This is one of those things you read about every now and then, and you just shake your head in disgust and disbelief.
Some moron puts a tight collar around a puppy’s neck … and never changes it. As the puppy grows, the collar slowly cuts into its neck … through the fur and into the skin.
Sort of like being strangled by a wire, if you’re wondering.
All the while this terribly painful thing is happening, the owner sits by and ... well, does nothing.
Dear God in heaven! How can someone be so dumb, so clueless?
The latest example of this nightmare comes from a Beaumont man names Norris Jones. Now Jones is innocent and all that unless proved guilty, but he is also accused of chaining this poor dog to a fence without any shelter. I’m guessing he won’t be nominated for Dog Owner of the Year.
His “pet,” and I use that term loosely, was in such poor shape that it had to be euthanized.
If Jones is convicted of a state felony jail charge of animal cruelty, he could get two years in prison.
Personally, I think people who do this to their dogs should have a very, very tight collar placed around their neck … and left in place for a long, long time.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Collar cruelty
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Chinese cheating
Top 10 signs that not all Chinese female gymnasts at the Olympic Games are at least 16 years old as required by international rules:
10) Clothing allowance includes reimbursement for training pants.
9) Favorite TV show is “Teletubbies.”
8) Training breaks are called “nappy time.”
7) Uniforms were ordered from Beijing’s “Kids R Us” store.
6) Meals often consist of strained applesauce.
5) When not competing, athletes attend Beijing Elementary School No. 56.
4) On questionnaire distributed to all participants, one athlete listed “biggest frustration” as “not being allowed to sit at grownups table during family celebrations.”
3) Autographs are signed with crayons.
2) Team’s favorite song is “Itsy Bitsy Spider.”
1) Cooler is stocked with Gatorade … in baby bottles.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
News flash: Brett Favre is old
Imagine for a moment that you are the general manager or head coach of the New York Jets.
You’ve just wooed and pursued Brett Favre when his plans to return to Green Bay fizzled.
You got rid of Chad Pennington, the guy who was going to be your starting QB.
You’ve invested a bunch of money and prestige in No. 4.
Then on Wednesday, just the fifth day that Favre is practicing with your team at summer camp … he has a lousy outing ... and confesses that he’s not a young man anymore.
“I felt 38 today. I’m not going to lie to you. My arm’s kind of dragging a little bit today … To be honest with you, I’m surprised … that I’ve been able to make it through every practice so far.”
Uh, gee, thanks for the scoop, Brett.
Maybe this is why athletes RETIRE when they start stumbling into middle age.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Rhymes with "art"
Some weird stories need no comment, like this one:
GENEVA, Switzerland — A giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from an exhibition in the garden of a Swiss museum, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again, the museum said Monday.
… Oh, heck. I’m gonna comment anyway:
1) If this isn’t the most disgusting piece of crap to ever masquerade as art, it’s real close.
2) Can you imagine a museum director dumb enough to pay this “artist” for his “creation”?
3) What are the odds the police thought it was a prank call when museum officials reported the airborne object?
4) What was the artist's name for the darned thing -- "Dog's surprise"?
5) And finally, do you think the giant inflatable thingee floated off … because it had too much gas?
Monday, August 11, 2008
No mo' go & throw
Gas prices have dropped a bit, and we’re happy. Yes, it’s odd to be happy about gasoline that costs $3.60 gallon, but it’s all relative.
Maybe the mini-rollback will end the growing epidemic of “go and throw.” I refer, of course, to the phenomenon of truckers urinating in plastic bottles and tossing them out the window.
Apparently the recent price surge forced truckers to drive slower to conserve fuel. Then they didn’t want to stop (and go!) at truck stops. So they kept moving while they were, uh, offloading liquid.
How bad of a problem is this? Well, the Associated Press reported, “A litter crew for the Oregon Department of Transportation picked up an estimated 200-300 urine filled plastic bottles along (I-84), about half of which were found in a short stretch dubbed “Three Mile Hill.”
Maybe it should be renamed “three-ounce hill,” but I digress.
Truckers of America, let’s nip this problem in the bud! (Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.)
If you have to, ahem, do your business while on the run, please dispose of the bottle properly at your next stop. (Eventually, you will stop.)
Would you like to be the litter crew or highway mower picking up multiple bottles of a yellow, foamy liquid that isn’t Mountain Dew? I didn’t think so.
If you’ll do that, we’ll understand that this is one time that you can’t keep both hands on the wheel.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Double-digit DWIs
So what do you do with a loser like Kenneth Oneal?
He’s such a loser, he doesn’t even put an apostrophe in the name Oneal like actor Ryan O’Neal and thousands of other O’Neals do.
But that’s not the main reason he’s a loser. His biggest affront to life as we know it is his penchant for driving while intoxicated. Kenny has 10 — that’s right, 10 — DWI convictions.
If he had killed himself six or seven DWIs ago on some lonely stretch of road, he might have finally made a contribution to the human race … by subtracting himself from it without dragging anyone else with him.
But he didn’t. He just kept drinking and driving, endangering anyone who might be on the road near Wichita Falls.
On his latest bust, his blood-alcohol level was 0.215. Jeez, that’s nearly three times the 0.08 that the law calls drunken driving.
No. 10, however, might have been Kenny’s swan song. A jury just dropped the max on him — life in prison. I’d like to high-five all of the jurors, though I doubt they were his “peers.”
Prisons should be reserved for real dirtbags, but Oneal is an accident waiting to happen, and it could be a fatal one.
Oneal is 58. There’s no telling how much longer his booze-abused body will hang on. As far as I’m concerned, the sooner he checks out, the sooner that prison cell is freed up for another felon.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
A break from Brett
Whew! Finally it is over and we can get some peace!
I am talking about — what else? — the Brett Favre drama.
Was he in or out? Would it be here or there?
Talk about important! I don’t know what America would have done without the 24/7 saturation coverage.
I guess we’ll just go back the rest of our lives and THINGS THAT REALLY MATTER.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Beijing baloney
In theory, the Olympics are about sports, not politics.
In reality, of course, you can’t separate the two.
Especially when countries like China host the spectacle.
On the one hand, let’s give credit where credit is due.
China is not the human-rights hellhole it used to be. Chinese people still can’t challenge the one-party rule — and do a lot of other things that truly free people do. But they have a lot of personal freedoms, ranging from unlimited travel to the unlimited pursuit of wealth.
That’s nice.
What’s not nice is China’s continued oppression of Tibet, its continued threats against Taiwan and its continued support of evil dictatorships like North Korea and Burma.
So if over the next two weeks, you see Olympic athletes speaking out against China’s shortcomings, don’t fall for the Communist Party line that they are mixing sports and politics or violating the spirit of the games.
And on that note, who leaned on the U.S. cyclists and forced them to apologize for wearing black face masks when they entered Beijing?
Michael Friedman, Sarah Hammer, Bobby Lea and Jennie Reed released a statement Wednesday that sounds like it was written by the Chinese Politburo:
“The wearing of protective masks upon our arrival into Beijing was strictly a precautionary measure we as athletes chose to take, and was in no way meant to serve as an environmental or political statement. We deeply regret the nature of our choices. Our decision was not intended to insult BOCOG or countless others who have put forth a tremendous amount of effort to improve the air quality in Beijing.”
Huh? The masks were right on. Beijing’s air — and its politics — are polluted.
The cyclists were making a statement that needed to be made. If it ruffled a few feathers in China ... good!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Copper shocker
I don’t wish death on any criminals, except those who murdered someone. But it’s hard to feel sorry for James McKay, 51, who died a pretty agonizing death last weekend in Dallas.
You see, McKay didn’t have to check out so soon. He was trying to steal some copper when his fatal accident occurred. Unfortunately for him, he chose to cop the copper … from a utility pole chock full of high-voltage wires.
That was not smart. In fact, it was extremely stupid.
In the process of his attempted crime, McKay was severely shocked and burned.
According to the AP, “A Dallas Fire-Rescue official said McKay had suffered third-degree burns and was burned on about 50 percent of his body. On Friday, live television coverage of the 1½ -hour rescue showed McKay’s shirt in tatters, his jeans mostly burned away from his body. His skin looked red and he appeared to be in extreme pain as rescue personnel eased him down a fire truck’s extended ladder.”
Before McKay passed away, I wonder if anyone asked him, “Uh, dude, like WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”
Monday, August 04, 2008
Edgy about Edouard
If you’re reading this on Tuesday, that’s a good sign.
It means that Tropical Storm Edouard didn’t turn into Hurricane Edouard, veer north and blow you halfway to Jasper. It means you have electricity in your home or business — and a home or business still standing.
I was hoping and praying Monday night that you evaded Edouard — and that my family did too.
The experts say Edouard will probably hit west of us and that we will only get a little wind and rain. Let’s hope the experts have earned their Expert Certificates.
It’s not that I want someone else to be hammered by Eddie. The ideal place for him/it to make landfall would be an isolated stretch of coast somewhere between Galveston and Brazosport.
Let’s hope Mr. Ed keeps heading straight west so something like that happened. Unfortunately, Galveston Island was right in the bull’s eye.
All I know is that Southeast Texas got ravaged by Rita, and one monster hurricane per lifetime is enough.
Heck, it might even be too much.
Be a gentleman, Edouard.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Web wit
Here's another Internet nugget that's better than the usual spam:
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health:
1) Japanese people eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2) Mexican people eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3) Chinese people drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4) Italian people drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5) German people drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever the hell you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you, but the U.S. government is trying to correct the problem.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Corporate craziness
I guess $11.7 billion isn’t what it used to be.
That’s the amount of ExxonMobil’s second-quarter profit. (All those nickels and dimes they’ve been getting from you and me add up.)
Even for ExxonMobil, $11.7 billion is a big second-quarter profit. In fact, the oil giant beat its own record for the highest quarterly profit ever.
But here comes the crazy part:
Wall Street expected ... even bigger profits! By racking up a measly $11.7 bil, ExxonMobil actually saw its stock price fall, by 2.5 percent!
As one analyst, Simmons & Co. International, noted, “We expect that these results will be viewed negatively today.”
Huh? A record quarterly profit of nearly $12 billion … is not good enough?
Wow; what if the company had brought in, only, say, $10 billion?
I guess the CEO and chairman would be canned.
After all, you can’t keep stringing along underperformers forever.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Dough-nutty
Dunkin’ Donuts is adding health food to its menu. Isn’t that great? No it is not.
People slink off to a DD for a deliciously guilty shot of sugar and caffeine.
If we wanted healthy stuff, well, darn it, we’d go to a place called something like Cardboard and Seawater. (Hey, didn’t one of those open in that trendy new neighborhood last week?)
If you can’t rely on a DD for sneaky gourmet pleasure, where can you take your cravings? You can bet that health food stores won’t be adding a junk food aisle.
DD is, however, adding “two new flatbread sandwiches made with egg whites. Customers will be able to choose either a turkey sausage egg-white sandwich or a vegetable one. Both will be under 300 calories with 9 grams of fat or less,” according to the Associated Press.
Tsk-tsk. I’d go to a Starbucks to drown my sorrows, but 600 of them are closing worldwide.
Bald behind bars
Wow; talk about irony.
A few months ago, John Chambers III was a prison guard. Soon he will be a prison inmate.
That’s because Chambers was caught smuggling contraband into Beaumont’s massive federal prison in exchange for bribes. That stupid stunt will earn him a two-year stint.
Some of the items Chambers smuggled in were understandable — tobacco, marijuana and MP3 players. When you’re doing hard time, a little smoke and some tunes apparently make it pass easier.
There is, however, one other item that Chambers was caught trying to sneak in, and for the life of me I don’t understand it:
Rogaine.
That’s right, Rogaine. As any bald or near-bald guy will tell you, Rogaine, according to the company Web site, “is the first and only FDA-approved hair regrowth foam. … It’s not greasy and it doesn’t run or drip. It’s so easy to use, it could make getting back your hair one of the easiest parts of your routine.”
Uh, why?
We all want to look good. But when you’re in the slammer, growing a lush, thick head of hair ought to be your last concern. Or so I would think.
If anybody out there in bloggerdom knows why prison inmates need Rogaine, please post a comment.
… Unless it’s something icky.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Pain at the pump
I believe in the power of prayer. I hate high gasoline prices, too.
Unfortunately, there is no connection between the two.
Somebody should tell that to a group called “Prayer at the Pump.” It held two service at gas stations in St. Louis to get pump prices headed south again.
It even sang that magnificent Civil Rights song “We Shall Overcome” with a stupid modern verse, “We’ll have lower gas prices.”
The prayer/pump pack needs a serious reality check.
High gasoline prices are not a punishment from God, just as the relatively lower costs in previous years were not a blessing.
They were and are something that happens due to market forces. You know, the boring old supply/demand stuff you learned in high school Economics — that is, if you weren’t dozing off or fantasizing about members of the opposite sex.
There are dozens of things that need our prayers, situations where innocent people are truly hurting.
A buck or two more per gallon doesn’t qualify. If the pain at the pump is too pervasive, get a subcompact, or a moped, or a bicycle.
If nothing else, walk.
That mode of transportation was good enough for Jesus.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Is your head empty yet?
Was it just me, or did you notice it too?
Whaddya mean, “What the #@*& am I blogging about?”
I am referring, of course, to that very important event that transpired on Friday.
World Still Mind Day.
That’s right, dear readers.
The School of Metaphysics declared July 25 to be World Still Mind Day.
The goal, according to Dr. Daniel Condron, a lifelong meditator who teaches there, is to bring “people together to relax, calm and still the mind, and thereby find peace.”
It must have worked. I didn’t notice any new wars breaking out on Friday.
On the other hand, I didn’t notice much letup in the wars already going on. I guess it all depends on how you defend success.
But getting back to this “still mind” concept. Dr. Condron says, “The cause of most of the world’s troubles, wars and problems is too much thinking.”
Our goal should be to “think less thoughts, enjoy the space between your thoughts, and experience the blissful peace within.”
Riiiggghhtt.
By the way, if you care to take a couple of courses at the School of Metaphysics, you should know where it’s at.
That would be in a Missouri town called Windyville.
Indeed, where else would it be?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
U R dumb
Smart cops know when to chase hard … and when to let the quarry come to them.
Sheriff’s deputies in Catawba County, N.C., caught two young gentlemen suspected in a series of break-ins. They confiscated the cell phone of one of them, a 16-year-old.
Soon, a text message arrived from another suspect. It asked the guy already busted if he had indeed been caught.
A deputy texted back “no.” (That’s one word so short that teens don’t abbreviate it.)
Predictably, the third moron was fooled and said he would drive over to pick up his friend.
Deputies waited near the site of the burglaries and slapped the cuffs on the clueless texter when he showed up.
LOL.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Wiccan woes
How many times has this happened to you?
You’re in the cemetery under the glow of a full moon, surrounded by candles and incense, and you want to plunge a 3-foot sword into the ground in a Wiccan good luck ritual.
But instead … you stick the damned sword in your foot!
Ouch! That’s exactly what happened to Katherine Gunther in Lebanon, Ind.
“It wasn’t the first time I performed the ritual, but it was the first time I put a sword through my foot,” she explained helpfully.
Talk about egg on your face. (And blood on your feet!)
Fortunately for Gunther, she immediately yanked out the blade and her fellow Wiccans took her to a hospital. She is being kept there for a couple of days for observation.
Ah yes, observation. That’s good … as you wouldn’t want her TO DO ANYTHING STUPID while she was recuperating.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tourist (death) trap
For bored travelers who have seen it all, the next challenge is clear: Iraq.
Yes, Iraq, the place where religious fanatics of different kinds are trying to kill Iraqis and soldiers of different kinds.
Despite that little problem, Iraqi tourism officials are thinking positive.
They have rolled out new tourism posters and want to attract visitors to Iraq’s archaeological sites.
That’s encouraging. On the downside, many of those sites have been looted and damaged in the fighting.
And the national museum in Baghdad, filled with thousands of priceless artifacts, remains closed because of the strong likelihood that a suicide bomber would be among its first customers.
Still, one American entrepreneur, Robert Kelley, said Baghdad’s famed “Green Zone” would be a dandy site for $100 million luxury hotel. It probably would be, as soon as they can do something about those annoying mortar shells that “drop in” unexpectedly.
This week, officials from Iraq’s National Investment Commission joined Kelley in a “cornerstone-laying” ceremony at the proposed site.
The AP reported, “Some Iraqi observers joked that the structure looked like a gravestone.”
Yikes. I bet no one was laughing.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Amy alert!
Amy Winehouse must have been devastated.
The singer's beloved husband Blake — “my Blake” — as she lovingly calls him, will remain locked up.
Blake Fielder-Civil, as you may recall, has been inside since he admitted beating up a pub manager in a barroom fight in 2006 and then offering him $400,000 to clam up about it.
On Monday, a judge sentenced Blakey to 27 months in prison. Ouch.
But on the bright side, he’s already served nine months. So under British laws, he can get out when he’s completed half the sentence, which would be this December for him.
Maybe he and Amy can have a traditional, old-fashioned Christmas then.
But in the meantime, I hope she can control her emotions.
I just wouldn’t want her to do something stupid — like getting another tattoo or getting stoned or getting arrested.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Welcome to Tehran!
Finally, the U.S. and Iran are taking care of some unfinished business. After all these years — and that unpleasant hostage crisis — the two countries are talking about re-establishing a U.S. diplomatic presence in Tehran.
It’s about time. And you may be surprised to hear this, but I think the Iranians have been getting a raw deal on this issue.
They are not the religious fanatics that some people are trying to portray them as. Deep down inside, they’re jes’ plain folks.
In fact, to prove it, the Iranian government has recommended several nice properties for the new U.S. mission:
1) A lovely brownstone at the intersection of I’d-Rather-Be-Waging-Holy-War Boulevard and Jihad-Forever Parkway. It features low walls that won’t impede any sudden surge of “students,” I mean guests.
2) A spacious Mediterranean-style villa next to the Suicide Belt Factory on Martyrdom Lane. It has many extra rooms for any sudden surge of “students,” I mean guests.
3) A cozy three-story brick structure smack dab in the hottest section of Avenge-The-Crusades Avenue. The walls produce a delightful echo of any “Death to America” chants that might emanate from the street.
… Now isn’t that nice? Can’t we all just get along?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Murder She Did
If you’re thinking of becoming a mass murderer — and I sincerely hope that you are not — you might want to move to Austria before you begin your body count.
Why? Let’s just say you won’t get the book thrown at you if you get caught.
European countries long ago abolished the death penalty. In Austria, even a “life sentence” rarely extends beyond 15 years, no matter how many bodies you sent to the morgue.
For example, Austria’s two “angels of death,” Waltraud Wagner and Irene Leidolf, will be sprung soon after 17 years behind bars.
That’s a lot of time, but not if you’ve done a lot of killings. And these gals knew how to put ’em away.
They worked as nurse’s aides and were convicted of killing at least 20 elderly patients by injecting them with drugs or forcing water into their lungs.
And no, these were not “mercy killings,” if there is such a thing. The presiding judge denounced their “malicious methods” — such as pushing aside the tongues of their victims and pouring water down their throats.
When the two killers and two other accomplices were first caught, they admitted taking out 42 patients at a hospital that had been converted into a nursing home. Later, they retracted most of those confessions. ("Hey, it's not like we're bad people!")
Anyhow, the two killers are both still in their 40s and can presumably look forward to many more years of life.
Unlike the dozens of people they murdered … crimes for which they served less than 20 years.
Remember that the next time somebody whines about the death penalty in this country.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Cash rich, morally bankrupt
Some people have too much money. (That’s a problem I never had.)
Like Russian billionaire Dmitry Rybolovlev. He bought Donald Trump's mansion in Palm Beach for $95 million. (He should have bought some more vowels for his name, but that’s another blog.)
That price, in case you’re wondering, is the most ever paid for home in the United States.
The Donald made a nice profit, too. He paid only $41 mil for the pad in 2004.
He probably made some improvements, though, to boost the selling price, like adding longer garden hoses and some of those curly light bulbs.
Anyway, if you think this is a Bunch of Wretched Excess, you are right, but you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Rybolovlev is thinking about tearing down the house he just bought for nearly $100 million … so he can put up an even fancier one!
Don’t worry, he can afford it. His net worth is estimated at $12.8 billion by the Forbes list, making him the 59th richest person on the planet.
Still, you don’t have to be a Commie to wonder how much real good he could do with that money instead of pissing it away on an ego trip.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
No Barry = good game
As baseball fans from Long Island to Long Beach know, the final All Star game at Yankee Stadium was held Tuesday night.
This blog was written before the first ceremonial pitch was thrown — even before the first commercial was aired. But the game was a smashing success.
How did I know that? Simple: No Barry Bonds.
Last year’s All Star game in San Francisco was hijacked by BALCO Barry.
What should have been a celebration of the game’s finest turned into a long and nauseating tribute to the hometown “hero” and his quest for Hank Aaron’s home run record.
It was bad. Really bad.
Fortunately, there was no Barryfest this year.
The surly, foul-mouthed slugger remains unsigned midway through the season. You know he hates that, and I squirm with glee knowing that he hates that.
If there is a God, Bonds will remain unsigned for the rest of time.
(Note to God: I know You are there. That’s just an expression we use down here on Earth.)
Periodically, the baseball world is set atwitter with rumors that some desperate club will sign Bonds, probably an American League team that needs a designated hitter.
I’m hoping it won’t happen, but I’m resigned to suspecting that it might.
But if we can get through three more months without Barry in uniform, we are probably rid of that cheater forever.
It’s even less likely that some team would sign him next year after he sat out this year. And there’s the even juicier chance that Barry will be convicted of lying under oath.
Think of it — Barry out of baseball and in a prison.
If there is a God, it will happen.
(Note to God. See 10th paragraph above.)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Tapped out
Some financial wizards say that as many as 150 of the nation’s 7,500 banks could fail in the next 12-18 months.
This, of course, is after IndyMac cratered in California, leading to the kind of frantic bank run by worried depositors that hasn’t been seen since the Depression.
And, of course, these same financial wizards are nervously mentioning that the nation’s two largest mortgage finance companies, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, could be hanging by a thread too.
And General Motors — the mighty GM! — has been spending a lot of time lately insisting that it won’t go bankrupt.
So my question is this: If you can’t afford to buy gas for your SUV made by GM to go to your IndyMac bank before it is padlocked and withdraw the last of your savings to try to pay the mortgage on your home financed by Fannie Mae … are you:
A) Doomed.
B) Hopeless.
C) A typical American.
… Just wondering.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Brett goes too far
We’ve seen it a dozen times.
Some old boxer retires … and unretires ... a few times.
He can’t step away from the ring, even though he’s over the hill like yesterday’s sunset.
It’s pathetic, but then boxing isn’t much of a “sport,” so I guess it doesn’t matter much.
Pro football is different. And Brett Favre is really different.
Sadly, the great quarterback is acting like a lousy boxer.
A few months after the typically tear-filled press conference in which he swore up and down that he was leaving the game because he had absolutely nothing left to give … well, he wants to come back.
If the Packers would just give him his No. 4 jersey and point him toward the field, I guess we could chuckle at another Huck Finn moment from Favre and wait for the new season.
But Green Bay is balking. The owners used their No. 1 pick on a quarterback three years ago — Aaron Rodgers. They’re tired of paying him big bucks to hold a clipboard on the sidelines.
Besides, Favre has gone through this will-he-or-won’t-he Hamlet act for a few seasons now. This time, it looked like he meant it … for a few months.
So now they don’t want to take him back, and Favre is asking to be released so he can sign with another team.
Sacrilege. That’s like putting Babe Ruth in a Red Sox uniform. … OK, he did wear Beantown duds earlier in his career, but you know what I mean.
Favre runs a huge risk of tarnishing his legacy and embarrassing himself on the field.
Maybe the really sad thing is that this man-child doesn’t have anything else to do with his life.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Sit down and shut up
Do you ever suspect that some people have too much time on their hands?
I do. In fact, I can prove it:
A guy named Jim Purol just set a new Guinness World Record for “Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours.”
On Wednesday, he sat on his 39,250th seat in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, Calif., after starting on Monday. Sometime soon he hopes to sit in the 92,542nd and final seat.
This guy must be the Barry Bonds of competitive seating. He once sat in all 107,501 seats at the University of Michigan’s football stadium.
Isn’t that fascinating?
No, it isn’t.
Isn’t that weird?
Yes, it is.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
An inside job
For 16 years, Marcia Sinclair was the trusted accounts receivable clerk for Gulf Coast Window Covering in Houston.
Prosecutors say that for the last four of those years, she was an embezzler.
If she was, she was darned good. Sinclair is accused of siphoning off $6 million from a company that would never be confused with a Fortune 500 firm.
Stories like this usually reinforce two key lessons:
1) Embezzlers often get caught because they get greedy.
If Sinclair was skimming, she probably could have gotten away with it forever … if she had showed a little restraint. You know, taking just enough not to be noticed, living a modest lifestyle.
Not her. Prosecutors say enjoyed a buying binge that could have satisfied dozens of divas. We’re talking goodies like more than 100 rings, 12 pairs of $2,000 shoes and “tons of clothes.” And the amazing total of 61 pairs of designer sunglasses. With cases.
Interesting. And the other lesson? That would be:
2) Crafty embezzlers usually find the right kind of people to work for. People who are, uh, very trusting.
If you were a top official in a modestly-sized business, wouldn’t you notice eventually that millions of dollars in revenues were being diverted?
I guess not.
As one prosecutor told The Houston Chronicle, “It’s another case of a trusted employee stealing from an employer. It’s happened before, and it will happen again.”
I guess it will.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Don't be like Mike
Whatever happened to … Michael Vick?
Oh, that’s right. For the second summer in a row, he won’t be taking snaps at the Atlanta Falcons training camp.
Instead, he’s snapping towels in the prison laundry.
Big difference.
Poor Mike. In addition to serving 23 months in the mother of all federal pens in Leavenworth, Kansas, he now has declared bankruptcy.
He owes millions and owns thousands. That is what economists call “a negative cash flow.”
Actually, the outlook isn’t completely gloomy for No. 7. (OK, now he’s No. 532865, but you know what I mean.)
Vick hopes to “rebuild his life on a personal and spiritual level, resurrect his image as a public figure, and resolve matters with the NFL such that he can resume his career,” he wrote in his bankruptcy petition.
Hell, I wouldn’t rule it out. Some team will sign him when he’s sprung, probably the felon-loving Dallas Cowboys. A book/movie deal would bring in a few bucks, not to mention a reality TV show. He’s still young and healthy. If he makes it big again, he’d be the Comeback Player of the Century.
We shall see. But I wonder if when he’s lying in his bunk at night, listening to the chaos and craziness of a prison, he thinks back to that time several years ago when one of his dumb-ass flunkies asked something like,
“Hey, Mike, ya wanna get some dogs an’ fight ’em?”
I’m pretty sure that right about now, Michael Vick is wishing he’d made a different choice.
Monday, July 07, 2008
That was then, this is now
John Kerry, a Democrat, says John McCain, a Republican, doesn’t have what it takes to be president.
“John McCain ... has proven that he has been wrong about every judgment he’s made about the war. Wrong about the Iraqis paying for the reconstruction, wrong about whether or not the oil would pay for it, wrong about Sunni and Shia violence through the years, wrong about the willingness of the Iraqis to stand up for themselves,” Kerry said on CBS’ “Face the Nation.”
No big surprise there. Democrats and Republicans don’t like each other much, and I believe there is an election for president in a few months. Republican senators don’t have nice things to say about Barack Obama.
But Kerry’s quips are curious for another reason.
Four years ago, when Kerry was the Democratic nominee for president, he wanted McCain to be his VP — even though he was a Republican.
It was a bold, gutsy offer. It probably would have gotten Kerry elected.
But McCain — after some wavering — declined.
Good thing. They probably wouldn’t have gotten along ... seeing as Kerry changes his mind so often.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
More 'Net nuggets
More Internet wisdom, better than the usual spam:
My sister got this from a friend of hers in Ireland:
“We, in Ireland, can’t figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.
“On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer.
“On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good-looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
“What are you laddies over there thinking?”
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Starbucked
Well, haw, haw, haw.
The mighty Starbucks chain is leaking like a cheap plastic cup.
It will have to close 600 (!) of its stores — most of which were opened only two years ago.
Did they think we consumers were stupid? Did they think we would pay $4 or $5 for a fancy cup of coffee?
Who could be that dumb?
… Well, me. And you. And you. And most of the other folks reading this blog.
Admit it, Starbuckians. You loved the chain’s cachet, the silly labels like “venti,” the pseudo-inspirational sayings on the cups.
This wasn’t a bitter cup of Joe in a gritty diner. Starbucks made a lowly drink glamorous. At Starbucks, you were hip and trendy, like Bill Gates and the Internet millionaires in Seattle.
Alas, $4 gas has trumped $4 coffee. It’s back to homemade brew, or maybe McDonald’s in the morning. (I love the lid on their small cup with that hinged flap.)
Maybe Bill Gates can drink more java to keep Starbucks going. At least he can afford it.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Jocks and jerks
Sports may look simple to the inexperienced fan, but it’s complicated.
Take the Shawn Chacon / Manny Ramirez incidents.
Shawn went Latrell Sprewell on the Astros GM the other day. So the ’Stros released him. I mean, you can’t have jocks choking team employees, can you?
Well, in Boston you can. You see, the other day Manny went Latrell Sprewell on the Red Sox’s traveling secretary. It seems that Manny wanted a bunch of tickets for friends and flunkies for the team’s recent visit to Houston.
The traveling sec couldn’t or wouldn’t come through. So Manny did what any spoiled millionaire jock would do. He went Latrell Sprewell on him.
Was Manny bounced from the team like Shawn was?
No, popcorn-breath, he was not.
Any why? Well, Shawn was a so-so pitcher. His fast ball wasn’t and his curve ball wouldn’t. (He did have a killer change-up, though.) Because of his mediocrity, he was expendable.
Manny, on the other hand, is the best hitter in Bean Town. Getting rid of him, or even fining or suspending him, for throttling a normal person would be unthinkable.
In fact, whenever Manny does weird things like this or fails to hustle after a double in the corner, no one speaks harshly to The Favored One.
They just shrug their shoulders, grin, and say, “That’s Manny being Manny.”
Maybe that’s why he keeps doing things like this.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Cussin' cousins
As July Fourth approaches, what are some differences between England and her former colony? Well, here’s one:
A New Mexico appeals court ruled against a moron who wanted to change his name to “F*** Censorship.”
The plaintiff is a real piece of work. His current legal name is “Variable.” Before that it was “Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon.” Aren’t you glad he didn’t marry your sister?
The judges could have told “Variable” to “f*** off,” but that would have been sinking to his level. Instead, they said the proposed name change was “obscene, offensive and would not comport with common decency.”
Speaking of “f*** off,” a schoolboy across the pond put that expression on an exam paper.
Was he sent to the principal’s office? Was he expelled?
Not really. His sappy teacher gave him 2 points of credit for the obscenity, “because it does show some very basic skills we are looking for, like conveying some meaning and some spelling.”
In fact, if the punk had punctuated his insult, he would received more credit.
The teacher’s lame explanation for coddling the curser was, “It’s better than someone that doesn’t write anything at all.”
Uh, actually, no, since the exam question was, “Describe the room you are sitting in.”
If the teacher wanted to speak to the brat in language he could understand, he could have replied, “Congratulations, dumb***. You just screwed yourself out of a passing grade.”
Friday, June 27, 2008
More Internet wisdom
This came over the ’Net the other day; it’s better than the usual spam:
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go!
“When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
“They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
“Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.
“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Squeezing the Juice
O.J. Simpson doesn’t get it.
He said about his latest legal problems, “If I was anybody else, I wouldn’t be going to court.”
Uh, Juice, if you were anybody else ... unable to afford a squad of high-priced lawyers ... you’d be in prison for murdering your ex-wife and her friend.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Everything is just fine!
Politicians aren’t the only source of doubletalk in America.
Take sports, for instance.
Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz has been out of the lineup since May 31. For the doctors out there, he tore the tendon sheath in his left wrist. (I hate it when that happens!)
Anyway, Big Papi is a big part of the Red Sox offense. His team naturally wanted him back ASAP, and there was some hope he could rejoin the club soon.
Well, not anymore.
He took some “soft swings” off a batting tee, and he’s still weeks away from taking full-power swings. Even then, he’ll need a rehab stint in the minors before he can come back to the club.
Bad news, eh? Not according to Ortiz. He said the swing results were “not a setback.”
Uh, gee, Dave, what would be “a setback” if that isn’t one?
Whatever. As long as the Bosox don’t sign The One Whose Name Should Not Be Mentioned to replace Ortiz as DH, life will go on in Beantown.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Don Imus and Punkman Jones
If you’re like me, you're outraged at the latest insensitive remark from shock-jock Don Imus.
No, not the charges that Imus made another racist comment about NFL cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones.
What ticked me off what the nonsense Imus uttered in trying to defend himself:
“I mean, there’s no reason to arrest this kid six times," Imus said about Pacman. "Maybe he did something once, but everyone does something once.”
Clang! What planet does Imus live on?
There were very good reasons “to arrest this kid six times.” He’s a punk. He's a felony waiting to happen. Hell, he probably should have been arrested 60 times.
Check out Pacman’s rap sheet on Bumpshack.com. It’s too long to list here.
Pacman is not a victim of anything but his own stupidity.
As this site put it so well, “Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones is the poster child for everything that is wrong with the NFL. NFL teams continue to draft thugs and convicts without regarding for their moral character or criminal record.”
Take that, I-man.
And once again, isn’t it a shame that a franchise that once had such upright stars as Roger Staubach and Emmitt Smith has taken to gleefully signing misfits like Terrell Owens, Tank Johnson and now Pacman Jones?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Back to the future
How bad is this darned gas crisis?
Try this: Kids in suburban Washington, D.C., may have to actually walk to school!
No, that is not a typo. The Montgomery County school district is estimating that its diesel costs will double next year, to nearly $8 million.
So instead of picking up all the kiddos, the tyrants on the school board are going to force the ones who live close to school to … walk!
You know, like putting one foot in front of the other and stepping!
Good Lord; what would their grandparents think?
Friday, June 20, 2008
Nailing Naomi
Thank God Naomi Campbell didn’t get hard time.
The poor woman already suffers enough, being cursed to go through life as a millionaire model. Putting her in jail for that little “air rage” incident would be, like, totally unfair.
I mean, she only kicked and spat at two cops, spewed curses at flight attendants and demanded that the pilot of the plane delay the flight to look for her missing bag.
Don’t they know who she is!!!
Fortunately, Naomi only had to pay a silly fine and do 200 hours of community service. If there’s any justice in England, that stint could be something like advising aspiring models on the best shade of lipstick to match their nail polish.
Her spokesman (apparently one who hasn’t been cuffed around yet) said outside the court that Naomi looked forward to telling her side of the story.
Indeed, why won’t “they” let Naomi explain this stupid misunderstanding?
Poor, poor Naomi. The next time you read about a crime victim or someone with a terrible disease, remember that she has it a lot worse.
All she wants is to be treated like a goddess by idiots who should realize how lucky they are to be in her presence! Really, is that asking too much?
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Help is on the way -- eventually
Even for the government, this has to set some kind of record.
$85 million in supplies intended for victims of hurricanes Rita and Katrina are finally being distributed in Louisiana — 2½ years after the storms.
Why the delay? Simple; the feds lost them.
That’s right, taxpayers. The linens, pots, pans and other items got stuck in a Fort Worth warehouse, where they were forgotten for two years. They’d probably still be there, but the building’s owner wanted to demolish it.
He asked the feds to take back their stuff, but in March FEMA decided the goods were surplus. FEMA then tried to give them to the Louisiana Recovery Authority, which is probably where they should have gone in the first place.
And just to show that state government can be just as incompetent as the federal government, the Louisiana Recovery Authority initially said thanks, but no thanks.
“We were not notified that these were Katrina-Rita supplies,” said Paul Rainwater, head of the LRA.
To make a long story short, the stuff is finally being distributed to a New Orleans nonprofit agency, which will give it to people made homeless by Katrina.
… Something to think about the next time someone clamors for the government to take over new responsibilities like health care.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Judge, jury and executioner
Some time in the next few days, a minister is going to give a eulogy for Cameron Sands somewhere near Dallas.
If I were a man of the cloth and were called on for this assignment, it would go something like this:
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Cameron Sands, just 19 years old.
“As you all know, Cameron died early Tuesday morning while trying to pull a stickup in Grand Prairie.
“He kicked down the door of a house but as he was entering it, he shot himself in the stomach when he tried to pull his pistol out of his waist band.
“He staggered a few feet and died in the driveway.
“ … He sure saved taxpayers a lot of time and money.
"Thanks for coming and have a safe drive home.”
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Deep thoughts
It’s official. A guy named Craig Allen of West Linn, Ore., is the smartest guy in America.
Or to put that another way, he won the Great American Think-Off. That riveting competition was held this week in New York Mills, Minn.
It is described as “a national philosophy competition that gives ordinary people the chance to debate some of life’s perplexing questions.”
Allen raked in the gold medal for churning out the best answer to this year’s question, “Does immigration strengthen or threaten the United States?”
That question is questionable. I mean, immigration is important and all that, but couldn’t America’s greatest minds tackle something harder? Like:
1) Why is this national competition held in a farming town of 1,200 people 170 miles northwest of Minneapolis. (Was Ottumwa, Iowa, booked up?)
2) What does the title to the new James Bond movie mean?
3) Why has a Bush or a Clinton been involved in every presidential election since 1980?
4) Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
5) Why is a great pitcher like Roy Oswalt only 5-7 this year?
6) Who will be surprised when Amy Winehouse ODs?
7) How much longer will I have to wait for the sequel to “Forrest Gump”?
8) Why does pepper improve the flavor of almost anything?
9) Why are most lotteries won by retirees?
10) What will be more valuable in five years, 100 shares of Google or 100 shares of ExxonMobil?
There you have it, America. Put on your thinking caps. Just don’t tie ’em too tight.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Tattooed out
There are some things you’d love to be involved with personally. For example, watching a Super Bowl (in the stadium, not on TV) or seeing a presidential candidate in your town (again, in person, not on the idiot box).
Then there are some things you might not want to be part of. For example, being one of the 415 people tattooed in a 24-hour period by a tattoo artist who wants to set the world record for laying down the most ink in a day.
That’s what Oliver Peck did last week in Dallas.
He called the experience “an adrenaline rush.”
Some of the people who apparently will do anything to be involved in a world record agree. Then again, in future years some of those folks will call their tattoo “the biggest mistake I ever made.”
All of the tattoos, incidentally, were of the number 13. And this was done on Friday the 13th.
Isn’t that mega-unlucky? And can the average tattoo artist spell “triskaidekaphobia?”
Friday, June 13, 2008
Bullet Brain is back!
Bullet Brain is pushing his luck.
BB, legally known as Joshua Bush, continues to function as a chunk of gravel in the gears of justice.
First he agreed to surgery to remove the slug in his skull, and then he took it back.
Next he accepted a plea bargain for the laundry list of charges facing him, and then he took it back.
So now he’s apparently going to go to trial on the six felonies. Unless he changes his mind again, of course.
Sigh. We shall see how the system shakes this out.
I think he needs to hope he has an awfully good lawyer. Or draws an awfully sympathetic jury. Or both.
Then again, if Lead Head gets convicted, he can ask for an early release … because he has a bullet by his brain!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Gassed out
You know the energy crisis is bad when … ExxonMobil is selling off its neighborhood gas stations!
That’s right, fellow gas addicts. The most profitable corporation in the world ($40 billion last year) is unloading its 2,200 retail outlets.
“We are in a very, very challenging market. Margins are reduced,” a spokesman said. “We feel the best way for us to grow and compete is through our distributor network.”
In plain English -- a language rarely spoken by corporate spokesmen -- that means ExxonMobil’s service stations have not been able to pass along higher costs to customers. So over the side they go.
Yikes! What’s next, the chairman of ExxonMobil riding a bicycle to work because he can’t afford to fill his tank?
... Does anyone know a nice Amish couple who could sell me a horse and buggy?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Get a life
Talk about suffering for your art.
Mexican artist Filemon Trevino went through a lot to produce the world’s longest drawing. (A quarter-mile, it is!)
He neglected food, sleep and water over the 6,000 hours it took him to finish it. He grew a beard, and lost 35 pounds. He was even hospitalized seven times for dehydration, heart and kidney problems, all from hours and hours of scribbling in a stuffy room.
Went through 800 pencils, too. (Hope he was buying them in bulk.)
The drawing, by the way, is “a representation of the heart and circulatory system, with symbols including doves, geometric shapes and hundreds of yards of intertwined tubes.”
Gee, I can’t wait to see it.
But there’s drama in this drawing.
The artwork, which consumed his life for over a year, could not compete for a world record. First, someone had to display it and pay the $600 fee for the Guinness Book of World Records.
Luckily for Filemon, his masterpiece was displayed at Regiomontana University. Later, the Guinness guys declared it to be a world record.
Filemon must be relieved.
Otherwise, he might suspect that THE WHOLE THING WAS A GIGANTIC WASTE OF TIME.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Benson busted
Cedric the Entertainer is a funny, talented guy.
He is not to be confused with Cedric the Football Player. He is an idiot, or at least he is acting like one lately.
Benson managed to get arrested twice in a month for being drunk in the wrong place. The first time was on a boat. The second time was in a car.
At that rate, the third time will apparently be on a horse or bicycle. Please make your predictions now.
The second time was once too often for the Chicago Bears, his former employer. Their GM said he had “displayed a pattern of behavior we will not tolerate. … Everyone in this organization is held accountable for their actions.”
So just like that, the former UT star and first-round draft pick is looking for a job.
Can you guess where he will end up?
Well, there are two teams in the NFL that love troublemakers and misfits. One is the Oakland Raiders. The other is in Dallas.
My guess is that another former disgraced Bear, Tank Johnson, is about to be reunited with his old teammate.
Monday, June 09, 2008
Big Brown's bust
The ghost of Affirmed can rest easier. It is still the last horse to win the Triple Crown, back in ’78.
Like a lot of people, I got caught up in Big Brown mania. In Friday’s blog, I even predicted that Brown would win by three lengths.
Well, at least he was at one end of the pack anyway.
Actually, I should have followed my first instincts. In last Monday’s blog, I wondered uneasily about the boasts made by Big Brown’s trainer, Rick Dutrow Jr.
He assured fans that Brown would take the Belmont easily. Even called in a “foregone conclusion.”
In retrospect, you feel suckered by the hype in these situations. There is no such thing as a sure bet, especially in something as chancy as sports. Just ask the Patriots about their “perfect season.”
Big Brown was awesome. But he wasn’t perfect. There is a difference.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Big Brown by ...
OK, by now you know more than you want to know about hoof cracks.
As in, “A quarter crack is a vertical crack in the hoof wall between the toe and heel, usually extending into the coronary band, where the hoof meets the skin of the leg.”
Too much information. What you really want to know is, will Big Brown bag the Belmont too?
The answer is yes, by three lengths. Remember, you read it here first.
If you cash in on my prediction, I expect a share of the winnings.
If Brown bombs, well, you shouldn’t be gambling anyway.
Take up something safer, like knitting.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Hey, whatever happened to ...
We all misplace little things from time to time — keys, eyeglasses, etc. That’s OK.
Losing track of big things is a different matter.
Or so you would think.
Folks in La Crosse, Wis., noticed out that something was missing from the front of the Naval Reservist Station. A six-foot-tall anchor weighing as much as a ton.
The anchor had been in front of the station since 1949 and apparently was stolen months ago. Nobody knows when or how. All they have figured out — belatedly — is that it is now gone.
Pretty embarrassing, eh? What could be worse?
How about losing a lighthouse.
Historians in Wellfleet, Mass. thought the 30-foot lighthouse that once overlooked the harbor was taken down in 1925.
Actually, the cast-iron beacon is Point Montara, Calif., and apparently has been there for a long time. Like since 1925, the year it stopped being in Wellfleet, Mass.
No one knows how it got from the Atlantic Coast to the Pacific.
I think we’ve all learned a lesson here. If you’re going to steal something, do it in La Crosse, Wis., or Wellfleet, Mass.
Your chances of getting caught are not big. Even if the thing you take is.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Take me out to the ball game
Minor league baseball is known for wacky fan-promotion gimmicks.
Like Free Vasectomy night. (You didn’t get it done there. You got a coupon. And I guess you had to be a guy.)
And now Free Funeral night. (As with the vasectomy promotion, this is one you cash in later.)
That’s what Elaine Fulps won at a recent game with the Grand Prairie AirHogs.
Grand Prairie, I know, is near Dallas. I don’t know what an AirHog is.
The promotion succeeded, as most of these wacky ones do. Elaine has a free funeral waiting for her when she checks out. More people know about the AirHogs, although most of them still don’t know what that critter is.
If other minor league teams want to keep pace, they’ll come up with some zany promotions too. I hereby suggest:
1) Free Foreclosed Home Night. Win the front-door keys to a home that some moron financed with a subprime loan. The only downside is you have to throw the family living in it out on the curb.
2) Free SUV Night. Since gasoline got more expensive than milk, all kinds of big ol’ SUVs are suddenly available for next to nothing — and in this case, literally nothing. There is a big disclaimer, however: The gas tank is empty on this behemoth. Bring lots of credit cards for the drive home.
3) Free Cross-Country Airplane Ticket Night. Win this baby and you can take the trip you’ve always dreamed of. By the way, it is coach class, which means you are scrinched on a seat 18 inches wide next to the lavatory. And the inflight movie is "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story."
4) Free tickets to the 10 town hall meetings proposed by John McCain for him and Barack Obama. … OK, maybe this one wouldn’t turn them out in droves.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Posh prison
If this was prison, lock me up.
Brazilian drug trafficker Genilson Lins da Silva had it pretty good in the Sao Paulo slammer.
How good? Very good.
We’re talking a prison cell equipped with a plasma TV set, refrigerator and gym equipment. Oh, and did I mention the $170,000 and two pistols he also had stashed away?
The good times ended Monday when da Silva’s suite, I mean cell, was raided. Wonder how long it took prison officials to notice that their prize inmate was enjoying a little more than “three hots and a cot.”
And here comes the funny part. According to the Associated Press, “authorities have ordered an investigation to find out how Silva got the money and guns into his cell.”
Gee, whiz. I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and suggest …
BIG-TIME BRIBERY AND CORRUPTION?
Just a thought.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Big Brown boasting
The colt named Big Brown has brought more interest to horse racing than the sport has seen in years. Probably not since Secretariat, and that’s going back a ways.
The reason is simple. Big Brown has won the first two legs of the Triple Crown. If he wins again in the Belmont Stakes, he would be the first horse in more than three decades to pull off the big hat trick.
We’ll see on Saturday. But Big Brown’s trainer Rick Dutrow Jr. had better really hope his horse doesn't cross the finish line looking at the hind end of some other critter(s).
Dutrow has already said Big Brown’s third win is a “foregone conclusion.”
And, “If he ever gets in the lead in the Belmont, the race is going to be over. I can’t see any horse coming up and catching him.”
And then, “Forget about it. There’s no way in the world there’s any other horse that’s doing any better than Big Brown. It’s impossible.”
Whooee! That’s a lot of braggin’, Rick. You seem to be forgetting an old adage:
“Choose your words carefully. You may have to eat them.”
Friday, May 30, 2008
Foulk's fate
OK, I’ll take the bait.
Local gadfly Phil Klein challenged me and other media folks to speak out on the sentence proposed for Kerry Foulk.
I don’t know what else The Enterprise will be doing with this case, which is still ongoing. But this is my blog, so here goes.
Foulk is the former substitute teacher in Nederland who pleaded guilty to molesting a 14-year-old girl in 2006.
Phil is outraged because he thinks she’s getting a slap on the wrist. He’s basically right.
It’s not the lightest sentence ever handed down to a sex offender, but she clearly isn’t getting the book thrown at her.
The main problem — so far, at least — is no time behind bars. She’s getting 10 years of probation instead.
That’s not good. What’s even worse is that this is deferred adjudication probation. That means the record of this crime could be sealed if Foulk stays clean.
That kind of break should be limited to cases like a first-offender teen who gets caught shoplifting. If you read the crime stories in our paper, you will see it doled out to all kinds of people who don’t deserve it — like Foulk.
On the plus side, Foulk will have to register as a sex offender. That’s something that fellow perv Jeffrey Klem is trying to avoid. His case is even worse as it involves guilty pleas regarding three little girls.
Foulk also will have to pay for counseling for the victim and her parent. That won’t be cheap. She also will be barred from teaching in public schools.
The plea agreement must still be OK by Judge Layne Walker. I don’t think he’s been soft on crime. In fact, he was hard as nails with Millet Harrison, going to great lengths to keep him in Rusk for disemboweling his mother in 1994.
Foulk doesn't deserve any mercy. Investigators say she tried to get several other kids drunk and molest them too. Yet they also say those cases don’t rise to criminal levels.
You have to remember that the only thing that matters in court is what can be proved with witnesses, testimony, evidence, etc. Prosecutors have a solid case with the 14-year-old girl and a guilty plea. Maybe this is the best deal they could get for someone with no other offenses.
Look at what happened with the creepy polygamist cult in West Texas. The Texas Supreme Court, wall-to-wall with conservative Republicans, said the state didn’t have enough reason to take the kids from that hell-hole.
So there it is. Foulk’s sentence is tougher than some others, but it still feels light.
If Judge Walker could stick her in the can for at least a little while, a lot of people would feel better about this case. I’d be one of them.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
A Stone's throw
So who’s dumber, bubble-headed actress Sharon Stone or the thugs who write propaganda for the Chinese communist government?
I blog, you decide.
Stone kicked off the contest when she tried to think Deep Thoughts about Tibet.
“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else,” she said. “And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”
Wow. Apparently, the star who peaked in “Basic Instinct” doesn’t know that Chinese communists have been trashing human rights since the day they took power.
If the Chinese Politburo was smart, which it is not, it would have ignored Sharon’s ramblings. Or released a list of her terrible movies, which is most of ’em.
Instead, the official Xinhua News Agency said she was the “public enemy of all mankind.”
Uh, gee, comrade, isn’t that a bit strong? Like a million times too strong?
Especially since Stone said she was “deeply sorry” for her remarks — even though that could imply that Tibetans were not oppressed, which indeed they are.
Yikes. The U.N. should broker a treaty here:
Communist party bosses agree to ease off in Tibet, and Stone swears never to participate in a “Basic Instinct III.”
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
L-ia
It was an innocent mistake. In fact, it happens all the time in geography class.
A Czech soccer official mixed up Latvia and Lithuania.
A Czech team was playing a Lithuanian team, but some Czech guy put the Latvian flag in the game program along with a photo of the Latvian team. Then they played the Latvian national anthem before the game.
(I believe the song is entitled, “Latvia, what a really nice country, and by the way, it is not Lithuania.”)
If you’re Latvian or Lithuanian, you are undoubtedly cheesed off at this slight. For the umpteenth time, your two countries have been confused. You’re probably wondering, “Give us a break! Does anyone ever mix up Spain and Portugal?” (Actually, sometimes I do that.)
But really, can anyone who isn’t from Latvia or Lithuania tell these two countries apart?
Both are small, obscure European nations that begin with the letter L.
Nobody famous has come from either one.
Their top three sports are soccer, soccer and soccer.
Their top three national foods are sausage, boiled cabbage and some unidentified soup.
… Both should stop griping and be thankful they aren’t Transylvania.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
And now for something completely different
Two California men recently set a new world record for hand-shaking.
Kevin Whittaker and Cory Jens locked paws for 9½ hours. That beat the previous record, held by a couple of Germans, by a half-hour.
In Germany, they’re probably thinking, “Great! First we lost World War II. And now this! Ach der lieber!”
In the states, most people are thinking two other things:
1) Gee, that’s wonderful.
2) Why?
Friday, May 23, 2008
In memoriam
This Memorial Day, and every day, remember them:
World War II 1941–1945 -- 291,557 killed in action.
American Civil War 1861–1865 -- 212,938 killed in action.
World War I 1917–1918 -- 53,402 killed in action.
Vietnam War 1964–1973 -- 47,355 killed in action.
Korean War 1950–1953 -- 33,746 killed in action.
American Revolutionary War 1775–1783 -- ~8,000 killed in action.
Iraq War 2003–present -- 3,341 killed in action (as of May 19).
War of 1812 1812–1815 -- 2,260 killed in action.
Mexican-American War 1846–1848 -- 1,733 killed in action.
Philippine War 1898–1902 -- 1,020 killed in action.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Mules/fuels
So it’s come to this.
The skyrocketing prices of gas and diesel are forcing some farmers to park their tractors.
Instead of gas-n-go, they are doing what their grandpas did. They are hitching up a team of mules and working their fields the old-fashioned way.
One farmer who has made the switch is T.R. Raymond of McMinnville, Tenn.
"This fuel’s so high, you can’t afford it," he said. "We can feed these mules cheaper than we can buy fuel. That’s the truth."
I feel for you, T.R. Farming is hard enough. Now you have to dodge fresh manure piles while working the south 40.
T.R.’s brother Raymond even said of the mules, "It’s the way of the future."
Uh, actually, Raymond, isn’t that the way of the past?
Whatever. Didn’t someone once say, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Fear of flying
I have seen the future, and it’s expensive.
Travelers are still reeling over this week’s bombshell from American Airlines.
From now, if you want to check a piece of luggage … it’ll cost you $15.
That’s right, road warriors. If you ain’t carryin’ it onboard, you’re payin’ for the privilege of stashing it in cargo.
No word yet as to how the other airlines will react, but I predict they will eagerly jump on the "no free lunch" bandwagon.
In fact, here are some other new airline fees that are being kicked around in corporate boardrooms as you read this:
-- Not having to watch in-flight movies starring Rob Schneider, $5.
-- Using the grope-free line for the pre-boarding security check, $10.
-- Being told what city you’re being diverted to if the plane has to land suddenly due to mechanical problems, $15.
-- Not having to sit between a fat man and a lady with a crying baby, $25.
-- 10 minutes of oxygen if the cabin is depressurized, $50. (That one’s not too bad, considering the alternative.)
-- Getting a pilot who didn’t get his license from a correspondence course, $75.
-- A promise that the flight attendant won’t use you as a human shield in the event of hijacking, $100.
Pretty grim, huh?
At least it won’t come to pay toilets onboard. Federal laws prevent that.
On the other hand, the FAA never said they couldn’t charge for toilet paper. By the sheet.
Happy flying.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Endings
Sometimes, it’s hard to know when to hang it up. Sometimes, the signals are loud and clear:
-----------------
U.S. Rep. Vito Fossella, the New York congressman who was recently revealed to be the father of a child from an extramarital affair, said he will not seek re-election this year.
For once, when a disgraced person says he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family, he means it.
The only question is which family.
------------------
Baseball catcher Mike Piazza says he is retiring because he felt “it is time to start a new chapter in my life.”
Good luck, Mike. But at the risk of crashing the retirement party, it should be pointed out that Piazza, well, hasn’t played since last year.
The game retired him then. Now he’s making it official.
-------------------
In New Bedford, Mass., Major Donald Lamar’s stint as a firearms safety instructor is over sooner than he expected.
You see, he was teaching a class on weapons safety when he shoved his Glock into its holster, and, well, it went off.
Luckily for Lamar, the bullet just tore through his pants, not the leg inside the pants.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Sorry doctors
A new movement in health care urges doctors to apologize for mistakes instead of the old “deny and defend” method.
The theory is that if doctors or hospitals offer sincere apologies and “fair compensation,” the aggrieved party might forget about that nasty lawsuit.
That’s a good idea.
In the newspaper business, we also try to admit mistakes forthrightly if we get a fact wrong (“George Washington was the third president of the United States”) or throw somebody’s newspaper in the only puddle in their driveway (hey, don’t laugh, that’s been known to happen).
In fact, my experience in this field has motivated me to throw out a few generic apologies that doctors could use in the future, free of charge:
1) "Pat, remember when I told you last month that you had a terminal illness and would be dead soon? I understand you quit your job and gave away all your money. Well, I took a second look at the lab results, and let’s just say you now have time for a second career!"
2) "The good news is that yesterday’s amputation of your leg went well. The bad news … is we hacked off the wrong one! Don’t worry, we’ll go back and get that other sucker. … Is my face red or what!"
3) "Chris, three weeks ago we notified your spouse that you had syphilis, probably from a sleazy affair. Good news! Tell your divorce attorney that we got you mixed up with someone who has the same last name! … What are the odds!"
Hey, I’m just trying to do my part to hold down health care costs.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Gassed out
Hey, we all agree that the price of gas is getting ridiculous. But a guy in Wisconsin is going too far.
Brian LaFave is refusing to buy gas for a month — maybe longer. This Cheesehead won’t even ride with friends if they have to go out of their way to pick him up.
“I just wanted to take a stand and say, ‘I’m not gonna pay this much money for gas,’ ” he said.
Suit yourself, Bri. You can walk or ride your bike as you have pledged, but it ain’t gonna help.
A month from now, when you want to gas up your pickup, you’ll probably be paying even more.
Three predictions:
1) We will look back on the current rate of $3.60 per gallon gas as “the good ol’ days.”
2) We will probably see $5 per gallon gas this year or next.
3) When that happens, we will all grumble and cuss like hell about it. But in the end … we will park alongside the pump every few days, pay up and drive off.
... On the bright side, pretty soon you'll be able to get a real nice deal on that Hummer you’ve been lusting after for a long time.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Big Brown bucks
It was inevitable. The horse that won the Kentucky Derby was named Big Brown — after UPS, the delivery service with big brown trucks.
So now UPS, capitalizing on the unexpected publicity, has made a sponsorship deal with Big Brown’s owner, Paul Pompa Jr.
According to the Associated Press:
“The marketing coup has already won big media exposure and brand recognition for the original Big Brown — a rare opportunity the company candidly concedes galloped straight into its lap.”
Big Brown’s jockey, Kent Desormeaux, even had a UPS logo on his pants during the Derby.
It is a feel-good story, especially since the No. 2 finisher in the Derby, Eight Belles, had to be put down after breaking both front legs.
In fact, it made me so happy that I’ve come up with a few slogans for the new partnership:
1) "Our trucks don’t move as fast as Big Brown the horse, but they get there eventually!"
2) "What can Brown do for you? Anything but lower your shipping bills."
3) "If it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, don’t send it by horseback!"
4) "What’s big and brown and read all over? A shipping bill from UPS."
5) "Big Brown — it’s more than just that smelly pile on the stable floor!"
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Crazy ants!
Let’s see if I have this right:
Gas, food and inflation are in a friendly competition to see which one get soar higher.
Iran is about to get nuclear bombs. “Speed Racer” is at the movies.
Could life possibly get worse?
Well, if you live near Houston, like we do … yes it can!
You see, a new foreign species of pest is about to overrun us. I am talking about “crazy rasberry ants.”
These little darlings wander around crazily — hence the nickname — instead of marching in orderly lines like other ants.
They like to bite people — naturally! And they like to gnaw on electrical equipment too! Great! And they are resistant to commercial ant-killers! Double-great!
Their colonies have multiple queens, so you can’t just kill one of ’em and get the rest. And if you do manage to kill a few, the Associated Press says, “They pile up the dead, sometimes using them as a bridge to cross safely over surfaces treated with pesticide.” Aaaggghhh!
“(They are) like lava flowing and filling an entire area, getting bigger and bigger,” said Ron Harrison of Orkin. Whoopee!
There is one tiny ray of hope in this doomsday scenario: They like to eat fire ants.
If we can figure out a way to pit them against each other, we might have a chance.
If not, well, your last moments will probably be a futile struggle against thousands of them as they drag you down to their subterranean lair while you scream and thrash helplessly, begging for mercy that will not come.
Sweet dreams.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Godspeed, Kevin
I have never been so happy to hear that a pro athlete has been released. Well, not since the Giants cut loose Barry “Balco” Bonds last year.
The Buffalo Bills have told Kevin Everett that he will no longer be a member of their team. This, of course, is not a reason for anyone to be sad.
The Bills cut Kevin so he will be eligible to receive full disability benefits for the spinal cord injury that ended his career.
Kevin knew months ago that he would never again play the game he loved — at any level, much less the elite ranks of the NFL.
Normally, that’s a heartbreaker for a young athlete. For Kevin, knowing that he would not be lying down the rest of his life, it was OK.
Kevin’s story was a real miracle. He still might have been paralyzed if a gutsy and innovative doctor hadn’t ordered the injection of a cold saline solution to cool down his body and prevent swelling.
All things considered, he came out OK. May he enjoy a long — and vertical — life.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Bullet Brain's bargain
“Bullet Brain” must be smarter than he looks. Or awfully lucky.
How else do you explain the deal he finagled on Monday?
Joshua “Bullet Brain” Bush was facing trial for six felonies. He pleaded guilty to two of ’em (surprise!) and got the other four dismissed. And his time behind bars has been capped at 10 years.
Maybe something like 10 years is what he would have ended up with anyway. If so, I guess his plea deal saved taxpayers some money.
We’ll know on June 13. That’s when he’s sentenced.
Still unresolved is the status of the slug in his skull.
“Bullet Brain,” of course, insists that it did not come from the attempted robbery of a car lot in Port Arthur.
I doubt it, but that may be irrelevant.
Assuming the slug is made of lead, and knowing that lead is a poisonous substance, it doesn’t seem that “Bullet Brain” has many options.
He can leave the round in his crown, and risk lead poisoning.
Or he can let prison docs yank it out. Then ballistics tests might prove what police said about it all along.
Whatever. I think this is one of those problems that will take care of itself.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Ju$tice
— F. Scott Fitzgerald
Scottie, you said a mouthful there.
Rich people don’t operate like jes’ plain folks. That’s even true when it comes to the law, where everybody is supposed to be equal under the eyes of.
You remember what happened to Robert Blake and Phil Spector, don’t you?
Now you can add wealthy R&B singer R. Kelly to the list.
He’s been charged with an icky crime — having sex with a 13-year-old girl.
In fact, the dumb ass videotaped the encounter, and police got hold of the evidence.
I’m no F. Lee Bailey, but I’m thinking an orange jumpsuit is in R. Kelly’s future.
So far, however, his money has allowed him to purchase the services of some skillful lawyers, who have allowed him to dodge that unpleasant possibility.
His case did finally come to trial this week — six incredibly long years later.
That’s right, folks. When he was indicted back on June 5, 2002, Saddam Hussein was still in power. Barack Obama was an obscure Illinois state senator.
How long do you think you could delay your trial if you were charged with a crime like that? I’m guessing six days at most.
Yes, a lot of water has gone under the bridge in the last half-decade-plus-a-year. All the time, R. Kelly has been living the high life instead of eating cold baloney sandwiches and talking to visitors on a telephone through a thick plate of glass.
I hope that justice delayed here is not justice denied.
If the jury foreman does deliver the magic words — “Your honor, we find the defendant guilty on all counts” — I hope R. Kelly spends at least the next six years eating cold baloney sandwiches and talking to visitors on a telephone through a thick plate of glass.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Flight plan
Let’s pretend you are a member of a highly trained flight crew on a 767.
Like the crew handling an Americans Airline flight on April 20 from Dallas to Paris.
Shortly after take-off, a problem occurs. A BIG problem:
According to a flight attendant’s e-mail, “There was a loud shaking noise from the belly of the plane ... sounded like an explosion, or very large landing gear being ripped.”
According to the Associated Press, a spokesman for the airline confirmed that although “the crew was aware something had occurred, they were not sure what happened.”
If you were a member of this highly trained flight crew, in view of these ominous developments, would you:
A) Turn the plane around immediately and head for the nearest runway? or
B) Head out across the Atlantic Ocean on a nine-hour flight?
Now, I’m not a member of a highly trained flight crew, but if I’m on a plane that has just been shaken by a mysterious explosion … I WANNA BE ON THE GROUND A.S.A.P.
I do not want to soar out over an ocean WHERE THERE ARE NO RUNWAYS.
As you have guessed by now, the flight crew chose B) and headed for Gay Paree. They had a schedule to keep, after all.
Thank God they got there in one piece. The mini-explosion turned out to be from a panel covering an air conditioner that blew off.
That's nice, but they are lucky. This is no way to run a railroad, or an airline.
When a pilot hears and feels “a loud shaking noise from the belly of the plane,” that's a signal to get on the intercom and say, “Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to announce that we will be returning to Dallas for, uh, some unscheduled maintenance.”
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Down but not out
The head lawyer with the Major League Baseball players union “has expressed concern” to the commissioner over the puzzling refusal of any team to sign Barry Bonds.
He wonders if the owners are engaging in collusion. That’s when the owners secretly agree not to sign someone. And of course that’s illegal under the contract between players and owners.
Maybe the union feels like it has to go through the motions here on behalf of Barry. But this is not a mystery.
BALCO Barry was cut loose by the Giants at the end of last season. He became, sort of, the biggest free agent on the market, and I'm not just talking head size.
Yet no team called over the off-season. Since the season has begun, no team has called either.
The reason is not collusion. It’s because BARRY BONDS IS AN OBNOXIOUS JERK!
Despite his ability to hit lots of home runs, he is a selfish, crude, arrogant clubhouse cancer. When you Google “more trouble than he is worth,” you get a jillion hits for “Barry Bonds.”
This is why no team has signed him. And I admit to cackling with glee over the thought of him moping around his mansion, spewing curses, breaking things and waiting vainly for the phone to ring.
But my glee is tempered. I know it won’t last.
About mid-season or so, some team will get desperate. Or maybe a slugger will go down with an injury.
And the manager will say, “Jeez, let’s go ahead and sign Barry. Maybe it will work out. … It’s just for a half-year!”
It’s going to happen, so brace yourselves. All we can hope is that Barry’s new team doesn’t win the World Series.
That would be too, too much to bear.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Wine woes
“It has an intriguing bouquet with a playful, flirty appeal that casually invites you to … AAAAGGGH, ACTUALY IT TASTES LIKE CRAP!”
A restaurant in New Zealand accidentally served dishwashing liquid as mulled wine. Two customers were hospitalized.
One of the women says she suffered burns and possible scaring of her throat and esophagus from the chemical mix.
I guess this is one of those blunders where the restaurant manager can’t just say, “Hey, sorry about that. My bad!”
Monday, May 05, 2008
Shoveling manure
Further proof that we live in an age when accidents can’t just be accidents:
The animal-rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has called for the jockey riding Eight Belles in the Kentucky Derby to be suspended.
Why? Well, the filly broke two ankles and had to be euthanized. And PETA is looking for someone to blame.
PETA says jockey Gabriel Saez should have sensed the filly was in trouble or that the accident was about to happen and pulled up instead of applying the whip.
PETA is, of course, full of horse crap on this.
Saez didn’t pull up the horse because he’s a jockey, not a futurist. He didn’t know the horse was about to have a tragic injury.
And — this is the key point, for anyone who cares about facts — Eight Belles was not acting unusual. She was behaving like a thoroughbred that likes to run.
And — this is the second key point — the accident didn’t occur during the race. The horse was galloping out a full quarter-mile past the finish line.
In other words, it was an unforeseen event commonly referred to as an accident.
I know that with humans, usually an accident can’t just be an accident. Someone has to be blamed or sued, or both.
At least we ought to agree that when an animal has an accident, we’ll call it an accident, and we won’t blame or sue anyone.
There’s enough real animal cruelty in this world. PETA ought to fight that.
Racehorses that run in the Derby are extremely valuable and pampered accordingly.
Sometimes they break a leg and have to be put down.
It’s sad. It’s also called “an accident.”
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