Chimp cruelty!

Those darned Russians are at it again.

They’re being mean to a poor, innocent chimpanzee!

It’s true, animal lovers. Zhora, a chimp in a Russian zoo, has picked up some bad habits, such as smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. (No word if he’s hooked on reality shows too.)

"The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze," the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said. Well, duh!

So now the Russkies want to send Zhora to rehab and make him quit cold turkey! Oh, the humanity!

If you were a chimpanzee (and I’ve long suspected that some of this blog’s readers are) would you rather smoke Marlboros and swill Budweisers or eat rotten fruit and slurp stagnant pond water?

No contest with me.

Gee whiz, why not let Zora live out his remaining years in peace, puffing and boozing away to his heart’s content?

Hey, he’s a chimp in a cage. What else does he have to look forward to?

Besides, if you stick him in rehab, he could end up rooming with Amy Winehouse or Tiger Woods and pick up some really bad habits.

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California schemin'

The California legislature has finally taken care of this persistent myth that folks in the Golden State are trendy loons. I think.

It has declared the first week of March as “Cuss-Free Week.”

If you’re like me you’re thinking, “It’s about time!” (Or maybe, “What are those morons up to now?”)

Hey, it’s worth a try. And this new effort might even raise a few bucks for a state that’s teetering on bankruptcy.

One lawmaker is distributing no-cuss jars to all 120 legislative offices in the Capitol. If a bad word comes out of your mouth, some money comes out of your wallet too.

We shall see if it works out. If it does, it could be followed with:

“No Bad Clothes Month” for April. People who wear high-water pants or socks-and-sandals or try to match checks and stripes would be charged with a Class A misdemeanor.

“Good Hair Month” for May. Clueless types who aren’t familiar with combs or shampoo would have their heads shaved on the spot.

“Stupid Expressions Are Banned Month” for June. Residents would be forbidden from saying things like, “Jeez, is it hot enough for ya?” or “He who smelt it dealt it.” Violators would have to move to Utah.

That’s all the Legislature could come up with before it got distracted by a Republican and a Democrat who got into a fistfight over who was more statesmanlike.

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Jailhouse crock

When it comes to hijinks and practical jokes, you can’t top most jail inmates.

Like the gang in Uniontown, Pa., that has repeatedly clogged up the jail’s toilets with sheets, pants, light bulbs, etc.

What fun-loving pranksters!

Unfortunately, the county commissioners there aren’t laughing. That’s probably because they have to continually pay big bucks to clean out and repair the jail’s old sewer lines.

I imagine that taxpayers in that county aren’t chuckling either.

Maybe the county jail could shift to an alternate form of waste disposal.

As in, the toilets would be removed, and each cell would be issued … a bucket!

I’m sure the inmates would appreciate being on the receiving end of a joke for a change.

And if they didn’t, well, tough s**t.

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You know you're too fat when ...

… When firefighters have to cut out a window and a wall from your second-floor apartment to get you to the hospital.

Incredibly, that’s what happened to 400-pound Houston woman on Sunday.

She fell in her bathroom and broke her leg, but ambulance crews couldn’t get this plus-sized gal out through the doors.

So they had to do some major surgery on her apartment so she could go to the hospital for some major surgery on her.

This should not have happened. The lady in question should have realized she was too fat when she could barely fit through the doorways to her pad, which apparently consisted of a kitchen, a dining room and nothing else.

Tsk-tsk. There are some warning signs you can’t miss if your’re starting to get too big for your britches. Literally. I mean, you really should know you’re too fat when …

When someone asks you if need a forklift instead of a wheelchair to get around.

When the ambulance calls for an 18-wheeler as a replacement.

When the hospital gives you your own semi-private wing.

When they weigh you on a truck scale.

When you’re too big to get to the competition for “Biggest Loser.”

When you have to wear a tent instead of an XXXL dress.

When the health club revokes your membership because you crushed a treadmill.

… That’s all for now. I’m getting hungry.

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Canadian achin'

As the Winter Olympics drag on – I mean continue their exciting run! – everybody seems to be having a dandy time up there in Canada.

Except the Canadians.

Before the games began, the Canadian Olympic Committee made some very unCanadian boasts. They said they were gonna smoke the rest of the world and win the medal count.

They even called the effort “Own the Podium.”

Alas, it has turned out more like “Rent the Loser’s Bench.”

Poor Canada is lagging along in fourth place in the medal count, with nine total.
They’re behind tiny Norway – and tied with smallish South Korea!

They even lost at hockey – their national sport! – to the U.S. team.

Woe, Canada.

Many Canadians felt uneasy with all the pre-games trash talk.

Canadians, for the most part, are low-key, easygoing folks.

I hear they’re even reluctant to brag about how much snow they get each winter, which is a bunch.

Oh well, that’s the way the puck drops. (That’s the Canadian equivalent of, “That’s the way the ball bounces.")

If it will make them feel any better, many Americans are deeply disappointed that our curling team has tasted the bitter ashes of defeat. Once again, there will be no gold medal coming back to the states, or even a silver or bronze.

The curling community is said to be in an uproar, demanding action!

I feel their pain. As soon as I figure out what curling is, I intend to be outraged too.

Until then, let us commiserate with our Canadian neighbors.

Maybe they can comfort in the fact that Tiger Woods, Amy Winehouse and Roman Polanski aren’t Canadian.

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Tiger's tart

If you can stand one more twist to Tiger’s tawdry tale, consider this:

One of the tramps he cheated with wants him … to apologize to her! And on top of everything, she’s a porn star!

It’s true, sports fans.

Joslyn James watched Tiger Woods’ confessional video on Friday – with her attorney at an L.A. radio station.

That last part is important, because skanky Joslyn wants the apology, as the news story put it, “for the unwanted attention the scandal has brought her.”

Huh?

Correct me if I’m wrong, although I think we both know that I rarely am, skanky Joslyn’s affair with Tiger was unknown to the world … until skanky Joslyn called a press conference to announce it!

In other words, she spilled the beans and is blaming Tiger for the mess on the floor.

And how do you insult a porn star?

Still, she wants an apology – and not just a long-distance one.

“I would be open to a telephone apology from Tiger, but I really feel that I deserve to look at him, in person, face to face, in his eyes, because I didn’t deserve this.”

Puh-lease! Skanky Joslyn has just redefined unmitigated gall, which is quite an accomplishment because she sure can’t spell it.

Once again, I think we’ve all learned a lesson here:

If you roll around with a pig, you’re gonna get muddy.

... Tiger’s wife must be cringing. Not only did he sleep around, he chose some tarts that self-respecting drunks would turn down.

Yecchhh.

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Tiger's troubles

It’s amazing how the world’s richest athlete continues to make stupid decisions that will prolong his misery.

Yes, I am talking about none other than Tiger “Share the Love” Woods.

The latest twist in Tiger’s tawdry tale will be Friday morning's carefully controlled press conference about his, er, adventures with women who were not his wife.

Tiger, ever the control freak, thinks he can still call the shots here. That’s as wrong as using an iron on a long drive.

Tiger plans to read a prepared statement to a small group of selected reporters.

That’s it. No questions will be allowed. Only one camera will film the spectacle.

Maybe Tiger thinks we’ll all be satisfied with this spin show and go back to watching the Winter Olympics.

His high-priced consultants should stop telling him what he wants to hear and level with him.

The only way for him to put this mess in the past is to take the plunge. That means going on Oprah or Larry King and taking some hard questions.

The more he tiptoes around it, all he does is give a new lead on an old story.

Sure, a lot of us will watch Friday's follies. But somebody needs to tell Mr. Know It All that it’s like giving a starving man a whiff of a steak dinner.

We want more. One way or another, we’ll get it.

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Shami, we hardly knew ye

Like a candle in the wind, or a fart in a hurricane, the Farouk Shami campaign for governor is fading fast.

Five top staff members resigned Wednesday, citing rampant chaos at the campaign HQ.

I suspect those were the only Shami staffers who knew Shiite from shinola when it comes to Texas politics.

Shami, for those of you who have been locked in your uncle’s closet for the past few months, is a hair-care millionaire seeking the Democratic nomination for governor.

He seems like a nice man, but he has zero political experience and has made one boneheaded statement after another on the campaign trail.

My favorite was when he had to admit he didn’t know who his own state representative and senator were. (“Details! Details!”)

Anyhoo, the truly hilarious thing about the staffers resigning is that it is connected to an e-mail that went out statewide Tuesday, even though it was supposed to go from one staffer to another.

I got the e-mail, and it is reprinted below. It is freaking hilarious:

“Who in the hell is David Diaz? He is not authorized by the campaign to send out any press releases and we keep seeing them out there, apparently "authorized" by Jessica Gutierrez? Isn't she Farouk's public relations rep for his company? Why are these amateurs with aol.com email addresses sending out these awful statements? These are the same people that give him quotes like great one about Mexicans and sunshine. No one with the campaign has authorized these statements and whoever they are, they are sabotaging every bit of legitimacy Farouk has as a candidate.

“We have a communications director, a press secretary, and a policy/strategy team for the campaign. The entire paid staff has worked very hard on strategy for this candidate and have been chopped off at the knees by these incompetents! The staff could probably work with his "unique" statements, but these people that think they are helping him are feeding him their stupidity. Seriously, can we hunt these people down and muzzle them? This is highly unprofessional and must be resolved immediately.”

Oh, well, since the governor thing didn’t work out, Shami should try to bounce back strong.

I suggest a run for president in 2012. We could use the comic relief.

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How to handle a psycho killer

I have never been on the receiving end of a mass shooting. And I hope I never am.

But if I do find myself in that unfortunate situation, I won’t be nicey-nice with the deranged shooter/killer.

Take that incident at the University of Alabama in Huntsville last Friday, when a truly nutty professor opened up on her colleagues in a faculty meeting.

The psycho, Amy Bishop, killed three professors and wounded three others.

It was a highly unusual workplace shooting, in that the deranged shooter/killer was A) a woman, and B) a Harvard-educated neurobiologist.

Most brainiacs, particularly the female kind, aren’t into violence. The worst they might do is toss off a multi-syllabic insult with footnotes available.

Another odd thing about this shooting was the reaction of one victim.

According to the news story, “ … Bishop aimed the gun at (Debra Moriarity, a professor of biochemistry) and attempted to fire. When the gun didn't shoot, Moriarity pushed her way to Bishop, urged her to stop, and then helped force her out the door.”

Thank God Moriarity wasn’t hurt. But I think I’d have done a little more than “urge” the shooter to stop and “force her out the door.”

As in, I would have tried to put her on the ground quickly and violently.

This is a nut case who has just murdered some of your friends and is now gunning for you.

This is not a time to urge or push. It's a time to swing for the fences.

The shooter needs to get unconscious ASAP – and if she never wakes up from that condition, well, there’s one less creep in the world.

... At least the shooter’s attorney can’t trot out the usual claim that she should be spared the death penalty because she’s mentally retarded.

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Climate chaos

So what’s the deal on global warming? A month ago, it was a dire threat to Life As We Know It.

Now, the same scientists who had been shrieking frantically are saying, “Hey, hold on a minute here. My bad. The earth might even be cooling!”

If you’re confused, that’s OK. It’s hard to see how any non-scientist can make sense of this nonsense.

It’s not just a cold winter – although that does seem to undercut the polar-ice-is-melting-now hysteria.

Now some of the guys in white coats are saying that the other guys in white coats are relying on bad data.

Like weather stations that produce false readings because they’re located by heat-generating equipment.

Duh! Even Homer Simpson wouldn’t make that mistake.

OK, maybe he would. But he’s dumb cartoon character.

It shouldn’t happen with brainiacs with multiple degrees who use big words like “irreversible” and “indisputable.”

I still don’t know if were gonna freeze or boil.

But before we turn the nation’s economy upside down and start driving tandem bicycles to work, we might want to find out.

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Valentine Time

It’s official. The most romantic word in the world is … “amour!”

That would be, of course, the French word for love.

Ya gotta hand it to the French. They may not be good at war or world leadership, but they’ve got this love thing nailed. (Not to mention wearing berets and baking long loaves of bread!)

Ironically, the least-romantic way of saying "I love you" went to the Japanese for "watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu."

Yikes. That doesn’t roll off the tongue. It's a wonder any Japanese babies are born.

Again, no surprise. The Japanese make great cars and computers, but people known for spiffy engineering usually suck at personal relationships.

Take Bill Gates, for example. Good thing he’s a jillionaire, or let’s just say he probably wouldn’t be passing along his genes to the next generation.

And just to round out this holiday report, the three least-romantic sentences in the English language are:

“If you get enough food stains on a T-shirt, it looks kinda artsy.”

“Hand me that pair of undershorts marked ‘February’.”

“Uh, I just threw up in your bathroom … and missed the toilet.”

... Happy Valentine’s Day anyway. They say love is blind; sometimes it needs to be.

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Wedding night surprise

When will people learn? Never buy a pig in a poke.

Or marry a woman you’ve never seen. The results could be hairy – literally.

An Arab ambassador, of all people, learned this lesson the hard way.

You see, he courted a woman who always remained hidden behind a veil that covered her face – a niqab, it’s called.

But after their expensive marriage in Dubai -- $137,000 for wedding gifts and expenses -- he found out why she kept the goods tucked away.

It wasn’t modesty. It was manliness.

The poor woman … has a beard! She apparently has some kind of hormonal deficiency. (Duh!)

To make things worse – if they can possibly get worse – she was cross-eyed too!

Not exactly a looker. Sort of what you might call a camel on two legs.

As you might expect, much anguish ensued.

The grossed-out groom demanded an annulment. The blushing bride was heartbroken too. (Heck, maybe Miss Sasquatch had a great figure and thought she made a heckuva catch!)

Anyway, I think we’ve all learned an important lesson here. Actually, two of 'em:

1) Marriage is like diplomacy: Trust but verify.

2) If your fiancée displays persistent curiosity in whether you prefer an electric shaver or straight razor, and whether you shave before your shower or afterward, and whether you prefer old-fashioned shaving cream or modern gel … dump her and go back to Match.com

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How cold was it in D.C.?

How cold was it? Well, I’ll tell ya.

It was so cold in Washington yesterday that …

A senator known for his strong views on the environment told his limo driver, “I don’t care how much gas you use! Warm that damn thing up for 15 minutes before my butt hits the seat or you’ll be busing inmates to the federal prison!”

A federal researcher applied for a grant to study whether the true color of snow is white, off-white or pearl.

A congressman didn’t have any office visits from his constituents the entire day. Which caused him to tell his staff, “I wish we had more blizzards. It keeps those annoying voters out of my hair until I need them.”

The snow piled up so high outside the EPA offices that the head honchos couldn’t get out to attend a meeting on global warming.

A House chairman slipped and fell on the ice and suffered a bad bruise. Actually, it happened in the House bar, and it was ice that spilled from his drink, and he was sloshed. But technically, it still qualifies as a winter accident.

Sen. John McCain got cranky and snapped at anybody who talked to him. (OK, he’s like that most of the time, so scratch that one.)

Nancy Pelosi’s face was frozen solid and she couldn’t move a muscle. … (OK, it’s like that all the time from Botox, so scratch that one too.)

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Air sickness

Memo to frequent fliers: On that next long trip, don’t forget to bring your wool jammies if you’re flying American Airlines.

’Cause if you don’t, they’re gonna charge you eight bucks for a blanket and pillow!

It’s true, weary wayfarers. American will now demand that you fork over $8 dollars “for a pillow and blanket in coach class for domestic trips and some international flights longer than two hours, beginning May 1. The international flights are to and from Canada, Mexico, Hawaii, the Caribbean and Central America.”

Good grief; what’s next? Special fees for barf bags? Additional charges for that second trip to the rest room! A credit-card swipe before you can tilt your seat back to the recline position?

I’m tellin’ ya, the romance of flying is long gone.

First they took away the free meals. Then they gave you small foil bags of peanuts that could not be opened. Then they started charging you for checked-in luggage. Then you had to take off your shoes for a stupid security check. Then they subjected you to pre-boarding body scans that show more than early centerfolds.

And now you have to pay for pillows!

Pretty soon, they’ll be cramming us in like livestock in a trailer. And straw on the floor will cost extra.

Travelers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your change!

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Shake it, Peyton

So is Peyton Manning a bad sport for refusing to shake Drew Brees’ hand after the Super Bowl?

You betcha, and his tacky behavior tarnishes his carefully crafted image as The Greatest Quarterback Playing the Game Today.

Qualifier: If Manning couldn’t find Brees when the playing field turned into a scene resembling the French Quarter at midnight, he gets a pass. (Pun intended.)

He doesn’t want to (and shouldn’t have to) wade through a bunch of crazies looking for his counterpart. On those occasions, you give it the old college try, look around for the other QB and then head into the locker room.

But Pouting Peyton didn’t even seem to give it the old high school try, much less the college version. He tried to skedaddle faster than a gambler who had given the Saints and points to a bar room full of people.

Sure, it has to suck big time to lose a Super Bowl, especially when you are The Great Peyton Manning and you were expected to win the big game.

But pro football has this marvelous tradition where players meet in midfield after the game and extend a handshake or backslap to the guy who was just trying to take your head off for the past 60 minutes.

Most other sports don’t have this practice, so you can’t make comparisons to them. The fact is football has it – and it’s a classy thing for a violent game.

Petulant Peyton should man up, admit he was wrong and say he won’t do it again.

Drew Brees woulda done the right thing.

Geaux Saints!

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He's with stupid

Some people are just not meant to live long, uneventful lives.

Like the moron in Michigan who strapped a homemade rocket to his backside when he was sledding.

The “rocket,” if you can believe it, was an auto muffler filled with gasoline and gunpowder. I kid you not.

It is hard to imagine someone this stupid being able to get out of bed in the morning, much less handle more complicated tasks like driving a car or going shopping.

Incredibly, he was 62 years old. You’d think someone that dumb would have jumped off a roof or leaped in front of a car long ago.

Predictably, the booby trap exploded when it was ignited, causing second-degree burns to Dr. Einstein.

And you cannot be surprised to learn that the clown was known for doing “outrageous things” at his sledding parties.

The news story about this idiot said no charges were filed against him.
Why the hell should they be?

He is clearly trying to kill himself. As long as he doesn’t drag anybody with him, let ’im go!

Heck, if you try to stop him, he might hang around and pass along his genes to someone else.

That would be even worse than putting up with him.

As soon as he gets out of the hospital, someone should dare him to swallow a box of tacks.

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Art mart

I just can’t make up my mind about this darned recession.

Is it still raging, as proved by Exxon-Mobil’s anemic profits, or does the latest record for an art sale mean happy days are here again?

I refer of course – as if you didn’t know – to the recent purchase of Alberto Giacometti's "Walking Man I" statue for a cool $104.3 million.

That’s a new world record for a piece of art – but again, you knew that.

Personally, I wouldn’t have given a nickel over $99 million for "Walking Man I." I mean, it’s nice and all, but one must have limits.

And for $104.3 mil, couldn’t Sotheby’s have thrown in "Walking Man II" and "Walking Man III," if they exist? You could make a dandy arrangement with the whole gang.

"Walking Man I" can be described (generously) as a statue of a really skinny guy walking. I suppose it’s designed to motivate you to lose weight by going around the block more often.

Then again, you may appreciate it as a poignant commentary on the delicate frailty of inner beauty and the irrevocable decontextualization of modern life.

At any rate, I would be proud if I had just written the check to bring this baby home.
It would be a real conversation starter for barbecues and other get-togethers, and it could also double as a nifty hat rack.

See you at Sotheby’s for the next auction. I might put in a bid for Bruno Frimpel’s “Lump of Crap” if I can spare $50 million.

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Auto anxiety

I’ve been having a nasty run of bad luck with my cars lately.

If this keeps up, my next mode of transportation will need a saddle and bag of oats to get started in the morning.

It all started a few weeks ago when my Toyota Camry suddenly started imitating a Formula One race car.

I was driving on I-10 one day when I tromped the pedal to pass some old junker. To my horror, the gas pedal stuck and I was zooming along at 95 mph for nearly 10 miles! Fortunately, I didn’t get a speeding ticket because most other cars on I-10 were moving just as fast.

I quickly traded in that time-bomb for a spiffy Prius. Hey, they’re good cars and they’re green too. Al Gore would be proud of me!

Everything was fine until I hit the brake pedal one day while approaching a crowded intersection. Nothing happened!

What is worse, a Toyota with a broken accelerator or a Prius with a broken brake system? (Answer: It doesn’t matter.)

Shaken, but not stirred, I unloaded that death-trap for a nice safe Chevy Cobalt. It may not be the fanciest set of wheels out there, but it’s dependable and affordable.

Things were OK for a while until I tried to make a sudden turn one day. No dice. No matter how hard I turned the steering wheel, the wheels under the car didn’t budge.

This was not good! I didn’t even have to ponder that timeless philosophical question: What is worse, a Toyota with a stuck gas pedal, a Prius with a broken brake pedal, or a Cobalt with a broken steering wheel?

I’ve decided that the real problem is that modern cars are too complicated. The more gadgets and doo-dads you put on ‘em, the greater the chance that something will go wrong.

I’m going back to the basics. Anybody know where I can get a used East German Trabant?

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Terminal condition

If you’re still in that dwindling band of Americans pushing for national health care – or at least the president’s version of it – these are tough times.

The latest problem? Well, the premier of the Canadian providence of Newfoundland … is coming to the U.S. for his heart surgery!

That’s right, reformers! Danny Williams is turning his back on Canada’s heavily regulated system for its free-enterprise counterpart south of the border. (Theirs, not ours. Otherwise we’d be talking about Mexico.)

This is going to be tough to explain away – and Danny Boy is not the first resident of the Great White North to look elsewhere for surgery ’n’ stitches. (Hey, that could be the name of a trendy new clinic!)

Bad as this is for the national health care crowd, it comes on the heels of Scott Brown’s shocking takeover of Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat in the People’s Republic of Massachusetts. (Unofficial state motto: We want more government!)

We shall see how it all shakes out. But if I was a doctor and the patient was national health care, I’d gently advise a review of the ol’ life insurance policy.

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Profit problems

Reports of the recession’s end have been greatly exaggerated.

Exhibit A would be the shamefully embarrassing disclosure by Exxon-Mobil for 2009.

You may find this hard to believe, but the oil giant came out ahead by only … $19.3 billion!

I know what you’re thinking. When I saw that lame number, I too thought it had to be a misprint.

Sadly, it’s true.

That is only half of E-M's 2008 profit.

Oh, the humiliation!

Maybe some other nickel-and-dime companies on Wall Street would be satisfied with $19.3 bil, but that’s chump change to Exxon-Mobil. Heck, back in ’08, they cleared $14.8 billion in the third quarter alone!

The company has now seen decreases in each of the last five quarters. This was its lowest annual profit in seven years.

This simply can’t go on!

I don’t know how the CEO can show his face in public.

If he does, he should be immediately fired and replaced by someone who knows how to make some real money.

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