Evicted from a pet cemetery?

Further proof that the recession is not over yet:

Critters are being evicted from pet cemeteries!

Yikes! I didn’t even know that was possible.

I’ve heard of being evicted from a hotel or restaurant (and even been tossed a time or two myself, but that’s another blog). But who ever heard of being kicked out of a graveyard?

I thought that once you were buried, either man or beast, you, uh, pretty well stayed six feet under.

Not so at a pet cemetery in Hartsdale, N.Y.

If you lapse on perpetual care – which runs a cool $1,700 per year – your pet is yanked out of the ground faster than you can say “late fee.”

This, I believe, is unfair.

What kind of “perpetual care” do you give a buried pet?

I’m pretty sure the only maintenance of the grave is running a lawn mower over it once a week.

And isn’t that understood to be the cemetery’s responsibility?

Have you ever heard a funeral director say, “Thanks for doing business with us – and the zoysia over Uncle Frank grows quickly after rain, so get on it pronto.”

Jeez, they could at least call it a “grass-cutting fee.” But I guess “perpetual care” sounds spiffier, and you can persuade someone to shell out $1,700 for that.

I think we’ve all learned a lesson here.

Always read the fine print.

And if you have to inter Fido, discreetly ask the head honcho if they have a discount for slightly used graves.

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Illegal immigration is now really illegal

Now this is ironic, sort of:

Illegal immigrants are leaving Arizona … because of the uproar over a new law that says they need to to skedaddle if they are in the states illegally. Even though it was already supposed to be illegal to be in this country illegally.

"Nobody wants to pick us up," said one frustrated Mexican day laborer in Arizona. So he and his friends are planning another border crossing. Only this time they’re headed south over the Rio Grande.

Uh, isn’t that the purpose of the new (and redundant) law?

This could start a strange trend.

Bank robbers could stop robbing banks because of a new law that says stickups are not nice.

Kidnappers could stop kidnapping because of – you guessed it – a new law frowning on this familiar practice.

Burglars could take up new careers because of a crackdown on burglary.

In other words, if we pass enough new laws that basically restate what old laws already said, everything will be spiffy.

I dunno. It seems too simple.

Then again, it’s working in Arizona – and the new law hasn’t even taken effect!

But since it is so controversial, what if it’s repealed, and being an illegal immigrant is just illegal again in the old sense?

That didn’t seem to work, so we’d be right back where we started.

I guess we’ll just have to trust the politicians to figure this one out.

Heck, they’ve done a great job with everything else, so this should be a snap.

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Whoa, Ohio!

Just what the heck is wrong with Ohio?

Lately, a lot.

You might think that the Buckeye State if full of solid, hard-working (and frankly boring) Midwesterners.

Think again.

Exhibit A would be the recent outbreak of fleas that shut down the Fairfield County Department of Health.

You read that right: A health department closed because of vermin.

What’s next, a restaurant cook dying of starvation?

And who gave the order to lock the doors? The same health department? Isn’t that like a cop giving himself a ticket for speeding?

All I know is that if I ever got a citation from this department, I’d say, “Hey, WTF, you guys can’t even keep bugs out of your own office!”

(Which would probably cause a second citation for something like a trash can in the wrong place, so on second thought don’t do that.)

As if that weren’t enough embarrassment for one state, next we learn that a guy was refused entry into the Ohio statehouse ’cause he wasn’t wearing shoes.

Which seems OK – the refusal, not the bare feet – but it turns out there is no law banning shoelss people from entering the statehouse.

So now state officials are trying to prohibit that practice after all. Talk about closing the barn door after the horse gets out.

Strange, but not as strange as the barefoot guy. He’s say he rarely wears shoes, even in winter, because it’s “a healthy lifestyle that makes him feel closer to places he visits.”

Riiigghht. Make sure never to invite this guy to a get-together at your place.

Ohioans should go ahead and ban barefoot visitors to the Statehouse.

People like that are weird – and they might have fleas.

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Put down the french fries and slowly back away

So how do we turn our fat, lazy kids into lean, mean achievin’ machines?

A county in California may ban toys with junk food – you know, the trinkets given out with Happy Meals and other dietary disasters.

The ban would apply to any kid’s meal over 485 calories or loaded up with salt or sugar. In other words, most of the menu on every fast food chain in America.

In theory, the ban would motivate fast food joints to offer healthier stuff. (“Mommy, can I have another order of alfalfa sprouts?”)

I’m guessing the food factories will knock off a few fries or a pinch of salt to get the meal just below the threshold. After all, that’s easier and it increases their profits. Heck, a barrel of lard might last a whole month now instead of just 3 weeks.

The California Restaurant Association is not taking this sitting down, though I would think real restaurants would love to stick it to Mickey D’s.

One ad by the association shows a little girl with her hands cuffed behind her back as she holds a stuffed animal.

Awwww.

I don’t know what the solution is. Nobody likes Nanny State meddling. But we’re raising a generation of pudgy sloths who can only move their thumbs when they send text messages.

Maybe the solution is to charge by the pound – for people, not food. When you go to Dunkin’ Donuts or Taco Bell, the more you weigh the more you pay.

That’s survival of the fittest, not the fattest. Bon appétit!

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News flash: Cigarettes and junk food will kill you!

Here we go again: Another silly research project that tells us things we already knew:

Like how smoking cigs, drinking booze, eating junk food and being a couch potato will make you die early.

Duh!

Who is surprised by this bombshell? Even the people who sell you tequila and Twinkies know they’re killing you in slow-motion. They just want to make a few bucks off you before you croak.

Jeez, the only things that could present a bigger threat to your health would be:

1) Selling barbecued puppies at a PETA convention.

2) Standing up behind the Red Sox dugout at Fenway and leading a cheer for Derek Jeter.

3) Asking the customs agent at the airport in Saudi Arabia, “ … And could you please give me directions to the nearest synagogue?”

Clearly, the only way to avoid checking out early is clean living and hard work.

That means cutting out sugar or booze, forcing yourself to take cold showers every day, doing 50 pushups before bedtime and going on a brisk run each morning, rain or shine or hurricane.

That way, even if you don’t live to be 100, it will seem like it.

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Please, no more John Edwards

Isn't it time for former presidential candidate John Edwards to shut up and go away?

Now we learn that Johnny Boy will testify under oath “about his relationship with mistress Rielle Hunter, facing questions about the infamous sex tape and whether he spent campaign funds to hide the relationship.”

This is too much of a good thing.

There was a time when this sex scandal, like all sex scandals, was more fun than a day at the circus.

After all, you had all the ingredients: A pompous politicians, a jealous wife, a sex tape, an illegitimate child, a beautiful mistress.

(OK, a basically unattractive mistress, but she was still The Other Woman.)

But now, it just seems more tired than titillating.

And after Tiger Woods and Jesse James, Johnny just doesn’t measure up in the Infidelity Index.

Tiger was banging skanks by the platoon. Jesse hooked up with a tramp who had more tattoos than him.

What can the former senator and Democratic darling bring to the table? A furtive affair with a loopy campaign aide?

Sorry, that just doesn’t cut it any more.

Unless they can spice it up a little, I’m officially bailing out of this one.

Besides, one of Tiger’s bimbos is probably going to have another juicy tidbit any day now.

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When justice stinks – literally

Sometimes our judicial system needs to learn to leave well enough alone.

Like the drug suspect running from police who was found hiding in … a pool of liquid manure.

And neck-deep at that … for at least an hour!

This, my friends, is not a problem.

The punk should have been allowed to stay in the stinky lagoon as long as he wanted.

In fact, maybe a while longer than he wanted. It would teach him a lesson that no jail cell could match.

As it is, the news story said he became “combative” when cops tried to arrest him and had to be hit twice with a stun gun.

Yikes. How’d you like to be the officer who had to ’cuff that punk?

Meanwhile, in related news, the great state of New Jersey is shutting down the last two rest-stop bathrooms on non-toll roads.

The guv says the state is broke and can’t afford the $270,000 per year needed to keep ’em open.

Gee whiz, what ever happened to priorities? Doesn’t the gummint know that when you gotta go, you gotta go?

If nothing else, state officials should replace the restrooms with low-maintenance alternatives.

Like an open patch of grass.

It wouldn’t be as private, but think of how much you’d save on water with no flushing needed.

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Big Ben benched

So Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger is gonna get some down time next season – six game on the bench.

Some fans may think this is unfair because Big Ben, as he is so charmingly nicknamed, wasn’t convicted of a crime – or even charged with one.

Still, a 20-year-old woman basically said he raped her in a toilet in a Georgia bar when she was drunk.

That is not the kind of thing you put on your resume. Or mention to Mom at Sunday dinner.

And last year Big Ben was accused of a similar assault by a lady in Las Vegas.

You know what they say: Once is an accident, twice is a pattern.

So Commish Roger Goodell dropped the hammer, saying to Ben:

“ … There is nothing about your conduct in (the incident) that can remotely be described as admirable, responsible or consistent with either the values of the league or the expectations of our fans.”

OK, but “the values of the league” also pretend that players reach 300 pounds of muscle mass without any illegal substances and include violent hits that often produce concussions and hot-dog celebrations for tackles or touchdowns.

Big Ben also has to undergo something called a "comprehensive behavioral evaluation by medical professionals."

I’m pretty sure those experts will find out that Big Ben is a typical millionaire jock who thinks he can get away with anything … because he usually does.

After all, he is fawned over by team officials, worshipped by the media and for some reason viewed as a “role model” by countless kids.

Maybe the commish could do something about those little problems too.

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Darryl's dicey death

The world is a better place today because Darryl Durr was executed yesterday. He was a lowdown killer – and a serial rapist – who doesn’t deserve any sympathy.

But the lawyers for this otherwise forgettable punk deserve credit for coming up with a new excuse to avoid The Needle.

They claimed that ol’ Darryl was – get this – allergic to the anesthetic used in Ohio executions.

So they said that the state couldn’t execute him because that could cause him too much distress … while he was being executed!

Fortunately, logic and justice prevailed – which can’t be taken for granted any more in America’s courtrooms.

State lawyers said that if Darryl did suffer low blood pressure and impaired breathing during the execution, it was no big deal. After all, it would happen when he was on the way to zero blood pressure and no breathing.

Thank God and Greyhound he’s gone.

And if he suffered a bit extra during those final moments, well, that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

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Real men don’t wear “mirdles”

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, along comes news of “male girdles.”

Or “mirdles” as they are called.

Sad but true. An Australian company is marketing the darned things, which is appropriate because this turns traditional ideals of manhood upside down.

They’re pitching it to businessmen who want to look trim without actually exercising or passing on that second piece of pie.

A spokesman even said, "We are focusing mainly on metropolitan and urban areas where people are under the most pressure and stress."

Huh? Don’t pressure and stress cause you to lose weight?

All I know is that if Grandpa had to storm Normandy Beach in a “mirdle,” he probably would have developed severe chafing about halfway up and Germany would be the most powerful nation in Europe.

OK, it is anyway, but you get my point.

Look, dammit, real men don’t wear mirdles.

Either they take up rigorous exercise (golf and fantasy football don’t count) or they bite the bullet and accept that first heart attack at 52.

“Mirdles.” Hmmpphh.

You can wear a “mirdle,” but only if your name is “Myrtle.”

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Ice land, ash air

If you were thinking of jumping on a plane this weekend and flitting off to the French Riviera for some sun ’n’ champagne, you’d better shift to Plan B.

Seems a giant ash cloud from a volcano in Iceland has shut down most air traffic over Europe. And could keep it shut down for a while.

This is serious, folks.

Two-thirds of Europe’s flights have been cancelled. For that matter, also nixed are many European flights to and from the U.S. The economic losses are estimated at $200 million per day.

And it’s no picnic in Iceland either. Heat from the volcano has melted a glacier, causing massive flooding.

Yikes. Mother Nature is getting cranky.

As bad as it is, there’s nothing anyone can do about. No environmental agency can fine the volcano or order it to stop churning out tons of ash.

On top of everything, the name of the darned volcano is unpronounceable:
Eyjafjallajokull.

The only bright side I can see is that ash-cloud cooling has just trumped global warming for a while.

But the cure seems worse than the disease.

What a mess. Whoever thought that tiny Iceland could cause so many problems?

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Next on Larry King: All about divorce!

2010 is shaping up to be a bad year for marriage. The latest blow is the news that famed talk show host Larry King wants a divorce from his wife.

Actually, this shouldn’t be much of a surprise. The Inquisitive One has done this seven times before.

Leapin’ lizards, Larry!

Marriage isn’t like renting an apartment. You don’t bail out when you want a change of scenery.

And sadly – but typically – this celeb divorce is starting to get nasty.

Both sides are accusing the other of cheating.

One report says that Larry’s wife found a credit card statement for a diamond necklace from Cartier’s that apparently went to the Other Woman.

Larry protested his innocence – you know how persuasive he can be – and to “prove” it, he gave his wife the title to three homes.

Leapin’ lizards, Larry!

It’s one thing to feel guilty. It’s another thing to commit economic suicide.

In turn, Larry’s crew says the wife was cheating … with their son’s baseball coach!

Is nothing sacred? (And was the kid at least moved from outfield to infield because of the involvement of the, uh, team mom?)

I think we’ve all learned a lesson here.

Larry may be the king of big-time interviews, but when it comes to holy matrimony, he’s just a pretender to the throne.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t remarry on the rebound.

Someone should tell him that eight is enough.

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U.S. needs tax breaks for mustaches and …

Why the hell not? Why shouldn’t American men who grow mustaches get a tax break?

That’s what the American Mustache Institute is advocating, and I say it’s about damn time.

Almost every other interest group gets a goodie from Uncle Sam.

We need to correct this lingering problem in our society – if the words “fairness” and “equality” carved beneath the Statue of Liberty mean anything. (Uh, they are carved there, aren’t they?)

With a ’stache subsidy, more men would look like Burt Reynolds in “Smokey and the Bandit.” We’d be able to stay outside longer in colder weather. We’d give a real boost to the long-suffering scissors/trimmer industry.

And let’s not stop there. I propose additional tax subsidies for people who:

-- Don’t have “Eat More Beans; America Needs The Gas” bumperstickers.

-- Always leave nice tips, even if the service was so-so.

-- Don’t have T-shirts reading, “I went to (fill in the blank) and all I got was this lousy shirt."

-- Never say, “Jeez, is it hot/cold enough for ya?”

-- Faithfully stop at yellow lights and use their blinkers.

-- Don’t have mullet haircuts.

-- Have signs on their property reading, “No trespassing. Violators – I mean survivors – will be prosecuted.”

The list is endless. You, dear reader, might even have a few more categories of people who deserve a break today from the guv’ment.

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Will the Astros go 0-162?

Of course not. That’s ridiculous. Why would anyone even suggest that?

Oh, that’s right, the 0-7 start.

The fewest runs scored in either league.

Lance Berkman’s bum knee and the realization that he won’t get off the DL soon.

Nagging worries about Roy O and his so-so record last year.

A lineup filled with older players on the downward arcs of their careers.

A tight-fisted owner who is unlikely to stick a crowbar in his wallet for a big-time free agent.

… Still. It can’t last forever.

Hey, the Pirates are in the same division. A good high school squad could beat them.

Eventually, another team is going to have an off night, and everything will click for the ‘Stros. If both things happen in the same game – bingo, you’re looking at a win.

There’s also the slim possibility of a forfeit.

One way or another, the W column is going to get a number in it. I think.

I can say this for sure. There is no way the Astros lose tonight. You can take it to the bank and bet the ranch on it.

Why? ‘Cause they don’t play until Wednesday.

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Fortunately, Phil

So it’s true. The Good Lord does answer prayers – like my plea on Friday not to let Tiger Woods win the Masters.

OK, maybe it wasn’t heavenly intervention. After all, the Man Upstairs has lots of important stuff on His plate.

Still, it was sweet to see good ol’ Phil don the green jacket Sunday while Tiger went off to continue his sex rehab.

Phil is one of the rare nice guys in big-time sports. His wife and mother have cancer. He deserves a break.

Tiger, despite his recent apologies, is more like the typical jock-jerk who seems to win all too often.

And make no mistake about it, if Tiger had won Sunday, the hype would have been massive and sickening.

It would have made some folks forget about his sleazy second life that oozed out Thanksgiving night.

Thank God that has been postponed. Tiger will win another major, of course, and it will come.

But at least we don’t have to watch it in his first tournament back after the multiple mistress merrygoround.

… Now, about those Astros. Maybe I should try another prayer.

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Oh no, not another Tiger triumph!

I said it before and I’ll say it again:

Please, God, make sure that the winner of the Masters golf tournament is not named Tiger Woods.

I am not being vindictive here.

I know that Tiger’s a great golfer – probably the best ever.

Now that he’s out of sex rehab (!) he will resume his relentless march toward Jack Nicklaus’ magic record of 18 majors.

This guy picks up trophies as routinely as we pick up jugs of milk.

But not this one. Not his first one out of the gate. Not the mother of all golf titles!

If he dons the green jacket Sunday afternoon, his false status as a “hero” or “role model” will be back in play.

Despite, of course, a burst of serial cheating and tramp-trawling that Hugh Hefner might have backed away from.

He doesn’t deserve to be worshipped as a jock god again – not ever, and certainly not right away.

It may happen, of course. In fact, it probably will given the twisted way that celebs are judged these days.

For the few people who aren’t so easily fooled, however, it will be a little easier to swallow if his crowning is postponed for a tourney or two.

Let Phil win this one. His wife has cancer, and his career has had more than his share of disappointments.

Phil – and lots of other golfers – deserve a break. You-know-who deserves a few more rounds in purgatory.

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Bike bandit hoax!

Finally, some good news in the world of crime.

Turns out that a bicycling bandit didn’t take down that Dollar General store in Port Neches last month.

The manager of said establishment has been arrested filing a false police report about that bizarre incident to cover up her own theft of the store’s profits.

I, for one, am relieved. I don’t want to live in a place where robbers rides bicycles … and target humble shops like Dollar General!

That is too embarrassing. It’s like we can even produce decent crooks or don’t even have any banks worth robbing.

What’s next, breaking into a thrift shop at night to get first crack at the new load of hand-me-downs?

One thing puzzles me, however: Why would the Dollar General manager say that some dude rode up on a bike, stuck a gun in her face and wheeled away with two bags of cash?

A weird story like that is going to attract a lot of attention. If you’re doing something illegal – like, say, embezzling from your own store – you kind of want to lay low while you’re doing the deed.

I think we’ve all learned a lesson here: When you’re making up excuses, whether for robbing a store or forgetting to do your homework, put a little effort into it.

Take a few minutes and try to come up with a good story.

It’s still wrong, but at least it’s the right kind of wrong.

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Crime, punishment

OK, the justice business is hard. But it’s not that hard.

Why is it that so many sentences are too harsh or too lenient? How hard can it be to split the difference?

Exhibit A (I just love courtroom lingo) would be the Colorado judge who was fired after issuing an arrest warrant for a teenager with an overdue library DVD.

Wow. Put down the gavel and slowly back away.

You’d really have to be a charter member of the lock-’em-up-and-throw-away-the-key club to support something like that.

I’d hate to see what that judge would do to folks who spit on the sidewalk or parked too close to a hydrant.

Wait, let me guess: “Off with their heads!”

At the other end of the scale is the dirtbag who was arrested recently after cutting off his ankle monitor and busting parole.

This shouldn’t have been much of a surprise … because this charming fellow did the same thing in 2008 when he was on parole.

Uh, how many times do you get to cut off your ankle monitor before somebody figures out you don’t deserve parole?

And this creep was sentenced to 50 years for raping two children in 1986, so why was he even given parole in the first place?

I’d have kept him locked up until that sentence was served – in 2036.

If he wanted to cut off something else in his cell as the years went by, well, that would be his business.

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Pink slips/face lifts

Hold the champagne and turn off “Happy Days Are Here Again.”

The recession is not over yet – and the latest trend toward plastic surgery proves it.

According to one source, “hundreds of people in the Chicago area are turning to plastic surgery to keep or land a job.”

And you know what they say: If it’s happening in Chicago, it’s probably happening all over.

(Except, we hope, for the part about city officials walking around with their hands out and dead people voting on election day.)

You don’t have to be an economist to realize that this is serious.

If the jobless need tummy tucks, face lifts or “breast augmentation” to land a new job, it won’t be long before those procedures become another routine part of unemployment benefits.

After all, this is America, where no need goes unmet, even if it just got invented a few hours ago.

If this trend takes hold, it will cause more people without jobs look better than people with jobs, which seems unfair.

And if more people get Botox injections for whatever reason, it will be harder to find anyone able to make any expressions with their frozen faces, leading to all sorts of confusion.

The bottom line is that the economy will get worse, not better, causing more people to get laid off … and call up plastic surgeons the next day.

That would only benefit plastic surgeons, who do OK anyway.

We have to nip this thing in the bud. My proposal: A national “Hire the Homely” campaign.

It won’t be pretty – literally – but at least it will stave off national bankruptcy for a few more years.

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Duke 87, Butler 78

Tonight will be one of those heartwarming, tear-jerking stories that sports fans will talk about for years.

The scrappy underdog Butler is going against the Evil Empire – a.k.a. Duke.

We all know how we want it to end – just like the movie “Hoosiers,” which of course was filmed in the Butler gym.

The skinny, undersized nerds will somehow prevail after all.

They’ll fall behind, of course, because that’s the way these stories are played out.

But a fiery halftime speech by the coach, along with a long-lost dad coming back to sit behind the bench, will save the day.

It will all come down to a last shot – it always does – but that buzzer-beating trey will fall in.

Sure, it will roll around the rim for an agonizing period in which time seems to stand still. But it will drop nonetheless.

Tears of joy will be shed, backs will be slapped, and moms will say “That’s my boy!”

… Unfortunately, that’s what we’d like to see, not what will go down.

What will happen is that Duke will crush Butler like a bug.

Coach K will run his robots in and out with the cool efficiency of a surgeon removing your heart. When he needs points, he sends in a scoring cyborg. When he needs D, he will shuttle in a blocker/intimidator.

The scrappy underdogs will keep plugging away, of course, but they can’t overcome destiny, power and the relentless drive of a Basketball Factory.

If you believe otherwise, you probably think the New York Yankees and Kansas City Royals both have an equal chance of winning the World Series.

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Tiger’s Ten (million!)

So it is true: Silence is golden. Reeaally golden.

As in the 10 million bucks that one of Tiger’s mistresses raked in for keeping her yap shut.

That’s a lot of cabbage for doing nothing. Heck, it’s a lot for doing anything.

Rachel Uchitel sure hit the jackpot. She won’t have to go trolling for Sugar Daddies for, well, for the rest of her life.

Now I know why these gals announced press conferences when the scandal broke.

It seemed an odd way to protest that their privacy had been violated.

Turns out they really wanted to get Tiger’s attention.

In most cases, it worked. One of Tiger’s flunkies would call up the lass in question (Tiger may have even had their numbers on speed-dial) and say, “How much do you want to cancel this little confab and get out of our hair – forever?”

Only it wasn’t fair, because some of the skanks “got several hundred thousand dollars, and others got nothing.”

Hey, whatever happened to equality and fair play and all that?

It’s enough to make some of the scorned working girls go right back out on the party circuit and start trolling for Sugar Daddies.

Unless, of course, they were already occupied in that very line of work.

The real kicker in all this is that Tiger didn’t completely dam the river.

Despite many payoffs to many ladies, some unpleasant details have leaked out.

Like porn star Devon James’ tale about “how she and another female porn star enjoyed a threesome with Tiger while his wife Elin Nordegren was pregnant with their first child.”

Ouch.

Or that during these flings, Tiger was, “Dirty, dirty, he was pretty nasty. He was dirty, bad, bad, bad – in the bedroom.”

Yikes!

If tidbits like that have been served up despite all the frantic check-writing, ol’ Tiger got the shaft.

Somehow, however, I’m finding it hard to work up any sympathy for him.

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Top 10 April Fool’s headlines:

1) “Houston Astros expected to dominate National League this year”

2) “Reality TV shows coming to an end”

3) “Hurricane forecasters admit they flip coins to make predictions”

4) “Obama says deficit must be slashed immediately with major spending cuts”

5) “Glenn Beck says, ‘Deep down inside, I really respect Obama’ ”

6) “Terrell Owens confesses: ‘I was a jerk’ “

7) “Gov. Rick Perry, famous for great hair, wears a wig”

8) “Curling Federation agrees: Our sport is stupid”

9) “Singer Ricky Martin announces he is gay” (OK, that one really did happen.)

10) “Slugger Mark McGwire admits he used steroids!” (Uh, ditto on that one too.)

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