the game, analyst Joe Morgan said the Tigers had the best lineup of any 0-5 team he has ever seen. He was right. I guess the same applies to the 0-6 Tigers.
Detroit probably will right the ship and end up in the post-season anyway. Still, for now it’s hard to resist cackling as high-priced jocks stumble about and make excuses.
At the other end of the scale are the two teams with the best records in baseball, the 5-1 Brewers and 5-1 Cardinals. This is also rich in irony.
Both teams play in what has been called the weakest division (the Central) in the weakest league (the National). Yet so far, “Comedy Central” has the hot teams.
Well, except for the last-place 2-5 Astros, whom the Cards face in a three-game series that starts tonight.
The Brewers’ success is not surprising. They had a good team last year and have gotten better.
The Cardinals, the team I have rooted for since growing up in St. Louis, are an entirely different story. Even though they won the World Series two years ago, they have fallen far.
Most of their former stars are either old or gone or injured. In fact, they have the incredible total of nine players on the Disabled List, the most of any team in the game.
Despite all that, they are managing to win somehow with backups and plug-ins. They even had a rainout in their home opener against the league’s best team last year, the Rockies. They were leading 5-1 when the game was called and probably would have won that one too.
As with the Tigers, the pre-season predictions for the Cards probably will pan out.
But for now, it’s nice for your team to have the best record in the game, even if it just after one week in a long, long season.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Excuses, Massachusetts style
I thought Massachusetts was filled with smart people. After all, it has some of the nation’s top universities — Harvard, Wellesley, Boston College, Tufts and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology to name a few.
So how come state legislature in this magnet for brainiacs wants to let aspiring teachers who have failed the state certification test three times … get licensed anyway?
Good grief! If this was happening in the Deep South, the moron jokes would be flying out of the snooty East Coast.
Yet here we have the chairman of the Massachusetts Board of Education saying, “The test is one methodology …but it isn’t necessarily the best venue for everybody to demonstrate their competency.”
Incredibly, the state Senate approved the three-strikes-and-you’re-not-out bill by the whopping margin of 34-5.
This is pathetic. If a supposedly educated person — an educator, by the way — can’t pass a certification test, he shouldn’t be certified. That’s the way the world works — or should work.
If you don’t pass the certification test the first time for teacher, bartender or brain surgeon, you go back to the library or classroom, study a little harder and try again.
If you make it, congratulations. If you don’t, well, perhaps it might be time to consider an alternative career, like something in ditch-digging.
Chuck Zucco, owner of a Massachusetts company that helps teachers prepare for the test, says most of his customers who repeatedly fail the test — some more than a dozen times! — have learning disabilities or speak English as a second language.
Good grief again! I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’ll just say it: If you have a severe learning disability or can’t speak English very well … you shouldn’t be a teacher!
A few folks in the Bay State realize how dumb this is.
“It demeans the whole profession,” said state Sen. Richard R. Tisei, a Republican and the Senate minority leader. “Teachers should be held to the same standards that we expect when we certify a lawyer, an accountant, a funeral director. … What type of message does that send to the kids?”
Well put, senator. And I’ll tell you what message it sends to the kids:
It tells them loud and clear that you don’t have to try very hard. That you can always make a lame excuse … and some sucker will fall for it. That you don’t have to strive for excellence but simply hold out your hand and demand your “entitlement.”
I’m not an educator or a futurist. But I predict that if a state lets unqualified teachers teach, it is going to end up with a bunch of stupid kids.
And you expected some other result?
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Blaming the victim
It was one of those sad stories you run across from time to time — though it could have been a lot worse.
A woman in Maryland was being attacked — strangled, actually — by some creep on the floor of a kitchen in a boarding house.
Fortunately, the woman’s 12-year-old son heard her cries for help.
"I kept saying, ‘Stop! Stop! Stop!’ " the boy said. "But he just ignored me. He didn’t stop. He just kept hurting her."
So the boy grabbed a knife — this was in a kitchen, remember — and slashed the jerk in the neck. Unfortunately — for the jerk, that is — an artery was cut and he croaked.
Maybe the late attacker had a tough life or something, but I gotta tell you, basically I’m thinking no big loss.
The person I feel sorry for is the boy. Even though he did the right thing — a very brave thing, actually — that is a tough burden to carry around, especially at such a young age. I hope the lad can get past it and realize that he saved his mother from a worse fate.
Anyhow, here’s the part of the news story that really shocked me:
Even though the preliminary investigation indicates the boy and his mother are telling the truth, “Law enforcement officials were reviewing evidence and had not decided whether to file charges.”
Huh? File charges against the boy? For what, killing a dirtbag out of season?
If this incident went down the way it appears, the boy did absolutely nothing wrong. Charging him with any kind of crime would be absurd — and grotesque.
I hope there are enough sensible people left in Maryland to understand that.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Senior service
Sen. Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey is running for re-election.
Nothing surprising there. Politicians do it all the time. In fact, it’s almost news when they don’t decide to keep feeding at the public trough — I mean nobly serving the taxpayers.
What is unusual with Lautenberg, however, is his age. He’s 84. Do the math. If he is re-elected to another six-year term, he will be 90 when it’s over. If he isn't over first.
Sure, we’ve all heard of old folks who are spry and sharp in their 80s and 90s.
But Strom Thurmond served in the U.S. Senate until he was 100, and that was clearly a term or two too long.
Right now, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia is 80, and he too is clearly past his prime.
Members of Congress need a retirement age. The new slogan ought to be “80 and out.”
Experience can be a good thing. Too much of it is not so good.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Hijacked cash
Hey, this is America. It’s OK to like money. It’s annoying when people pretend they don’t.
Take Brian Ingram of Mena, Ark., who was lucky enough to find $5,880 of the loot snared by famed hijacker D.B. Cooper in 1971.
Ingram, then 8 years old, was on a camping trip with his family when he found three bundles of deteriorating $20 bills on the shores of the Columbia River near Portland, Ore., in 1980.
First of all, D.B. Cooper was not the fake name the hijacker gave when boarding. It was Dan Cooper, but an early misidentification of him as D.B. Cooper has stuck. So there it is; another consequence of errors in journalism.
Second, I don’t know why Ingram’s family didn’t have to give back the money they found, seeing as it was definitely matched by serial numbers to Cooper’s loot. (Again, Dan’s, not D.B.’s)
For some reason, the FBI kept only 13 of the bills. (Isn’t 13 an unlucky number? Doesn’t that make it less like the feds will find the hijacker?)
Whatever. Ingram’s folks let him keep the loot, which was nice, and now he wants to cash in, which is understandable. Only that’s not what he said when he announced that the weathered bills would be put up for auction.
“My wife and I have discussed it over a few years, and we just decided we wanted to share it with people,” said Ingram.
Clang!
Wrong, Brian. You don’t want to “share” the money with anyone. You want to make more money off of it.
If you truly wanted to “share” it with someone, you would donate it to something like the International Hijackers Hall of Fame, if there was such a thing, which there isn’t.
I hope the Ingram’s get a good bid for Cooper’s cash. After all, they say they want to use the proceeds as a college fund for their kids.
That’s nice. Just stop pretending that this is some kind of selfless, noble gesture.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Return of the Lastros?
If you’re a Houston Astros fan and you’re hoping for another exciting season, well, let’s just say you might have some free time on your hands around the World Series.
To put this delicately, most “experts” are predicting an Astros season that will be either mediocre … or crappy.
On Yahoo.com sports this week, three pundits made their picks for all divisions.
Steven Henson said the Astros would finish dead even, 81-81 — good enough, if that’s the term, for third place among the six teams in “Comedy Central.”
It doesn’t get any better. In fact, it gets kinda stinky.
Tim Brown predicted a 76-86 season for the ’Stros (fourth place).
Jeff Passan figured 70-92 (fifth place).
Sports Illustrated, the mother of all sports publications, joined in the dogpile.
It picked the Astros to finish 74-88 (fourth).
Rubbing salt in the wound, SI said new GM Ed Wade “did little to upgrade a rotation that was about as stable as francium in 2007.” (If you’re not a physicist — and how many of us are? — francium is a notoriously unstable chemical element.)
If you thought the addition of Miguel Tejada and Kazuo Matsui would put some lift in the Astros rockets, well, think again.
SI called Tejada a “declining star … whose range continues to deteriorate.” Matsui? An “overpriced journeyman (for $16.5 million).” (By the way, he doesn't like the nickname "Kaz" either. It's Kazuo to you, buddy.)
Hey, it could be worse. You could be a St. Louis Cardinals fan, like me. All of the above pundits predicted an even worse season for the Cards.
For the record, their picks respectively were 70-92 (fifth), 73-89 (fifth), 69-93 (sixth … and last!) and from SI, 73-89 (fifth).
Oh, well, get ready to utter the battle cry of the Chicago Cubs, “Wait ’til next year!”
And in the meantime, say the prayer that has sustained many fans in the NL Central for many years:
“Thank God for the Pittsburgh Pirates!”
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Cards for cons
Is this a great country or what?
An entrepreneur in Los Angeles has found a new niche in the greeting card business. Attorney Terrye L. Cheathem has formed Three Squares Greetings, which provides cards for inmates in jails and prisons.
Leaving aside any jokes about an attorney with the last name of “Cheathem,” this is a terrific idea. You have no shortage in your targeted demographic — 2.5 million of ’em. And trust me, we are talking about a captive audience.
Cheathem said she thought of the idea when she was looking for a greeting card for her brother-in-law, who, shall we say, was a guest of the state for 11 months.
Not surprisingly, she couldn’t find any cards on the outside aimed at folks on the inside.
So she founded Three Squares, with expressions like, “We are all praying for you while you do your time.”
Or, “You had the choice to be ‘naughty or nice.’ And you chose ... Oh well, now you have to do your time.”
Those are good, but I think Terrye needs to branch out. Like:
“We hope all is going well for you. We can’t wait for you to get out … and run off a new batch of 10s and 20s.”
“Don’t give up! 2045 will be here sooner than you think!”
“We are looking forward to your release date. … In the meantime, where did you bury the you-know-what from the bank job?”
“I know you’ve been away for a while, and when you get out you’re going to love all the new advances like flying cars, vacations to the moon and the three-day workweek. … Hey, just kidding!”
“Since you’re out of circulation, I didn’t think you’d mind if I used your car, your boat, your four-wheeler and your record collection. … Oh, and your wife and I are getting to know each other too.”
Monday, March 24, 2008
Shots on a plane
After the 9-11 attacks, one of the smartest things this country did to prevent future hijackings was let pilots and copilots carry pistols.
All of these men and women are highly trained professionals. Most have military backgrounds. If there was ever a group of people who could be trusted with carrying handguns — and had a clear reason to do so — this was it.
This simple change is the most cost-effective thing we can do for airplane security. Would-be hijackers don’t know if a pilot is packing or not. If they try to take over a plane, they might go to the afterlife sooner than they planned. And best of all, the passengers would go to Cleveland or Seattle as they planned too.
Curiously, the Bush administration dragged its heels on this sensible program. The White House only approved it after Congress demanded the change.
You have to suspect that the gun-lovin’ guys and gals in the Bush administration secretly liked the plan. But they were afraid of being called Rambos or having something go wrong.
Like an accidental discharge of a sidearm in the air. Like what happened to the pilot of a US Airways flight on a landing approach in North Carolina over the weekend.
Fortunately, no one was hurt. Fortunately, it was the first time this kind of, uh, little mistake had occurred.
No word yet as to what went wrong. As a sometime shooter, I can tell you what went wrong.
The pilot’s pistol didn’t have the safety on. Or it had a round in the chamber when it shouldn’t have. Or the pilot accidentally nudged the trigger or the hammer. After all, there are only a few ways that a weapon can be fired accidentally, and those options cover 99 percent of them.
Which is why a gun being carried for these purposes shouldn’t have a round in the chamber. When a weapon is carried like that, you can make a dumb mistake and still have 10 toes at the end of the day.
At any rate, this was the first accidental firing by a pilot after many years and countless carryings. So don’t get all nervous and say we need to make cockpits “gun-free zones.”
If I’m flying, I want my pilot or copilot bringing along his little friend.
I also want a potential terrorist wondering if the crew is carrying … and thinking that maybe he won’t make his move after all.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I'm with stupid
It was just another typical week in Texas:
A stupid 17-year-old was busted at a border crossing in El Paso for marijuana smuggling when she tried to use six huge cans of vegetables to hide her booty — the pot, not her booty. The cans are normally used by restaurants to hold about 5 pounds of veggies.
Border guards said the whole thing looked shaky from the start. They quickly found that the cans were stuffed with 25 pounds of pot.
A border official said, “These cases clearly illustrate that smuggling organizations will use any means imaginable in their attempts to introduce contraband into the United States.”
Uh, actually these cases clearly illustrate that some smugglers are as dumb as a bag of cow crap and should get extra time in prison just for being morons.
----------------------------------
Anthony Falco of Taylor was sentenced to 60 years (!) in the pen for his 10th (!) DWI since 1979.
Falco, clearly not a brain surgeon, also has convictions for theft, forgery and family violence assault.
I wonder if the judge said to him, “Tony, we cut you some slack the first eight or nine times. … But doggone it, with this 10th one, you’ve finally gone too far!”
----------------------------------
A registered sex offender is running for mayor of Wilmer.
“People need to realize that people make mistakes, and they need to look past those mistakes and forgive and move on,” said James Sliter, 42.
Sliter got caught in a sting when he went to a home where he thought he was going to have sex with a 15-year-old girl he’d been talking to on the Internet.
Wilmer has about 4,300 people. Apparently, a lot of them are idiots.
“He is a concerned citizen who wants to help this town,” said family friend Lynne Thompson. “That’s what counts.”
“They set him up,” said his neighbor, Lonnie Walden. “I’d never go see a 15-year-old girl but it’s still wrong how they set people up ... . I think there’s going to be a bunch of stink over it.”
“He’s not someone going to schools looking for kids to molest,” said Kara Martos.
… Maybe that last gal has a point. If Sliter gets elected, when a school principal needs someone to talk to the kiddos about our democratic system of government and someone to warn them about drooling sex creeps, one phone call takes care of both.
-----------------------------------------
Police suspect that a 2-year-old boy who died in La Joya from a fractured skull was killed when a “morbidly obese relative” fell on the child.
The Hidalgo County Sheriff has called the death “suspicious.”
Other people are calling it “disgusting.”
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Ashley's error
Ashley Dupre, the pathetic hooker better known as “Kristen,” did something wrong.
Yes, I mean something wrong besides selling her body to former N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer and destroying his political career and devastating his family and dominating the news for a week until Barack Obama’s crazy pastor pushed her aside.
(By the way, it was, uh, interesting to hear Spitzer’s replacement, former Lt. Gov. David Paterson, quickly admit that he too had had beaucoup affairs — and for that matter, his wife Michelle, didn’t exactly stand by her man throughout their marriage, if you know what I mean. … Maybe some day morality will once again be a requirement for New York governors, or at least a desirable option.)
Anyway, back to Ashley/Kristen.
She was all set to cash in on her newfound fame. Sure, it was going to be just as degrading as her prostitution. But once you've taken the plunge, you’re already wet, right?
One of America’s most famous sleazeballs, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, was going to offer her a cool million to host his 2008 Girls Gone Wild Spring Break Tour and pose nude for his new GGW magazine.
And isn’t that what America needs — another girlie mag?
Unfortunately, Ashley’s plans for sudden wealth took a slight detour when it was discovered that when she was 18, she’d already, er, performed for a Girls Gone Wild film crew — for free!
In fact, she shot seven full-length tapes that included nudity (of course!) and even what is delicately referred to as “same-sex contact.”
Ashley, Ashley.
People are going to think you are a slut. … Well, they already do, but now they will really think that. Tsk, tsk.
She will still rake in some big bucks — other photo shoots, interviews, a ghost-written biography, etc. — but the payday won’t be as big.
There’s a lesson in all this, and I hope everyone is paying attention:
A) Don’t be a whore. It’s disgusting.
B) If you are going to be a whore, don’t give it away.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Pet mania
Lots of people like dogs and cats — and that’s wonderful, of course.
But have you noticed how some people go a little overboard in their affection for dogs and cats? Or in some cases, a lot overboard?
Take the bizarre story last week about the nearly 800 (!) small dogs taken from a mobile home near Tucson, Ariz. (Oh, and 82 parrots too.)
Is it just me, or have these stories become sadly common?
Certainly every month, and almost every week, you read about stunned authorities finding dozens or hundreds of dogs or cats in some filthy home. The owner is invariably described as a well-meaning pet lover “who let things get out of control.”
Right, sort of like how Hurricane Rita was a windstorm that “got out of control.”
It is hard — realllly hard — to understand how someone could live in an apartment or house or mobile home that is ankle-deep in animal poop, pee, hair, fleas, dead critters, dying critters, fighting critters, etc.
Can you imagine eating a meal in that stench? Or trying to sleep at night?
You’d think it’s beyond something that human beings can endure. But again, barely a week goes by without another one of these bizarre stories popping up.
But this blog isn’t about the people who live in these homes. They are clearly koo-koo.
It’s about the otherwise normal people who read or hear about these stories and then become frantically determined to adopt one of the poor pets.
In the latest cases, hundreds of people were clamoring to adopt the Chihuahuas, Pomeranians, Chinese cresteds and Lhasa apsos found in the home.
The Associated Press reported that the requests “reached fever pitch, with calls coming in from around the globe and potential owners getting into shoving matches.”
Some dog-lovers called from Germany and Australia!
Uh, people, settle down.
Any town of any size in the developed world has an animal shelter. You can get a dog or cat from any of them any time you want. It is not really necessary to become so agitated over neglected pets in another state … or country.
The dogs and cats in these stories need someone to rescue them and take care of them. But there are millions of neglected children in America and the Third World who also need help every day.
Let’s not forget about them.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Spitzergate, the Sequel
If you thought Spitzergate would quietly fade away now, you are mistaken. It is getting ready to take off like a space shuttle from Cape Canaveral.
As soon-to-be-former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s life spirals downward, the fortunes of “Kristen” will soar. Kristen, of course, is Ashley Dupre, the hooker at the center of this firestorm.
Spitzer’s future is bleak.
He is looking at indictment for various crimes ranging from money laundering to violating the infamous Mann Act — bringing a woman across state lines for immoral purposes. He will have embarrassing court appearances. (Is there any other kind? Will loyal wife Silda appear by his side stoically again … and again?)
He will have his fingerprints and mugshot taken. The mug will be on Web sites like TMZ within hours. He probably will be disbarred, at least for a few years.
Ashley, on the other hand, will cash in big time. Pop culture is already perfectly accepting of soft porn, with sleazy reality shows in which contestants vie for the chance to “get busy” with the star/host. Ashley’s plans to sell her body in a different way will mesh well with this trend.
Her agent will command hefty fees for interviews, TV appearances, a ghost-written book, maybe even an inane TV movie-of-the-week. Playboy and Penthouse will offer big bucks for the photo spread.
Through it all, if Ashley is well-coached, she will try to come off as an innocent, plucky girl who somehow got mixed up in this darned prostitution thing.
But doggone it, despite the tough breaks life has thrown at her, she is going to overcome it all and make something of herself. (“I want to work with children.”)
Millions of gullible people will suck up every word.
Meanwhile, the Spitzer family will suffer in countless ways.
Silda will be alternately praised for standing by her man and condemned for enabling him (when she probably knew nothing about Eliot’s dark secret).
The three daughters are teenagers, yet they have to cope with their world being turned upside down … and intimate knowledge of their father’s sexual misdeeds. Yikes.
Eliot Spitzer is still a young man — 48. They said he might have been president one day.
How he will live with this humiliation for the rest of his life, and what he will do with his life for the rest of his life, are morbidly fascinating questions.
I guess we’ll watch how it all plays out.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Going too Ferraro
Geraldine Ferraro must not be aging well. She seems to suffer from memory loss.
Ferraro, of course, came out of obscurity lately because of her comments that Sen. Barack Obama “would not be in this position” if he were white instead of black.
In 1988, she said much the same about another black presidential candidate:
“If Jesse Jackson were not black, he wouldn’t be in the race.”
Leaving aside the question of whether Ferraro has a small point or not, let’s be honest:
Hillary Clinton “would not be in this position” if she were not a woman, specifically the wife of a president and governor.
Whatever power she wielded in Little Rock and Washington derived from her marriage.
She had accomplished nothing politically on her own until she was elected to the Senate from New York in 2000.
If her name had been Hillary Smith then, she wouldn’t have even gotten past the primary in that election.
And — mother of all points — Ferraro was picked as Walter Mondale’s running mate in 1984 only because she was a woman.
If she had been a male House member from New York, her name wouldn’t have been mentioned.
Overcoming barriers is hard. It doesn’t help when people say dumb things.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
The jokes begin
Already moving across the 'Net, the "best headline" in Spitzergate:
"Prostitute Admits Link to Eliot Spitzer;
Resigns From Escort Service in Disgrace."
Monday, March 10, 2008
Adios, Eliot
At the time this was written, Eliot Spitzer was still governor of New York. By the time you read it, he might not be.
Spitzer’s political career is hanging by a thread. Within a day or two at most, the thread probably will be snapped.
It’s not just the embarrassment — and stupidity — of an uber-politician dallying with hookers.
It’s not just the large amounts of money — several thou at a time! — he was tossing around for his little vice.
It’s not just that the former attorney general made his reputation as someone who fought corruption, not someone who rolled in it.
It’s not just that bringing a hooker across state lines makes the crime even worse.
It’s all of those things … and more.
It’s the likelihood that this wasn’t a one-time blunder. According to CBS 2 in New York, the federal wiretap that snared Spitzer recorded him saying about the payment, “Yup, same as in the past, no question about it."
Oh, and did I mention that the employee of the call-girl service warned the gal that Spitzer would “ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe — you know — I mean that ... very basic things. ... ”
It’s over, Eliot.
Your wife and 3 daughters will never forget this kick in the stomach.
And you will spend the rest of your life thinking, “Oh my God … I blew it!”
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Stuck again
It’s official. We live in a time when somebody will file a lawsuit over anything — without shame, without the slightest concern over the implications of his lawsuit.
Take Nathaniel King of Saratoga Springs, N.Y. He has a problem with needles — and no, he doesn’t use them to inject illegal drugs.
He would never do that. In fact, he’s downright scared of needles. When he sees ’em, he passes out. He even went to a hypnotist to try to get over this fear, but it didn’t work.
What’s crazy about this case of needlephobia is that it seriously interfered with King’s job as a city firefighter. In fact, it prevented him from finishing his newly required paramedic training.
You see, paramedics have to use needles on patients to give injections or start IVs. In his paramedic training, King fainted away like an exhausted marathoner every time he saw the sharp, shiny things.
Since King couldn’t do this crucial part of his job, he was asked to leave his job.
You might think he would accept this decision, but no. He is suing to get his job back.
Think about that: We live in a country where a judge will be asked to force a city to hire a firefighter who admits he can’t fulfill all of his duties — like one that could cause someone to die.
I hope I never get injured in Saratoga Springs, N.Y.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Look out below
A 52-year-old man who had just been convicted of child molesting leaped off the ninth floor of a courthouse in Santa Ana, Calif., on Tuesday. And no, he didn’t survive the fall.
It seems that Carlos Tello climbed out onto a balcony with a suicide note tucked into his clothing and jumped. Or plunged, more accurately.
A bailiff actually saw him before he went over the edge and tried to pull him back. But he said, “Nobody’s stopping me,” and he was right.
Tello had just been convicted of repeatedly molesting a young girl between 1989 and 1994. He was facing more than 20 years in the pen.
I know we are not supposed to be pleased with anyone’s death, and we are all Children of God and all that.
But I have tried really hard here, and I am having a hard time feeling sorry for this creep.
I am thinking more along the lines of, "Good riddance."
Monday, March 03, 2008
Dreamland
You’re not just dreaming. Well, actually you are, and that’s part of the problem.
A survey by the National Sleep Foundation reveals that we aren’t getting enough rest. You, me, Uncle Bob, Aunt Sue, the whole gang.
A third of us have fallen asleep at work or gotten very, very tired.
Why? Because we are averaging only six hours and 40 minutes of sleep per night. (Or day, if you work nights. Whatever.) And 6/40 is not enough.
The sleep czars won’t get any grief from me on this one.
In fact, as I was writing this blog, I was getting very drowsy … I began to drift off …. and …
Friday, February 29, 2008
More Clara chronicles
I said it before and I will say it again:
If you murder your husband by driving over and over him in your Mercedes on the parking lot of the hotel where he is banging his mistress, in front of numerous witness and a private investigator videotaping the whole thing … with your daughter in the front seat the entire time, screaming like an electrician who just touched a hot wire …
PLEAD GUILTY!!!
Do NOT hire an expensive attorney, plead innocent and expect to get off … Clara Harris!
You will lose your freedom and your money.
And people like me will say, “I told you so, ya dummy!”
Clara Harris, for those who have not been following this soap opera, was in court again this week. And she lost again. (Are we picking up a pattern here?)
This time, Clara was suing her attorney for taking too much of her money. He said he didn’t take enough.
Guess what? The jury sided with the attorney.
Now Clara has to pay George Parnham another $70,250 for expenses from her murder trial … plus … get this … brace yourself … you might want to sit down … another $400,000 for his legal expenses for this trial!
Can it get any worse for poor Clara?
I would say no, not unless they cancel movie night at the women’s prison or tell the inmates they have to drink instant coffee instead of fresh-brewed.
Clara is probably down in the dumps, seeing as she is serving a 20-year sentence and has had to turn over all or most of her considerable assets to the very attorney who couldn’t keep her out of prison.
I feel sorry for her, I guess, in a vague way.
But she was an educated woman (a dentist) and she should have had enough sense to say five magic words that would have earned her a short stint behind bars and saved her a ton of money:
“I plead guilty, your honor.”
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Life without parole*
If you’d like to know why some people — like me — favor the death penalty for some murders, consider the case of Arnold King in Massachusetts.
In 1971, this 18-year-old punk killed a promising young man, John Labanara. Labanara, 26, was an aide to the mayor of Boston at the time, Kevin White.
Labanara had just passed the bar exam. He was coming home after celebrating this terrific achievement with his friends.
What should have been one of his family’s happiest days became one of its worst. King, drunk and stoned, killed him with a shot to the head while trying to rob him.
At least King was caught and convicted. And here comes the tricky part. He was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Without parole.
Now, 36 years later, he is applying for parole. Excuse me, they’re calling it “commutation.”
His request has been unanimously supported by the Massachusetts Parole Board. (Not the Massachusetts Commutation Board.)
You could argue that King has paid his debt. He’s earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees, published articles, advised other inmates and counseled kids about the kind of mistakes he made. (Detractors also point out that he has had more than 50 disciplinary reports while in prison.)
36 years behind bars is a long time.
But King was sentenced to life without parole. Not life with parole (excuse me again, “commutation” after 36 years).
Maybe the state shouldn’t have given that sentence to an 18-year-old kid. Maybe he has served far more time than most other murderers in most other states.
But if states like Massachusetts are going to find loopholes in “life without parole” sentences, they should junk the category entirely.
If a victim’s family hears the words “life without parole,” it should mean just that.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Hey, here comes a big one!
If the diver in your family is looking for the ultimate shark experience, you should refer him or her to Scuba Adventures of Riviera Beach, Fla.
This isn’t some lame, wannabe outfit. They boast on their Web site that they “specialize in big animal encounters. … Get face-to-face with giant sea turtles, swim with wild dolphins and dive with sharks. … No one can get you closer, or get you the best photographic opportunities.”
And they mean it too. Sometimes, however, closer isn’t better.
Markus Groh, an Austrian tourist on one of their dives, died Monday.
Cause of death: shark bite.
Reason for cause of death: Waters baited with bloody fish parts — that’s chum, for you landlubbers — to attract sharks.
I think it worked too well.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Clara's car crime
Clara Harris is back in court. That’s interesting, and ironic.
Clara, of course, was the wealthy dentist who drove over her husband — repeatedly — in her Mercedes in the parking lot of a Houston hotel in 2002.
Why would a gal do such a thing, you may ask? Well, that was because she found out he’d been seeing someone else, and I’m not just talkin’ lookin’.
Needless to say, after being used as a speed bump by his better half, Mr. Harris wouldn’t be “seeing someone” anymore — or doing much of anything except lying in his coffin.
Oh, and did I mention that their daughter was in the car the whole time, screaming like a banshee while Mom and Dad had their little tiff?
Even for Texas, that was quite a crime.
Anyhow, Clara is suing her attorney in that case, saying he overcharged her. She says she had agreed to pay George Parnham 75 grand but ended up forking over $235,000.
Parnham disagrees. In fact, he says she still owes him money.
Whatever; let ’em fight it out.
But the biggest mistake Clara and her attorney ever made was not pleading guilty from the get-go. She could have done a few years and then gotten on with her life.
Instead, she foolishly tried to fight the charge and got 20 years.
Maybe they were hoping for a sympathetic jury. Maybe they were thinking she’d get only a few years anyway.
Bad thinking. She was guilty as hell. The thing was on videotape, no less. She should have ’fessed up and faced the music.
Apparently, despite all her wealth and all her education, Clara never heard Kenny Rogers wail, “You gotta know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em.”
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Death and old age
Jack Smith is one step closer to the death chamber in a Texas prison. Trouble is, he might need a walker to reach it.
You see, Smith is 70. He’s been on Death Row for nearly 30 years. He’s the oldest condemned man in the state. (That’s something to tell the grandkids, I guess.)
Smith recently lost another appeal before the U.S. Supreme Court. I’m not sure anyone knows how many of those he has gone through.
This one, however, is supposed to be his last “last chance.” If the Supreme Court doesn’t rule that lethal injection is cruel and unusual punishment — and it shouldn’t — executions would resume in Texas and other states.
I’m all for snuffing convicted killers. In Smith’s case, that should have happened decades ago.
It didn’t, however. Now Texas would look like a big meanie if it executed a 70-year-old man — who has cancer, by the way.
I’d punt this one. Let Jack Smith die in prison and face his maker. He will be judged for his crime then.
It shouldn’t be too much longer.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Taylor's troubles
A few years ago, you would have guessed he'd end up in the NFL.
Glory, money, the whole bit. After all, he was a running back, and a good one. Scored 15 TDs for the University of Texas in the big year — ’05.
Instead Ramonce Taylor has gone from the national championship Longhorns to lockup.
He got five months last week. He’s lucky it wasn’t longer.
The year after winning the national title, Taylor got himself kicked off the team. This rocket scientist was caught with four pounds of pot in his car.
Since them, he’s failed two drug tests, been found with a small amount of pot yet again, cited for another charge of criminal trespassing, failed to meet with his probation officer and was caught inside a nightclub (a no-no because he was on probation).
You wonder how someone could throw it all away like that, but I guess it happens.
Taylor still hopes to make it in the pros. Had a tryout with the Kansas City Chiefs. Says they were considering him for special teams. Says he’s found the Lord and will get straight.
I hope so, but I’d say the odds are slim.
He was so close to a pretty amazing life, and now he is so far.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Get on the bus
When you’re on a bus trip, you want a driver who’s conscientious. You want someone who knows the rules he’s supposed to abide by -- and follows them.
Then again, there’s such a thing as taking the rules too far.
Take the unidentified man who was driving a charter bus for Greyhound on Thursday near Corsicana. He was headed for Dallas, 60 miles away.
But his allotted time for driving was up. So he pulled into the parking lot of a convenience store and told his passengers that another driver would replace him. With that, he up and left.
His poor passengers, felt, well, abandoned. And these weren’t just ordinary passengers.
They were 40 men WHO HAD JUST BEEN PAROLED OR RELEASED FROM THE STATE PEN. Some wore ankle bracelets, and I’m not talking jewelry.
Fortunately, these weren’t your average run-of-the-mill prisoners. They were the just- released-or-paroled kind. So they played nice.
At first, they just milled around the bus … until the store clerk called police and said something to the effect of, “Uh, I got a problem here.”
Cops arrived and watched the prisoners while dispatchers and Greyhound folks tried to get another driver. And one finally showed up three hours later.
No word yet on what happened to the first bus driver who bailed out. He needs some kind of punishment, and not just being disqualified for Driver of the Month.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Valentine's Day massacre
Does India have an equivalent to the Christmas Grinch for Valentine’s Day? Apparently so.
Some Hindu hard-liners in India think that Western concepts like Valentine’s Day undermine the country’s traditions and values. And these hard-liners are playing hardball with our happy holiday.
They burned Valentine’s Day cards in New Delhi and chanted, “Down with Valentine.” (Not very original.) In the nearby city of Lucknow (which sounds like an unusual name for a town in India — or any country, for that matter) they threatened to beat up couples showing Valentine-ish affection. (Sort of like replacing Cupid’s arrow with a billy club.)
Wow; these folks do not seem like a fun bunch. How would you like to be married to one? They make our fundamentalists seem tame.
Fortunately, some brave Indians are plunging ahead and celebrating the Big Day anyway.
The Associated Press quoted one young college student as saying, “What right do these people have to set the do’s and don’ts for young lovers on Valentine’s Day? We have planned a massive party and will go ahead with it.”
Go for it, dude! If the hardliners come after you, tell them that a family on the next block is having a birthday party … or some young hellions down the street are dancing.
That should distract them long enough for you to bring out the heart-shaped boxes of chocolate.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Bushwhacked
Guys, when you are planning to give a ring to that certain someone to begin a wonderful life of watching sunsets, raising children and fighting over the TV remote, remember a key point:
Don’t spend more for the ring than you would for a house.
A multi-millionaire once engaged to marry the former sister-in-law of President Bush made that mistake. Now the gentleman — make that the elderly gentleman, Gerald Tsai Jr., 78 — is out a big chunk of change.
Tsai is suing Sharon Bush, 55, for the return of the engagement ring. He bought the 11-carat yellow diamond from Saks Fifth Avenue for $243,000 and now says it’s worth $434,000.
Whatever the real value, that is one pricey rock.
Sharon Bush, for those of you who are weak on Bush family genealogy, was once married to Neil Bush, who is the brother of George Bush, the current president who is the son of George Bush, a former president. Got that?
Tsai was born in Shanghai, China, and began his investment career at Bache & Co. Over the years, he bought, sold and ran several companies and become quite wealthy.
Yet if he’s so smart, how did he end up giving a six-figure engagement ring to a woman who would not become his wife. ... And how can a 78-year-old man be named “Jr.”?
The Bush family doesn’t need any more scandals. They should let him spend a few weeks at Kennebunkport each summer and call it even.
Bushwhacked
Guys, when you are planning to give a ring to that certain someone to begin a wonderful life of watching sunsets, raising children and fighting over the TV remote, remember a key point:
Don’t spend more for the ring than you would for a house.
A multi-millionaire once engaged to marry the former sister-in-law of President Bush made that mistake. Now the gentleman — make that the elderly gentleman, Gerald Tsai Jr., 78 — is out a big chunk of change.
Tsai is suing Sharon Bush, 55, for the return of the engagement ring. He bought the rectangular yellow diamond from Saks Fifth Avenue for $243,000 and now says it’s worth $434,000. Whatever the real value, that is one pricey rock.
Sharon Bush, for those of you who are weak on Bush family genealogy, was once married to Neil Bush, who is the brother of George Bush, the current president who is the son of George Bush, a former president. Got that?
Tsai was born in Shanghai, China, and began his investment career in 1951 at Bache & Co. Over the years, he has bought, sold and ran several companies and become quite wealthy.
Yet if he’s so smart, how did he end up giving a six-figure engagement ring to a woman who would not become his wife. And how can a 78-year-old man be named “Jr.”?
The Bush family doesn’t need any more scandals. They should let him spend a few weeks at Kennebunkport each summer and call it even.
Friday, February 08, 2008
Quiz time
The following statement was made by a prominent person this week. See if you can guess who the quote was about:
“We loved her. We respected her. I worshipped her and I still do. … (There was) nobody stronger, nobody smarter, nobody more compassionate. … When (she) died, part of me died. The best part.”
OK, who do you think this person was talking about:
A) Princess Diana
B) Mother Teresa
C) Eleanor Roosevelt
D) Anna Nicole Smith
The answer, if you can believe, is D) Anna Nicole Smith.
I know, you’re thinking: “Wow! I thought it would be one of those other famous women. I didn’t know Anna Nicole was that brilliant. I thought she was just a bimbo airhead who finally OD’d.”
Well, that’s what I thought too.
But Howard K. Stern, her lawyer/boyfriend felt otherwise. He blabbed those things and more about Anna Nicole at a memorial service Friday in the Bahamas, where the poor girl left this earth for wherever it is people like her go.
It does make you sad. We’ll never know how high Anna Nicole could have soared. She might have won a Nobel Prize. Or discovered a cure for cancer. Or starred in another trampy movie.
Whatever. We’ll let Stern and the other parasites battle over her fortune. Thank God Paris and Britney are still alive (for now) and can carry the torch for a new generation.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Internet yuks
This one has been bouncing around the Internet. If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a laugh. If I see any good ones that poke fun at the other side, I’ll post them later:
Dear Miss Lonely Hearts:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn’t even pretend to like me. He doesn’t even defend my reputation when people suggest there’s something wrong with me.
What should I do?
(signed) Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don’t need him anymore! You’re a U.S. senator from New York running for president of the United States. Act like one!
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
More crime/time problems
Lots of people say, “If you do the crime, do the time.”
I say it, too. I think it even applies to CEOs as well as street punks.
Tom Coughlin, the former No. 2 executive at Wal-Mart, pleaded guilty two years ago to fraud and tax evasion. He’d been stealing gift cards and also using company funds to cover the theft of other items.
Wal-Mart’s loss from his not-so-little scheme was estimated at $500,000.
So how many years did Coughlin catch? Well, none.
A federal judge initially sentenced him to 27 months of home detention, five years of probation, a $50,000 fine and restitution of $400,000.
Prosecutors appealed the sentence as too lenient, such as the part about no prison time. Coughlin could have gotten as many as 28 years inside.
So the same judge looked at the case again, and agreed he’d taken it too easy on the exec.
This time, he added 1,500 hours of community service … but no prison time.
The judge cited Coughlin’s clean record, history of community service and medical problems.
OK, so maybe that means he spends only a few years behind bars. Not “no years.”
The bottom line is that he stole a half-million and will never see the inside of a cell.
Not fair, especially because lots of punks get hard time (and deserve it) for small-dollar crimes.
After his second wrist-slap, Coughlin said, “Judge, I just want to thank you for your fairness.”
He was probably thinking, “Holy cow! I can’t believe this clown bought my sob story!”
Monday, February 04, 2008
A Giant upset
I have never been happier to be wrong about a Super Bowl prediction.
I said the Pats would prevail 33-24, but of course that was way too many points for this bowl.
Actually, I also said the Giants would cover the 13/14-point spread, so maybe I was right and wrong. Perhaps, but that is too much thinking for a post-Super Bowl Monday.
I also noted that my heart was with Eli Manning even though my head was screaming Tom Brady, so I was delighted to see the Giants win. Finally, poor Eli isn’t “the other Manning.”
The Giants are the only New York team I can root for. In all other sports, especially baseball, I desperately want the gang from Gotham to lose.
Bill Belichick didn’t take the defeat well. In a brief, post-game interview, he was grumpy, close-mouthed and prickly. … OK, he’s like that all the time, so I guess that didn’t mean much.
One final thought: Don Shula and the rest of the ’72 Dolphins will go to their graves with smiles on their faces. If their perfect season couldn’t be matched this year, it is probably not gonna happen.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Superpatriots
My heart is with Eli Manning. But my head is with Tom Brady. The Patriots will prevail on Sunday.
It would be wonderful to see Eli win the big bowl this year after brother Peyton did it last year. Especially because Eli is always compared to Peyton as the Manning who can’t quite man up.
Against any other team, the Giants might have a chance. But the Pats are too disciplined and too good this year.
Their coach is grumpy and weird, but he is also the best brain in football right now. Their quarterback is much better than his glamour-boy image would suggest. The Pats don’t make mistakes to help you, and they make big plays to hurt you.
The Giants would need to have everything break their way for a win. Everything never breaks one way.
The one solace for Giants’ fans is that they will cover the spread. Go ahead and take the points and at least win a few bucks when they lose.
The final score will be 33-24. You read it here first.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
A new crime wave?
In my last post, I noted the extreme oddness and stupidity of a Missouri woman who was sentenced to four years in prison for faking the birth of sextuplets to get money from sympathetic folks.
It was the first time I had heard of this odd and stupid crime.
Then later that day, I’m reading our own Bayou, the greatest blog in the history of bloggery, and I find … the same scam in a different place!
That’s right, folks. This time, a couple in South Carolina, Nancy Cantu and Juan Solis, claimed they were having quintuplets to get money from sympathetic folks.
What the heck is going on here? Do we have an epidemic of fake multiple births to get money from sympathetic folks? Should state legislatures start passing special laws to prevent fake multiple births to get money from sympathetic folks?
You’re probably as concerned as I am about this new crime wave. But after thinking about this a while, I believe we are safe.
You see, the criminals who think they have found the ticket to instant riches have overlooked one major problem in the ol’ fake-multiple-births-to-get-money-from-sympathetic-folks scam.
That problem, of course, is that YOU CAN’T FAKE MULTIPLE BIRTHS to get money from sympathetic folks.
Look, you could borrow a kid or two from Aunt Bertha or Cousin Zeb for a photo op or a fund-raiser or an appearance at City Hall.
BUT THEY WON’T LOOK ALIKE AND THERE WON’T BE FIVE OR SIX OF THEM!
In other words, potentially sympathetic folks will eventually catch on that THERE IS NO MULTIPLE BIRTH TO BE SYMPATHETIC TOWARD.
Good grief; what part of “multiple” don’t these crooks understand?
Criminals of America, please don’t try this at home. Please go back to something like the pigeon-drop scam or the fake-night-deposit-box scam and let the rest of us live in peace.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A familiar trick
A woman in Independence, Mo., Sarah Everson, was sentenced to four years in prison for violating her probation for an earlier charge of felony theft.
And how did she violate her probation? According the Associated Press, she “faked the birth of sextuplets to tap the generosity of neighbors.”
Um, how do you fake the birth of sextuplets?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Good riddance
You’ve got to be pretty cold-blooded to be happy with anyone’s death. And I rarely am.
O.K. I’ll make an exception with Osama bin Laden and Fidel Castro. And let’s not forget the psychopathic dictator of North Korea, Kim Jong Il.
Beyond that, it’s more appropriate to be sort of quietly relieved when a dirtbag checks out.
For example, take Cedric Wills, 18, who was killed in a drive-by shooting last year in Houston.
At first cops thought Wills was killed by rival gang members in one of your traditional shootouts.
Now they think he was accidentally killed by fellow gang member Craig Vincent. It seems that Wills moved in front of Vincent’s gun when the two were hanging out the window of a car in a drive-by shooting.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
Or take Jesus Flores, 25, who is no longer with us. Jesus went to Jesus about 4 o’clock Tuesday morning at the Polunsky Unit, otherwise known as Death Row, right here in Southeast Texas, in Liberty.
Flores cut his throat. He tried to write something on the wall of his cell with his own blood but guards said it was illegible.
Why was he on Death Row? Because he admitted to and was convicted of killing a Harris County sheriff’s deputy in 2001, Joseph Dennis.
I suppose Flores’ family is sad that he is gone. I sure won’t lose any sleep over it.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Dumb and disorderly
There ought to be a law against stupid criminals.
I mean it. If you commit a crime in a really boneheaded way, you should get extra punishment.
Take Channel Gaskin, a 22-year-old woman who was arrested for robbing a bank this week in Sandy Springs, Ga.
Cops were able to grab Gaskin because she forgot a crucial element of a bank-robbery scheme — the getaway car.
That’s right, folks. Police spotted her … while she was waiting for a bus after the heist.
"That just wasn’t too bright," said Sandy Springs police Lt. Steve Rose.
Indeed it was not, Steve-O. Nor was the bank robbery attempted by a 72-year-old man in Lynchburg, Va.
Police say Duval Davis Sr. entered a bank on Nov. 29 with a gun and told the branch manager, “Give me all your money.” (I think they teach that line in Bank Robbery School.)
The bank guy did just that. Then Davis had second thoughts. He gave the money back and told the employee to call the police.
I’m no expert, but it seems that Davis needs to work on closing the sale. If you’re going to go around giving back money, you’ll never go far in bank robbing.
Sheeesh. Someone should lock up clowns like that and forget to let them out.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Yankeenomics
I know it’s January and you are not thinking about baseball.
Still, I would encourage you to get a head start on your Yankee hating for the ’08 season.
Why? Well, first of all, you shouldn’t need a new reason. The dozens of old ones are good enough.
But if you’re wavering, try this: The Yankees’ payroll last year (tops, naturally) was a whopping $218 million.
That’s a tad under $63 million ahead of the next biggest spender, the Boston Red Sox, who paid out $155 million. More effectively, I might add, since they won the World Series.
The Yanks did try to hold their payroll under $200 million last year, but that late signing of Roger Clemens pushed them over the top. (No word on whether the Rocket’s pharmaceutical bill figured into that.)
The NFL and NBA have tried to equalize team spending (in different ways) to give each team at least a chance of winning the Big Enchilada.
The player’s union has prevented Major League Baseball from doing something similar. And, to be fair, stupid owners keep shelling out ever-bigger bucks to marginal players.
But something is terribly wrong in a sport where the payroll gap between the No. 1 team (the Bronx Bombers) and the No. 3 team (the L.A. Dodgers, hardly a small-market squad) is an astounding $92 million.
What could be sillier? Try the two teams at the bottom of the totem pole:
-- Florida Marlins, $33.1 million. It’s hard to imagine they actually won a World Series a few years ago. In the off-season, they shipped their last two good players — Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera — to the Tigers.
-- Tampa Bay Rays, $31.8 million. They changed their name from the Devil Rays to the Rays because of all those negative vibes with the D-word. They should have played a little with the letter “A” and changed their name to the Last-Place Rays.
The thirtysomething million spent by each of those two teams is what the Yankees toss away for a single player. I’d love to see the Rays win the AL East over the Yankees, but that’s about as likely as Barry Bonds admitting he hit all those moonshots with a little help from his friends.
Oh, well. Hang in there, baseball fans. The first day of spring training is Feb. 14.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Triple play
Not good, you are thinking. The woman, Beth Modica, had better hope this is all a silly misunderstanding — or she needs a reeeaally good lawyer.
What could make things worth for poor Bethy? Well, how about:
A) She is a former PTA president. (Yikes.)
B) She is a lawyer herself and a former prosecutor. (Double yikes.)
C) She is the wife of the police chief in nearby Spring Valley, N.Y. (Triple yikes.)
Isn’t that called hitting the trifecta?
**************
A legislator in Maryland, Page Elmore, R-Somerset, wants the Old Line State to declare the 10-layer Smith Island cake its official state dessert.
Whatever. My nominee would have been a Snickers bar and Diet Coke.
***************
The world’s largest saltwater swimming pool opened last month in Chile. It is more than 1,000 yards long, covers 20 acres and holds 66 million gallons of water. It is at the fancy San Alfonso del Mar resort on Chile’s southern coast.
It is also waaay bigger than the world’s second-largest pool, which is in Morocco and is just 150 yards long and 100 yards wide. That’s a surprise; you would think the world’s second-largest pool would be a little closer in size to the world’s first-largest pool.
Anyway:
1) Wouldn’t it have been easier to fence off a chunk of the Pacific Ocean at the resort’s beach and call it “our pool”?
2) Isn’t the Gulf of Mexico the world’s largest saltwater swimming pool?
Friday, January 18, 2008
3 pointers for zoo visits
“Clearly there’s the lesson to be learned here,” said Sam Singer, spokesman for the San Francisco Zoo, where a tiger named Tatiana killed a man on Christmas Day and mauled his two friends.
“The lesson is that it’s not a good idea to drink, it’s not a good idea to be high on dope, and it’s not a good idea to taunt a man-eating tiger.”
Well put, Sam.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Britney Quiz
To heck with the presidential race, world peace and stuff like that. Let’s talk about something really important — Britney Spears.
As part of a research project by a major think tank, people like you are being asked to take the following Britney Quiz. It will take only a few seconds, so please give it a whirl:
1) When you hear about the latest antics of Britney, you think she is:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
2) You used to admire Britney in a vague sort of way, but now you think she is:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
3) Compared to flakes like Amy Winehouse, Robert Downey Jr. and Sean Penn, Britney is:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
4) The bizarre behavior that caused Britney to lose custody of her kids suggests she is:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
5) When Britney hits the booze and pills, she acts:
A) Loony
B) Wacky
C) Crazy
Thank you for your cooperation. This blog will be updated when Britney goes into rehab again.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
'Boys bounced!
When I think of guys like Wade Phillips and Tony Romo, I’m sorry the Cowboys got bounced from the playoffs.
When I think of guys like Jerry Jones and Terrell Owens, I’m not.
The Cowboys are schizophrenic like that. Fans either love ’em or hate ’em — or love parts of ’em or hate parts of ’em. Think Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith (yes!) … vs. Barry Switzer and Hollywood Henderson (yecchh!).
Phillips is a classy guy — and a PN-G ex — who looked like he might finally get that elusive playoff win as a head coach. Hang in there, Wade; your time will come.
If you can’t get excited watching a brash guy like Tony Romo play the game with boyish enthusiasm, you might want to check your pulse. Maybe Jessica can, uh, soothe him in the off-season.
His counterpart Sunday — Eli Manning — looks upset even when he’s doing well. Maybe he could do some antacid commercials to catch up with brother Peyton on that score.
As for Jones and Owens, you almost hate to see them succeed. They’re so arrogant they take the joy out of winning. If someone is going to taste the bitter ashes of defeat, I can’t think of a more deserving pair.
Still, the ’Boys had a good year — their best since someone named Clinton was president.
Maybe next year, they’ll have another good season … and another person named Clinton will be getting ready to be president. I’m hoping for one ... but not the other.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Seattle slacker
This is one of those “only in America” stories. Or maybe an “only in baseball” story.
Seems the Seattle Mariners have signed a journeyman infielder by the name of Miguel Cairo to a one-year contract — for the tidy sum of $850,000.
Nothing unusual there. Teams do things like that all the time.
What is unusual is the main reason the Mariners signed Cairo.
You see, they already have a second baseman by the name of Jose Lopez. And Lopez is, or was, pretty good, since they gave him a $6 million contract, which is hefty even by baseball’s inflated standards.
But poor Mr. Lopez … well, he just can’t seem to get motivated. He played so indifferently last year that he was benched for a while.
The young star lacks “focus,” and Cairo was signed specifically to inspire/scare Lopez into trying harder. In fact, this is the third consecutive year that Seattle has signed an old veteran like Cairo to light a fire under Lopez’s can.
"We need improved offense at second base,” said Seattle GM Bill Bavasi in November. “Whether we get someone else or take Jose and make him better, we have to get better there. … (Lopez) is a young kid finding his way still. From my point of view, it is more a focus issue than anything else."
Gee whiz, doesn’t your heart just break for the delicate Mr. Lopez? I mean, he’s pulling down $6 mil for a fantasy job that most of us dream about … and he just can’t seem to get cranked up.
I can imagine him, like a spoiled actor, asking his crusty manager before every game, “What’s my motivation?”
Personally, I think the Mariners are taking the wrong approach. Instead of signing Cairo at $850,000, they ought to sign me for half that.
I could motivate Lopez, and it wouldn’t be hard. In fact, I’ve already thought of three helpful things I’d tell the petulant star when his enthusiasm waned:
1) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”
2) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”
3) “Hey, Lopez! Show some hustle, you jerk! You’re making $6 mil!”
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
8 more for '08
Back from vacation; ready to rumble.
Eight days after my last post, on this eighth day of ’08, here are eight things I do NOT want to see in 2008:
8) A sequel to “Knocked Up” starring Jamie Lynn Spears.
7) A report that chocolate causes cancer.
6) A doping scandal at the Beijing Olympics.
5) Another report of an animal getting out of its cage at a zoo.
4) Roger Clemens coming out of retirement — again.
3) Another assassination of a moderate leader in a place filled with crazies and haters.
2) A president-elect who loses the popular vote but wins in the Electoral College.
1) A recession.
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