Mind games

If there’s anything better than a good cat fight, it’s a good psychic fight.

And a real barn-burner is going on in normally placid Connecticut.

First one psychic in the Constitution State said she was beaten up by a thug sent by rival psychics. Maybe she was horning in on their territory or getting the best booth at the state fair. Who knows.

At any rate, the alleged victim was Janet Lee, who bills herself as the “foremost psychic in New England.”

That’s juicy enough. But now Lee has been charged with lying about the incident.

Hoo-boy. This raises a reeallly obvious question.

Lee, for example, said she suspected rival psychics in the alleged beat-down because some people were leaving threatening phone messages — and this is a verbatim quote from the news story — “but she did not know their names."

Uh, why not? She’s a psychic, ain’t she? And not just your run-of-the-mill palm-reader/fortune-teller, but the “foremost psychic in New England.” Why can’t she just scrunch up her special brain and spit out their IDs?

Right now you’re probably thinking, “Hell, she can’t do that because she’s no more a ‘psychic’ than I’m an astronaut.”

I'm thinking the same thing. But then, you probably read my mind on that one.

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Four on the floor

A Toyota was involved in a nasty crash recently in which the floor mat may have jammed the accelerator.

That’s bad. What happened next is a major overreaction.

Before we get to that however, it should be noted that a stuck accelerator is every driver’s nightmare.

I believe you are supposed to shift the transmission into neutral or turn off the engine when that happens.

Plan B would be running into something soft, or at least non-hard. A gently sloping pond or a wide expanse of desert comes to mind, but I know they aren’t always around when you need 'em.

Personally, I hope I never have to deal with a car going 90 mph and me and the passengers screaming like the front row of a Jonas Brothers concert. Driving on “the tunnel” on I-10 through Orange was adventurous enough.

Anyway, in this case Toyota is reacting to the problem by recalling the whopping number of 3.8 million vehicles. That is — drum roll, please — the largest auto recall in U.S. history.

Wouldn’t it be simpler for Toyota to mail owners a coupon for free mats, or ask them to drop by the dealer for a switcheroo?

Or, easiest of all, tell drivers to cut about 3 inches off their floor mats.

Whatever. By the way, with all the brilliant engineers at Toyota who have produced one of the finest automobile lines in the modern era, how come nobody noticed the stupid floor mat was too long?

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Deal with it , Stanford

This is one of those tales where you have to read between the lines. The first sentence from the AP story says it all:

“Texas financier R. Allen Stanford has been returned to a lockup after being hospitalized for treatment of a concussion following a jail fight.”

What happened is something reminiscent of Tom Wolfe’s novel “Bonfire of the Vanities.” A rich guy with manicured fingernails goes to jail, where he is brutalized by the street punks who populate most “correctional facilities.”

At one level, you feel sorry for the rich guy. He’s already behind bars, and now he has to deal with thugs and creeps who want to do bad things to him.

On the other hand, it’s kinda hard to feel much sympathy for sharpies like R. Allen Stanford. (And why do so many tycoons have first initials followed by an actual name?)

Stanford is charged with running a mind-boggling Ponzi scheme that sucked in $7 billion. Not million, billion.

Investors in the “Stanford Financial Group” have been reamed. They will see little of their money ever again. Maybe none of it.

Yeah, maybe some of them were greedy and believed the typically ridiculous claims of double-digit returns every year.

But darn it, the story behind the story on scams like this is people losing their life savings or money they planned to retire on. We're talking thousands and thousands of folks like your parents or that nice old couple down the street.

The scum who knowingly bilk decent people of money like that deserve to go behind bars for a long, long time.

And if they get roughed up by low-lifes and goons while they’re there, well, that’s just too bad.

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Man on fire

Faithful readers of this blog will recall my rant on Monday about a bunch of Hungarians who got together to set the world record for “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”

That was mildly eccentric. This other world record is flat-out lunatic.

And that would be, of course, the record for the most people on fire simultaneously.

No, that is not a misprint. On Saturday, 17 people in Ohio will try to carve out a place in history by becoming the largest number of people performing a full body burn simultaneously.

And if you can believe this, the fun-fest was co-organized by the Ohio Burn Unit.

Ouch. This sounds like a reaaallly bad idea, but one news account says reassuringly about the group, “They have all practiced and been set on fire individually over the past 8 months in preparation for this.”

Uh, exactly how to you practice being set on fire? On second thought, I don’t want to know. I would surmise that their favorite movie is, "Up in Smoke."

I wish them luck, I guess. Their prize ought to include a free therapy session at the nearest psychiatric clinic.

… And by the way, this may seem harsh, but wasn’t the world record for the most people on fire simultaneously set in Dresden, Germany, on Feb. 13, 1945?

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Going postal — big time

We are not surprised when we learn from time to time that postal carriers have been stealing mail instead of delivering it.

We have come to expect such behavior because A) some people are crooked and because, well, B) the Postal Service is the Postal Service.

But what can we make of Myles Weathers, a former carrier in Massachusetts? He pleaded guilty this week to stealing more than … 30,000 DVDs he was supposed to deliver!

This has to be some kind of world record. Weathers wasn’t just a thief, he was a conglomerate.

And why did it take Netflix, the company being ripped off, so long to figure out it had a problem? As many as 100 DVDs a week were disappearing into the void.

Jeez, how many times can you watch “Iron Man” or “WALL-E”?

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The mystery behind Cooper’s canning

So the Houston Astros have fired another manager for poor performance. Nothing unusual there; it happens every few years.

What is surprising about the canning of Cecil Cooper, however, is the timing.

The team pulled the plug on Monday, just 13 games before another miserable season staggered to a close. Why not wait until then, like virtually every other team that is going to change managers?

General Manager Ed Wade gave a completely ridiculous non-explanation: “I thought it was going to be awkward to go all the way to the end of the season, come back from New York and make a move. The practicality of it didn’t make sense and now we can put Dave (Clark) in place, we can have a different set of circumstances working here for two weeks.”

Read through that again and see if it “makes sense.” If you don’t want to waste the time, that’s understandable. It doesn’t have any logic, especially that convoluted line about how “the practicality of it didn’t make sense.”

The real reason the Astros fired Cooper on Monday is that after his latest loss, his career record stood at 171-170.

I really think they wanted to make sure he ended his career with a winning record — even by one game. It’s even possible that Coop was consulted on the timing and he agreed it was better to go out with a plus record.

Crazier things have happened in baseball.

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Broken record

Apparently all the important world records have already been set.

We are reduced to competition like “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”

You read that right, Guinness-breath. A bunch of Hungarians got together on Sunday to see if they could collectively make their mark on history by becoming “the highest number of people drawing simultaneously.”

They did, in fact. A total of 5,317 of these losers, I mean world record-holders, gathered together to draw in chalk along the Andrassy Boulevard in Budapest. They smashed the previous record of 3,652 people drawing in one place at one time. (Personally, I knew that record would never last.)

What’s funny, or I mean even funnier than the goofy record itself, is that this mass drawing was held during something called European Mobility Week to — now get this — raise environmental awareness.

First of all, drawing on pavement does not promote mobility. I’m pretty sure you have to sit or squat in one place to do that.

Secondly, how in the name of Gaia does this “raise environmental awareness”? If anything, it sounds kind of eco-unfriendly. The first rain will wash all that chalk into storm sewers and probably kill salamanders or something.

If those darned Europeans want to “raise environmental awareness,” they should do what we do:

Observe something called Earth Day in which we drive our gas-guzzlers to a a pretty park to sip overpriced water from non-biodegradable bottles and walk all over the grass and listen to speakers telling us to reduce our carbon footprint.

At least the sidewalks are free of silly scribblings when it’s over.

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Ahoy, mateys

As if we don’t have enough holidays to deal with, Saturday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

That’s right, you landlubbin’ sapsucker. Bring me a noggin’ o’ rum or I’ll run ya through!

That is pirate lingo. If I knew any more, I’d let you have it. Perhaps it’s a good thing that I don’t.

At least all you have to do on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is talk like a pirate. I don’t think you have to give gifts or send cards. (Rum drinking is encouraged, however.)

But we have to be careful with letting just anyone add another holiday to the chock-full calendar, even one as, uh, interesting as this one.

Even Congress has a committee that decides when to celebrate National Rutabaga Day to make sure it doesn’t conflict with Barn Appreciation Week.

So have a grand fest, and may the devil take your soul if you ever give quarter or ask for it.

I’ll see you on national Walk Like An Egyptian Day.

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He’s with stupid

Meet Doug Jones, the most annoyingly stupid man of the year.

Why? Because for more than a year he threw thousands of golf balls into Joshua Tree National Park in California, supposedly to “honor deceased golfers.”

As if that weren’t bad enough, this rocket scientist “also scattered a few tennis balls and park literature and left fruit and vegetables along park roads,” according to the AP.

The food, in case you are interested, was for "stranded hikers." Uh-huh.

Park rangers spent 370 hours cleaning up his litter/offerings.

No word on the punishment, but I’d think about chaining him to a stake in a reeaally remote part of the park for a few nights.

If it scares the crap out of him and he lives, he probably won’t repeat his stunt.

If a mountain lion or bear has other plans in store for him, well, no great loss.

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Senate smackdown?

Now hold on just a darned minute.

Pro wrestling executive Linda McMahon wants to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Connecticut!

Is she serious? Doesn’t she know that the Senate is “the world’s most exclusive club,” a place where earnest leaders debate important issues with dignity and wisdom?

Pro wresting is filled with fakes and loonies who pull off ridiculous stunts.

The people who run this “sport” think the public actually buys the hokum they are peddling. They often insult the intelligence and character of the very fans they court.

Real leadership is almost nonexistent. And there have been more than a few scandals involving sex and money.

… OK, I guess she would fit in nicely. You go girl.

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Snuggie time!

The calendar says winter hasn’t “officially” arrived yet, but who are you gonna believe, that silly piece of paper or … your Snuggie?

It’s no contest.

The Snuggie, generally described as a blanket with sleeves, is making another run on the fashion front.

It’s about time.

Before Snuggies came along, people were cold in the winter.

If they tried to cover their shivering selves with a blanket, they couldn’t get their hands out from underneath those infernal piles of cloth to eat popcorn or change channels on the remote.

I guy I stood next to in line at Starbucks said there were several confirmed cases of people starving within inches of full bowls of popcorn — or being forced to watch The Weather Channel for hours at a time.

OK, lots of strange people watch The Weather Channel for hours at a time. Maybe you’re one of them. But the Starbucks guy insists the popcorn-bowl story is true.

Personally, I don’t want to take a chance. You can have my Snuggie … when you pry it from my frozen fingers. That is, if it ever gets below 40 degrees in tropical Texas.

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Ooops

Faithful readers will recall my rant last week about the Wendy’s employee who cooperated with a robber in the drive-through lane … even though he only had a knife!

A little employer guidance could have avoided that loss. On the other hand, a New Jersey pharmacy owner went overboard in the robbery-training department.


You see, one day in 2007 when a masked gunman burst into the pharmacy demanding OxyContin, employee Babette Perry was understandably upset. The Robber Person even said he was holding another employee hostage. And when Babette tried to call for help, the phone wouldn’t work!

Sounds like a bad scene, the kind Babette might have nightmares over — if she survived!

Well, guess what: It was just a drill, designed to teach employees how to handle the occasional drug-crazed armed robber. The kind of thing you laugh about at the employee picnic.

Poor Babette didn’t get the joke. Now she’s suing for post-traumatic stress disorder.

… No word if she’s working at Wendy’s in the meantime.

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More bacon, please

So Gertrude Baines has finally left this earth.

That’s something to take note of, because when she died Friday she was the world’s oldest person.

Gertrude Baines was an astounding 115 years old. She was born in 1894, long before the age of automobiles, television, airplanes, etc.

What’s most amazing about this remarkable woman, however, was her diet.

She loved to eat fried chicken, bacon and ice cream.

You read that right. Not granola, yogurt, tofu and other things that are good for you.

When her doctor last visited her earlier in the week, she complained that her bacon was soggy!

All her life, she chowed down on the “wrong” stuff.

Yet she outlived almost every other human being ever born. And her doctor said that up until the end, “She was in excellent shape. She was mentally alert.”

… Anyone for a triple cheeseburger washed down with a creamy shake?

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More nines!

I realize that you are trying to come down off the buzz and the exhilaration from 09/09/09, but it’s difficult.

And stories like this don’t make it any easier.

A baby born in La Crosse, Wis., at 9:09 a.m. on 09/09/09 weighed 9 pounds 9 ounces!

And that day of the week was “Wednesday” — which just happens to have 9 letters in it!

I know; right now you’re saying things like “amazing” or “fantastic!”

… Or -- and I'd lay 9 to 1 odds on this -- possibly, “Who cares?”

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Thank you for robbing us, please come again

This happened last week and it’s been sticking in my craw.

A Wendy’s in Nederland got held up by some clown who pulled a knife … while sitting in his pickup in the drive-through lane!

Good grief! If you are the guy or gal wearing a paper hat and manning the mike at that Wendy’s, there is NO WAY the robber can hurt you in the drive-through lane!!!

To review here: The robber is in a pickup OUTSIDE the building. You are INSIDE the building. You are looking at him through a WINDOW about the size of TV screen.

The robber is not going to stretch out his arms 10 feet and stab you. He is not going to crawl out of his pickup truck’s window and through your tiny store window to get at you.

If you think that somehow he could defy the laws of physics and do either of those things, you could CLOSE THE WINDOW!

In other words, he CANNOT HARM YOU! So why do you GIVE HIM THE CASH anyway!

Aaarrrggghhh! What is this country coming to? How can our nation’s youth compete with the Japanese when they can’t even handle basic fast-food robbery etiquette?

Don’t they teach this stuff at orientation any more, such as right after telling the employee to always say, “Can you repeat that order?”

Please don’t tell me the window worker made Employee of the Month.

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To the Nines

Well, here it is: The Big 09-09-09.

You’ve read and heard a lot about the big day — how could you avoid it? — but here are nine things you may not know about that magical number between 8 and 10:

1) Since Jon & Kate of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” split it up, the eight kids have one parent in the house at a time — for a total of nine people!

2) Speaking of kids, nine is only half of the children brought forth so far by the by the famously fertile Duggars.

3) In German, “nein” (pronounced the same as our “nine”) means “no.”

4) The San Francisco 49ers are sometimes called the Niners, but not the Forty’s.

5) Sept. 9 is the 252nd day of the year, and 2 + 5 + 2 = 9!

6) At 9 o’clock today, nothing special will happen.

7) You don’t remember what you were doing on Sept. 9, 1999.

8) The ninth U.S. president was easily the most inconsequential one. William Henry Harrison caught a bad cold while giving a two-hour (!) inaugural address in freezing rain. He died 31 days later.

9) At the 99 Cent Store, most things will cost 99 cents today.

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Duck, neighbor!

We’ve all tussled with a neighbor from time to time.

We may have let our dog do his business over the property line. We may let the kid bang a ball against his wall. Our guests may have parked in his driveway.

But doggone it, at least we didn’t do what a history buff did in Uniontown, Pa.

He fired a cannonball through his neighbor’s home. A 2-pounder. Seriously.

This is above and beyond the call of neighborly accidents. I think it’s an act of war.

So if you’re thinking of moving into a nice subdivision, first check to see that none of the neighbors collects cannons. Or shoots them.

Or dig a bunker in the back yard and put the local hospital on speed dial.

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Hawaiian tryin’

You gotta hand it to the Honolulu City Council.

At least they tried to ban smelly people from city buses.

The new law was aimed at morons, I mean people, who have “odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system.”

This is entirely fair. But the ACLU — who else? — raised a stink, so the plan was canned.

Good grief. Not only is this stupid, it also jeopardizes other efforts to stop fat people from wearing tight shorts, hairy people from wearing tank tops and anyone from wearing T-shirts bearing the likeness of Danny Bonaduce, Snoop Dogg or Calvin Coolidge.

So sad. Some day Hawaiians will look back and wonder what happened to their tropical paradise.

Maybe they could let bus drivers carry a can of deodorant and give a quick spritz to anyone who needs it.

They could call it “Don’t ask, don’t smell,” and everyone would be happy. Aloha.

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Game over, Pacman

When an NFL star has to take a step down to play in the Canadian Football League, it’s embarrassing.

When he can’t even land a spot in the CFL, it’s humiliating — especially if the thug in question is Adam “Pacman” Jones.

That’s what happened to the once-promising cornberback who’s been arrested six times and involved in six other confrontations with the cops since entering the league in 2005.

This time last year, Pacman had been signed by the Cowboys after being suspended for the entire 2007 season. He didn’t deserve the gig, and finally owner Jerry Jones got a little bit smarter and released him in the offseason — along with other perennial trouble-maker Terrell Owens.

No other NFL team would mess with Pacman, so it looked like he would sign with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers this year.

In fact, that’s what he implied until the Blue Bombers said that rumors of his signing were greatly exaggerated.

Their coach explained why: “We will pursue athletes that we believe will contribute to our organization on and off the field.”

So now Pacman may have to go lower down the food chain, to the new UFL, which will have all of four teams when it starts play in October.

What a free-fall for a former first-round draft pick. And it couldn’t have happened to a nicer — well, more deserving — guy.

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Oh, no, not football!

OK, now I believe the recession is for real.

The NFL might have to black out a bunch of games in their home markets this season because the host stadiums have not sold out!

I’m serious! According to all-knowing, all-seeing AP: “The San Diego Chargers had an exhibition game blacked out for the first time since 2006 and will have Friday’s game blacked out as well. They say regular-season blackouts could be on the way as well. Other teams that could have trouble selling out their home games include the Detroit Lions and Oakland Raiders, who both had blackouts last season.”

Congress and the president cannot let this happen. They need to stop wasting time on health care, Iraq, swine flu, etc. and focus on this. I recommend an emergency three-point program, sort of like a field goal in the nick of time, if you catch my drift:

1) A cash-for-clunkers program in ticket sales. If two crummy teams like the Lions and Browns are playing each other, the feds should offer rebates for any fans stupid enough, I mean loyal enough, to buy tickets to this awful contest.

2) Heavy subsidies, tax breaks and other goodies for millionaire owners trying to build ever-bigger stadiums or jump to other cities for better deals. … Huh, we’re already doing this? Well, good, I guess.

3) Leaning on law enforcement to cut the NFL a little slack on personal conduct. Look, just because some arrogant jock gets a DWI or slaps around a lady or fires a gun in a crowded nightclub, that’s no reason to suspend him. Hey, what if he’s the team’s best pass rusher? Let’s think about our priorities here.

If America will kick this three-pointer through the pylons of society, we can get through this crisis. I mean, what else are we going to do on Sunday, go to church?

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