More stupid crooks

Further proof that this darned recession is really bad: Criminals are breaking into jails to sell drugs to other criminals.

It happened in Texarkana, Ark., the most famous city in America smack dab on a state line. (Stateline, Nev., doesn't count. It's in Nevada.)

The rocket scientist in question here, one Bobby Finley, age 20, was caught using bolt cutters last year to try to get through the chain-link fence that surrounds the jail.

Why? So he could peddle his stash of cocaine, pot and tobacco to inmates.

Jeez; are jobs in the jail snack bar that hard to get? Couldn’t he try the old gimmick of showing up on visiting day with a few hidden goodies? How about simply bribing a guard?

Noooo. Bobby Brainiac had to do it the hard way, and for his trouble he just got convicted of five felonies and sentenced to — are you ready for this? — 19 years in prison!

On the bright side, he does get credit for the 316 days he spent in jail awaiting trial. Which means he’s a free man in only 18 years!

I think we’ve all learned a lesson here: And that would be that most criminals are stupid and belong behind bars.

… Hey, I didn’t say it was a new lesson, did I?

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Warning: Entering crappy town

Some folks in Basalt, Colo., are not happy with the town’s new “Welcome to Basalt” signs.

This is not a bad thing. More towns should be honest and warn innocent visitors of bad things they might encounter.

In Basalt, the problem is that beneath the cheery welcome sign is a warning sign that that tells drivers, of all things, not to idle their cars for more than two minutes.

At a glance, incoming motorists just see “Welcome to Basalt” quickly followed by “Warning” in red letters. As Paul Newman once said, “What we've got here is a failure to communicate.”

I say the honesty is refreshing. In fact, more towns should stop pretending their little corner of America is heaven on earth and admit the dark secrets that insiders have known for years. Such as:

“Welcome to Springfield”
“Dropout Capital of the South”

“Welcome to Mill Valley”
“Our Last 3 Mayors Are in Prison”

“Welcome to Jonesville”
“First in Football; Last in Math”

“Welcome to Plattsburg”
“If You Want a Good Restaurant, Keep Driving”

and finally …

“Welcome to Washington, D.C.”
“If It Looks Like This Place Is Screwed Up From Top to Bottom … It Is!”

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Once bitten, twice shy

Some people take things too literally. Like the instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy.

A co-worker said, “Bite me.” So he did. And now the bite-ee is not pleased.

Tsk, tsk. This is one of those unfortunate incidents that easily could have been prevented.

Basically, more people need to learn not to say certain things that are usually followed by a Major Screwup. This list includes:

“Is that thing loaded?”

“Well, slap me upside the head!”

“Do I look like an idiot?”

“Watch me scare that Rottweiler.”

“Do you think this wire is live?”

“You don’t look so tough.”

... I think you get the picture. As for the above-mentioned instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy, he’s now facing a charge of disorderly conduct, which is not exactly a career boost in law enforcement, if you know what I mean.

Hey, it could have been worse. The victim in question could have said, “Does this skirt make my butt look big?”

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No sweat Switzerland

Man, those Swiss are smart. I mean, they already make the world’s best watches and chocolates, or so I’ve heard, and now they’ve added economics to the ol’ shopping cart.

While the rest of the world wallows in depression over the recession, the Swiss are taking a different approach. They’re going to have a referendum on whether to bump up the nation’s current four weeks of paid vacation to six.

Yes, a full six-pack. Why? Because all this worry over the free-falling numbers has caused stress at work. Like will I have a job tomorrow and enough money to buy food.

But giving workers even more time off would erase the bad karma and “enhance the productivity and motivation of workers.”

Absolutely.

Nothing brings you down like hearing the old boss man crack the whip and complain about how lousy things are. By getting away from all those negative vibes with more paid vacation, you’ll feel better about yourself. When you actually do have to show up at the job, you’ll be happier, mostly because you haven’t been there in a while.

If this doesn’t work, I hear the Swiss may try bigger salaries and shorter work weeks.

Finally, someone who knows how to grow the pie.

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“Earn this.”

Those, of course, were the unforgettable words spoken by Tom Hanks’ character at the conclusion of “Saving Private Ryan.”

If there’s a better war movie, I haven’t seen it.

If there’s a more meaningful two-word sentence in the English language, I haven’t heard it.

As civilians, we can’t “earn” our freedom the same way that men in battle do. They bleed and die. We complain if the vending machine is out of our favorite candy bar.

But there is something we can do. We can remember what they have done for us, all the sacrifices they have made, all the pain they have suffered.

And we can be incredibly, eternally grateful to them.

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Back to the future

So it’s come to this. Libraries are installing “quiet rooms” so that anyone who wants to read a book can have a little peace and quiet.

“A library is supposed to be a place where you study, but now people type on computers, watch TV, talk on the phone. There’s no civility,” said one grateful patron in the quiet room at a Houston library.

This is an idea whose time has come. In fact, the same retro concept ought to be used by some other outfits:

-- Grocery stores could go back to selling food, not motor oil or rugs.

-- Auto parts stores should not sell cashews. (I have seen this!)

-- Donut shops could focus on donuts, orange juice and other things you have at breakfast instead of lunchtime sandwiches.

-- Coffee shops could lose the soup. It’s hot and wet like coffee, but it ain’t the same.

-- Government offices could treat taxpayers with courtesy and respect.

… OK, that last one is a bit far-fetched. But let’s give the others the ol’ college try.

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Houston, we have a problem

It isn’t all glamor and glitz being a NASA astronaut. Sure, you get to wear a keen space suit and go where no man has gone before. But there are downsides.

Like drinking water made of recycled urine and sweat while you’re on the international space station.


That’s right, Trekkies. You see, supplies are kind of limited in space. If you don’t bring it up, you can't break it out. Hence the recycled H2O.

Officially, the astronauts insist the treated water “tastes great,” though another group swears it’s “less filling.”

But you gotta expect the company line from astronauts. If you tick off Ground Control, your chances of getting another flight are about as likely as Dick Cheney getting invited over for barbecue this weekend by the Obamas.

NASA is keeping the lid on the water problem, but I’m guessing that the job of testing the first batch of recycled urine and sweat goes to the junior astronaut.

And what is the protocol for that first taste test? Retching would not be the right stuff. After a big gulp, I guess you’d say something like, “Hmmmm. It’s still a little … uh, gamey. Let’s run it through the processor a few more times.”

On the upside, when you got back to earth, you'd never again complain about drinking well water or big city water or pretty much any kind of water that didn’t come out of somebody’s bladder a few hours ago.

And if you’re applying for that three-year round-trip mission to Mars, well, just plan on bringing along a lot of breath mints.

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Dirk’s dumb deed

Dirk, Dirk, Dirk. You went ahead and did it, and now you will regret it.

We refer of course, to the recent bombshell from the Jefferson County Jail that Crystal Taylor is pregnant with Dallas Maverick forward Dirk Nowitzki’s baby.


Basically, Dense Dirk is looking at 18 years of hefty child support payments to a woman who will never be nominated for Humanitarian of the Year.

In fact, news accounts indicate she’s a crazy gold-digger who’s been known to break a law or two in her day.

And this is who Dufus Dirk hooks up with. Talk about a technical foul.

Couldn’t Mavs’ owner Mark Cuban have taken him aside for one of those quiet, man-to-man chats that we see on daytime soap operas all the time?

Like, “Dirk, you see that gal over there? She is trouble with a capital T! Stay away from her!!”

Alas, this is the one time Cuban clammed up, and now Dirk’s about to be a daddy.

I think we’ve all learned a lesson here, and it’s a familiar one: Rich, dumb jocks eventually become not-so-rich dumb jocks.

Oh, well. It’s more motivation for Dirk to go after that MVP award next year — Most Vasectomied Person.

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Bonnie + Clyde X 4

If you’re worried about sitting around the ol’ homestead this weekend with nothing to do, fear no more. Grab the kids, gas up the station wagon and head on over to Gibsland, La.

What for? For festivities noting the 75th anniversary of the ambush that wiped out Bonnie and Clyde, that’s what.

And it sounds like fun with a capital F!

For starters there will be not one but four — count ’em, four — re-enactments of the police ambush that sent Bonnie and Clyde from this world into the next.

Now, I’ve seen a re-enactment or two in my day, and usually the re-enactors are satisfied with one take. How did Bonnie and Clyde rate four?

Will they all be the same? Will there be fake blood each time? That's a lot of costume changes. (Well, four, I guess.)

And how about dramatic dying by the Bonnie and Clyde characters? Can they do it in different ways each time, perhaps uttering different last lines, like, “Bonnie, I love you!” or, "Clyde, our love was never meant to be," or “Damn, these machine gun bullets really hurt!”

Seems like a lot of excitement. If I go I’ll just focus on the pancake breakfast. Pancakes never let you down.

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Yellow water in Yellowstone

Re: Is nothing sacred, issue No. 347:

Apparently not, as the latest affront comes from two guys in Yellowstone National Park who went wee-wee in the Old Faithful geyser.


You saw that right. The AP said delicately they were “watering” the geyser.

Hey, they weren’t keeping the garden roses moist with an aluminum can. That’s “watering.” Draining the weasel in a national monument is something else.

At least these two clowns got punished. They were seasonal concession employees, and they got canned. One was also fined $750, the other guy’s case is pending.

Serves ’em right. In fact, they’re lucky.

If Old Faithful had spurted up unexpectedly, they would have been scalded in a very sensitive place.

Now that would have given the elk something to bugle over!

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Bleepin' Blago!

So there was some good after all to the Blago drama.

Namely, a Chicago-area company is selling hair-care products inspired by none other than former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Its shampoo and conditioner are called — get this, “BLAGO - It’s Bleep’n Golden!”


Finally, instead of causing problems, the Blago brand can help people improve their lives. Not by discovering a cure for cancer or something like that but by having more silky, manageable hair.

And deep down inside, isn’t that the dream we all have?

The labels, of course, refer to one of the all-time great political quotes from Blago, or anyone else.

When The Hairy One was discussing his ability to appoint someone to the Senate seat just vacated by Barack Obama, he said, “I've got this thing and it's F-ing golden and I'm not giving it up for F-ing nothing."

Incredible. Has there ever been a more concise example of greed, pettiness and stupidity in the history of the English language?

I didn’t think so. And the second "F-ing" is just icing on the cake, the sparkle on the diamond.

For his part, Blago is probably focusing on his future career options. Such as, if you get a job in the prison kitchen, you get first dibs on good chow. But if you can snag a position in the library, you don’t have to scrub out big metal pots.

Decisions, decisions.

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More fun with criminals

So which is it: Is Jermaine Cooper just another dumb thug, or is he a crafty crook?

I report; you decide.


On the dumb side, Cooper got caught recently when being chased by cops in Fort Wayne, Ind. You see, he broke off the 90-mph pursuit to pull into a Taco Bell and grab a burrito.

Apparently he was absent that day in Criminal School when they taught that stopping in the middle of a high-speed pursuit pretty much increases your chances of getting caught to 100 percent.

On the other hand, Cooper told cops he “knew he was going to jail for a while” and just wanted one last burrito. So maybe he’s not so dumb after all.

What do you think?

A) Cooper is an idiot for quitting the chase. (Hey, those things are fun!)

B) Cooper is a free spirit who deserved that last burrito. (Maybe even some extra hot sauce.)

C) Anyone who craves a Taco Bell burrito for his last meal is pathetic.

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Amish hooligans!

I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of reading about Amish hooligans raising heck and being rowdy!

Their latest affront to public decency was when a couple of Amish “youths” (which is police code for gang-bangers) were ticketed in Leon, N.Y., for having beer in their horse-drawn buggy.


Like I'm surprised. If the cops had looked a little further, they probably would have found a Penthouse magazine and a pack of Marlboros.

Isn’t it about time we stopped thinking of the Amish as cuddly cultural throwbacks and realize them for the menace they are?

Don’t even get me started on the “solid waste” problem caused by their horses or the wild late-afternoon buggy races. And did you know they can put an eye out with one of those buggy whips?

It’s time to lay down the law to the Amish: Either get with the program and start acting like normal Americans, or go back where you came from.

Frankly, if you shipped the whole lot of ’em back to Amland, I wouldn’t shed a tear.

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Stamped out

John Auito of suburban Detroit seemed like a budding entrepreneur. He found a profitable niche and made a few bucks using the Internet.

So is he a good nominee for Small Businessman of the Year? No; it’s more like Felon of the Month.


You see, Auito is a rural postal carrier, and the product he was selling was postage stamps. Which he sort of stole from shipments at the Post Office he worked at. And that is not entirely legal.

As with most crooks, you wonder how long Johnny thought he would get away with this scam. He would contact people who bought rare stamps on eBay and sell them current postage for a 15 percent discount. This is not keeping a low profile.

And what about his customers? Didn’t they have a teensy suspicion that the stamps might have been hot? I mean, stamps don’t have an expiration date, the real Post Office never has sales on ’em.

Whatever; Auito will soon switch his Cliff Clavin-postal uniform for an orange jumpsuit and have a different government job, like something having to do with making license plates.

Thank God he was caught before he drove the U.S. government into bankruptcy. … What’s that you say, the president and Congress are already doing a nice job of that? Oh, right.

One last point: The price of stamps went up to 44 cents on Monday. And Barack Obama is the 44th president of the United States.

Coincidence … or conspiracy!

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School daze

The kids these days; what are you gonna do with ’em!

If you’re the head honcho at the Galveston ISD, you stick ’em in an auditorium and show ’em movies.


That’s right, taxpayers. The district can’t get enough substitute teachers because the regular ones are bailing out left and right.

So for a lot of kids, the three R's turn into a long day at the movies. And it’s free! (No word on whether the district throws in popcorn and Milk Duds.)

One of the reasons given for this unusual method of, uh, education is that many of the district’s teachers are taking off to repair homes damaged by Hurricane Ike.

OK, but couldn’t they wait a few more weeks to do that WHEN SCHOOL IS NOT IN SESSION?

The other reason given was that teachers want to use up their sick leave before the school year ends.

I hate to split hairs here, but isn’t sick leave for … sickness? As in, you don’t use it if you’re not sick? Silly me.

The real question, however, is what movies are they showing the kiddos? If they want to justify this non-schooling at school, at least they should roll out:

“Blackboard Jungle”

“Fast Times at Ridgemont High”

“The Graduate”

“High School Musical”

“National Lampoon’s Animal House”

“The Nutty Professor”

“To Sir With Love”

And finally, no film for this occasion would be more appropriate than (drum roll, please):

“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”

… Bueller. … Bueller. … Bueller.

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Deadly Drew

So Drew Peterson, former Illinois police sergeant, finally got indicted for murder. No surprise there, as anyone who has been following this tabloid drama would know.

But how come it took so long? And how come it was for killing Wife No. 3 and not Wife No. 4? Shouldn’t these things go in order?


By the way, what do you call Drew’s Wife No. 1 and Wife No. 2? How about “lucky,” as they didn’t wake up dead or go “missing” like the last two.

Drew must be dumb. He must not know A) You shouldn’t kill people, and B) You shouldn’t kill them in a pattern. Jeez, you might as well hang a sign around your neck reading, “I am a serial killer.”

Can it get any worse for Deadly Drew? Well, yes it can.

His appearance on an HBO reality show set in a Nevada brothel has been nixed.

An HBO spokeswoman even said the network would cancel the aptly named “Cathouse” before allowing him on it.

That’s pretty bad, when you’re not moral enough for a sleazy reality show.

If there’s any justice, and often there isn’t, Drew will spend the rest of his life inside a public facility with steep walls and stern guards.

In fact, the best he can hope for is getting former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich as a cellmate.

Which, by the way, would be about the worst thing that could happen to Blago when he gets locked up.

But hey, whoever said life was fair?

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Punks, prison

Every now and then, somebody ends up behind bars and doesn't belong there. It’s terrible. It should never be taken lightly.

On the other hand, there are lots of scary, violent losers who need to be caged up like animals. Because, well, frankly they behave like animals.


Take Michael Gonzales. He was being sentenced for two murders in Odessa this week but he had to be removed from the courtroom. Seems he couldn’t suppress the urge to scream out threats and profanities.

And at least he was honest about it. As he told the judge who asked him if he would stop the outbursts, “I’d lie to you if I tell you ‘no.’ Whenever my blood rises I speak my mind.”

Thanks for the candor, Mikey. Hope you never breathe free air again.

Then there was Shawn Jones of Port Arthur. He’s the dirtbag who was sentenced to 70 years for firing an SKS assault rifle indiscriminately in 2006. It happened, of all things, during the filming of a rap video by the late Pimp C. Talk about irony.

Anyhoo, Jones is a real character. In his 32 years on this planet, he’s managed to rack up 19 criminal convictions. 19! That’s more than two for each year of his life, and I’d be willing to place a small wager that he wasn’t caught every time he was jaywalking, if you know what I mean.

Oh, and while he was locked up for his various shenanigans, he was cited for 90 incidents of misconduct. 90!

Good riddance to these clowns and their kind. Lock ’em up, and forget where you hung the key.

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More animal layoffs!

It’s happened again! This darned recession is getting so bad that more animals are being laid off from their jobs! First it was a bunch of critters in the Bronx Zoo; now it’s a drug-sniffing police dog in Snohomish, Wash.


The City Council will decide tonight, but it doesn’t look good for Dixie, a 7-year-old shepherd-collie mix.

(By the way, the official civic motto of Snohomish is, “Our name is hard to pronounce, but our streets are easy to navigate.”)

In fact, I have a draft copy of the letter that is going to be laid on poor Dixie unless something changes:

“Dear Dixie:

“We regret to inform you that your services will no longer be needed. As you know, times are tight, and it costs $16,000 a year to keep you in Kibbles ’N’ Bits and chew toys. Frankly, you are expendable.

“I know you will not be happy to learn that we are keeping our other police dog and dropping you like a stale bone. But to be honest, Dixie, you didn’t help your case.

“Need I mention the time you dry-humped the mayor’s leg? And the time you were trying to give a urine specimen for a drug test and sprayed everywhere but in the cup? And the time you bit that suspect in a, uh, very sensitive part of his anatomy? Our lawyers say that one will cost us a bundle.

“On the bright side, you are eligible for 52 weeks of unemployment, and in dog years that’s even longer. Just don’t let us catch you roaming the streets of our fair city. If we do, let’s just say you’ll finally find out what happened to all those strays who went into the dog pound and never came out.”

And poor Dixie thought he was man's best friend.

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Hurry up and wait

Thank God the Texas House of Representative doesn’t rush into things. This deliberative group of statesmen just ratified the 24th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.


In case you’re a bit rusty on constitutional history — and admit it, it is hard to keep up with — the 24th Amendment banned poll taxes. Oh, and it was added to the Constitution in 1964.

In other words, even though the poll tax was bad news, the Texas House didn’t have to do this. Now the amendment goes to the Texas Senate, which also will presumably do something it doesn’t have to do.

It’s a good thing our guys ’n’ gals in Austin have time on their hands. You wouldn’t want them fooling around with something else — like, oh, the current session that ends in less than three weeks.

In fact, the Leg is going to take care of some other unfinished business, such as:

-- A resolution in support of the League of Nations.

-- A bill to ban trade with Germany in retaliation for the sinking of the Lusitania.

-- Ratification of the 19th Amendment, which gives women the right to vote.

After that, the House plans to hold hearings on the transition to touch-tone phones. Over at the Senate, it's that long-awaited debate on whether jet airplanes are a safe alternative to turboprops.

Your tax dollars at work — sort of.

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You have been warned

In case you missed it, the annual awards for stupid-but-true warning labels on products include:


A reminder that The Original Off-Road Commode, which of course is a toilet seat that attaches to the rear of your car, is “not for use on moving vehicles.” (Fine. But why would someone want to tow a toilet behind a vehicle in the first place? There is such a thing as being too careful.)

An instruction guide for a wart-removal product: “Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet.” (Clearly written by a foreigner, but warts are disgusting. Don’t ever stop anyone from having a go at ’em for any reason.)

A warning on, of all things, a cereal bowl: “Always use this product with adult supervision.” (Don’t laugh. My cousin got decked by a flying cereal bowl once. And yes, he was alone when it happened.)

A diet tip on a 1-by-4-inch LCD screen: “Do not eat the LCD panel.” (OK, but it looks kinda crunchy.)

And finally, a helpful reminder for a bag of livestock castration rings: “For animal use only.” (Hey, there’s nothing funny about that one! It should get first prize in the Best Warning Label Contest, if there was one.)

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